Compassion for me is something I think more in my mind than I feel in my heart. The older I get, the more I find that to be the case, even the days of getting choked up at heart string pulling movies is past. I am more comfortable in my head than I am in my heart. I would rather rationalize than feel. I would rather plot out than tear up.
I don't like feelings, but I do have them. And I cannot stand to feel at the mercy of them.
Today I do not feel good.
I don't mean in the physical sense, if only that were the case. A nap and a bowl of warm soup often rectifies that kind of feeling. But the struggle I have today isn't in my body, it's in my heart, and my mind keeps trying to rise up and bring clarity to my feelings, but it keeps getting shoved back, and when my feelings get in control like that, it's never a good thing.
Today my feelings want very much to take control, and the truth is there is a part of me that wants me to let them, come what may... but feelings can be dangerous.
Today I feel walking away
Today I feel like people I count as friends really aren't,
like friendships are one-sided,
like I am disregarded,
just plain dis'd.
Today I feel like I am insignificant,
like nothing I do has ever had any lasting impact,
like I am completely replaceable,
like my life doesn't count.
I'm not writing this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or so good-intentioned people will try to boost my ego, or so that those who maybe actually have contributed to my feelings can try to rectify, justify or solidify the feelings. The truth is, right now I don't feel like giving a rat about it anyway.
I told you, feelings are dangerous, and the way I feel right now, I feel like being rash and making big sweeping cuts and moves in my life even if it means leaving a wake of "bodies" behind me. That is how I honestly feel.
It makes me wonder if this is what James referred to in the Bible as being double-minded. Because when my brain takes a back seat to my heart, I certainly feel "unstable in all my ways." And yet, even in acknowledging that struggle within, part of me feels like not caring and just being rash, making moves, living with consequences.
It's how I feel.
Maybe that's why God tells the double minded to resist the devil, because these fighting feelings want to usurp the authority in my life that should belong to the Holy Spirit of God. It is the opposite of the self-control that the Bible says is a fruit of the Spirit. These feelings, corruptible as they are. resist the wisdom that God offers, even advises the double minded to ask for.
"Be sober minded" the Bible says, but right now my mind is on a contact high of whatever my feelings are focused on. And the battle to wake up and walk right wages within me.
By the grace of God, the mind eventually rises up, remembers the Word of Truth that it has hidden in the heart of itself. But right now that eventual grace seems distant, because right now I would rather silence the wisdom and succumb to how I feel.
It makes me feel like I ought to step back, reign myself in and let the storm of emotions pass, however long that might require. So maybe not all feelings are bad after all.