Friday, May 15, 2009

Be Kind Rewind

This morning was one of those mornings, you know the ones I mean, the ones where you'd like to stop and be able to push a rewind button and find yourself with a nice friendly "do over." Or maybe you don't know what I mean, because unlike me you do not have the personality type equivalent to a pull cord toy. Pull cord toy? You know, if you're old enough, you pulled the little white plastic cord out of the back of the toy, car, top, etc and it went off and spinning spasmodically running into or over everything in it's path. Well, even if you don't remember it, I'm pretty sure the description carries through. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

And actually having a morning such as this was really disheartening after such a great day yesterday. I was so focused and abiding in God's presence, it was palpable. Yesterday morning was so blessed, it wasn't necessarily running any better, but my attitude was. (If only that was something you could always control... oh, wait.) Yesterday morning I was joking with the little kids speaking to them in Seussical rhymes and laughing with them. We prayed in the car on the way to school (which we did today too as every day, but yesterday was better) I was singing praise songs as I walked into the school with the little kids. I know I was because later someone told me I was. I was actually singing all day long yesterday, it was an overflow of the Holy Spirit and the joy of the Lord, leaking out most of the day. We even got through homework peaceably - that's like a near miracle. I'll confess things were petering out by bedtime, but all in all, yesterday was a good day. The Kingdom math was working, I was abiding in Him, and He was abiding me, and the fruit was good.

Ahh but today was a new day, and not in that "joy in the morning" "new mercy" kind of way, it was just plain old different. My problem could probably actually be traced back to last night. I stayed up til 1 am - huge mistake. So this morning I dragged my sorry self out of bed barely able to open my eyes to get to the sink to wash my face hopes in bringing a little revitalization. Yesterday morning I got out of bed and physically got on my knees to give the Lord my day. I prayed and asked Him for the strength I needed. This morning I sort of mumbled to him in my half conscious state and once my face was washed I hit the ground stumbling (sooo not running) and moved at my awkward pace a good 5 minutes behind.

I got on the computer and tried to throw together our DePriest Days Flashback Friday meme and it wasn't exactly going smoothly. I was also updating our accounts on Quicken, the least pleasant part of my morning routine. I got my daily phone call from the hubby and we prayed together and then I got the little kids out of bed. Correction, I had Jacob get the little kids out of bed. Jake got them breakfast (his least favorite part of his daily routine) and headed out the door. I was still battling with my Flashback Friday post when the phone rang. Jake always calls to let me know he's made it to school, but this wasn't that phone call unless he had new bionic legs installed while I was asleep last night. No, wasn't that call at all. It was a call I've had before however, it was the call to say, "Hey mom, my chain broke again." Did I mention I was still in my pajamas at this point?

So I grabbed some jeans and the closest t-shirt, frantically searched for my keys (yes Neal, I really should find a place to put the, every day... I really should...) and yelled directions at my 7 and 8 year-olds who I would now be leaving home alone to "finish getting dressed, throw some lunches together (my other job I was a little behind on) and don't touch each other!" So I call Jake who is on the wrong corner, I tell him to switch corners, which when he is my sight, he clearly has not done. So I get in the lane for the corner he is in, and he crosses to the other corner before I get there. Sigh. I drive in this beautiful big circle and finally drive past him so we won't get killed on the side of the road (reading my mind would be an excellent talent for my children to have.) I get out of the car and we proceed with the battle of getting his bike in the back of my mini van. I drive two blocks and tell him to walk fast because if I drive into the craziness that is the drop off zone, Ethan and Victoria may be old enough drive themselves to school by the time get back to them - if no one has killed anyone that is. As always, my poor "practice kid" Jake gets the worst of my reactions and I just can say a whole lot more about that than I am so grateful for what a gracious and forgiving kid God gave me in Jacob.

So, I get home, put Jake's bike in the garage and Victoria is doing her best to be a little me (without the pull cord nuances), Ethan had locked himself in the bathroom (timing - at least no one was touching anyone...) and I'm off and running. I had to go add a piece of clothing I had missed before I left for Jake, barked assorted orders at assorted children, repeatedly to the one who couldn't seem to grasp the concept of "find socks and put them on!" So whereas yesterday we left with laughter, smiles and singing, I'm just happy to say no one was in tears this morning.

I was halfway to school when the stark contrast between the last two mornings really hit me. And the words in the title of this post came to me. "Be kind, rewind." It's a shame it's not an option. You cannot un-ring a bell, as they say. The careless words were spoken, the bad attitude exemplified, the fires already lit. The best I could hope for was a start-over, because a do-over doesn't really exist. That's where grace and forgiveness really come in.

So I apologized to the little people in the back seat (yet again) and sent a text apology to my oldest (because it was the best option I have before 3 pm arrives) and I had to throw out some kind of love line to the big kid.

After I dropped the kids I got in the car and stopped. I stopped the running and the spinning and the craziness. I asked the Lord to help me, I asked to start over. I gave Him the rest of my day. I put on worship music and focused on the Lord. I headed over to Coffee Bean, because although my spirit was turning, my flesh was still fighting. As I got out of the car I caught my reflection in the window and saw what looked like a huge gray hair sticking out of the front of my hair. I probably grew it out this very morning in all my running about.

I went inside and ordered a large dose of caffeine and sugar, the caffeine to overcome the lack of sleep and the sugar because I still struggle with self-medicating, and sugar is my drug of choice. I laughed with the girls in the shop, who know me well, although usually for a nice sugar free iced tea; and the girl making my drink spilled it all over the counter. I apologized assuring her it was overflow of my infected morning. At least it made her laugh. I got here to work, and am putting this all down before I lose it.

The stress is dissipating, I'm trying to draw near. I am grateful for the grace of the start over, and as I seek to abide, I am counting on the kingdom math of as I draw near, He will too. I am even hoping beyond hope for a song or two to be flowing out of me by the time I pick the kids up from school. I'll have more apologies and hugs for all my children when I see them today, hoping yet again that I will have taught them well a lesson on being real, confessing your faults (I have had SO many opportunities to teach them such lessons!) and the grace of God.

Is it any wonder I am studying both humility and servanthood this week.... first lesson learned, I've got a lot of room to grow! But I kind of already knew that.

(Interesting side note, as I hit the spell check before posting, "servanthood," it doesn't even register as a word, doesn't that speak volumes? When I googled it, it came up only two ways, "Biblical servanthood" or "Christian servanthood." Things that make you go hmmmm....

1 comment:

Melanie said...

Wow, Diana.. I can so relate to these kinds of mornings. I do wish there was some sort of rewind button to help us go backwards and just do it over.

Why, oh why, can't we just start it out with the Lord and have those good days everyday?