Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Seeking Him Is Hard

Monday night I blogged about Chapter 8 of our Seeking Him bible study (in sidebar at left.) The lesson for the week was about dealing with offenses that I have committed against others.

It wasn't an overly taxing process for me to think of my list. As I shared Monday there were 2 definite offenses that truthfully have been on my heart/ mind/ guilty conscience for all the years I've held them hidden.

So when the Bible study challenged that these kinds of things need to be dealt with in order to allow the Lord to bring revival to my heart, I can honestly say the instinct to run screaming from my study book was never stronger. (Let me clarify, it wasn't the first time the instinct came, it was just the most powerful and intense episode of it... fact of the matter is it seems to get stronger with every passing week... so if you should seem me running from a small blue book in the next 4 weeks, don't be shocked.... Why did I agree to start over again IRL?) Ahh, I digress.

So if you go back and read the previous post you will know that I really had some strong arguments (at least in my own mind) not to confess the offenses. But God wasn't inclined to let me off the hook that easily. I am happy to say that one of the two offenses has since been dealt with. (Giant sigh of relief.)

It's interesting though because as I remembered it, it was "just a little white lie." Part of me actually thought my friend might not even remember it. I was wrong. I had blocked out the part of the memory where my friend had called me on the initial lie. I forgot about the way to cover up my sin I had actually not only perpetuated the lie and insisted it was true, but I had actually made my friend feel really bad for doubting my honesty. I made her cry in guilt and shame and really put her through the wringer. I forgot all that.

It's interesting because the other situation I had minimized in my mind, is becoming more detailed in memory too. And I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself.

It's interesting how we do that, minimize our sin. "White lie." Makes the lie that led to deception that led to wounding a lot easier to live with, at least for me.

I am blessed to say that my friend was very forgiving. As I started to share she started to cry, and I thought I was wounding her all over again (my justification for not confessing) but turns out they were tears of relief. When she called me on the first lie she really felt like the Lord had told her I wasn't being honest. And I made her doubt the voice of the Lord. And I made her feel like the bad friend. It wasn't worth it. Confessing my sin to her on the other hand? Was totally worth it. Easy to say, I know, since she forgave me and let me off the hook, but honestly it was like the proverbial leaven in our friendship. The lie, deception and wounding I committed against her was polluting a very precious friendship in my life. The hook she let me off of, had been weighing down our friendship. How much more so does sin that's not dealt with pollute and corrupt our relationship with the Lord and weight us down? I was fortunate and blessed that my friend forgave me, but the Lord is always willing and able to forgive us when we confess our sins and truly repent from them. So is it worth it? There is no question.

I do still have that other situation out there looming. And I'm pretty sure the Lord's not going to allow it to be left unresolved either. I'm open, watching for the Lord's timing, praying that friend is able to be as gracious as the first one, but knowing that doing the hard stuff, and walking things out the Lord's way - totally worth it.

1 comment:

His Girl said...

this is beautiful, DianA! I love,love,love how you're letting God use this study and grow you!

I just looked at your other post and see I never did comment... whoops! fixin' it!