Going to reveal a little truth about myself. Shocking, I know. I never do that! (I speak sarcasm fluently.)
Anyway, here goes. Do you remember the little Pigpen character from the Peanuts comics? He's the one who wanders around with the little dust cloud following him. Everywhere he goes, that dingy (din-jee) cloud is his constant companion. Most days, I feel a lot like him. I'm walking around in the midst of my own dark little cloud that I can't seem to shake. No, mine isn't dirt, in the physical sense, but it's spiritual filth, and it is the constant cloud of rejection.
Almost anywhere I go in my life, I walk in with the anticipation of rejection. There is a very small list of people in my life who I truly and completely feel loved AND ACCEPTED by. The caps are to indicate that it's not just the love, because there are actually a lot of people who I think love me-- or I at least think they think they love me, which for me is almost as good, but very few who I feel like ACCEPT me as I am. I could probably count on one hand (with 2 or 3 fingers to spare) the friends in my life who I really feel genuinely like AND ACCEPT me just as I am. With most people I sense more tolerance than acceptance, and it hurts.
I'm not telling you this (to anyone who might actually be reading it) to feel sorry for me, I'm just sharing a struggle. See, the way I see it, too often as Christians, we aren't willing to be open and honest about the things we struggle with, and rather than hoping for the victory that comes by having things in the open where Light can shine on them, we keep them hidden behind a happy face where they fester and rot, and sometimes the struggle gets stronger than our faith to be free of it.
I think I have felt this way for a long time. Maybe I have always felt this way-- a sense of guilt, of not being good enough, a fear of not measuring up. You might guess it's birthed out of my own dislike for myself, but that isn't true, I do like myself. Or should I ACCEPT myself, even with my faults. No, that's not the same thing as accepting my faults, I actually strive to be a better person all the time, but it is just to say, I am OK with who I am-- I just really don't believe that most other people are.
Sometimes this sense of rejection manifests itself as a sense of loneliness. That has definitely been the case in the last year with the magnitude of loss I have experienced in relationship. Thankfully it isn't something I experience in my own home. I really do believe my husband (mostly) accepts me for who I am, even though I know it drives him a little crazy at times. And I do not struggle with God's love and ACCEPTANCE. I know He meant it when He said that "He who began a good work in me will complete until the day of Christ." I know he is infinitely patient with me, and that I'm a work in process He will not give up on until I am the Masterpiece He intended for me to be.
That root of confidence in God's love and ACCEPTANCE of me (as a person, not what I do, but who I am) and the love and ACCEPTANCE of my husband helps me get through the constant pain I feel from not really feeling like I am wanted/ loved/ ACCEPTED/ belonging in any other area of my life. It's a lot like riding in waves of surf on the beach. There is no logical rhythm to the highs and lows I experience. Many days I manage fine, the "tide is out" and the cloud of rejection I feel is at a minimum. Other times it will come up unexpectedly and knock be down into the sand, I'll feel beaten and bruised. And other times it sucks me out where the sense of rejection is deep. I have a very hard time getting my bearings there and I cannot often swim back to shore without help. God usually has to pull His lifeguard move when things get that dark, but thankfully He is faithful not to leave me in that place.
I share all this to say that being a believer in Christ doesn't make us immune to the emotional difficulties of life. So often we look around at one another and think everyone else has it so together, and we alone have our secret struggles. The truth is, everybody has a little cloud in their life, yes some people may truly have a better handle on it, but none of us is without a battle. But better yet, whatever battle you might be facing, you can be confident of this, if you are a follower of Christ, God won't leave you there.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Crisis of Faith
Shame on any of us who would dare to speak as though we have God all figured out, or act as though we can anticipate Him. I know I myself have had times where I have walked in this kind of confidence. I think it's large groups of people walking around in exactly this kind of confidence that might be dividing the church.
The Bible says that God's ways are not our ways, and His knowledge is so high that we can never attain it. And yet how many of us dare to speak for Him? As if somehow we know exactly what He is thinking, or exactly how He will respond to us, or worse, to someone else.
I come from a somewhat charismatic background, though the "Holy Spirit driven" atmosphere that I started my walk of faith in greatly waned over the years. God has moved us somewhere now where I see much less of the "charismatic" than what I grew in, and yet, where we are now is solidly and completely scripturally sound. Or at least, I think it is... And yet I know many who are much farther down the "charismatic scale, and they are in (seemingly) good strong churches where God seems to be moving as well.
Someone grabbed hold of my husband's arm last night and "read" him according to his personal Holy Spirit meter, "You're pretty light," he said, as if he carried some sort of spiritual authority. The bible says out words are to "build up" and my thought was that his comment was completely contrary to that, so is that the marker of "not of God" that I saw? He told us story after story before that about a "deliverance ministry" of sorts, casting demons off people. I know that is possible-- Jesus did it, and before He ascended He told the disciples they would do "greater works" than He with the help of the Holy Spirit. So is it possible for those things to happen? Yes. But through out our whole conversation the word that I heard most out of his mouth, was "I"... I, I, I....
Finally I said, "you know it's not you, right?" He said, "The Bible says I will have power." I said, "The Bible says apart from Christ you can do NOTHING." People thinking that God using them makes them special, it's dangerous ground. If they begin to believe the power is their own? To prophesy, to heal, even to minister... I don't want that from any MAN (or woman) I want it only from the Lord. And yes God uses broken (sinful, prideful, WRONG) vessels, but there has to be room for Him to pour through, and that's not possible when someone is full of SELF.
I have times in my life where I know God has spoken to me-- promises made, directions given, encouragement bestowed-- and I think of the scripture that says "Wisdom is justified by her children." A secular equivalent might be "The proof is in the pudding." I can tell you that God promised me a daughter long before she came, but if she never came, then he didn't promise. But if I can point to her and show you she's here, can I claim I truly heard Him, or would you call it a coincidence.
"The Church." Jesus wasn't referring to a small group of people who met in a single building, but that's how we have redefined it. "My church..." and we are speaking of the small congregation of people coming together under one roof. But Jesus was talking about all who followed Him. Even pastors can become guilty of felling competitive instead of camaraderie. They won't partner or interact with another body outside their denomination or even outside their walls for fear of losing some tithing congregant to another "church." (They're not all like that, but some are.)
There is such a wide berth of belief and practice-- The extreme charismatic of a proclaimed "flow" all the way to the driest most ritualistic of beliefs. The gift of tongues- some believe, some do not. They either exist or they don't. Prophesy? Some walk around spouting it at will, can they actually do that? (Since it has to be of God to be real, and not of themselves) to those who believe the "time of prophecy" was only in the early days of the church. But why would God do that? Would He do that?
I am asking. I am asking for wisdom. The Bible says if I lack wisdom I should ask of God because He GIVES it liberally and without finding fault. What does that look like? How do I know it's him. Oh yes, wisdom is justified by her children. But how do I know when I am listening? Does He speak? The Bible says He is the Good Shepherd and His sheep know his voice. He must have a voice.
This I know: Christ and Him crucified. My "crisis" of faith is not in my salvation. I have absolutely no doubt who Jesus was, or what He did, and what it means for me. But I feel like, in this moment, it's the only thing I am absolutely positive and certain of. That and the times in the past that He has given me wisdom and direction, and it has already proven true. Though some might call it coincidence.
That basis of faith is so simple, but nothing else about following Christ is uncomplicated. If I am this overwhelmed and caught in the cross hairs of the diversified practices and beliefs of "churches" then how much more confusing must it be for the unbeliever?
I feel like my foundation is being shaken. I feel like I really don't know anything. And the many or any who might want to come along and "tell me" what they know to try to bring me the clarity they feel so confident they have, and are so certain they can offer me... I want to say, "Show me where the Word of God says that." I have had seasons where I felt like I knew where God wanted me, or I at least I knew I was on the right track. Right now I have no sense of that at all.
Am I at the right church? I feel like if I told them some of my story they would think me crazy, dangerous even. But when I think of them I think of their love. The Bible says that His people will be known by their love. That's good. But is that God reminding me of that scripture? Is He "speaking" to me? I don't have a sense of belonging there, and yet, it is a good place to be.
I look at my life and I feel like poor decisions up to this point have stuck me in a very precarious position, and I can look back and see things I wish I would have done differently. But if I had taken some other path, the good things in my life would be different too, right? So can it have been a mistake? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!!
Love and worship... love and worship... it's the last thing I THINK I felt confident I heard from the Lord. It comes back to that. But did I hear Him? Can I? I don't know, because right now, He seems quiet. But did He ever speak. The proof has been in the pudding at times, but in one "church" may would see it, and others might question my sanity... I feel a little crazy, I might side with those.
Christ and Him crucified. It's like looking into a huge mosaic of broken pieces of misguided, well-intended, confused and confident people, beliefs and practices, and all I can make out of the picture is a cross in the middle. The Cross of Christ, it is the only anchor to which I feel I can hold to with confidence.
Lord speak, Your servant is listening desperately. But will You? Do You? I do not know. And yet you have... or was it coincidence?
The Bible says that God's ways are not our ways, and His knowledge is so high that we can never attain it. And yet how many of us dare to speak for Him? As if somehow we know exactly what He is thinking, or exactly how He will respond to us, or worse, to someone else.
I come from a somewhat charismatic background, though the "Holy Spirit driven" atmosphere that I started my walk of faith in greatly waned over the years. God has moved us somewhere now where I see much less of the "charismatic" than what I grew in, and yet, where we are now is solidly and completely scripturally sound. Or at least, I think it is... And yet I know many who are much farther down the "charismatic scale, and they are in (seemingly) good strong churches where God seems to be moving as well.
Someone grabbed hold of my husband's arm last night and "read" him according to his personal Holy Spirit meter, "You're pretty light," he said, as if he carried some sort of spiritual authority. The bible says out words are to "build up" and my thought was that his comment was completely contrary to that, so is that the marker of "not of God" that I saw? He told us story after story before that about a "deliverance ministry" of sorts, casting demons off people. I know that is possible-- Jesus did it, and before He ascended He told the disciples they would do "greater works" than He with the help of the Holy Spirit. So is it possible for those things to happen? Yes. But through out our whole conversation the word that I heard most out of his mouth, was "I"... I, I, I....
Finally I said, "you know it's not you, right?" He said, "The Bible says I will have power." I said, "The Bible says apart from Christ you can do NOTHING." People thinking that God using them makes them special, it's dangerous ground. If they begin to believe the power is their own? To prophesy, to heal, even to minister... I don't want that from any MAN (or woman) I want it only from the Lord. And yes God uses broken (sinful, prideful, WRONG) vessels, but there has to be room for Him to pour through, and that's not possible when someone is full of SELF.
I have times in my life where I know God has spoken to me-- promises made, directions given, encouragement bestowed-- and I think of the scripture that says "Wisdom is justified by her children." A secular equivalent might be "The proof is in the pudding." I can tell you that God promised me a daughter long before she came, but if she never came, then he didn't promise. But if I can point to her and show you she's here, can I claim I truly heard Him, or would you call it a coincidence.
"The Church." Jesus wasn't referring to a small group of people who met in a single building, but that's how we have redefined it. "My church..." and we are speaking of the small congregation of people coming together under one roof. But Jesus was talking about all who followed Him. Even pastors can become guilty of felling competitive instead of camaraderie. They won't partner or interact with another body outside their denomination or even outside their walls for fear of losing some tithing congregant to another "church." (They're not all like that, but some are.)
There is such a wide berth of belief and practice-- The extreme charismatic of a proclaimed "flow" all the way to the driest most ritualistic of beliefs. The gift of tongues- some believe, some do not. They either exist or they don't. Prophesy? Some walk around spouting it at will, can they actually do that? (Since it has to be of God to be real, and not of themselves) to those who believe the "time of prophecy" was only in the early days of the church. But why would God do that? Would He do that?
I am asking. I am asking for wisdom. The Bible says if I lack wisdom I should ask of God because He GIVES it liberally and without finding fault. What does that look like? How do I know it's him. Oh yes, wisdom is justified by her children. But how do I know when I am listening? Does He speak? The Bible says He is the Good Shepherd and His sheep know his voice. He must have a voice.
This I know: Christ and Him crucified. My "crisis" of faith is not in my salvation. I have absolutely no doubt who Jesus was, or what He did, and what it means for me. But I feel like, in this moment, it's the only thing I am absolutely positive and certain of. That and the times in the past that He has given me wisdom and direction, and it has already proven true. Though some might call it coincidence.
That basis of faith is so simple, but nothing else about following Christ is uncomplicated. If I am this overwhelmed and caught in the cross hairs of the diversified practices and beliefs of "churches" then how much more confusing must it be for the unbeliever?
I feel like my foundation is being shaken. I feel like I really don't know anything. And the many or any who might want to come along and "tell me" what they know to try to bring me the clarity they feel so confident they have, and are so certain they can offer me... I want to say, "Show me where the Word of God says that." I have had seasons where I felt like I knew where God wanted me, or I at least I knew I was on the right track. Right now I have no sense of that at all.
Am I at the right church? I feel like if I told them some of my story they would think me crazy, dangerous even. But when I think of them I think of their love. The Bible says that His people will be known by their love. That's good. But is that God reminding me of that scripture? Is He "speaking" to me? I don't have a sense of belonging there, and yet, it is a good place to be.
I look at my life and I feel like poor decisions up to this point have stuck me in a very precarious position, and I can look back and see things I wish I would have done differently. But if I had taken some other path, the good things in my life would be different too, right? So can it have been a mistake? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!!
Love and worship... love and worship... it's the last thing I THINK I felt confident I heard from the Lord. It comes back to that. But did I hear Him? Can I? I don't know, because right now, He seems quiet. But did He ever speak. The proof has been in the pudding at times, but in one "church" may would see it, and others might question my sanity... I feel a little crazy, I might side with those.
Christ and Him crucified. It's like looking into a huge mosaic of broken pieces of misguided, well-intended, confused and confident people, beliefs and practices, and all I can make out of the picture is a cross in the middle. The Cross of Christ, it is the only anchor to which I feel I can hold to with confidence.
Lord speak, Your servant is listening desperately. But will You? Do You? I do not know. And yet you have... or was it coincidence?
For I determined to know nothing among you
except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.
1 Corinthians 2:2
Monday, September 17, 2012
Bitter Dandelions
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I was constantly in conversation with others inside my own head. I would imagine the things they would say to me, and I would formulate the perfect replies, stinging and direct. You see these conversations were never happy conversations, but rather they were rooted in hurts and offenses where I felt in my mind I had received no justice.
I remember the summer before this past when I was actually overwhelmed with them. When at Bible study we scribbled down our private prayer requests for someone else to pray for over our summer together, mine may have seemed strange. "Please pray for the imaginary conversations going on inside my head." My friend, however, understood and knew I was not fighting and kind of mental disease, but rather a spiritual one. For it was in those imagined conversations in my mind that I was pouring Miracle Grow on seeds of bitterness.
Sadly those relationships were never righted, though not all fault is mine. And I found that even after I left the relationships where I was, in fact, fostering bitterness, it took a very long time just to get even a little progress away from the bitterness that had become full grown in my heart. Then one day I was driving along and I suddenly realized, I hadn't had a single thought of bitterness about those relationships in several days. It may not seem like much, but when you're having them all day long for months, maybe even years, a few days can seem like a very long time. I realized that in moving away from the relationships that had been so hard, I had actually found freedom. I stopped watering the root, and the bitterness began to die.
Today I was taking a worship walk with the Lord. It's something I am trying to incorporate to tend to the health of mind, body and spirit. I was talking to the Lord, listening to a worship song, praying for the people that He brought to my mind. And then suddenly a thought passed through my mind, as if it had drifted in on the wind. An awkward conversation from days before that made me feel defensive, and suddenly I began to think about the follow up conversation I'd like to have. I imagined both parts, my own, and the other person, even though I had no certainty 6that any of my embarrassment or discomfort was rooted in any truth. But I felt my mind began to judge the other to make me feel better about myself.
Thankfully, I recognized quickly this seed that had drifted into my mind. Like dandelion dust, it drifted in without my intent or expectation, and it distracted me from thinking on the many good things there are to consider and rather creating in my own mind a scenario that might not even exist. Like the large shadow of a small child, the light was obscured in such a way that it looked like something much bigger than the reality. Or perhaps it wasn't even a child causing the shadow, perhaps it was a complete illusion from nothing alive or true at all.
It occurred to me then that that is exactly how bitterness grows. No one plants that seed in their own heart with intent. Something in the wind drifts it towards us, and without any knowledge of it all, it begins to take root. The thing about a dandelion is this, it can look beautiful, even harmless in its growing form. A harmless little yellow flower, one might even find beauty in it, like we find justification in our offense. But as it grows, it changes. The yellow flower turns to the white puff children are so fond of picking from the grass to blow upon it. A child has no idea of the havoc he may wreak as he blows on this kind of weed, but when Satan blows upon the similar weed within our hearts, he knows exactly the havoc he will wreak in our hearts and lives if he can just get the weed of bitterness to spread.
I looked up how you get rid of dandelions, and there is no way around it, the weeds have to be destroyed, and the sooner the better. So is the same truth for the bitter seeds that drift into our hearts. We have to pluck them out and destroy them swiftly. We cannot allow them to grow or spread. I know this to be true, not from a conversation in my mind, but a word of Truth being spoken to my heart.
I remember the summer before this past when I was actually overwhelmed with them. When at Bible study we scribbled down our private prayer requests for someone else to pray for over our summer together, mine may have seemed strange. "Please pray for the imaginary conversations going on inside my head." My friend, however, understood and knew I was not fighting and kind of mental disease, but rather a spiritual one. For it was in those imagined conversations in my mind that I was pouring Miracle Grow on seeds of bitterness.
Sadly those relationships were never righted, though not all fault is mine. And I found that even after I left the relationships where I was, in fact, fostering bitterness, it took a very long time just to get even a little progress away from the bitterness that had become full grown in my heart. Then one day I was driving along and I suddenly realized, I hadn't had a single thought of bitterness about those relationships in several days. It may not seem like much, but when you're having them all day long for months, maybe even years, a few days can seem like a very long time. I realized that in moving away from the relationships that had been so hard, I had actually found freedom. I stopped watering the root, and the bitterness began to die.
Today I was taking a worship walk with the Lord. It's something I am trying to incorporate to tend to the health of mind, body and spirit. I was talking to the Lord, listening to a worship song, praying for the people that He brought to my mind. And then suddenly a thought passed through my mind, as if it had drifted in on the wind. An awkward conversation from days before that made me feel defensive, and suddenly I began to think about the follow up conversation I'd like to have. I imagined both parts, my own, and the other person, even though I had no certainty 6that any of my embarrassment or discomfort was rooted in any truth. But I felt my mind began to judge the other to make me feel better about myself.
Thankfully, I recognized quickly this seed that had drifted into my mind. Like dandelion dust, it drifted in without my intent or expectation, and it distracted me from thinking on the many good things there are to consider and rather creating in my own mind a scenario that might not even exist. Like the large shadow of a small child, the light was obscured in such a way that it looked like something much bigger than the reality. Or perhaps it wasn't even a child causing the shadow, perhaps it was a complete illusion from nothing alive or true at all.
I looked up how you get rid of dandelions, and there is no way around it, the weeds have to be destroyed, and the sooner the better. So is the same truth for the bitter seeds that drift into our hearts. We have to pluck them out and destroy them swiftly. We cannot allow them to grow or spread. I know this to be true, not from a conversation in my mind, but a word of Truth being spoken to my heart.
See to it that no one misses the grace of God
and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Hebrews 12:15
Monday, September 10, 2012
Like Crickets
There is a LOT going on around here, and it's pretty stressful stuff. The current state of circumstances can at times be overwhelming, and they lead me on a rather unhealthy trail down the road of "if only" and "what if." When I go there I find myself stuck at the "mountain of regret."
If only I had stayed in school, furthered my education, taken life more seriously-- then now perhaps we wouldn't be in the precarious position we're in now. I've thought several times over about how much I'd like to travel back in time and slap around 19-year-old me. I'd give her speeches similar to the ones I have given to many young people in my own life, including my own kids. They are speeches I am pretty sure I heard back in the day and completely disregarded.
The other night I was wallowing in these kinds of thoughts, not only full of regret about the past, but running into doubt and hopelessness about the future. I don't feel optimistic very much lately about big chunks of life like jobs and provision. As I sat on my couch, my husband beside me oblivious to and watching a ball game, I got more and more anxious until I felt like I just couldn't even breathe anymore. So I decided to go for a walk and talk to the Lord.
As I began to walk down the street of my neighborhood, two little crickets jumped before my feet. Roaches and spiders don't miff me, but I can't stand a cricket, and out neighborhood is FULL of them. I don't think it's a coincidence that they fall in the same order of insects as the locusts God sent on Egypt as a plague. Jiminy or not, I am just not a fan of any cricket not drawn in a cartoon. (I don't want to find roaches in my house, but on the block, I'd smash it without thinking, and spiders don't bother me at all, but I digress...)
You can't step on a cricket with the ease you can smoosh a spider or a roach, they're quick and in constant motion, one might look like a dancing fool trying to step on one. As I continued down the street, I realized how many of them I could hear. There is no silence in my neighborhood, there is a huge chorus of these critters calling out to one another from all over everywhere, even when you can't put your finger on a single one. And nothing is worse than one has your attention, and you can't track him down to save your life.
I've had that happen before, laying in bed at night trying to go to sleep, and a cricket has made his way into the house, and there is nothing muffled about his sound. I remember one night in particular when there was a loud cricket in our master bathroom and it kept Neal and I both lying awake in our bed. It was somewhere in the bathroom and frustration and sleeplessness kept us both up and down most of the night trying to track the little booger down. We could hear him, but we could not see him, and whenever we went into the bathroom and turned on the light he would silence his cries.
As I was walking down the street Friday night, it occurred to me that the thoughts and worries I'd been nursing in the house were a lot like crickets. As I gave them my attention, there was nothing else I could hear. They overwhelmed me to the point of distraction, just like the crickets did. They robbed me of peace and rest just like the little villain in the bathroom that night.
As I walked I put my focus on the Lord and I began to pray. I talked to Him about my worries and concerns, and as I prayed, different scriptures and verses were coming to mind-- promises from God about the care of His people. Suddenly I realized that the sound of the actual crickets had lost my attention, to the point they seemed to not be there anymore, but as soon as I let my focus drift their way again, they were all I could here. I felt the Lord speak to my heart, "just like your worries." When I focus on them, they too are all I can hear. When I focus on Him, however, the disruptive cries they make drift into the background. It was a powerful revelation.
The Holy Spirit brought to my memory many of the promises of God, about His care and kindness for those who love Him. I was grateful for the wealth of scripture hidden in my heart that He was able to draw to the surface to reassure me that God is greater than my circumstance. It makes it easier to know I've heard Him when God is speaking His own words to my heart.
As I continued walking through the dark street I thought of a song that I used to hold to a lot when we went through the most dificult days of Ethan's adoption and thought we might actually lose him. It was like an anthem during that scary season of my life. And I felt compelled to focus on it again. "I will bless the Lord forever," it begins, "I will trust Him at all times. I will not be moved, I'll say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my portion, delivered, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need." They are not just lyrics to a song, but they are words of Truth from the Bible, and I began to play it on my phone as I walked on. I noticed something as I turned it up. As I put my focus on it, it was as though all the crickets in the street were completely silent, I could hear nothing but the song.
Now the crickets were NOT silent mind you. If I put my focus on them, I could hear them at any moment. That's the way it is walking in dark times. But when I fixed my eyes, or rather my ears on the "voice of truth" from the song, it drowned them out. Like the little villian in the shower, flipping on the light silenced him. Turning on the Light against the fears, anxieties and lies chirping at us will silence them as well, and if they cannot be silenced completely, I know if I right my focus, I can at least drown out their sounds.
What's chirping at you? Where do you need to right your focus? Here's the song of Truth that helped me right my focus, I hope it encourages you as well.
If only I had stayed in school, furthered my education, taken life more seriously-- then now perhaps we wouldn't be in the precarious position we're in now. I've thought several times over about how much I'd like to travel back in time and slap around 19-year-old me. I'd give her speeches similar to the ones I have given to many young people in my own life, including my own kids. They are speeches I am pretty sure I heard back in the day and completely disregarded.
The other night I was wallowing in these kinds of thoughts, not only full of regret about the past, but running into doubt and hopelessness about the future. I don't feel optimistic very much lately about big chunks of life like jobs and provision. As I sat on my couch, my husband beside me oblivious to and watching a ball game, I got more and more anxious until I felt like I just couldn't even breathe anymore. So I decided to go for a walk and talk to the Lord.
As I began to walk down the street of my neighborhood, two little crickets jumped before my feet. Roaches and spiders don't miff me, but I can't stand a cricket, and out neighborhood is FULL of them. I don't think it's a coincidence that they fall in the same order of insects as the locusts God sent on Egypt as a plague. Jiminy or not, I am just not a fan of any cricket not drawn in a cartoon. (I don't want to find roaches in my house, but on the block, I'd smash it without thinking, and spiders don't bother me at all, but I digress...)
You can't step on a cricket with the ease you can smoosh a spider or a roach, they're quick and in constant motion, one might look like a dancing fool trying to step on one. As I continued down the street, I realized how many of them I could hear. There is no silence in my neighborhood, there is a huge chorus of these critters calling out to one another from all over everywhere, even when you can't put your finger on a single one. And nothing is worse than one has your attention, and you can't track him down to save your life.
I've had that happen before, laying in bed at night trying to go to sleep, and a cricket has made his way into the house, and there is nothing muffled about his sound. I remember one night in particular when there was a loud cricket in our master bathroom and it kept Neal and I both lying awake in our bed. It was somewhere in the bathroom and frustration and sleeplessness kept us both up and down most of the night trying to track the little booger down. We could hear him, but we could not see him, and whenever we went into the bathroom and turned on the light he would silence his cries.
As I was walking down the street Friday night, it occurred to me that the thoughts and worries I'd been nursing in the house were a lot like crickets. As I gave them my attention, there was nothing else I could hear. They overwhelmed me to the point of distraction, just like the crickets did. They robbed me of peace and rest just like the little villain in the bathroom that night.
As I walked I put my focus on the Lord and I began to pray. I talked to Him about my worries and concerns, and as I prayed, different scriptures and verses were coming to mind-- promises from God about the care of His people. Suddenly I realized that the sound of the actual crickets had lost my attention, to the point they seemed to not be there anymore, but as soon as I let my focus drift their way again, they were all I could here. I felt the Lord speak to my heart, "just like your worries." When I focus on them, they too are all I can hear. When I focus on Him, however, the disruptive cries they make drift into the background. It was a powerful revelation.
The Holy Spirit brought to my memory many of the promises of God, about His care and kindness for those who love Him. I was grateful for the wealth of scripture hidden in my heart that He was able to draw to the surface to reassure me that God is greater than my circumstance. It makes it easier to know I've heard Him when God is speaking His own words to my heart.
As I continued walking through the dark street I thought of a song that I used to hold to a lot when we went through the most dificult days of Ethan's adoption and thought we might actually lose him. It was like an anthem during that scary season of my life. And I felt compelled to focus on it again. "I will bless the Lord forever," it begins, "I will trust Him at all times. I will not be moved, I'll say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my portion, delivered, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need." They are not just lyrics to a song, but they are words of Truth from the Bible, and I began to play it on my phone as I walked on. I noticed something as I turned it up. As I put my focus on it, it was as though all the crickets in the street were completely silent, I could hear nothing but the song.
Now the crickets were NOT silent mind you. If I put my focus on them, I could hear them at any moment. That's the way it is walking in dark times. But when I fixed my eyes, or rather my ears on the "voice of truth" from the song, it drowned them out. Like the little villian in the shower, flipping on the light silenced him. Turning on the Light against the fears, anxieties and lies chirping at us will silence them as well, and if they cannot be silenced completely, I know if I right my focus, I can at least drown out their sounds.
What's chirping at you? Where do you need to right your focus? Here's the song of Truth that helped me right my focus, I hope it encourages you as well.
Friday, September 7, 2012
I am trying
I have been trying so hard.
I have been trying so hard to focus and draw near to the Lord. I've woken up some days, and instead of thinking about Him first thing the way I have for so long, I find myself halfway through my morning or even into my day and I realize I haven't thought about Him. So I have tried, to focus, reach out, draw near, believing He would keep His promise and draw right back.
It has been a point of distraction, feeling like I need to go deeper, and feeling instead like I'm drifting. It's like trying to swim into the ocean. I want to go out past the wave where the water is deep, but I can't get past where they are crashing on the shore, or worse, they toss me back and knock me down hard. Not only am I not making any progress but I even feel worse for the wear.
But I have not given up.
Love & worship - I know that's the last thing I heard the Lord say.
Worship is hard for me. I try to focus and there are lists and questions running through my mind, or worse I get completely distracted by the sound of my own voice. I long to look at the Lord, to seek His face (and not His hand) and I feel like I spiritual ADD.
Love is hard for me. I am easily frustrated. I get annoyed by the masses, and all the individuals who are counted among them. I get bugged by the guy who is driving too slow, or the woman who is standing too close. I don't like sassy children and even my own irritate me when they demand too much of my time. Sometimes I feel like there might not be a heart inside me at all.
I do love God, I love my Savior, I am grateful for what He has done for me, and yet constantly I forget. I live my life like fool.
I am trying to practice the "conscious presence of God." He's here, with me now, even as I am typing. He's with me when I'm stuck in traffic, running late, arguing with a loved one, losing my temper with my children- in every circumstance He is with me, present, VERY PRESENT. And yet I constantly forget. No matter how much I don't want to or how desperately I try to keep my heart and mind set, I become completely distracted.
Bitterness.
Hurt.
Anxiety.
Confusion.
Lack of awareness.
These are the shadows that circle about trying to obscure the Light I am so desperately seeking.
These demons do not consume me, they are not where I lie my days, but they feel like they are ever chasing me, trying to bring me down. Running from them is exhausting, even when I am trying so hard to run into the arms of my loving Father-- the One who I know is there, who I know loves me, of whose promises I am aware.
Sometimes it feels like I run two steps further and He takes three steps back. I know it's not teasing but rather stretching me to see I can go further than I know, but I so desperately long to fall into His embrace, and have Him whisper gently that everything is going to be ok. Or better, that he would lift me up and move me into the place of security and peace. I just want things to be better.
I know I'm not alone. So many of us are struggling financially, people are out of work, families are falling apart, people are dying. How I long for God to just scoop us all up and take us home. I want to live the life He intended to give us-- no sickness, no darkness, so sadness or death. But it's not time. It's not now. But I wish He would move, move something, maybe move anything. I wish He would change a circumstance, or change many circumstances, but that's not His concern. He's more concerned with changing me. Do you know how that feels?
All I can do is keep going. Remember what He said, "Love and worship." I don't fully understand what that means, but I know I haven't accomplished it, so I can't quit. I am determined that I'm not going to settle for seeking to see God move. I have to press on until I see God, because only then will any of this even make sense.
I have been trying so hard to focus and draw near to the Lord. I've woken up some days, and instead of thinking about Him first thing the way I have for so long, I find myself halfway through my morning or even into my day and I realize I haven't thought about Him. So I have tried, to focus, reach out, draw near, believing He would keep His promise and draw right back.
It has been a point of distraction, feeling like I need to go deeper, and feeling instead like I'm drifting. It's like trying to swim into the ocean. I want to go out past the wave where the water is deep, but I can't get past where they are crashing on the shore, or worse, they toss me back and knock me down hard. Not only am I not making any progress but I even feel worse for the wear.
But I have not given up.
Love & worship - I know that's the last thing I heard the Lord say.
Worship is hard for me. I try to focus and there are lists and questions running through my mind, or worse I get completely distracted by the sound of my own voice. I long to look at the Lord, to seek His face (and not His hand) and I feel like I spiritual ADD.
Love is hard for me. I am easily frustrated. I get annoyed by the masses, and all the individuals who are counted among them. I get bugged by the guy who is driving too slow, or the woman who is standing too close. I don't like sassy children and even my own irritate me when they demand too much of my time. Sometimes I feel like there might not be a heart inside me at all.
I do love God, I love my Savior, I am grateful for what He has done for me, and yet constantly I forget. I live my life like fool.
I am trying to practice the "conscious presence of God." He's here, with me now, even as I am typing. He's with me when I'm stuck in traffic, running late, arguing with a loved one, losing my temper with my children- in every circumstance He is with me, present, VERY PRESENT. And yet I constantly forget. No matter how much I don't want to or how desperately I try to keep my heart and mind set, I become completely distracted.
Bitterness.
Hurt.
Anxiety.
Confusion.
Lack of awareness.
These are the shadows that circle about trying to obscure the Light I am so desperately seeking.
These demons do not consume me, they are not where I lie my days, but they feel like they are ever chasing me, trying to bring me down. Running from them is exhausting, even when I am trying so hard to run into the arms of my loving Father-- the One who I know is there, who I know loves me, of whose promises I am aware.
Sometimes it feels like I run two steps further and He takes three steps back. I know it's not teasing but rather stretching me to see I can go further than I know, but I so desperately long to fall into His embrace, and have Him whisper gently that everything is going to be ok. Or better, that he would lift me up and move me into the place of security and peace. I just want things to be better.
I know I'm not alone. So many of us are struggling financially, people are out of work, families are falling apart, people are dying. How I long for God to just scoop us all up and take us home. I want to live the life He intended to give us-- no sickness, no darkness, so sadness or death. But it's not time. It's not now. But I wish He would move, move something, maybe move anything. I wish He would change a circumstance, or change many circumstances, but that's not His concern. He's more concerned with changing me. Do you know how that feels?
All I can do is keep going. Remember what He said, "Love and worship." I don't fully understand what that means, but I know I haven't accomplished it, so I can't quit. I am determined that I'm not going to settle for seeking to see God move. I have to press on until I see God, because only then will any of this even make sense.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Holy Anticipation
Almost a year ago our family came to a new church. Not long after our arrival we heard about a missions trip that a team from there would be taking. There was a stir in my heart but I kept it quietly to myself.
It was just a few weeks later that I found out Jacob had been doing research at school. God had stirred a desire in his heart. He knew after graduation he wanted to take a missions trip. It was confirmation of the sense I had that day in our new church. Jake was supposed to go.
He wasn't convinced that Guatemala was the place or that CrossPointe was the team, but he considered it. Slowly God directed and the pathway was clear, he soon agreed, Guatemala WAS the place and CrossPointe was the team.
Support was raised quickly, months ahead of schedule, half the goal in a single day. God makes a way.
Weekly team meetings have lined the path through the summer to the day. Tomorrow is that day. I have so much peace and his giddy excitement today was contagious. He's excited, I'm excited for him. I can feel God moving, in his heart, in his life.
A few days ago Neal said he could see his son as a missionary, knowing his attachment to his children, I couldn't help but wonder, was it Neal speaking or the Holy Spirit?
Today my husband and I stood with others before our church, laying hands and praying for our loved ones, commissioning them. Later the pastor and team leader was speaking with Neal in the parking lot. He said, "I can see Jake has a heart for missions." I wondered again, who was speaking, this man or the Holy Spirit?
I wonder, this peace, this willingness to send him out, this faith I feel, has the Lord given me the mother's heart of a missionary?
I don't know. I wonder. But I have this sense, this Holy Anticipation that God is going to do something great in my son in these next 8 days, maybe even life changing. I'm starting to miss him a little already, even as he's asleep in his room. I already find myself anxious to hear the stories that have not even been written yet.
Vaya con Dios, they might say in Guatemala. Go with God, my son. My prayers go with you.
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