My legalism card

Man oh man... I have been walking around for days feeling like I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat. It's like something is completely broken inside, and I could not be more pleased.

I didn't come to Christ like I was doing Him a favor.  On the contrary, I came to Him devastated and broken, completely aware of the si8n and shame in my life and desperately aware of my need for a Savior to pull me out of the much and mud that was my existence. When the "Lifter of my head" drew my eyes upward to the cross of Christ and all He had done for me I experienced a level of gratitude that I am hard pressed to find the words to describe. The grace of God radically and completely changed my life. It changed me.

I've been thinking back a lot on that girl.  I can see her standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes when a song called "Free" by Steven Curtis Chapman began to blare through the house...

"And with repentance in his voice he told me of his tragic choice

That led him to this place where he must pay the price

But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell

About the One he said had rescued him from hell, he said...

I'm free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven

God's love has taken off my chains and given me these wings

And I'm free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I've been given

Is something that not even death can take away from me

Because I'm free

Jesus set me free"

A song about a convicted criminal waiting on death row for his punishment literally drove me to my knees right there in my kitchen, crying out in gratitude.  I was a murderer too, I'd killed my own child through abortion, and although it wasn't a criminal offense, I have lived with the certainty of my condemnation, and then.... Jesus set me free. 

And I knew, KNEW, to the depth of my very being that my freedom had come at great cost. I had looked upon the cross and I understood His suffering, the passion of Christ, was truly at my hands.  And I was grateful.

I don't know when it happened exactly, somewhere along the line my knowledge of that grace, it's power, it's blessing and it's cost faded back into a memory, and somewhere I started to live like I had done something for Christ, rather than like He had done something for me, something I did not deserve and never could earn. 

In the beginning I wanted to change my life out of a grateful heart.  I wanted to live for Him, and live a righteous life BECAUSE of what He had done for me. But somewhere along the line I think I actually removed the cross from the equation.  Instead of recognizing the mercy and grace, the unmerited favor and free gift out of the goodness of the Giver's heart, I got caught up in some perceived goodness of my own.  I looked around and wondered why other people weren't living the same kind of life I was "for Christ." And I judged people.  Not just inside the "body," but outside the body too.  It wasn't a willful decision, but one I slowly slipped into, losing love for others with every step further. 

I don't know exactly when or how, but I exchanged my "grace card" to become a "card carrying" legalist instead, and it wasn't just how I lived my own life, but it was an expectation I put on others.  And I can't help but realize, because of it, people had to have stopped seeing Jesus in me-- or worse, the me they saw, must have made them not want to look toward Jesus at all.  How the thought of that breaks my heart. 

There is another line from another Steven Curtis Chapman song that has been resonating in my mind and heart.  In the song "Remember Your Chains," Chapman sings these lyrics:

"There's no one more thankful to sit at the table

Than the one who best remembers hunger's pain

And no heart loves greater than the one that is able

To recall the time when all it knew was the shame"

God forgive me, I had forgotten.  I had forgotten what it was to remember "hunger's pain" and the sea of shame that rightfully consumed me before I stood at the cross of Christ, where His blood flowed down and covered my sin... healed my heart... gave me a hope greater than myself... a blessed assurance that what He did for me was everything, and it was enough. 

I don't know how I forgot, but I did.  And I don't want to ever forget again. 

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves;

it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. 

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,

which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

For He will deliver the needy when he cries,

The poor also, and him who has no helper.

He will spare the poor and needy,

And will save the souls of the needy.

He will redeem their life from oppression and violence;

And precious shall be their blood in His sight.

Psalm 72:12-14

Here are both the songs referenced above if you're interested.




Swoon

Have you ever found the sense of God's presence has a very similar physical manifestation to anxiousness and fear?  Maybe it's just me, but there are days when I can sense the nearness of the Holy Spirit and it causes a flutter in my gut and a tightness in my chest that makes me feel like it's all I can do just to catch my next breath.

I'm feeling exactly that way right now as I type this into the computer. The only difference being that rather than the "fight or flight" response I have when those feelings are rooted in fear, instead I feel like I would simply like to collapse to my knees and worship the Father.  Why don't I?  Well because I am at work, in the middle of my day and it just doesn't feel appropriate.

This feeling is one that can both be pursued and can sneak up on me.  I have at times been just walking through the grocery store and very suddenly in the midst of walking up an aisle, it's all I can do not to fall on my face and weep in His presence.  Sometimes when I am on a long walk the same desire will arise, the need to just worship.  I will sometimes raise my hands, but I try to make it look as much like a "normal" stretch as I go, just in case anyone is watching.

Sometimes in church service these same feelings will come upon me and feel interrupted.  This past Sunday, I found myself very caught up in worship (which is actually unusual for me) and my eyes were closed and my arms stretched toward the heavens, I was completely caught up in pursuing the presence of the Lord when the music stopped and the pastor began to speak announcements.  Even in church I found myself pulling my arms down quickly, embarrassed.

I can't help but wonder, why do I do that?  And how would my life be different if I didn't let myself refrain because of what other people might think.  What am I missing out on because in those moments of overwhelming desire to worship and connect with God I let myself focus on the thoughts, approval and opinions of others.

I am honestly just thinking "out loud" because I don't know how I could dare to do anything any differently.  What would people think?  Yes, there might be grace if I was lost in worship in the middle of a church service, but if I drop to my knees at Ralph's someone is likely to make a phone call to bring an ambulance or worse to tend to my apparent mental health issues.

James 4: 8a says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." And I honestly imagine that these love bursts of worship, reverence and awe are probably symptomatic of exactly that, the Lord drawing near.  I can't help but wonder if there isn't some serious opportunity being missed by not just stopping and basking in the presence of my Savior.

I have been thinking about Him, and my relationship with Him a lot lately.  I mean, I have always found him to be in the center of my thoughts, I am always wondering what He thinks or feels about my actions and choices, but I have been thinking with more intention, reminding myself of the things He has done for me, and the parts of Himself that He has revealed to me through those experiences.  I am trying very purposely to remember exactly who I was when I came to Him-- broken, lost, desperate, hungering and thirsting for someTHING more only to realize that the answers to my needs were in a Person, in a someONE not a someTHING.

It's never been religion that had the answers to my lack, pain or loss, and I am sad to admit how many times in the years since I came in to relationship with Christ how many times I have let it be about the religion and lost all focus on the relationship.  It sounds cliche to say "Christianity is a relationship not a religion," but it's so completely and profoundly TRUE.  Oh God how desperately I love You.  How is it I so often forget the greatness and passion that is at the very root of our relationship? 

I am so thankful that God has not forgotten, and that I am sure is why when I least expect it He very suddenly comes up upon me and sweeps me off my feet-- like a passionate lover who takes me into His loving embrace until my heart flutters and He makes me swoon, wanting only to fall into His arms and be embraced by the amazing love that will consume my very existence, and beautifully so.

Lord, let me lay aside everything that is in and of myself and any concern for appearance or judgment, just simply, allow myself to swoon in Your beautiful presence.  Lover of my soul, how desperately I long to love you with the very same abandon with which you have so completely and selflessly loved me first...

David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark (presence) of the Lord ever come to me?” He was not willing to take the ark of the Lord to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. The ark of the Lord remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the Lord blessed him and his entire household.

Now King David was told, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark (presence) of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing. When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

2 Samuel 6:9-15

   

I Do Not Dare

I Do Not Dare

I do not dare to dream

For I know the sadness of its death.

I have grieved before

As I watched its final breath.

I do not dare to dream

For waiting is too hard

The pain and loss of losing

Has left me worn and scarred.

‘Tis easier to lay aside

The thoughts of what could be

And simply live right where I am

And hold to what I see.

I do not dare to hope

To suffer when it’s deferred

I’d rather live right here and now

No “could be” whispers heard.

My faith I’ll rest in who God is

Not in what He might do

I’ll seek His face and not His hand

And trust what’s proven true.

I know His plans are good

That’s good enough for me

I choose not to dream about

What just may never be.

I do not dare to aspire

To accomplish any great thing

So when nothing comes to pass

Disappointment it will not bring.

I have been the dreamer

Imagined a different life

Only to fall down hard

Shredded by internal strife.

I choose to look around me

Count the blessings that are mine

It’s a happier place to live

Than in dreams I may never find.

I no longer look

To fulfill some greater plan

I do not seek to soar

I’d rather simply stand.

I’ll stand right here

And I’ll live right now

I never have to dream

Or ever wonder how.

To imagine or to dream

Is more than I can give

For to suffer under heartbreak

Is such a horrible way to live.

Contentment is my aspiration

Satisfied in the here and now

Let the future be what it will be

God will work it out somehow.

No dreams for me

I simply do not dare

Let life bring what it will

I do not want to care.

If a dream You have to give

I’ll simply give it back to You

I don’t to ever dare to dream

Of what may never come true.

Hope is heavy unmet

A burden I choose not to bear

The future is Yours Father

I’ll live in it when I’m there.

I will never again grieve

A dream into its death

For I do not dare to dream

Or give it a single breath.

Diana DePriest

© March 14, 2013

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

Proverbs 13:12

Be humble... BE HUMBLE!

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand...

1 Peter 5:6

I've been thinking a lot about this whole "command" to humility.  Humility is an interesting characteristic.  It's something that can be hard to describe, but you know it when you see it.  Stop for a moment and consider it.  Do you know someone you would describe as "humble"?  I do.  When I hear the word I immediately think of my husband.  "Humble" fits.

Humility isn't something that can be very easily faked, though I think many try.  Truthfully that can be dangerous ground, the begging off of "oh, no, no, not me," often comes off as insincere.  The ability to deflect a compliment or encouragement is not the equivelant of humility. And yet, we are called to be humble.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another...

1 Peter 5:5

If God has commanded it, surely He has equipped us for it, but it is no easy task.  The ego is alive and well, and for some of us, far to easily pricked. 

The key I suppose is following Jesus, acting like him:

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart...

Matthew 11:29

Learn from Jesus, but that accounts for the outside, right?  We can ACT like Jesus, do as He would do, but when I recognize true humility, it's in the person, not the actions. So how do we get there?

I guess it really does start with the actions. Paul gives us a little insight about where to begin:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,

bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:2

"Gentle", "patient", "bearing with one another in love" are all tightly stranded around humility. In my mind I picture someone with a little child, if it were me I would have to picture myself with someone else's little child (patient and gentle and bearing in love don't always pan out with my own kids, but there's a whole other blog post.)  But picture it, gently helping a small child or a crying baby-- it's a good word picture of humilty, and it lines right back up with the picture of Christ.  Remember when the apostles were trying to shoo away the children from Jesus, but He bent low and let them come, that's a picture that captures Christ in His humility.

But even if we DO like Christ, how do we become like Christ?  I'm honestly not certain, but I know it's critical that we as believers all figure it out. 

For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled,

and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Luke 14:11

God will exalt the humble, but those who are the opposite of humble will be brought low.  SCARY!!  What of those of us who find ourselves battling in the in between?  I may not be standing high (with my legs ready to be leveled out from underneath me) but I am surely, SURELY NOT humble like Christ. And even when my effort is concerted to ACT like Christ, it takes almost nothing to prick at the old ego-- And then comes the thoughts:

"How dare they..."

"I deserve better than..."

"Who do they think they are..."

"I don't have to take..."

POOF! There it goes, no matter what my ACTIONS might be at this point, true humility has exited the building... And I don't know about you, but that is a serious concren for me because...

Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

James 4:6

I want that favor!  I do NOT want God's opposition.  So I WANT to be humble, but it's such a battle to get there. 

I guess the bottom line is to act it till you live it. NOT fake it till you make it, but practice it until it becomes a reality.  You'll... I'll... have to battle those thoughts, take them down when they rise...

Respond to "how dare they" with an offer of grace.

Remind myself of how much I have that I DON'T deserve (hello grace?) when I think that I deserve better than what I'm getting.

Tell myself who "they" are when I feel offended by "their" actions (precious and loved by God, created in His image...)

And remember what was "taken" on my behalf and was truly undeserved. 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing

by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself

by becoming obedient to death—

even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:5-8

Hmmm... yeah. Well, that's humbling. 

Fallen

Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.  1 Kings 19:1-5



Fallen

“Run the race,” so says Your Word,

A common quote I’ve often heard,

But when I’m tired and hit a wall,

I find no hope at the bottom of a fall.

“Run,” You say, but most days I stumble,

Is it making me strong or keeping me humble?

“It’s not that you fall, but that you rise again,

That’s the victory; that’s where you win.”

Feels like a platitude when I can’t get off the ground,

Face down, grabbing out, and fledgling around.

Can’t push myself up or get on my feet,

You tell me to run, but I want to retreat.

I’m weary, I’m worn; I’m plum tuckered out,

Is this what my testimony is going to be about?

“She fell all the time, all straggly and scuffed,

“Found that walk of faith to be pretty damn tough.”

I look around at all the others in this race,

Wonder how they keep such an Olympic pace.

I don’t see them stumble, much less see them fall,

I don’t see them breathe hard, no struggle there at all.

I grab at the ground, try to move a few paces ahead,

Find a bush to sit under and dwell in my dread.

Cross my arms hard, I pout and I grumble,

I want to be strong; I don’t want to be humble.

I point over there where the runners pass by,

Why can’t I do that? I want to know why!

Is anyone listening? I can’t really know.

My faith that You’re listening is just touch and go.

I kick at the dust, and a thick cloud rises around,

“Where are You?” I shout. “Why won’t You be found?”

These desert days suck, I can’t even think,

Discouragement pushes me right to the brink.

“Take me home, God, I don’t want to be here,

“I can’t find my faith, I’m consumed by my fear.”

I grumble, I pout, and I lament at my lot,

“I’m tired and thirsty, this desert’s too hot.”

“Get up,” says a voice, “It’s time you should eat.

“You’re going to move on, you will not retreat.”

I consume the bread, and my strength returns,

I drink in the water; my throat no longer burns.

“How did this happen? Why are you here?”

I tell You I’m lost, that nothing seems clear.

“Go stand over there, be quiet and see,”

“See where it is that You’ll finally see Me.”

I stand and I listen but it’s not in the wind,

Not in the earthquake or the fire You send.

I stand small in the midst of what is profound,

But as I’m looking for You, I hear not a sound.

Then in the aftermath, a moment is still and quiet,

Then a gentle whisper is heard and I cannot deny it.

I take a step forward and You ask me again,

“What are you doing here?” You ask like a friend.

I’ve struggled and stumbled and fallen on my face,

But my strength is in You to continue the race.

“Stop looking at them, it’s not their victory you see,

“When you see the other runners, you’re just seeing Me.”

I’d forgotten the truth that I can’t run on my own,

But through the struggles and falls, I’ve actually grown.

My power diminishes when I focus at my feet,

But when look back at You, my strength is replete.

The fall is not failure, neither is the rising my gain,

My power grows not in the struggle or strain.

But my strength is found when I grab hold of You,

There I find life-giving power, and victory that’s true.

“Go,” You say, and now I know that I can,

So long as I go holding on to Your hand.

By Diana DePriest

© March 4, 2013

So Elijah went from there...

1 Kings 19:19

Oh how I can relate to Elijah....

#ProjectPrayer

A couple weeks back I felt inspired to start a prayer plan.  It was on a whim. I was on Facebook and while on my page I noticed to one side the 8 little thumbnail photos of some of my "Friends."  I had a while back done it before, but nothing "official" or "public."  So I snapped a photo with my phone and with a little help from the PicsArt app and Instagram I notified my social media world that I would be praying for the top 8 that God, or Facebook and highlighted for the given day.

After I did it a time or two, a couple of my friends joined in as well as my oldest son.  "You started something cool, mama," my oldest posted to my Facebook page a few days later.  Apparently, it was catching on, and friends of friends who thought the idea was cool, touching or just smart joined in too.  I thought "Great!"

During this same time I am trying to cut down on having my phone with me or using it when I'm around other people.  So I carry the card in my pocket, and every time I thought about checking Instagram, Facebook or playing another round of "Words with Friends," instead of my phone being handy, my prayer list was instead.One thing I noticed after doing it a while was that the list got repetitive.  I noticed that it was rotating pretty consistently through the same 25 friends or so.  And I thought about all the Facebook friends I had that weren't getting prayed for. 25 out of 706 didn't feel very effective to me.  So I started thinking about how I might be able to do things differently and pray for more people. In fact, I wanted to pray for them all.

Now let me say, I am NOT an intercessor.  In fact I am actually not very proud of all of my "prayer skills." So watching how this prayer project has been affecting me, as well as the snowball effect it seems to be having makes me very confident that this isn't just MY good idea, but rather a God idea.  But even if I'm wrong, prayer is a good thing, right?  I'll be honest I have second guessed myself when I have had people on my list who I don't know are necessarily Christians.  Will saying "I'll pray for you offend someone?  I can't know, it's a strange world these days.  But I felt inclined to press on, and my nerdy math oriented mind tried to figure out how I could manage this, how many people per day? how many days? 706 was a strange number.  But when I revisited the idea of 8 per day, I felt more compelled.  You see 8 per day would take 88 days. And I know biblically speaking, 8 is the number for "new beginnings."  And so I think that fits very well with this prayer theme, praying it for others and creating it for myself by partnering with Jesus in prayer. (Which by the way, some say 8 stands for Jesus, but I'm not familiar with that.)

So I hit the store for supplies as the plan and idea formulated in my mind.  Index cards of course were necessary, a place to keep all the names I had printed off of Facebook.  And maybe a way to keep everything together as a keepsake about this journey in prayer I was about to take. So I bought the cards, an interesting square jar, a photo album and some colorful pens.

The 4x6 index cards will fit perfectly into the sleeves of the photo album.  Who knows, perhaps I will someday gt to look back on answered prayers. If nothing else it will be like postcards on my journey with the Lord.

As I sat and cut the list I printed in to little individual strips and folded them up into the jar, I realized Facebook had a few surprises on the list for me.  People who aren't real, pets, people who aren't on Facebook anymore (and therefore probably not counted among my 706.)  There are a few deceased friends there, a few business and ministries (which are also "friends" worthy of prayer.") So if they were living and breathing, I threw the "name" into the jar.  And I realized the my #8for88 plan (and hashtag) were probably going to end up being more of an estimation than an actuality.  But I certainly didn't think that ought to slow me down.

I'm still going to start on Thursday (which will be 8 days left in the month of February) and if I am right about the 88 days, I will end on May EIGHTeenth.  I love the consistency of the "new beginnings" theme.  Wouldn't it be funny if I went 8 days over?  But I digress.  I have titled this event ahead (and hashtagged it) #ProjectPrayer.  I am excited about the endeavor ahead.  And I also want to challenge my friends to create Prayer Projects of their own.  It doesn't have to be what I'm doing, be inventive.  Or borrow the #8perDay plan.  This is what I know, we say say prayer makes a difference, but do we live like it?  My thought has been, some of my "Facebook friends" might not ever have anyone else ever pray for them.  Granted some of them are practical (or actual) strangers, and I may not have any clue what to pray, but I can pray for God to work in their lives-- He knows the right prayer even if I don't.  The point is, what if IA m the only one to evr lift that person's name up to the Father.  I also have condfidence that God can be a big influence in who gets pulled when, and so maybe a name will come out of that jar on just the right day when they need wisdom, or safety or strength.  I don't know, but God does, and this is an opportunity to line up with His plan.  I'm excited.  I would love to have you join me.  If you do use the hashtag #projectprayer on Instagram or Twitter if you share your adventure there.  Or email me and tell me your plan, or comment here.  I am excited!  Join me, it's going to be a wonderful adventure!

(My Facebook page as I kick off #ProjectPrayer on 2/21/13)