Today marks the 37th anniversary of legalizing abortion on demand. Things have come to light to remind me of the need to speak forth against the tragedy.
Below is a repeat of the post I posted January 31st of last year.
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Honestly I was just sitting here playing Mahjong tiles when suddenly I had this compulsion to write this post. I think the reason it's even come to my mind is because of an email that was sent to me the other day that led me to this.
Honestly, I think it's one of the best ads I ever seen on the topic. I wonder if it will actually give some pause to thought. I actually kind of doubt it. I think I heard someone say this ad will never get to be aired. I don't know if that's true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me.
As I write this post, I do it with an understanding that I will probably offend many. In fact, some so much that it could cost me friendships, or at least cordial relations. So I will give the disclaimer now that I do not do this to pick an argument or to try to convince anyone who disagrees with me, whether it be in strength or mild consideration, I'm just sharing my perspective.
I give you my opinion first as a woman who has actually been in a crisis pregnancy. I also give you my opinion as a woman who at the age of 19 chose to have an abortion. I will say until I found myself in a crisis pregnancy I considered myself to be neutral on the matter. I honestly felt it was a "to each his or rather her own" opinion. I had never really considered the possibility of actually having one myself. I would even go so far as to say I don't think I thought I would ever have one. It actually was not my first choice even when I was in the circumstance, but without rehashing old wounds and wrongs that have since been both healed and forgiven, I will say that I personally bent from pressures and went through with the abortion. Having said that, no woman can ever consider herself innocent of her choice to have an abortion, ultimately (without a gun to her head) she participates in the choice.
Saying that, I do know what a painful and difficult decision it is to make. And when it's made, it is made in trade for something else. When all the options and considerations are made, it is determined that something else is of greater value than the life inside. Whether it is relationship, or plans, whether it be imagined freedoms or education, something else takes precedence and a woman proceeds. I honestly believe that most women find it a painful decision to make.
In my case, I chose relationship over the unborn baby. And for me, I never questioned whether or not it was a "baby." No one ever tried to convince me it was tissue or something other than a life, and when I went into the clinic for my abortion at about 9 weeks, I mistakenly saw my ultrasound. I wasn't supposed to but I did. I now know what I saw, the beating heart of a little child. I've since had the joy of seeing the same kind of ultrasounds with two of my other children as well, I know even better now what I saw that day. There is no doubt when I had my abortion that a baby died. It's the one fact that is true about all abortions.
Those who are for the "right to abortion" call themselves pro-choice. I find it interesting because it has been my personal experience that abortion is the one choice that ends all other choices. Once the abortion has been done, there is no going back or undoing any regret. It is a decision that can never be changed or modified. On the other hand, a woman who chooses not to have an abortion keeps the door of choice wide open for herself to make many other decisions in the future. There is the choice to have and keep the child, with that comes choices about marriage, education, working. She can choose to postpone other plans and revisit them, she can choose to make new plans or set new goals, or she can make the choice to stay on the path she's already been on and do it in a different way. Or she can choose to continue on her same path apart from being a mother by giving her child up to a loving family for adoption. Even the choice of adoption leads to more choices. She can choose to have an open adoption with ongoing contact with the adoptive family. She can choose to walk away, and with that she can choose to never look back or she can choose to pursue the relationship again in the future. To me, choosing not to have an abortion is, without a doubt, the road to a plethora of future choices.
Another reason I am pro-life is because of my extensive experience of working with women who have had abortions. Without quoting volatile statistics, I can tell you I have personally dealt with hundreds of women who have suffered from the choice of abortion. I have seen women who have suffered physical complications such as infertility and miscarriage. I myself have had two miscarriages after my abortion and my aborted pregnancy was the only pregnancy I ever accomplished without some form of intervention. I have also seen a lot of women with deep psychological scars. I'm not saying all women are affected this way, but my experience indicates that some women undoubtedly are, ranging from chronic nightmares all the way to attempts of suicide, I have seen these responses and a great range in between. I have also seen emotional damage from shame to depression, and there are of course spiritual consequences as well.
Interestingly enough even though my abortion experience was very traumatic, my initial response was to become extremely pro-choice in the aftermath of it. No, honestly I personally became pro-abortion. I can specifically remember having one conversation that I tried to convince a woman I knew to have an abortion. Looking back now I realize I did so because I didn't want to feel alone, it wasn't enough to be a statistic, I wanted to personally know someone else who'd actually been through it. I am thankful to this day that she didn't listen to me, especially when I see what a treasure her son has grown up to be. I also have great guilt to know that she did abort a later pregnancy that I never knew about till years later. I do feel some sense of responsibility in that, because I lied to her and told her it was "no big deal." Abortion is indeed a big deal.
That leads to another reason why I am against abortion. I have an adopted child. So every day living in my very own home is a reminder at what cost abortion comes. A beautiful loving child, who was given life in the most dire of circumstances, and he's never brought anything but joy into my life. More and more I hear about children who've been adopted, and I think, each one of them has been a choice. Truly every child born since 1973 has absolutely been a choice. They have been given the gift of life, chosen first by God and then my their mother. And those adopted have been chosen yet again. And it is sincerely an incredible thing to experience the joy of adoption.
Now having said all that, you will probably never find me picketing a clinic or lobbying on Capitol stairs. I will always vote pro-life (sorry Mr. President) and I will sign any solid pro-life petition that comes my way, but I know that isn't where the answers lie. Would I love to live in an a world where abortion didn't exist? I would. Do I expect to? I do not. I also don't believe the solution is in sexual education or making birth control more available. You can keep telling me teenagers are "going to have sex" and I will continue to tell any of them who will listen, not to unless they are married. If only a few listen, I will have at least done my part to make an impact. And even if I only change one opinion, I will have at least changed that one opinion. I'm not speaking from a soap box, I'm speaking from my experience, and that no one can deny.
The battle of abortion is not a mass war, but hand to hand combat, and it isn't to be fought against the woman who is making the choice to have one, but rather against the mindset she's been given to believe as absolute. It's a battle against the thought that it is the "best" way or the "only" way. It's a fight against hopelessness and fear. The day I walked into a clinic to have my abortion, I was looking for a way out, I was open to another road of thought. One of my saddest memories about that day is driving into the clinic parking lot. As I looked out the passenger window there were well intentioned people there picketing the clinic. I honestly believe their hearts were for the well-being of the babies. As we drove up to the lot though, they pointed fingers and began to yell. It was with harsh and angry tones that they cried out "Murderer!" at me. And it was in that moment that the clinic that I questioned entering suddenly became the safest place for me to go. I'm by no means judging the people who were there that day, but I do offer it as a warning to any who may feel called to do such a thing should do it in peace and love, whatever their motivation.
To a woman considering abortion I would say, weight your options yet again, there is only one direction that continues down the road of choice. To a woman who has already made the decision and is hurting from it, I would say, you are not alone, there is hope. I never cease to be amazed at how in a world where abortion is so acceptable, so few women who've had them are willing to talk about it. And they are everywhere, in your workplaces, even your churches, your families and many of them are in pain. I pray that both these groups of women discover there is help out there and there is hope.
It is hope that makes me pro-life, I choose to keep it alive. Of course, having said all of that, there is one reason greater than all I have written for my pro-life convictions. The strongest belief I hold about why I am pro-life comes from the scripture.
Genesis 1:26 says, Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness."
Human life was created with inherent value. It's value cannot be separated from the very life itself. Created lives are not accidents or mistakes, human life is made to reflect the image of the Creator Himself. Whether treasured or neglected, it loses no value, it is no less precious, only less appreciated. You are valuable because God created you. He chose to knit you together in a very specific way for a very specific purpose. From the color of your eyes and hair to the personality, strengths and talents He's given you, you are His precious creation. You just may not realize that. And unfortunately people don't realize that is the case with all human life, and so much valuable life is squandered through abortion. Babies being unplanned or unwanted don't make them less valuable, but unfortunately there is no coming back from abortion, the "choice" that ends all choices.
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! Psalm 139:13-17
For more of my personal experience with abortion, click here.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Rainbows
It's been raining like crazy here in Southern California for the last few days. We don't usually actually have "weather" here to speak of. We're in a desert (all of California is technically in a desert) and so normally it's sunny and clear around here. The truth of the matter is California isn't all that tough, we don't even stand up well under a little rain. We flood, we have mudslides, our streets and our pools overflow and everything just kind of becomes a mess.
I'm not really a fan of the rain. I hate driving in it because the fact of the matter is Californians don't know how to drive in the rain either. We have cars stalling out in puddles and fender benders all along the sides of the road, everything is just kind of crazy and chaotic. I might feel differently about the rain if I could spend the day watching it through a window while cuddled under a blanket in front of a fire and reading a good book. But life doesn't stop happening just because a little rain is falling, and by the time the weekend comes and I could actually semi-hibernate to sit back and enjoy the rain we'll be back to sunny skies and warmer weather... ok, actually it's going to be chilly by California standards (in the 60s), but warm to most everyone else, so I'll go with it.
I don't think it's rained this hard or this long in SoCal since El Niño hit back in the winter of 2002-03. That storm was relentless. It rained so long and so hard, that you could literally see the rain soaking into the outside of our walls up about three feet from the ground. It was constantly dark and cold, and everywhere you went you could smell the dampness. It was really overwhelming. It didn't help that we were in the thick of a personal storm. We were at the worst stage with E's adoption when everything seemed just as dark and gloomy as the weather outside.
There were a few particularly bad days when I thought I might be overwhelmed by both the real storm and the personal one. Life was challenging anyway, with a one-year-old and a two-year-old... and an eight-year-old for that matter. On top of that excessive stresses on the adoption front, and now so much rain I thought our house might just float off into the Pacific Ocean, and we're a good 20 miles from the beach.
One day I was home with the kids and there was finally a break in the rain. I took them outside to play in the puddles and saw the most amazing sight. Arched over our neighborhood were at least a half a dozen rainbows. It was the most amazing sight. Jacob and I marveled at the display in the sky, neighbors all coming out to admire the beauty. I just stood there in awe. And I asked Jake if he knew what the rainbow meant, and of course he did. He was very familiar with the story of Noah in the ninth chapter of Genesis.
And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.
In that moment it was a real blessing for me. It was a reminder, God always keeps His promises. He can be trusted. And in that season I was holding to His promise over Ethan, so the reminder meant the world to me, and I felt like God placed all those rainbows there just so I would remember. He is a good God and he can be trusted.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.
Psalm 145:13
I have been thinking about that amazing day a lot this week while these crazy storms keep coming against California one after another. I've been thinking a lot about rainbows. On the days when I have come home and there has been a break in the storm I have been stopping to look up into the sky to see if I could find a rainbow, but to no avail. Every opportunity, I found myself looking up, trying to find the promise.
I guess I must have mentioned it to the kids at some point this week because Jake was apparently on the lookout for a rainbow too. Today when the rain broke he was taking the trash outside when all of a sudden I heard him calling from the yard excitedly. There was a rainbow in the sky.
I grabbed my camera hoping to capture a photo the way I did years ago, but when I looked up in the sky I could barely see it. Jake had to point it out to me. On either side of the neighborhood there were the ends of the rainbow, but the arc in between wasn't able to be seen. Even the ends of the rainbow were dim, obscured by the clouds, and by the time I got my camera out, they too had disappeared, but there was a moment, and the beauty was seen. I didn't get the photo I wanted, or even the view I had hoped for, but I had been watching, and with a little help from my son, I got to see the promise.
When we came in the house Jake was talking about how it's so great that the rainbow comes after the storm. I told him not always, because today's storm wasn't over at all. Tonight the sky has been lit up with lightning and the thunder has been rolling loudly, the storm is perhaps even worse than it was this afternoon. The hint of the promise comes in the midst of the storm, sometimes, but I think you have to be watching for it.
It seems as though there are "storms" brewing on the horizon in our personal lives too. The forecast for Southern California promises sunshine by the weekend, but in life, we don't currently have that short term guarantee. It has not been definitively declared that we are in fact in for a "storm" in life, but the signs are there. Unlike the real weather, there is no meteorologist who can tell me what lies ahead, but like an arthritic knee might warn the layman, a stir in my spirit tells me the same about challenges ahead.
So I'm thinking about the need to look up. I need to be actively pursuing the sighting of the promises of God. It may not come in a brilliant display the way those rainbows did some seven years ago, they may be more like the sighting today. If we hadn't been looking, we might never have seen.
I want to be on the lookout for the promises of God in the storms of life. I think they are surely there, but sometimes hard to see, obscured by the clouds but still the declaration is there.
God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?
I have received a command to bless;
he has blessed, and I cannot change it.
Numbers 23:19-20
It makes it easier to face the potential storms with more confidence when I remember the character of my heavenly Father. I have had the privilege of having personal promises to hold to, like the promise of my daughter, and the security of my son, but I also know I have a whole bible full of promises to hold onto in the stormiest of days, but again, I think you have to be looking.
Interestingly, in my experience, rainbows only come on stormy days. I can't recall ever coming out on a beautiful sunny day to find a rainbow in the sky. It's only amidst the storms. That is the time the Lord chooses to set out His reminder of His promises and His faithfulness to always, always keep them.
If you're facing a storm, or caught in the midst of one, it occurs to me, that it's there the Lord wants to reveal to you (and me) the beauty of His faithfulness. He wants us to look up with hope and expectation in the midst of the storm and darkness and seek to find the Light and it's reflection. And maybe we'll just get a glimpse, but maybe we'll get to see an incredible display of His beauty.
...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:22-23
I'm not really a fan of the rain. I hate driving in it because the fact of the matter is Californians don't know how to drive in the rain either. We have cars stalling out in puddles and fender benders all along the sides of the road, everything is just kind of crazy and chaotic. I might feel differently about the rain if I could spend the day watching it through a window while cuddled under a blanket in front of a fire and reading a good book. But life doesn't stop happening just because a little rain is falling, and by the time the weekend comes and I could actually semi-hibernate to sit back and enjoy the rain we'll be back to sunny skies and warmer weather... ok, actually it's going to be chilly by California standards (in the 60s), but warm to most everyone else, so I'll go with it.
I don't think it's rained this hard or this long in SoCal since El Niño hit back in the winter of 2002-03. That storm was relentless. It rained so long and so hard, that you could literally see the rain soaking into the outside of our walls up about three feet from the ground. It was constantly dark and cold, and everywhere you went you could smell the dampness. It was really overwhelming. It didn't help that we were in the thick of a personal storm. We were at the worst stage with E's adoption when everything seemed just as dark and gloomy as the weather outside.
There were a few particularly bad days when I thought I might be overwhelmed by both the real storm and the personal one. Life was challenging anyway, with a one-year-old and a two-year-old... and an eight-year-old for that matter. On top of that excessive stresses on the adoption front, and now so much rain I thought our house might just float off into the Pacific Ocean, and we're a good 20 miles from the beach.
One day I was home with the kids and there was finally a break in the rain. I took them outside to play in the puddles and saw the most amazing sight. Arched over our neighborhood were at least a half a dozen rainbows. It was the most amazing sight. Jacob and I marveled at the display in the sky, neighbors all coming out to admire the beauty. I just stood there in awe. And I asked Jake if he knew what the rainbow meant, and of course he did. He was very familiar with the story of Noah in the ninth chapter of Genesis. In that moment it was a real blessing for me. It was a reminder, God always keeps His promises. He can be trusted. And in that season I was holding to His promise over Ethan, so the reminder meant the world to me, and I felt like God placed all those rainbows there just so I would remember. He is a good God and he can be trusted.
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.
Psalm 145:13
I have been thinking about that amazing day a lot this week while these crazy storms keep coming against California one after another. I've been thinking a lot about rainbows. On the days when I have come home and there has been a break in the storm I have been stopping to look up into the sky to see if I could find a rainbow, but to no avail. Every opportunity, I found myself looking up, trying to find the promise.
I guess I must have mentioned it to the kids at some point this week because Jake was apparently on the lookout for a rainbow too. Today when the rain broke he was taking the trash outside when all of a sudden I heard him calling from the yard excitedly. There was a rainbow in the sky.
I grabbed my camera hoping to capture a photo the way I did years ago, but when I looked up in the sky I could barely see it. Jake had to point it out to me. On either side of the neighborhood there were the ends of the rainbow, but the arc in between wasn't able to be seen. Even the ends of the rainbow were dim, obscured by the clouds, and by the time I got my camera out, they too had disappeared, but there was a moment, and the beauty was seen. I didn't get the photo I wanted, or even the view I had hoped for, but I had been watching, and with a little help from my son, I got to see the promise.
When we came in the house Jake was talking about how it's so great that the rainbow comes after the storm. I told him not always, because today's storm wasn't over at all. Tonight the sky has been lit up with lightning and the thunder has been rolling loudly, the storm is perhaps even worse than it was this afternoon. The hint of the promise comes in the midst of the storm, sometimes, but I think you have to be watching for it.
It seems as though there are "storms" brewing on the horizon in our personal lives too. The forecast for Southern California promises sunshine by the weekend, but in life, we don't currently have that short term guarantee. It has not been definitively declared that we are in fact in for a "storm" in life, but the signs are there. Unlike the real weather, there is no meteorologist who can tell me what lies ahead, but like an arthritic knee might warn the layman, a stir in my spirit tells me the same about challenges ahead.
So I'm thinking about the need to look up. I need to be actively pursuing the sighting of the promises of God. It may not come in a brilliant display the way those rainbows did some seven years ago, they may be more like the sighting today. If we hadn't been looking, we might never have seen.
I want to be on the lookout for the promises of God in the storms of life. I think they are surely there, but sometimes hard to see, obscured by the clouds but still the declaration is there.
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?
I have received a command to bless;
he has blessed, and I cannot change it.
Numbers 23:19-20
It makes it easier to face the potential storms with more confidence when I remember the character of my heavenly Father. I have had the privilege of having personal promises to hold to, like the promise of my daughter, and the security of my son, but I also know I have a whole bible full of promises to hold onto in the stormiest of days, but again, I think you have to be looking.
Interestingly, in my experience, rainbows only come on stormy days. I can't recall ever coming out on a beautiful sunny day to find a rainbow in the sky. It's only amidst the storms. That is the time the Lord chooses to set out His reminder of His promises and His faithfulness to always, always keep them.
If you're facing a storm, or caught in the midst of one, it occurs to me, that it's there the Lord wants to reveal to you (and me) the beauty of His faithfulness. He wants us to look up with hope and expectation in the midst of the storm and darkness and seek to find the Light and it's reflection. And maybe we'll just get a glimpse, but maybe we'll get to see an incredible display of His beauty. Hebrews 10:22-23
Sunday, January 17, 2010
God is Bigger
This morning in the shower I was singing songs trying to bolster my faith. We got some bad news yesterday that puts our livelihood in some serious jeopardy. It's not really unexpected news, I have felt for months like I have been keeping a deathbed vigil waiting for the last breath. What I didn't expect was this news was more like someone came in and turned down the oxygen. It isn't a fatal blow (yet) but it is undoubtedly a potential acceleration of the death process.
When I woke up this morning, my old nemesis "Anxiety" was waiting for me. It's a horrible way to wake up. Someone told me once they think it's so common to struggle with it coming out of sleep because we are vulnerable. Our minds are not focused and the enemy of our souls uses the opportunity to slip in and grip our hearts and spirits. I know for me at least, that's what it feels like, a strangle hold on my heart. I can't catch my breath in those moments.
This morning when I woke to it I just began to pray. And then I began to move. Laying in bed seems to exacerbate it. I had to get up out of bed. When anxiety comes that place that typically represents peace and rest feels more like a jail cell. So I got up and went in and started a morning workout. With part prayer and part distraction, I began to try and face the day.
After my work out I hit the shower. That always seems to be a place where the Lord will meet me. I don't know if it's my vulnerability or focus, but I always spend my time in the shower as a place of worship and prayer. Maybe it's not exactly what is meant my "prayer closet," but it works for me. The Lord has at times spoken pretty profoundly to me there. Not so this morning, so as Anxiety tried to wrestle with me, I tried to focus my mind on the Lord.
I began to sing. First I sang, "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Stronghold of my life, whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear?" Then I moved into a sing that was a constant companion for me in the years I battled infertility. "I will trust You Lord, when I don't know why, I will trust You Lord, till the day I die, I won't lose my faith in the One I love, I will trust You Lord...... Lord I'm keeping my eyes on You, following You, following You... My Lord I'm keeping my eyes on You..." I was trying to make the connection between my will and my words with the struggle in my heart. I sang "Blessed be Your name, in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name. Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name..."
I was grasping, for the words, for the faith, for the Lord. I would push against the fear, and it would rise up and push back. I thought about the song I sang through the years when we were battling for Ethan. "I will bless the Lord forever, I will trust Him at all times. I will not be moved, I say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my portion, Deliverer, my shelter strong tower, my very present help in time of need...." That song was such a source of strength for me during such a difficult time. When I look back on it, it was the hardest time, and it was the greatest time, to see God move, to sense His power in my life.
Singing that song made me think of the verse that Victoria's name comes from. 1 John 5:4 says, "for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." I had always thought of that verse as Victoria's verse, even though it was before there even was a Victoria. Then one really difficult day in the battle for Ethan when God spoke clearly and powerfully into my heart, and into our situation, I heard the Lord tell me that the verse wasn't just Victoria's verse, but it was a verse for our whole family. And this morning in the shower, I felt like He was reminding me of that truth again. I said out loud, "God is bigger." And then I had a whole different song in my head.
I remember singing this song to Jake when he was littler and he would be afraid at night in the dark. I would use it to encourage him and make him laugh when fear tried to enter his heart. I thought about the "boogie man" who wasn't even real, but had the power to frighten my child. He was relatively easy to overcome, the flip of a light switch, swinging open a closet door, and the source of the fear was brushed away. The boogie men of grown ups aren't always so easily dispelled.
I look into the future, and it has never seemed more uncertain. It seems like that just keeps becoming more and more accurate a way to describe the current state. I never really thought about it before, can something become more true? I don't know, but it surely seems as though it is. A year ago, I knew things were getting bad. A month ago, the sense was even stronger. A week ago it seemed really scary, and now today, it all seems even worse, even more true. The future seems really uncertain.
I've been here before, in different ways, over different things. But I have been in this spot before. I have asked the question, Will I ever have children? And I sit here now answering that question as the mother of three. And of one of those children, I had to ask the question, Will we lose our son? And I sit here with the answer to that question almost six years after final adoption papers were signed. Seemingly impossible questions, boogie men of sorts that at one time tried to overwhelm me. But God was bigger.
I had an message exchanged with a friend yesterday. I had expressed my fears that tried to overwhelm me yesterday and asked for prayer. In her reply she wrote the following to me: "We'll be praying for you and your lovely (and miraculous) family. I smile when I see your name on fb -- remembering wonderful moments over many years, when, together, we saw Jesus do the impossible."
Wow! What was I thinking? When I read her words yesterday it touched my heart, she helped me through some very deep hurts in the beginning of my walk with Christ. She has an interesting perspective on my life, and my walk, because there was a time when in the deepest trench she was my guide, and yet other times, a distant spectator. So when I read these words again today, it really hit me. My life, my family... because of the power of the Lord, is miraculous. God has never failed us. Not.once.ever.
My pastor gave a great message today (as always, it is God's word after all) and he shared this scripture, that I am choosing to hold onto today. "...God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27. Nothing is even remotely better right now than it was this morning when fear came in and tried to make itself at home in my heart. The fact of the matter is, there's a meeting tomorrow that will probably paint an even darker picture than what I was holding onto this morning, and honestly Anxiety is still standing just behind my shoulder trying to taunt me, but I cry "NO!" No, because God is bigger!! Whatever may come, my hope is in Christ.
It may be really bad, the road that lies ahead, but if it is, it's not a road I will have to walk alone. It could turn out to be much worse than I fear, or could be much better. I honestly have no way of knowing. I do not know what the future holds, however I do know Who holds the future, and that is quite simply, good enough.
I will grip tightly to my Daddy's hand, my heavenly Father. I will hold to Him and trust Him, knowing He will shine real Light into my darkness, and no boogie man will overcome me. Even if the fear turns out to be founded, and there is hurt and hard times ahead, I will hold on. I will remember the promise, "all things work together for the good to those that love God...
I will remember how time and again the Lord drove that proof home in my life, in my heart, and I will believe knowing, He is unchanging, and that that truth will stand again.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 6-7
YES LORD! I want that faith- again! I know what lies ahead may be the hardest of time, but it will be the best of time, if YOU are revealed in me. And Lord, I pray for the refilling of the strength to pray that prayer again as many times as is necessary.
Whatever we face, however dark or frightening it may seem, God is bigger. It is a truth we can hold to.
God is bigger than the boogie man
And He's watching out for you and me.
When I woke up this morning, my old nemesis "Anxiety" was waiting for me. It's a horrible way to wake up. Someone told me once they think it's so common to struggle with it coming out of sleep because we are vulnerable. Our minds are not focused and the enemy of our souls uses the opportunity to slip in and grip our hearts and spirits. I know for me at least, that's what it feels like, a strangle hold on my heart. I can't catch my breath in those moments.
This morning when I woke to it I just began to pray. And then I began to move. Laying in bed seems to exacerbate it. I had to get up out of bed. When anxiety comes that place that typically represents peace and rest feels more like a jail cell. So I got up and went in and started a morning workout. With part prayer and part distraction, I began to try and face the day.
After my work out I hit the shower. That always seems to be a place where the Lord will meet me. I don't know if it's my vulnerability or focus, but I always spend my time in the shower as a place of worship and prayer. Maybe it's not exactly what is meant my "prayer closet," but it works for me. The Lord has at times spoken pretty profoundly to me there. Not so this morning, so as Anxiety tried to wrestle with me, I tried to focus my mind on the Lord.
I began to sing. First I sang, "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Stronghold of my life, whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear?" Then I moved into a sing that was a constant companion for me in the years I battled infertility. "I will trust You Lord, when I don't know why, I will trust You Lord, till the day I die, I won't lose my faith in the One I love, I will trust You Lord...... Lord I'm keeping my eyes on You, following You, following You... My Lord I'm keeping my eyes on You..." I was trying to make the connection between my will and my words with the struggle in my heart. I sang "Blessed be Your name, in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name. Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name..."
I was grasping, for the words, for the faith, for the Lord. I would push against the fear, and it would rise up and push back. I thought about the song I sang through the years when we were battling for Ethan. "I will bless the Lord forever, I will trust Him at all times. I will not be moved, I say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my portion, Deliverer, my shelter strong tower, my very present help in time of need...." That song was such a source of strength for me during such a difficult time. When I look back on it, it was the hardest time, and it was the greatest time, to see God move, to sense His power in my life.
Singing that song made me think of the verse that Victoria's name comes from. 1 John 5:4 says, "for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." I had always thought of that verse as Victoria's verse, even though it was before there even was a Victoria. Then one really difficult day in the battle for Ethan when God spoke clearly and powerfully into my heart, and into our situation, I heard the Lord tell me that the verse wasn't just Victoria's verse, but it was a verse for our whole family. And this morning in the shower, I felt like He was reminding me of that truth again. I said out loud, "God is bigger." And then I had a whole different song in my head.
I remember singing this song to Jake when he was littler and he would be afraid at night in the dark. I would use it to encourage him and make him laugh when fear tried to enter his heart. I thought about the "boogie man" who wasn't even real, but had the power to frighten my child. He was relatively easy to overcome, the flip of a light switch, swinging open a closet door, and the source of the fear was brushed away. The boogie men of grown ups aren't always so easily dispelled.
I look into the future, and it has never seemed more uncertain. It seems like that just keeps becoming more and more accurate a way to describe the current state. I never really thought about it before, can something become more true? I don't know, but it surely seems as though it is. A year ago, I knew things were getting bad. A month ago, the sense was even stronger. A week ago it seemed really scary, and now today, it all seems even worse, even more true. The future seems really uncertain.
I've been here before, in different ways, over different things. But I have been in this spot before. I have asked the question, Will I ever have children? And I sit here now answering that question as the mother of three. And of one of those children, I had to ask the question, Will we lose our son? And I sit here with the answer to that question almost six years after final adoption papers were signed. Seemingly impossible questions, boogie men of sorts that at one time tried to overwhelm me. But God was bigger. I had an message exchanged with a friend yesterday. I had expressed my fears that tried to overwhelm me yesterday and asked for prayer. In her reply she wrote the following to me: "We'll be praying for you and your lovely (and miraculous) family. I smile when I see your name on fb -- remembering wonderful moments over many years, when, together, we saw Jesus do the impossible."
Wow! What was I thinking? When I read her words yesterday it touched my heart, she helped me through some very deep hurts in the beginning of my walk with Christ. She has an interesting perspective on my life, and my walk, because there was a time when in the deepest trench she was my guide, and yet other times, a distant spectator. So when I read these words again today, it really hit me. My life, my family... because of the power of the Lord, is miraculous. God has never failed us. Not.once.ever.
My pastor gave a great message today (as always, it is God's word after all) and he shared this scripture, that I am choosing to hold onto today. "...God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27. Nothing is even remotely better right now than it was this morning when fear came in and tried to make itself at home in my heart. The fact of the matter is, there's a meeting tomorrow that will probably paint an even darker picture than what I was holding onto this morning, and honestly Anxiety is still standing just behind my shoulder trying to taunt me, but I cry "NO!" No, because God is bigger!! Whatever may come, my hope is in Christ.
It may be really bad, the road that lies ahead, but if it is, it's not a road I will have to walk alone. It could turn out to be much worse than I fear, or could be much better. I honestly have no way of knowing. I do not know what the future holds, however I do know Who holds the future, and that is quite simply, good enough.
I will grip tightly to my Daddy's hand, my heavenly Father. I will hold to Him and trust Him, knowing He will shine real Light into my darkness, and no boogie man will overcome me. Even if the fear turns out to be founded, and there is hurt and hard times ahead, I will hold on. I will remember the promise, "all things work together for the good to those that love God...
I will remember how time and again the Lord drove that proof home in my life, in my heart, and I will believe knowing, He is unchanging, and that that truth will stand again.
1 Peter 6-7
YES LORD! I want that faith- again! I know what lies ahead may be the hardest of time, but it will be the best of time, if YOU are revealed in me. And Lord, I pray for the refilling of the strength to pray that prayer again as many times as is necessary.
Whatever we face, however dark or frightening it may seem, God is bigger. It is a truth we can hold to.
And He's watching out for you and me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Wonderings
Luke 9:23-24
I read this scripture the other day during my daily reading, and it's been sort of haunting me ever since. Now mind you, I am no theologian, and not a bible scholar in any sense of the meaning, so these are just the musings of a wife and mother who loves the Lord and has a love for the Word of God. So if it turns out you have some theological response or issue to it, please know I was never trying to start a debate, I'm just sharing my "wonderings" here.
These are the words of Christ, here in Luke 9. He's talking with His disciples, his most intimate friends. He has just asked Peter who he believes Him to be and Peter has confessed Him as the Christ. These men that Jesus called to walk with Him were not bible scholars either, they were common men, fisherman, a tax collector, just regular guys. So I don't know how well they knew the scriptures, to the letter. I don't know if they had studied deeply the words of Isaiah and the other prophets of old. Honestly I wonder how completely anyone understood the prophecies before they were fulfilled. I am not saying they had a strict understanding, I'm not saying they were clueless, I'm just saying, I wonder.
So here is why this scripture sort of stopped me, Jesus made this statement about "taking up the cross" before He himself had gone to His to be crucified. When we look at the cross from our perspective, after Jesus died there, we have the privilege of a clear understanding of what was accomplished there. We see not only the purpose of the sacrifice, but the accomplishment of it. When we, or at least I, look at the cross, the beauty of it is seen. But when Jesus said these words to the disciples there was nothing beautiful about it.
When Jesus made this statement to them, the cross was a form or punishment and torture. Other than it being a pathway to eternity, there really was nothing redemptive about it. It certainly wasn't beautiful.
So I wonder to myself, what were they thinking? Maybe it was a saying in those days? "Take up your cross," as though to bear their own burden, but what did it mean? Was it the equivalent of the modern day attitude of "death and taxes" being life's only guarantees? Because I cannot begin to fathom before Christ on the cross anyone taking this admonition well.
So I wonder did they just take Jesus at his word? Did it not matter to them whether or not it was logical, whether it made sense? Was it just simple faith in action. Did they think to themselves, "it doesn't make sense, but if Jesus said it, it must be true..."??
Honestly, I don't have any the answers to my "wonderings" but what does occur to me, is that sometimes we do have to have that exact attitude. Sometimes we have to look at God's words, and obey even when we don't fully understand it, or it doesn't make sense.
Sometimes we have to forgive, even when the person we're asked to forgive isn't sorry for their actions.
Sometimes we have to give, even when it hurts.
Sometimes we have to make ourselves vulnerable, or we have to allow ourselves to be embarrassed, or we have to walk right into rejection just because He's said so.
Sometimes we even have to do these things over and over again.
If the disciples didn't understand but they were willing to take Jesus at his word, and apparently not question Him. They had more faith in the source of the words than the actual words. I think I'd like to have that kind of faith. Maybe sometimes I do, but I would like to always have that kind of faith.
I know there have been seasons in my life I have been able to exercise faith like that, but I would like to be the kind of person who walks so closely with Him, it would never occur to me to entertain even a moment of doubt.
1 Peter 1:24-25
Friday, January 8, 2010
Speed Bumps
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing well." It's something I tell me kids from time to time. Usually it's said in frustration because it has not been accomplished in some given task, a homework assignment, a chore, a project - whatever the case may be. It's usually said when effort is lacking, or the goal of "getting it done" has just been to get past it, rather than to actually accomplish the task.
So when the reminder isn't required, when things are "done well" from the get go, I find myself very pleased. Those are those "proud mama" moments we mothers live for. Truth be told my children are not the only ones who often need the reminder. I am often tempted to do as little as necessary for the sake of being finished, perseverance isn't necessarily my strong suit. But when I manage to apply this principal in my own life, it makes me proud. Not the negative, "full of self" kind of pride, but the joyful excitement that I am putting my best foot forward, doing it (whatever "it" may be) "as unto the Lord."
So I've been really excited about how this year has started. I made a commitment to put "first things first," and have had the determination to stick to it. And I have to say, it had really started great! I found myself getting in to quite a groove with my daily work outs. Yes, did you catch that? Work outs, as in plural, more than one! I was getting up in the mornings before work and before my daily devotional time and getting a morning work out and then having a 2nd one in the afternoons. And did you catch that too? Morning devotionals... I have been keeping up nicely with my church's bible reading plan. I even discovered the benefit of working out first, I was wide awake and my mind was sharper for reading. I was really enjoying the sense of accomplishment, living out, "anything worth doing is worth doing well."
I read somewhere once that 21 days is how long it takes to create a new habit, so I was really disappointed when I ran into some trouble on day 6. The stomach flu hit our house Tuesday afternoon. When I picked my daughter up from school I was informed she had thrown up just moments before I got there. I had already missed a day's work with Ethan who had complications from a dental appointment that day. It didn't hinder my workouts though, and my reading was on track. Tuesday evening was spent racing after my daughter every time she raced for the bathroom, easily more than a dozen times before she finally went to bed that night. She said it made her feel better if I rubbed her back while things were... um... er... happening. This is the child who somewhere along the way cured me of my vomit issues. I used to have to run the other way, I remember flat out bailing out on Neal in the early days of our marriage when he got... uh... sick. But I digress.
After one episode that evening I looked my daughter in the eye and said, "you know you're going to give this to me, right?" Apologetically she smiled back and said, "I know, but I feel so much better when you're here and rubbing my back." Yeah, that's what being a mama is all about. So I kept running the race with her throughout the evening. Wednesday morning I got up and did my work out and my bible reading after I took Ethan to school. I was stuck home all day with my little sickie, so I took advantage of the extra half hour of sleep in the morning. Victoria had a pretty good day Wednesday, no races, and I did a longer workout combining my morning and afternoon routines and read the daily reading.
By Wednesday afternoon I was starting to feel a little... funny. I couldn't go to church with the boys, even though Victoria seemed well at this point. No school, no church. I spent the evening trying to figure out the funny feelings in my tummy. Was it hunger? (Wish I had guessed "no.") Was it side effects of being back on my low carb diet? (It happens.) Or was it something worse? And by about 10 o'clock that night, I got my answer. It was undoubtedly, the something worse. Thanks Victoria, you're such a giver.
Wednesday night was miserable, sleepless and awful. By Thursday morning I knew I couldn't even drive my kids to school with any confidence. Neal had to come home and take them for me and I literally slept buried in covers till 1 pm. When I finally got up things were still awry and I felt like someone had run me over with a Mack truck. It wasn't pretty at all. At all, at all. Working out was not an option. I did manage to stand on the Wii board long enough to do my daily body test. The computer told me, "your legs seem a little shaky." Yeah, you have no idea. It was even hard to be excited about the 2.9 lbs I had lost since the previous day. (Though if you're going to find a silver lining...)
I spent most of the day yesterday crashed on the couch. Achy, weak, tired and... off. Working out never became an option. It was almost bedtime when I finally grabbed a bible and read the daily reading. Yay for that at least, because of all my goals, that remains the most important. Today is a new day, but my body is still recovering. I got on for my body test this morning with a "Wii fit age" 18 years older than it was before the flu hit. That sounds about right. Although today I should have at least made it back to work but even that didn't happen because my daughter decided to have a relapse this morning, I blame her father's brilliant idea of giving her tuna for dinner last night. (Sorry for all you visual people.)
So, I have undoubtedly hit a hindrance along the way to 21 days to creating a new habit. I'm hugely disappointed. Now the question remains, will this be a detour or a speed bump?
Too many times in the past I have let glitches become detours, turning me away from the road I was on and never actually finding my way back to it at all. Unfinished stories, weight loss plans abandoned, giving up on reading plans three chapters into Leviticus, there's a long history of "almosts," "not quites," and "never was." And I have to tell you, I'm a little fed up with the me that has allowed them.
So I am determined not to let 2010 be another year that fizzles out before the first month of the year, much less the first week. I want this glitch to be nothing more than a speed bump, that may have slowed me down, but will not throw me off track. But my greatest determination comes in deciding that I'm not going to try to do this in my own strength. I believe the Lord is the One who helped me start this tear off well, and I am going to believe on Him to help me get back on track. As soon as my body cooperates, I'll get back to that work out... those work outs. I'll determine to keep on keeping on with that readinging plan, through Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronmomy! After all, the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." So I am going to trust and pray He is in on the new "First Things First" plan with me, and we'll get back to it ASAP. It's worth the effort, after all, anything worth doing is worth doing well.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17
So when the reminder isn't required, when things are "done well" from the get go, I find myself very pleased. Those are those "proud mama" moments we mothers live for. Truth be told my children are not the only ones who often need the reminder. I am often tempted to do as little as necessary for the sake of being finished, perseverance isn't necessarily my strong suit. But when I manage to apply this principal in my own life, it makes me proud. Not the negative, "full of self" kind of pride, but the joyful excitement that I am putting my best foot forward, doing it (whatever "it" may be) "as unto the Lord."
So I've been really excited about how this year has started. I made a commitment to put "first things first," and have had the determination to stick to it. And I have to say, it had really started great! I found myself getting in to quite a groove with my daily work outs. Yes, did you catch that? Work outs, as in plural, more than one! I was getting up in the mornings before work and before my daily devotional time and getting a morning work out and then having a 2nd one in the afternoons. And did you catch that too? Morning devotionals... I have been keeping up nicely with my church's bible reading plan. I even discovered the benefit of working out first, I was wide awake and my mind was sharper for reading. I was really enjoying the sense of accomplishment, living out, "anything worth doing is worth doing well."
I read somewhere once that 21 days is how long it takes to create a new habit, so I was really disappointed when I ran into some trouble on day 6. The stomach flu hit our house Tuesday afternoon. When I picked my daughter up from school I was informed she had thrown up just moments before I got there. I had already missed a day's work with Ethan who had complications from a dental appointment that day. It didn't hinder my workouts though, and my reading was on track. Tuesday evening was spent racing after my daughter every time she raced for the bathroom, easily more than a dozen times before she finally went to bed that night. She said it made her feel better if I rubbed her back while things were... um... er... happening. This is the child who somewhere along the way cured me of my vomit issues. I used to have to run the other way, I remember flat out bailing out on Neal in the early days of our marriage when he got... uh... sick. But I digress.
After one episode that evening I looked my daughter in the eye and said, "you know you're going to give this to me, right?" Apologetically she smiled back and said, "I know, but I feel so much better when you're here and rubbing my back." Yeah, that's what being a mama is all about. So I kept running the race with her throughout the evening. Wednesday morning I got up and did my work out and my bible reading after I took Ethan to school. I was stuck home all day with my little sickie, so I took advantage of the extra half hour of sleep in the morning. Victoria had a pretty good day Wednesday, no races, and I did a longer workout combining my morning and afternoon routines and read the daily reading.
By Wednesday afternoon I was starting to feel a little... funny. I couldn't go to church with the boys, even though Victoria seemed well at this point. No school, no church. I spent the evening trying to figure out the funny feelings in my tummy. Was it hunger? (Wish I had guessed "no.") Was it side effects of being back on my low carb diet? (It happens.) Or was it something worse? And by about 10 o'clock that night, I got my answer. It was undoubtedly, the something worse. Thanks Victoria, you're such a giver.
Wednesday night was miserable, sleepless and awful. By Thursday morning I knew I couldn't even drive my kids to school with any confidence. Neal had to come home and take them for me and I literally slept buried in covers till 1 pm. When I finally got up things were still awry and I felt like someone had run me over with a Mack truck. It wasn't pretty at all. At all, at all. Working out was not an option. I did manage to stand on the Wii board long enough to do my daily body test. The computer told me, "your legs seem a little shaky." Yeah, you have no idea. It was even hard to be excited about the 2.9 lbs I had lost since the previous day. (Though if you're going to find a silver lining...)
I spent most of the day yesterday crashed on the couch. Achy, weak, tired and... off. Working out never became an option. It was almost bedtime when I finally grabbed a bible and read the daily reading. Yay for that at least, because of all my goals, that remains the most important. Today is a new day, but my body is still recovering. I got on for my body test this morning with a "Wii fit age" 18 years older than it was before the flu hit. That sounds about right. Although today I should have at least made it back to work but even that didn't happen because my daughter decided to have a relapse this morning, I blame her father's brilliant idea of giving her tuna for dinner last night. (Sorry for all you visual people.)
So, I have undoubtedly hit a hindrance along the way to 21 days to creating a new habit. I'm hugely disappointed. Now the question remains, will this be a detour or a speed bump?
Too many times in the past I have let glitches become detours, turning me away from the road I was on and never actually finding my way back to it at all. Unfinished stories, weight loss plans abandoned, giving up on reading plans three chapters into Leviticus, there's a long history of "almosts," "not quites," and "never was." And I have to tell you, I'm a little fed up with the me that has allowed them.
So I am determined not to let 2010 be another year that fizzles out before the first month of the year, much less the first week. I want this glitch to be nothing more than a speed bump, that may have slowed me down, but will not throw me off track. But my greatest determination comes in deciding that I'm not going to try to do this in my own strength. I believe the Lord is the One who helped me start this tear off well, and I am going to believe on Him to help me get back on track. As soon as my body cooperates, I'll get back to that work out... those work outs. I'll determine to keep on keeping on with that readinging plan, through Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronmomy! After all, the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." So I am going to trust and pray He is in on the new "First Things First" plan with me, and we'll get back to it ASAP. It's worth the effort, after all, anything worth doing is worth doing well.
Colossians 3:17
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Falling In Love Again
It's been almost 21 years (wow!) since I fell in love with my dear husband, but I can sit here close my eyes and still remember so many details about that time in my life. I remember the way my blood pressure would rise just thinking about him, feeling my heart swell at the anticipation of spending time with him. It doesn't hurt that he can still rise my blood pressure and still make my heart go pitter patter, but this was a different kind of love, a new love. OK, OK before you go running and screaming from the computer, this post isn't about my passionate love for my husband, though if you'd like to read about that, you can do so here.
What I do want to talk about today is similar though, my heart's been set a pitter patter again, but not for my dear husband, but rather for my First Love, the greatest romance of my life, my love for the Lord. I'm not falling in love for the first time, like I did with Neal nearly 21 years ago, but I am falling in love again like I did almost 19 years ago with my Lord and Savior.
2010 has started off nicely, it feels more fresh and new than any year I can recall in recent history. I know it had lots to do with my unplugging in the transition of the New Year, but it's being built upon with renewed focus and a new effort towards discipline in life. Discipline and romance? How does that compute? I don't know actually, but it does.
Actually, I guess it does make sense. I never feel more loved than when my husband makes me feel like a priority. He does it in lots of different ways. Sometimes I'll hear him on the phone with a friend and I hear him say, "OK, let me check with my wife and I'll get back to you." It blesses my heart to know he is putting me and our marriage ahead of whatever adventure he's being invited into on the other end of that line. Or sometimes when my kids have made a poor choice and been disrespectful to me, I hear him say, "Don't talk to my wife (your mom) that way," and crazy as it seems it makes me really happy. It tells me he values me, because I belong to him, I hold a place in his life above all other people. Most of all when Neal sets aside time just for me, that really makes me feel loved. I remember for my 35th birthday when he went out of the way to plan a whole weekend just for the two of us. He booked a room at a bed & breakfast in Solvang (one of my favorite places) for a weekend, made arrangements for childcare, booked us a train ride, rented a car, and surprised me with the whole thing. He quite literally swept me off my feet, and it required a lot of planning, purposefulness and well... discipline to accomplish it, but it meant the world to me, and I felt so very loved.
Well, I've been trying to exercise the same kind of discipline with my First Love since the start of this New Year. I have decided that spending time with God needs to come first. I have decided that my time and attention need to be directed at him above all else. I've joined in with my church in the reading plan for the year, not just because I want to click something off a "to do" list, but because I know the Father is found there, in those words. I'm not reading and rushing but rather like my pastor said recently, I am seeking to "read the scriptures and be read by the scriptures."
The other night I rented a great movie (that I highly recommend) called Joshua. At one point in the movie this rather angry priest is talking about the scriptures, preaching hell, fire and brimstone, sharing a very legalistic view of the word when he turns to the main character and asks him holding out the bible what he makes this book out to be. Joshua looks at him and says, "It's a love letter." I suppose that sentiment has become somewhat of a cliche, but it doesn't make it any less true. (Cliches become cliches for a reason after all, don't they?)
So it occurs to me, if He took the time to write this beautiful love letter for me, then shouldn't I, at the very least, take the time to read it? Does it require discipline and effort? Well, yes it does, because the fact of the matter is, my Love has a lot he wants to say to me. But knowing the nature of my Love, He is not wasteful with His words, so each of them are important, none to be ignored. I have decided that this needs to take precedence over other activities in my life, like hours of time on Facebook and in front of the television on the couch... sometimes all three at once. Instead I want to spend the bulk of my time cultivating my romance. As much as I would like though to spend all day reading my love letter, practicality wins out. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I have three kids who need me, a husband who's needs I want to meet, a job, a house that requires time and attention, life continually going on. It has to be tended to, and it turns out there is even still an appropriate time and a place for Facebook and TV watching (like the awesome time I had watching Joshua).
The difference I am finding here in the New Year, what is working to care for the greatest romance of my life, is God's place in all my activities, He's #1. Oh Lord, as I proclaim it, please by Your Spirit, help me to maintain it.
The bible says it like this, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17.
I'm putting Him first, for the first time in a long time, and everything. feels. so. different.
When Neal makes me feel like a priority, like he did on my 35th birthday, I want nothing more than to show him my love in return. I was so grateful for that weekend, not just for the time spent but the effort he put out to make it happen. I look back on that weekend with the fondest of memories because we just were able to enjoy each other's company so much. We just hung out together, focusing on each other, on our marriage. It strengthened the bond between us. Not only did I feel loved, but by the end of the weekend I know I had managed to show him love too, as much as he gave, I did my best to give back. We both came home feeling refreshed and renewed.
It's a lot like what I have been feeling these past few days, but even more so. As I have given my relationship with the Lord the honor and attention it deserves, reading, praying, meditating, even just "chatting" with God, I cannot begin to express to you how much I have been made aware of His love for me in return, and the strength I have found in it, is nothing short of miraculous.
I've been trying to take better care of myself physically in the New Year too. And I am coming to realize even that is a form of worship to the Father when kept in balance and perspective. My body and my health are gifts from God, and I need to be a good steward of them. The other night my son Ethan said something very profound. He said, "I only have one life, so I have to use it wisely." Unfortunately he was talking about the Mario Bros game on the Wii, but the truth of what he said rang in my heart. It's so much more true for us than it was for him in his game.
I've managed to work out every day so far this year, but this morning it was hard to get out of bed. For a moment I thought about enjoying another half hour's sleep before I got up to do my morning reading, but then I remembered that yesterday spending half an hour stretching and exercising made me a lot more awake and alert when I sat down to read the Word. So when I realized it was to the benefit of my relationship with Him, I got out of bed instead of heading back to sleep. Lord, continue to be my strength and my center in all I do.
Even as I am sitting here writing this blog, I cannot tell you how many times I have stopped and asked Him to help me find the words to share what He wants me to share. I want Him to be first in that too.
I have to tell you, it's so much like falling in love 19 years ago. My mind is consumed with Him, I fall asleep thinking about Him, I wake up thinking about Him. Last night Neal and I went to the store together and as we were packing our groceries in our car one of the store employees came over and started making conversation. Before I knew it he was telling us about some serious concerns in his life. I could hear the Lord in my ear, "pray for him." So before he walked away, I asked him if we could. The three of us stood in the parking lot and Neal and I laid hands on him. That is so not my nature. But even being in the grocery store parking lot had become about Him, my relationship with Him, and it's wonderful.
Unlike the potential to fail in reciprocating Neal's love when he makes me a priority through effort and discipline (of romance), the Lord will never fail in responding to my attempts to deepen my relationship with Him. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8 says. It's "kingdom math" and I love and appreciate that so much. It's a guarantee, and the Lord will never fail to accomplish it.
I pray 2010 will be a year of Great Romance, the greatest of romances, because as much as I give and invest, I can never outgive God, and the return is unending. May 2010 be a year of Great Romance in your life as well... in Jesus' name.
What I do want to talk about today is similar though, my heart's been set a pitter patter again, but not for my dear husband, but rather for my First Love, the greatest romance of my life, my love for the Lord. I'm not falling in love for the first time, like I did with Neal nearly 21 years ago, but I am falling in love again like I did almost 19 years ago with my Lord and Savior.
2010 has started off nicely, it feels more fresh and new than any year I can recall in recent history. I know it had lots to do with my unplugging in the transition of the New Year, but it's being built upon with renewed focus and a new effort towards discipline in life. Discipline and romance? How does that compute? I don't know actually, but it does.
Actually, I guess it does make sense. I never feel more loved than when my husband makes me feel like a priority. He does it in lots of different ways. Sometimes I'll hear him on the phone with a friend and I hear him say, "OK, let me check with my wife and I'll get back to you." It blesses my heart to know he is putting me and our marriage ahead of whatever adventure he's being invited into on the other end of that line. Or sometimes when my kids have made a poor choice and been disrespectful to me, I hear him say, "Don't talk to my wife (your mom) that way," and crazy as it seems it makes me really happy. It tells me he values me, because I belong to him, I hold a place in his life above all other people. Most of all when Neal sets aside time just for me, that really makes me feel loved. I remember for my 35th birthday when he went out of the way to plan a whole weekend just for the two of us. He booked a room at a bed & breakfast in Solvang (one of my favorite places) for a weekend, made arrangements for childcare, booked us a train ride, rented a car, and surprised me with the whole thing. He quite literally swept me off my feet, and it required a lot of planning, purposefulness and well... discipline to accomplish it, but it meant the world to me, and I felt so very loved.
Well, I've been trying to exercise the same kind of discipline with my First Love since the start of this New Year. I have decided that spending time with God needs to come first. I have decided that my time and attention need to be directed at him above all else. I've joined in with my church in the reading plan for the year, not just because I want to click something off a "to do" list, but because I know the Father is found there, in those words. I'm not reading and rushing but rather like my pastor said recently, I am seeking to "read the scriptures and be read by the scriptures."
The other night I rented a great movie (that I highly recommend) called Joshua. At one point in the movie this rather angry priest is talking about the scriptures, preaching hell, fire and brimstone, sharing a very legalistic view of the word when he turns to the main character and asks him holding out the bible what he makes this book out to be. Joshua looks at him and says, "It's a love letter." I suppose that sentiment has become somewhat of a cliche, but it doesn't make it any less true. (Cliches become cliches for a reason after all, don't they?)
So it occurs to me, if He took the time to write this beautiful love letter for me, then shouldn't I, at the very least, take the time to read it? Does it require discipline and effort? Well, yes it does, because the fact of the matter is, my Love has a lot he wants to say to me. But knowing the nature of my Love, He is not wasteful with His words, so each of them are important, none to be ignored. I have decided that this needs to take precedence over other activities in my life, like hours of time on Facebook and in front of the television on the couch... sometimes all three at once. Instead I want to spend the bulk of my time cultivating my romance. As much as I would like though to spend all day reading my love letter, practicality wins out. I am a wife, a mom, an employee. I have three kids who need me, a husband who's needs I want to meet, a job, a house that requires time and attention, life continually going on. It has to be tended to, and it turns out there is even still an appropriate time and a place for Facebook and TV watching (like the awesome time I had watching Joshua).The difference I am finding here in the New Year, what is working to care for the greatest romance of my life, is God's place in all my activities, He's #1. Oh Lord, as I proclaim it, please by Your Spirit, help me to maintain it.
The bible says it like this, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17.
I'm putting Him first, for the first time in a long time, and everything. feels. so. different.
When Neal makes me feel like a priority, like he did on my 35th birthday, I want nothing more than to show him my love in return. I was so grateful for that weekend, not just for the time spent but the effort he put out to make it happen. I look back on that weekend with the fondest of memories because we just were able to enjoy each other's company so much. We just hung out together, focusing on each other, on our marriage. It strengthened the bond between us. Not only did I feel loved, but by the end of the weekend I know I had managed to show him love too, as much as he gave, I did my best to give back. We both came home feeling refreshed and renewed.
It's a lot like what I have been feeling these past few days, but even more so. As I have given my relationship with the Lord the honor and attention it deserves, reading, praying, meditating, even just "chatting" with God, I cannot begin to express to you how much I have been made aware of His love for me in return, and the strength I have found in it, is nothing short of miraculous.
I've been trying to take better care of myself physically in the New Year too. And I am coming to realize even that is a form of worship to the Father when kept in balance and perspective. My body and my health are gifts from God, and I need to be a good steward of them. The other night my son Ethan said something very profound. He said, "I only have one life, so I have to use it wisely." Unfortunately he was talking about the Mario Bros game on the Wii, but the truth of what he said rang in my heart. It's so much more true for us than it was for him in his game.
I've managed to work out every day so far this year, but this morning it was hard to get out of bed. For a moment I thought about enjoying another half hour's sleep before I got up to do my morning reading, but then I remembered that yesterday spending half an hour stretching and exercising made me a lot more awake and alert when I sat down to read the Word. So when I realized it was to the benefit of my relationship with Him, I got out of bed instead of heading back to sleep. Lord, continue to be my strength and my center in all I do.
Even as I am sitting here writing this blog, I cannot tell you how many times I have stopped and asked Him to help me find the words to share what He wants me to share. I want Him to be first in that too.
I have to tell you, it's so much like falling in love 19 years ago. My mind is consumed with Him, I fall asleep thinking about Him, I wake up thinking about Him. Last night Neal and I went to the store together and as we were packing our groceries in our car one of the store employees came over and started making conversation. Before I knew it he was telling us about some serious concerns in his life. I could hear the Lord in my ear, "pray for him." So before he walked away, I asked him if we could. The three of us stood in the parking lot and Neal and I laid hands on him. That is so not my nature. But even being in the grocery store parking lot had become about Him, my relationship with Him, and it's wonderful.
Unlike the potential to fail in reciprocating Neal's love when he makes me a priority through effort and discipline (of romance), the Lord will never fail in responding to my attempts to deepen my relationship with Him. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8 says. It's "kingdom math" and I love and appreciate that so much. It's a guarantee, and the Lord will never fail to accomplish it.
I pray 2010 will be a year of Great Romance, the greatest of romances, because as much as I give and invest, I can never outgive God, and the return is unending. May 2010 be a year of Great Romance in your life as well... in Jesus' name.
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