"... but God..."

Honestly a lot of the last few days are a little blurry. But Sunday at church our Pastor was talking about prayer in this time of economic crisis (I think that's what he was talking about, sorry Pastor) and he made this statement, he said simply, "but God...." He was talking about how we as Christians, will have times of trial, or apparent hopeless situations, like when a job is lost, and you don't know how you're going to pay the rent, but God suddenly comes through and provides in some amazing way.

Yesterday I sat with my arm around my grandmother as she said good-bye to her husband of 66 years. Throughout the day she kept telling me how proud she was of Neal and I for taking our kids to church so faithfully, and how blessed we are. I am one of ten grandchildren and two "step" grandchildren. To my absolute knowledge one of my "step" cousins and and I are the only ones who are "in church," and I'm the only one who is with her children. (My "step" cousin doesn't have any children.) I'm not saying my other cousins don't believe in God, to my knowledge only one is a self-proclaimed atheist, and there are a couple who I honestly know nothing about. Our family is so disconnected and broken, that only two of my grandfather's 3 sons were even at his funeral yesterday, and the other one only came to the 30 minute ceremony at the cemetery and then disappeared again. I probably won't see him again until the next family funeral, and then honestly that will depend on whose it is.

My kids (at this current time) are the extent of the legacy of my grandmother's prayers. I am certain that she has prayed for her children, grandchildren and now great-grandchildren, and my kids have received the benefits of those prayers. As I had my grandmother under my arm, she said, "I don't know how people do it without the Lord." She was talking about grieving. How do you say good-bye to someone you love without Him? My grandparents were together for 66 years, since she was 16 and he was 19, they have walked this life always, as man and wife.

My thought was, I cannot imagine losing Neal, and we have only been a couple for almost 20 years (married almost 18 of them); I would be lost without him, it would break my heart to say good-bye. If that's how I feel after just 20 years, what must it be like after 66? I think to myself, I would just want to crawl up and die with him, but God would give me the strength to carry on. I think to myself, how can you not be overwhelmed with loneliness, but God would make his presence known. I think to myself, I would weep till I drowned in my own tears, but God would be the God of all comfort in my life. I think to myself, I would ache at the thought of never seeing my partner again in this life, but God would remind me of the hope of eternity.

What powerful words these two little words are, "but God." I think to myself, I was so lost and broken, dying in my sin, but God came to me and rescued me from myself. There was a time when I thought surely I would never experience the joy of being a mom, but God opened my womb and brought forth Jacob and Victoria, but God saw fit to allow us to participate in the miracle of Ethan's adoption. And that experience, so many "but God" moments in it, we hit mountains that seemed insurmountable, but God made a way where there was no way.

I am grateful for the legacy my children have of a praying great-grandmother, at least two of them actually, because the god of this world wants to draw my children away from Jesus, destroy them but God has His hand over them, He is watching over them. I am grateful that I have the marriage I do, because there was a time when I wasn't sure Neal and I would make it, but God came into our lives and our marriage and made it for His glory. I know we will face losses, struggles, trials and tragedies, but God will be with us, He will lead us, He will care for us, because no one but God loves us like He does.