Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Road to the Cross - Part 3

When I had my miscarriage, it was like my world fell apart. Nearly two years of guilt, anger, frustration and shame bubbled up to the top and I was overwhelmed with fear about what exactly might come to the surface with it.

Neal still didn't know the truth about my abortion. And at the time I was very concerned that he might leave me if he knew the truth, after all, I had completely deceived him and even married him with this lie between us.

On top of my concerns about what Neal would think I was convinced God was angry with me, He was punishing me, and maybe even that He hated me. In the core of my being I knew abortion was wrong, I knew what I had done was wrong. Even if I had felt a huge amount of pressure to have the abortion, the bottom line was I could have stopped it from happening. It might have been at a great cost, but I still could have refused to go. And the hardest part of all was that there was no one I could talk to. My parents were the only people who knew the truth and could have even suspected what I was dealing with. I lashed out at my mom a lot in that season of life. I remember having a lot of angry words for her. We would argue at work behind closed doors and I would spit venom because I was so torn up inside, and I wanted her to hurt too. I didn't lash out at my dad like that, I guess 22 years of being a Daddy's girl prevented it, but I was angry at him too, and frustrated by his continual exhortation to not be in such a hurry to have kids. It didn't help, it hurt.

Evenutally a family member came to me after my miscarriage. I guess she could sense I was hurting, and that it seemed deeper than just the pain of a miscarriage. (This is the family member I referred to in a previous post that I am now estranged from.) Eventually she just confronted me directly and asked me if I had aborted the baby I conceived at 19. It kind of shocked me that she would even suspect that. I was so overwhelmed and surprised I just let it all flow out, the whole story. She and another family member who was there were the first people I finally told the truth to. She was a Christian and active in a church, and she had actually been witnessing to Neal and I for quite a while. She shared with me about this Jesus who was not an angry or punishing God, but rather one who was hurting with me and for me and wanted to forgive me. I couldn't grasp the concept, but I was desperate and I agreed to go to church with her.

That next Sunday she took me to the Cornerstone church, where I still attend to this day nearly 17 years later. I listened to the pastor and waited anxiously for the altar call. It's funny, I went wanting to give my life back to Christ, I went ready to accept him into my heart, to rededicate. Pastor could have probably preached about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I would have been on board. (Not that there is any biblical lesson I know of related to good old PB&J.)

God was prepared to meet me ther that day. As I sat nervously in the sanctuary I looked through the church bulletin. It was there I found an ad for a new bible study starting up in just a couple weeks. It was called "The Women in Ramah," and it was a for women who had suffered the sin of abortion. I remember I could barely breathe as I read it. Someone introduced me to the woman in charge of it after service that day. She was very kind and told me she knew the bible study would help me. I told her I was very frightened because I was concerned what would happen if my husband found out. She told me it was very private and no one, not even the pastors would know I was taking the bible study, so I didn't need to be concerned about being revealed. That was a huge relief, but then she told me she also strongly recommended I go to my husband and tell him the truth myself. Looking back now as a more mature Christian I realize the necessity of that recommendation, when things remain covered in darkness, they can not be healed by the Light. But at the time I thought she was nuts, and I told her I didn't think I could tell him and asked if it was mandatory. She assured me it was not, but she would pray for God to lead me, and suggested I do the same.

To be continued...

1 comment:

Golden~1 said...

Hey Diana,

Contact me at faithwithheels@gmail.com or mividab2@yahoo.com. I would love to add you to my Thursday Thoughts coming in January 2009. I am going to have guest writers and will be sending an official invitation to be a part of this blog.

God Bless,

MiVida