Thursday, April 30, 2015

READ: A warning ........................... in essay form.

My blogging has been non-existent lately, adding college to the full-time job, mom of 3, and wife life has proven to keep me busy... on top of trying to stay consistent in getting and staying healthy.  It's been crazy, sometimes fun and at time enlightening -- though not always in the best ways. I have had a lot on my mind and not a lot of time to share it (Facebook posts aside.)

My college writing class has been challenging.  I don't love the instructor or her teaching style, a lot of what I hear from my youthful classmates both concerns and saddens me and a lot of the subject matter runs between rubbing my like sandpaper on tender bare skin and stretching me out just past my capacity. But if I am honest, I have to say I am learning, and despite myself I think I am even becoming a better writer.

One assignment in my writing class was to read a Dystopian novel.  A "Dystopia" is an intended Utopian (perfect, ideal) society gone wrong. The books we had to choose from were 1984, A Brave New World, and Fahrenheit 451. I chose the last book, primarily because it is my oldest son's self-proclaimed "favorite novel," and also partly because it was the shortest. It's a story about a future America where books are illegal - illegal to own and illegal to read.  The idea is that allowing causing people to think for themselves is just difficult, divisive and confusing.  And who wants that? (Eye roll.) Being a writer myself was the final draw to the book.

One of the things in this future world that replaces reading and thinking is watching TV.  Only in this future world the TV isn't a box on a table (like it was in 1953 when the book was written and television was just beginning to be commonplace in American homes,) in this future world the TVs were actually wall-sized, and the ideal was a four-walled TV screened parlor.  Fahrenheit 451's protagonist has an unhappy wife because her parlor only had three screens.
The main character of the book is a fireman.  But the firemen of the future aren't the ones who put out the fires, they are the ones who cause them. The firemen of the future's primary responsibility is to burn the books, and the homes they're found in.  It's like thought police on steroids, I suppose.

I'm offering you this background because I'd like to share my essay with you.  It holds a warning for our modern day society if you look closely.  No, we don't have parlors that we walk into to be mindlessly entertained; we have pocket-sized parlors that we pull out of our pockets though. And I think some of author Ray Bradbury's concerns back in 1953 are well highlighted in our modern day 2015.  (I see some of those same concerns coming to light out of the other two novels as well.)  I'm going to share my whole essay below (even my citations). After the essay I am going to share a link to a 15-20 minute survey I am conducting to help me with my final big assignment in my writing class.  It's a research project/ paper about the effect of technology and social media on relationships and families (I'm finding myself a little torn and concerned, with a healthy dash of guilt).  The survey is anonymous, and I would really appreciate your help if you would take a few minutes to fill it out.  (If you don't want to read the essay but are willing to help me out, feel free to page down to the bottom of this page and just click on the survey.)  

Read the essay with an open mind, think a little deeper.  I haven't gotten it back yes, so I can't tell you the grade. I'd love to hear your comments and feedback, (in the thoughts sense, not the critique sense,) so feel free to comment here or on Facebook if that's where you found the link. If you feel inclined, feel free to share.

Blessings,
Diana

No Fire Within

Ray Douglas Bradbury (August 22, 1920 – June 5, 2012) was just twelve years old when he began writing “Buck Rogers stories on his toy-dial typewriter” (Mogen 3).  So perhaps it was the burgeoning author inside of Bradbury who was so deeply disturbed and brought to tears by the sight of the Nazi book burnings that he saw via news reels in a darkened movie theater in Los Angeles, California, as a young teen in 1934 (Weller 198-199). Something about the scene certainly stayed with Bradbury, for in his 1953 novel, Fahrenheit 451, he created a dystopian society where all books had to be burned. Although censors and oppressors would seem like obvious villains in a world like the one Bradbury has created, the author’s criticism seems to be more pointed toward the alleged victims and their refusal to think for themselves—resulting in intentionally mindless endeavors, lack of empathy, conformity, and cowardice. Bradbury is far more critical of these resulting actions and characteristics and their participants than he is of those inflicting the oppressive laws and circumstances in Fahrenheit 451’s world.
It is in a perilous circumstance in which meet Bradbury’s character Mildred Montag.  Completely unconscious as she enters the story, she has attempted suicide, yet again.  However, after her husband Guy, Bradbury’s protagonist and guide through the novel, has had Mildred’s stomach pumped and her blood cleaned, she awakens the next morning as if absolutely nothing has happened the night before (14-19). Mildred represents a symptom of this dystopian population where suicide is so common among them that the treatment for it is routine. It is routine that actually rules Mildred’s world; she spends the bulk of her time daily allowing her mind to be assaulted with the cacophony of the screens in the family’s “parlor.” Mildred’s life has been overcome by her interest only in the fictional “family” who lives on the screen.  So much so, that even her own relationship with her husband is but an empty shell of what a marriage should be.  Something seems to have died inside of Mildred Montag who has stopped thinking for herself, perhaps even stopped thinking much at all. When Mildred’s husband, Guy, tries to open up to her and challenge her to consider that something might be wrong with their world, Mildred simply prefers to withdraw and return to the family on the screen.  Even Mildred’s “friendships” in the story are not centered on real relationship, but rather centered about the mindless entertainment that is blaring in her parlor and the parlors of her friends. Mildred’s only seemingly strong desire is to save up and add the fourth screen (20), presumably  because it will be easier to engage in the mindless watching of the family, and not require her to think deeply about what’s happening in the world around her. The character of Mildred really is a perfect model of someone who is entertaining herself to death, and Bradbury clearly takes issue with the decision to give more concern to an imaginary world rather than her real one.
Mildred Montag’s predilection for mindless entertainment has also apparently birthed in her an overwhelming lack of empathy toward the world around her.  From the way she passively mentions the tragic death of the neighbor, Clarisse (47), to the way she angrily dismisses her husband’s tales of the old woman who burned down with her home and her books (52), to the ultimate ease with which she turns her own husband in for hiding books (114), a complete lack of empathy and concern for others is revealed.  However, Mildred’s lack of empathy is only one example of its widespread presence in Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 dystopian world. Even protagonist Guy Montag, as a fireman, starts the novel joyfully swimming in a sea with no empathy. He and the other firemen have made a career of burning down the homes of those who have books, and he has enjoyed it. “Montag grinned the fierce grin of all men singed and driven back by the flame… It never went away, that smile, it never went away…” (Bradbury 4).  Though no one better personifies a complete lack of empathy than the firemen’s leader, Captain Beatty. Beatty’s commentary on Clarisse’s death is chilling, “The poor girl’s better off dead… Luckily queer ones like her don’t happen often. We know how to nip most of them in the bud, early” (Bradbury 60). There is no compassion, no care, from a man who could quote great philosophers and Holy Scriptures in chapter and verse. Beatty is completely unaffected by the books he has managed to read.
Despite all his knowledge, Beatty actually models far more than a lack of compassion and empathy.  His character is the foremost proponent of perpetuating the injustice of the censorship and oppression happening in Bradbury’s imaginary world. Beatty is a fictitious example comparable to the Nazi Minister of Propaganda, Dr. Paul Joseph Goebbels, in World War II. Goebbels is said to have “put German culture into a Nazi strait jacket” (Shirer 241), with his book burning which was intended to “free” the German people; likewise, Beatty saw himself and the firemen as the protectors of their society. “…we’re the Happiness Boys, the Dixie Duo, you and I and the others. We stand against the small tide of those who want to make everyone unhappy with conflicting theory and thought” (Bradbury 61-62), he assures Montag. Just as Goebbels was the Nazi party’s Minister of Propaganda, Beatty could be seen as Fahrenheit 451’s society’s “preacher of conformity.”  He has the knowledge and opportunity to think for himself, but he not only refuses to do so, he actively sees to it that no one else should think for themselves either. Beatty willfully chooses to conform to a way of life that offers no freedom in thought at all.
Not all conformity comes from active and willful agreement like Captain Beatty’s in Fahrenheit 451. Even more disturbing is those who conform to this oppressive way of the world even when they know the mindset of it is wrong, even when they long to change their world.  Although the character of Professor Faber is presented in a sympathetic light, he highlights how sad it is when a man chooses to live life under an oppression that he knows should not be so.  When Montag first knocks on the professor’s door, “Faber peered out, looking very old in the light and very fragile, and very much afraid” (Bradbury 80). The Professor, a man who loves knowledge and books, has allowed himself to be bullied into the life of a recluse. “He’s not moved to active resistance because, as he tells Montag, he’s a coward” (Reid 58).  Faber is man who knows many things but fails to really do anything with that knowledge. “One of the main functions Faber serves in the novel is to answer some of Montag’s questions and to give him ideas for how to change what he is doing” [emphasis mine] (Reid 58). The worst kind of cowardice is knowing what to do to create change and refusing to personally risk anything to make the change happen.  Bradbury clearly highlights in Faber how ineffective knowledge and wisdom are without the actions necessary to back them up. Faber’s cowardice completely castrates his knowledge’s ability to create change.
Bradbury’s author heart is revealed in Guy Montag’s words to his wife as he realizes there is something sincerely wrong with the way he has responded to what’s happening in his world. Telling Mildred about the way the old woman’s house and books were burned down and her resulting choice to die, he says, “I thought about the books. And for the first time I realized that a man was behind each one of the books. A man had to think them up” (Bradbury 51-52). It’s Montag’s revelation that it is the destruction of independent thinking that has wronged his world more than just the destruction of books. Ironically it is with the external book-burning-fire that what Bradbury truly highlights is the lack of fire within his characters’ hearts. So entertained, so indifferent, so centered on self, Bradbury’s characters have lost all passion and purpose and have no fire in their hearts. Instead their hearts are filled with cowardice, conformity, lack of empathy and mindless pursuits. These are the evils of Ray Bradbury’s dystopian society that are highlighted through the characters in his novel.  Fahrenheit 451 chronicles the internal crisis of Bradbury’s main character, fireman Guy Montag, as he awakens to the censorship and oppression that surrounds him. However, it isn’t with the affliction, or even those who impose the affliction, that Bradbury takes issue, but rather it is his characters’ responses to the oppression—or worse, their unquestioning cooperation with it. Perhaps it would behoove America’s modern day society to consider Bradbury’s warnings in Fahrenheit 451. Modern day “parlors” may be hand-held in purses and pockets rather than taking up walls in entire rooms, but the risk of being attached to and subdued by people on screens and entertained to a dangerous distraction is certainly a very real concern. One can only hope that this real-life, modern-day America is not standing atop of a very slippery slope.



Works Cited
Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451: The 50th Anniversary Edition. 2nd ed. New York: Random House Group, 1991. Print.
Mogen, David. "The Life behind the Myth: From Green Town to the Future." Ray Bradbury. Boston: Twayne, 1986. 1-13. Print.
Reid, Robin Anne. "Fahrenheit 451 (1953)." Ray Bradbury: A Critical Companion. Westport, CT: Greenwood, 2000. 53-62. Print.
Shirer, William L. "Life in the Third Reich: 1933-37." The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2011. 231-76. Print.

Weller, Sam. "Fahrenheit 451." The Bradbury Chronicles: The Life of Ray Bradbury. New York: William Morrow, 2005. 198-212. Print.

Click here to go to the survey, 
or copy and paste https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/DianaEssay into your browser. 

Friday, February 27, 2015

Following Jesus isn't the American Dream

Sometimes from the outside looking in, obedience doesn't look at all what you would think it should.  And I know that some of what the Lord is calling me to right now definitely doesn't "make sense on paper," and yet, I have never felt more sure that I was hearing his guiding voice - in a step by step manner like never before.  And yet, I am certain it is very susceptible to being misjudged.  And for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I am in a place where I don't have to get hung up on that.  There is a freedom in that regard that I have never experienced quite like this before. 

Life is full of twists and turns - on a dime sometime, you feel like you and the Lord are moving steadily in a positive direction and then "it happens."  The "it" is not cookie cutter shaped, it's different for everyone.  It manifests itself in a lot of painful, stress-inducing and difficult ways.  But we all recognize it when we find ourselves there. 

The typical response is to turn to the the Lord and cry out to Him with a resounding "WHY???"  Because in our minds and emotions, things seem better and the Lord brighter when everything is going "as it should" - however we may define  that direction. 

My heart is aching tonight - anxiety is banging at the heart of my door at demanding to take up residence there.  He makes an excellent argument for me to allow him in.  

But I find myself in the midst of this dark and very uncertain season that the Lord Himself is the Keeper of my heart, and He says anxiety has no right to visit, much less live there. 

It occurs to me, as a Christian, how much I would like for life to run smoothly. I would like blessings to flow in a constant shower.  I want security, and provision, and I want things to be uneventful and everything to continually go well - happy marriage, good kids, secure job, a nice home, a good car.  But what I have come to realize is this, following Jesus isn't the American Dream. 

And Jesus didn't come and give His life and die on the cross to give me the American Dream.  He came to give me Himself.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I find myself far more aware of His presence in the darkness and the difficulty than I ever do in the pseudo-peaceful status quo of a life uninterrupted. 

I shared recently (or whenever I last blogged, I think) that the Lord has been asking two things of me - to live life open-handed, and to trust Him to fill my lack with His grace - it's sufficient, you see. 

Today I find myself at a dime - yesterday life seemed positive and bright and now this darn looking cloud has come in with a heavy threatening storm, and I cannot see what lies ahead.  In these past few months the Lord has been speaking to my heart and continually reminding me to trust Him, step by step.  I haven't always known where he was leading, but I have at least felt like the Light loomed bright enough that the uncertainty could be ignored.

Now the uncertainty seems to have taken center stage, but what occurs to me is that even though circumstances might have changed, the Lord has not, and just as I could trust him in lighter days, so can I trust Him in the darker ones too.  That is a life lesson we all learn, but we tend to forget in the daytime.  But God is Lord of the night too, and He is just as deserving of our trust there as He is any other time or place. 

I have had these moments lately, where I have had a very clear understanding of just how small this life is.  For some it is everything, the 70 or 80 years one hopes to live on this earth are everything that believe for and their desire is to make their mark, and live life to the fullest.  But for me, I have lately, a few times, gotten a glimpse of its tiny insignificance in the giant eternal picture of what my life actually is as a Christian.  And even if I have to suffer horribly for the rest of my life, it would not compare to the eternity I have that lies ahead.  It's a profound truth that God has been trying to etch into my heart in a deeper way. 

My want for blessings has not been unmet - in fact they have poured down in a way I never could have even comprehended, they just don't look like anything I might have imagined - and they don't look at all like the American Dream. 

My blessing is the Lord Himself, and His very real and intimate love and care for me, yes physically speaking, but in all sincerity that is such a teeny tiny part of it, and the portion least important.  What matters is the God Who guides and leads and loves me in ways I cannot even fully comprehend. 

Jehovah Jireh - the Lord who provides - EVERYTHING. 

Jehovah Rapha - the Lord who heals, not just the body, but the very soul. 

Jehovah Nissi - the Lord my Banner. 

Jehovah-Rohi - the Lord my Shepherd, He leads and guides me everyday. 

El-Roi - The God who sees me, He is mindful of me continually. 

Jehovah-Tsidkenu - the Lord, my Righteousness. He has clothed me with Himself. 

Jehovah-Shalom - the Lord my Peace. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

No, following Jesus isn't the American Dream - but it is so much more than that.  The Lord didn't come to give me creation, He came to give me the very Creator of the universe.  How foolish am I when I seek His hand when He is calling me to seek His face. 

God, I am so blessed.  Come what may, I have Christ - and that is everything. 


Friday, February 13, 2015

No more hero minded men.

A few weeks ago Ethan mentioned seeing his sister in the office at school.  So like any good mom would do, I checked in with her to find out what was going on.  Turns out that some of the boys on their campus were being pretty inappropriate and even lewd.  She and several other girls in her class decided to take it to the administration, and that's what Ethan caught sight of.

When I called her to ask her about it I had her on speaker phone, and I didn't think to tell her that her brothers were listening. So she shared about what had been going on and why she and her friends had felt the need to go to leadership.  I was very proud of Toria and her friends for what I saw as both boldness and bravery.

After I hung up the phone with her Ethan proceeded to tell me a story about his interaction with the boy who was the primary culprit - a kid who isn't at their school because it's Christian and he and his family share Christian values, but he's there because he has repeatedly been asked to leave other schools.  Now don't get me wrong, I can see value in him being there, maybe he can be impacted in a positive way, but I also know that means that he isn't even really going to have a clue about the "Christian standard" of what's right and wrong.  Whether you agree or disagree about what a Christian standard is or should be, one of my favorite things about having my kids in a Christian school is the ability to treat God's word as an authority, and one we are expected to hold to.

So, anyway, back to Ethan.  He told me that he was in the locker one day, and this young man, who I'll call "Maynard," was harassing and making inappropriate comments to two of the girls from his class.  Ethan told me how he got in between the boy and the two girls and told him in no uncertain terms to shut his mouth, that it was NOT ok to be talking the way he was to the girls.  After an idle threat about knowing martial arts and kicking Ethan's ass, E's desired effect was accomplished and he walked away and left the girls alone.  They thanked him and life moved on.

As we talked in the car Ethan wanted to know what would have happened if he's punched the guy.  I told him he could not throw the first punch, and probably shouldn't throw the second one.  Last school year Ethan was shoved all the way across the locker room by another boy who hurt his wrist in the process of trying to push E.  In response Ethan gave a LIGHT push to the guy's shoulder and asked him, "What the heck?"  BOTH boys received the same suspension, under the guise the the other boy got hurt, and because their class in particular had been dealt a zero tolerance policy on touching.  I am still a little bitter about the whole situation in that Ethan had an N on his permanent report card, and equal time for unequal crimes irks my justice oriented sensibilities, but I digress.  The reality was, that in THIS situation, I was EXTREMELY proud of my son that defending these girls was his go to response.  And if the kid took a swing at Ethan, I would have a hard time telling him to turn the other cheek - even though that could definitely be argued as an appropriate Christian standard.  I was proud of my son for his hero potential.

Now, I've gone back to school, and the theme of my College Writing class (they apparently have themes these days) is "Justice."  I, personally, am all about justice and have to make a concerted effort to remember Christ is all about grace.  (Though in His infinite wisdom He manages to have them live in symbiosis in a way I cannot.) In my college writing classes there have been a lot of conversations about standing AGAINST injustice.  The theme of our first essay is about how "Silence perpetuates injustice." And one day during discussion we were being asked about our personal mindsets and experiences about what we have done or would do or even are doing about standing up for injustice.  And my heart really sank as I heard the bulk of the classroom's mindset turn towards not taking a stand.

One particular example was "what would you do if you saw a guy beating his girlfriend up on the street?"  And this one young man about 19 or so said, "Why should I step in to stop it? What if his homeboys are around the corner and they come after me?"  I have to be honest, I lost all potential of even a smidgen of respect for this kid.  I was flabbergasted.  I could not believe he said it.

See, I'm married to a really laid back and for the most part passive guy, but if we were on the street and Neal saw some guy hitting a woman, he would be like a fly on crap all over the situation with absolutely zero regard for himself, I'm sure of it.  My husband has great hero potential, and in my mind, that's the way it ought to be!  How do you not step in on a situation like that?  I am a woman, and I'm pretty sure even I would be looking for something big and heavy to swing at a guy hitting a girl, or a kid, or a dog... I'd speak up.

But can I be real here? Now I find myself a little concerned about my younger son as he'll be heading off to public high school next fall.  I'm a little worried about locker room talk and inappropriate treatment of girls on campus.  And the pride I have for the son who stood up at his Christian school turns to a little anxiety about the young man who may stand alone in a similar circumstance on his new campus.  But would I want him to turn against what he knows in his heart is right? Absolutely not.  But I am a little worried for him.

I think guys like my Neal and my Ethan might be a dying breed.  People don't stick up for other people when it means it could cost them personally.  I think there is a calculated risk mentality that is turning a lot of people into cowards.  If it isn't cowardice, it is at the very least selfishness.  People won't fight for what's right, fair and just if it means they will have to lump a consequence to the risk.  And I think that's a sad statement about society today and the direction it's come.
I don't really know what my question is, much less what the answers are, but I do know that I would rather have my son be a man I can respect for doing the right thing even if it costs him then have him be a guy who looks the other way just to keep the safety or benefit of his own status quo.  The world needs more hero minded men, but I'm just not sure they're still out there.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Open-handed and great grace

So I start school in 3 days.  THREE DAYS. After 23 years of NOT being in school I got the bright idea I should go back.  Why? I don't know.  To study what? I'm not sure.  What am I going to do? I have not a clue.  But I am going and it all starts Monday.

My first thought is that I'd really like to go back to 1988 and slap around the young woman who graduated high school with 18 units of college credit from her AP tests in her senior year.  "Stay in school!" I'd scream at her.  And then I would hunt her and stalk her and make sure she got her butt to class every day and did her homework all the time... you know a lot like I do to my own children now.  But alas there is no going back.  So instead I resent and regret her and do my best to move forward with today.

Today I am gulping down deep breaths.  I got an email from one of my professors yesterday (all 3 of whom I am pretty certain are going to be younger than me... my fear is MUCH younger than me.) Anyway, professor #1 of my Critical Thinking/ Reading class that is primarily online but requires one hour of a week of lab work has warned that if I think I will get through her class without committing AT LEAST 10 hours a week to it, I am sorely mistaken.  And that is like the worst kind of mistaken.  So suddenly it occurs to me, all my classes may be like that, which means 3 classes x 10 hours a week = 30 hours a week for schoolwork, not to mention the 4 hours every Monday night I will be spending in my College Writing class.  Gulp. (I'm also taking a math class online). That of course is all on top of my full time job and being a wife and mom.  Can I get a "What the hell were you thinking?"

I don't know.  I wasn't. I just know this really, REALLY felt like the direction God was moving me - again without a plan, an understanding or any insight at all.  I just took the step of faith and signed up.  Then God provided financial aid to pay for the classes. Then I had MY plan for what I wanted to sign up for and I felt God draw me a slightly different direction. Then I got ALL THREE of the classes I felt HE was telling me to sign up for, and that was after everyone told me the likelihood of that actually happening was nil.  So, felt like a double confirmation. So I press on.

But now I find myself actually staring directly down the barrel of the school shotgun and all the imagining of what it is going to be like will soon fade into what will be real. I've been warning my family about the challenges that are ahead.  Last night my daughter called in a panic over something she forgot and needed me to run to the store for. I told her that soon those last minute "mini-crises" were not going to take top priority.  This morning I lectured both her and her brother about how much more important personal responsibility and planning ahead was about to become.  Mom rescue will be on hiatus.

I've warned my hubby too.  He's really willing to step up and said so, but dinners, bedtimes, practices, rehearsals, homework and the like are all about to slide smooth like spaghetti off of my plate and onto his.  That's going to be new, and maybe a challenge to his laid back nature when schedules and deadlines have to be kept.  Even as I type this my heart starts to palpitate. Only one of us has an issue with things not going as they're supposed to, and newsflash: it isn't him.

So, I've been praying, maybe more than usual about what's ahead.  I've been praying a LOT. Mostly the "dear God help me" kind of prayers, but also quite a few of the "God are you sure about this?" variety as well.  So far He has yet to relent.

He keeps speaking two things to me: (1) Be open handed.  I have to let go of how I think things ought to be.  If one of my kids gets a D on their science project or forgets their homework or fails a test, I don't get to get in a tizzy and have a fit.  I need to let life and natural consequences take their course.  If I miss a deadline, or do poorly on an exam, it will not be the end of the world.  All I can do is the best I can do.  If there is a week that my family has to eat cheap Del Taco three nights in a row, I have to be ok.  If the kids miss their bedtimes or whatever I know the Lord is saying, "Let it go." Life happens.  As the Lord and I have this "discussion" while I am walking trying to get my 10K steps a day you might find me talking to him and literally lifting my hand and opening my palm and pushing it toward heaven, like releasing a bird, "open handed." Check. Because that is TOTALLY my personality.... NOT.

The second thing He keeps speaking to my heart is a verse. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Over and over and over again I hear this. I feel like this is the theme verse for the days that lie ahead.  And can I just be honest with you? That scares me a little lot.... And it gives me hope.  Because in the midst of missed or messed up meals, on the days I feel like an absolute failure as a wife, woman, mom and/or student, I am anticipating (hoping, begging, believing) that God, always true to His word will step in, and I will find His grace in a new and abounding way.  Oh Lord, I hope that's what I hear you saying!

But it's not going to be easy.  I have a lot to overcome, primarily my own personality that will react overreact, fight and struggle to keep everything "just so," And I am going to have to stop myself and choose to remember this revelation now in advance that will be hard to recollect in the midst of chaos and busyness.  There will be a lot of days I need reminders to be open-handed and walk in grace, and live in a bigger more eternal perspective than the tyranny of the urgent and perfectionism that comes more naturally to me.  Lots of deep breaths and hail mary prayers ahead.

So if you see me in the moment overwhelmed, reacting or overreacting, in panic or freak out mode, please feel free, from a careful distance of course, to just say "Hey Diana, you're living open-handed, right?"  Or if you care to be more diplomatic simply remind, "Diana, God's grace is great, isn't it!"  Because I can pretty much guarantee you, I will need the refresher course.  And if your willing, say a prayer for me and my family on this new adventure.  It would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Diana

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Planning change

Oh boy. Hey friends.

I'm super excited this morning because upon my arrival to work I have already walked 3,207 steps of my 10,000 steps per day goal.  My husband bought me a Fitbit for Christmas and it has stirred up my competitive spirit, even if I am only competing with myself (that might be the best person to compete with.)

Two years ago at this time I was at the point of a 50 lb weight loss. Today I am almost 25 pounds UP from that point.  That's not a very happy place to be.  I am 13 lbs down from where I was this past November 1st, but 14 lbs up from where I was the November before.  Up and down, up and down.  But I've decided I don't want to focus on being skinny but being healthy.  And I feel like that is something I am moving towards- eating right for my body since the beginning of November (except for a horrible lost 10 days surrounding Christmas) and since the 28th of December upping my activity level considerably. (Since December 28th I have walked over 60 miles, and over 135,000 steps.)

So I have digressed because this post isn't actually about my successes, but about my plans for continuing to be successful, and wondering how that's going to happen since in just a couple weeks, I am going back to college after a (cough) 22 year absence... I find myself looking ahead and wondering what I was thinking signing up for this... and signing up for not one, not two, but THREE classes.  So this morning I find some encouragement in being able to up my step level in the mornings like I have for the last couple days because I think maybe just MAYBE I'll be able to continue to work in my 10,000 steps a day along with school work, homework, papers and whatever else may come.

So I am planning.  Without vision the people perish, right?  Isn't that what the Bible says?  Oh and on top of my physical goals and my school goals, did I mention I intend to read through my Bible in a year again this year, chronologically.  Because I need to be in the Word too.  Please note, this list of goals and intentions is not so far listed in priority. It's just all on the buffet and all what I would like to put on my plate, in addition to my full-time job and being a wife to Neal and mama to my three kids.  Plus I still have my Tuesday night Bible study group and Bunco once a month and other friends I want to stay actively connected to.  Because, relationship matters as well.

So like I said, I walked into work this morning pleased with my step count so far because it gave me hope, and in my mind I started to plan.... In the mornings I will go like I have the last two days.  I have three classes, one online, one that is a hybrid that requires an hour of lab on campus each week and one that has me in a classroom every Monday for 4 hours. Totally doable, right? I will do homework on this night at this time and I will cook these meals on these days...

As I was full of good planning and intention this morning with my 3,000+ step count by 9 am I heard a Bible passage in my brain.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." James 4:13-16

Ouch. Here I am thinking and planning, I'll do homework here and I'll walk there, and I'll meet so and so for coffee then...  The reality is I have no clue how this is going to go.  I don't know what the reading load or the homework will be like, or how busy things will be at work or if and when my kids will get sick or need a ride or if the weather will trap me indoors and prevent my walks, I don't know anything.  And all this silly specific planning in my mind is futile.  I cannot begin to plan for the changes ahead because so many of the factors are completely unknown to me.

That's when another verse played in my head.

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:31-34

Ok, deep breath.  I cannot plan for tomorrow because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know Who holds tomorrow, and the rest of the weeks and months that lie ahead, with all the activities that are on my calendar or are soon coming.  I don't know, but God knows. So I am going to lay aside my plans for the specific changes on the horizon and focus on my general intentions, and those I will plan to do my best to follow through on. 

I will continue to put my Bible by the side of my bed so that I read God's Word first thing in the mornings.  Weather permitting I will try to have mornings like today to get many steps in before I get to work.  I will try to meal plan for my family, and I will try to schedule my homework so Bible study and Bunco night are not affected.  I will do my best to be healthy and make meal plans and make healthy choices spirit, mind and body. And I will know that I will not be able (probably) to do everything I want to do every day.  And I think I have decided not to measure my success in the number of steps, grades, gourmet meals cooked or pounds lost.  I'm going to try very hard to be successful in those things, but those things will not be my focus. 

I'm going to fix my eyes on the Who, and on His agenda, not mine.  I believe going back to school was a God idea and not just a good idea and I feel strongly that being healthy and fit to serve are part of his plan, and I know time with Him in prayer and His Word need to be a definite priority. My job has to be done properly and I have to be the wife and mama in this family. So even if my prayers are mostly the "God, please help me," and I occasionally fall a day or two behind in my reading along the way (think Leviticus and Deuteronomy), or I flub an assignment, I know God's grace is greater.  I know succeed or fail if I draw close to Him, He'll draw close to me.  And I know His power will be made perfect in my weakness. I know He has promised to work ALL things together for my good because I love Him, and I am called according to His purpose.  I may not have all this covered, but I know God does. 

So, as far as planning change ahead goes, I know change is coming, I can plan on it - but as for God, He is the same yesterday, today and forever and I can REALLY count on Him!  Feel free to pray for me if you're willing over the next few weeks and months.  I'm certain I'll need it.  And if you see me panicking a little, or becoming overwhelmed, remind me God's got this and to just get my focus back on him. 

Peace, 
Diana 

Monday, January 5, 2015

The purpose of altars.

Friends,

I am just going to be very honest here and confess, lately I feel a lot like my mind and my faith are under attack.  When I think about God and eternity, my mind is easily overwhelmed. It's almost as though I hear a little whisper behind me that says "It can't really be true."  Sometimes lately, "the Greatest Story ever told" feels just like that, a story.

Even as I am reading my bible, a place where I would hope strength for my faith would always be found, I find myself falling into a battle with doubt. "How can this be?" I think.  "That sounds so crazy," I mutter under my breath. And there is a catch in chest. I ask myself, "What if none of it is true?"

I don't think this is a strange experience for believers.  Though I think most of us won't talk about it, or admit it out loud, I imagine we all have these battles of the mind.  Because honestly, living forever sounds crazy, especially when I am tired.  I cannot begin to imagine going on and on in eternity when I'm tired.  Heaven is a concept I cannot full grasp.

It's kind of crazy for me because I am "a woman of the Word."  I love the scriptures, I have friends who refer to me as their source when they want to know what the Bible says about something or where it says it.  I love words in general, they have great value to me, but the Word of God, well, that's Jesus Himself, and I can't begin to express the "higher level" that takes the value of His Word to for me.

And despite that I find myself battling lately with the Word, and what I believe about it.  And yet, at the same time, strangely, I don't.

Even as I am working through my thoughts and struggles I think about what the Word says about the last days, and the "Great Apostasy" that will come - the days and times when MANY who know the Word, and are followers and faithful believers in Christ will fall away and stop believing.  I believe there is evidence of this happening all around us.  And so I am mindful of the possibility that my battles are exactly a part of that.

Or perhaps not, maybe it's just part of the process of "going deeper" with God.  A lot of folks don't like their authority or expertise being questioned.  You find that mindset among pastors, teachers, parents, bosses - our egos get in and if we are convinced of what we know, we are not ok with that "truth" (little t) being questioned.  But God has no ego, and I don't think He is at all intimidated by the questions, struggles and doubts of His own.  Maybe that's what "working out one's salvation" is all about.  Working through the questions with the Lord is a right response, even if you're struggling with doubts about Him.

One thing has kept me anchored through these recent battles.  It's the "altars" I've built in my life.  There are different stories in the Bible where God called people to build altars. He told Jacob to build an altar where he had battled with God, Noah built an altar after the flood, and the Israelites built an altar where they crossed the Jordan.  God commanded them to do this.

Why? I think because these "altars" represent more than head knowledge of faith - these altars are built as reminders of people's very personal interactions with God.  Noah had done the crazy and ridiculous at God's command, and as crazy as it sounds, after the waters subsided, I think Noah in is humanness was at risk of forgetting that what saved Him was the clear voice of the Lord that called him (Noah to radical obedience.)  In quieter days ahead as life had gone on, I think Noah was likely to forget Yahweh wasn't just God, He was Noah's God. You won't find piles of stones in my backyard or anything, but I have places that I have written down, spoken of, and I refer to, where I know God met me.

As I look at all the things that I read and learn and hear about God and from His Word, it is easy to have my mind overwhelmed.  But, BUT, I can look back on my life in places that God met me personally, and spoke to or directed me personally (yes, He does that) and whatever my head may argue, my heart cannot deny that God is not just God, but He is my God, and He loves me, has (and will again) ministered to me in a very real and personal way.  And He has called me to a very specific life that He has chosen for me, even when I cannot begin to fathom exactly what that is.

Altars are what we need to "build" in those places God has called us to step out in faith.  They need to be built in the places that God provided when no one else could.  They are the intimate moments of worship where His presence is felt, they are the touches from heaven, whether healing, help or hope that only God can provide.

Walking with Christ does not mean we will never question or doubt, but it should mean that more than head knowledge, there are altars placed where the personal knowledge of the God of the universe who loves us individually, intimately and personally can be looked upon to help us hang on as we work through the struggles.

If you are in that place where God is guiding and directing, where he has shown Himself faithful and provided, then build your altar there today. And if you are struggling, feeling lonely, lost or overwhelmed, look back, look carefully, find them, the undeniable Truth (big T) of your altars is there.

Blessings,
Diana