Seeking Him - Dedicated to the Girls

Well, it's been more than a week since our bloggy bible study came to an end. Last week I mentioned doing a final wrap up and so that's what I'm hitting on today. I'm still doing the study with a group "in real life," and I'm glad because I believe I am still on the journey to revival.

It's been interesting "double doing" the study because it seems as I have revisited each chapter the Lord has taken the opportunity to take it a little deeper, scrub a little harder or impart more wisdom; it's on a case to case basis.

In the beginning of the study there was a quote in the book that really spoke to me. It says, "Revival awakens in our hearts an increased awareness of the presence of God, a new love for God, a new hatred for sin, and a hunger for His word." (Del Fehsenfeld Jr.) I have maintained all along that this quote is an excellent litmus test for the state of revival in our hearts. Based on this evaluation, I do know that my heart is being stirred as all of things are becoming deeper truths in my life.

I also think of our first memory verse (which I confess I don't have fully committed to memory) from Hosea 10:12 which says, "Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord, till He comes and reigns righteousness on you." I think the "till" is key. As wonderful as it is to have a 12 week study, God works at His own pace, and with each of us individually - and I thinlk that is the beauty of this study, we can go back to it, again and again... and again. It has been such a blessing, it's had to express.

And yet today I heard something beautiful that really did express much of what I wish I could say for myself about this study and what it's meant to me. So I close my wrap up with a dedication to all my Seeking Him girls - the bloggy study friends, the IRL study girls and to all my loved ones and friends seeking the Lord til...



God bless you all!

Adrift

I'm tired.... emotionally weary might be a better description. I almost hesitate to type that out, because I know there are lots and LOTS of people with far more on their plates than I have, but it doesn't change the way I feel. That's the interesting thing about emotional weariness, it's highly subjective. I mean even for the individual, how one is effected by some challenge or crisis can vary from day to day... dare I say moment to moment.

Lately I feel like I'm floating adrift out in the ocean too tired to swim to shore. It's not even a single huge challenge, it's just a constant building of assorted challenges in assorted sizes and colors... ha ha. Forgive me for stupid humor, it comes with being emotionally tired. But it just feels like with each new challenge I am wandering further and further from the shore.

You know when you feel like this, everyone has an opinion about it. Sometimes you'll have those who throw a scripture at you like it's a life preserver. Sometimes those people actually stand there and hold the rope on the other end helping you into a place where you can rest; but more often they throw you the rope too, and then look at you in wonder when you just barely float and don't find your way into the lifeboat.

Other times you'll get the impatient response, they stand there looking out over you with their hands on their hips, shaking their heads. They make you feel small. Whether their judgment is because you were foolish enough to get yourself out that far in the water or judging you too weak to swim to shore, it's a miserable feeling. These are the conversations where people will question your focus, or maybe your faith. But the fact of the matter is, even when your focus and your faith are good, you can still get tired, and you can still get overwhelmed and even swept away by the "stuff" that is life. But you know what? I think we're the only ones who make those kinds of judgments on each other. I don't think the Lord has His hands on His hips at all in those moments. In fact, if I was going to guess what He might say, I think it might be something like, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." That's just what I think, mind you.

Sometimes people just blaze past you in their cool motorboat, laughing and joking with their friends on the deck. If they even notice you, they look at your from their own narrow world view and maybe raise a hello or a woot and continue on their journey, not offering much notice, much less any compassion or help. Actually being down here in the water myself right now, I wonder how often I'm guilty of that, blazing past the struggling and the hurting. Probably way more often than I would even care to know about. Funny how being the one in the water makes you think more about being the one on the boats or on the shore.

Something else interesting happens when you find yourself off and emotionally adrift for a while... wait... first I need to clarify this whole post by being extremely pointed in saying emotionally adrift. I am not talking about being spiritually adrift at all. My faith is strong, my trust is in the Lord, I know Who holds the ocean, but it doesn't change the fact that swimming in it for long periods of time can wear you down. And (back to where I started) another thing that happens when you are in the water for a long time is that your skin gets tender, sensitive.

My emotional skin is raw. Maybe my skin started out too sensitive in the first place, but that does nothing to change the fact that it is very tender, and that's not a fun place to be. And if you don't recognize it for what it is, it can even be a dangerous place to be. By the time service started yesterday morning at church I had gotten my feelings hurt no less than three times, if not more. It made entering into worship almost impossible. No, it was impossible. I was so overwhelmed that it took all I had not to burst into tears. I finally sat down with my head in my hands battling to take all my thoughts captive as they tried to hurl accusations at all kinds of people around me. By the time I left my mind was reeling, I wanted to quit ministry, quit relationship, quit the church. I just wanted to give up, but if I did, I'd just drown in the emotions overwhelming me, and that would surely not be good. Later my husband asked me how worship was (he was playing drums) and I couldn't even answer him, I didn't know.

As I write this I wonder how many people are judging me even now... drama queen... cry baby... You might be asking, "is she reading the Word?" The answer is "Yes, daily." So then you might ask, "Well, what about her prayer life?" I am in constant prayer, I fall asleep praying, I wake up praying, and all day long I am crying out, conversing, interceding.... My prayer life may well be the strongest it's ever been... I am faithful in church, consistent in fellowship, I read the word, declare the word, claim the word.... and still, I am tired.

I've been thinking of the old song, "The Warrior is a Child" by Twila Paris, have you heard it? Part of the lyrics go like this...

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.

Maybe it doesn't fit, maybe no one sees me as a Warrior, but I do feel like I've been fighting battles, and I do feel wounded. And yet still I know my faith is strong.

There's a saying I have heard that says something like, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is facing some kind of battle." Perhaps if nothing else, that is a lesson I will learn through this season adrift. It's a painful lesson to learn, but if I learn it, perhaps it will make me a little more like Jesus to those around me... and if nothing else, at least I know the Lord has remained near and He is at least tender in the places where I am raw, and He is patient with me in my weariness. At least there's that. And there are those who have been extensions of the Lord too, don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the friends who have not lost patience, and are still lovingly holding to the other end of the rope, patiently pulling me to a resting place, or at least standing by as I swim, making sure I don't sink, because adrift is surely better than sunk.

Truth with a Capital "T"

I expressed in my last post my struggles to find the way to keep my time in the Word fresh and relational rather than routine, all the while longing for consistency. My prayer life also always seems to fall short of my aspirations. As much as I know I can always do better, I also know that despite my many shortcomings, the Lord is always in the forefront of my mind and every area of my life is filtered through my relationship with Him. He is my center and my source of strength.

I struggle sometimes because I do not consider myself an intercessor despite the fact that I get labeled that often. I struggle to remember all the prayer requests, I try my best to pray when I am asked and immediately if it comes to my memory, but I am not the "prayer warrior" who finds herself alone in her prayer closet interceding on behalf of others the way others I know are. I want to be, but I'm not. On the other hand, I do find myself in constant conversation with God. When I wake up I talk to Him, lately it's been asking Him to give me strength to face the day. Yesterday I didn't even want to get out of bed, I really just His hand to help me rise and face what waited.

When I am frightened, or frustrated I almost always begin to pray, most often in the Spirit because I don't know exactly what is needed or even how to pray. If I am overwhelmed with anxiety or a physical response to the stress I just pray quietly under my breath. The Bible describes it as the Spirit making utterances on our behalf.. I fall back on the often. Sometimes when I hit a proverbial "speed bump" in the road I will cry out loud, "Lord, PLEASE!" and even though it's all I can muster, I know He hears me and is listening. He is patient with my frustrations built out of my own weaknesses.

Reading the word too has been a challenge, not knowing where to begin, what or how to study, I have taken to just asking, "where today Lord?" and listening quietly for the still small voice. Yesterday in the shower he gave me two different passages, an old testament and a new, as I read them they went perfectly together, both speaking the same truth, "Act righteously." So I receive the word, and do my best to follow it. Last night I got out the Bible to read with Neal and the kids so we could have family prayer time. It used to be a regular habit, it's been a seasonal habit off and on for as long as I can recall. When life is hectic we settle for me praying with Victoria as I tuck her in, Neal with Ethan as he does the same, and Jake (the teenager) being left to himself. In good times it's easy to slip on the priorities. But as I am feeling the desperation for the Lord myself, I want to feed my family too, so last night we prayed, me exhorting them not to run through the routine prayer, but each of us choosing someone outside the family to pray for too, and beforehand we opened the word. It was August 5, 8/5, so I opened Psalm 85 (it's how my mind works) we chewed on the Word together, and it was a good thing. The Lord speaks to His people.

Despite all that, I woke up with anxiety again this morning. More thoughts tried to be heavy upon me. As I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth (maybe I should write a book titled Things God Said in the Bathroom) I was declaring Truth, speaking words of life, and the Lord brought to my remembrance Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Plans to "prosper... That is Truth - don't miss the capital "T."

When I asked the Lord what to read this morning, I heard Psalm 73. I read it in the Bible in the bedroom and it touched me, but I was still unsure. When I went and looked it up in the translation I am most familiar with, it boosted my heart... verses 23-27...

Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

This is a special passage of scripture to me. There is a song that is very similar that during one of the darkest and most difficult times for our family was a lifeline to sustain us. The song sings,

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Words of truth to sustain us. By the time I got to work, conversations and circumstances were enough to bring the anxiety on again. When Neal came upstairs on his break I shared everything with him, and again my faith began to rise...

My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...

It's not glib, it isn't tripe, it is Truth, with a capital "T"!

My God is near, my God is here, my God can be trusted.

One of "my things" with the Lord (we all have them) is to hit the shuffle on my MP3 player and ask God to speak to me through one of the 924 Christian/ worship songs I have there. With 924 songs, obviously there are many I don't know well, but today the one that began to play was one I have no memory of ever having heard before. I prayed it, "Lord, speak to me... This is the song that came up, and ministered such hope and peace to my soul, so I wanted to share it with you as well...



Truth, with a capital "T"

Seeking Him - Foundations

Sniff.... snurple, ::sigh::, sniff... (wiping nose with back of hand...) I can't believe we're here at the end of our Seeking Him Together journey. It has been an incredible 12 weeks, and I honestly cannot believe how quickly it's gone by. Honestly, it's just so very sad, and I hate to see it end, but our hostess Amber has made it known we get to write one final "wrap up" post next week, so I will suck it up and just get through today's discussion questions as quickly as I can.

Honestly after weeks of deep thought, digging in to both the word and self, at times filleting our hearts, motives, habits, words, attitudes and more, the final chapter has truly come about in a surprisingly, very simple and practical way. We've been asked to look at our devotional habits and the process of being in the Word. So let's hit the questions.

1.Why is daily prayer and scripture reading important? I would not travel on a far journey or attempt a great feat without a map or/ and a plan. Honestly even going to the grocery store is a smoother process when I plan and make out a list of what I need. When I find myself wandering in the grocery store lst and hungry I make poor choices and getting out of all the good lines like budgets and recipes. If something so simple as that goes more smoothly, how much more important is it to have a course set and a plan made, with clear guidelines than this great big beautiful experience we call life.

When I find myself wandering, "lost and hungry" through life it is undoubtedly because I have wandered off of the course I need to follow. The map and plan are found in God's word. Unlike the grocery store where I know where I am going and what exactly I will find, however, the adventure of life is more like a great treasure hunt. I don't know what lies ahead by any stretch of the imagination, I do not know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future. Since I know that, the best possible plan for me is to follow the treasure map He has given me and be in the Word constantly. If I do not study the Map and the Plan, it is impossible for me to know the right way to proceed.


2.What is your current routine? Can you hear my conviction about the importance of the Word of God in my answer to question #1? Because I really think I believe it, but (funny God) my pastor made a comment on Sunday that gives me pause. He said (paraphrase) our actions indicate our beliefs. And my current (recent) routine doesn't indicate my conviction about God's Word at all, because it has pretty much stunk. Seeking Him has of course been a big help, it's been a more consistent direction for me. I have had seasons where I followed a steady course in my devotional time, but the problem always becomes for me that it gets very routine and I get caught up in the checking it off my "to do" list rather than really seeking God. A couple of years ago during a long successful season of rising daily before the kids to spend time in God's word I stood in a worship service at a women's retreat and heard the Lord whisper to me "I don't want to be a habit." Ouch. And I by no means am saying that is the case for all, but it was the case for me, so I struggle to find a way to be consistently in the Word, without being routine. BUT I cannot use "routine" as an excuse to be neglectful.


3.How will your current routine be changed (if at all) after studying this chapter? Hmmm.... this is a tough one. I have to find that balance of consistency and freshness. One thing I know to be true is that in hard and stressful times, the draw to the Word becomes greater. It's like being so hungry and lost, you can't find the grocery store, your wallet or the keys to your car (and there might even be a few evil ninjas laying in wait between your front door and the check out line). In that moment you will tear the house apart to find the map and the list to get to where you know you need to be,and you'll head off to the store carrying a really big sword. Well, in a lot of ways, I am really feeling like I am in that place. There is so much going on I can barely differentiate between my upside and my backside, and I am feeling so very needy! And not the kind of needy where I was to be coddled or stroked with junk food, I want some good solid meat that will nourish me to the bone. (Please forgive the mixed metaphors.) So I don't want anyone else feeding me at their table or dropping a few scraps by, I want to dig deep and feed my own soul, so I desperately study the map, pour over the plans and find myself Seeking Him with everything I am.

Even before we got to this chapter the Lord was weighing heavy on my heart about being in His word daily. I do not know what the exact plan for that is. I do know I have 5 more weeks in the study with my IRL group, so that will help, but all the more I long to find the freshness of a good and godly habit that is not a check off my list of "to do's." And like I wouldn't go a day without feeding my body, I am determined not to go a day without feeding my spirit, which is of far greater value.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.
I have sworn and confirmed
That I will keep Your righteous judgments.
I am afflicted very much;
Revive me, O LORD, according to Your word.
Accept, I pray, the freewill offerings of my mouth, O LORD,
And teach me Your judgments.
My life is continually in my hand,
Yet I do not forget Your law.
The wicked have laid a snare for me,
Yet I have not strayed from Your precepts.
Your testimonies I have taken as a heritage forever,
For they are the rejoicing of my heart.
I have inclined my heart to perform Your statutes
Forever, to the very end.
Psalm 119:105-112

Seeking Him - FAT Christians

My work through Chapter 11 has not been focused or purposeful. It's sort of sad to admit considering we had two weeks to go through it, but things have been very hectic around here. I will confess that because I know I will be revisiting this chapter in a few weeks with my Seeking Him IRL study group, some of the urgency has subsided. And there is also, I think, a part of me that is resisting the end of our study time together. I have enjoyed it immensely, making new bloggy friends and being so very blessed by this incredible study. I don't want it to end. But if I don't put my two cents in about week 11 soon, week 12 will soon have passed. Sniff.

The Holy Spirit... He is quite the controversial fellow. I come from a charismatic church, Foursquare to be specific. And we believe not only in the gift of the Holy Spirit, but the fullness of His indwelling, being "filled," and all that includes, like the manifestation of His presence and guidance through the gifts. As I type this, I feel myself treading on touchy ground.

This past weekend my husband and I had the pleasure of crashing our son's youth camp. The speaker for the camp used to be an associate pastor at our church and played a huge role in my and Neal's growth in Christ. When we found out he was coming to camp, we got permission to come up for a night. It was awesome.

The openness and expectation for the Holy Spirit to manifest Himself was strong, as is often the case at camps and retreats. People come in expectation with hearts open wide waiting upon the Lord to speak, to minister, to use and guide. As we sat in the back of the room for Saturday night's service, Neal found his way over near Jake and I wandered off by myself standing at the back of the room watching over the young people.

During worship before Pastor Nick came up to speak you could sense the eagerness and passion of our young people. As I looked over them, praying, praying in the Spirit I felt like I could hear the Lord speaking to me. These precious young people, they are lights in a dark world. They hold the cups of water in the desert. They are the hope of the next generation. When one of the leaders came up to introduce Nick he began to speak, and all the words I heard in my heart during worship he began to speak to them. Coincidence? Or was the Holy Spirit speaking?

Pastor Nick was anointed as he spoke. His passion and fervor are ever evident and this night was no different. He spoke on the Holy Spirit, about the spiritual gifts, about the instruction in the word to long for these gifts, especially prophecy, it's what the Word says. For it is through these gifts, prophecy most of all that the Lord enables us to build up the body, to encourage one another in the faith.

As Nick spoke I could sense such a heaviness over the kids, like there was a barrier preventing them from receiving the fullness of the Words being shared. In my spirit it was as though I could sense the proverbial "black cloud," so I began to pray again. I went to Neal and leaders I knew and encouraged them to pray with me to break it off of them. Slowly it began to disappear. One of the leaders had been outside and when she came in I saw her husband whispering to her. She looked over at me and nodded. She walked over and quietly assured me she had the same sense about the "heaviness" during worship and had been praying for God to break it. Coincidence? Or was the Holy Spirit speaking?

The night ended in incredible ministry. People were praying over one another, receiving new spiritual gifts, stepping out in faith, encouraging one another. It was an incredible sight to see, and an even more incredible time to participate in. The Holy Spirit was moving mightily. It was much like the accounts given in the book of Acts. Events and gifts that some say no longer occur, but I disagree. The Holy Spirit still speaks, still guides, counsels and leads. There is a "fullness" still available if only we are open, expectant. The gifts are still for today. Pastor Nick's exhortation was to be a "FAT" Christian. FAT - Faithful, Available, Teachable.

That's something that happens a lot at places like camps and retreats. People come, faithfully. They set aside their plans and schedules and make themselves completely available to hear from the Lord. And they come wanting to hear from Him, completely teachable. And in those places and at those times, the Lord always "shows up." Or so the rumor goes.

I say rumor because although the "fullness" of the Holy Spirit may manifest Himself in those times and places, the fact of the matter is, He is always with us. It's not a matter of His attendance, it's a matter of our receptiveness, our expectation and openness.

What a wonderful time we had up on that mountain top. It made me long for the days of our full time ministry to youth, but much of that season has passed, we are parents of youth and are to minister through that capacity in this season. We had the joy and privilege to pray and minister, and to allow the Spirit of God to flow through us, and it was incredible. I long to always be that aware of the Holy Spirit's presence, but alas I am not. Actually, I don't think it's awareness that is the issue, so much as the openness, birthed out of the inability or unwillingness to abide in the Lord.

Fast-forward to mid-week "down the mountain." There was some high stress around here as we tried to prep the house for an appraisal on Wednesday in order to refinance because of cumbersome financial issues and precarious situations regarding our employment situation. As the kids and I tried to get the house clean and ready I was overwhelmingly stressed on what I could see, a messy house with serious concrete (literally) issues in the front yard and a bleak financial situation. Oh the banshee who was driving my children around like slaves! Saying and doing things I am actually far too embarrassed to repeat here and spent several days since apologizing for. Week 11 on the revival study (really a 12th week), and the shrew lives. Disheartening.

What breaks my heart most of all is the moment I know that came and went, completely disregarded. I heard Him as my flesh was raging, my mouth was running, my brashness wounding. I heard the quickening in my spirit to stop, regroup, silence myself. I ignored it. It was the one time in my life being "FAT" was a good thing, and I was completely emaciated. I didn't allow myself a Holy Spirit pound to stand on, sadly by choice.

By choice? Yes, by choice. I know this because as the week has progressed, circumstantial things have not gotten any better. Honestly, they've gotten worse. This morning when I got some news, my inclination was to be overwhelmed by fear and that always leads to a fleshly response. The difference was that this time, when I heard the voice, felt the quickening, I stopped, and allowed the Holy Spirit to be my Counselor, my Comforter. He drew me back, reminded me of truth, and I didn't even have to climb a hill, much less journey to a mountain top to hear Him and respond.

In each of these situations the Holy Spirit was the same, ready, willing, dare I say longing, to fulfill His purpose in me. The difference is always, always me, my openness and expectation, and my willingness to respond. It was better that He depart, Jesus said, so the Counselor could come. So that the Spirit of God could live inside us, work through us, fulfill His purpose in us, to REVIVE our hearts.

There is a song that I hold in my heart as a prayer for the Holy Spirit and I will close with it that it may be my prayer for us all. Blessings.....

Spirit of the living God,
Fall afresh on me.
Spirit of the living God,
Fall afresh on me.
Break me, melt me,
Mould me, fill me,
Spirit of the living God,
Fall afresh on me.

Spirit of the living God,
Move among us all.
Make us one in heart in mind,
Make us one in love.
Humble, caring, selfless,sharing,
Spirit of the living God,
Fill our lives with love.

The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen.
2 Corinthians 13:14

This week's hostess is Amber at His Girl's Blog.

My Anchor

The waters of circumstance rise and I lose my footing.
They toss me to and fro and I struggle to find my feet.
I’ve lost strength in me and myself,
And it’s in that moment again we meet.

“I am the God of this ocean, “ You remind me,
“I am the God of the waves.
I am the Hope of your future,
I am sovereign over all of your days.”

I remember again, You are the “I AM,”
Nothing is too hard for You.
You are for me and with me,
And nothing can hinder Your love, so true.

Circumstances will not hold me,
Trials will not control me with fear,
For my anchor is You, Your truth,
And Your truth sustains me here.

I will speak words of hope,
Because the words are true.
I will speak words of faith,
Because my faith is in You.

My Truth: I am chosen, set apart,
My hurts and fears are understood.
Your Promise: You’ll never fail me,
Your plans for me are good.

To the cross I come again,
And remember all You’ve done.
What would you ever withhold,
When You’ve given me Your Son?

Remembering my spirit renews,
The wave of faith begins to rise again.
I remember You are not afar off,
You are with me, my faithful Friend.

The wave lifts me above the challenges,
Victory over circumstance is found.
I will not tumble down and be broken,
I will be brought to solid ground.

You are my firm foundation
You satisfy my soul.
You are the Anchor in the storms,
My future You safely hold.

So I will praise you,
Whatever circumstance I see.
And I will hold to You in faith,
Because Your promises I believe.

Your Word is my light,
All of Your promises are true.
You are my faithful Friend,
And I will rest in You.

Diana DePriest
©July 30, 2009