Reigning in the "ten-year-old"

Sat down with a couple of dear ladies for dinner last night. IF I said they were my "friends" that would be accurate, but not sufficient to describe them.

Truth be told, my time with them has been limited, and I truly don't know a lot about them, though I learned a little more last night, but there is a bond and a connection that knits our hearts together. The Lord has put me on their hearts, and they are reaching out to invest in me, because they see something worth laying hold of. They believe in me, and have confidence in me. They are too dear sweet women who I feel like my name is safe on their lips. That's what I told them last night as we left the restaurant.

For me to feel that way about someone is somewhat rare, and sadly it seems to become more rare all the time. They aren't the only people I feel that way about, by any means, but the list is still short. And because the Lord seems to have gifted me with these two women, these "mothers of the faith," it is particularly dear to me that God has placed them in my life. When I am with them, I feel unconditional love and acceptance. What a rare gift that is.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go last night. I was very close to cancelling just because I am so worn out. My body is not my friend. I have been in chronic pain long enough now, that I have finally lost count of just how long. Even as I sit here and type now, the pain in my neck and shoulders is throbbing. My emotions likewise have taken a beating. I am hurt and raw. The pain of it seems ongoing, and rising up in new places all the time. Even as I sat with the ladies and we talked, new arrows pierced my heart, not from them, but through our conversation.

These women because they love me, and although they support me, and even truly like me, I think, are far from simple cheerleaders. They are willing to, dare I say, determined to speak truth into my life, even hard truth. They do it lovingly, but they don't hold back. And I have to say, it is far easier to receive from someone who you feel your name is safe with than it is with anyone where there is even a hint of distrust.

These mothers of the faith, fast becoming like spiritual moms to me, know and see that there are hard things I am called to do. Things that bring about the emotional pain and personal hurts. Hard things that are hard when you feel good, but feel almost burdensome when your body is not your friend. But because they love me, they wouldn't accept my excuses.

They held my hand and spoke words of life as I sat there crying in the corner booth, but they didn't relent from speaking the truth. They didn't let the compassion they felt for me overwhelm the truth they believe for me. And every time I said "It's too hard," they countered with "But in Christ you can." I've spoken those words to others myself, and I have to say, they are hard to hear but necessary just the same.

"Take your thoughts captive," they instructed. "Speak words of life," they said. It's true, every time I say it's hard, it really gets a little harder.

Finally the Lord gave me the word picture that I understood. When my kids were littler, and I was chasing after the three, ages, 2, 3 and 10, it was easy for life to get consumed by the 2 and 3 year old who were needy and insistent and demanded their wants NOW! It made it harder to keep track of the ten-year-old who took advantage of my distraction and would wander off on his own way. He'd wander off and get himself into trouble, the more distracted I was, the further he went.

My emotions and my body are like the 2 and 3 year old, screaming out, throwing their tantrums, demanding all my attention NOW! And while it is easy to become consumed with how I am feeling both emotionally and physically, my mind, the 10 year old is off and wandering in the wrong direction. The one who KNOWS better is willingly going astray. And the further it wanders, the harder it is to bring it back, and the more havoc wreaked in the mean time.

When the kids were little and that happened, it meant putting the young ones somewhere safe, but a place that required less focus, down for a nap, in a time out, in a playpen to pay- their needs no less important, their demands no less intent, but the priority they were given was lessened, and the focus was brought back to the 10 year old, to bring him back under his proper training. To remind him of what he already knew and raise both the expectation and the focus to it being accomplished.

My body and emotions are what they are. I can't mature or heal them instantly out of the place they'r ein, but I can put them aside safely and get my mind back to focusing on the place that the battle is truly to be won, over my mind and thoughts.

These two women gently yet firmly reminded me, I know the Truth. I am to live by the Truth, and my focus needs to be on the Truth. It's time to reign in the big "kid" and get him back on track.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
II Corinthians 10:3-6

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32

The Mess of Forgiveness

It's been a week since I last posted. It's been a week of highs and lows, a little like an emotional roller coaster.

This week someone I love very much finally arrived at the happiest day of her life, and it was a joy to be there to witness it and be a part. It was the high point of the week, and the thread of it was something to look forward to all week long.

But my body is constantly working against me it seems. My ankle is still sore and weak. I'm sure I haven't helped matters by wearing flip flops and walking bare foot without it being wrapped, but it's summer and well, I'm a tad bit stubborn at times. In addition the pinched nerve in my back that I have been managing (or failing to manage) for the last two months has been relentless, and now I am struggling with pain in the right side of my neck as well and my left knee is sore from walking awkwardly on my bad ankle. Last night I felt a shooting pain through my lower back that felt like something was going to slip or go out, but so far, it's just a twinge here and there. But I am getting really worn down from all the aches and pains.

Pain does that to you, it wears you down. Not just physically, but emotionally too. And for almost as long as I have been nursing the physical pains, I have been nursing some emotional ones as well.

I was told recently, in essence, that I am (1) not teachable, and (2) not reachable. If not "not reachable," then I have certainly been told I am not worth the effort. The people who have spoken that to me, one in actual words, the other in specific actions- or rather inaction, have wounded my heart, and have felt justified in doing so. It's actually a bit of a pattern in that specific area of my life, and it has been a source of great frustration to me. Frustration is like my sore knee, it's not the actual source of the injury, but it is a byproduct that has resulted from it.

This week in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, we have been learning about forgiveness. The title of the chapter has been "Running with Forgiveness: Laying Aside Bitterness." The running metaphor has not been lost on me since my physical injuries have prevented me from a lot of physical activities these past few weeks, likewise, spiritual injuries can hinder us from "running" our spiritual race.

The theme verse from our Bible study, and week one's memory verse was Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...

The metaphor of the physical process is simple, whatever slows you down, you throw aside. If a rope wraps itself around you, you unwind or you cut and you move on. If a rock is placed in your arms, you toss it aside, you drop off a backpack, you tie the untied shoelace. Simple.

Spiritually speaking, the reality of laying things aside is not so simple. Those things that entangle us are not seen by the naked eye. Sometimes we think we have snipped off the snare only to find it was longer and more deeply wound than we even realized.

The Lord has been speaking a lot to me about forgiveness this week. It isn't a simple recipe to be followed the same for every offense. So many factors play into it: the offense, the offender, your own emotions, your history; all play a part. Some offenses are easy to overlook, others are not so. Sometimes it's a single offense, sometimes it's a long list of offenses. Sometimes the offender acknowledges the offense, other times they justify it, and sometimes they don't even acknowledge the offense at all.

The problem with an offense is that it becomes such because of the way it makes the offended person feel. Intentions mean nothing when a person walks away wounded. "I didn't mean it that way," or "You took it wrong," means nothing to the person who is nursing the hurt. Usually that exact response adds to the pain.

But God doesn't put conditions on His command to forgive. The truth is, forgiveness, in our case, is for our own good as much as it is for the good of the the one who has offended us. We are called to forgive because we are forgiven. The command is simple, the process is not. But it's difficulty isn't an excuse not to pursue the obedience to it.

I'll be honest, I'm not there, but I'm also struggling with the difference between bitter vs. angry. Sometimes when people hurt us, whether with their action or their inaction, with their words or their lack of words our anger is justified at the offense. And the Bible says, "BE angry... yet do not sin," so the reaction to the offense CAN actually be justified, but we have to guard our hearts from the crossing over from anger to bitterness. And I think the only sure way to do that is to get on to the business, messy as it is, to forgiving as quickly as possible. However, complicated that process may be.

The Right to Choose

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the pressure is pushing in so powerfully, it's making me want to react. It makes me want to be rash, to be reactionary. It makes me want to do what I know would (at least in the moment) make me feel better.

It isn't a constant feeling, it isn't overwhelming all the time, but it rises up suddenly. It's almost like standing in the surf at the beach. When the water recedes, it is peaceful, even pleasant. But I turn in the surf and suddenly a wave rises up and hits hard and the calmness is replaced by a tidal wave of emotion that begs for a response.

I think about the way of the world. If I lived by its code, my response would be to do exactly what my heart cries out for. I would worry about myself and do what I want to do, and everyone else be damned. That's what the world says, "Do what feels right." "Look out for number one (because no one else will.)"

But that isn't the way things are in the Kingdom of God.

First of all, I no longer belong to myself, and so I have surrendered my right to choose for myself to the Master.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Also as a Christian there is another factor tat has to be accounted for, which is how my decisions will effect others. The bible warns us (specifically in the time appropriate example of eating the meat of idols:)

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
1 Corinthians 8:9

I have been accused recently of not giving consideration to how my actions affect other people. But it isn't true. The truth is, in every decision I make I am always contemplating both how it will affect my relationship with the Lord, whether or not I am glorifying Him and whether or not my heart is right before Him, and 2nd of all I am always thinking about how my actions effect other people, because contrary to the accusations, I care deeply.

Sometimes though hard things have to be said. And sometimes you have to bear the backlash of hard choices.

Sometimes hard choices have to be made too. And sometimes the hardest choice to make is the choice to do nothing. Sometimes the choice is staying between the rock and the had place. Sometimes the choice is sucking in the wave of emotion and not responding or reacting.

Sometimes the hard choice is living with the hurt, being misunderstood and even being judged. Sometimes it has to be done, and sometimes it is so damn hard.

At the end of the day though, no matter what the reactions or judgments of another may be, I have to look around and see the good that God is doing in my life and even through my life and I have to remember that I know He knows my heart, even if no one else does.

A couple of months ago I had an experience I shared here on the blog. In the end, the Lord posed a question to me about what I was afraid of: man or disobeying God. It's a question He has posed to me again recently on a few occasions. It's funny how that day in the parking lot at Coffee Bean He settled that question with me, because in the days since, the answer has not been nearly as simple, but I knew the answer because He showed me in the simpler task.

So for now, I have to make some hard choices and say some hard things. So for now I have to accept the judgment and labels of people who believe they have me defined but really don't know me or my heart at all. So for now, I have to choose not to react or respond in my emotion or defense for the glory of God and for the good of others.

It's hard, it's really hard. But the right to choose is not my own. I have been "bought at a price" and I have to remember that there is so much more that matters than my own comfort and credit. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair, but God is bigger than what feels fair. I read a quote on Sunday that I've been holding to:

Since God is just, all that He permits is consistent with His justice... God's justice guarantees that ultimately all that is unfair will be dealt with.
-Joseph Stowell, The Upside of Down.

I'm not going to look at the rock, or the hard place. I'm not going to dwell on the accusations leveled against me. I'm not going to give heed to my own emotions or desires. I am going to surrender my rights to choose in all those things and wait on the Lord. Because if I do, He'll not only take care of me, but He'll do what is best for everyone involved, because He is the only one who has a full and accurate grasp or what is the truth.

Mirror, Mirror

If I'm going to look into a mirror, I'm going to do it with someone who will sit next to me, who'll look with me, arm around my shoulder, unafraid of their own reflection. They may point at my flaws, but not without being willing to look at their own. Their head on my shoulder, or sometimes my head or theirs, arm in arm and looking together into our reflections.

This is a person who may point and say, "see that, it needs work," but if it hurts, I can be confident that it's a wound of a friend, someone who won't try to hide their own flaws, maybe even will say, "See, I have a little of that issue myself." Or at least be willing to acknowledge their own ugliness.

We all have ugliness. When we look into the Mirror, no one can escape it. Not just flaws and shortcomings, but ugliness, true grotesqueness even. The face of sin is there.

But what I won't do is look into a mirror with someone who stands behind it, unwilling to catch their own reflection, only looking to point out my flaws. Holding the mirror between us, pointing out everything they see, considering oneself the expert on what needs to be fixed on me. Standing, pointing, magnifying... And hiding.

Don't hurt yourself reaching over that mirror, patting me on the hand to say, "Wounds of a friend," because if you were my friend, you'd be sitting here next to me, real and exposed, not hiding behind the mirror.

What's even worse is when it isn't a mirror at all, but your own depiction of my likeness. You are not my mirror, and it's not your place to assume I'm not looking into the True Mirror. You don't really know, you've never truly sat here on this side of the mirror with me at all. You shouldn't speak of what you don't truly know, from your own opinions and distant observations. You certainly shouldn't consider yourself the expert.

I am willing to look in the mirror. I do it constantly, and I do see my flaws. But I also know they do not disqualify me. They do not define me. They are not who I am, even the mirror does not condemn me in them. I'm not afraid of the mirror, but I will not look into it with a judge. No, only with a participant am I willing to sit and take inventory.

Mirror Mirror, on the wall,
I know I'm not the fairest of all.
But Your reflection does not condemn,
I know what I see is only dim.
Though what You show can be hard to see,
It isn't yet the complete reflection of me.
Thank you for those who'll come and stay,
And sit beside me night or day.
Side by side our reflections bare,
Arm in arm with friends who care.
We'll look together into the mirror,
Of what we'll find we will not fear.
For the flaws and scars will not remain,
So from despair I will refrain.

By Diana DePriest
© July 6, 2011

Handicapped

I was in a head on collision Tuesday afternoon in the parking lot of Baskin Robbins. There were no cars involved mind you, I was run down directly by my 6'2", 230 lb. seventeen-year old son. Mom's first lesson of the week: Be careful who you tussle with (even playfully). In hindsight, the revelation that came to me is my Jake is a little like an oversized puppy. He means no harm, but can be a little dangerous, nonetheless.


Long story short (is it too late for that?) in the process of our tangle, I ended up with a sprained and bruised ankle from the process of the fall, and a big bruise on the back of my head and an extremely sore jaw from the landing. (My head, on the asphalt.)

I came home from the ER cleared, but feeling pretty battered and bruised. I forsook my crutches quickly for a cane because I felt like I was going to kill myself trying to use them. Walking was almost impossible the first night, but painful after that. Eating quickly lost lots of it's luster because quite frankly, my teeth are not lining up properly and it hurts to bite down. And the back of my head - very sensitive

That's what I was well aware of the first night, but in the days that have since passed, I have been far more aware of aches and pains in far different places.

Wednesday we had to drop our kids off at summer camp, and unwilling to miss the tradition of dropping them off in their cabins,I had to do some heavy trekking for a newly sprained ankle. The walk between my daughter's cabin and the cabin where my boys were was particularly steep. But what I noticed as I walked slowly down the decline and then back up the hill as well, was that the place I felt the worst pain was not in my newly injured left ankle, but rather in my "healthy" right leg.

I noticed also that my left shoulder and arm attached first to the crutches and then to the cane was really feeling a lot of pain. The only comfortable way to move on my tender left ankle was to turn my foot out slightly when I walked, that caused pain in my hip. Bottom line, the injured "body parts" was specific, but the pain was very general and felt throughout the whole body.

It reminded me of a scripture. Interestingly enough, my friend who sends me scripture via text message every day, sent me this passage Thursday morning:

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
Romans 12:4-8

This passage came to me as well:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
1 Corinthians 12:12-26

I know that's a lot of reading, but it's critical. Wednesday morning before I took the kids to camp, I said to Ethan, "You really don't know how much you use your ankle for until you injure it." I would feel the pain of its weakness in ways I never imagined. Who realized you need your ankle to sit down? But you do.

It makes me think about the "Body" of Christ and how it can be weakened and hurt when people don't perform what God has called them to. The Romans scripture says it perfectly, what God has called you and gifted you to do, DO! If you don't, then other parts of the "Body" are bearing more weight than they should, and feeling the stress and strain of it.

Likewise, as a "Body" we shouldn't be hindering one another from serving in our gifts. We shouldn't be letting "hands" decide that "ankles" serve no good purpose, because when we do, suddenly the abdomen is feeling the pain of it. But sadly, it happens every day. But those hands are not The Hands that rule the world, so trust that the "Head" (Jesus, Himself) will reveal to you the place He has for you to serve even when other body parts don't think you should. So press on, find your place.

Don't be handicapped, and DO what God made you to DO. Remember, where it's God's will, He'll make a way.

The Garden

The garden grows, full and fine,
Flowers and fruit, from the vine.

Sweet is the fruit, fragrant the flowers,
Yet for some, their heart it sours.

They stand afar off and "it's wrong" they declare,
But how can they know from way over there?

They can't, that's the problem, there's no way to know,
When into the garden they won't even go.

Maybe it's not what they'd choose to plant,
But they shouldn't decide that it's bad based on that.

If they don't walk among the flowers and take in the scent,
How can they decide the seeds were misspent?

The sweetness of the fruit speaks for itself,
But they can't ever know if it's just stuck on a shelf.

But if they just decide that the garden is bad,
Then none of the beauty is theirs to be had.

The value of the garden, in the fruit it is found,
Good things only grow out of good ground.

By Diana DePriest
© June 28, 2011