Thursday, March 17, 2016

Totally Transparent (Because something should be thin)

Today I am feeling completely uncomfortable and bound as my "fat pants" are practically cutting off circulation (which would be outstanding if only fat would die and fall off, but alas, it doesn't work that way.)

I'm mad at myself - a year ago today I was about 30 lbs lighter and feeling great, but as is my idiotic pattern, I moved back on to the upswing of my weight roller coaster.  Since round and about my 40th birthday, I have been pretty much following the pattern -- loss, gain, loss, gain, loss (oh that that would be where it ends, but no.) Here I am, at gain again.

It's sin.  Totally and completely, without question - it is SIN.  Gluttony - I think that qualifies as one of the seven deadly - but not just gluttony, it honestly goes much deeper than that.  It's a lack of faith and trust; it's a rebellion - at least for me.

I am so disappointed in myself, but I can't blame anyone but myself.  I can make lots of excuses, and I can justify all day long -- stress, emotional hurts, busy schedules... pleasure, community, lack of support, but at the end of the day, I know what I need to do, and I fail to do it. Or rather I fail to keep doing it.

It's not wisdom or capacity I lack, it's perseverance.

The worst part about this sinful battle that I keep acquiescing in, is that I am really only hurting myself.  That's a common justification for sin, isn't it?  But i's also not true.  When I don't take care of myself, I fail to give my family the best of myself.

Recently, I asked my daughter if she was disappointed in me.  Her response was "I don't want to hurt your feelings."  Poor kid, she killed two birds with one stone. She hurt my feelings (upon my invitation) and she answered the question she didn't want to answer.  "Mom, she said, you're happier when you're thinner."  And, well, she's not wrong.  And it isn't just the best of myself that I am denying my family, but very possible, dare I say probably, I could be giving them LESS of myself (ironically) by shaving years off of my life.

I DO have an addiction problem - a sugar addiction problem.  And I have some biological and physiological health issues that compound that problem, but I cannot use that as an excuse.  Alcoholics shouldn't drink, and I shouldn't eat sugar.  But once I do, it's like opening the floodgate to overindulgence.  I need to better guard the gate.

The world is full of pushers.  My 7-11 clerk is a great example.  Starbucks and chocolate donettes as a weakness.  And when the Starbucks go on sale for 2 for $4 I practically run a groove into the path between home and the store.  And I like my little donuts with the drink.  I buy one pack and he insists they are on sale 2 for a cheaper price - and I am an easy sale.  Ice cream as a reward at 11 o'clock at night for surviving a difficult day, getting a cookie to go with my coffee when I am meeting with a friend, diving head first into the pack of Oreos because I'm feeling the stress - I never run out of excuses to go against good judgment and poison my body.

It really IS poison for me.  I have something called "insulin resistance," and when I eat sugar my pancreas overworks and though my blood sugar is properly maintained I have this excess insulin pulsing through my veins that demands more sugar to meet it - and the cycle goes on.  Why do I do it?

Because it feels good - for the moment.  Oh that all sin doesn't fit that excuse.  For the moment, the ice cream "on the lips" doesn't give an ounce of consideration to it's time "on the hips."  For the moment, eating an Oreo actually does take my mind off the stress, and promotes no concern for the unbelievable regret that I find at the scale the next day.

The scale.  I've stopped stepping on it.  I've honestly decided that denial is easier.  And for the moment, it is.  But it doesn't have the power and strength to fully stave off the regret, disappointment and... shame.  God - SHAME - such an ugly word.  It's even worse as a feeling.

So, tomorrow I am starting my detox. Hard and fast - literally a fast for a couple of days to kick myself into the process of getting sugar out of my system.  I have so much to look forward to - headaches, fatigue, body aches, nausea - all the classic withdrawal symptoms.  Not as severe as say detoxing from alcohol or drugs, but neither is it completely different.

I had to wait until my school spring break because I didn't think I could manage my schoolwork this week in the process of detox.  I wonder do drug addicts and alcoholics get "shit faced" the day before they enter rehab? Because I find myself making a point of final indulgences - Starbucks and donettes started my day. Why do I do that?

There is always an excuse NOT to do what I need to do.  My birthday is just a little over a week away.  Stupid time to start a diet, right?  No birthday cake?  No sweets for Easter?  And did I mention we are traveling out of town next weekend?  It's going to be so hard to watch what I eat on the road!

It is.  But I have decided that my birthday gift to myself is to try to get my act together one more time... and I know it will be hard, but anything worth doing is worth working at.  I'm starting detox on a Friday (1) because why one more weekend against me? And I am hoping that by the time we leave for our trip, my sugar cravings will be significantly better and I'm hoping it's enough time the worst of the detox side effects will have passed.

There is always an excuse or justification not to do the right thing.  Right now I am feeling the weight (literally) of doing exactly that over and over again.

I'm sharing here because once again I am trying to make myself accountable.  And because I don't think, in fact, I know, I am not alone in this ridiculous and difficult battle.  Maybe someone else will make a choice to take better care of themselves. And, honestly, I am a communicator and an outward processor - so here I am processing.

I pray God will get me to the place where the fruit of His Spirit will finally reflect Himself in this area of my life. I have always felt like there was a reason that Paul the apostle listed self-control last.  It's hard to get there.  But Lord, help me, I'm gonna try again.