Pride Slides In

A few days ago, I was worshipping in the shower. My prayer and praise closed is efficient, I get "washed clean anew" both spiritually and physically all at once. As I was singing to the Lord, the sound of my voice reverberated off of the tile walls, and I heard myself. I have a pretty decent singing voice, and I liked the way I sounded.

I kept singing, I even belted out a few big notes. I really started to listen to how I sounded, and tried to put on a good show for the loofah and the body wash. And then it was as though the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder. "Remember me?" He seemed to be saying. And I stopped and I realized how quickly, effortlessly really, I transitioned to worshipping God, to being completely me-centered. Pride slid right in.

It was actually a profound moment for me. It was a huge "a-ha moment" broken down into the simplest of examples. I apologized to the Lord and asked Him to help me always see that prideful slide in my life as clearly as I did, quite literally, naked before Him.

I'm on a Facebook fast for Lent. Yesterday was the first day, and truth be told, I didn't miss it much at all. For me that ease was confirmation that the Lord has called me to this break. The only time I have ever effectively fasted (food, media, whatever) it has always been when the fast as God's idea more than mine, and it's never with an ulterior motive (like, "I'll fast sugar... and maybe I'll lose some weight.")

The first thing I noticed being off of Facebook was how I felt less pressed, less hurried. I didn't realize how strong my compulsion was to be "out there." I know I like to communicate, but I didn't realize how much I felt the need to. And with Facebook as a non-option, I just simply felt less pressed.

Until today.

Today I got a very exciting package in the mail. I have self-published my first (completed) novel, and when the books came, I was giddy beyond distraction. I had all sorts of intentions to accomplish certain things at work today and instead all I could do was think about the books I was holding in my hand. I left to go pick up lunch for Neal and I and my mind was flying. And I desperately wanted to shout from the rooftops about my accomplishment. I wanted to be on Facebook.

As I was driving back from Chik-Fil-A, I "felt" the Holy Spirit quicken my spirit again. It was like I was singing in the shower all over again.

You see, I've written this book, and it's good. That's not my opinion, that's the opinion of others. I wrote the story because I felt it was important to tell. There is a valuable message to be told. And even as I was writing it, I felt God's hand in it. The book has a purpose. And here I am at risk of getting in the way of it, because if I lose focus of that, I might just let pride slide in, and the book won't be about glorifying God, or ministering to others, but it will be about me. God forbid.

Promoting the book is going to be a careful walk, because promoting me is sometimes a part of it. But there has to be a way to do that, and not let the pride slide happen. It's not going to be easy.

And in as humble a manner as I can muster, let me tell you, for more information about buying my book, you can go to www.dianadepriest.com
(And contrary to alleged rumors, I did not go on Facebook at all today, in any way, shape or form. This fast is very serious to me, and obedience isn't optional.)

100 Verse Challenge - Week 23

We're back! Time to resume the 100 Verse Challenge! Is anyone here? Anyone? Anyone? Just kidding! I am pretty sure there are a few of you still here, and the truth is, if it's just me and you, God says "where two or three are gathered in His name," He's in the midst of us. And I don't think that truth is deterred by the fact we're together through the internet.

As always, God's timing is interesting to me. I love His efficiency. I had intended to do some catch up on the verses that I was not religious about memorizing over the previous few weeks in the Challenge, but I wasn't. So I am going to have to take up the grace I offered to all of you when we started this thing. Just keep going! So I am ready this week to just keep going!

On Valentine's Day, I shared a blog about the impression I felt God was laying on my heart as we are moving toward the season before Easter. I felt strongly that He was observing me to explore new ground by observing Lent. As I prayed I felt more and more certain that He was asking me to give up Facebook for that season. I'm going to be honest, it will be a HUGE challenge for me. But I know it is what God is asking of me. I need a personal revival, to get connected with the Lord, and get my focus righted. It's not that I am in sin or have wandered from the Lord, but there is an impression about going deeper, growing. Like in labor, it feels like it's time to push. And removing Facebook is going to help me push.

This morning the Lord gave me confirmation to exchange Facebook for what my pastor called "Face time," time seeking the Face of God. I am excited and hopeful about what might lie ahead.

Then today I opened 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart by Robert J. Morgan, and interestingly enough, even our scripture fr this week feels like another confirmation, because it is in essence, a scripture about revival.

Typically the verse is referenced to be talking about "national revival," but I believe the promise could be held to on a personal level as well, and as I am meditating on the verse this week and memorizing it as Lent begins this Wednesday, I am even more excited about what God may do since I am confident this fast is one He has called me to.

So here is our verse this week:

(If) My people who are called by My name humble themselves, pray and seek My face, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14

Morgan points out in his book that there are 4 requirements of revival, and three promises to it in this passage.

Four Requirements:1. Humble yourselves. Pride (me-centered-ness) has got to go.
2. Pray.
3. Seek His face. (Face-time)
4. Turn from your wicked ways. Sometimes we get blinded to our own sin (remember, sin is just missing the mark) and we need to remove the distractions around us to really hear what the Lord is speaking.

Three Promises:
1. I (God) will hear from heaven. It's nice to know that Face-time is something God will show up for.
2. I (God) will forgive their sin.
3. I (God) will heal their land. I know this is a promise for a nation, but I am believing God will do healing in me and in my life as well. But even if that's not what this upcoming season is about, I know God has some good purpose in it. He is faithful!

So I am glad we are back, and I pray that meditating and memorizing God's Word together is a blessing and an encouragement to you as well!

Blessings!

Sovereign

In my mind, each individuals own Walk of Faith hinges on the issue of God's sovereignty.

This attribute of God can be both the greatest bone of contention or the strongest source of security.

God being sovereign is often the point of attack for unbelief. It's where His character is maligned by those who either refuse to believe in his existence, or those who choose to believe He is unworthy of their love.

You have surely heard, or even asked, the questions for yourself. If God is (sovereign) then why... is there pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...? The list is longer, but these are a few of the favorites.

On another hand, when someone "of faith" finds themselves facing pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... many find comfort in God's sovereignty. I believe this is because then they can hope or even believe there is purpose in their suffering.

I don't think anyone (particularly anyone "of faith") questions God's sovereignty in the good times, though those who choose not to believe will intentionally deny any credit of the "good thing" (blessing) to something such as the hand of God.

It's hard sometimes in the hurt, in the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... to focus on God's sovereignty, it is sometimes best seen in hindsight, and sometimes it's not. Sometimes even when it cannot be seen, it has to be claimed. Otherwise, how do we live with the circumstance?

I've been reading lately about seeking God. One of the books I am reading has made reference to two different ways to seek God. Some seek His hand. When we seek His hand, His sovereignty is far more likely to come of issue. Because if the hand is not holding what we would hope for, or worse, if our circumstance somehow seems to indicate His hand might even be against us, then thought of His sovereignty is far more likely to breed discouragement, or worse- despair.

The better way is therefore, not to seek His hand, but rather, to seek His face. For when we seek His face, what His hand may hold is far less relevant. When we seek His face, what God does or does not do pales in comparison to who He is. And the false accusation against us, or the sickness we are facing, or the death of our loved one is no longer about us. Instead is just part of what is.

I think of the story in the New Testament when word was sent to Jesus that Lazarus was sick. He waited two days. Jesus waited. He tarried. And by the time He arrived Lazarus had died. I can imagine how Mary and Martha must have felt. Disappointed? Abandoned? Betrayed? Unloved? When they sent for Jesus, they had confidence that He could come, and by His hand have made Lazarus well. But He did not come.

Others have felt these same feelings. When John the Baptist awaited his beheading in prison, surely these were emotions he battled with.

Joseph, surely he felt these things as well... in the pit... in prison...

When Sarah was childless and ridiculed by Hagar, were these her feelings?

They had sought the hand of God, but His hand was empty. Perhaps His hand was even against them.

When Jesus finally arrived to Lazarus' tomb. Martha ran to Him, "“Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." Mary also said the same thing to Him, in essence, "Your hand was empty, Lord."

If you read the story (John 11) you know that Jesus called Lazarus forth from the grave. Mary and Martha sought their brother's healing from Jesus' hand, but when they looked into His face they discovered not the power of healing, but the Healer Himself.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.
He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.
And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.
John 11:25-26a

I want to seek God's face, not His hand. I want the confidence not in what He does, or does not, do, but in WHO He is. He is Sovereign.

It brings me comfort, and it brings me angst.

In His silence, He is sovereign.

Though He tarries, He is sovereign.

When I hurt, He is sovereign.

In the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...

He is Sovereign.

And I will see this, if I look into His face.

Do you believe this?”
John 11:26b

I believe.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:7-10

Why Lent? Because something's gotta give.

I have been a follower of Christ for nearly 20 years, and never have I ever even really considered observing Lent, the forty day period that leads up to Easter Sunday. I've always considered it more of a "Catholic tradition," and it's never drawn more than a passing consideration from me. Honestly I didn't "get it," and the whole idea of the debauchery and craziness of "Fat Tuesday" (aka Mardi Gras) always put me off so much I just dismissed it.

This year, however, I am not only not dismissing it, but I am strongly considering deciding to participate. If you follow this blog at all, you are probably aware that this has been a difficult season for me, one of both transition and struggle, and I've been suffering a bit of what you could probably label a sort of identity crisis.

I have to be careful with that term though. Let me be clear, I know exactly who I am in Christ. I understand who God says I am, what He's done for me, and I have no doubt that that is the reality of who I am defined as as a person.... HOWEVER, there is a disconnect between my confident scriptural awareness and the struggle of sensing it as I walk out my Walk of Faith. There is a glitch there, and I need something, somehow, to work it out.

So what exactly is Lent? I've been searching and researching, and I found a website that I think defines best why I feel the need to participate this year. It says: "Today, Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent. The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead him to abandon his mission and calling. Christians today use this period of time for introspection, self examination, and repentance." (emphasis mine)

Something's gotta give in my life right now, and I honestly don't know what it is. I've been examining and evaluating and probably over thinking myself into spiritual and emotional exhaustion, and I feel so worn out. I do not see rebellious sin in my life, if anything I am trying with all I am to draw close and seek the Lord. Whether I am in a desert or a season of stretching or sifting, I do not know. I have been through all of these things before in my 20 years following Jesus, but the thing about them, is you often don't know for sure if that's where you were until you come out and look back on it from the other side. All of those seasons are a bit disorienting, and I feel disoriented.

The fasting in Lent is meant to be sacrificial. You give something up of value to you, as an offering. I am also looking to let go of something that is contributing to my disorientation. I don't drink, or smoke, and giving up chocolate doesn't feel like a solution to what draws me to seek God. I've been praying and I am pretty certain what God has called me to let go of for the 40 days while I seek Him, and it's really hitting me where I live. It's Facebook. I kept trying to make a "better offer," and even had some valid excuses why it wouldn't work, like the 100 Verse Challenge, but the deeper I look, the more certain I am.

The good news is that Sundays are apparently "festival days" during Lent, and you get to eat your chocolate or red meat or whatever you are fasting from, which means I could still check in on Facebook and keep the Challenge going as well as connect with my son's fundraising activities for his missions trip. Those were my only really good arguments about why I should not take a break from Facebook, and with this new information, it was assuaged. I can do both.

I'm not sharing this to be like "oh look at me, I'm fasting," because the fact is, I'm not impressed with myself at all, I am choosing to be obedient to what I believe God is whispering to my heart out of a desperation. The last thing I was certain the Lord was speaking to me was a simple instruction, "Listen to hear, before listening to speak." I think Facebook hinders me in that. Unlike my blog where I typically have to set aside time and contemplate before I post, on Facebook there is little filter, I am extremely communicative, and sometimes I only think to speak, or worse, don't think and speak, and listening, especially listening to the Lord gets lost by the wayside. So I really do feel like the Lord is asking this of me, and I really need to make the effort to walk it out. Because if I am right, and it is of Him, then there is excellent purpose in it.

Things that won't change, is my blogs will post to my page because they do it automatically, as well as do things I highlight from my reading on my Kindle, and anyone who wants to can reach me via email or by text if they want to. I won't be inaccessible, but I will be less distracted. I'll have to take Facebook off my phone and sign out on all the computers that automatically sign in, but it will be for good purpose, and in the process, hopefully there is a surrender that if this in fact a stretching season, I will be more malleable to the work of the Holy Spirit, or if a season of sifting, I will be strong enough to withstand the testing. And if a desert, perhaps I will be quiet enough to hear more clearly the direction God is calling me to, and my own complaints will be silenced if no one but God is listening.

That's my hope. So why Lent? Because something's gotta give, and it has to start with me giving more of myself to God. It starts a week from tomorrow, and my prayer is that by then I will have laid down all my angst and will be looking forward to the season leading up to the most precious of days, Easter Sunday when Jesus after dying for me, rose again so I could have victory in my life, and so I could know Him.

100 Verse Challenge - Executive Decision

It's been three weeks since I wrote the verses down in my notebook, and two since the last time I updated the board in our kitchen. These last couple weeks it's been Wednesday or Thursday before I even thought about going over the verses with my children, and because most of the verses in these past few weeks have been somewhat familiar to me, I have not put in much effort at all at memorizing or meditating.

When we started this Challenge back in September there were 217 of us. But when the New Year turned and I had to make a new "event" on Facebook, only 66 joined in- and some of them were new people, not returning participants. Truth be told, I have no idea how many of the 66 are legitimately participating in learning the verses. If I actually accounted for how many people I know are actively participating in the Challenge, I could count them on one hand, maybe two.

The fact is, I am struggling a lot lately, A. LOT. LATELY. And I'm getting a little tired of it, a little tired of myself. But the sense of ineffectiveness can be overwhelming. I'm reevaluating practically everything in my life. Reevaluating may not be the right word, surveying might be more accurate. This blog is included in that. I'm not going to stop writing it, the Lord told me to start it, so until He tells me to stop, I can't. I won't. But I am completely uncertain about what it has become and what people's response is to it. I think... fear... it has become like the sound of traffic, a better example, the "grown up voices" in Charlie Brown cartoons, and no one is even listening anymore. I need to evaluate that.

I am thinking about taking the blog off of my personal Facebook. If you've liked the My Walk of Faith page on Facebook, it won't affect you, but if you haven't, then you will no longer have to be inundated with my postings anymore. I'm hopng it will dull the "waah wah wah waah wah" I believe my voice has become. I guess that's my hope. If people want to be reading this blog, there are options, liking the Facebook page (link in the right column); subscribing by mail (top of the left side column) or becoming a follower through google reader (right column.)

I'm not quitting the Challenge. I think it has great value. And even though the posts are not getting a lot of response, I know the way true ministry works, and I know in God's eyes, if something impacts even one person, it matters to the Lord. So even if it is only five or so people who are actually tracking the Challenge verses, it's a worthy effort. So consider this week a week to catch up. I'm going to catch up in my little notebook and next week make a fresh start with my board in the kitchen. Whether it will mean we add a week to the Challenge or i we have a week or two with extra verses will remain to be seen, but I don't think anyone was dead set on the "end date" I have on my calendar that no one else ever sees.

So my "executive decision" for the Challenge is simply a pause, a week's break. If you are participating, and are up to date, enjoy the break, or pick out one of the earlier verses that particularly spoke to you and meditate on it. If you're behind you can work on catching up (like I plan to do) or you can enjoy the week off and make a fresh start again next week. Either way, the Challenge will continue on next week. I hope to see you here.

The Thing About Bitterness

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15