With All My Heart

Today has been a good day. I know that's true in part because as I walked into the house with my two younger children this afternoon after picking them up from school my daughter said to me, "Wow Mom, you must have had a really good day, huh?" And I know it was because she could sense the peace upon me. It's peace I haven't felt in a long time, most days lately as we walk into the front door, I've been the one doing the talking and it's been the same speech, "Please don't start with me, I'm not mad at you but it's been a long hard day and I just need you to leave Mommy alone."

I like the way today feels a lot better. And it feels pretty miraculous considering that yesterday was in the top 5 of rough days.

Last night at the end of the long day, after the kids had gone to bed, and I'd worked through my frustrations with a good solid workout, and I'd had a nice conversation with the love of my life, and I'd gotten a nice letter of encouragement from someone who is basically a stranger but also a supporter of this blog and a sister in Christ, I got in the shower. I guess I should just openly admit that is the closest thing I have to a prayer closet around here, and I am sad to report I am not wasting nearly as much water as I ought to be, but last night while I did my best to wash away the residue of the day, I heard the Lord speak to my heart.

The scripture that came to my mind as I stood in the shower was Jeremiah 29:13. It's verse 11 of that chapter that is the "popular" verse, often repeated and shared, but verse 13 has always been the standout verse of the chapter for me. I have had my moments that I have held to the better known verse, but 13, it's the one that has captured my heart, and one I hadn't really thought about in a while.

It says, "And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

Oh blessed kingdom math, the absolute, the if/ then principle. It touches my soul. And in that moment as I focused on that verse, I felt the Lord say, "Seek Me."

So simple, and yet so profound. I was coming to the Lord with a list of problems and concerns and I was weary and weighted and in those two simple words, what He was saying was He has the answers, and if I will concern myself with Him, He will take care of my list. Maybe not how I want or might expect, but somehow, His way, the right way, my list will be taken care of.

I can't tell you the relief those two words brought me. Coming from a moment of really having no idea what I should do, to crossing into an absolute confident assurance of what it is I am supposed to do. Seek Him Wow.

When I woke up this morning I was singing. It's been so long since the last time I remember waking up with a song on my lips. It's a song I love, one the Lord revealed to me at a difficult time before. Come to think of it, it may be a full circle moment since then, and yet, I have yet to give over to truly seeking Him with all my heart.

The lyrics to the song I awoke to are so simple, yet so profound and perfectly capture a poignant truth. (If you'd like to hear it/ see the video, click here.)

The more I seek You,
The more I find You
The more I find You, the more I love You

I wanna sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against Tou and breathe, feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming

All day long the song resonated in my heart. When I got up to work out this morning I stopped for the first time in a while and bowed to my knees and gave the Father the day. It was a simple prayer, short, seconds long, but effective. As I did my workout this morning my heart and mind were already properly focused, and that hasn't been true in a while either.

I sang the song in the shower, and wondered where I should do my devotional this morning, I even asked for suggestions from my Facebook friends. But as I was getting dressed I thought of my favorite devotional book, one that has spoken a timely word to me again and again, My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, So I came out to my laptop and pulled it up along with biblegateway.com to see what the Lord might have to say. And this is what I read in today's devotional. "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading. It is a life of Faith, not of intellect and reason, but a life of knowing Who makes us 'go'. The root of faith is the knowledge of a Person..." What it spoke to me? Was again, to "seek Him."

I have big dreams, I also have big challenges, and I have looked at these and for the life of me not been able to grasp in my mind how the challenges could be resolved or the dreams could be accomplished. I have imagined, wondered, lamented, and never for the life of me been able to come up with any scenario that anything might ever work out. And suddenly as I read this, I realized, it's not for me to figure out. It is for me to... seek Him.

When I got to Facebook later I saw that one of my friends recommended Hebrews 11. As it happened, that was what the reference scripture for the Chambers devotional was. It felt like... confirmation. As I was looking at the passage on the screen I kept feeling the prompting of the Holy Spirit to look the verse up in my actual bible. When I did I saw that the commentary alongside the chapter was from a Max Lucado book titled "He Still Moves Stones." My God, the God I need to seek, He is the Mover of seemingly immovable stones. A quote from the book there stated, "God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely your salvation. The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers. The darker the room, the greater the need for light... God's help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it. Nothing results from apathy."

I have been afraid for so long that my situation, my challenges would never change, and that my dreams would never come true, that I have let it paralyze me. I have let it stop me from doing anything at all, even thinking on the dreams that in my heart of hearts, I believe He actually gave me.

Today while I was at work the office was empty as everyone else had left for lunch. I was doing my job, still singing the song, "The more I seek You, the more I find You.... the more I find You, the more I love You..." as I was walking down the stairs suddenly I heard the Lord, to my heart He spoke, "You are a woman of great faith." It stopped me in my tracks. I gasped for breath, and as I felt the Holy Spirit fall, I began to cry. I AM a woman of great faith. I am the woman who has believed God for big things, big and impossible things, and I have stood in that faith with confidence when everything, EVERYthing has said I had no reason to trust or believe. And the beautiful thing about it, God has never let me down.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I have been trying to "see" for so long, that somewhere along the line, I stopped looking. I stopped seeking. But, no more.

Verse 6 of Hebrews 11 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." OK Lord, I'm listening. I hear you. I will seek You, with all my heart.

Nothing has changed really, the circumstances are exactly the same, but my perspective is not. I remember now, Who holds the future. I am remembering His faithfulness, His goodness. I am remembering Him, and I am remembering that whatever else happens or doesn't, the point of it all is to know Him, more and more.

So I am going to be obedient to the Word, and to the word He has spoken to my heart, and above all else, I am going to dig deep, focus on Him. This morning my little sister (in-law) commented on one of my Facebook statuses and she said this, "the valleys SUCK, but put your blinders on, stare at God and follow him out of the suck, ♥ you." They were the most beautiful and profound words, truth be told. And what they spoke very clearly to me, "seek Him." And so that alone is my focus right now, to figure out how to get all my heart in line, on focusing and seeking after my God, because I am a woman of great faith, and it's about time I started living like one.

Fake It Till You Make It

My heart's desire is that this blog would be a place of inspiration and insight, maybe on occasion even a little inciting, but recently it's been quiet, silent even, because I felt neither inspired, or inspiration and don't have much insight on anything. And inciting anything right now just seems like a really bad idea.

I'm struggling right now, feeling stuck and discouraged; frustrated and misunderstood. Life seems at an impasse.

Tonight I'm thinking about the old adage, "Fake it till you make it." Honestly it kind of came to me last night during Growth Group discussion at church. I saw the principle expressed in Colossians 3:12. From memory (a scripture memomry song) it says, "God's chosen people, clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." What? Where? How did I get "fake it till you make it" out of that? Two words, "clothe yourselves." Another version says "put on" and as I was reading it last night I found a little freedom and relief in the fact that it didn't say "be." It took a little pressure off. Because right now, I'm not feeling like I am many of these things, if any.

Now I am actually not a fan of anything even remotely "fake." I have no time and little tolerance for it. I don't go for empty flattery, or schmoozing, I don't want someone to come up to me and be nice to my face only to trash me behind my back. I like straight shooting, and try my best to usually be a straight shooter. But I digress. My point is starting to get lost, what I was trying to say was that this "clothing" oneself isn't about being fake, it's about action preceding attitude. Sometimes you have to do it first and wait for the feeling to follow.

Most of the time I am believer that we must watch our attitudes because they will influence our actions, but sometimes when our attitudes are struggling, or worse unruly, we can use our actions as a tool to curb our attitudes, to correct them. It takes diligence, and purposefulness, but it can be effective.

Sigh, I'm not actually sure where this all came from. When I started the this post this is not where my mind was, but as the writing has gone on this is where it's led. I'm not sure if it's a pep talk or a rebuke, but it's something to chew on a little longer.

Shameless Need for Reinforcement

I posted this back in October, and later the 2nd chapter as well. Since then I left it somewhat by the wayside and then almost had quite a mishap.

The hard drive of my laptop crashed, and all eight of the chapters I wrote went with it. Thankfully my little sister (in-law) saved them, as well as one of my best friends (and probably biggest cheerleader.) But the close call has me thinking that perhaps I should finally buckle down and get back to it. I'd like some more fresh feed back if anyone is so inclined. Be honest, in a kind way. If you're interested the 2nd chapter is here on the blog as well and can be found by clicking "book writing" under the topics on the right.

So let me know, is this a book you'd want to keep reading?

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Feedback Please - Be Gentle - Redux

Years ago I started writing a story. I wrote four chapters and then life got busy. I let a friend read it and she was unhappy with me at the time, so she kind of annihilated me with criticism. It was unfortunate, because if you're a writer, you know sharing your work is like putting your baby on display. It's hard to take criticism, and if it's given harshly, it can be down right painful. The book got put aside never to be picked up again.

Becoming a published writer would be a fulfillment of a dream for me. I really love to write and feel it's actually a gift from the Lord more than a talent. Back in April I felt inspired to start a new story. I'll be honest, it's been since August since I've done more than look at it, but I did get 8 chapters written this time, albeit short ones. I don't know, how do you write a book?

Anyway, I've been contemplating getting back to the task and have had mostly positive feedback from the few friends I have had read it, but for some reason today I am feeling really bold and ready to throw it out there for a larger consumption, but I'd like to actually hear back your thoughts. So, check it out, read chapter 1 and let me know what you think. But be gentle... it's my baby and all.

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Chapter 1

Jared was in a deep sleep on the couch as he heard the vibration on the coffee table. Rubbing his eyes he reached across and tried to make out the caller I.D. on Chelsea’s cell phone. Who in the world could be calling at this hour?

He flipped open the cell phone, “Hello?” He could hear noises in the background but no one answered. “Hello?” he said again the phone went dead on the other end.

He set the phone back down on the coffee table and uprighted himself on the couch. The clock on the VCR said 12:38. He’d dozed off a couple hours before while watching TV. Now the lights and TV were off. Chelsea must have headed to bed, he thought. Why does she just leave me out here?

He wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. Who in the world could be calling her phone at this hour? he wondered. Maybe it was just a wrong number. Although he hoped it was the case, something in his gut told him it wasn’t.

Chelsea had seemed more and more distant lately. He knew she was probably angry with him for falling asleep on the couch in front of the
TV again. He was just so exhausted. The new project at work was requiring so many late hours. It wasn’t just physically exhausting, his brain was tired. He actually hadn’t been sleeping very well at night. When he tried to go to bed his mind would just start reeling. The thoughts would keep him up till all hours of the night, falling asleep in front of the TV seemed to be his only reprieve from the constant battle with insomnia.

Now the brief benefit of the nap was spoiled by the sudden late night disruption. Now he was wide awake and it was a good five hours before he should be up to start his day.

Sigh.

He walked quietly down the hall and looked into the bedroom where Chelsea was sleeping. She had left the basket of clean, folded laundry just sitting on his side of the bed. He wondered if there wasn’t a message she was trying to send that even if he did manage to find his way back to their bed, maybe he wasn’t really wanted there anyway.

No sense in getting into bed, he’d probably just toss and turn, then neither of them would get any sleep. He pulled the door quietly shut behind him as he headed back into the hall.

He decided to peek in on the kids. First he looked into Erica’s room. His 5-year-old was sprawled out, all her covers kicked down into a pile at the foot of the bed. She looked pretty adorable. He pulled her blankets back up over her and quietly moved into Joshua’s room.

Josh was two and a half. He’d just moved into his “big boy bed” a couple weeks before. Unlike his big sister he was curled up tight into a ball with his blankets pulled all the way up under his chin. He thought to himself how much their sleeping positions mirrored their personalities. Erica was open and outgoing, free and relaxed, Josh was shy and quiet, often keeping to himself. Funny how you could see it even when they were sound asleep.

Jared continued down the hall when he noticed the light shining out from underneath Angie’s door. Quietly he tapped on the door, not sure if she was awake or had fallen asleep doing her homework.

“Yeah?” her voice whispered out, sounding a little surprised by the disruption.

As he opened the door he could see her sitting at her desk, working at the computer. “It’s really late kiddo, don’t you think you ought to get to bed?”

“I know Dad, I’m just finishing up with this assignment. Then I’ll get to bed.’

Angie, such a bright young girl, Jared couldn’t believe she was almost 17. She wasn’t his daughter biologically, she was Chelsea’s daughter from a relationship before they met. It didn’t matter though, he loved her as much as he did the two children he and Chelsea had together. Really, Jared was the only father Angie had ever known. In the 14 years Chelsea and Jared had been together Angie’s dad had breezed through their lives maybe six or seven times. Jared couldn’t understand how any father could be so casual in his relationship with his child. Actually, casual was too generous a word, irresponsible was more accurate. It was Tom’s loss though, Jared was honored to fill the void he left, and that’s why when he and Chelsea got married ten years ago, he made the promise to love and care for both his wife and her daughter, their daughter now.

“Whatcha workin’ on?” Jared asked, peeking over her shoulder at the computer screen.

Angie turned her chair toward him with a smile, “It’s a presentation for my speech class. We’re doing a series of debates in class on different topics in the news.”

“And your topic…?”

“I’m debating marriage.”

Jared chuckled, “Really? I didn’t even know there was any special guy in your life.”

“Oh Dad!” Angie laughed, “I’m not debating the prospect personally! I’m debating the ‘logic’ of marriage. A lot of people consider it to be an antiquated concept. A lot of people don’t consider it to be feasible these days. They say it’s too much to ask of a person to make a lifetime commitment to just one person. So one of us is debating against the institution of marriage and the other one of us is debating that marriage does still work and is still important.”

“Sounds interesting, and which opinion do you find yourself holding?”

Angie smiled, “Well actually the assignment requires us to both prepare for both sides of the debate. We have to be prepared to persuade either viewpoint, you know, all in the name of having an open mind. I won’t know which side I have to argue until moments before the actual debate, which isn’t until the end of the semester. It’s going to count as 40% of our final grade.”

“Really? I’m fascinated. So is everyone preparing for this same debate?”

“No, there are 26 of us in the class and there are four different topics. There’s my topic, a debate on keeping abortion ‘safe and legal’; a debate on euthanasia and the fourth topic is prayer in schools.”

“Wow, those are some pretty heavy subjects. Did you get to choose or were you assigned the topics?” Jared asked.

“No, it was all by drawing, we actually pulled our topics out of a coffee can. There are six of us for each topic, except euthanasia, there are eight people on that topic. We don’t even know who we’ll be debating yet, we may not even know until the actual day of the debate in like late May or June.”

Jared stood up, “Well honey, it’s only January and the semester has just started, your debate is a long way off, I think you can afford to put the topic aside for the night and get a good night’s rest.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “You need to get to bed.”

“OK Daddy, five more minutes, I promise. Tomorrow is ‘late start’ because the teachers have a meeting, so I’ll be OK.” She turned back towards her computer monitor as Jared slipped out of the room.

As he came back into the living room Jared saw Chelsea’s phone face light up in the dimly lit room. He picked it up and saw it said “Four text messages.” He looked over at the clock that now read 1:36. What in the world? He resisted temptation to read the messages and set the phone back down. Finally feeling tired enough to doze back off he grabbed a blanket out of the cupboard and made himself comfortable back on the couch. He grabbed his own cell phone setting its alarm clock for 5:30am. He laid back trying hard to dismiss the uneasy feeling he felt beginning deep down inside himself. A few minutes later he was back to sleep.

Afternoon Inspiration

This little ditty came to me this afternoon at the end of my lunch hour. It's very simple and sort of like a childhood song, but I think there is a truth behind it that makes it worth sharing. I hope it is found by you to be a blessing.

Count Your Blessings

Count your blessings five by five
And you'll be glad that you're alive.

Count your blessings four by four
And you'll recall what you adore.

Count your blessings three by three
And you'll acknowledge what you see.

Count your blessings two by two
And it will lift your heart for you.

But if you count them one by one
You will see when you are done,

That God is great and life is good,
And what truly matters is understood.

Your joy will rise, your heart will feel
Full of God's blessings, so true and real.

So count them all, it's time you can afford,
Let me start you, "You are loved by the Lord."

It's first on your list, so write it there,
And when you're done, pass it on and share.

© Diana DePriest
February 26, 2010

Emotional Ramblings

Emotions are a formidable adversary. I've been battling mine.

They don't have to be based on anything real. They are at the mercy of outside influences, everything from hormones to the attitude of a store clerk have a power to impact them... in a good way or a bad.

Have you ever experienced a random act of kindness from a stranger on a bad day, and suddenly, the day seems better. An emotional response to a compliment or someone taking the time to smile purposefully at you, and you feel better.

Likewise emotions can be brutally affected by a terse word, or a rude or inconsiderate act. One act, and emotions can hit a seemingly unbearable low.

As a rule, I am more a thinker than a feeler, and typically the "emotion" I battle most often is anger rather than sadness, but I have had struggles with depression in the past. Even when I struggled with it though, anger tended to be a more frequent manifestation than the blues.

The thing about my experience with depression is that it can come on suddenly, relentlessly even, when it does I wonder it's source. It's frustrating when it comes upon you suddenly - I wonder is it spiritual? Physiological? Do I have a hormonal imbalance? I am at that age, after all. Is it an attack? There is an enemy to our souls, and he does work in that way. Is it both? Honestly I don't know.

I do know I'm battling. I think it's been sneaking up on me for weeks. It's like standing on the coast, watching the waves come up and lap at the feet just to recede again. It slips back away, each time it returns, it pulls you a little deeper, rises a little higher. Then before you know it, you get slammed by a wave and knocked on your behind.

The waves haven't knocked me down, but they do feel about knee high at times, enough to make me feel a little off balance, but not enough to knock me down.

There is no giant wave to speak of in sight, more like lots of little things - work stress, financial struggles, looming questions without answers for the future, struggles... temptations... they lap at my foundation. Sigh.

I have never been sucked so deep into depression I couldn't get out of bed. I have had days where I didn't want to, days like today where I just wanted to pull under the covers and stay in bed all day long. But I don't. I want to, but I don't.

It makes me sad for people who do sink all the way into the ocean of depression. It makes me especially sad for people who sink, and don't know the Lord.

I can't imagine how someone could deal with something as heavy as depression without the Lord. Honestly, I don't know how anyone does anything without the Lord, much less something hard, like overwhelming emotions, or grief. How do they do it?

I guess that's why people call Christianity a crutch. Have you heard that joke about it actually being more like an iron lung? I get it. He's not my crutch, not something I lean on in tough times, He's my breath of life, the reason I get up in the morning.

So the waves lap at my feet, but I don't worry about drowning in them, because I know God won't give me up to them.

But there is still a battle. They still rise and fall and they can still be relentless. So I try to remember that my emotions are not what is real. And I try to focus on Who and what is. It's like reaching out for an anchor that will keep me on the shore. Not on sand, but on a solid rock, the Solid Rock. It's not an easy grip to hold, but thankfully, I don't have to hold it on my own.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
John 14:27

That's My King!

DO YOU KNOW HIM???