The Thing About Bitterness

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15

100 Verses - Week 22

From my phone, been a traveling weekend, but here are the verses:

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will support you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  Psalm 55:22

Casting all your care upon Him, because He cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7

The Battle Rages On

I find great comfort in the writings of Paul the apostle. Although I associate better with Peter, typically (he's so limber like me- always putting his foot in his mouth) the writer in Paul connects to my spirit. Romans chapter 7, in particular, gives me hope and encouragement.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Romans 7:21-24

And the fact that Paul prayed three times for God to remove some undefined "thorn is his flesh to which God's reply was: "NO." He assured Paul His grace was sufficient.

I reposted on my Facebook today a blog from November of 2009. It was about anxiety, and the constant battle I have had with is since 2004. Here we are in 2012 and it is still a nemesis. It's, perhaps not as powerful as it used to be. I am certainly able to call it out and recognize it for what it is, which in reality is a HUGE first step in the battle. (Think of little David calling out big old Goliath as the "uncircumcised Philistine," who had no shot against the him with the Living God on his side.)

But there is something disheartening in the fact that the battle keeps coming back around, a little different, and yet somewhat the same. And for me, I see this with many of my "constant battles." They seem chronic. So when I read Paul's words, the man God chose to use more than possibly any other person ever on the planet, it gives me hope. Because what I understand from my reading here, is that it's not so much the battle that I define that's chronic, but it is the battle that is "the flesh," that is lifelong.

Today in the news there is talk about the fact that Josh Hamilton, MLB outfielder for the Texas Rangers has been seen drinking in bars. I've read Josh's book, and seen his I Am Second video, and the man has had a radical experience with Christ, and been blessed tremendously, and yet, his battle rages on too. You can click on the link of his video and hear him say for himself, HE KNOWS BETTER, and he knows that just one drink is a slippery slope for him toward decisions that could end his career. The first line in the video says in effect, "drugs and alcohol, I never used one without the other," so for him, just a beer in a bar is NOT, "no big deal."

When I told my kids this morning about Josh so we could pray for him, my Jake's response was "He should go watch his 'I Am Second video'," and Jake was right, he needs to remember where he has come from, and be reminded this is a battle he cannot fight on his own. I imagine he too would appreciate Paul's words above. I just hope his desire match's Paul's as well, and that whatever caused him to drink on Monday, he wants Christ more.

Josh makes reference to a particular scripture in his video that is appropriate for any of us to remember as we struggle and fight our own personal battles "of the flesh." Whether it is an issue of alcohol and drug abuse like Josh Hamilton, or something considered more benign like food, or something emotional like anxiety or anger, it's important to recall that we have an enemy of our souls who is studying our weaknesses with one purpose, to destroy us. If he cannot destroy our lives or our salvation, he will find some satisfaction is destroying our witness to the world around us.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
James 4:7

Sometimes in our minds,I think, we think of "resistance" as some sort of defense mechanism. I can picture someone backed in a corner slapping or striking at someone coming at them. But I don't think this is the kind of resistance referenced here. I think it's far more proactive. It's a pushing back, started perhaps even before the attack begins. And it's done in submission to God, which to me speaks of abiding, praying, meditating on God's word. I know Josh Hamilton has had many "safety nets" in place since his sobriety (though this is his 2nd public slip) and I know recently his accountability partner moved away and the position not yet refilled. It speaks volumes about how we cannot get comfortable in the "status quo" of things when they seem to be going well. The bible describes Satan as a lion prowling about- waiting to pounce. And I suspect it's that moment that we relax in confidence, like Josh thinking, "One drink won't hurt," that the enemy comes out claws drawn.

I know for me the anxiety always comes first thing in the morning because I am in that sleepy unfocused state. To battle it back I have to engage immediately with the Word and use it to resist the sense of fear that tries to overwhelm me.

The battle rages on. Diligence is required in this Walk of Faith, because if we are not focused, we risk falter. And in that moment that we do, the enemy is ready to capitalize. Not for a moment should we ever consider ourselves to have "arrived" to a place where we can get by in the battles of life. If we don't keep the constant mindset that we are in battle, we will never find the victory God has called us to. And most important of all is to remember that that victory is never of our own doing, but is always in our relationship with Christ.

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.
And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
Who is he who overcomes the world,
but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?
1 John 5:4-5

Stand firm, be diligent, resist your enemy- fight the good fight submitted to the Lord, and say a prayer for Josh Hamilton that the Spirit of God would rise up in him and help him do the same, in Jesus' name!

Skiing the Mount - Micah 6:8

Sometimes I wish there was a "red phone" like I remember in old cartoons and movies, where if it rang, it meant it was "THE" call you had been waiting for, the answer you needed. But there is no red phone on the path of this walk of faith, because by definition faith has an element of the unknown. Believing in what we SEE isn't faith at all. It's the confidence in the unseen that is what our faith is made of.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

My journals are full of questions, me asking the Lord for answers and direction. Last year I found myself asking the Lord over and over what He wanted from me, what He required of me, and over and over again, the same scripture would come into my mind. It's probably written in last year's journals at least two dozen times:

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

So simple and yet so challenging. They're all twisted together. And though simply stated, they are not the easiest commands to walk out.

Doing justly is perhaps, in a way, the step I struggle the least with. I see the world in a very black and white way, right is right and wrong is wrong. I think "shades of gray" are over stated. But there in my "doing justly" I have already begun to stumble in both "loving mercy" and "walking humbly." Because when you are "doing right," or perhaps I should say when I am "doing right," I look around and think to myself how that ought to be the case for everyone else as well. And I even begin to look highly on myself for my doing, and the walking with humility has gone completely by the way side. I've slipped down the slope already.

I was reading Romans 14 the other day, and I had an a-ha moment:

So then, we must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another. Do not tear down God’s work because of food. Everything is clean, but it is wrong for a man to cause stumbling by what he eats. It is a noble thing not to eat meat, or drink wine, or do anything that makes your brother stumble. Do you have a conviction? Keep it to yourself before God. The man who does not condemn himself by what he approves is blessed. But whoever doubts stands condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from a conviction,and everything that is not from a conviction is sin.
Romans 14:19-23

There's a truth here about doing justly. I can only define with certainty what "doing justly" means for myself, I cannot not be certain of what it means for another. But if God places a conviction in my heart, then I must be obedient to it, if I do not, then I am guilty of sin.

Now mind you, I am NOT expanding shades of gray. Much of life is STILL very black and white. Sin IS sin, even if not all conviction is conviction. For example, my husband and I don't drink alcohol, at all, ever. It's our conviction that drinking alcohol is wrong. For us it is. But we know many other Christians who do not hold our conviction. They like a bottle of wine with dinner, or a beer after work, not drinking is not their conviction. It doesn't make us better Christians (which is actually impossible to be.) Drinking may be defined by conviction, but getting drunk on the other hand is not. The Bible states VERY clearly, DO NOT GET DRUNK. So getting drunk is a sin for all.

I also find myself often struggling with mercy. I like to see people get what they deserve. Yes, I said it. I am a "justice minded" person, and when I see someone continuing in sin. If I found out (hypothetically) that someone who was getting drunk regularly was going to jail for drunk and disorderly or for a DUI, mercy would not be my first inclination, my thought would be "Well, GOOD. Now perhaps they will wake up/ wise up/ sober up and make better choices." That isn't merciful. And I would struggle with the situation if someone got off with a slap on the hand or a warning, I would not find myself loving mercy. But God says I should. And again, when I don't, I am NOT walking humbly with my God.

I am a work in process (as we all are,) and I am trying so hard to find the manner in which to walk this Truth out. Recently the Lord reminded me that if there is mercy for me, there must be mercy for all. When I demand justice, I make myself subject to it as well. If I want others to get "exactly what they deserve" when they wrong me, or someone I love, I have to ask myself, "am I willing to get exactly what I deserve?" Or would I prefer to live under the grace and mercy that I've personally traded for justice. If it's good for me, it has to be good for others as well.

This scripture, like so many is simply stated. It's beautiful and clear and its purpose is evident. It's like strapping on a set of skis. I look at them, I know how they work, I have seen others ski and I mentally "get" what I need to do, but when I put the, on for myself I stumble, struggle, fall down and fail. It is awkward and difficult. There is nothing "natural" about it. So what do you do? You keep getting up, and doing it over again and again and again, until what you mentally understand that you need to do becomes natural to do. It won't be perfect, there will always be falls, and you have to watch out for the obstacles and terrain that make it more difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

That's where I am, trying to learn how to ski this simple mountain, that really isn't so simple at all. Mount Micah - here I come... again. Maybe I won't fall down so many times today.

100 Verses - Week 21

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Join the Challenge.

Based on the book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart by Robert J. Morgan

100 Verses - Week 20 - The Hardest Verse of All

The verses for this week are probably going to be a huge sigh of relief for most long time Christians. My guess would be that next to John 3:16, this weeks 2 verse passage is probably one of the most well-known, commonly quoted passages of all of scripture. If you have not yourself recited it, I would be surprised if you didn't have it quoted to you or at least hear it said at some point and time in your own personal Walk of Faith.

So other than the probable slight difference in the translation that we've been using, I am figuring that most of you will read the passage with a huge sigh of relief and mentally check your memory verses for this next week off your list. You might consider it a great week for catching up on verses from previous weeks in the Challenge. Woot! Woot! You've got this.

As for me, meditating on this week's passage is going to be tough. When I look at it, I see simple "kingdom math" - a + b = c, kind of stuff, the classic if/ then scenario. It's truth, and it sounds so simple, but I personally find myself in the thick of begging God to prove it true in my life, and I find myself waiting. I have confidence it will prove true, I just don't know when.

This week's verses:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding.
Think about Him in all your ways,
and He will guide you on the right paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I trust the Lord, with all my heart. I take Him at His word, completely. I know if He said, He will surely do it, God is not a man that He should lie. God has proven Himself trustworthy to me, time and time again. So often it doesn't make sense to me, but I trust Him more than I trust me anyway. Too much flesh and emotion in the human psyche, including mine. I do think about Him all the time, in everything I do. He is the filter I run everything through. I'm constantly thinking about Him, and about how He feels about the things I do and the things I say. I seek His wisdom and direction constantly. I do my best (which of course in my humanness always falls short) to follow the three commands before the promise in this passage of scripture.

But I am waiting on the promise. I am waiting for the direction. I'm not seeing it, I'm not hearing it, but I am waiting for it. Right now I find myself feeling completely lost. I don't know where God wants me, or what He wants me to be doing. I feel adrift. I don't know where Go wants me to serve or how. I feel like I am supposed to know and make a decision, and I am terrified of finding myself in a place I don't belong for another ten years (even a year is too long.) I know my gifts, and I can find no place for them. I don't know what God wants me to do with the blog, I don't know what God wants me to do with my book. The speaking opportunity I have been praying for finally presents itself and then He tells me to say "no." I suppose that was "directing me on a right path." But the right path still feels like a whole lot of limbo, and I have been in limbo for a very long time, and the path ahead, looks like a whole lot more.


...He will guide you on the right paths. It's truth. But it isn't easy. This kingdom math is actually a lot like "kingdom algebra." There are a lot of unknowns in this equation. My heart aches at the difficulty of the problem. But as it says in the Psalms, "Whom have I in heaven BUT You, Lord?"

I'm going to be soaking the verse in this week. I'm going to believe and hold to it in faith, and hope for the day to soon come when the promise it holds is fulfilled in my life, in Jesus' name.

The 100 Verse Challenge is based on Robert J. Morgan's book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart.