I know I promised part two to my Bezalel post, and I will get to it, because God really did show me some awesome things, but it will have to wait for another day, because this morning, the depth of that message is faded a little today, because I am struggling.
I don't really care for the term "self talk" because it wreaks all too mightily of a psychology term, and well, I'm not a big fan of Psychology. Hear me out, it is "man's study of man" and so to me that indicates it is inherently flawed. My bigger issue is how often it gets equated with Biblical truth, and it's not, not even close. But I digress, and that's not the point of this blog.
"Self talk," it's the sound of my own voice inside of my head. The fact is, it is the loudest voice in my life. It's constant. I hear the sound of my own voice all the time.
This morning I would like to cover my internal voice's proverbial mouth with a big piece of duct tape just to shut it up.
It's just a (relatively) typical Saturday morning. It's Ethan's birthday, so that makes it special, but he and his dad are off on a birthday morning excursion. Jake's away at camp, so Just V and I are here in the house. She got up and made herself breakfast and is in watching TV (though she should be cleaning her room) and I got up and did my devotional time and started my day.
Part of my daily devotional is writing in a journal to the Lord. I tend to get distracted when I pray, and this is where I focus and talk to Him about my life, my feelings and thoughts. It's where I whine to Him, cry to Him, thank Him, ask Him, praise Him. It's where I take all the thoughts and talk in my head and I turn it towards Him.
So this morning as I wrote in my journal it was full of doubts and concerns. There was probably some whining, but it wasn't extensive. I just poured my heart out to Him, and today, my heart is struggling.
After that I got up and started getting a load of laundry together. I only have a few things that fit right now, because I threw away all my "fat clothes" when I lost all kinds of weight. But I've put on a lot of it, so my thinner clothes don't fit again and I'm sort of stuck in this middle weight limbo. As I filled the laundry basket I told myself what an idiot and a failure I am for putting 23 lbs back on. I'm mad at me, because I was doing something right, and then I stopped. And then I started doing something wrong. And now I feel stuck. What a loser.
Yesterday we got hit with a HUGE unexpected expense. Our refrigerator died, and it cost over a $1000 dollars to get a new one, with a decent warranty (using the term "decent" very loosely there.) The whole process was stressful, we lost all kinds of groceries and we had to get it home in the truck in the rain. My dad and Neal had to work hard to get it in the house, removing doors, risking their backs, and it still got damaged getting it in too, so we paid a $1000 and we messed it up already (and it was from an outlet with a little damage to begin with.) So my self talk is questioning whether or not I have done something to displease the Lord.
God is pleased with their ways.
Psalm 37:23 NCV
This verse was in my reading this morning, and all i could think was, I'm trying to follow the Lord, but it doesn't feel like He is pleased with me. Could this just be "life"? Probably, but my self talk always looks to my own fault in everything. Am I not a good enough steward with what I've been given? Does this unexpected expense translate into discipline for not taking good care of our money? For not being faithful enough? This is where my mind goes. This is the self-talk I hear in my head.
It's very accusatory. Do you hear it? It accuses against me, BIG TIME, and it accuses against God too. My self talk is an accuser. Go google that, go google "the accuser." Go... I'll wait....
Did you do it? Did you see? Who did Google say is "the accuser?" It said the same thing as my Bible says, "The accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accused them day and night before our God has been thrown down." Revelation 12:10. Unfortunately that "throw down" is still prophecy yet to be filled, and so right now, Satan goes on accusing.
I don't know how or if to argue specifically that the enemy of my soul is in my head, but I do know he is the god (little g) of this world and because I am living in his world I undoubtedly have the power to be influenced by it, and therefore, by him. And I think my self talk, is rooted in the wrong place today.
The good news is that there is an answer.
Our weapons have power from God that can destroy the enemy's strong places. We destroy people's arguments and every proud thing that raises itself against the knowledge of God.
We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NCV
Capture those little boogers of thoughts who are running off in all different directions being defiant disobedient snots. Grab them by the tail and bring them back to obedience. Sounds so simple, but if you read the passage closely you will realize that the process is actually a part of an act of war. We're taking the enemy down, and we're doing it in his own territory. There's only one way to accomplish that, you've got to be armed to the max.
Enter God's armor:
Never give up. Days it feels like there will never be any rest. I am in a season of those days. The battle is intense, and some days much of it is in my head. So I've got to armor up for the fight.
Belt of truth - there is no room for any deception, half truth, darkness or deceit.
Right living - when you're in the army, you have to obey orders, follow the leader, remember Who is in charge.
Good News - where it on your feet? That's right be moving forward sharing the gospel of truth.
Faith - our shield. What has always struck me about the "shield of faith" is that it is the one piece of our defensive armor that can move. Every other thing that protects is fastened very specifically. But your faith, you move that wherever the enemy is shooting his arrows, even when it's inside your own head.
Salvation - Keep it clear in your head,always, if you belong to the Lord, you belong to the Lord and He sees you through Christ. Your salvation is secure.
The sword of the Spirit, the Word - can I just say it? I love my Sword. Madly and passionately, I love God's word. My mathematical brain rejoices in the simplicity of all the "if, then's" of God's Word, and so very many of the "If's" have been fulfilled by the Lord, so "then" based on Him, I have so many promises to hold.
How I long to be a skilled swordswoman. Sometimes I am. And sometimes, I leave my sword over on the side of my bed while I am stuffing dirty clothes in laundry basket and get hit with an attack I'm not ready for. And the Bible says, you must always be ready and never give up. Oh yeah, and then there's that real critical instruction to Pray!
Is there a battle going on in your brain? Are you accusing yourself? Worse, are you accusing God or His character?" It's a battle, a huge one in the spiritual realm, and whether or not you realized you signed up for this war, you are in it. Armor up, and respond to the accusations with the Truth (capital T). Crack open the case and pull out your sword. Speak the Word of Truth, to yourself and to the world around you. We're going to take the enemy down, and we're going to do it on his own turf. Shut that sucker up, let's take some ground.