Children

A lot of people think we have children to lead them and teach them. We're very focused on what we can impart or pass down, but the longer I am a parent, the more I realize God uses my children to teach me far more than I will ever teach them.

I have three great kids. Each of them has their own giftings, the own strengths and their own weaknesses. I think I parent them each differently too, but that isn't always a good thing.

My daughter Victoria was my "promised child" who I waited a very long time for. She's the one I cuddle with, and it doesn't hurt our relationship that she thinks I set the moon. She's my only girl and there are sides to motherhood that can only be experienced with a daughter. My Ethan fascinates me. He's this incredible kid, he's funny, bright and often misunderstood. He has a heart of gold hidden inside the classic "rough and tumble" ALL-boy. These two children were born into my life when I was in my thirties, I was a little more settled, and a lot more seasoned in my parenting.

And then there is Jacob. I've joked before that he was my "practice kid." The truth is he has probably suffered a lot from my immaturity and ignorance as a parent. When he was little I was always pushing and demanding. Everything Jake did was a reflection on me as a parent (in my mind) and I was really hard on him, too hard on him. And even though I learned a lot about that before the other two came along, by the time my lessons were learned, bad habits were ingrained in my relationship with Jake. I am still too demanding and too hard on him. And yet, by some miracle, he is still this really incredible kid. He's smart and funny, he's engaging, he can hold himself with any adult and yet be completely tender and entertaining with children, toddlers and babies.

I look at Jake and see a lot of both myself and his dad in him. He has my sarcastic and wise-cracking sense of humor. I can't tell you how many times I would see something and as a comment came into my head, it came out of Jake's mouth. He also has my lazy streak, which would drive me nuts anyway, but more so because it's a reminder of what I don't like about me. And he's slow moving like his dad, combine that with the laziness, well, let's just say it challenges me. But he also has a lot of his dad's best qualities. He's a gentleman to the core, very kind in his ways, and he's never met anyone that he couldn't find something good about to focus on. He's a genuinely nice guy.

Right now is a hard time. Jake's in the thick of adolesence. It's a crazy mixed-up, emotional, hormone driven season in his life. We're really down to our last few years of having him in our home. And as he spends those day, he'll be busy becoming a man. I'm trying hard to redeem the time. There's a lot of damage and baggage to be overcome. I don't think it can be undone, in fact, I'm certain of it, but God can turn it for good, and I am praying that He will.

The truth of the matter is that it will have very little to do with Jake and all. God needs to do a life-changing work in me. I know He will, but I know it will be a process. I'm trying very hard to open myself up and allow God to do whatever work He desires to do. It may be painful at times, but I want to become the mom Jake deserves, and if a better mom to Ethan and Victoria too, then it will be all the better.

If you think of us, pray for Jake and I. Pray we both grow closer to the Lord and each other in the time that lies ahead.

Discontent

Sigh. That sort of starts it off clearly, doesn't it?

I have confessed here before today that I have been struggling. Life has just felt like an uphill battle. My prayer life and my joy quota have suffered severely because of it. Of course, those are all so tightly knit. No prayer, no joy, more struggle; more struggle, less joy, less prayer; joy fades, struggle increases; no desire to pray.

A couple weeks ago, the Lord gave me this vision. Not some supernaturally strange experience where I left my body or anything, but I am a "word picture" kind of gal, even when I teach it's often with word pictures, and I know the Lord was trying to speak to me. He showed me this picture of a drowning man. I saw him in the water, panicking and struggling, and the more he fought the water to try to get above it, the more weary he became and the more perilous the situation. And I could see if the man would just stop and relax, he could float in the waves, but because he fought them he was sinking fast.

Sigh.

Tonight I decided to just go out and take a walk with the Lord. I've really been neglecting my time with Him, and I could practically feel Him tugging at my heart to just go for a stroll with Him in the quiet of the night after the kids went to bed. Quiet to listen is such a rare commodity in a house with any three kids, but with my three kids it's a miracle to find any quiet at all. (We are undoubtedly a LOUD family - we must get it from Neal ;).)

I started just walking, praying in the spirit, singing a little worship, telling the Lord I was there and I was listening. I walked a while, and then I asked Him what He wanted to say to me. And eventually, but very clearly I heard it, "Stop striving." Immediately I thought of the vision of the drowning man. "Stop striving, just float, ride the waves, it will be OK."

Today at church our pastor spoke on "The Secret of Joy and Contentment" from Philippians 4. It made me realize that was the word to describe how I have been feeling lately, highly discontent. Not in big things, I am very happily married, I adore my husband, I have three great kids, I am satisfied with our home (though I wish had more time to keep it clean.) But still, something in life has had me discontent.

The core of Pastor's message today was the 4 things we can/ should do to keep from becoming discontent.

#1 - Avoid comparisons.
#2 - Learn to adjust to change.
#3 - Learn to draw on Christ's power.
#4 - Learn to trust God to meet your needs.

#1 is definitely not my problem. Not only do I not try to "keep up" with the Joneses, but I'm not even all that aware of what they have. I've just never been a "stuff" person.

#4 isn't a huge stretch for me either. I have learned a lot in the last few years about trusting God to meet our needs. Emotionally and spiritually I think I have done so for a while, and in the last couple years it's grown into the realm of the physical and financial.

So there lies the key. #2 and #3 are where my struggles have come. Change. I HATE change. I mean I know nobody likes change, but for me, I can't stand it. I remember one time our pastor wanted to stretch us on this point and he made us get up and move to different seats in the sanctuary. I joked I was going to leave the church over it. It was the most miserable 45 minutes I've ever spent in the building! And our family has been going through so much change in so many ways this past year: new schools, not by my choice; Victoria's gym closing suddenly and unexpectedly; Jake's entrance into high school is a lot of change and adjustment; my hours at work; Neal's mom's passing; it's just a long list. And as for #3, well, I surely have not been relying on the Lord's strength to get me through.

"Stop striving." I had to look it up. To strive - to struggle in opposition. That's me, I've been opposing the change, all the circumstances that have caused it as well as those that have resulted from it. And yet to one end? It certainly has no power to change the circumstances, it only serves to wear me out and make me feel like I am that drowning man.

So I guess it's time to float. I'm going to try to choose to be content, even in unexpected or unpleasant change. I'm going to draw on the Lord's power, maybe take these quiet strolls more often, and I'm going to even try to work on #4 a little more and trust that God will take care of the waves, whether it be by calming the storm or leading me through it. I'm going to work on my float.

Labor

I think I've shared before how I have considered other names for this blog, like, "Naked Me," or "Muddling Through," because so often that's where I feel like I'm at. I know I probably expose more of myself than I should here sometimes (or according to one loved one, perhaps more of my family than I should) but it's my nature to be very transparent, very out there. I have had people applaud it in the past, but the truth is probably that it's more of a defense mechanism than an altruistic trait. It's like I shove it all out front, so if you are going to reject me, have all the facts and reject me now rather than get to know me slowly and decide to reject me later because you may not like what you discover about me when I'm already invested in you. And "muddling through" has seemed like a more apropos description because I often realize as I write it all out, this "walk of faith" is constantly a struggling one. But I digress, well sort of, because I think I'm about to expose myself and my latest muddling.

Lately life feels like a struggle, and the closest thing I can relate it to is a long birthing labor. It feels like I am riding the waves of pain to the point of feeling like some progress is going to be made, only to have it subside for a moment but only in to weariness. I remember when I was in labor with Jacob, I hurt for hours and then would be told I wasn't transitioning, there was no significant progress. I feel like I'm back in the very same place I was over 14 years ago. Except back then I was only trying to push forth a healthy infant, now I'm trying to bring forth a good man. The physical pain was more intense back then, but the emotional ride is far more difficult now.

I guess parenting is like that, it's in stages. There are times when you feel like you're pushing and pushing, but you can't always see the birth of the effort. When they are very little, it's a lot of constant labor, late nights, nursing, changing diapers, going through the same motions over and over again. It can be physically exhausting. When they are a little older it's more of a mental battle. You become the enforcer, all the rules laid out, repeated; laid out, repeated, it's all about follow-through, follow-through, follow-through, oh, and then follow-through. Please and thank you's, wash your hands, pick up your toys, play nice, share... the list is so long. Then you become the policeman, following after them, discovering their "crimes" and ticketing them with time outs for the little offenses, and for capital crimes really having to bring down the law. I guess that's where I'm at with my littler ones. It's repetitive and not always fun, but the process is still in the box, still with clear boundaries.

But this age and stage Jacob is at is so much scarier in so many ways. At his age we as parents are beginning to lose our domain. This is the time where you have to loosen the reins, in the act of discipline comes the offer of freedom. It's like a tug of war. You give them inches, hope they don't take miles. Sigh, and when they do, you have to pull them back in, begin the battle of release again, slowly letting out the ropes, hoping they don't get too tangled up in the process, and that if they fall they don't do any serious damage. I know Jacob is a pretty good kid, but this is the beginning of the season in his life where he has to begin to become a good man. There is a great burden in the sense of responsibility that carries.

There are a lot of days where it feels like nothing I've ever said has been heard. And then just as suddenly something will happen and my frustrations are completely overwhelmed by pride and joy. It's like a roller coaster. Did mention I only like roller coasters in amusement parks?

It would be one thing if this sense of labor was only happening in my parenting, but it's ongoing in my relationship with the Lord too. Tonight at church we had a different kind of worship service, they were baptizing people in the Holy Spirit and I was trying so hard to really dig in and focus on the Lord. But I am so distractable. I know I've shared that before.

In respect to my relationship with the Lord, it's not always weariness that the labor subsides into, often it's just life and its busyness. Tonight for example, I really wanted to meet the Lord there at service, have an encounter. My mind would wander, I would focus again, pray in the Spirit and reach with my heart. Towards the end of the night I felt like I was so close, almost there, and then it was time to go get the kids. I had to stop and be mom and go get the children because Neal couldn't, he was on stage playing worship, so I had to let go. It's so frustrating, disheartening even.

It's no one's fault, not even mine, it's just this season of struggle. I know the words, "Do not grow weary in doing good," and "Press on towards the prize," but sometimes the labor wears you out so badly you just feel like you can't go one more minute. I think the hardest thing is knowing what I need, to go to the Lord and sit in His presence, and yet, it feels like the one thing I can't seem to do. Tonight as I was reaching desperately I had this sense, almost a vision, like there was this cap holding back the fullness of the Lord. The problem is, I don't know what the cap is or how to get rid of it. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Tonight after church I had to bring the kids home and get everyone ready for bed because Neal was still at church playing worship. I had to postpone my run to the grocery store till after he got home. When I finally went to the store I took my MP3 player and played worship music. Just before I got back home an old hymn came on, the line that struck me was this,

"O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer."

I know the Lord spoke to me a few weeks ago that this is where I need to make change. But as they say, knowledge only becomes wisdom when we act upon it.

To Be Remembered and Applied

One friend sent this to me just as I was reading a note of encouragement from another.

I have been feeling extremely discouraged and highly ineffective, bordering on depressed lately. I feel like I can't accomplish anything and that nothing I have given myself to is working. This video reminds me that my victory is not in myself.

This is one of our family verses, it's where Victoria's name comes from.

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. 1 John 5:3-5

Value

I love this picture of Victoria. It's from her 6th birthday last winter. I keep it in my bible, not just because it's a great picture of my daughter, but more because of what the picture speaks to me.

Look at my daughter. She really thinks she's something special, you can see it in her eyes, and in her pose. She has her crown perched on her head and you can tell she believes she is a princess. I love that. I think we should all feel that way.

I don't mean I think we should walk around full of ourselves, but in humility, I do wish every one of us could walk around remembering we are loved by our Father the King. I wish we would never lose that sense of beauty and uniqueness we each have because we were carefully created by THE Creator of the universe, in love and tender care for a good plan and purpose.

Today I was surfin' the net and during a news quiz I take weekly I learned about a young woman named (pseudo-named) Natalie Dylan. Even the fact that she's using an assumed name speaks volumes about the truth of what she's doing.

She is a beautiful young woman who has made a decision to, via Howard Stern's radio show, auction off her virginity to the highest bidder. What in the world has this world come to? In the course of my perusing it was revealed that she hopes to raise a million dollars to pay for her post-graduate education in this way.

It makes me sad. It makes me sad that she thinks her purity is only worth a million dollars. I realize that may sound very strange, but the truth of the matter is she should see herself as priceless. I can't help but wonder if there wasn't a time in her life that she felt about herself the way it appears Victoria does in the picture above.

The truth of the matter is a lot of young women in the world today are "selling themselves short." They may not be offering their bodies for cash, but still they walk around like they have a price tag on, and often it says "bargain basement." Many of our young women today label themselves as "clearance" by the way they dress, or by the way they speak; they portray themselves in such a way that makes it so others don't value or respect them either.

One of my greatest hopes as a mom is to foster the perception of self-value my daughter displays in the picture above. I hope she always sees herself as so special that she would never devalue herself, or give up a part of herself by the way she acts, dresses or behaves. I hope she thinks so highly of her beauty that she dresses it in modesty, and values her purity so greatly that she guards her virginity till the day she's married and her sexual purity all her life. (Because even once we have lost our virginity our purity can and should stay intact in marriage.)

I pray that God would give me many opportunities to share this message to a lot of young women, to know their great value, their preciousness and about the God who determined it so. If only someone were there to share it with Natalie Dylan.

Proud Mama or Naked Me - Ah, Maybe Both

OK, so I have been battling. I know I'm the only mom out there who obsesses over her children, how they are doing, whether they are liked, if people are being nice to them... catch my breath... the list goes on and on. I know, it's just me, and not one of you can relate.

My latest obsession (possession?) has been over Ethan's new 2nd grade teacher. I came from a school where the teachers were my friends. And if they weren't my friends, they certainly faked it really well. (Kidding, I know we were friends.) It was a school where we could drop in anytime, the teachers were always super open, and ALWAYS encouraging. It was the paradise of school experiences. Law and order existed, but love abounded more.

Now I am in a new place, a different place, a bit more usual place, I suspect. And it's got love, the principal is wonderful, very loving, but somehow law and order seem to take precedent. I am certain the love is there, and I have even seen it a little, especially in Victoria's classroom, but compared to what I have known, there is great restraint. (And truthfully a few mean mommies on campus too!)

So I have been watching Ethan's teacher from what seems (seemed?) to me the designated distance. At the "Meet and Greet" when I asked about homework I was told I'd "get the info at Back to School Night" (which is still more than a week away, come on.) At the end of the first day when I asked how "our first day went" I was told, "it was definitely a first day, I'm sure things will get better." Ouch! I suddenly flashed back to early Sunday school days when I just quit asking how Ethan did because I was afraid of the answer. Back in those days it was because Ethan was all boy, challenged to be caged in small quarters for long services. But I can honestly say he has outgrown that, and he's a really good kid. His first grade and kindergarten teachers used words like, "loving, tender-hearted, kind and prayer warrior to describe him." And when we were driving to school this morning I asked (yes, I know, I have crossed so many lines...) "Ethan, does your teacher yell?" His reply, "Yeah." "What does she say when she yells?" "She yells, 'Stop it!'" "Has she ever yelled at you?" "No." (And I will admit, that made it better for me.)

So I have been watching. Ethan's assigned seat in morning assembly is right next to his teacher. Lots of mornings I wouldn't see her even really greet him. (Ok, day 5 of school just ended, so "lots" is a relative term.) She seemed to hug the girls more... was she one of those teachers who didn't like little boys? (They are out there, just so you know.) One day when I picked him up I saw him ask her if he could go to me (I was waiting outside) and she barked "No!" Gasp! (And yes, bark may be my interpretation...) My poor baby... (I'm nuts, aren't I?)

This morning he wanted to go greet his friend Cole who also came from Creekside (they got split up in 2 different classes.) There were 4 minutes till assembly started but she told him "no" when he asked. Sniff! Other kids were running all around, and he was going to be penalized for asking?? I was so distraught I went over and walked him to Cole myself. (bad mommy, bad, bad mommy!)

By the time I left the school this morning I was totally wound up. Neal suggested (because I called him as I left), "let's confront her Back to School Night." Oh right, like I need her to know how neurotic I am?? But by lunch time I could take it no more, so I sent her a little email. "Just checking in, not getting clear feedback from Ethan, we're still adjusting, please let me know if all is well..." I would call it a "friendly little email," but let's just be honest it was fraught with ulterior motivation.

So tonight after dinner, I went in and checked my email, and this was her reply...

Dear Mrs. DePriest,

Thanks for checking in with me regarding Ethan! How is the adjusting phase going for your family? Are there any questions I can help you with or someone I can direct you to that can help?

Ethan is doing well at school. He is completing his work in class. Yay! I have also noticed that he appears to be making friends quickly which I am excited to see. The only thing I have noted is that at times he can be a bit chatty when he should be on task but I was very impressed with him today. He requested that he be moved in line so that he wasn't tempted to stand next to a fellow student he knew he would talk to. He impressed me with his wise choice and the way he handled the situation when I talked with him.

I think just keep praising him for his wise choices and encourage him to stay on task when in school. I enjoy having him in my class and I'm glad he's at Vineyard this year! Always feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you have.

Have a nice evening!

Sweet, huh? OK, so I am just going to confess the part that got my attention the most was the "at times he can be a bit chatty..." What is my problem?

This poor teacher, she doesn't even know what she's been put through by this crazy, neurotic, messed up mother. Isn't it funny how when we don't take thoughts captive they can just completely take on their own destructive crazy life? How DOES God put up with me?

So, anyway, I'm really proud of my seven-year-old for making a wise choice and asking for help to skirt the problem before it escalated. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from him... One can only hope! (Note to Katherine: I know you are totally laughing right now, it's like 4th grade ALL OVER AGAIN! You just wait till you ride this experience from this side of the line!)

There, now my neuroses are fully exposed, hence the contemplation of changing the name of this blog from My Walk of Faith to simply, Naked Me! Love me or laugh at me, or even love to laugh at me, just don't point when you do it!