My health has been challenged, a problem progressing into treatment that brought out complications, then more treatment brought pain and then complications just seemed to escalate and I've dealt with a plethora of issues that have worn me down physically. Thankfully the first step back has done wonders for maintaining spiritual and mental strength and emotionally for the most part as well. (Translation: God is good.)
But when my daughter sang worship in her junior high youth group this past weekend I sent my husband to watch with a request to video tape because I just couldn't get there physically. Literally my pain and fatigue had me beat.
So it was actually days before I even came to myself and remembered to ask my hubby to let me see the video tape he'd made of her helping lead worship. She sang along with one of her leaders one of my favorite (currently especially) worship songs. I don't know if it's a Bethel song or a Jesus Culture song (I think they may be related, actually) but it's a powerful and beautiful song that ministers to my soul, and is particularly ministering in this current season.
You can listen to it and read the lyrics as it goes along here:
As I watched the video of my daughter I was, of course as any mom would be, very proud. But I could see her nerves, and maybe even a little disconnect from what she was actually doing. She was "leading worship" but whether or not she was TRULY worshiping I couldn't tell. To some degree, yes, but the fullness of it, I just didn't know.
My husband helps "lead worship" from behind his drums, and what I love about him is that he TRULY worships. Worship isn't easy for me, I am highly distractable, and so when I see the way my husband really enters in, that's powerful, especially when his hands and feet are doing a thousand different things. But for me, the most powerful worship is always when the ones who are leading are TRULY worshiping because that isn't always the case, especially I am sure when you're just learning HOW to lead. So I am not criticizing my daughter, just making an observation. She did beautifully.
So much so that as I headed to the shower after watching the videos the song really stuck with me. And as I was singing it in the shower, I really was able to enter in. That's just how I roll, in the middle of a congregation singing with me I fight to focus, get me alone and vulnerable before God in the shower, and there His presence is most powerful and evident to me.
As I sang the second verse, "I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves, when my heart becomes free and my shame is undone, Your presence, Lord," it was as though something pierced my heart. I could see the slow unbraiding of shame. That's what it looked like to me, I could compare it to the "grave clothes" of Lazarus.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:44
He was bound, and Jesus set him free. I had this profound a-ha moment of my own shame that Christ had freed me from. That's the way I came to Christ, full of shame, and that was the first thing He dealt with me. "Diana, come forth," if you will, and he took off the grave clothes of shame with the help of some of the women who followed Him.
Remembering is good. Because two decades and then some later it is easy to forget from whence I came. And suddenly I thought about my daughter again, singing that song. Of course it was hard for her to connect to the words. She's 12, and thankfully had a relatively peaceful and uneventful life, and I don't think any "shame" she's ever felt could even compare to the shame being sung about in this song.
Suddenly I had this moment, where I was glad that my young daughter had never experienced shame like that. I think of so many young people violated or broken living lives that no child ever should, as victims or by their own choices, it doesn't matter. It breaks my heart that they feel that shame. And so I had a grateful thought and I had the hope that my daughter might NEVER know that kind of shame. And of course I don't want her to ever experience any shame as the result of sinful choices - whether her own like me, or being victimized by someone else. But, I thought, I DO want her to know that Jesus. I want her to know the depth of His love, grace and redemption - somehow.
I've said many times I feel stuck between as a mom wanting my children to have that testimony of knowing and following Jesus faithfully from a young age. I want the goodness of that from them. But I am also grateful for the depth of knowledge I have of Who Christ is because He called me out of the grave.
I know He calls us all "out of darkness" and into His glorious light, but I am grateful that I know the pain of walking around in the darkness. I still don't want that for my children but I do pray God will reveal Himself to them in the same depth, somehow. Through His Holy Spirit of course.
I guess at the end of it, we must embrace the testimony God has given us. There are no comparisons, no one better way - it's just a matter of following Christ. Letting Him write the story of our lives that in the end is for our good and His glory. But I do hope that at some point, however God sees fit that all my children will be able to sing the words to songs like this and really GET IT. I am glad that as my daughter sings that song, she is making that invitation, even if she doesn't fully understand it yet. "Holy Spirit You are welcome here..." The goodness of God is overwhelming, I want my children to know that. In His presence is fullness of joy, I want people to know that.
I am so very thankful for my Savior and all that He has done and continues to do for me.
Holy Spirit You are welcome here,
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God is what our hearts long for,
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord.
