I see you.
I see you sitting in the pew while everyone's head is bowed. You hear the pastor talking about grace and forgiveness and as much as you want to believe, you know in your heart it isn't true. The sin you hide is one too great. "Surely," you think, "God wouldn't forgive it."
I see you as you swallow hard against the tears that are forming. You want what the preacher speaks about, but you know it's not for you. When the prayer is over and the lights are back up you raise your head and place the smile on your face that hides your shame.
I see you.
I see you at your girlfriend's baby shower. Surrounded by baby things. I know how hard it was for you to even come there. I see the ache in your heart that longs for things to be different. I see the regret that you carry like a cloak about you. You listen to conversations about breast feeding and baby names, you hear the excitement and anticipation in the room and your heart aches in the midst of it. "You ok?" someone asks and you smile. "Of course," you lie, and you mentally remember to better hide your heart in a happy room.
I see you.
I see you when you wake up from your nightmare in a cold sweat. The horrific sounds that played in your dream still echoing in your mind. Your husband rolls over and reaches out. "You ok?" he asks.
"Bad dream," you tell him. He bats his eyes at the darkness, "What about?" he asks with concern. "I can't even remember," you lie. "Just go back to sleep."
And I see you as you lie there, aching in the darkness, praying for the pain and sadness of regret to go away.
I see you when your friend comes to you. She's in a crisis and being pregnant just isn't timed right for her. I see your mind race as you try to decide how to counsel her. Your pain of your own past decision surrounds you, almost overwhelms you but maybe, just maybe, if you aren't the only one...
I see you.
I see you question and wonder why it wasn't as simple as everyone said it would be. I see you wonder if there's something wrong with you that it wasn't simple at all. The sense of violation, the pain of loss and regret, they were not supposed to be. And I see you as you try to work that all out in your mind- alone... because surely there is no one you can talk to, no one who can understand.
I see you.
I see you the day they lay your first born baby in your arms. I see the sense of you - you don't deserve this happiness that is trying to creep into your darkness. I see the fear that comes with the joy; "what will happen now?" you ask. And you worry-- everything in you worries because you don't deserve this baby. You don't deserve to be a mom.
But you have been a mom for quite a long time, but a mother with empty arms. And you're a mom who's not allowed to grieve the loss of your child because it came at your own hands. "It's not a baby" they told you, and yet, you are constantly aware that that little someone isn't here, and they ought to be. But there's no one you can even talk to about it. Your heart is full - but of ache and pain and regret.
And I see you.
Now I want you to look at me.
There is hope.
There is light and life and forgiveness.
There is freedom from shame.
I see you, but more importantly...
Jesus see you.
And it's not too big for Him.
He longs for you to know the limitless grace that covers all your sin.
Even the sin of abortion.
Come to Him.
He can heal the ache in your heart that you have come to believe will always be.
He came to make you whole...
...to restore your hope...
...to heal your heart.
The words you hear the pastor speak are truth, "God's grace is sufficient."
It will cover ALL your sins.
And you can be free...
No sin is too great...
for Jesus is greater.
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will He harbor His anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
If you suffer with post-abortion syndrome, there is help and hope.
Feel free to contact me or check out Healing Hearts Ministry.