Now I look at this blank page before me and I think, "I'll never be able to recreate what was written. Why even bother?" It's a frustrating feeling, and more common than I care to confess. "Why did I bother? It didn't make a difference," is a far too common feeling for me.
I look back on a lot of lost relationships, ones I sincerely felt invested in, ones I tried to be purposeful in, intentional in. Relationships where I tried to encourage, inspire, love. Many relationships that felt like they carried a demise very similar to the end of the blog I wrote this morning. Things just suddenly seemed off, a little shaky, and then POOF, gone. The lack of resolution in those relationships bring a very similar response of frustration and discouragement. Not only does it carry this dark questioning cloud over my past, but it's had this negative impact on my present; and if I don't figure out how to overcome it, possibly my future as well.
Ugh! I am so frustrated about what felt like a purposeful blog. I am so frustrated about what felt like a purposeful life.
Friendships that didn't last, books that no one reads, blogs that just get lost out in cyberspace. I long for a sense of purpose!
I have to keep bringing myself back around to the sovereignty of God. He has purpose and intention in my life, even if I can't see it. And even in my hurt, discouragement and frustration He's made this promise to me, that even those things, and the seasons that create them, He will somehow work them together for my good, though He alone reserves the right to define exactly what that "good" is. And who am I to question it?
And truthfully, what do I have to complain about? So many people; God's people, suffer far more greatly, with much greater loss, discouragement and hurt. But God is sovereign.
I wrote about a week back about "Ishmael and El Roi," part of Hagar's story-- "God hears," and "the God who sees." I gained some respect for her as she was willing to be satisfied with that knowledge alone. She willingly obeyed the Lord in His command to "return and submit." Knowing God was watching over her, that was enough for her to obey. The blog I lost was the continuation of her story. But I guess it isn't going to get told from my perspective, at least not today.
I want to get to the place in my life, that whatever I face, that knowing God sees and that He hears is enough for me to walk in obedience to whatever He might call me to, even when it is hard or it hurts. I want to make myself more aware of that truth-- He sees. He hears.
He sees and hears my frustration and hurt when a labor of love just seems to disappear for not, whether it's a single page blog, or years of relationship.
There are so many emotions to overcome-- hurt, frustration, anger, bitterness, grief. Truthfully, I am tired of dealing with them, or not dealing with them. But it is good to be able to remind myself, God sees, and God hears-- and in His graciousness, He is less frustrated with the process than I am.
A lot of this "Walk of Faith" feels sort of blind to me. When I look at my life I don't know what I'm doing to make a difference-- even when I have had times and seasons that I thought I was doing things that mattered, I look back now and I am no longer quite so sure, I don't see any remaining evidence that speaks to that as being true. I'm not sure I'll ever no on this side or eternity whether or not anything I did in this life mattered or made a difference. All I can do is hope.
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
1 Corinthians 3:10-15
I know my foundation is solid, I have no idea what I've built upon it. Will it stand? Or will it burn? Only eternity will tell.