Submission, worship and prayer.
These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.
It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.
It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.
It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.
But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.
So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.
As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.
I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.
It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.
There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.
I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.
I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.
It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.
Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.
I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).
I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Lamentation
Tomorrow seems to loom and say,
"I have no intention of going your way."
"My purpose is not in what you plan,
You can't direct me, only a fool thinks she can."
My heart's discouraged because I cannot see,
What in the world is planned for me.
I seem to fail, no matter how I strive,
To keep my diligence and determination alive.
What must God think when He can see,
All the hurt and anger that reside in me?
Feelings are not friends, can't trust what they say,
For me I often find, they just get in the way.
I don't feel like praying, of calling out to God,
Today my faith feels like nothing more than a facade.
Questioning so many, who call themselves my "friends,"
Actions speak louder than what the word pretends.
Then I have to wonder, is that the voice of dark oppression?
I honestly cannot say, that is a true confession.
When the feelings come, I want not to lift my head,
I'd honestly rather wallow and be swallowed up instead.
This the walk of a Christian? Surely it ought not be.
But this is how it happens, when my focus is only me.
Lord, forgive me for this bent, that draws my eyes away.
How I long for a steadfast focus that would never remotely stray.
My heart is troubled, which You said not to let it be,
"Believe in God," You said, "Believe also in Me."
I believe, I believe, I believe the Truth and not the lie.
My faith must rise, and my heart and feelings it must defy.
I pray the prayer of the prophet, "Lord, help my unbelief,"
For when my eyes are fixed on You, then I'll find relief.
Thank You God that you remember, I am alone but dust;
But You, my faithful Father, are deserving of my trust.
Help me not to falter, but to find my strength in You.
Lifter of my head, lift my eyes toward what is true.
Forgiven, not forsaken, chosen and set apart,
Written on Your hand, kept lovingly in Your heart.
Thank you for Your patience, and a friendship that is real,
Not defined by my circumstance, or by what I feel.
I'm longing for the peace of Your presence, in it's where I want to be,
For there I can exchange this hurt for joy, and in You I'll be free.
By Diana DePriest
© December 7, 2011
"Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.
John 14:1-3
Sunday, November 6, 2011
100 Verse Challenge - Week 9
Super excited to still be here in week 9 learning the Word of God with those of you who are joining in with me. I look forward to Sunday each week finding out what the new verses of focus will be. I have a spiral notebook of index cards that I write my verses out in each week. I try to keep it with me regularly. When I'm driving it's in my center console so I can practice it with my kids. It's always part of our morning routine on the way to school. I also take it in and place it on my desk when I am work every day. It's an excellent way for me to practice the verses continually. This week as I was flipping through pages, it was exciting to realize that I've hidden these verses in my heart. I may not be able to memorize every single one verbatim, chapter and verse, but it's close. It was also fun when I was doing some reading along with my Bible reading that several verses in the commentary were familiar to me because of this Challenge. I hope everyone else participating is enjoying the experience as much as I am. 
This week in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart we are going to be memorizing and meditating on the last 2 verses in the section titled "Listening: The Word of God and Prayer." As has been the case on occasion in previous weeks, this week's two verses are consecutive, and so they will be written out as a single passage. If it's easier for you, feel free to break them up as the two individual verses, but be aware that they do go hand in hand. So here's our passage (2 verses) for this week: whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
And if we know that He hears whatever we ask,
we know that we have what we have asked Him for.
1 John 5:14-15
I think it's important to point out a particular phrase in this week's passage, ...according to His will. So often these days I hear a preaching of what has been come to known as the "Prosperity Gospel;" it is the name it and claim mentality of a lot of Christians. "Speak it as it is so," which I personally find to be a set up for disappointment in believers and a stumbling block for blaming God when people don't get the answers they to their prayers that they hope for. But it's clear from this passage that a huge prerequisite to God hearing and answering our prayers is that they are lined up with God's will.
Robert J. Morgan talks in the 100 Verses book about the importance of realizing that every prayer should in addendum speak a silent "if it be Your will." It is good to understand that our own perspective is limited, and therefore we should be willing and active in our efforts to defer to the leadership of the Father who knows exactly what the right answer is for our prayers, as Morgan puts it because "His perfect,providential oversight makes no mistakes and always results in the best for His children." Isn't that an exciting revelation??
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Freedom That's Mine
Chains unbroken remain in my life.
Always they're leading to sorrow and strife.
I have the liberty You gave when You died,
But still daily freedom, I'm seemingly denied.
Your resurrection power residing in me,
Yet still I don't walk as someone who's free.
Teach me walk in the freedom that's mine,
Leaving these chains, broken behind.
Oh that I'd know the fullness thereof,
A liberty poured out so freely from above.
Instead I stand as a beggar at Your feasting table,
Denying the power of Your grace that is able.
A grace in my life that's redeemed and restored,
A grace that's proclaimed my Jesus as Lord.
You opened the locks when You came with the key,
Yet still I remain with these chains cloaking me.
Like an eagle caged, weighted down to the floor,
I've neglected the wings You gave me to soar.
Oh to feast at the table You've set,
But continually my invitation, I seem to forget.
Open my eyes, that I may clearly see,
The freedom You died for was given to me!
Break through the bondage of fear and deceit,
Give me a heart that will not retreat,
The heart of lion that will not be restrained,
Until all that You have for me is fully obtained.
Teach me, O Lord, to walk in what's mine,
A life of liberty, wholly divine.
Not a beggar at all, but a child of Your choice,
Make my ears sensitive to the sound of Your voice.
Gently I'll walk toward Your voice as You call,
The closer I get, the more the chains fall.
As I walk towards You, the chains fall behind,
And I remember not only freedom, but Jesus is mine.
And in Your embrace, no chain can stand,
For each one will be broken by Your mighty hand.
Teach me to walk in the freedom that's mine,
To live out the liberty, wholly divine.
- Diana DePriest
© October 17, 2010
And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah.
And when He had opened the book,
He found the place where it was written:
“ The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.”
Then He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”
Luke 4:17-21
Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Powerful and Effective
My husband and I took our kids on a camping trip almost a week ago. We left the comforts of home and packed up in our cars and headed out of town. We spent 4 days and 3 nights at Paradise Cove in Lake Isabella. We left almost all the comforts of home including wifi and computer access to just get away from it all.
Things have been really stressful around here. Our work situation is tense, the business we work for, like many these days, is suffering greatly under the pressures of our economy. Although we got good news about our refi working out before we left, we're still in limbo waiting for when it will actually finalize. Relationships have been strained (not in the nucleus of our little family, but beyond it.) There have been health issues and concerns, bills due, expenses like the upcoming school year looming ahead, our plates are very full, heavy full.
So our few days of "roughing it" were actually incredibly precious to us when we realized we were able to not only leave behind the comforts of home, but the crises of it too. It was nice to actually not even think about the "stuff." going on. Nothing about home weighed on my shoulders the whole time we were away. I slept well at night (and actually have not been struggling with sleeping even at home, believing that is the grace of God); I would wake up in the mornings so relaxed. Although we dealt with little camping issues that would arise, they'd rise and fall quickly, and they would dissipate. None of the cumbersome constant stress was looming about like it has been here at home for weeks, months even perhaps. It was a really nice respite.
Even when we got home Sunday evening, as we unpacked everything and began the hassle of regrouping and settling back in, there was a pervading peacefulness. It felt really good. I actually kind of forgot about the stress... for a little while.
But Monday morning was sure to come, and it did. Although I had a good night's sleep, as I started to rouse a few minutes before the alarm clock went off demanding I get up. As I became aware of the room around me, I also felt the familiar presence of the anxiety that has greeted me every morning for weeks. It varies in degree, but for weeks it has been there, often faint, and nagging, but at times, even overwhelming and suffocating. As I woke up this Monday morning, it wasn't faint. I wasn't drowning in it, but it was strong, the sick heavy lump of it right in my breast.
It made me sad. It made me long to hop back in the truck and head back to Isabella. I don't know why it suddenly reappeared. More accurately I guess I am not sure why it ever disappeared, but I know after having a few days of freedom from it, I didn't want to have to bear it anymore.
The rest of the day was really rough, miserable at times, and I could not shake the sense of my morning's greeting. Anxiety is not our friend.
Not knowing what else to do, I sent a prayer request out to a few of my friends. I asked them to please pray for me. I asked for prayers for the complications of my day, but even more I asked for prayer for freedom from the constant anxieties that have been greeting me day after day.
Then Tuesday came. I woke up again just before the alarm yesterday, and suddenly I was aware of something different. I laid in bed, waiting. It wasn't there. The daily heaviness in my chest just simply wasn't there. My shock pushed me to look for it, which almost led me to create it, but I stopped myself. I had asked my friends to pray, and I know I was feeling the result. God was answering their prayers and mine.
This morning I awoke again very aware of the absence of the pit in my chest. It was a blessed feeling. I immediately begin to speak words of praise and thanks to God. I pray it continues. As I sit here and type about the anxiety, I can feel it laboring to rise in my chest, but awake I can fight it, I can take authority over it with the word of God. But awaking to it, that has been a battle I have not been able to win on my own. It has greeted me before I have been ever aware enough or my surroundings to stand, much less stand on the word of God.
So today I find myself thankful for my friends and their prayers. It has made an incredible difference in my life these last two mornings, and I am grateful for them, and for a God who hears and responds.
And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. James 5:15-16
Things have been really stressful around here. Our work situation is tense, the business we work for, like many these days, is suffering greatly under the pressures of our economy. Although we got good news about our refi working out before we left, we're still in limbo waiting for when it will actually finalize. Relationships have been strained (not in the nucleus of our little family, but beyond it.) There have been health issues and concerns, bills due, expenses like the upcoming school year looming ahead, our plates are very full, heavy full.
So our few days of "roughing it" were actually incredibly precious to us when we realized we were able to not only leave behind the comforts of home, but the crises of it too. It was nice to actually not even think about the "stuff." going on. Nothing about home weighed on my shoulders the whole time we were away. I slept well at night (and actually have not been struggling with sleeping even at home, believing that is the grace of God); I would wake up in the mornings so relaxed. Although we dealt with little camping issues that would arise, they'd rise and fall quickly, and they would dissipate. None of the cumbersome constant stress was looming about like it has been here at home for weeks, months even perhaps. It was a really nice respite.
Even when we got home Sunday evening, as we unpacked everything and began the hassle of regrouping and settling back in, there was a pervading peacefulness. It felt really good. I actually kind of forgot about the stress... for a little while.
But Monday morning was sure to come, and it did. Although I had a good night's sleep, as I started to rouse a few minutes before the alarm clock went off demanding I get up. As I became aware of the room around me, I also felt the familiar presence of the anxiety that has greeted me every morning for weeks. It varies in degree, but for weeks it has been there, often faint, and nagging, but at times, even overwhelming and suffocating. As I woke up this Monday morning, it wasn't faint. I wasn't drowning in it, but it was strong, the sick heavy lump of it right in my breast.
It made me sad. It made me long to hop back in the truck and head back to Isabella. I don't know why it suddenly reappeared. More accurately I guess I am not sure why it ever disappeared, but I know after having a few days of freedom from it, I didn't want to have to bear it anymore.
The rest of the day was really rough, miserable at times, and I could not shake the sense of my morning's greeting. Anxiety is not our friend.
Not knowing what else to do, I sent a prayer request out to a few of my friends. I asked them to please pray for me. I asked for prayers for the complications of my day, but even more I asked for prayer for freedom from the constant anxieties that have been greeting me day after day.
Then Tuesday came. I woke up again just before the alarm yesterday, and suddenly I was aware of something different. I laid in bed, waiting. It wasn't there. The daily heaviness in my chest just simply wasn't there. My shock pushed me to look for it, which almost led me to create it, but I stopped myself. I had asked my friends to pray, and I know I was feeling the result. God was answering their prayers and mine.
This morning I awoke again very aware of the absence of the pit in my chest. It was a blessed feeling. I immediately begin to speak words of praise and thanks to God. I pray it continues. As I sit here and type about the anxiety, I can feel it laboring to rise in my chest, but awake I can fight it, I can take authority over it with the word of God. But awaking to it, that has been a battle I have not been able to win on my own. It has greeted me before I have been ever aware enough or my surroundings to stand, much less stand on the word of God.
So today I find myself thankful for my friends and their prayers. It has made an incredible difference in my life these last two mornings, and I am grateful for them, and for a God who hears and responds.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Truth with a Capital "T"
I expressed in my last post my struggles to find the way to keep my time in the Word fresh and relational rather than routine, all the while longing for consistency. My prayer life also always seems to fall short of my aspirations. As much as I know I can always do better, I also know that despite my many shortcomings, the Lord is always in the forefront of my mind and every area of my life is filtered through my relationship with Him. He is my center and my source of strength.
I struggle sometimes because I do not consider myself an intercessor despite the fact that I get labeled that often. I struggle to remember all the prayer requests, I try my best to pray when I am asked and immediately if it comes to my memory, but I am not the "prayer warrior" who finds herself alone in her prayer closet interceding on behalf of others the way others I know are. I want to be, but I'm not. On the other hand, I do find myself in constant conversation with God. When I wake up I talk to Him, lately it's been asking Him to give me strength to face the day. Yesterday I didn't even want to get out of bed, I really just His hand to help me rise and face what waited.
When I am frightened, or frustrated I almost always begin to pray, most often in the Spirit because I don't know exactly what is needed or even how to pray. If I am overwhelmed with anxiety or a physical response to the stress I just pray quietly under my breath. The Bible describes it as the Spirit making utterances on our behalf.. I fall back on the often. Sometimes when I hit a proverbial "speed bump" in the road I will cry out loud, "Lord, PLEASE!" and even though it's all I can muster, I know He hears me and is listening. He is patient with my frustrations built out of my own weaknesses.
Reading the word too has been a challenge, not knowing where to begin, what or how to study, I have taken to just asking, "where today Lord?" and listening quietly for the still small voice. Yesterday in the shower he gave me two different passages, an old testament and a new, as I read them they went perfectly together, both speaking the same truth, "Act righteously." So I receive the word, and do my best to follow it. Last night I got out the Bible to read with Neal and the kids so we could have family prayer time. It used to be a regular habit, it's been a seasonal habit off and on for as long as I can recall. When life is hectic we settle for me praying with Victoria as I tuck her in, Neal with Ethan as he does the same, and Jake (the teenager) being left to himself. In good times it's easy to slip on the priorities. But as I am feeling the desperation for the Lord myself, I want to feed my family too, so last night we prayed, me exhorting them not to run through the routine prayer, but each of us choosing someone outside the family to pray for too, and beforehand we opened the word. It was August 5, 8/5, so I opened Psalm 85 (it's how my mind works) we chewed on the Word together, and it was a good thing. The Lord speaks to His people.
Despite all that, I woke up with anxiety again this morning. More thoughts tried to be heavy upon me. As I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth (maybe I should write a book titled Things God Said in the Bathroom) I was declaring Truth, speaking words of life, and the Lord brought to my remembrance Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Plans to "prosper... That is Truth - don't miss the capital "T."
When I asked the Lord what to read this morning, I heard Psalm 73. I read it in the Bible in the bedroom and it touched me, but I was still unsure. When I went and looked it up in the translation I am most familiar with, it boosted my heart... verses 23-27...
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
This is a special passage of scripture to me. There is a song that is very similar that during one of the darkest and most difficult times for our family was a lifeline to sustain us. The song sings,
I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Words of truth to sustain us. By the time I got to work, conversations and circumstances were enough to bring the anxiety on again. When Neal came upstairs on his break I shared everything with him, and again my faith began to rise...
My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...
It's not glib, it isn't tripe, it is Truth, with a capital "T"!
My God is near, my God is here, my God can be trusted.
One of "my things" with the Lord (we all have them) is to hit the shuffle on my MP3 player and ask God to speak to me through one of the 924 Christian/ worship songs I have there. With 924 songs, obviously there are many I don't know well, but today the one that began to play was one I have no memory of ever having heard before. I prayed it, "Lord, speak to me... This is the song that came up, and ministered such hope and peace to my soul, so I wanted to share it with you as well...
Truth, with a capital "T"
I struggle sometimes because I do not consider myself an intercessor despite the fact that I get labeled that often. I struggle to remember all the prayer requests, I try my best to pray when I am asked and immediately if it comes to my memory, but I am not the "prayer warrior" who finds herself alone in her prayer closet interceding on behalf of others the way others I know are. I want to be, but I'm not. On the other hand, I do find myself in constant conversation with God. When I wake up I talk to Him, lately it's been asking Him to give me strength to face the day. Yesterday I didn't even want to get out of bed, I really just His hand to help me rise and face what waited.
When I am frightened, or frustrated I almost always begin to pray, most often in the Spirit because I don't know exactly what is needed or even how to pray. If I am overwhelmed with anxiety or a physical response to the stress I just pray quietly under my breath. The Bible describes it as the Spirit making utterances on our behalf.. I fall back on the often. Sometimes when I hit a proverbial "speed bump" in the road I will cry out loud, "Lord, PLEASE!" and even though it's all I can muster, I know He hears me and is listening. He is patient with my frustrations built out of my own weaknesses.
Reading the word too has been a challenge, not knowing where to begin, what or how to study, I have taken to just asking, "where today Lord?" and listening quietly for the still small voice. Yesterday in the shower he gave me two different passages, an old testament and a new, as I read them they went perfectly together, both speaking the same truth, "Act righteously." So I receive the word, and do my best to follow it. Last night I got out the Bible to read with Neal and the kids so we could have family prayer time. It used to be a regular habit, it's been a seasonal habit off and on for as long as I can recall. When life is hectic we settle for me praying with Victoria as I tuck her in, Neal with Ethan as he does the same, and Jake (the teenager) being left to himself. In good times it's easy to slip on the priorities. But as I am feeling the desperation for the Lord myself, I want to feed my family too, so last night we prayed, me exhorting them not to run through the routine prayer, but each of us choosing someone outside the family to pray for too, and beforehand we opened the word. It was August 5, 8/5, so I opened Psalm 85 (it's how my mind works) we chewed on the Word together, and it was a good thing. The Lord speaks to His people.
Despite all that, I woke up with anxiety again this morning. More thoughts tried to be heavy upon me. As I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth (maybe I should write a book titled Things God Said in the Bathroom) I was declaring Truth, speaking words of life, and the Lord brought to my remembrance Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Plans to "prosper... That is Truth - don't miss the capital "T."
When I asked the Lord what to read this morning, I heard Psalm 73. I read it in the Bible in the bedroom and it touched me, but I was still unsure. When I went and looked it up in the translation I am most familiar with, it boosted my heart... verses 23-27...
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
This is a special passage of scripture to me. There is a song that is very similar that during one of the darkest and most difficult times for our family was a lifeline to sustain us. The song sings,
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Words of truth to sustain us. By the time I got to work, conversations and circumstances were enough to bring the anxiety on again. When Neal came upstairs on his break I shared everything with him, and again my faith began to rise...
My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...
It's not glib, it isn't tripe, it is Truth, with a capital "T"!
My God is near, my God is here, my God can be trusted.
One of "my things" with the Lord (we all have them) is to hit the shuffle on my MP3 player and ask God to speak to me through one of the 924 Christian/ worship songs I have there. With 924 songs, obviously there are many I don't know well, but today the one that began to play was one I have no memory of ever having heard before. I prayed it, "Lord, speak to me... This is the song that came up, and ministered such hope and peace to my soul, so I wanted to share it with you as well...
Friday, June 19, 2009
I Want to See
We had a wonderful time of worship at church on Wednesday night. It was an extended time of worship because we found ourselves "in between" our growth group series that is just ending and the "Truth Project" series that doesn't start till next week.
I love worship time, it's a time to completely focus on the Lord, but sometimes I struggle with it. I find myself envying many of those around me who seem to get so lost in worship. I have a good friend who is like that, she "boldly enters the throne room" in worship and you can see she has entered into the Lord's presence completely. I think Neal is like that too. Perhaps it's a gifting the Lord provides to those who participate in the leading of worship, but sometimes I will look at him up on the stage, behind his drums and can see he really isn't there, he's entered into another place, the Holy of Holies.
Can you see my problem already? I'm way too aware of what's going on around me, instead of losing myself in worship as well I find myself so severely distractable. It can be very frustrating.
Perhaps it is a gift? Or maybe a mark of maturity? I honestly don't know. I know I have been there, but I seem unable to enter in as often as I'd like to (which would be every time.) I often find myself on a Sunday morning during worship time singing the songs, but my mind is racing off to other places, everywhere from wondering if a particular person has made it to church that day, to contemplating lunch, to making the grocery list in my head for the following week. Thoroughly and utterly distractable!
This past Wednesday my distraction was my distractability... I was so very aware of how much I seemed unable to focus on Him in worship. I willed myself to do it, I sang, I raised my hands, I turned my eyes toward the heavens, but still my mind wandered. Finally I sat down and focused , covering my face, trying to remove any other input than the words of the song, willing myself to enter the presence of the Lord.
I thought to myself about how many things there are that consume our attention, like passing a car accident, you cannot help but look. A flaw in my own appearance, I cannot get my focus off of it; a worry or concern, will fill my mind, wake me in the night from sleep even, but the Lord, for some reason, I struggle to give Him my full attention.
The examples above are all such negative things too. I think to myself about how the all-consuming worry is the antithesis of worship, because when it consumes my mind, I'm really not focusing on my God at all, or even giving Him any consideration. I know because if I was looking at my God, my worry would seem so big or threatening at all... but I have traveled off on a rabbit trail here, because that wasn't even the case on Wednesday.
So as I sat there determined to truly worship on Wednesday night, my prayer was for me to see my God as He truly is, so BIG I cannot take my eyes off of Him...
When I worship, I want to see the reality....
I want to see the God who took this broken vessel, wounded and destroyed by my sin and turned her into a woman with hope and redemption...
I want to see the God Who took this barren body, and gave me the ability to have children...
I want to see the God Who took my barren soul, devoid of anything good and gave me an understanding of truth and the desire and power to share it...
I want to see the God Who took broken, hopeless pathways and opened them up and turned them into the path to dreams come true....
I want to see the God Who holds my family in His right hand and covers it with His left...
I want to see the God Who loves me and forgives me still in the midst of my failure, sin and struggles...
I want to see the Father Who gave up His Son so I could be forgiven and adopted into His family...
I want to see the Savior Who gave up His very life on the cross because He loved me enough to suffer for me...
I want to see the the God Who has redeemed my past, walks with me in the present and holds my future securely in His hands....
For when I look upon this God, I cannot take my eyes off of Him, for He is bigger than life, all-consuming and not only holds my gaze, but He holds my heart.
This is the God I am called to worship, this is the God that will overcome every distraction. I am in love eternal with this God, my God.
My God. Lord, help me not lose sight of who You are. MY GOD.
I will worship this God, my God.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised...
Psalm 18:2-3
I love worship time, it's a time to completely focus on the Lord, but sometimes I struggle with it. I find myself envying many of those around me who seem to get so lost in worship. I have a good friend who is like that, she "boldly enters the throne room" in worship and you can see she has entered into the Lord's presence completely. I think Neal is like that too. Perhaps it's a gifting the Lord provides to those who participate in the leading of worship, but sometimes I will look at him up on the stage, behind his drums and can see he really isn't there, he's entered into another place, the Holy of Holies.
Can you see my problem already? I'm way too aware of what's going on around me, instead of losing myself in worship as well I find myself so severely distractable. It can be very frustrating.
Perhaps it is a gift? Or maybe a mark of maturity? I honestly don't know. I know I have been there, but I seem unable to enter in as often as I'd like to (which would be every time.) I often find myself on a Sunday morning during worship time singing the songs, but my mind is racing off to other places, everywhere from wondering if a particular person has made it to church that day, to contemplating lunch, to making the grocery list in my head for the following week. Thoroughly and utterly distractable!
This past Wednesday my distraction was my distractability... I was so very aware of how much I seemed unable to focus on Him in worship. I willed myself to do it, I sang, I raised my hands, I turned my eyes toward the heavens, but still my mind wandered. Finally I sat down and focused , covering my face, trying to remove any other input than the words of the song, willing myself to enter the presence of the Lord.
I thought to myself about how many things there are that consume our attention, like passing a car accident, you cannot help but look. A flaw in my own appearance, I cannot get my focus off of it; a worry or concern, will fill my mind, wake me in the night from sleep even, but the Lord, for some reason, I struggle to give Him my full attention.
The examples above are all such negative things too. I think to myself about how the all-consuming worry is the antithesis of worship, because when it consumes my mind, I'm really not focusing on my God at all, or even giving Him any consideration. I know because if I was looking at my God, my worry would seem so big or threatening at all... but I have traveled off on a rabbit trail here, because that wasn't even the case on Wednesday.
So as I sat there determined to truly worship on Wednesday night, my prayer was for me to see my God as He truly is, so BIG I cannot take my eyes off of Him...
When I worship, I want to see the reality....
I want to see the God who took this broken vessel, wounded and destroyed by my sin and turned her into a woman with hope and redemption...
I want to see the God Who took this barren body, and gave me the ability to have children...
I want to see the God Who took my barren soul, devoid of anything good and gave me an understanding of truth and the desire and power to share it...
I want to see the God Who took broken, hopeless pathways and opened them up and turned them into the path to dreams come true....
I want to see the God Who holds my family in His right hand and covers it with His left...
I want to see the God Who loves me and forgives me still in the midst of my failure, sin and struggles...
I want to see the Father Who gave up His Son so I could be forgiven and adopted into His family...
I want to see the Savior Who gave up His very life on the cross because He loved me enough to suffer for me...
I want to see the the God Who has redeemed my past, walks with me in the present and holds my future securely in His hands....
For when I look upon this God, I cannot take my eyes off of Him, for He is bigger than life, all-consuming and not only holds my gaze, but He holds my heart.
This is the God I am called to worship, this is the God that will overcome every distraction. I am in love eternal with this God, my God.
My God. Lord, help me not lose sight of who You are. MY GOD.
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised...
Psalm 18:2-3
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
A Flow of Prayer
I am consumed with what I see,
And much of what has yet to be.
Today my heart is anxious, Lord,
I’m struggling with what to do,
And uncertainty about hearing You.
Today my heart is anxious, Lord,
My fears overwhelm my mind,
And my faith seems hard to find.
Today my heart is anxious, Lord,
I’m not looking where I should,
And so my anxiety is understood.
I’ll turn my eyes toward You, Lord,
Choose to trust You and obey,
And remember You can always make a way.
I’ll turn my eyes toward You, Lord,
For now quietly I’ll wait,
And remember Your love is great.
I’ll turn my eyes toward You, Lord,
Recall Your goodness toward me is sure,
And in You I know my life’s secure.
I’ll turn my eyes toward You, Lord,
And give you my anxious heart,
Which is what I should have done to start.
From You comes hope for life to live.
Not just exist and muddle through,
But abundant life to live in You.
I look forward to the time and day,
When all my fears are gone to stay.
When in Your love I’m truly free,
Never forgetting You care for me.
So I lay it all at the altar again,
Thankful I can call You friend.
That's why by this world I am not bound,
And at Your feet my peace is found.
By Diana DePriest
© May 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Post-Holiday Post
Couldn't really come up with a better title, and it actually took several moments to come up with the second "post." Sort of indicative of where my brain is at.
CHRISTmas was really nice this year, very possibly the nicest I can recall in my entire adult life. We had a nice morning over at my parents' house (after we opened all our gifts at home) but in lieu of participating in the annual family drama with my more extended family we came back home where I cooked my first CHRISTmas dinner myself and let the kids play with their new toys and just hang out. So amidst the chopping, prepping and cooking I got to sing a little High School Musical Karaoke and dance around with my daughter. I got to help my oldest son learn the ins and outs of music transfer through Napster and got to watch my younger son joyfully play the new games on the new PS2 Santa brought to replace the one that the family had quite simply worn out. It was a nice change to the annual tradition of me walking on egg shells and spending much of the day barking at my children not to act like... well, children.
Dinner turned out really god, but I'm not sure if it wasn't just because there were no ridges in my tongue from biting it all day long. I cooked things I'd never cooked before, but it still turned out like a festive holiday meal. Granted, it was ready later than I originally planned, but it wasn't like one of those infamous midnight meals I've heard about or anything. We ate at dinner time, the five of us all together in our own kitchen. I still had to make a few threats to get the asparagus eaten by Ethan... the prime rib and potatoes too for that matter, but it was still so much less uncomfortable and chaotic than any other meal in the past. It was a merry CHRISTmas.
But alas, the holidays have passed. The house is still a bit of a mess, and we have company coming for New Year's Eve. I really need to get it in order but just don't have the drive to do it. I'm so not a housekeeper, and having everyone here 24/7 doesn't help my inspiration. Neal being on bed rest isn't a lot of help either. It also doesn't help that I think the mess is really getting to him, but he is restricted from doing anything about it.
I'm starting to wonder if there are deeper issues at the core of the messes, and lack of drive to fix them in my life. My house is a mess, my weight is a mess, our finances are a bit of a mess. It makes me think how grateful I am for a Savior who loved and accepted me as such, a mess. Sunday as the associate pastor spoke he said something I clung to. God fixes our messes, even the ones we make ourselves. Which of course, to at least some degree is all of them. I'm glad God loves me even when I am a mess, and my house is a mess, and life is a mess.
I know I'll be making lots of resolutions about the messes in my life, losing weight, getting the house in order, getting our debts paid off, but I also know I really don't have any ability on my own to fix or clean up anything. So I suppose my biggest resolution in the coming year will to be better at yielding, to the Savior, to His will and to His power in my life. Father help me to, yet again, learn to surrender and abide.
Of course, I do have 11 people coming over tomorrow night who would probably appreciate a clean bathroom, so perhaps I should put my feet to my faith as well.
CHRISTmas was really nice this year, very possibly the nicest I can recall in my entire adult life. We had a nice morning over at my parents' house (after we opened all our gifts at home) but in lieu of participating in the annual family drama with my more extended family we came back home where I cooked my first CHRISTmas dinner myself and let the kids play with their new toys and just hang out. So amidst the chopping, prepping and cooking I got to sing a little High School Musical Karaoke and dance around with my daughter. I got to help my oldest son learn the ins and outs of music transfer through Napster and got to watch my younger son joyfully play the new games on the new PS2 Santa brought to replace the one that the family had quite simply worn out. It was a nice change to the annual tradition of me walking on egg shells and spending much of the day barking at my children not to act like... well, children.
Dinner turned out really god, but I'm not sure if it wasn't just because there were no ridges in my tongue from biting it all day long. I cooked things I'd never cooked before, but it still turned out like a festive holiday meal. Granted, it was ready later than I originally planned, but it wasn't like one of those infamous midnight meals I've heard about or anything. We ate at dinner time, the five of us all together in our own kitchen. I still had to make a few threats to get the asparagus eaten by Ethan... the prime rib and potatoes too for that matter, but it was still so much less uncomfortable and chaotic than any other meal in the past. It was a merry CHRISTmas.
But alas, the holidays have passed. The house is still a bit of a mess, and we have company coming for New Year's Eve. I really need to get it in order but just don't have the drive to do it. I'm so not a housekeeper, and having everyone here 24/7 doesn't help my inspiration. Neal being on bed rest isn't a lot of help either. It also doesn't help that I think the mess is really getting to him, but he is restricted from doing anything about it.
I'm starting to wonder if there are deeper issues at the core of the messes, and lack of drive to fix them in my life. My house is a mess, my weight is a mess, our finances are a bit of a mess. It makes me think how grateful I am for a Savior who loved and accepted me as such, a mess. Sunday as the associate pastor spoke he said something I clung to. God fixes our messes, even the ones we make ourselves. Which of course, to at least some degree is all of them. I'm glad God loves me even when I am a mess, and my house is a mess, and life is a mess.
I know I'll be making lots of resolutions about the messes in my life, losing weight, getting the house in order, getting our debts paid off, but I also know I really don't have any ability on my own to fix or clean up anything. So I suppose my biggest resolution in the coming year will to be better at yielding, to the Savior, to His will and to His power in my life. Father help me to, yet again, learn to surrender and abide.
Of course, I do have 11 people coming over tomorrow night who would probably appreciate a clean bathroom, so perhaps I should put my feet to my faith as well.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Jason
This is my friend Jason. He is a soldier, currently serving our great country in Iraq; he's a specialist, fighting on the front lines.
To my knowledge, Jason isn't a believer in Jesus Christ. But he's there fighting in this war because of the things he does believe in, he reinlisted for the sole purpose of going to help in this war. He has given me permission to pray for him, and to ask you to pray for him too, and his buddies. I've known Jason since I was just 14 years old, even dated him for a very short time way back in the 80's. He's been my and Neal's friend for a long time.
Please pray for him, and his fellow soldiers in the 185th. Pray for his protection, pray for his safety and his salvation. When I asked him if I could pray, and ask you all to pray too, here is a little of what he had to say...
"YESSSS! that would be great and thank you for the prayer. Not to sound greedy and I'm sure the guys would agree. We would take all the Prayers we can get. Invincible, NO WAY! But we do try to stay focused and alert and have confidence in each others abilities. reality is a big punch in the face here. Its not training any more. This is the real deal.... It's nice to know that when I climb into the turret and load my weapons. That I have Angels looking over me. This is a crazy job but somebody has to do it."
If you want to commit to keeping Jason in prayer, leave me a comment to do so, if you can't make the commitment then just stop right now as you read this and pray for him and his fellow soldiers. You can also send notes or letters to me at GodKptHisPromise@aol.com, and I will gladly forward them on.
To my knowledge, Jason isn't a believer in Jesus Christ. But he's there fighting in this war because of the things he does believe in, he reinlisted for the sole purpose of going to help in this war. He has given me permission to pray for him, and to ask you to pray for him too, and his buddies. I've known Jason since I was just 14 years old, even dated him for a very short time way back in the 80's. He's been my and Neal's friend for a long time.
Please pray for him, and his fellow soldiers in the 185th. Pray for his protection, pray for his safety and his salvation. When I asked him if I could pray, and ask you all to pray too, here is a little of what he had to say...
"YESSSS! that would be great and thank you for the prayer. Not to sound greedy and I'm sure the guys would agree. We would take all the Prayers we can get. Invincible, NO WAY! But we do try to stay focused and alert and have confidence in each others abilities. reality is a big punch in the face here. Its not training any more. This is the real deal.... It's nice to know that when I climb into the turret and load my weapons. That I have Angels looking over me. This is a crazy job but somebody has to do it."
If you want to commit to keeping Jason in prayer, leave me a comment to do so, if you can't make the commitment then just stop right now as you read this and pray for him and his fellow soldiers. You can also send notes or letters to me at GodKptHisPromise@aol.com, and I will gladly forward them on.
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