Hot-tempered Jesus lover

I have the worship music playing in my office today, because somehow that seems like the closest best option for what I feel like I need-- to crawl up into the very lap of God and just be held.

I have the unfortunate temperament combination of melancholy choleric - which means I am greatly disturbed by what I see that seems wrong in my eyes, and then I get pretty pissed off when I can't fix it, which opens a pathway (that I don't always take, but have taken enough to know it's not a good one) right into depression.

I feel deeply.  I don't feel deeply like my empathetic friends.  Others' pain won't weigh me down, I am not the "cry with you" friend - but I will get pissed off and rise up if you are being treated unfairly.  I am fiercely loyal like that.  So that does not make me the friend who can "just listen."  Because if I cannot "do" something about your situation, you can be certain I will likely have a lot of thoughts and opinions about what YOU should do about it for yourself.  Sometimes it comes off in an angry and aggressive manner, but that's not the intention.  Underneath is actually a loyalty and compassion that is worth its weight in gold.  But don't burn me, because that choleric melancholy personality is highly flammable, and it will go up in flames.

I am prone to frustration.  Frustration makes me want to DO something - like write a scathing blog or Facebook post - especially when I sense injustice.  Man, that gets the blood pumping. But I have improved considerably - like right now... instead of writing the blog about what I WANT to write it about - I am writing about the reasons I feel the need to write it in the first place... and I am trying to crawl in the lap of the Lord...

The "way" I am isn't wrong.  Yes, it has its challenges, but it's not bad, no matter how many people have tried to "fix" me over the years.  That passion and need to ACT, SPEAK, SAY, DO - well, it's a God-given one.  I thank God for putting people like Peter and Moses in the Bible.  Oh how I can relate to those hot-tempered men who loved the Lord.  That's me. Thankfully no one has ended up dead or with their ear cut off in my world.  Because let me tell you... there have been days.

It's all about the Holy Spirit, I suppose - which one of us is running the show is key.  And in all honesty, I must confess, it's me WAY more often than it ought to be.  I'm so grateful God's grace is still sufficient for me.

Another great challenge - some of that stuff I feel an overwhelming compulsion to say?  Well, sometimes it needs to be said - even if it's going to piss off or offend.  But no where is it more critical that the Holy Spirit be in the lead than there.  And I have something - something I will have to say at some point... because it really needs to be said, but I am trying so hard to let the Lord lead.

So today, I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness of what I see- what's so downright disturbing... but if I let it out now it will be in my flesh... so I am instead wearily climbing into the Father's lap.  I am longing to be held and praying for the wisdom to say it in the right way at the right time.

Father, hold my heart...
Holy Spirit, guide my words...
Jesus... Lover of my soul... melancholy choleric and all...
Thank You...