Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ramblings of Brokenness

My heart is overwhelmed right now. It's like a heaviness pulling through my throat, down my chest, and just teetering atop my stomach. It aches, makes me want to gasp for a breath, but the air I gasp for brings no satisfaction.

I want to weep, there is a sadness in me like I cannot even describe, broken, weary, disturbed. I feel ruined.

I fear this is a byproduct of doing a study on revival and truth concurrently. Both are opening my eyes, and I am so heartbroken over what I see.

I feel a little like perhaps I understood how Isaiah felt.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips,
and I live among a people of unclean lips,
and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

Isaiah 6:5

So much is on my heart. I am disheartened by so much that I see around me. Compromise, so destructive, such a bad witness, and it's rampant.

I don't just see it around me, I see it in my own life, and I hold to the Lord, praying He will help me through. I feel compelled to warn others, and then am grieved when others counter the truth, not with intention but in carelessness.

I am grieved... by my sin... sin in the church... the sin of the world.

My heart breaks for the lost, who live in sin's pleasures, not knowing the havoc they wreak on their own souls. My heart breaks for the believers who likewise dabble in sin for it's momentary pleasures, squashing the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. My heart aches when they lead others into the sinful way.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.
1 Corinthians 10:23-24

We have to live our lives... differently... not only for our own sake, but for the sake of those watching us... dare I say... following us. And when we don't, we set huge stumbling blocks in front of others.

I proclaim the power of Christ is in me... the power of victory over sin and death, and then I live like a pauper, unable... unwilling to resist the temptation to walk in sin, away from my Savior. It is a choice.

It breaks my heart. When I see others doing it, I want to shout, to scream... "Stop!" Young people bombarded in the world with temptation, we have to throw them a lifeline, and we have to hold on to the rope, tie it tightly to the anchor of truth.

I have an unrest in my soul, no longer willing to exist in the world of "good enough" and "not that bad." I want freedom, and I want everyone else to find it too. The perfection of it eludes us until Christ's return, but is that excuse to settle?

If the world is darker, no matter how small my light may be, I long to let it shine, not under a bushel, but on a lampstand for all to see. And the more of us gathered high, the brighter we shine together, Christ in us, the hope of glory.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:15-16

Forgive me for rambling, I cannot even fully put into words all my feelings and thoughts, but I know what the Lord has for me, and for all His children is something better, something brighter, if only we will not settle for compromise.


Brook said...

I too, have been burdened with many of the same thoughts and feelings over the past months. When you feel this great burden/need/desire/etc., I want to know what you do about it. Certainly we pray, we prepare our hearts and minds and do not let the devil get a foothold, but what else??? If you find the answer, please let me know.

Here are two scriptures that have been on my heart and mind during this time:
Ecc. 1
1 Peter 5:6-11

Brook said...

I forgot to mention my memory verse for this week..."We demolish arguements and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5