Friday, June 19, 2009

I Want to See

We had a wonderful time of worship at church on Wednesday night. It was an extended time of worship because we found ourselves "in between" our growth group series that is just ending and the "Truth Project" series that doesn't start till next week.

I love worship time, it's a time to completely focus on the Lord, but sometimes I struggle with it. I find myself envying many of those around me who seem to get so lost in worship. I have a good friend who is like that, she "boldly enters the throne room" in worship and you can see she has entered into the Lord's presence completely. I think Neal is like that too. Perhaps it's a gifting the Lord provides to those who participate in the leading of worship, but sometimes I will look at him up on the stage, behind his drums and can see he really isn't there, he's entered into another place, the Holy of Holies.

Can you see my problem already? I'm way too aware of what's going on around me, instead of losing myself in worship as well I find myself so severely distractable. It can be very frustrating.

Perhaps it is a gift? Or maybe a mark of maturity? I honestly don't know. I know I have been there, but I seem unable to enter in as often as I'd like to (which would be every time.) I often find myself on a Sunday morning during worship time singing the songs, but my mind is racing off to other places, everywhere from wondering if a particular person has made it to church that day, to contemplating lunch, to making the grocery list in my head for the following week. Thoroughly and utterly distractable!

This past Wednesday my distraction was my distractability... I was so very aware of how much I seemed unable to focus on Him in worship. I willed myself to do it, I sang, I raised my hands, I turned my eyes toward the heavens, but still my mind wandered. Finally I sat down and focused , covering my face, trying to remove any other input than the words of the song, willing myself to enter the presence of the Lord.

I thought to myself about how many things there are that consume our attention, like passing a car accident, you cannot help but look. A flaw in my own appearance, I cannot get my focus off of it; a worry or concern, will fill my mind, wake me in the night from sleep even, but the Lord, for some reason, I struggle to give Him my full attention.

The examples above are all such negative things too. I think to myself about how the all-consuming worry is the antithesis of worship, because when it consumes my mind, I'm really not focusing on my God at all, or even giving Him any consideration. I know because if I was looking at my God, my worry would seem so big or threatening at all... but I have traveled off on a rabbit trail here, because that wasn't even the case on Wednesday.

So as I sat there determined to truly worship on Wednesday night, my prayer was for me to see my God as He truly is, so BIG I cannot take my eyes off of Him...

When I worship, I want to see the reality....

I want to see the God who took this broken vessel, wounded and destroyed by my sin and turned her into a woman with hope and redemption...

I want to see the God Who took this barren body, and gave me the ability to have children...

I want to see the God Who took my barren soul, devoid of anything good and gave me an understanding of truth and the desire and power to share it...

I want to see the God Who took broken, hopeless pathways and opened them up and turned them into the path to dreams come true....

I want to see the God Who holds my family in His right hand and covers it with His left...

I want to see the God Who loves me and forgives me still in the midst of my failure, sin and struggles...

I want to see the Father Who gave up His Son so I could be forgiven and adopted into His family...

I want to see the Savior Who gave up His very life on the cross because He loved me enough to suffer for me...

I want to see the the God Who has redeemed my past, walks with me in the present and holds my future securely in His hands....

For when I look upon this God, I cannot take my eyes off of Him, for He is bigger than life, all-consuming and not only holds my gaze, but He holds my heart.

This is the God I am called to worship, this is the God that will overcome every distraction. I am in love eternal with this God, my God.

My God. Lord, help me not lose sight of who You are. MY GOD.

I will worship this God, my God.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised...

Psalm 18:2-3

1 comment:

Brook said...

Reading your post brought a song to mind...

I want to see Jesus lifted high
A banner that flies across this land
That all men will see the truth and know
That He is the way to heaven

I want to see
I want to see
I want to see Jesus lifted high

Step by step we're moving forward
Little by little we're taking ground
every prayer a powerful weapon
strongholds com tumbling down
and down and down and down

I found myself nodding and saying yes to each item as I went down the list! I love this cry out...I want to see the the God Who has redeemed my past, walks with me in the present and holds my future securely in His hands.... Amen!

Distractibility is definitely a problem with me in worship. I really have to be careful where I sit on Sunday morning or on the rare occasion we have a Wednesday night worship service. (Our growth groups are in homes during the week since our building is small....I wish they went year 'round!) However, we have a new senior pastor that should be starting soon and I think things will change in that regard.

Don't you just love the psalms? When I find myself in difficult times God uses them to comfort like no other book of the Bible. Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer and man...I can't think of her name, the Precepts woman...wrote a six week study on the book of David. I looked at it today at Lifeway and would love to delve in if I had a partner or two. :) Let me know if you're ever interested!