Denial

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."Luke 9:23

My pastor shared a really great message today. Well, I use the word "great" to encapsulate "convicting, thought provoking, wisdom imparting, challenging, clear and direct." So please know that's what I mean when I say "great" as I now go on to tell you the painful truths I have been evaluating in my mind since about noon today.

The message had a lot of meat to it. He spoke for 45 minutes or so, but he probably could have given a three day seminar on the truths that he shared. I'm not going to recap the whole message (although if you want to listen to it for yourself you can find it here. If it's not up yet, it will be soon, and there are several good sermons from the series he's been doing, Living in an Upside Down World.)

The scripture above is at the crux of what has been sticking with me today, the concept of denying myself. It's a requirement. It isn't a suggestion or a optional plan of action - read the verse again, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself..." It's non-negotiable.

So here's the thoughts I've been chewing on. I have two specific battles in my life right now that I feel like I am not only struggling through but actually most days I feel like losing. #1 is our finances. We are hurting. What comes in isn't covering what goes out. And the fact of the matter is, we probably don't say "no" to things the way we should. We live in the OC, and there is a lifestyle that is common around here... we don't live like a lot of people in our neck of the woods do, but we have built a habit of living beyond our means. It isn't completely our fault, our struggles started with massive medical bills and things like car troubles and the like, but once we had debt, it was easy to continue onto the path of credit card use and the like, and before you know it you're paying 12% interest annually on a meal I don't remember or a birthday gift for a boy in a class who won't even remember the lego set we bought him buried beneath 24 other lego sets from 24 other kids in the class.

It's too hard to be the mom that says no to birthday parties or dinners out on date nights, so instead of stamping the request the way I should...

...we foolishly make concessions and dig a deeper hole. Did you know it's really hard to fill a hole from the bottom of it? It is on the other hand the perfect place to be to dig it deeper. It's also a rather precarious place to try and remain, for fear the walls may come down in on you.

Grrr... it's a tough thing to admit, and it's a hard place to be. We need the Lord to help us. I'm praying in grace and mercy He will, but along the way, we will have to choose to stamp that denial stamp on choices we have to make. We may have to learn to say "no" more often.

Sigh. So on to problem #2, my weight. It's completely out of control. And before I get a rush of encouraging comments, and emails with the perfect diet plan, hear me, this is a spiritual issue, not a physical one. The irony is not lost on me that the Lord was speaking this to me as I was in the middle of a huge buffet style restaurant. I don't know how to tell myself "no."

I can take the weight off. A couple of years ago I lost nearly 70 lbs. I looked good, I felt great, and then I put the weight back on, refusing to deny myself any longer. I refused to deny myself the right to eat emotionally. I refused to deny myself the right to eat poorly. And now I am paying the price. I am paying the price as I look at the scale and realize I weigh more than I ever have in my life - ever, as in even more than I did at nine months pregnant, either time. The elastic in my clothing has become so tight, and I'm heavy enough that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, literally, physically uncomfortable.

This is often how I start and end my days. I wake up determined, I am going to eat better, less fat, less sugar, more fruits and veggies. I play with the ideas, all protein, all organic - always some new plot or plan. And at the end of the day, who am I kidding, often by breakfast, I have failed. Stumble once and I never even try to get back on the right path, and the stamp on the end of the day looks like this. And the road to the fat farm is paved with good intentions.

But as I look at both of these battles, the sin at the root is an inability to just say "no" to self.

"No, self, you cannot afford to go there, do that, buy that, eat there....."

"No, self, you shouldn't eat that now, for dinner, dessert... at all!

I realize that the verse is also referring to far greater things. There is a much bigger and more profound picture than my spending and eating habits, but it still applies in just as profound a way because to be trusted to be faithful in the big things, you have to be faithful in the little things first. (Luke 16:10)

Stewardship, that's a tough word. It isn't just about finances, but about all the Lord has blessed us with our time, resources, talents, spiritual gifts, our bodies...

The truth of the matter is, I have gained this revelation and am not sure I am any better for it. Even as I sit here and type I am contemplating a glass of milk and chocolate - even though I'm not even hungry. Do I want to say no to self? I don't actually, and I'm not even sure I can say no. But I'm also not sure I can not.

I do know I want to live through this revelation, I'm pretty sure it's going to be there haunting at my conscience if I choose not to deny myself. Sigh.

But if I want to follow Him, especially in these specific areas, I will have to learn to choose to deny self. It's the only way I can follow Him. And if I cannot do it in the little things, will I ever learn to do it when it matters?

What about you? Do you have areas in your life where by choosing to say "yes" to self you are saying "no" to the Lord? Hmmm... that's a harder way to look at it, and perhaps the place where the strength will be found.

Instead of seeing it as "Yes, I want the cookie and will allow myself to have it..."

What if I say "No, Jesus, I will not let You be Lord over my body..."

"My finances..."

"My time..."

"My resources..."

"My mind...."

"My life..."


"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?
I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice."Luke 6:46-47

Help me Lord, to follow You...