Monday, May 18, 2009

Seeking Him Together - Hu-u-um-ble Myself

A day ahead again because Monday night gymnastics seem like a good time to focus and get to blogging this out. So here we go.

You know how the old saying goes? "Easier said than done..." It could not be more apropos this week, and let me just say, as reflected in the title, it's not even easily said.

What a week it's been. Even getting through the week was exceptionally challenging, though I can't even tell you specifically why. It was just tough, and (confession time here) I did the end of day 2 through day 5 all today. It just didn't come together like I'd planned. Of course if I am honest, unlike last week when I would have liked to drag through day 5 for days on end, this week's day 5 was like removing a bandage, and I am a "rip it off quick" kind of girl. I didn't, but I really would have liked to. Instead I'll be flinching next time I hear my husband counting off with his drumsticks, "5, 6, 7..." it may inflict some pain.

So Reader's Digest version of what I learned this week about humility (I know, it's already too late) - I don't have any. OK, it's not quite as bad as all that, but I am absolutely certain that I have lots, L-O-T-S of room to grow. I am also horribly haunted by where my pride issues are most powerfully displayed.

I'm too prideful to tell you.

No, not really, but the Lord was already working this in my heart a couple weeks ago before I even knew a study on humility was in my future. It has to do with my impatience for... everything. I have issues.

More specifically it's my, "don't you know I have a schedule... plan... agenda... that you are interfering with by inflicting your... slow moving,... bad driving... crying baby... non-mind-reading... ways." I mean, can't you... anticipate that your comment... facial expression... attitude... or silence... was going to be the wrong choice... (in my NOT so humble opinion.) by delaying me... distracting me... disturbing me... Don't you know that I have somewhere to be and your slow driving is making me late? Didn't you know I meant to do the whole list of chores needing to be done when I listed just two? Don't you know I am trying to blog about my humility lesson and your crying baby is distracting me? Yeah, I told you - I-S-S-U-E-S. (Oh and by the way, we were studying being a servant-hearted person at church this week.)

A couple months ago I actually did a blog on Humility and on the fact that humility is easily recognized, but also how clear it is when it is lacking. This week I was ever aware of all that was lacking. So before I leak out another drop of my issues, let's move on to this week's discussion questions.

1. How are worry & anxiety expressions of pride rather than humility? My first thought when I read this question was, "what did I ever do to Amber?" Seriously though, this has actually been a big issue for me this week. Worry is not a typical ongoing trouble for me, but when I do go there it's like I open up a floodgate, and this week I went there. I actually had quite the spiritual battle over it Wednesday last. Our finances are a mess. Years of medical emergencies, and complications and such really built up our debt. Trying to keep two cars that are nearly a decade old running also has not helped. And I'll be honest, once you start using the credit cards for the unavoidable, it makes them fair game for the avoidable, dare I say even the unnecessary. And the house we own that 2 years ago had $240,000 worth of equity is now in the negative, and the big house payment a burden with all increases in the cost of living in So Cal. See there I go, I was doing exactly this last week, putting more emphasis on my problem than my God. One might call that a tad bit prideful. I battled through it and this Poem/Post was born out of it. It helped, but then this weekend things got more complicated again, and I picked that sucker right back up - as if I could do something that the Lord has inadvertently failed to do. PRIDE. Who am I to think I have a problem He cannot solve? Or worse, who am I to assume all my problems should be resolved as though they were part of a 30 minute sitcom. Sure I know my life is more like an epic dramady.

2. How did God speak to you as you went through the list of "proud vs humble" people? How did the Lord speak to me? Hmmm, I don't suppose "loudly" is the answer you are looking for. There were several items that were quick to circle (hence the nightmares of 5, 6, 7... not that those were the only ones - I wish.) There were only a couple that I could with a swipe of my brow let out a sigh of relief, only a very few. Though, if I tell you I'm "there" even for a couple, doesn't that counter the humility as it is? No, I think part of humility is knowing your strengths as well as your weaknesses, and of course recognizing they are only my strengths because God made them so. For the majority of the assessments I found myself falling somewhere between the Proud and the Humble, at various stages on the scale, but on every one of them I found room for improvement to reach that (any) state of humility.

3. If you feel comfortable, share one expression of pride you have been convicted of in this past week. I think I have already covered this one pretty well in the post.

All I can think is how grateful I am for the fact that God is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me, and I will do my best to learn and grow, recognizing so many areas that need work. It is at least a step in the right direction to have the quickening in my spirit, that when my impatience or harshness, or irritability erupts, that it is rooted in my pride. One battle at a time I will have to pray for the Lord to root it out of me, and together we can continue to "work out my salvation with fear and trembling." And I can be grateful for a gracious God who doesn't have the same impatience with me that I so often exhibit with others.

5 comments:

His Girl said...

I am SO enjoying your perspective, DianA! So refreshing and real...

this especially touched me:
as if I could do something that the Lord has inadvertently failed to do. PRIDE. Who am I to think I have a problem He cannot solve? Or worse, who am I to assume all my problems should be resolved as though they were part of a 30 minute sitcomso glad you're part of the discussion! be sure to link up on tomorrow's post!

Brandy said...

me too what Amber said. So many of those things are in my heart too, I'm certainly not so good at expressing them. Glad to be in this study with you.

Melissa @ Breath of Life said...

Ditto to what Amber said. The pride, it's an ugly thing!

Finances seems to be my particularly painful area of struggle, too. I wanna just FIX it already & be done. But no...it's like He's got a lesson or something for me!

Leah in Iowa said...

My excitement was waning last week, and I struggled through the material in two sittings. I wanted to go deeper, and especially check out those portions of Scripture from the first day. I can still do that this week I guess.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, DianA. =)

care-in said...

I love your writing...thanks for sharing and being so transparent.