100 Verse Challenge - Week 6

I'm super excited about this week's verses. I know the Challenge started off pretty easy, and for us at least with a lot of fervor. By week 4 the Challenge actually felt, well, challenging, and when week 5 was a light week and an opportunity to catch up, it also kind of felt like a week to slack off. I got the verse from week 5 down, but really not until yesterday. And then today I sat and read our verses for the new week, and the timing of them feels perfect. The perfect scriptures to remind me, and hopefully all of you exactly why we are doing this!

I'm excited about this week's TWO scriptures. Consider them confident "atta boy's" or "atta girl's" - there is GREAT purpose in why we are pursuing God's Word and hiding it in our hearts. So here we go, are you ready for the good news about learning and memorizing the Good News?

First scripture:

This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night, so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do. Joshua 1:8

I love this passage- clear instruction, 3 parts; with a promise, doubled It's simple, and yet so very profound.

Robert J. Morgan clarifies this verse for us in his book "100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart":

The Instruction:

(1) Don't let the word depart from your mouth: Speak it, read it, repeat it, hear it.

(2) Meditate on it day and night. Morgan tells us the original Hebrew word used here came from the word for "to mutter," imagine yourself continually speaking the Word of God to yourself and establishing it into your own heart.

(3) And after you have done these things, observe it. More simply said, OBEY. (OK, I realize it's not always that simple, but you get my drift.)

The Promise:

I'm excited because the promise in this verse is two fold: Prosperity and success. Now, I am by no means a "name it and claim it" Christian. But I do believe that in God's view point, if we put into practice His word, have it in our hearts and are obeying it, then surely we will be prosperous and successful in His kingdom.


Our next scripture for week 6 is one of my favorites. I love all of Psalm 119, God's Word about God's Word. Verse 11 is one I like to remind myself and my children of often. It's a simple truth that when put into practice, has a profound effect.

Second verse:

I have treasured Your word in my heart so that I may not sin against You. Psalm 119:11

This verse is an example of what I like to refer to as "kingdom math," the if/then passages of scripture. It's like simple mathematics, the basics of faith. 1 + 1 = 2 scripture. And the math here is simple, if you increase the Word you decrease the sin. The more of the Word you have, the less room there is for the corruptible.

Morgan shares a great D.L. Moody quote at the end of his expounding on Psalm 119:11 that is a great way to end this week's blog post: "Sin will keep us from the Bible, or the Bible will keep us from sin." Maybe this could be consider kingdom economics, but whatever way you might like to label it, in the end, the message is clear, if you're participating with us on this Challenge and learning these verses, your on your way to fulfilling the premises to some wonderful promises! And if you're new here, it's not too late to join! Click on The Challenge to RSVP now.

With All My Heart

Today has been a good day. I know that's true in part because as I walked into the house with my two younger children this afternoon after picking them up from school my daughter said to me, "Wow Mom, you must have had a really good day, huh?" And I know it was because she could sense the peace upon me. It's peace I haven't felt in a long time, most days lately as we walk into the front door, I've been the one doing the talking and it's been the same speech, "Please don't start with me, I'm not mad at you but it's been a long hard day and I just need you to leave Mommy alone."

I like the way today feels a lot better. And it feels pretty miraculous considering that yesterday was in the top 5 of rough days.

Last night at the end of the long day, after the kids had gone to bed, and I'd worked through my frustrations with a good solid workout, and I'd had a nice conversation with the love of my life, and I'd gotten a nice letter of encouragement from someone who is basically a stranger but also a supporter of this blog and a sister in Christ, I got in the shower. I guess I should just openly admit that is the closest thing I have to a prayer closet around here, and I am sad to report I am not wasting nearly as much water as I ought to be, but last night while I did my best to wash away the residue of the day, I heard the Lord speak to my heart.

The scripture that came to my mind as I stood in the shower was Jeremiah 29:13. It's verse 11 of that chapter that is the "popular" verse, often repeated and shared, but verse 13 has always been the standout verse of the chapter for me. I have had my moments that I have held to the better known verse, but 13, it's the one that has captured my heart, and one I hadn't really thought about in a while.

It says, "And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

Oh blessed kingdom math, the absolute, the if/ then principle. It touches my soul. And in that moment as I focused on that verse, I felt the Lord say, "Seek Me."

So simple, and yet so profound. I was coming to the Lord with a list of problems and concerns and I was weary and weighted and in those two simple words, what He was saying was He has the answers, and if I will concern myself with Him, He will take care of my list. Maybe not how I want or might expect, but somehow, His way, the right way, my list will be taken care of.

I can't tell you the relief those two words brought me. Coming from a moment of really having no idea what I should do, to crossing into an absolute confident assurance of what it is I am supposed to do. Seek Him Wow.

When I woke up this morning I was singing. It's been so long since the last time I remember waking up with a song on my lips. It's a song I love, one the Lord revealed to me at a difficult time before. Come to think of it, it may be a full circle moment since then, and yet, I have yet to give over to truly seeking Him with all my heart.

The lyrics to the song I awoke to are so simple, yet so profound and perfectly capture a poignant truth. (If you'd like to hear it/ see the video, click here.)

The more I seek You,
The more I find You
The more I find You, the more I love You

I wanna sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against Tou and breathe, feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming

All day long the song resonated in my heart. When I got up to work out this morning I stopped for the first time in a while and bowed to my knees and gave the Father the day. It was a simple prayer, short, seconds long, but effective. As I did my workout this morning my heart and mind were already properly focused, and that hasn't been true in a while either.

I sang the song in the shower, and wondered where I should do my devotional this morning, I even asked for suggestions from my Facebook friends. But as I was getting dressed I thought of my favorite devotional book, one that has spoken a timely word to me again and again, My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, So I came out to my laptop and pulled it up along with biblegateway.com to see what the Lord might have to say. And this is what I read in today's devotional. "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading. It is a life of Faith, not of intellect and reason, but a life of knowing Who makes us 'go'. The root of faith is the knowledge of a Person..." What it spoke to me? Was again, to "seek Him."

I have big dreams, I also have big challenges, and I have looked at these and for the life of me not been able to grasp in my mind how the challenges could be resolved or the dreams could be accomplished. I have imagined, wondered, lamented, and never for the life of me been able to come up with any scenario that anything might ever work out. And suddenly as I read this, I realized, it's not for me to figure out. It is for me to... seek Him.

When I got to Facebook later I saw that one of my friends recommended Hebrews 11. As it happened, that was what the reference scripture for the Chambers devotional was. It felt like... confirmation. As I was looking at the passage on the screen I kept feeling the prompting of the Holy Spirit to look the verse up in my actual bible. When I did I saw that the commentary alongside the chapter was from a Max Lucado book titled "He Still Moves Stones." My God, the God I need to seek, He is the Mover of seemingly immovable stones. A quote from the book there stated, "God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely your salvation. The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers. The darker the room, the greater the need for light... God's help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it. Nothing results from apathy."

I have been afraid for so long that my situation, my challenges would never change, and that my dreams would never come true, that I have let it paralyze me. I have let it stop me from doing anything at all, even thinking on the dreams that in my heart of hearts, I believe He actually gave me.

Today while I was at work the office was empty as everyone else had left for lunch. I was doing my job, still singing the song, "The more I seek You, the more I find You.... the more I find You, the more I love You..." as I was walking down the stairs suddenly I heard the Lord, to my heart He spoke, "You are a woman of great faith." It stopped me in my tracks. I gasped for breath, and as I felt the Holy Spirit fall, I began to cry. I AM a woman of great faith. I am the woman who has believed God for big things, big and impossible things, and I have stood in that faith with confidence when everything, EVERYthing has said I had no reason to trust or believe. And the beautiful thing about it, God has never let me down.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I have been trying to "see" for so long, that somewhere along the line, I stopped looking. I stopped seeking. But, no more.

Verse 6 of Hebrews 11 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." OK Lord, I'm listening. I hear you. I will seek You, with all my heart.

Nothing has changed really, the circumstances are exactly the same, but my perspective is not. I remember now, Who holds the future. I am remembering His faithfulness, His goodness. I am remembering Him, and I am remembering that whatever else happens or doesn't, the point of it all is to know Him, more and more.

So I am going to be obedient to the Word, and to the word He has spoken to my heart, and above all else, I am going to dig deep, focus on Him. This morning my little sister (in-law) commented on one of my Facebook statuses and she said this, "the valleys SUCK, but put your blinders on, stare at God and follow him out of the suck, ♥ you." They were the most beautiful and profound words, truth be told. And what they spoke very clearly to me, "seek Him." And so that alone is my focus right now, to figure out how to get all my heart in line, on focusing and seeking after my God, because I am a woman of great faith, and it's about time I started living like one.

Falling In Love Again

It's been almost 21 years (wow!) since I fell in love with my dear husband, but I can sit here close my eyes and still remember so many details about that time in my life. I remember the way my blood pressure would rise just thinking about him, feeling my heart swell at the anticipation of spending time with him. It doesn't hurt that he can still rise my blood pressure and still make my heart go pitter patter, but this was a different kind of love, a new love. OK, OK before you go running and screaming from the computer, this post isn't about my passionate love for my husband, though if you'd like to read about that, you can do so here.

What I do want to talk about today is similar though, my heart's been set a pitter patter again, but not for my dear husband, but rather for my First Love, the greatest romance of my life, my love for the Lord. I'm not falling in love for the first time, like I did with Neal nearly 21 years ago, but I am falling in love again like I did almost 19 years ago with my Lord and Savior.

2010 has started off nicely, it feels more fresh and new than any year I can recall in recent history. I know it had lots to do with my unplugging in the transition of the New Year, but it's being built upon with renewed focus and a new effort towards discipline in life. Discipline and romance? How does that compute? I don't know actually, but it does.

Actually, I guess it does make sense. I never feel more loved than when my husband makes me feel like a priority. He does it in lots of different ways. Sometimes I'll hear him on the phone with a friend and I hear him say, "OK, let me check with my wife and I'll get back to you." It blesses my heart to know he is putting me and our marriage ahead of whatever adventure he's being invited into on the other end of that line. Or sometimes when my kids have made a poor choice and been disrespectful to me, I hear him say, "Don't talk to my wife (your mom) that way," and crazy as it seems it makes me really happy. It tells me he values me, because I belong to him, I hold a place in his life above all other people. Most of all when Neal sets aside time just for me, that really makes me feel loved. I remember for my 35th birthday when he went out of the way to plan a whole weekend just for the two of us. He booked a room at a bed & breakfast in Solvang (one of my favorite places) for a weekend, made arrangements for childcare, booked us a train ride, rented a car, and surprised me with the whole thing. He quite literally swept me off my feet, and it required a lot of planning, purposefulness and well... discipline to accomplish it, but it meant the world to me, and I felt so very loved.

Well, I've been trying to exercise the same kind of discipline with my First Love since the start of this New Year. I have decided that spending time with God needs to come first. I have decided that my time and attention need to be directed at him above all else. I've joined in with my church in the reading plan for the year, not just because I want to click something off a "to do" list, but because I know the Father is found there, in those words. I'm not reading and rushing but rather like my pastor said recently, I am seeking to "read the scriptures and be read by the scriptures."

The other night I rented a great movie (that I highly recommend) called Joshua. At one point in the movie this rather angry priest is talking about the scriptures, preaching hell, fire and brimstone, sharing a very legalistic view of the word when he turns to the main character and asks him holding out the bible what he makes this book out to be. Joshua looks at him and says, "It's a love letter." I suppose that sentiment has become somewhat of a cliche, but it doesn't make it any less true. (Cliches become cliches for a reason after all, don't they?)

So it occurs to me, if He took the time to write this beautiful love letter for me, then shouldn't I, at the very least, take the time to read it? Does it require discipline and effort? Well, yes it does, because the fact of the matter is, my Love has a lot he wants to say to me. But knowing the nature of my Love, He is not wasteful with His words, so each of them are important, none to be ignored. I have decided that this needs to take precedence over other activities in my life, like hours of time on Facebook and in front of the television on the couch... sometimes all three at once. Instead I want to spend the bulk of my time cultivating my romance. As much as I would like though to spend all day reading my love letter, practicality wins out. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I have three kids who need me, a husband who's needs I want to meet, a job, a house that requires time and attention, life continually going on. It has to be tended to, and it turns out there is even still an appropriate time and a place for Facebook and TV watching (like the awesome time I had watching Joshua).

The difference I am finding here in the New Year, what is working to care for the greatest romance of my life, is God's place in all my activities, He's #1. Oh Lord, as I proclaim it, please by Your Spirit, help me to maintain it.

The bible says it like this, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17.

I'm putting Him first, for the first time in a long time, and everything. feels. so. different.

When Neal makes me feel like a priority, like he did on my 35th birthday, I want nothing more than to show him my love in return. I was so grateful for that weekend, not just for the time spent but the effort he put out to make it happen. I look back on that weekend with the fondest of memories because we just were able to enjoy each other's company so much. We just hung out together, focusing on each other, on our marriage. It strengthened the bond between us. Not only did I feel loved, but by the end of the weekend I know I had managed to show him love too, as much as he gave, I did my best to give back. We both came home feeling refreshed and renewed.

It's a lot like what I have been feeling these past few days, but even more so. As I have given my relationship with the Lord the honor and attention it deserves, reading, praying, meditating, even just "chatting" with God, I cannot begin to express to you how much I have been made aware of His love for me in return, and the strength I have found in it, is nothing short of miraculous.

I've been trying to take better care of myself physically in the New Year too. And I am coming to realize even that is a form of worship to the Father when kept in balance and perspective. My body and my health are gifts from God, and I need to be a good steward of them. The other night my son Ethan said something very profound. He said, "I only have one life, so I have to use it wisely." Unfortunately he was talking about the Mario Bros game on the Wii, but the truth of what he said rang in my heart. It's so much more true for us than it was for him in his game.

I've managed to work out every day so far this year, but this morning it was hard to get out of bed. For a moment I thought about enjoying another half hour's sleep before I got up to do my morning reading, but then I remembered that yesterday spending half an hour stretching and exercising made me a lot more awake and alert when I sat down to read the Word. So when I realized it was to the benefit of my relationship with Him, I got out of bed instead of heading back to sleep. Lord, continue to be my strength and my center in all I do.

Even as I am sitting here writing this blog, I cannot tell you how many times I have stopped and asked Him to help me find the words to share what He wants me to share. I want Him to be first in that too.

I have to tell you, it's so much like falling in love 19 years ago. My mind is consumed with Him, I fall asleep thinking about Him, I wake up thinking about Him. Last night Neal and I went to the store together and as we were packing our groceries in our car one of the store employees came over and started making conversation. Before I knew it he was telling us about some serious concerns in his life. I could hear the Lord in my ear, "pray for him." So before he walked away, I asked him if we could. The three of us stood in the parking lot and Neal and I laid hands on him. That is so not my nature. But even being in the grocery store parking lot had become about Him, my relationship with Him, and it's wonderful.

Unlike the potential to fail in reciprocating Neal's love when he makes me a priority through effort and discipline (of romance), the Lord will never fail in responding to my attempts to deepen my relationship with Him. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8 says. It's "kingdom math" and I love and appreciate that so much. It's a guarantee, and the Lord will never fail to accomplish it.

I pray 2010 will be a year of Great Romance, the greatest of romances, because as much as I give and invest, I can never outgive God, and the return is unending. May 2010 be a year of Great Romance in your life as well... in Jesus' name.

Be Kind Rewind

This morning was one of those mornings, you know the ones I mean, the ones where you'd like to stop and be able to push a rewind button and find yourself with a nice friendly "do over." Or maybe you don't know what I mean, because unlike me you do not have the personality type equivalent to a pull cord toy. Pull cord toy? You know, if you're old enough, you pulled the little white plastic cord out of the back of the toy, car, top, etc and it went off and spinning spasmodically running into or over everything in it's path. Well, even if you don't remember it, I'm pretty sure the description carries through. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

And actually having a morning such as this was really disheartening after such a great day yesterday. I was so focused and abiding in God's presence, it was palpable. Yesterday morning was so blessed, it wasn't necessarily running any better, but my attitude was. (If only that was something you could always control... oh, wait.) Yesterday morning I was joking with the little kids speaking to them in Seussical rhymes and laughing with them. We prayed in the car on the way to school (which we did today too as every day, but yesterday was better) I was singing praise songs as I walked into the school with the little kids. I know I was because later someone told me I was. I was actually singing all day long yesterday, it was an overflow of the Holy Spirit and the joy of the Lord, leaking out most of the day. We even got through homework peaceably - that's like a near miracle. I'll confess things were petering out by bedtime, but all in all, yesterday was a good day. The Kingdom math was working, I was abiding in Him, and He was abiding me, and the fruit was good.

Ahh but today was a new day, and not in that "joy in the morning" "new mercy" kind of way, it was just plain old different. My problem could probably actually be traced back to last night. I stayed up til 1 am - huge mistake. So this morning I dragged my sorry self out of bed barely able to open my eyes to get to the sink to wash my face hopes in bringing a little revitalization. Yesterday morning I got out of bed and physically got on my knees to give the Lord my day. I prayed and asked Him for the strength I needed. This morning I sort of mumbled to him in my half conscious state and once my face was washed I hit the ground stumbling (sooo not running) and moved at my awkward pace a good 5 minutes behind.

I got on the computer and tried to throw together our DePriest Days Flashback Friday meme and it wasn't exactly going smoothly. I was also updating our accounts on Quicken, the least pleasant part of my morning routine. I got my daily phone call from the hubby and we prayed together and then I got the little kids out of bed. Correction, I had Jacob get the little kids out of bed. Jake got them breakfast (his least favorite part of his daily routine) and headed out the door. I was still battling with my Flashback Friday post when the phone rang. Jake always calls to let me know he's made it to school, but this wasn't that phone call unless he had new bionic legs installed while I was asleep last night. No, wasn't that call at all. It was a call I've had before however, it was the call to say, "Hey mom, my chain broke again." Did I mention I was still in my pajamas at this point?

So I grabbed some jeans and the closest t-shirt, frantically searched for my keys (yes Neal, I really should find a place to put the, every day... I really should...) and yelled directions at my 7 and 8 year-olds who I would now be leaving home alone to "finish getting dressed, throw some lunches together (my other job I was a little behind on) and don't touch each other!" So I call Jake who is on the wrong corner, I tell him to switch corners, which when he is my sight, he clearly has not done. So I get in the lane for the corner he is in, and he crosses to the other corner before I get there. Sigh. I drive in this beautiful big circle and finally drive past him so we won't get killed on the side of the road (reading my mind would be an excellent talent for my children to have.) I get out of the car and we proceed with the battle of getting his bike in the back of my mini van. I drive two blocks and tell him to walk fast because if I drive into the craziness that is the drop off zone, Ethan and Victoria may be old enough drive themselves to school by the time get back to them - if no one has killed anyone that is. As always, my poor "practice kid" Jake gets the worst of my reactions and I just can say a whole lot more about that than I am so grateful for what a gracious and forgiving kid God gave me in Jacob.

So, I get home, put Jake's bike in the garage and Victoria is doing her best to be a little me (without the pull cord nuances), Ethan had locked himself in the bathroom (timing - at least no one was touching anyone...) and I'm off and running. I had to go add a piece of clothing I had missed before I left for Jake, barked assorted orders at assorted children, repeatedly to the one who couldn't seem to grasp the concept of "find socks and put them on!" So whereas yesterday we left with laughter, smiles and singing, I'm just happy to say no one was in tears this morning.

I was halfway to school when the stark contrast between the last two mornings really hit me. And the words in the title of this post came to me. "Be kind, rewind." It's a shame it's not an option. You cannot un-ring a bell, as they say. The careless words were spoken, the bad attitude exemplified, the fires already lit. The best I could hope for was a start-over, because a do-over doesn't really exist. That's where grace and forgiveness really come in.

So I apologized to the little people in the back seat (yet again) and sent a text apology to my oldest (because it was the best option I have before 3 pm arrives) and I had to throw out some kind of love line to the big kid.

After I dropped the kids I got in the car and stopped. I stopped the running and the spinning and the craziness. I asked the Lord to help me, I asked to start over. I gave Him the rest of my day. I put on worship music and focused on the Lord. I headed over to Coffee Bean, because although my spirit was turning, my flesh was still fighting. As I got out of the car I caught my reflection in the window and saw what looked like a huge gray hair sticking out of the front of my hair. I probably grew it out this very morning in all my running about.

I went inside and ordered a large dose of caffeine and sugar, the caffeine to overcome the lack of sleep and the sugar because I still struggle with self-medicating, and sugar is my drug of choice. I laughed with the girls in the shop, who know me well, although usually for a nice sugar free iced tea; and the girl making my drink spilled it all over the counter. I apologized assuring her it was overflow of my infected morning. At least it made her laugh. I got here to work, and am putting this all down before I lose it.

The stress is dissipating, I'm trying to draw near. I am grateful for the grace of the start over, and as I seek to abide, I am counting on the kingdom math of as I draw near, He will too. I am even hoping beyond hope for a song or two to be flowing out of me by the time I pick the kids up from school. I'll have more apologies and hugs for all my children when I see them today, hoping yet again that I will have taught them well a lesson on being real, confessing your faults (I have had SO many opportunities to teach them such lessons!) and the grace of God.

Is it any wonder I am studying both humility and servanthood this week.... first lesson learned, I've got a lot of room to grow! But I kind of already knew that.

(Interesting side note, as I hit the spell check before posting, "servanthood," it doesn't even register as a word, doesn't that speak volumes? When I googled it, it came up only two ways, "Biblical servanthood" or "Christian servanthood." Things that make you go hmmmm....

Decisions, Decisions

The concept has been in the forefront of my mind this week, the weight of decisions, the importance of them. When I went looking for a picture to go along with this post, I thought this one was perfect. Decisions are so important, even ones that may seem minuscule in the moment of making them, their effect can be vast and long term. I loved this picture the moment that I saw it because it occurred to me the key ingredient that is lost in the process of most decisions, it's strategy. I looked up the meaning of it, strategy is defined as "a plan or method for achieving a specific goal." That's the problem, too many decisions are being made without any goal in mind.

It makes me think of a particular scripture in the King James version. Proverbs 29:18a says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish..."

I don't actually proclaim to be certain that this is the correct interpretation of the verse, but it is food for thought.

So, you might ask, what is it that has me thinking about the magnitude of decisions. Why I am I consumed with their power, what power am I actually contemplating that they have? I have a multitude of thoughts running through my head, so I'm just going to share a couple of them randomly.

Are people truly ignorant enough to believe that the decisions they make don't affect anyone but themselves? (Clearly they are.)

Why do the young and foolish have so much power and authority in the decision making process? (Case in point, 19-year old me, made decisions that nearly 40-year-old me still has to walk out.)

Okay, confession... that wasn't random at all. These are the thoughts that are consuming my mind lately.

Earlier this week there was a huge tragedy in my neck of the woods. There was a pitcher for the Angels, Nick Adenhart, who was killed in a car accident. Well, it's almost hard to call it an accident. This young upstart who was just 22-years-old, full of promise and potential was suddenly and tragically killed by a drunk driver. The drunk driver was also just 22, driving on a suspended license for a previous incident with alcohol. He ran a red light and killed three people, a fourth still hanging in the balance. Two young men, two very different stories.

I think about the two of them and it saddens me. Adenhart had vision, he carefully and strategically focused on a goal for his life and he was working hard towards it. He was just beginning to see his vision come to fruition. Then you have this other young man, who put no forethought in his decision. He got into a car and put himself and every other person on the road with him at risk without any consideration for possible consequences, and the worst case scenario came true. And although now charged with 3 counts of murder, he potentially faces a huge consequence for his actions, one could clearly make the argument that others by far have paid a much greater price for his lack of wisdom in the decision making process, obviously those who paid with their life and health, but also those who loved the ones that were lost. The apparent randomness is disheartening.

And for me, there lies a dilemma in thought. I don't actually believe that my sovereign God and randomness coexist well together, or actually at all. It sort of makes my brain hurt. I do know that God is the filter by which all thing that touch our lives comes through. I also know that fact can be cold comfort to those who are in the midst of grief and suffering, no matter how true it may be.

Consequences aren't always so dire. Sometimes they are just undesirable. That's the case of that 19-year-old I was speaking of. I imagine that's something that probably almost everyone considers. I look back at myself at that age and realize I did a lot of things that sort of backed me into some of the circumstances I find myself in now. Let me be clear here. I overwhelmingly love my life. I have a husband I adore, children who are precious to me, parents who have been beyond good to me and enabled me to be far more available to my children than most working moms, but there are areas of my life where I find myself "existing" rather than truly living my dreams because at 19 I was more interested in hanging out and going to the beach than I was in getting an education and broadening my horizon of opportunity. And it doesn't help that my husband and I pretty much chose that road together. He lives with the choice of a 15-year-old to drop out of high school and I live with the choice of a 19-year old to drop out of college.

That thought weighs on me these days also as I am the mother of a teenager, knowing my son is only years, theoretically moments, away from being in the same situation, making decisions now he will have to live out 25 year from now and beyond. Can I just say it? As smart as my Jacob is, he's not equipped to make those kinds of decisions... and yet the power is in his hands.

It takes me back to that scripture from Proverbs, but I'd like to share a different translation with you, along with the second half of the verse. This is from the New Century Version, a more literal and contemporary translation. It says, "Where there is no word from God, people are uncontrolled, but those who obey what they have been taught are happy."

Oddly, this translation offers me hope in what in some ways seems rather hopeless.

Someone told me that Nick Adenhart was a Christian. I don't actually know that for certain, but I do know his best friend on the team, Dustin Mosely, has repeatedly proclaimed Christ publicly. It makes me wonder if it couldn't be so. Perhaps his drive and purposefulness in the way he lived his life was birthed out of a personal faith in Jesus Christ. It is certainly feasible.

I also look back at 19-year-old me, and 15-year-old Neal, and I know for certain that we had no revelation in that season of our lives, because we had no relationship with Christ at that time. I look at my 15-year-old son and am thankful that that isn't the case for him. Although I see (at times profoundly) the typical youthful foolishness in him, I also know that he has a conviction outside of himself and knows he is not living his life for himself alone. He has a sense of accountability and responsibility to his Creator that I did not have at that age. I have hope that it will help guide him through his life, and that perhaps he will be more strategic in his decision making process in these most powerful days.

I also have other "situations" going on around me that have brought a lot of this to the forefront of my mind. I am praying daily as I watch people I love and care about making decisions under the deception that they won't have catastrophic effects on themselves and others around them. I find myself somehow caught in the crossfires of some of these situations knowing that even for me there has been a cost. In some of them even if the one wielding the power should turn back, in all likelihood what I have lost will remain so. And even though my greatest concern is for other innocents in the circumstance more than for myself, it doesn't change the fact that loss hurts, and grief remains.

Decisions, decisions. We make thousands of them a day, everything from what time to get out of bed, what to have for breakfast, to what I am going to do with the rest of my life. What to do if one has made life choices with less strategy than put into deciding over a cereal choice? Hmmm, another decision to be made. Too much thought could overwhelm you, not enough might send you further down a dark and directionless road.

Where is the hope? Alas, back to the second half of the verse... "but those who obey what they have been taught are happy."

Even as I consider choices poorly made, I can have hope that they will not have to bear the same weight as a poor choice. I can start from here, where I am now and make the decision to live my life in obedience, and the Lord will bring happiness into my circumstance.

Kingdom math, my favorite... godly teaching + obedience = happiness.

From this point forward, I can make the decision to find the revelation of God. Even the young man who cost the lives of three has this hope. He can make a change and a turning point to live for Christ, and potentially bring some good outof tragedy. I pray for him that he does. For me, God's guidance and direction and offer hope, that even as I walk out the decisions of that 19-year-old girl, there can be blessing in any missteps I made, even any foolishness I chose. (Romans 8:28, all things.)

This brings to my mind a favorite scripture of mine.

Psalms 37:23-24 says, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand."

That's me. I'm the "good man." Not in the humanistic sense of a decent person by comparison, because that really doesn't apply. I know my righteousness is as filthy rags, but I have achieved my "goodness" through faith in Christ. And because I have invested my faith in Him, He has invested His goodness in me. (That's one of the best Kingdom Math solutions of all!) So because of that wonderful truth, I know that even those steps in my life that I feel like I backed into, or even stumbled into are all covered under His grace.

My apparent randomness is in line with His sovereign order. Though my decisions may have caused me to fall, I am caught and not landing on my face, utterly cast down, because all the while I am held onto by my Creator, who has given my life purpose and hope. I am protected, not only from my own decisions, but also from the decisions of others who can and do affect me.

Truly I need to stop here, because even as I begin to wrap my mind around His goodness and His grace, and the sovereignty behind the circumstance, the reality beyond apparent randomness, my brain starts to hurt again.

So I will close with this, an email that my mom sent me yesterday that sort of sums it up. It was a story of a very old retired pastor, some 96-years-old, who was asked to come and speak to a congregation. They asked him to share the most profound truth he had learned in all his years of serving the Lord. Very old, slowly moving, slowly speaking, he made his way before the congregation to impart the truth he believed to be the most definitive in all his days. This is what he shared.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. All little ones to Him belong, though they are weak, He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.

Amen.