Grace Moment

When I was writing my novel, my goal was to make it so vivid you could see it happening in your mind. It was definitely the case as I wrote it, I could see it, like a movie. As I was ending the creative process I was driving to pick my son up from school one afternoon and I heard a song for the first time. It was Kathryn Scott's "Grace Has Called My Name." As I listened to it, I could see a very particular scene in the book happening along to the song, and since that day, in my mind the song has been called "Taryn's Song" after the main character of "Homecoming."

This song now holds a really special place in my heart. It's a beautiful song, and whenever I hear it, I can see the scene in the book, over and over again. But today my heart has been feeling low, and I've been thinking about my own moment when "grace called my name."



It's interesting to me that so many people struggle with accepting God's love for them. For me that is never my point of distress. I am completely confident in God's love for me because of that moment in my life, and all that led up to it. My struggle is with the love and acceptance of others, but not at all is it difficult to comprehend Christ's love for me.

I was finally coming to terms with my abortion. I was seeking God, and growing in His word, and I was in a bible study with a group of women like me. Our stories were all different but we were all connected through the tragedy of abortion. The Lord was finally going to bring healing for to my heart, but it meant cleaning out the deep infection that had been buried for years. The pain was necessary, but it was great.

I was driving for hours, all over town. My heart was broken, and I was weeping. Honestly I don't know where I went or how I got there. I was wrought with brokenness and despair. Honestly it's probably a miracle I wasn't in an accident, I didn't have my wits about me in the least.

When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:10

I had heard the verse, and I desperately wanted to find hope in it. But my heart still ached from the choice I had been given when I was unmarried and pregnant just a few years before, "abort my baby or lose my family." And I hated the girl who chose her comfort over the life of her child. And part of me hated my parents for "making" me become her. And even though there was hope in this verse, it didn't alleviate the pain of the betrayal.

Exhausted from the tears I'd shed, I somehow managed to drive myself home. I was overwhelmed with pain, and guilt too. I had lied to Neal. He never knew about my abortion I had told him I'd lost the baby, when the reality was, I had lost myself. Oh the ache of betrayal, shame and guilt that needed to be cleansed from my heart.

Neal had forgiven me, and I had done my best to forgive my parents, but I was consumed with how unlovely I was, and I knew that I had sinned against God in the most heinous of ways. I felt so alone in my pain.

I walked into our bedroom and lay on the bed, the weeping continued. Neal was away for the weekend and I was alone in my guilt and grief. I collapsed across our bed and wept for hours.

That was when my Grace Moment happened, the moment "grace called my name." It was a supernatural moment, and one that I imagine many people won't even believe happened, but I know it did, and I know it was real. As I lay there asleep I felt held. I literally felt the embrace of heaven. God's loving arms around me. It was the moment I felt God's grace and forgiveness, and I knew it was mine.

Grace called my name.

Something solidified in my heart in that moment. I knew God loved me. And I knew the depth of agape, unconditional love. I knew, to the depth of my being, that He loved me because of Who He was, and not because of anything I had ever done to earn His love. And not only could I not earn it, I could not lose it, because God could not change Who He was, and He was, and is Love.

It was the way that issue was settled in my heart that led me to a place where I could truly forgive my parents, and even more, I could learn to "forgive myself," or rather, I could learn to walk in His forgiveness. I was His beloved, and I knew it. I still know it.

It is the most wonderful thing, and yet somehow,it never seems to be enough. Daily I still struggle to find my place in this world. I know my place in the next, but in this, I feel like such an alien- a square peg full of round holes. And every day, I battle the sense of rejection every day. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know the Lord loved me. I don't know how people get through this life without knowing God loves them. I am so grateful for my Grace Moment that settled that matter for me.

Oh how I wish that my confidence in God's love was enough to make me not care what others think of me. Oh to have as much confidence in who I am as I do in Who loves me. But I am thankful for this at least, grace called my name, and it is that "Grace Moment" that sustains me.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 24

Week 24 of the 100 Verse Challenge. Timely, timely, always timely- that's what I have found as we have wandered through this process of memorizing the verses from Robert J. Morgan's book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart. This week as we learn and memorize a passage of scripture about sacrifice, it feels very appropriate as I am observing my first Lent.

Morgan shares a story in his book this week about holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom and a sermon she preached on today's passage exhorting her hearers to be "living sacrifices." Afterwards, the story tells us, she was invited by two nurses to their apartment for lunch. When she got to their apartment she found the women lived on the tenth floor and there was no elevator in the building. ten Boom, who was 80 years old at the time, struggled up the ten flights of stairs one step at a time grumbling and complaining to herself every step of the way.

Once she was in the apartment though, she had opportunity to share the gospel with one of the girl's parents, and she had the even greater joy of leading them to Christ. The story goes on to say that unlike her ascension up the stairs, on the way down every step was filled with thanksgiving for the eternal moment she experienced and the joy of it.

When God always asks us to sacrifice, there is always eternal benefit in it. It may not always be as clear and obvious as it was with Corrie ten Boom, but we can have confidence in God accomplishing hi purpose through us even when we cannot see it.

The second verse in this passage also speaks to me. I believe the reason God has called me to fast from Facebook during this season of Lent is because He needs to do some serious correcting in my way of thinking. The spirit of rejection that I battle in my mind needs to be dealt with, and there is no better way to do that than to renew our thoughts, which means purposeful and focused time in the Word of God, and sitting at His feet.

Morgan reminds us, "Every temptation comes to us via our thoughts, making the mind the battleground of the soul." Though I don't think Facebook itself is the issue, for me, it makes me too focused on self, and what I think of me rather than focusing on the Truth of who God says I am. Stepping away from the "faulty mirror" (for me) of Facebook and looking into the accurate reflection I find in God's Word is a much healthier place to be.

So here we go, here's this week's passage for memorizing (two verses), what do they speak to you?

Therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God;
this is your spiritual worship.
Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is good, pleasing, and the perfect will of God.
Romans 12:1-2






PS. I have released my first novel. It is currently available on Kindle and in paperback on my website. You can find out more information by going to my website, www.dianadepriest.com - look around carefully and you'll find a discount code worth 15% that's good through Wednesday. Hope you'll read it!

Pride Slides In

A few days ago, I was worshipping in the shower. My prayer and praise closed is efficient, I get "washed clean anew" both spiritually and physically all at once. As I was singing to the Lord, the sound of my voice reverberated off of the tile walls, and I heard myself. I have a pretty decent singing voice, and I liked the way I sounded.

I kept singing, I even belted out a few big notes. I really started to listen to how I sounded, and tried to put on a good show for the loofah and the body wash. And then it was as though the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder. "Remember me?" He seemed to be saying. And I stopped and I realized how quickly, effortlessly really, I transitioned to worshipping God, to being completely me-centered. Pride slid right in.

It was actually a profound moment for me. It was a huge "a-ha moment" broken down into the simplest of examples. I apologized to the Lord and asked Him to help me always see that prideful slide in my life as clearly as I did, quite literally, naked before Him.

I'm on a Facebook fast for Lent. Yesterday was the first day, and truth be told, I didn't miss it much at all. For me that ease was confirmation that the Lord has called me to this break. The only time I have ever effectively fasted (food, media, whatever) it has always been when the fast as God's idea more than mine, and it's never with an ulterior motive (like, "I'll fast sugar... and maybe I'll lose some weight.")

The first thing I noticed being off of Facebook was how I felt less pressed, less hurried. I didn't realize how strong my compulsion was to be "out there." I know I like to communicate, but I didn't realize how much I felt the need to. And with Facebook as a non-option, I just simply felt less pressed.

Until today.

Today I got a very exciting package in the mail. I have self-published my first (completed) novel, and when the books came, I was giddy beyond distraction. I had all sorts of intentions to accomplish certain things at work today and instead all I could do was think about the books I was holding in my hand. I left to go pick up lunch for Neal and I and my mind was flying. And I desperately wanted to shout from the rooftops about my accomplishment. I wanted to be on Facebook.

As I was driving back from Chik-Fil-A, I "felt" the Holy Spirit quicken my spirit again. It was like I was singing in the shower all over again.

You see, I've written this book, and it's good. That's not my opinion, that's the opinion of others. I wrote the story because I felt it was important to tell. There is a valuable message to be told. And even as I was writing it, I felt God's hand in it. The book has a purpose. And here I am at risk of getting in the way of it, because if I lose focus of that, I might just let pride slide in, and the book won't be about glorifying God, or ministering to others, but it will be about me. God forbid.

Promoting the book is going to be a careful walk, because promoting me is sometimes a part of it. But there has to be a way to do that, and not let the pride slide happen. It's not going to be easy.

And in as humble a manner as I can muster, let me tell you, for more information about buying my book, you can go to www.dianadepriest.com
(And contrary to alleged rumors, I did not go on Facebook at all today, in any way, shape or form. This fast is very serious to me, and obedience isn't optional.)

100 Verse Challenge - Week 23

We're back! Time to resume the 100 Verse Challenge! Is anyone here? Anyone? Anyone? Just kidding! I am pretty sure there are a few of you still here, and the truth is, if it's just me and you, God says "where two or three are gathered in His name," He's in the midst of us. And I don't think that truth is deterred by the fact we're together through the internet.

As always, God's timing is interesting to me. I love His efficiency. I had intended to do some catch up on the verses that I was not religious about memorizing over the previous few weeks in the Challenge, but I wasn't. So I am going to have to take up the grace I offered to all of you when we started this thing. Just keep going! So I am ready this week to just keep going!

On Valentine's Day, I shared a blog about the impression I felt God was laying on my heart as we are moving toward the season before Easter. I felt strongly that He was observing me to explore new ground by observing Lent. As I prayed I felt more and more certain that He was asking me to give up Facebook for that season. I'm going to be honest, it will be a HUGE challenge for me. But I know it is what God is asking of me. I need a personal revival, to get connected with the Lord, and get my focus righted. It's not that I am in sin or have wandered from the Lord, but there is an impression about going deeper, growing. Like in labor, it feels like it's time to push. And removing Facebook is going to help me push.

This morning the Lord gave me confirmation to exchange Facebook for what my pastor called "Face time," time seeking the Face of God. I am excited and hopeful about what might lie ahead.

Then today I opened 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart by Robert J. Morgan, and interestingly enough, even our scripture fr this week feels like another confirmation, because it is in essence, a scripture about revival.

Typically the verse is referenced to be talking about "national revival," but I believe the promise could be held to on a personal level as well, and as I am meditating on the verse this week and memorizing it as Lent begins this Wednesday, I am even more excited about what God may do since I am confident this fast is one He has called me to.

So here is our verse this week:

(If) My people who are called by My name humble themselves, pray and seek My face, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14

Morgan points out in his book that there are 4 requirements of revival, and three promises to it in this passage.

Four Requirements:1. Humble yourselves. Pride (me-centered-ness) has got to go.
2. Pray.
3. Seek His face. (Face-time)
4. Turn from your wicked ways. Sometimes we get blinded to our own sin (remember, sin is just missing the mark) and we need to remove the distractions around us to really hear what the Lord is speaking.

Three Promises:
1. I (God) will hear from heaven. It's nice to know that Face-time is something God will show up for.
2. I (God) will forgive their sin.
3. I (God) will heal their land. I know this is a promise for a nation, but I am believing God will do healing in me and in my life as well. But even if that's not what this upcoming season is about, I know God has some good purpose in it. He is faithful!

So I am glad we are back, and I pray that meditating and memorizing God's Word together is a blessing and an encouragement to you as well!

Blessings!

Sovereign

In my mind, each individuals own Walk of Faith hinges on the issue of God's sovereignty.

This attribute of God can be both the greatest bone of contention or the strongest source of security.

God being sovereign is often the point of attack for unbelief. It's where His character is maligned by those who either refuse to believe in his existence, or those who choose to believe He is unworthy of their love.

You have surely heard, or even asked, the questions for yourself. If God is (sovereign) then why... is there pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...? The list is longer, but these are a few of the favorites.

On another hand, when someone "of faith" finds themselves facing pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... many find comfort in God's sovereignty. I believe this is because then they can hope or even believe there is purpose in their suffering.

I don't think anyone (particularly anyone "of faith") questions God's sovereignty in the good times, though those who choose not to believe will intentionally deny any credit of the "good thing" (blessing) to something such as the hand of God.

It's hard sometimes in the hurt, in the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... to focus on God's sovereignty, it is sometimes best seen in hindsight, and sometimes it's not. Sometimes even when it cannot be seen, it has to be claimed. Otherwise, how do we live with the circumstance?

I've been reading lately about seeking God. One of the books I am reading has made reference to two different ways to seek God. Some seek His hand. When we seek His hand, His sovereignty is far more likely to come of issue. Because if the hand is not holding what we would hope for, or worse, if our circumstance somehow seems to indicate His hand might even be against us, then thought of His sovereignty is far more likely to breed discouragement, or worse- despair.

The better way is therefore, not to seek His hand, but rather, to seek His face. For when we seek His face, what His hand may hold is far less relevant. When we seek His face, what God does or does not do pales in comparison to who He is. And the false accusation against us, or the sickness we are facing, or the death of our loved one is no longer about us. Instead is just part of what is.

I think of the story in the New Testament when word was sent to Jesus that Lazarus was sick. He waited two days. Jesus waited. He tarried. And by the time He arrived Lazarus had died. I can imagine how Mary and Martha must have felt. Disappointed? Abandoned? Betrayed? Unloved? When they sent for Jesus, they had confidence that He could come, and by His hand have made Lazarus well. But He did not come.

Others have felt these same feelings. When John the Baptist awaited his beheading in prison, surely these were emotions he battled with.

Joseph, surely he felt these things as well... in the pit... in prison...

When Sarah was childless and ridiculed by Hagar, were these her feelings?

They had sought the hand of God, but His hand was empty. Perhaps His hand was even against them.

When Jesus finally arrived to Lazarus' tomb. Martha ran to Him, "“Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." Mary also said the same thing to Him, in essence, "Your hand was empty, Lord."

If you read the story (John 11) you know that Jesus called Lazarus forth from the grave. Mary and Martha sought their brother's healing from Jesus' hand, but when they looked into His face they discovered not the power of healing, but the Healer Himself.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.
He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.
And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.
John 11:25-26a

I want to seek God's face, not His hand. I want the confidence not in what He does, or does not, do, but in WHO He is. He is Sovereign.

It brings me comfort, and it brings me angst.

In His silence, He is sovereign.

Though He tarries, He is sovereign.

When I hurt, He is sovereign.

In the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...

He is Sovereign.

And I will see this, if I look into His face.

Do you believe this?”
John 11:26b

I believe.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:7-10

Why Lent? Because something's gotta give.

I have been a follower of Christ for nearly 20 years, and never have I ever even really considered observing Lent, the forty day period that leads up to Easter Sunday. I've always considered it more of a "Catholic tradition," and it's never drawn more than a passing consideration from me. Honestly I didn't "get it," and the whole idea of the debauchery and craziness of "Fat Tuesday" (aka Mardi Gras) always put me off so much I just dismissed it.

This year, however, I am not only not dismissing it, but I am strongly considering deciding to participate. If you follow this blog at all, you are probably aware that this has been a difficult season for me, one of both transition and struggle, and I've been suffering a bit of what you could probably label a sort of identity crisis.

I have to be careful with that term though. Let me be clear, I know exactly who I am in Christ. I understand who God says I am, what He's done for me, and I have no doubt that that is the reality of who I am defined as as a person.... HOWEVER, there is a disconnect between my confident scriptural awareness and the struggle of sensing it as I walk out my Walk of Faith. There is a glitch there, and I need something, somehow, to work it out.

So what exactly is Lent? I've been searching and researching, and I found a website that I think defines best why I feel the need to participate this year. It says: "Today, Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent. The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead him to abandon his mission and calling. Christians today use this period of time for introspection, self examination, and repentance." (emphasis mine)

Something's gotta give in my life right now, and I honestly don't know what it is. I've been examining and evaluating and probably over thinking myself into spiritual and emotional exhaustion, and I feel so worn out. I do not see rebellious sin in my life, if anything I am trying with all I am to draw close and seek the Lord. Whether I am in a desert or a season of stretching or sifting, I do not know. I have been through all of these things before in my 20 years following Jesus, but the thing about them, is you often don't know for sure if that's where you were until you come out and look back on it from the other side. All of those seasons are a bit disorienting, and I feel disoriented.

The fasting in Lent is meant to be sacrificial. You give something up of value to you, as an offering. I am also looking to let go of something that is contributing to my disorientation. I don't drink, or smoke, and giving up chocolate doesn't feel like a solution to what draws me to seek God. I've been praying and I am pretty certain what God has called me to let go of for the 40 days while I seek Him, and it's really hitting me where I live. It's Facebook. I kept trying to make a "better offer," and even had some valid excuses why it wouldn't work, like the 100 Verse Challenge, but the deeper I look, the more certain I am.

The good news is that Sundays are apparently "festival days" during Lent, and you get to eat your chocolate or red meat or whatever you are fasting from, which means I could still check in on Facebook and keep the Challenge going as well as connect with my son's fundraising activities for his missions trip. Those were my only really good arguments about why I should not take a break from Facebook, and with this new information, it was assuaged. I can do both.

I'm not sharing this to be like "oh look at me, I'm fasting," because the fact is, I'm not impressed with myself at all, I am choosing to be obedient to what I believe God is whispering to my heart out of a desperation. The last thing I was certain the Lord was speaking to me was a simple instruction, "Listen to hear, before listening to speak." I think Facebook hinders me in that. Unlike my blog where I typically have to set aside time and contemplate before I post, on Facebook there is little filter, I am extremely communicative, and sometimes I only think to speak, or worse, don't think and speak, and listening, especially listening to the Lord gets lost by the wayside. So I really do feel like the Lord is asking this of me, and I really need to make the effort to walk it out. Because if I am right, and it is of Him, then there is excellent purpose in it.

Things that won't change, is my blogs will post to my page because they do it automatically, as well as do things I highlight from my reading on my Kindle, and anyone who wants to can reach me via email or by text if they want to. I won't be inaccessible, but I will be less distracted. I'll have to take Facebook off my phone and sign out on all the computers that automatically sign in, but it will be for good purpose, and in the process, hopefully there is a surrender that if this in fact a stretching season, I will be more malleable to the work of the Holy Spirit, or if a season of sifting, I will be strong enough to withstand the testing. And if a desert, perhaps I will be quiet enough to hear more clearly the direction God is calling me to, and my own complaints will be silenced if no one but God is listening.

That's my hope. So why Lent? Because something's gotta give, and it has to start with me giving more of myself to God. It starts a week from tomorrow, and my prayer is that by then I will have laid down all my angst and will be looking forward to the season leading up to the most precious of days, Easter Sunday when Jesus after dying for me, rose again so I could have victory in my life, and so I could know Him.