Crossroads

I've obviously made no secret of my struggles of late. I practically wear myself out (I was going to say wear myself thin, but let's be honest).

I am tired and weary. Being the mom of three active kids is busy and exhausting. I try to be wise, limit them each to a single activity, for the most part. Despite that, just the sheer fact that there are three make it busy. There is karate, soccer, gymnastics, driving and drop off to two schools, homework with the little ones, playing warden to the big one. We're in two new schools, still adjusting to new ground. Everything is harder (you have no idea how complicated 1st and 2nd grade math has become.) Any memory I have of high school algebra or biology is LONG gone (and I was never very good at biology anyway.)

I have a husband to help and tend to, a home to care for (and boy is that lacking severely.) And I am often overwhelmed with worry and concern about the struggles of my kids, their education, social life, etc., etc. We have bills to pay, debt to clear, lists of "things to do" around the house. I want to serve in my church (do I even do that anymore?) and support my husband in his ministry and keep my kids involved as well. As wife and mom, I feel like the hub of the mechanism of our family. Though I'm not sure if that's the right analogy since I feel more like I am revolving around them, than they around me!

All the while I am in a process with the Lord. He's doing a work in me and in my relationship with my oldest son. It's a good work, but a hard work at times, even exhausting. I've shared the struggles of parenting a teen before. (Here and here.)

I'm sitting here now as I write this listening to worship on my MP3 player because it's like an aid to reach up and call to the Lord. Sometimes I can't even pray for myself, but I listen to these words other people have written and I just agree and say to the Lord, "yes, that's how I feel."

Right now I am listening to a modern version of the old hymn Jesus I Come

Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come;
Into Your freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come;
Out of my sickness, into Your health,
Out of my want and into Your wealth,
Out of my sin and into Yourself,
Jesus, I come, I come.
Out of my shame, my failure and loss,
I lay it down at the foot of Your cross,
Out of my selfishness, wanting and greed,
Lord I will follow wherever You lead,
Lord I am thirsty,
Lord I am down on my knees,
And through all of the valleys,
Your word is spoken to me,
You are my Shepherd
All I want and I need
Jesus, I come...

It goes on, but I'm not that good of a typist. It's so incredible when a song or poem is written and it so accurately describes how you are feeling.

Lord I am thirsty, Lord I am down on my knees...

I can feel myself at a crossroads. There are changes God wants to make. Some He has been patient with me for a long time. And it's not that He's lost patience with me, more like I've lost patience with myself. I want out of the bondage, sorrow and night.

Today as I sat upstairs at the gym while Victoria was in class I had my earphones in, listening to worship and I read a little out of a book I'm reading called "Extreme Pursuit: Winning the Race for the Heart of Your Son." Then I took my bible out. I had asked a couple friends to suggest something to read because I just didn't know where to start. One of them suggested Psalm 37. It's one of my very favorite Psalms, one I've read maybe a hundred times. I have lots of favorite verses in it that I've quoted many times, but today a different couple verses caught my eye.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. Psalm 37:8-9

There are two different portions here that really struck me. First, "do not fret—it leads only to evil." It just really struck me, that fretting is sin. So, if you have read this blog before, you know I went to the dictionary. The primary definition says, to fret is "to feel or express worry, annoyance, discontent, or the like." That's what I thought it meant. But the 2nd definition has given me a lot to ponder. It says, to fret is "to cause corrosion; gnaw into something." And suddenly I realized that the corrosion my fret causes is both in my faith and my relationship with the Lord... "it only leads to evil."

The second portion that spoke to me was this, "those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land." My victory comes from where my hope is. Ok, a given, and an antidote for the fretting. If my hope is in Him, and not in what I am seeing, feeling or experiencing, then I will not be anxious, worried or discontent. (I know, some of you reading this are probably thinking, "Duh!" But it was an illuminating moment for me.) So, not only this, the cure for what ails me, but the answer for my concerns over my children. My new prayer for them is not that they would be rescued from some experience or spared some trial, but rather that they also would "hope in the Lord," so that they would inherit the promised land the Lord has for them. What a powerful thought!

So perhaps this has seemed like Christianity 101 for many of you reading this (are there even many?) but it's a crossroad for me, one where I hope to make the right turn in the road and move forward with a new understanding and greater conviction.

Lord may this be an encouragement for someone, and not just more nakedness for me. Be blessed.