Rainbows

I went for one of my regular walks this morning, and a few streets down in my neighborhood I passed the home of a neighbor I never took much notice to before and I really know nothing about. Then today I noticed something in their yard that was never there before, a giant rainbow colored flag.  At the of their walk to their driveway hung a banner with all the rainbow colors that hung so far down it almost resembled a door. 

There was a check in my spirit, a moment of annoyance mixed with sadness, much like the sense I've had on Facebook the last few days as I've looked at all the "rainbow-ized" profile pictures of many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances.  And then it occurred to me, I still don't know anything about this neighbor with the rainbow flag.  I could be tempted to think I do, but the truth is I do not. 

There is a list of obvious possibilities-- it could be the home of a homosexual, or a homosexual couple who is excited about the court decision that they see as a victory, a blessing even.  Or it could be the proverbial "screw you" from someone of the same persuasion.  It could be someone who is not gay themselves but is simply celebrating in solidarity, or someone who wants to piss off a neighbor they have perhaps debated on the issue.  I don't know, I can't know, and because I have no intention of walking up and knocking on the door to ask, I won't know.  At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter because they are still my neighbor.  

I have another house in my neighborhood that I know is the home of a lesbian couple raising a teenage son.  I've only had one actual interaction with them in the many, many years that they've lived five houses down my block, and it was in the midst of a neighborhood crisis many years ago that I no longer recall the details to. We used to wave as they drove past my house to theirs, but then a few years back we brought a "Say yes to Proposition 8" sign home from our old church and put it in our yard. I noticed within the week they placed a "Say no," sign in their own yard. And in all honesty, I was angry at the time, and I'm not sure who stopped first, but the waving stopped and angry scowls came from the front seat of their car instead.  Looking back later, I just regretted putting up my sign in the first place, all it accomplished was making an enemy out of my neighbor. 

As I walked past their house this morning, I looked to see if there was any outward sign of celebration, any rainbows to be seen, and I noted that there was none.  But I honestly don't know why.  Just as I can presume they were unhappy when Prop 8 passed, they were probably happy with the Supreme Court decision, but I cannot be sure by just walking past their door. And can I tell you a secret? I get it.  I get why they would be happy. I get why they would be celebrating. I get that in their minds this is a likely HUGE victory, and a very good thing.  And I can't even be angry with them for it.  Why should they feel any other way? 

OK, now everybody stop for a second and take a deep breath because I realize I may have pissed off a lot of my readers by now-- no matter where they stand on the issue.  But right here, just now, I am positive that my most passionate Christian friends on the issue are probably ticked and completely questioning me, my sanity and most of all my Christianity. Can I tell you something? I get that too.  There is a person who is not my personal friend, who I see through mutual friends on Facebook who turned her profile pic into rainbow colors, and from a distance I saw her make a deeper commitment to God this weekend, and the two things do not gel together in my mind.  And it stirs doubts and concerns.  But THIS is that place where the Bible tells me not to judge (condemn) another Christian.  Standing over here gathering clues from the distance, I am no expert on her heart.  

What a mess it is. The division is what I find so sad. In the church, outside of the church, from the church-- so many mixed messages. We have the adamant and angry who see the celebration of sin and it enrages them... I get it.  You have those who want to debate scripture and rewrite what it says in the name of tolerance and peace, and although I don't agree with it, I can understand.  And then you have all the people outside the church and the response is just as varied-- we Christians seem to have no better handle on the situation than anyone else. I get why they think so poorly of us all. 

I do know this though, it is unrealistic for us as Christians to expect an unbelieving world to live according to a biblical standard.  They can't even understand it, much less apply it.  Yes, yes, I know (even if they try to rewrite history and deny it) AMERICA WAS BUILT ON JUDEO-CHRISTIAN VALUES!!!  It doesn't matter.  That's not longer the case. But this I do know, it is our mistake to make those who stand against our beliefs the enemy.  People aren't the enemy, and to hate them for believing differently than we do completely undermines what we as Christians claim to believe. Like it or not, as hard as it may be, "Love your neighbor as yourself" is the #2 command. There's no out (excuse the pun) on the gay marriage issue, whether it's the celebrating gay or the sympathetic brother in Christ, we're called to love. 

Now relax, I'm not saying you have to abandon your principles or let go of your beliefs, you just can't let that aspect of religion supersede the importance of relationship.  I am not saying homosexuality isn't a sin, but ask yourself, are you as angry about the unmarried couple with two kids living down your block... attending your church... serving there even? Because if you're not, then that little issue of hypocrisy we all have to watch for is creeping in.  Yeah, I get that suddenly the nation has legalized and authorized this sin you take issue with, but don't forget, God takes issue with all sin.  That's why we are Christians in the first place, we at some point at least recognized we were sinners in need of a Savior-- and we still are. But sometimes we forget that after we've been doing the faith walk long enough to impress ourselves. 

There is a lot of debate, discord, anger and outrage stirring about.  It is coming from all sides, but in all honesty, the "side" that "won" seems pretty happy and content at this point, and the ugly seems to be pouring pretty powerfully out of the conservative Christian camp.  That's not a good thing.  I see lots of angry, hostile conversation, with hateful words spewed-- words of fear, words of judgment, words of attack.  Then suddenly when we realize we've perhaps crossed the line we take a step back and try to settle a little and declare, "well, I love the sinner, I hate the sin."  But hear my warning, when the sin is the identity of the person, they cannot separate your feelings for what they do from who they are. They are neither feeling nor receiving our love.  Instead of pointing our finger at the sin and declaring our disdain, we as Christians have to figure out a way to look past the sin and love the sinner first. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is what Christ did, and what He wants to do through us. 

As I walked past my neighbor's flag today, I realized part of my difficulty is that it's the rainbow that is the symbol that has been chosen to declare the celebration. "Gay PRIDE," they say.  And it occurred to me, the rainbow belongs to God-- He is the creator of it, and He invented it for a very specific purpose, and it wasn't about any kind of pride, but rather it's about submission, submission to One Greater than self.  It is first and foremost about a promise that God made to His people.  It's meant to be a reminder of our all-powerful God's love and His covenant with us. And I suddenly felt the encouragement in my spirit that when I see a rainbow of any kind, that should be my focus-- God's faithfulness, His goodness, His supreme power. 

I don't have to be afraid of things going on in the world around me; I don't have to be worried about what the world "is coming to," because I know that God is still sovereign, and He is still in control. Part of His promise is to work all things... ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Nothing changes that, and nothing separates God's people from His love.  

Sometimes when things are difficult or challenging and I don't know what to do in a hard circumstance, I always go back to the last thing I was absolutely certain God spoke to me.  In this big picture challenge, let me encourage the brethren that one thing we know we can go back to that God said is "Love."  Love Him and love others. And I would encourage you when you find yourself backed up against the wall of outrage or frustration, remember Who you represent, and remember what He would do.  Think of the gentle Christ sitting along side the woman at the well.  He didn't deny her sin, but He loved her more and that was what drew her to Him. That was the pathway He built into her life. As Christians I encourage us all today, have our hearts and hands ready to reach out to the world, it needs Hope, and we're the ones who know Him. 

Earthquake!!

I am a born and bred, tried and true California girl, and I love a good earthquake.  Now mind you I am not talking about an 8 point anything, nor have I ever experienced much more destruction than a trinket falling off a shelf or a framed photo cascading down the wall, so let's be clear, my love is relative.  I like I nice 5.2 or so that's close enough to feel, maybe give me a few giggles and brings the panicked craze out on my Facebook feed with the great debate between the fellow earthquake lovers like myself and my less adventurous friends who prefer the earth not move... at least not in the literal sense.

I like to stand on the "I'll take an earthquake any day" argument over the folks who I know who live in hurricane or tornado country who think I am a little cray cray for not only living in California, but actually liking an earthquake here and there, and I definitely get bummed when we have one and I somehow manage to miss it (perhaps I should move to the La Habra area.)  I like the quakes and I like their surrounding "shocks" both after and fore.  Bring me a literal foundation shaker and I am a happy girl.

However, I find myself feeling the rattle and shake of a figurative foreshock, and I am having a much harder time with it.  It feels like the foundation of our little family is up for some serious movement, and I am a little taken aback by how much harder it is for me than I anticipated.

I remember the first literal earthquake we had with the little kids.  I was sitting in my living room under the front window-- a place I tend to be a lot when the earth starts to move.  The glass always rattles first, and because we live right near the train tracks it takes me a few seconds to discern whether the train is just passing by or if the whole earth is moving.  This particular quake came in the middle of the day, and the kids were each playing separately in their rooms.  It was an instant a-ha moment as I could tell it was no train and I realized neither of my littles had ever experienced a quake-- and this was a good one, and by "good" I mean a real rocker.

So, having seen a lot of earthquake damage photos in my day, I am not a big subscriber to the "stand in the doorway" mantra I was raised with. I mean, how many door ways have you seen remain standing in the rubble? So on this particular day I jumped up and ran into the hallway screaming, "Don't panic, come out to me now!" And two little faces with giant eyes came running out with their big brother the fellow quake lover following right behind.  I grabbed the younger kids hands (I'd say they were somewhere around 4 at the time) and we ran out into the street (you know, out where all the electrical wires are.)  As Jacob and I laughed and giggled out in the middle of the street, Ethan got caught up in the "fun" of it, and I hugged and comforted Tori who looked a little more concerned. Then I had to explain to them what an earthquake was, and warn them about aftershocks as they had finally been fully initiated into their California residency (it had been a quiet four years.)

Those hurricane and tornado folk always declare they are better equipped with the warnings that come with their storms in their necks of the woods.  My mindset has always been that warnings are overrated, the anxiety of anticipation was a bigger negative to me than the positive opportunity to plan and prepare.  I always said IF (or when) THE big quake comes that might break California off into the ocean (I mean, how bad could more beach front property be?), if it comes, I would rather just ride it out.

So now, I am looking ahead and I feel those figurative foreshocks. The big shift is coming, and I am still not a fan of the anticipation of imagining what the new topography might look like. My oldest son is moving to Virginia for the next four years (if all goes as planned) and my younger son is going to be going to high school, and without his little sister around for the first time since he was in the kindergarten.  Our exceptionally tight knit little family is spreading out and dividing up, and as I feel the shift and motion, it's the first time in my life I find myself NOT a fan of an earthquake.  I kinda get the fear of my less adventurous friends.

I'm a realist-- I know these changes could and likely will have a ripple effect.  I acknowledge that we are NOT talking tragedy here, but Jacob might never come back to California on a permanent basis.  His future bride, his future calling, his future life could be in Virginia, or he could be called back to Guatemala from there, or "topography" I can't even imagine might be up ahead.  Ethan said to me, "Jacob will be gone for my whole high school experience," and that's very likely - these current roommates may be like strangers at the end of four years, lots of changes happen in both their ages and stages.  Tori feels a little left behind by both her brothers, and I don't know how being separated most of the day for a year will affect the relationship of my younger two (though I am hoping for the best.)

I am having a harder time with Ethan moving on to high school, for a number of reasons, but mostly because having Jacob already journeyed well into adulthood, I am very mindful of how fast these next four years will go.  Last night I watched Ethan graduate middle school and I am very aware that if I blink too quickly, we will be at Toria's graduation next... and in four years we will have another high school graduation and likely a college one as well.

I still don't find myself wishing I lived in tornado or hurricane country, literally or figuratively, but I do find the idea of the stable and unchanging a bit winsome.  I no longer wish I could freeze time, but if I could rewind I would.  Someone told me a long time, much earlier on in my motherhood that "the days are long, but the years are short."  But just like the moms I find myself admonishing with that deep word of wise truth, I didn't really listen, and I didn't really believe them.  But now I do.

Change is inevitable (and I suppose it must be a good thing since God is such a big fan), and time is both a sprinter and a marathon runner, but today I just find myself wishing I didn't have to keep up.  I'm gonna close my eyes for a minute and swallow back the tears rising in my throat because before I know it I am going to be the mother of three amazing grown-ups who'll won't believe how quickly time will run away from them... it'll sneak up on them too, just like an earthquake.

What being a Christian means to me

I've been thinking about this a lot lately - what it is, for me, to be a Christian-- not in the limited definition of having "accepted Christ as my Savior," although that is obviously the key, but beyond that.  What is my faith about?  Or rather, what does my faith make true about me, not in the external sense-- what others see, because I am not oblivious to how much I fall short in that, but the internal, "me and Jesus" reality of My Walk of Faith.

I know this, how I would define that has change a LOT in the last dozen years.  I look back at that 33-year-old young mom of three and I love her, but I can no longer totally relate to her.  It's funny looking back at the age that was the end of Jesus' ministry, and in some ways I see that in my life too.   At 33 I had a ministry-- in my "gift": teaching, speaking, sharing. I didn't have a "position," but I had respect.  I was looked at as someone who had her life and head together, I knew the scriptures, I could break them down, I was a master at the word picture.  I loved it - I lived for the charge of giving people Truth in bites that they could connect with, walk away with, hold onto.  I was good at it.  And when it was taken away from me a couple years later, it hurt like hell. 

Rebelliously I continued in my gift of teaching and discipleship.  I had a group of young teens that my husband and I ministered to and I had a group of women I ministered to in connecting them to one another.  It was ironic that I was resisted by leadership and even as I was slowly pushed (or pulled?) toward the exit of that church, I was actively helping other women become more connected and plugged in.  Both ministries were resisted, and both ministries were mimicked - neither of the approved replications survived-- it taught me about the difference between a good idea and a God idea.  And so when I say to you that these ministries I helped birth were successful, I do so with the recognition that it was more about my listening than about me doing. Right time, right place, right people-- God led, otherwise if it had been all about me, failure would have been inevitable.  But it wasn't. 

That life lesson was the beginning of my understanding of what my relationship with the Lord was truly supposed to be about-- listening... and obeying. As the reins were pulled tighter and tighter in the "formal" sense of ministry, I fought harder and harder, but it was like beating the air.  I wanted to stand before a large group again and share the Word and share my heart, and share the Jesus that I knew and loved.  I didn't really recognize it at the time, but I was having an idol wrestled from my grip.  My heart wasn't WRONG-- the number one draw for me was how connected I felt to the Holy Spirit when I allowed Him to lead my words and give me the strength and inspiration to share.  I loved that. And I loved watching the women be ministered to, their nods, their tears, their words of gratitude after.  It was exciting.  

Then the Lord taught me this important lesson about ministry, it wasn't about crowds and masses; it was and is and will always be about individuals.  Even if I stood in front of a room of 100 women and it only ministered to one soul, the ministry still mattered-- maybe it even mattered more.  God showed me that even if I somehow managed to minister to all 100 women in the room, they were each ministered to individually.  It makes me think of the accounts in the Bible of Jesus feeding the thousands.  It's important to realize that food went in to each individual mouth, each individual body was sustained.  You could have a "we brought food to the city of..." and if it didn't meet a need in every person, it fell short. 

That was another lesson-- my ministry would ALWAYS fall short.  It does always fall short.  Most importantly though if it isn't Christ-centered, it is completely inept.  That doesn't mean we should always be walking along with "doing this in Christ's name" emblazoned across our t-shirts as we serve and do good, but it does need to be emblazoned on our hearts. In fact I would even dare to say that there might even be times that we don't bring Christ up at all to the one we minister to, we just make it about them, loving them, meeting their needs. It might be seed planting, it might be relationship building, it might be any number of reasons, we just need to be sensitive of what God is asking of us in that moment, for whatever His reason may be. 

His reason.  His reasons.  "His ways are not my ways," the Bible tells us.  We're kind of funny when we start to think we know God so well that we have him all figured out on his whats whens and hows. I just have to laugh at myself when I think about all the times in my life I thought I had God all figured out, and I was so proud and impressed with myself with my ability to tow the line.  I was such a good little Christian. In the words of Adam Ant, "Don't drink don't smoke, what do you do?" For me I sat back in judgment a lot.  I tended to forget from whence I came. I forgot that it was at my lowest, filthiest, most sinful point in my life that I met Jesus and found out about His unconditional love.  And somewhere along the line, I got impressed with all the change I had made in my life... and I decided everyone else should do likewise. 

So as the revelation of what I had forgotten slapped me upside the head, I realized I had spent far too many years trying to make "God's" point.  And then I realized, God didn't need me out there making points and winning arguments for him.  He showed me I needed to be careful about where I wanted to plant my flag, or hang my heart, or pitch my tent, or whatever metaphor explains that God never asked me to be about a cause.  That's not to say I wasn't ever going to be called to speak about Truth, but it did mean I was always going to be called to love people, even... especially the unlovely sometimes.  And for the record, I still fall so short there. 

I fall short everywhere.  I find myself getting really excited these days when I feel like something is going right.  I am no longer the overconfident girl standing up in front of a crowd sharing scripture with authority.  Now mind you, I still love the few occasions I've had to do that, but its importance has declined. I'm just as aware of the importance and value of sitting down and talking with a girlfriend over coffee, or offering a cup of coffee to a homeless woman at Panera, or just listening to one of my kids process out a challenge in their day.  

For me what being a Christian means today is different than what it meant a dozen years ago.  It means my relationship with God (Father, Son and Spirit) ought to be my filter for everything in my life.  It's not, but it ought to be, and it is what I continue to aspire to, but only with His help.  Sometimes that means really hard things, like letting go of offenses, or going places I don't want to go, or doing things I don't want to do-- sometimes major, sometimes trivial.  Being a Christian means saying "yes" to God before He even asks.  It means laying aside a lot of I can'ts, I won'ts and I would never. Being a Christian, for me, means putting things in His hands.  Sometimes it means putting things in His hands twice, or ten times or a thousand times because in my humanness I notoriously do try to take them back, but I aspire to leave them there.  Being a Christian for me means accepting His sovereignty, in the good and the bad, the just and the unjust, the beautiful and the ugly, and in the painful (whether I am the cause or the recipient - because both happen.) His sovereignty is the real rub of Christianity for me, I'm all about it in the good and the blessing, and I need to be just as about it in the hard and the painful.  And finally, and probably foremost what being a Christian means to me is trust. 

Trust means letting Jesus be Lord. It's all tied in to the other things I listed previously, but it goes deeper.  It means being open and vulnerable and willing to struggle, at times even hurt.  Not just before Him, but out there in the world, in life.  It means forgiving because He says so, giving because He asks me too, waiting when I don't want to.  And it means doing all of that without explanation and understanding. (Boy right there is the obstacle of faith that some people never get past and therefore never believe.)  Trust means giving up my right to agree with and understand everything I see in the world around me.  It means accepting "His ways are not my ways."  Man it's hard. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way, because it's what makes Him God, and acknowledges that I am not.  And in the end I can't not deny that He knows best, and I do not.  I know that He loves me, and so many times He has proven that His ways are better, and He knows better.  So even when I cannot see that, I have to trust that it's still true, even if I never see it in this lifetime-- which sometimes I won't.  He has earned my trust anyway.

I wish I could come up with a beautiful conclusion to this blog, but I just don't have it.  And I guess that's the reality of My Walk of Faith, or every walk of faith, it's a journey worth making, you just have to learn along the way that it's the journey He is leading you on, trust and follow.   

Surveys, and finals and essays, oh my! - Part 2: The Paper

If you would like to read my thoughts and insights in the creative and research process for this essay you can read part 1 of this blog post by clicking here: Surveys, and finals and essays, oh my! - Part 1: The Research

The Uphill Battle

            I put my hand forward and demanded, “Put it in my hand.” The panicked look on my oldest son’s face gave me confidence in only one thing—I knew whatever I was going to find on the iPod Touch that he gripped tightly in his hand was not going to make me happy.  When he began to try to tap rapidly at the touchscreen in front of him, I looked to his father who told him sternly, “Give it to your mother, NOW!” My son dropped his head forward and finally handed the device over. With only a few taps and swipes across the screen, I discovered several sexually charged text conversations and a photograph of a young girl I did not recognize.  Looking no more than fifteen years old, she stood in what appeared to be her own bedroom, her back arched, her lips pursed together, lifting her shirt up; her bare breasts were completely exposed.  My seventeen-year-old son had met her through a “texting app” he had downloaded on his iPod. I had always tried to be diligent about monitoring my son’s cell phone and computer use, but the software application on this device, one I thought was restricted to playing music and games, was the loophole my son found to invite the outside world into our home.

            “Sexting,” is a word derived from the combination of the words “sex” and “texting;” it is used to describe the sending and receiving of sexually explicit photographs and/or text messages via the Internet or on cell phones. The majority of those “sexting” are teenagers (Goldstein  516). Truthfully, sexting is only one of several new challenges that has arisen for parents raising their children in this technologically advanced day and age. The days of simply locking the front door to keep our children safe from the harm of the outside world no longer exist. Today the “world” and most of the ills it has to offer are right at the one’s fingertips. Parents have to decide what boundaries they will create to keep that world in check and protect their children and teenagers, and then they will have to work diligently to keep those boundaries firm.

            American Academy of Pediatrics’ “tech expert” Dr. Gwenn Schurgin O’Keeffe and author of the book CyberSafe indicates that there is no “right age” to allow children to “dip a toe into the digital pond” (Tahnk 65). Herein lies the longtime, great challenge to parents: there are no simple answers in parenting; the added complication is of course that the cyber-factor has brought the level of challenge to an entirely new level – a level that is in constant flux with the continuous new development in technology. Toddlers with tablets; middle school students posting “selfies” to their Instagram; a group of teenagers “together” at Starbucks, noses “to the screen” of their smartphones– ten years ago these phrases would have sounded like a foreign language. Today they are commonplace activities, and moms and dads have to determine the rules and policies for handling them in their homes.

            The reality is that because the history of the cyber world is so brief, at this point in time there are more questions than answers about the risks and long term effects to “plugging in” and/or “signing on.” The gamut of cyber concerns runs from the benign to the dangerous. Whether or not a child is spending too little time using their imagination in traditional play seems trivial compared to whether or not an adolescent has put him or herself at risk of a predator on the internet. When I took my son’s iPod Touch in hand and looked more closely at the pornographic picture sent to him, it was with just a few careful observations of the photo’s background that I was able to determine a variety of personal information: the girl’s name, the name of the high school she attended, the extracurricular activity she participated in. With a quick Google search of the unusual school name, I was able to determine what town she lived in. One can only hope she did not knowingly put herself at such risk. In the 2010 book Inside the Minds of Sexual Predators, authors Katherine M. Ramsland and Patrick Norman McGrain warn “Children are especially vulnerable to a predator’s encroachment, because they spend hours in chat rooms talking with strangers, tend to miss the signals of deception, and may be seeking what they believe will be an innocent adventure. Often they’re unaware of the true danger” (136). The fact is that even in the five years since the Ramsland/McGrain book was written, the opportunity for danger has only increased.

            Kik, Snapchat and ask.fm are three of the most popular applications being used by teens and adolescents in 2015, and they aren’t their parents’ Facebook. Kik is a Wi-Fi based “texting app” that enables a young person to send private instant messages without being monitored by their cell service and keeping no record outside the app of messages being sent or received. This creates a challenge for parents who might think monitoring their child’s cell phone bill is sufficient to determine their texting use. Kik profiles can be made private; however, they can also be made public. The phrase “Kik me” has become a commonplace tagline in the profile descriptions of young people’s Instagram accounts, offering up their “address” to be reached for a private conversation.  Typically Instagram profile taglines can be seen even by an unfamiliar user who stumbles across a young person’s otherwise “private page.” Snapchat is also an SMS text message style application. With its added enticement—the promise of disappearing pictures and texts, it has gained the reputation as the “sexting app.” However with the ability of most smartphones to snap a “screenshot” (a picture of texts or pictures displayed on a receiving phone’s screen) nothing is guaranteed to truly disappear and an impulsive moment can last a lifetime. The application ask.fm entices users to “ask anything” and to do so with total anonymity.  Ramsland and McGrain (specifically describing Facebook and MySpace in 2010) refer to kids seeking to “create a place of their own where they can exercise self-expression and a certain amount of independence” (136), but the opportunity has moved far beyond the open platforms like Facebook and MySpace and has moved into darker corners with newer and more private applications. It is the job of parents to oversee and monitor their children’s activities, they “are the most effective monitoring device” (Tahnk 65), but the job continues to become a steeper and steeper uphill battle.

            Recently this author created a survey titled “Technology and Social Media” on SurveyMonkey. In it, people of all ages and stages were asked about their own technology and social media usage as well as the usage of their children. If responders had no children they were invited to speculate what they thought their policies would be if they did. Among the 118 responses to the survey 63% of respondents indicated they would never allow their child to bring technology to the dinner table, but nearly 34% do/would allow their children to have their cell phones in their bedrooms at night after bedtime, and nearly 35% would allow their children to use social media and technology with which they themselves are not familiar. There appears to be a discrepancy here, whether it is a lack of understanding or a difference in priority will remain to be seen. Interestingly enough, when it came to questions about the ages children and adolescents ought to be allowed to use technology and social media, it was the people surveyed who had no children who had the strictest standards, many indicating that no use should be allowed until adulthood. As tempting as it might be to lock the proverbial “door” on the cyber world and shut it out completely, the logistics are not there. “The media spends a lot of ink… on the scary aspects…, but there are also a great deal of benefit that kids can reap” (Tahnk 65). The fact is, 2015 is a technology and social media based world, and children will not only “dip their toes” in, but at some point they will actually have to fully swim in the “pond” that is unavoidably in practically every American “backyard.”

It is the burden of parents to determine what their roles as “lifeguards” will entail in their own home and family. Kids are “generally more savvy about computers than their parents, they can also explore things and talk with strangers in ways their parents might try to block. (In fact, about 50 percent of parents fail to even monitor what their children do online, and most have no clue about encryption tricks kids devise and pass around to hide information)” (Ramsland 136), so the actuality of how that will look will surely be a process of trial and error.  Merrimack Valley Child and Adolescent Health’s pediatrician Carolyn Roy-Bornstein warns, “Technology is developing at a rate that may be faster than our ability to monitor it and ensure its safe use” (11); however, this does not relieve parents of their duty and obligation to do so.

There are more questions than answers about social media and technology and the long term effects on children and youth, but perhaps, “questions” are exactly where the process needs to start: What? Where? When? How? What are the goals and purposes for social media and technology use in one’s household? Where is social media and technology use appropriate? When is it appropriate to allow children to use technology and social media? How are safety and good communication going to be implemented? The conversations need to happen between parents and children in order to equip them to use technology and social media in a healthy and enriching environment. Why? This is the one question that can be answered here: technology and social media aren’t going anywhere, and for that matter, neither are the kids.  It’s the job of the parent to find the way to have both live together in a healthy harmony.

           

Works Cited

DePriest, Diana. "Technology and Social Media." Survey. Survey Monkey. Palo Alto:             SurveyMonkey Inc, 1999-2015. Web. 07 May. 2015.

Goldstein, Dayna. "Sexting." St. James Encyclopedia of Popular Culture. Ed. Thomas Riggs.

            2nd ed. Vol. 4. Detroit: St. James Press, 2013. 516-517. Gale Virtual Reference Library.

            Web. 1 May 2015.

Ramsland, Katherine M., and Patrick Norman McGrain. “Cyber Predators.” Inside the Minds of Sexual Predators. Santa Barbara, Ca: Praeger, 2010. eBook Collection (EBSCOhost). Web. 5 May 2015.

Roy-Bornstein, Carolyn. "Pediatric Points: Texts, Sexts What’s Next?" Pediatrics for Parents 27.3/4 (2011): 11. Health Source - Consumer Edition. Web. 6 May 2015.

Tahnk, Jeana Lee, and Shawn Bean. "Digital Milestones: Raising a Tech Savvy Kid.” Parenting School Years 26.6 (2012): 64-67. Health Source – Consumer Edition. Web. 1 May 2015.

Surveys, and finals and essays, oh my! - Part 1: The Research

For my final major assignment in my College Writing class I had to write a "research paper" on one of four topics that were related to four TedTalks we watched together as a class (I highly recommend TedTalks, check them out online.)

The Monday evening we watched those TedTalks, as I was walking to class, I was really struck and bothered as I walked far across the parking lot and campus (gotta protect that new car) by the way that the other (much younger) students that I passed along the way refused to engage or even make eye contact. They either had their noses buried in phones, or they purposely diverted their eyes when I would try to connect or even smile.  It was really pulling at my heart, and it has been on my mind for several weeks as I had been noticing it all around me.  In the coffee shop I saw a mother hold her phone up to her 9 month old's face to quiet him while she had coffee with a friend rather than pick him up or engage with him.  A few nights before while at dinner with my husband I saw a family having dinner while mom and both kids were on their phones and dad just stared off eating as if alone at a full table. It bothered me.  

So when the first TedTalk we watched that night was about the disconnection caused by social media and technology, I was primed to react.  Shockingly I had kept relatively quiet for most of the semester, but at the end of the TedTalk I pulled my soapbox out and let the kids in the room have it.  I talked about the rudeness and ineptness of their generation to be respectful and engage.  I told them I understood (I too would rather text than call) but I warned them of the ills of little kids who had no social skills, like waiting, or behaving in public because moms and dads were always putting tablets and phones in front of them.  I got passionate, and truthfully, they were receptive - when I finally stepped off my soapbox there were lots of nods and even a little rustle of small applause.  I was sort of relieved they were not completely oblivious to the problem, and as I walked to the car that night one young mother even told me I had made her think and reconsider how she was doing "the tablet thing."  

When the next TedTalk talked about the need to "stop the war on drugs" and I listened to one of my classmates talk about "how sad" it was that so much art and literature were probably missing from the world because LSD was illegal I had to swallow the new rise of passion - I felt I had already used my one soapbox pass for the night.  So as I listened to the class support the legalization of all kinds of drugs, I just melted.  After that we watched a couple more videos on food deserts and prisoner rehabilitation that were far less inciting for me.  So at the end of the night I had to decide whether I would write a paper related to technology and social media or the war on drugs.  I couldn't even make a decision for two more days.  I was disturbed. 

In the end I chose social media and technology-- primarily because I felt like I could be more reasonable.  I looked around at this group or primarily 18-22-year-olds and who do not have the benefit of hindsight that being 45 presents.  I no longer think I am immortal and I have stood at the side of enough graves or heard enough news about the death of friends or their children or acquaintances who have had their death caused by drug use, or known enough people who addiction has devastated, that I won't even buy into drug use being a freedom or a good thing... enough said.  I chose passion, but I chose it safely.

The assignment was to "do a lot of research," and go into the project with questions, allow more questions to develop and "keep an open mind."  I have to say, one thing I learned in this first semester of school, I am pretty set about what I believe and why.  The instructor offered an assignment for enlightenment, and I feel like the light Light in my life is already on. So I did my best to keep an open mind, but I knew there would be no great revelation or change in what I believed.  So I started my research.

I looked through the required scholarly journals and books and I also did a survey online that 118 people responded to anonymously.  Contrary to popular belief (concern) I really wasn't able to figure out who was who much at all.  I had responses from all ages 12 to 82 but the bulk (42%) came in the 36-45 age group and the next largest response was in the 46-55 age group (19%.) The male/ female split was 24% to 76%. 66% of people were married. 71% had kids living at home. 88% were regular/ familiar Facebook users, 45% had no idea what Kik was and 50% had never heard of ask.fm. 97% have a smart phone, 77% use a tablet. 

I asked questions about texting and driving (27.5% do so Always, often or sometimes) and 66% responded that they do so at a red light (heads up, you can get a ticket for that too.) 67% use their phones and social media in social situations with friends and 50% often or sometimes (0% for always) bring their phones to the dinner table.  67% of you swear you never let your kids use social media you aren't familiar with, but then again half of you have never heard of one of the most popular teen social medias - so my conjecture is that a few things may be getting past you. 

When I asked about the scenes that I had seen that bothered me (the mom and the infant, the dad alone at the full table) most of you were bothered too.  I also brought up the kids on tablets in restaurants and there was a split there, a lot of folks saw it as the modern day papers and crayons and others agreed with my thoughts about kids needing to learn to interact and behave in public. I would just say this, it's a whole lot easier to "unplug" from the crayon and paper - are your kids unplugging from the tablet.  It bothers me when I drive behind a minivan and see the TV screens in the backs of you headrests and every child constantly plugged in and entertained (and truthfully, I could share text from my other class and the book Entertaining Ourselves to Death to back up those concerns, but this has already gotten really long.) 

What I found through my research was simple - we mostly justify our own actions.  Moms with toddlers who were letting their kids use tablets stated that they thought that was the right age to allow it.  Moms who let their preteens have smartphones thought that was the right age.  And interestingly enough it was the people who had no kids who thought no kids should be allowed to use social media and a lot of technology until adulthood.  My thought - well, I was the perfect parent before I had kids too.  So I get the unrealistic aspect of that. When my oldest was little I sometimes had to rewind Mickey Mouse in the VCR ten times in a single day just to get a few things done around the house. It's what worked for this mama, but I know now that didn't necessarily make it right.  And I do think there is a big leap from the VCR to the internet, but maybe I'm just justifying? 

I was surprised that 34 % of parents allow kids to have their phones in their bedrooms at night - but perhaps the benefit of being burned in that has made my hindsight sharp.  It seemed oddly compared to 64% of you never allowing them to have their phones at the dinner table - sort of points out that "supervision" is not the primary concern.  But it turns out that most people feel lost without their cellphones, so maybe that has something to do with it?  I don't know.  

Oddly enough since my research and this survey I finally succumbed to allowing both my 14-year-old (finishing up 8th grade) and 13-year-old (finishing up 7th) get smartphones in the last week - despite my passion.  My oldest was 19 before he moved into the smartphone world.  Of course I also armed their smartphones with a great software called Mobile Fence that limits what they can access, and reports to me throughout the day about where they are physically and what they are doing on their phones, everything from accessing the messages, to receiving a call (with number shown) visiting Instagram (the only social media I allow at this point.)  And the app has the ability for me to block anything and anyone remotely.  I can even shut it down completely if need be.  So although I seemingly relaxed my policy compared to their older brother, I actually managed to get a stronger leash - and I'm ok with that. 

I was going to share my essay here, but I will do it in a separate post since this one has already gotten so long.  But suffice it to say that the instructor offered up the possibility that we might not be able to answer whatever question we came to decide on as our thesis, and I ran with that opportunity.  My thesis became about the parental responsibility to monitor our kids in the cyber world.  I have been burned there too, so again it was not a new stance or understanding for me through my research but it did affirm what I already knew and experienced.

As I have stepped away from my former legalism over the last few years, I am completely capable of recognizing that at least as Christian parents, we are all called to parent our children individually, and what works in my home and family may not work in yours - and that's ok.  I need to trust the Holy Spirit in you, and likewise you need to trust it in me - BUT (big fat screaming BUT) we ALL need to carefully evaluate how much we are truly doing our job, truly monitoring, truly seeking the Holy Spirit even in our parenting and more specifically in our parenting in the cyber world.  

If I told you I drove my kids out into a gang infested ghetto and dropped them off for 8 hours to fend for themselves, I suspect most of you would be calling social services on me - but the truth is when we blindly let them interact on social networking and the world wide web, there are just as many dangers and dirtbags out there, but because our children seemingly sit across the room or in their bedroom, we allow ourselves to live satisfied under the illusion that all is right in their worlds, but predators, and cyberbullying and temptations abound.  I know, I have learned that the hard way - which is where the hook of my essay starts. 

If you would like to read the end result of my research paper, click here: The Uphill Battle (Surveys, and finals and essays, oh my! - Part 2: The Paper) 

Hot-tempered Jesus lover

I have the worship music playing in my office today, because somehow that seems like the closest best option for what I feel like I need-- to crawl up into the very lap of God and just be held.

I have the unfortunate temperament combination of melancholy choleric - which means I am greatly disturbed by what I see that seems wrong in my eyes, and then I get pretty pissed off when I can't fix it, which opens a pathway (that I don't always take, but have taken enough to know it's not a good one) right into depression.

I feel deeply.  I don't feel deeply like my empathetic friends.  Others' pain won't weigh me down, I am not the "cry with you" friend - but I will get pissed off and rise up if you are being treated unfairly.  I am fiercely loyal like that.  So that does not make me the friend who can "just listen."  Because if I cannot "do" something about your situation, you can be certain I will likely have a lot of thoughts and opinions about what YOU should do about it for yourself.  Sometimes it comes off in an angry and aggressive manner, but that's not the intention.  Underneath is actually a loyalty and compassion that is worth its weight in gold.  But don't burn me, because that choleric melancholy personality is highly flammable, and it will go up in flames.

I am prone to frustration.  Frustration makes me want to DO something - like write a scathing blog or Facebook post - especially when I sense injustice.  Man, that gets the blood pumping. But I have improved considerably - like right now... instead of writing the blog about what I WANT to write it about - I am writing about the reasons I feel the need to write it in the first place... and I am trying to crawl in the lap of the Lord...

The "way" I am isn't wrong.  Yes, it has its challenges, but it's not bad, no matter how many people have tried to "fix" me over the years.  That passion and need to ACT, SPEAK, SAY, DO - well, it's a God-given one.  I thank God for putting people like Peter and Moses in the Bible.  Oh how I can relate to those hot-tempered men who loved the Lord.  That's me. Thankfully no one has ended up dead or with their ear cut off in my world.  Because let me tell you... there have been days.

It's all about the Holy Spirit, I suppose - which one of us is running the show is key.  And in all honesty, I must confess, it's me WAY more often than it ought to be.  I'm so grateful God's grace is still sufficient for me.

Another great challenge - some of that stuff I feel an overwhelming compulsion to say?  Well, sometimes it needs to be said - even if it's going to piss off or offend.  But no where is it more critical that the Holy Spirit be in the lead than there.  And I have something - something I will have to say at some point... because it really needs to be said, but I am trying so hard to let the Lord lead.

So today, I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness of what I see- what's so downright disturbing... but if I let it out now it will be in my flesh... so I am instead wearily climbing into the Father's lap.  I am longing to be held and praying for the wisdom to say it in the right way at the right time.

Father, hold my heart...
Holy Spirit, guide my words...
Jesus... Lover of my soul... melancholy choleric and all...
Thank You...