Sunday, August 10, 2008


I suppose that's what this past 9 days has been in my blogging life. A space between the first 26 Days of Praise and what I hope will be the last 4.

How is it that it seems to have been a long nine days, and yet they somewhat seem to have flown by. Time is a tricky thing, beyond my comprehension in some ways as life seems to tick off in increments, whether it's seconds, minutes, hours or days. Nine days ago seems like forever ago and also somehow like a blink.

Last weekend Neal and I stole away for the weekend to attend my 20 year high school reunion. Talk about time flying and ticking all at once. It's hard to believe it has been 20 years, and then I look around at my 17 plus year marriage and my three children and it's obvious time has marched on. It's funny when you attend something like this reunion. I look back and think back to the girl I was 20 years ago. I don't think where I am today is where she thought she would find herself. But I really have no complaint.

I think it's safe to say I was the only woman there who didn't look like a size 6 who has been fastidious in working out for the last 20 years. I found myself in a roomful of "the beautiful people." I knew I'd see a lot of people looking good, but didn't expect it to be them all. (Seriously, them ALL.) I might prefer my waist size to be a little smaller (and may be more inspired to work a little harder at it) but it didn't discourage me to show up with 20 years of contentment around my waist.

That's what I sort of saw in myself as I said hello to old friends, now strangers, who I have not seen in two decades. I'm content with my life. I love my husband immeasurably, and I have three really good kids. We live in a nice, albeit modest, home and life is good. We have our struggles, financial and otherwise, but we are blessed.

I saw a lot of drinking and carousing going on over that weekend. It was like a few of them had just been let out on parole, or perhaps had even escaped some sentence. I mean this in no way to be looking down my nose at anyone (some of the beautiful people seemed content as well) but I can't help but think, where is their contentment? It must not be found in their beauty or their accomplishment. I didn't do all the things I planned when I was just 18 years old, and in fact that girl made some decisions back then that cost me a lot for a lot of years, but somewhere along the line I discovered what really mattered was outside of myself. I came to know and serve a God who loves me and has had a plan and purpose for me since before I even begon to imagine one for myself. That's pretty incredible.

When Neal and I got back from our weekend away (which the best part of was the time together, not the reunion) things were not all as I would have them be. Victoria didn't seem well. She was off and exhausted for several days. Turns out she has strep throat (AGAIN) and she must have been wiped out from the schedule we kept the week before. It really had me stressed. I let myself get quite overwhelmed by it in fact. It rattled me. As I belive I have shared before, it is often the littler things that shake me, more than the real battles, or perhaps even the imagined big things. Victoria has always been such an anomaly with her fainting and propensity towards illness and injury. I think perhaps there has built a stronghold there of fear for her. When she gets sick or even seems strange, it triggers deeper concern from me than when it's the boys. On the one hand there is this vibrant, active, physically strong little girl, but if she is anything but all of that I immediately fear the worst. Funny, as I think of that, I remember that the Lord gave me her name from a scripture, 1 John 5:4. It says, "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith." Her middle name Gayle is for the book of Galatians, where it talks about children of promise. Victoria not only was but IS a child of promise. The first and only time I EVER heard the audible voice of God is when He told me in the midst of an emotional healing from abortion that I would have a daughter. It was 10 years before she came, but for ten years He kept on confirming and confirming that promise over and over again.... No wonder the devil tries to instill fear in my heart over her. God must have a wonderful plan for her life. (I know, of course He does... and forgive me for rambling out my thoughts as I go.)

I've been contemplating changing the name of this blog. Diana on life doesn't quite sum it up. I have considered calling it "Muddling Through," because sometimes I feel like that's what I am doing in this faith walk. There are days when I'm not sure which way is up, but I am always sure of Who does know the way. I often (at times easily) get derailed and don't follow the way that I should, but my Guide remains patient with me. Because He's more than a guide, He is the very breath of life I breathe.

The second half of my week flew by for better reasons, my brother-in-law and his family are here visiting from Virginia. I have two very precious nieces and a nephew who is the cutest of babies. I have a sister-in-law I am loving growing closer to, and getting to know better, even from 3,000 miles away. My brother-in-law has always had a special place in my heart, even if he doesn't always know it. After losing Neal's mom last year and my two little ones never really having a chance to know her, I am grateful for the closeness that is growing with Neal's siblings and their families out of that tragedy. We've had a lot of fun spending time with them.

Well, I have muddled through this post long enough, rambling, finding insight and evenbeing a little scattered. I hope to return with 4 more Days of Praise soon.

No comments: