Do it anyway?

Following is hard. Signing on to be the follower might even be considered a little nuts. That's what I think sometimes when I look at the military. I'm so glad for the people who sign up, but I think to myself, "I could never do that." The blind obedience that is required-- you pretty much give up all your rights. Where you go, what you do, even what you eat, all those things are decided for you. It's little like going to prison, though honorable, and the uniforms are definitely cooler. But you cannot discount the similarities and I have thought more than once, "I could never do it."

And then I think, is following Christ so very different? Because it shouldn't be. Much like those who enlist in the military who make a pledge to follow and agree to unconditional obedience, that's what following Jesus ought to resemble.

The bible says it like this, "bought at a price." When we say "yes" to Jesus we pretty much sign over the rights to our lives to Him. There's a popular Christian song right now that says something to the effect of "Where You go, I'll go; where You stay, I'll stay; when You move, I'll move, I will follow You." That's what saying "yes" to Jesus is supposed to be like.

And when I think about that, I think to myself, the military might be easier. Because in the military if you fail to "follow" the consequence is swift. You'll know it quickly, and you'll suffer accordingly. Getting back on track is something I'd be swiftly convinced to agree to. Not following would bring greater suffering than following, and I would acquiesce.

And in the military, I suspect the objective is clearer. Goals are defined, the desired result is more clear. I cannot always say the same when following Jesus, at least not in the way I would like to have goals, results and objectives clearly defined. In the military the picture is narrow, in Christ,the vision is broad, more broad than I can even comprehend.

Sometimes God asks us me to do things, and I don't understand. I look and I don't see the results I think I should, and I wonder why I'm doing them.

When you don't see an impact, do you do it anyway?
When you don't see a benefit, do you do it anyway?
When you can't grasp the purpose, do you do it anyway?

These are the questions I find myself struggling with.

I wrote a book. It's a good book, a story that I know has purpose and needs to be told. But I sell a couple dozen and then it seems like nothing else comes of it. And I wonder, what I felt while I was writing, the leading, the directing, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was it Him? Or was it just me?

Passion, purpose, talents and gifts-- all coming together, is it God's hand? His plan? Where are the results?
Are lives being touched?
Is it providing for my family?
Is it making an impact?

If I don't have the answers, or if the answer seems to be "no," do I do it anyway?

If it magnifies what seems NOT be happening and NOT going right in my life, but He still seems to be leading, directing, inspiring-- do I do it anyway?

I'm writing my second book-- more to the story of the first book that's "out there,"-- maybe or maybe not making a difference. It has social value, and the potential to touch a life, but I may never see it. So do I do it anyway?

The real question is, "how do I not?"

God leads, I have to follow, even if I don't understand. He never promised that I would. Even if I don't benefit, because it's not really about me. Because it might minister-- even to just one, and that is by definition what ministry is, at least the way Jesus did it.

So do I do it anyway? Yes, I must. Because it's all about Him. And if it brings Him any glory, then it was worth it.

And when I'm wondering why I'm doing it, that's what I need to remember, because following in obedience-- that honors Him.

100 Verses - Week 25

Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, you cannot win. You try to make righteous choices, you try to honor God, and you try to live your life in a way that reflects His goodness and His grace, and sometimes it just seems like you can't do enough. Too much, too many are working against you- sometimes you even end up working against yourself. It's a lousy place to be, but sometimes it's just where you are.

I've come to the realization, that it just doesn't matter what other people say about you. I am not defined by the words of others, and no matter how loudly they might ring in my ears, it doesn't make them true. There is a freedom that comes in realizing that I am helpless to change the actions, words and attitudes of others. So I'm just not going to let myself be consumed with what I cannot control. It only wears me out, and at the end of the day, nothing changes anyway.

Last night and this morning as I was in church they led the song, "Friend of God." I love to hear my husband play the drums on that song. I caught myself watching him worship as he played. It's one of the reasons I love when he plays worship, he truly worships. I see the confidence in Neal that he knows Who God is. I know who God is too. And in the words of the song, "He calls me friend." God chooses me, He wants to be my friend.

I'm going to choose to not only meditate and memorize this week's verses, but also to walk them out. I am no longer going to be diligent in things I cannot control, but rather I am going to be diligent in the things of God and in my pursuit of Him, and Him alone. Even if He were my only friend, is friendship is enough- because unlike any other friendship, His defines me.

I am going to choose to completely counter my nature, and I am going to rejoice in hope. Hope is something I choose typically to avoid. My expectation of disappointment pains my heart. As the Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick," and that heartsickness is familiar- but in this week's verse, God seems to command I ought to choose to rejoice in hope, so I will. And the affliction I face at the actions of others, or even my own mistakes or sin- I will be patient, because that too is what God seems to command. And finally, I will continue to seek Him, be fervent in prayer.

And I will do what I can to be at peace with all, and sometimes that means cutting ties and walking away- and I will seek God's wisdom and direction about what that means specifically for the relationships in my life.

Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer.
Romans 12:11-12

If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18


The 100 Verse Challenge is based on Robert J. Morgan's book "100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart."

Grace Moment

When I was writing my novel, my goal was to make it so vivid you could see it happening in your mind. It was definitely the case as I wrote it, I could see it, like a movie. As I was ending the creative process I was driving to pick my son up from school one afternoon and I heard a song for the first time. It was Kathryn Scott's "Grace Has Called My Name." As I listened to it, I could see a very particular scene in the book happening along to the song, and since that day, in my mind the song has been called "Taryn's Song" after the main character of "Homecoming."

This song now holds a really special place in my heart. It's a beautiful song, and whenever I hear it, I can see the scene in the book, over and over again. But today my heart has been feeling low, and I've been thinking about my own moment when "grace called my name."



It's interesting to me that so many people struggle with accepting God's love for them. For me that is never my point of distress. I am completely confident in God's love for me because of that moment in my life, and all that led up to it. My struggle is with the love and acceptance of others, but not at all is it difficult to comprehend Christ's love for me.

I was finally coming to terms with my abortion. I was seeking God, and growing in His word, and I was in a bible study with a group of women like me. Our stories were all different but we were all connected through the tragedy of abortion. The Lord was finally going to bring healing for to my heart, but it meant cleaning out the deep infection that had been buried for years. The pain was necessary, but it was great.

I was driving for hours, all over town. My heart was broken, and I was weeping. Honestly I don't know where I went or how I got there. I was wrought with brokenness and despair. Honestly it's probably a miracle I wasn't in an accident, I didn't have my wits about me in the least.

When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:10

I had heard the verse, and I desperately wanted to find hope in it. But my heart still ached from the choice I had been given when I was unmarried and pregnant just a few years before, "abort my baby or lose my family." And I hated the girl who chose her comfort over the life of her child. And part of me hated my parents for "making" me become her. And even though there was hope in this verse, it didn't alleviate the pain of the betrayal.

Exhausted from the tears I'd shed, I somehow managed to drive myself home. I was overwhelmed with pain, and guilt too. I had lied to Neal. He never knew about my abortion I had told him I'd lost the baby, when the reality was, I had lost myself. Oh the ache of betrayal, shame and guilt that needed to be cleansed from my heart.

Neal had forgiven me, and I had done my best to forgive my parents, but I was consumed with how unlovely I was, and I knew that I had sinned against God in the most heinous of ways. I felt so alone in my pain.

I walked into our bedroom and lay on the bed, the weeping continued. Neal was away for the weekend and I was alone in my guilt and grief. I collapsed across our bed and wept for hours.

That was when my Grace Moment happened, the moment "grace called my name." It was a supernatural moment, and one that I imagine many people won't even believe happened, but I know it did, and I know it was real. As I lay there asleep I felt held. I literally felt the embrace of heaven. God's loving arms around me. It was the moment I felt God's grace and forgiveness, and I knew it was mine.

Grace called my name.

Something solidified in my heart in that moment. I knew God loved me. And I knew the depth of agape, unconditional love. I knew, to the depth of my being, that He loved me because of Who He was, and not because of anything I had ever done to earn His love. And not only could I not earn it, I could not lose it, because God could not change Who He was, and He was, and is Love.

It was the way that issue was settled in my heart that led me to a place where I could truly forgive my parents, and even more, I could learn to "forgive myself," or rather, I could learn to walk in His forgiveness. I was His beloved, and I knew it. I still know it.

It is the most wonderful thing, and yet somehow,it never seems to be enough. Daily I still struggle to find my place in this world. I know my place in the next, but in this, I feel like such an alien- a square peg full of round holes. And every day, I battle the sense of rejection every day. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know the Lord loved me. I don't know how people get through this life without knowing God loves them. I am so grateful for my Grace Moment that settled that matter for me.

Oh how I wish that my confidence in God's love was enough to make me not care what others think of me. Oh to have as much confidence in who I am as I do in Who loves me. But I am thankful for this at least, grace called my name, and it is that "Grace Moment" that sustains me.

Pride Slides In

A few days ago, I was worshipping in the shower. My prayer and praise closed is efficient, I get "washed clean anew" both spiritually and physically all at once. As I was singing to the Lord, the sound of my voice reverberated off of the tile walls, and I heard myself. I have a pretty decent singing voice, and I liked the way I sounded.

I kept singing, I even belted out a few big notes. I really started to listen to how I sounded, and tried to put on a good show for the loofah and the body wash. And then it was as though the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder. "Remember me?" He seemed to be saying. And I stopped and I realized how quickly, effortlessly really, I transitioned to worshipping God, to being completely me-centered. Pride slid right in.

It was actually a profound moment for me. It was a huge "a-ha moment" broken down into the simplest of examples. I apologized to the Lord and asked Him to help me always see that prideful slide in my life as clearly as I did, quite literally, naked before Him.

I'm on a Facebook fast for Lent. Yesterday was the first day, and truth be told, I didn't miss it much at all. For me that ease was confirmation that the Lord has called me to this break. The only time I have ever effectively fasted (food, media, whatever) it has always been when the fast as God's idea more than mine, and it's never with an ulterior motive (like, "I'll fast sugar... and maybe I'll lose some weight.")

The first thing I noticed being off of Facebook was how I felt less pressed, less hurried. I didn't realize how strong my compulsion was to be "out there." I know I like to communicate, but I didn't realize how much I felt the need to. And with Facebook as a non-option, I just simply felt less pressed.

Until today.

Today I got a very exciting package in the mail. I have self-published my first (completed) novel, and when the books came, I was giddy beyond distraction. I had all sorts of intentions to accomplish certain things at work today and instead all I could do was think about the books I was holding in my hand. I left to go pick up lunch for Neal and I and my mind was flying. And I desperately wanted to shout from the rooftops about my accomplishment. I wanted to be on Facebook.

As I was driving back from Chik-Fil-A, I "felt" the Holy Spirit quicken my spirit again. It was like I was singing in the shower all over again.

You see, I've written this book, and it's good. That's not my opinion, that's the opinion of others. I wrote the story because I felt it was important to tell. There is a valuable message to be told. And even as I was writing it, I felt God's hand in it. The book has a purpose. And here I am at risk of getting in the way of it, because if I lose focus of that, I might just let pride slide in, and the book won't be about glorifying God, or ministering to others, but it will be about me. God forbid.

Promoting the book is going to be a careful walk, because promoting me is sometimes a part of it. But there has to be a way to do that, and not let the pride slide happen. It's not going to be easy.

And in as humble a manner as I can muster, let me tell you, for more information about buying my book, you can go to www.dianadepriest.com
(And contrary to alleged rumors, I did not go on Facebook at all today, in any way, shape or form. This fast is very serious to me, and obedience isn't optional.)

Why Lent? Because something's gotta give.

I have been a follower of Christ for nearly 20 years, and never have I ever even really considered observing Lent, the forty day period that leads up to Easter Sunday. I've always considered it more of a "Catholic tradition," and it's never drawn more than a passing consideration from me. Honestly I didn't "get it," and the whole idea of the debauchery and craziness of "Fat Tuesday" (aka Mardi Gras) always put me off so much I just dismissed it.

This year, however, I am not only not dismissing it, but I am strongly considering deciding to participate. If you follow this blog at all, you are probably aware that this has been a difficult season for me, one of both transition and struggle, and I've been suffering a bit of what you could probably label a sort of identity crisis.

I have to be careful with that term though. Let me be clear, I know exactly who I am in Christ. I understand who God says I am, what He's done for me, and I have no doubt that that is the reality of who I am defined as as a person.... HOWEVER, there is a disconnect between my confident scriptural awareness and the struggle of sensing it as I walk out my Walk of Faith. There is a glitch there, and I need something, somehow, to work it out.

So what exactly is Lent? I've been searching and researching, and I found a website that I think defines best why I feel the need to participate this year. It says: "Today, Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent. The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead him to abandon his mission and calling. Christians today use this period of time for introspection, self examination, and repentance." (emphasis mine)

Something's gotta give in my life right now, and I honestly don't know what it is. I've been examining and evaluating and probably over thinking myself into spiritual and emotional exhaustion, and I feel so worn out. I do not see rebellious sin in my life, if anything I am trying with all I am to draw close and seek the Lord. Whether I am in a desert or a season of stretching or sifting, I do not know. I have been through all of these things before in my 20 years following Jesus, but the thing about them, is you often don't know for sure if that's where you were until you come out and look back on it from the other side. All of those seasons are a bit disorienting, and I feel disoriented.

The fasting in Lent is meant to be sacrificial. You give something up of value to you, as an offering. I am also looking to let go of something that is contributing to my disorientation. I don't drink, or smoke, and giving up chocolate doesn't feel like a solution to what draws me to seek God. I've been praying and I am pretty certain what God has called me to let go of for the 40 days while I seek Him, and it's really hitting me where I live. It's Facebook. I kept trying to make a "better offer," and even had some valid excuses why it wouldn't work, like the 100 Verse Challenge, but the deeper I look, the more certain I am.

The good news is that Sundays are apparently "festival days" during Lent, and you get to eat your chocolate or red meat or whatever you are fasting from, which means I could still check in on Facebook and keep the Challenge going as well as connect with my son's fundraising activities for his missions trip. Those were my only really good arguments about why I should not take a break from Facebook, and with this new information, it was assuaged. I can do both.

I'm not sharing this to be like "oh look at me, I'm fasting," because the fact is, I'm not impressed with myself at all, I am choosing to be obedient to what I believe God is whispering to my heart out of a desperation. The last thing I was certain the Lord was speaking to me was a simple instruction, "Listen to hear, before listening to speak." I think Facebook hinders me in that. Unlike my blog where I typically have to set aside time and contemplate before I post, on Facebook there is little filter, I am extremely communicative, and sometimes I only think to speak, or worse, don't think and speak, and listening, especially listening to the Lord gets lost by the wayside. So I really do feel like the Lord is asking this of me, and I really need to make the effort to walk it out. Because if I am right, and it is of Him, then there is excellent purpose in it.

Things that won't change, is my blogs will post to my page because they do it automatically, as well as do things I highlight from my reading on my Kindle, and anyone who wants to can reach me via email or by text if they want to. I won't be inaccessible, but I will be less distracted. I'll have to take Facebook off my phone and sign out on all the computers that automatically sign in, but it will be for good purpose, and in the process, hopefully there is a surrender that if this in fact a stretching season, I will be more malleable to the work of the Holy Spirit, or if a season of sifting, I will be strong enough to withstand the testing. And if a desert, perhaps I will be quiet enough to hear more clearly the direction God is calling me to, and my own complaints will be silenced if no one but God is listening.

That's my hope. So why Lent? Because something's gotta give, and it has to start with me giving more of myself to God. It starts a week from tomorrow, and my prayer is that by then I will have laid down all my angst and will be looking forward to the season leading up to the most precious of days, Easter Sunday when Jesus after dying for me, rose again so I could have victory in my life, and so I could know Him.

The Thing About Bitterness

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15

The Battle Rages On

I find great comfort in the writings of Paul the apostle. Although I associate better with Peter, typically (he's so limber like me- always putting his foot in his mouth) the writer in Paul connects to my spirit. Romans chapter 7, in particular, gives me hope and encouragement.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Romans 7:21-24

And the fact that Paul prayed three times for God to remove some undefined "thorn is his flesh to which God's reply was: "NO." He assured Paul His grace was sufficient.

I reposted on my Facebook today a blog from November of 2009. It was about anxiety, and the constant battle I have had with is since 2004. Here we are in 2012 and it is still a nemesis. It's, perhaps not as powerful as it used to be. I am certainly able to call it out and recognize it for what it is, which in reality is a HUGE first step in the battle. (Think of little David calling out big old Goliath as the "uncircumcised Philistine," who had no shot against the him with the Living God on his side.)

But there is something disheartening in the fact that the battle keeps coming back around, a little different, and yet somewhat the same. And for me, I see this with many of my "constant battles." They seem chronic. So when I read Paul's words, the man God chose to use more than possibly any other person ever on the planet, it gives me hope. Because what I understand from my reading here, is that it's not so much the battle that I define that's chronic, but it is the battle that is "the flesh," that is lifelong.

Today in the news there is talk about the fact that Josh Hamilton, MLB outfielder for the Texas Rangers has been seen drinking in bars. I've read Josh's book, and seen his I Am Second video, and the man has had a radical experience with Christ, and been blessed tremendously, and yet, his battle rages on too. You can click on the link of his video and hear him say for himself, HE KNOWS BETTER, and he knows that just one drink is a slippery slope for him toward decisions that could end his career. The first line in the video says in effect, "drugs and alcohol, I never used one without the other," so for him, just a beer in a bar is NOT, "no big deal."

When I told my kids this morning about Josh so we could pray for him, my Jake's response was "He should go watch his 'I Am Second video'," and Jake was right, he needs to remember where he has come from, and be reminded this is a battle he cannot fight on his own. I imagine he too would appreciate Paul's words above. I just hope his desire match's Paul's as well, and that whatever caused him to drink on Monday, he wants Christ more.

Josh makes reference to a particular scripture in his video that is appropriate for any of us to remember as we struggle and fight our own personal battles "of the flesh." Whether it is an issue of alcohol and drug abuse like Josh Hamilton, or something considered more benign like food, or something emotional like anxiety or anger, it's important to recall that we have an enemy of our souls who is studying our weaknesses with one purpose, to destroy us. If he cannot destroy our lives or our salvation, he will find some satisfaction is destroying our witness to the world around us.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
James 4:7

Sometimes in our minds,I think, we think of "resistance" as some sort of defense mechanism. I can picture someone backed in a corner slapping or striking at someone coming at them. But I don't think this is the kind of resistance referenced here. I think it's far more proactive. It's a pushing back, started perhaps even before the attack begins. And it's done in submission to God, which to me speaks of abiding, praying, meditating on God's word. I know Josh Hamilton has had many "safety nets" in place since his sobriety (though this is his 2nd public slip) and I know recently his accountability partner moved away and the position not yet refilled. It speaks volumes about how we cannot get comfortable in the "status quo" of things when they seem to be going well. The bible describes Satan as a lion prowling about- waiting to pounce. And I suspect it's that moment that we relax in confidence, like Josh thinking, "One drink won't hurt," that the enemy comes out claws drawn.

I know for me the anxiety always comes first thing in the morning because I am in that sleepy unfocused state. To battle it back I have to engage immediately with the Word and use it to resist the sense of fear that tries to overwhelm me.

The battle rages on. Diligence is required in this Walk of Faith, because if we are not focused, we risk falter. And in that moment that we do, the enemy is ready to capitalize. Not for a moment should we ever consider ourselves to have "arrived" to a place where we can get by in the battles of life. If we don't keep the constant mindset that we are in battle, we will never find the victory God has called us to. And most important of all is to remember that that victory is never of our own doing, but is always in our relationship with Christ.

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.
And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
Who is he who overcomes the world,
but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?
1 John 5:4-5

Stand firm, be diligent, resist your enemy- fight the good fight submitted to the Lord, and say a prayer for Josh Hamilton that the Spirit of God would rise up in him and help him do the same, in Jesus' name!

Heart Surgery

Submission, worship and prayer.

These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.

It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.

It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.

It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.

But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.

So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.

As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.

I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.

It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.

There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.

I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.

I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.

It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.

Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.

I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).

I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.

Lamentation

Lamentation

Tomorrow seems to loom and say,
"I have no intention of going your way."

"My purpose is not in what you plan,
You can't direct me, only a fool thinks she can."

My heart's discouraged because I cannot see,
What in the world is planned for me.

I seem to fail, no matter how I strive,
To keep my diligence and determination alive.

What must God think when He can see,
All the hurt and anger that reside in me?

Feelings are not friends, can't trust what they say,
For me I often find, they just get in the way.

I don't feel like praying, of calling out to God,
Today my faith feels like nothing more than a facade.

Questioning so many, who call themselves my "friends,"
Actions speak louder than what the word pretends.

Then I have to wonder, is that the voice of dark oppression?
I honestly cannot say, that is a true confession.

When the feelings come, I want not to lift my head,
I'd honestly rather wallow and be swallowed up instead.

This the walk of a Christian? Surely it ought not be.
But this is how it happens, when my focus is only me.

Lord, forgive me for this bent, that draws my eyes away.
How I long for a steadfast focus that would never remotely stray.

My heart is troubled, which You said not to let it be,
"Believe in God," You said, "Believe also in Me."

I believe, I believe, I believe the Truth and not the lie.
My faith must rise, and my heart and feelings it must defy.

I pray the prayer of the prophet, "Lord, help my unbelief,"
For when my eyes are fixed on You, then I'll find relief.

Thank You God that you remember, I am alone but dust;
But You, my faithful Father, are deserving of my trust.

Help me not to falter, but to find my strength in You.
Lifter of my head, lift my eyes toward what is true.

Forgiven, not forsaken, chosen and set apart,
Written on Your hand, kept lovingly in Your heart.

Thank you for Your patience, and a friendship that is real,
Not defined by my circumstance, or by what I feel.

I'm longing for the peace of Your presence, in it's where I want to be,
For there I can exchange this hurt for joy, and in You I'll be free.

By Diana DePriest
© December 7, 2011

"Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.
John 14:1-3

Famine

"Go hungry, so children don't have to." That was the challenge brought before our church. Honestly I was excited to be a part of a body that was coming together in sacrifice and determination to meet an immediate need for starving children. I'd never received that kind of invitation before. Of course I have heard requests for fundraising, been solicited to donate or help out people in need, but this was different. This was the first time I felt like I was given an invitation to truly participate, and get a (very small)glimpse into their need.

Neal and I are World Vision sponsors. We sponsor two different children, a boy, Jose, who lives in the Dominican Republic, and a girl, Rahel Juju who lives in Tanzania. Each of them are the same ages as Ethan and Victoria respectively. We do help these children, our support makes their world different, and World Vision is an amazing organization. At our church our pastor is currently doing a series on the book "A Hole in Our Gospel," which is written by the president of World Vision, Richard Stearns. But the fact is, I don't even see my payment go to World Vision. It's an automatic payment that it withdrawn monthly from our bank account, it's just a part of our budget, and I don't even give it much more consideration than being aware of it when I balance our checking account. It by no means diminishes what the money does for those children, but I am realizing it has diminished what it does in my heart.

It was only for 24 hours. Eat an early dinner on Thursday night and a late dinner on Friday, and honestly it was only two meals we were asking to say "no" to. The goal was to take whatever money you would have spent on eating out or groceries and donate it to feed children in the Philippines instead.

I was excited because for the first time in 20 years Neal wanted to participate in a fast. I was so excited when I looked over in church a couple weeks ago and saw him check the box. The truth is, the things we've been hearing on Sunday mornings lately have been stirring both our hearts. We're coming to realize that maybe our faith hasn't been all it could be. Maybe in the "circle" of our lives, we were a little more center than either Christ or others, and that is, in essence, the HOLE in our gospel.

We decided to participate as a family. Giving up food isn't easy. Headaches, crankiness, but we were being asked to catch a glimpse, a tiny little glimpse of what millions experience daily. I couldn't have my 9 and 10 year old go to school without food. The reality is, I don't think the school would allow them to go the whole day without. I have on more than one occasion been charged for a $6 "emergency meal" because my kids forgot their lunches on the counter at home. So the children's breakfast and lunch were going to be rice and a little but of canned tuna. It was the closest I could come up with to be the equivalent of what the kids in feeding centers are finding to be a blessing and a bounty. I was hoping to create a little gratitude in the heart of my kids. As for their part in the challenge, the children's ministry was participating in a canned food drive for local families who are battling their own form of famine and need.

There were two things that really stuck with me about the day yesterday. The first was late Thursday night when I was preparing the bowls of rice for my kids. As I tried to find a balance of not giving them "too much" to diminish the insight for them, I thought about what it must be like for the mother finds herself wondering how to find enough. Here I was trying to figure out how not to give my kids too much. I can't imagine what it must be like trying figure out how to make something from nothing.

The second thing that really struck me was how hard it was to avoid food. Jacob came to work with Neal and I that day, and the thing I was most aware of was how much food there was to say no too. There was popcorn and chips to choose from on top of the refrigerator, a salad and yogurt inside of it. There was a box of Gingerbread Men in my desk drawer that I joked about them mocking me all day. It was hard to avoid food. I can't even begin to comprehend what it is to live in so much lack like the children we were trying to help.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit the revelation I was having. I'm not a cold-hearted or insensitive person. I DO care, that's why we are World Vision Sponsors, but my compassion lacked awareness. I'm excited to be a part of a place where I'm not allowed to be blinded to the needs of others any longer. There is pain in opening eyes to a light that it has been shaded from for many years, but it is better to see. Because only when we see can we make a difference. I feel like yesterday, my and my family's eyes were opened a little further to the truth of the needs of the world around us. I just pray I keep them open.

We when we gathered to break fast with communion last night, all of us were challenged to pray a prayer, "Break my heart, with what breaks Yours, Lord." I am praying that prayer now, and I hope it makes me a better tool in the hands of God to touch the world for Jesus. A small group of people raised enough money in a single day with a modicum of sacrifice to feed 185 children for a month! Why wouldn't we want to do that more?? We have the power to change the world, in Jesus' name!

The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern.
Proverbs 29:7


*** Want to help feed a starving child? Check out crosspointechurch.tv where you can click on "give" and designate to "Manna" or consider sponsoring a child at worldvision.org***

Feelings

I'm not a fan of feelings. I have them, I know they are God-given (and I am certain with good purpose) but I don't like the expression of them. If I let them out it is more natural for me to let out the harsher feelings than the tender ones. I can't stand to let anyone to see me cry, and I don't like to cry for that matter. Fact is when tears make their way out it is usually out of frustration or anger, rarely out of sadness.

Compassion for me is something I think more in my mind than I feel in my heart. The older I get, the more I find that to be the case, even the days of getting choked up at heart string pulling movies is past. I am more comfortable in my head than I am in my heart. I would rather rationalize than feel. I would rather plot out than tear up.

I don't like feelings, but I do have them. And I cannot stand to feel at the mercy of them.

Today I do not feel good.

I don't mean in the physical sense, if only that were the case. A nap and a bowl of warm soup often rectifies that kind of feeling. But the struggle I have today isn't in my body, it's in my heart, and my mind keeps trying to rise up and bring clarity to my feelings, but it keeps getting shoved back, and when my feelings get in control like that, it's never a good thing.

Today my feelings want very much to take control, and the truth is there is a part of me that wants me to let them, come what may... but feelings can be dangerous.

Today I feel walking away

from people

from relationships

from commitments.

Today I feel like people I count as friends really aren't,

like friendships are one-sided,

like I am disregarded,

distrusted,

just plain dis'd.

Today I feel like I am insignificant,

like nothing I do has ever had any lasting impact,

like I am completely replaceable,

like my life doesn't count.

I'm not writing this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or so good-intentioned people will try to boost my ego, or so that those who maybe actually have contributed to my feelings can try to rectify, justify or solidify the feelings. The truth is, right now I don't feel like giving a rat about it anyway.

I told you, feelings are dangerous, and the way I feel right now, I feel like being rash and making big sweeping cuts and moves in my life even if it means leaving a wake of "bodies" behind me. That is how I honestly feel.

It makes me wonder if this is what James referred to in the Bible as being double-minded. Because when my brain takes a back seat to my heart, I certainly feel "unstable in all my ways." And yet, even in acknowledging that struggle within, part of me feels like not caring and just being rash, making moves, living with consequences.

It's how I feel.

Maybe that's why God tells the double minded to resist the devil, because these fighting feelings want to usurp the authority in my life that should belong to the Holy Spirit of God. It is the opposite of the self-control that the Bible says is a fruit of the Spirit. These feelings, corruptible as they are. resist the wisdom that God offers, even advises the double minded to ask for.

"Be sober minded" the Bible says, but right now my mind is on a contact high of whatever my feelings are focused on. And the battle to wake up and walk right wages within me.

By the grace of God, the mind eventually rises up, remembers the Word of Truth that it has hidden in the heart of itself. But right now that eventual grace seems distant, because right now I would rather silence the wisdom and succumb to how I feel.

It makes me feel like I ought to step back, reign myself in and let the storm of emotions pass, however long that might require. So maybe not all feelings are bad after all.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
James 4:7-9

Pain

I've been thinking about pain a lot lately. Probably because I have been in it for so long now.

Several months ago I did something to pinch a nerve in my back. The pain is inside my left shoulder blade. Originally, it hurt the most when I was either driving my car, or sitting at my desk working (at work or at home). Can I just say? As a working mom, those were two EXTREMELY difficult times to deal with pain. Working at my desk and driving in my car are UNAVOIDABLE, and also completely necessary. Whatever the nerve is that is pinched, it also has caused a facial tick. If I raise my eyebrows, there is what feels like a fish hook in my bottom lip that causes it to quiver. How the two are related is completely beyond me, but they are.

For several months, I tried my best to work through the pain. I would shift on to one hip, sit up on one leg. In the car I would lean back like a low rider just to remove the hot stabbing pain in my back. Ideally if I could just have avoided the positions I had to be in to drive and work maybe it would have gotten better, but it wasn't an option. So for several months I suffered through.

Pain- a huge hot knife like feeling in my back and painful tingling down through my arm. I would take 15 Advil a day to suffer through. When I started getting bloody noses, I decided I better bite the bullet and go see the chiropractor so he could possibly help.

Come to find out the nerve in my back was pinched between a displaced rib and a displaced vertebrae. My doctor was a little shocked about how out of whack things were. So he aligned things back and I have since been to see him nearly a dozen times getting "adjusted."

The fact is, in many ways, things have only gotten worse. This nerve that was pinched has now been released, but the compression of it actually limited it's ability to feel the discomfort. Now this damaged nerve has to heal. And instead of the relief of circulation being cut off much of the time, blood is flowing fully to it, and it hurts all the time.

Sitting and driving still hurt. The knife is a little smaller, and the numbness has subsided considerably, but the pain is still just as intense. But now I can no longer find relief by standing up and moving around. The respite that laying down used to bring doesn't exist anymore, now I wake up and I ache constantly. The hurt is constant.

It's sort of interesting to me how when you remove the source of the pain, it didn't actually bring relief to it. I thought once the doctor adjusted me, things would get instantly better, but it just hasn't turned out to be the case.

I'm finding it not to be just the case in the situation of my back either. Heart pain can be very much the same way. Even when you remove, or move away from the source of it, the pain can linger. Sometimes it can even intensify.

I don't believe that time has the ability to heal wounds, but I do believe that sometimes time must pass for healing to take place. So I guess in both my body and my heart, though adjustments have been made, and sources of pain removed, it's a matter of time before the hurt no longer besets me.

For my body I'll take an Advil and put my salon pas pad in place. For my heart, I will say a prayer and rest in the knowledge that God is with me and for me, and will see me through.

Hard Things

It's nearly 3 am and I cannot sleep. My mind is heavy, my thoughts constant. It's not confusion that keeps me awake but constancy. Thought after thought is running through my mind. Overload of concerns and information keep me from closing my eyes. It's not unrest exactly, but even with the residing peace in my soul, I feel burdened.

Without deciding to, my husband and I find ourselves in the position of teaching our children hard things. As a parent I find myself teaching my children something almost all the time. But sometimes the lessons are thrust upon us and not chosen. I find myself in the midst of that.

Teaching my children that mom and dad don't always have all the answers is difficult. So many things in life have simple answers, and honestly as parents, we often make decisions in the teaching process just for the purpose of giving our kids resolution. Lots of things are "black an white" enough that you can make a choice and live with it.

Right now my children are learning that not all decisions are "black and white." They're also learning that some decisions can't be made quickly. That's hard for me. I'm the kind of person who likes to lay everything out, pros and cons below each option, at least mentally, and look at the choices and go with one. But right now, things aren't all that simple, and there really isn't anything that can be done to change that. And that is a hard thing.

"Follow your heart" is a worldly wisdom that works its way into the lives of us all. Often in easy choices it can actually be wisdom. But sometimes, like now for us, our hearts have to be removed from the decision making process. That's a hard thing to teach your child. That's a hard thing fr anyone to learn, and a really hard thing to walk out.

Sometimes in life you find yourself in limbo, and that too is a hard thing. Waiting and watching is probably a better description for the goal of where we'd like to truly be, but in all honesty, it really just feels like limbo. It's hard enough to find yourself dancing there, but teaching your children to keep the rhythm of that dance, it's a hard thing.

Suddenly, I'm remembering a ride on a catamaran when I was about 12 years old. The ride on that boat felt a lot like what life feels like these days, in flux. I remember laying down in the back of the boat, my stomach turning. I was so sick. As I sat and stared at the waves it just caused my head to spin and my tummy to turn. The truth is, as I look at so much of the things about me, I feel very much the same way.

I remember my dad coming along side me. He pointed to a large island off on the horizon. He told me, "Look at the island, whatever you do, look at what isn't moving, and not at what is." I just wanted to close my eyes, but "No," he told me, "force your eyes open and look at the island. Closing your eyes will only make it worse."

My dad was right. It was a hard thing to overcome the desire to just close my eyes to the waves around me, but when I did what he said and I focused on what was not moving, I actually started to feel better. The headache began to subside and my stomach ceased to churn. The waves were no less choppy, and the ride was no more smooth, but when I fixed my eyes, I was able to not only weather the ride, but to a degree, I even found myself able to enjoy it.

It's a hard thing to teach your kids, and to remember for yourself for that matter, that when the waves are raging and the ride feels choppy, you have to fix your eyes on what is solid and unmoving. When you cannot find your own bearings you have to focus what is secure.

It's a hard thing to teach your children to fix their eyes on Jesus and to overlook the waves they do not understand. To teach them to trust in something bigger than their minds can fully grasp.

As I am finishing this up, I just clicked over to my Facebook where a young man I know has left me a scripture to encourage me. He's spoken prophetically into my life without even realizing it. And the passage is a perfect way to end this post.

"Listen to Me, you who follow after righteousness, You who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug...For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort her waste places; He will maker her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."
Isaiah 51:1-3

Looking to the immovable Rock. It is a hard thing, but so much harder not to.

Heavy

My heart is so heavy.

I don't even know how to write. And if you know me, you know that makes the burden so much heavier.

So many of the burdens aren't really mine, but it doesn't change the fact that they are weighing on my heart. Every where I turn, it seems I see something of concern.

Sin, injustice, woundedness, brokenness, foolishness... the list is long.

I wish there was a phone booth and a cape with my name on it. I wish I could swoop down in and rescue the hurting, wake up the foolish, and make an impact on the world around me.

But alas, I have no cape. And I don't supposed I could find a phone booth if my life depended on it. And I don't have the super powers to back up any of it.

My heart aches.

I think back to a prophesy that was spoken over me about a year ago. Part of it said, "Burdens have been placed over you, but what is heavy TO you, will not be heavy ON you."

Right now, it all feels heavy ON me.

Other people's secrets.

Other people's sins.

Other people's offenses.

Other people's hurt.

Other people's fear.

Other people's anger.

Other people's problems.

I am NOT an intercessor. But I am doing my best to take the weights I feel and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I'm doing my best not to let righteous indignation rule.

I'm doing my best to remember we are ALL sinners saved by grace.

And I'm doing my best to hold up under the weight of silence.

God sees what I don't see. He knows what I don't know. He has the strength to not only lift, but to carry the weight that feels so very heavy on my heart.

Heavy

I feel so heavy laden,
Father help me let go;
Of things I don't understand,
Things I cannot know.

Remind my of Your Truth,
Help me trust again;
Remembering Your love,
Remembering my Friend.

I'm growing so tired,
Father lift the weight;
Be the Lord of all,
Set my focus straight.

Taking on so much,
No burden is mine to bear;
You're willing to take it all,
Just because You care.

And not just for me,
But for all those that I love;
So take over all the burdens,
Work them out from up above.

And help me find the rest,
That only in You is found;
And I can feel light,
Not anchored to the ground.

You bid me "Come,"
And so now I choose to do,
I give You all these burdens,
In exchange for more of You.

By Diana DePriest
© August 28, 2011

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

Battling Bitterness

When I was in the 6th grade, I remember a lesson that we had about the 5 senses. We sat outside on the grass near the basketball courts and our teacher was talking about taste. He held out a plate with chocolate on it and all of us took a piece gladly. Waiting till he told us to take a bite, when the moment came, for half of us, what we got was far different than what we expected.

Popping the chocolate in my mouth I tasted nothing for a second, and then as I began to chew, my mouth filled with bitterness. I'd been fooled, I hadn't been given regular chocolate, it was baker's chocolate, and it was awful! Half the class made sounds of spitting and gagging, over the sound of my own spitting and gagging, I heard the "distaste" of several of my peers as well. The rest of kids, who got the good old fashioned milk chocolate, just stared at us in confusion.

What I remember most was that even after I spit all the chocolate out of my mouth, the nasty taste remained. That's the thing about bitterness, it lingers, sometimes long after it's cause is gone.

The week we were studying about laying aside bitterness in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, I asked Neal to build me a cross. I also asked him to buy me a big bag of rocks. The night we all met for study I used both props to share what the Lord had been showing me about needing to lay our hurts and offenses at the foot of the cross. That night I carried the very heavy bag of "offenses" and my cross back to my can and brought it home.

Late that night, I felt the Lord draw me out to my car to unpack it, and that's when He used the same props to speak to me. I knew I was supposed to set up the cross and the rocks somewhere here at home to serve as a reminder. As I stood in my yard after midnight, rocks and cross by my side, I looked for a proper place to set it up, finally the planter in the center of my yard seemed like the ideal place.

I set the cross down, and began to unpack the rocks. Too heavy to lift the bag up into the planter to pour them out, I began to unpack them one by one. It took quite a while, and as I unloaded the offenses, I talked to the Lord. I asked for help to be a woman of forgiveness. I prayed for help to heal from hurts that had been done to me. I begged the Lord to help me be quick to lay offenses at His cross so as not to let a bitter root even begin. Eventually I just found myself thanking and praising Him for even allowing me the privilege to come to the foot of His cross and find health and wholeness there.

When I finished laying all the rocks around the bottom of the cross, I noticed how similar it looked like a grave. I prayed the Lord would help me keep bitterness and unforgiveness there. As I stood up I realized where the Lord had impressed upon me to plant the cross, it was beneath our olive tree. The olive tree, which represents both victory and peace. I knew it wasn't an accident.

There is both victory and peace in the decision to let God be sovereign, even over our hurts and offenses. If I choose to hold my offense, it is the same as saying that God can not be trusted to bring good of it. The truth is, all that holding on to it does is weigh me down.

Later that week our assignment for bible study was to spend quiet time alone with the Lord. We were just supposed to sit quietly in His presence, resting, and listening for the voice of the Lord should He choose to speak. On this particular day sitting on the curb across the street from my house, I was having a hard time laying some of the offenses I'd been feeling at the foot of the cross. I was holding on to them, not trusting the Lord. As I sat dwelling on hurts I felt at the hands of other believers, I heard the Lord speak to my heart.

He said, "You're right." And I bolstered in the pause. Then I heard Him say, "Because of what Jesus did on the cross." I felt the wind leave my self-righteous sail a little, but He wasn't finished, and then He said, "And because of what Jesus did, so are they." It pierced to the core of my heart. The realization that offenses are settled in the body of Christ because of what Jesus did on the cross. I find not only forgiveness there, but I also rightly surrender my right to justice. If my idea of justice can only be played out in some real time validation, then I have lost sight of exactly what happened at Calvary. Jesus died once and for all. So if my sins are covered in his blood, so are the sins of those of His kids who have offended me, and likewise, if there is no grace for their sins, neither is there grace for mine.

As I walked back up to my doorway, I stopped momentarily at the cross by my olive tree, symbolically I tossed the imaginary rocks that represented my hurts at the foot of my little cross. The thing is, this was one little victory, one battle won in the war that lasts a lifetime as a follower of Christ. Today I found out someone very dear and close to me had been talking about me behind my back. It's actually the second time I have heard something like that in the week's since we began the chapter on forgiveness. This time though they really hit me where I lived, calling me a bad mom and tearing down my kids. I spent some time being wounded and hurt tonight before I realized I needed to go and sit at the Father's feet.

The Lord showed me that what had been spoken had been overflow out of a bitter heart. Bitterness begets bitterness. The conversations that had been had and the root of the attacks came out of a bitterness that didn't even have anything to do with me. And the Lord showed me, I had a choice to make. Would I let that person's bitterness infect my own heart, or would I choose to go back to the place of victory and peace.

It wasn't an easy offense to lay down, but I responded to the lie with Truth. The Truth is that even if I am not the perfect mom, I am loved and accepted by my heavenly Father. The truth is that my sin is covered, and if I believe in God's sovereignty, I have to let Him cover the sin of this offense as well. What I found was that the best way to do that was to change my focus.

I took my eyes off of myself, and off of my hurt feelings. I took my eyes off of the offender and the hurtful words they'd spoken over me. I took my eyes off of all the imperfect and looked firmly at the Lord. I gave Him the offense and my hurt, knowing and trusting that His pierced hands can be trusted with my wounded heart. He is sovereign and He has promised. He can be trusted, so that's what I decided to do, to trust the One who loved me enough to cover all my sins.

Reigning in the "ten-year-old"

Sat down with a couple of dear ladies for dinner last night. IF I said they were my "friends" that would be accurate, but not sufficient to describe them.

Truth be told, my time with them has been limited, and I truly don't know a lot about them, though I learned a little more last night, but there is a bond and a connection that knits our hearts together. The Lord has put me on their hearts, and they are reaching out to invest in me, because they see something worth laying hold of. They believe in me, and have confidence in me. They are too dear sweet women who I feel like my name is safe on their lips. That's what I told them last night as we left the restaurant.

For me to feel that way about someone is somewhat rare, and sadly it seems to become more rare all the time. They aren't the only people I feel that way about, by any means, but the list is still short. And because the Lord seems to have gifted me with these two women, these "mothers of the faith," it is particularly dear to me that God has placed them in my life. When I am with them, I feel unconditional love and acceptance. What a rare gift that is.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go last night. I was very close to cancelling just because I am so worn out. My body is not my friend. I have been in chronic pain long enough now, that I have finally lost count of just how long. Even as I sit here and type now, the pain in my neck and shoulders is throbbing. My emotions likewise have taken a beating. I am hurt and raw. The pain of it seems ongoing, and rising up in new places all the time. Even as I sat with the ladies and we talked, new arrows pierced my heart, not from them, but through our conversation.

These women because they love me, and although they support me, and even truly like me, I think, are far from simple cheerleaders. They are willing to, dare I say, determined to speak truth into my life, even hard truth. They do it lovingly, but they don't hold back. And I have to say, it is far easier to receive from someone who you feel your name is safe with than it is with anyone where there is even a hint of distrust.

These mothers of the faith, fast becoming like spiritual moms to me, know and see that there are hard things I am called to do. Things that bring about the emotional pain and personal hurts. Hard things that are hard when you feel good, but feel almost burdensome when your body is not your friend. But because they love me, they wouldn't accept my excuses.

They held my hand and spoke words of life as I sat there crying in the corner booth, but they didn't relent from speaking the truth. They didn't let the compassion they felt for me overwhelm the truth they believe for me. And every time I said "It's too hard," they countered with "But in Christ you can." I've spoken those words to others myself, and I have to say, they are hard to hear but necessary just the same.

"Take your thoughts captive," they instructed. "Speak words of life," they said. It's true, every time I say it's hard, it really gets a little harder.

Finally the Lord gave me the word picture that I understood. When my kids were littler, and I was chasing after the three, ages, 2, 3 and 10, it was easy for life to get consumed by the 2 and 3 year old who were needy and insistent and demanded their wants NOW! It made it harder to keep track of the ten-year-old who took advantage of my distraction and would wander off on his own way. He'd wander off and get himself into trouble, the more distracted I was, the further he went.

My emotions and my body are like the 2 and 3 year old, screaming out, throwing their tantrums, demanding all my attention NOW! And while it is easy to become consumed with how I am feeling both emotionally and physically, my mind, the 10 year old is off and wandering in the wrong direction. The one who KNOWS better is willingly going astray. And the further it wanders, the harder it is to bring it back, and the more havoc wreaked in the mean time.

When the kids were little and that happened, it meant putting the young ones somewhere safe, but a place that required less focus, down for a nap, in a time out, in a playpen to pay- their needs no less important, their demands no less intent, but the priority they were given was lessened, and the focus was brought back to the 10 year old, to bring him back under his proper training. To remind him of what he already knew and raise both the expectation and the focus to it being accomplished.

My body and emotions are what they are. I can't mature or heal them instantly out of the place they'r ein, but I can put them aside safely and get my mind back to focusing on the place that the battle is truly to be won, over my mind and thoughts.

These two women gently yet firmly reminded me, I know the Truth. I am to live by the Truth, and my focus needs to be on the Truth. It's time to reign in the big "kid" and get him back on track.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
II Corinthians 10:3-6

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32

The Mess of Forgiveness

It's been a week since I last posted. It's been a week of highs and lows, a little like an emotional roller coaster.

This week someone I love very much finally arrived at the happiest day of her life, and it was a joy to be there to witness it and be a part. It was the high point of the week, and the thread of it was something to look forward to all week long.

But my body is constantly working against me it seems. My ankle is still sore and weak. I'm sure I haven't helped matters by wearing flip flops and walking bare foot without it being wrapped, but it's summer and well, I'm a tad bit stubborn at times. In addition the pinched nerve in my back that I have been managing (or failing to manage) for the last two months has been relentless, and now I am struggling with pain in the right side of my neck as well and my left knee is sore from walking awkwardly on my bad ankle. Last night I felt a shooting pain through my lower back that felt like something was going to slip or go out, but so far, it's just a twinge here and there. But I am getting really worn down from all the aches and pains.

Pain does that to you, it wears you down. Not just physically, but emotionally too. And for almost as long as I have been nursing the physical pains, I have been nursing some emotional ones as well.

I was told recently, in essence, that I am (1) not teachable, and (2) not reachable. If not "not reachable," then I have certainly been told I am not worth the effort. The people who have spoken that to me, one in actual words, the other in specific actions- or rather inaction, have wounded my heart, and have felt justified in doing so. It's actually a bit of a pattern in that specific area of my life, and it has been a source of great frustration to me. Frustration is like my sore knee, it's not the actual source of the injury, but it is a byproduct that has resulted from it.

This week in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, we have been learning about forgiveness. The title of the chapter has been "Running with Forgiveness: Laying Aside Bitterness." The running metaphor has not been lost on me since my physical injuries have prevented me from a lot of physical activities these past few weeks, likewise, spiritual injuries can hinder us from "running" our spiritual race.

The theme verse from our Bible study, and week one's memory verse was Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...

The metaphor of the physical process is simple, whatever slows you down, you throw aside. If a rope wraps itself around you, you unwind or you cut and you move on. If a rock is placed in your arms, you toss it aside, you drop off a backpack, you tie the untied shoelace. Simple.

Spiritually speaking, the reality of laying things aside is not so simple. Those things that entangle us are not seen by the naked eye. Sometimes we think we have snipped off the snare only to find it was longer and more deeply wound than we even realized.

The Lord has been speaking a lot to me about forgiveness this week. It isn't a simple recipe to be followed the same for every offense. So many factors play into it: the offense, the offender, your own emotions, your history; all play a part. Some offenses are easy to overlook, others are not so. Sometimes it's a single offense, sometimes it's a long list of offenses. Sometimes the offender acknowledges the offense, other times they justify it, and sometimes they don't even acknowledge the offense at all.

The problem with an offense is that it becomes such because of the way it makes the offended person feel. Intentions mean nothing when a person walks away wounded. "I didn't mean it that way," or "You took it wrong," means nothing to the person who is nursing the hurt. Usually that exact response adds to the pain.

But God doesn't put conditions on His command to forgive. The truth is, forgiveness, in our case, is for our own good as much as it is for the good of the the one who has offended us. We are called to forgive because we are forgiven. The command is simple, the process is not. But it's difficulty isn't an excuse not to pursue the obedience to it.

I'll be honest, I'm not there, but I'm also struggling with the difference between bitter vs. angry. Sometimes when people hurt us, whether with their action or their inaction, with their words or their lack of words our anger is justified at the offense. And the Bible says, "BE angry... yet do not sin," so the reaction to the offense CAN actually be justified, but we have to guard our hearts from the crossing over from anger to bitterness. And I think the only sure way to do that is to get on to the business, messy as it is, to forgiving as quickly as possible. However, complicated that process may be.

The Right to Choose

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the pressure is pushing in so powerfully, it's making me want to react. It makes me want to be rash, to be reactionary. It makes me want to do what I know would (at least in the moment) make me feel better.

It isn't a constant feeling, it isn't overwhelming all the time, but it rises up suddenly. It's almost like standing in the surf at the beach. When the water recedes, it is peaceful, even pleasant. But I turn in the surf and suddenly a wave rises up and hits hard and the calmness is replaced by a tidal wave of emotion that begs for a response.

I think about the way of the world. If I lived by its code, my response would be to do exactly what my heart cries out for. I would worry about myself and do what I want to do, and everyone else be damned. That's what the world says, "Do what feels right." "Look out for number one (because no one else will.)"

But that isn't the way things are in the Kingdom of God.

First of all, I no longer belong to myself, and so I have surrendered my right to choose for myself to the Master.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Also as a Christian there is another factor tat has to be accounted for, which is how my decisions will effect others. The bible warns us (specifically in the time appropriate example of eating the meat of idols:)

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
1 Corinthians 8:9

I have been accused recently of not giving consideration to how my actions affect other people. But it isn't true. The truth is, in every decision I make I am always contemplating both how it will affect my relationship with the Lord, whether or not I am glorifying Him and whether or not my heart is right before Him, and 2nd of all I am always thinking about how my actions effect other people, because contrary to the accusations, I care deeply.

Sometimes though hard things have to be said. And sometimes you have to bear the backlash of hard choices.

Sometimes hard choices have to be made too. And sometimes the hardest choice to make is the choice to do nothing. Sometimes the choice is staying between the rock and the had place. Sometimes the choice is sucking in the wave of emotion and not responding or reacting.

Sometimes the hard choice is living with the hurt, being misunderstood and even being judged. Sometimes it has to be done, and sometimes it is so damn hard.

At the end of the day though, no matter what the reactions or judgments of another may be, I have to look around and see the good that God is doing in my life and even through my life and I have to remember that I know He knows my heart, even if no one else does.

A couple of months ago I had an experience I shared here on the blog. In the end, the Lord posed a question to me about what I was afraid of: man or disobeying God. It's a question He has posed to me again recently on a few occasions. It's funny how that day in the parking lot at Coffee Bean He settled that question with me, because in the days since, the answer has not been nearly as simple, but I knew the answer because He showed me in the simpler task.

So for now, I have to make some hard choices and say some hard things. So for now I have to accept the judgment and labels of people who believe they have me defined but really don't know me or my heart at all. So for now, I have to choose not to react or respond in my emotion or defense for the glory of God and for the good of others.

It's hard, it's really hard. But the right to choose is not my own. I have been "bought at a price" and I have to remember that there is so much more that matters than my own comfort and credit. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair, but God is bigger than what feels fair. I read a quote on Sunday that I've been holding to:

Since God is just, all that He permits is consistent with His justice... God's justice guarantees that ultimately all that is unfair will be dealt with.
-Joseph Stowell, The Upside of Down.

I'm not going to look at the rock, or the hard place. I'm not going to dwell on the accusations leveled against me. I'm not going to give heed to my own emotions or desires. I am going to surrender my rights to choose in all those things and wait on the Lord. Because if I do, He'll not only take care of me, but He'll do what is best for everyone involved, because He is the only one who has a full and accurate grasp or what is the truth.

Splinters - Retreat part 1

Retreat was good.

Even going with the best of attitudes and the most purposeful expectation, there are certain things for me that rise closer to the surface than any other time at retreat, this trip was no exception. But I didn't go unprepared and I was in battle mode, ready to take up the fight required to bring captive my thoughts to the obedience to Christ.

The fellowship I had with the girlfriends in my cabin could not have been better. There were seven of us, six who came with the intention of spending time together and the seventh who was God bringing us perfectly to the number of "completion." Everyone got along and enjoyed each other so much. We had lots of laughs playing games and sharing meals together and it was an awesome time.

Saturday was a particularly battle filled day for me. I took some time to wander off alone in nature to seek the Lord but He was very quiet. While I was out I got a several splinters in my hand. I tried to pull them out, and was able to remove all but two. The two were deep. As I came back into "civilization" with my friends I was doing my best to pick them out.

I took note that when I didn't pick at the two splinters, they were uncomfortable, but they didn't hurt. It was only when I tried to pull them out, without the proper tools mind you, that it really hurt. The irony of the comparison to the thoughts and hurts I was battling wasn't lost on me. That's the thing about heading up to retreat, the "discomfort" of my issues develops into full fledged pain because of the picking that it brings.

I eventually went to my cabin and grabbed a safety pin, a "proper tool," to remove the splinter, quite literally, the thorn in my flesh. As I came back and sat at a table where my friends were playing cards, I began the work of removing my thorns. The first one came out relatively easily, but the second one had sunk deep and required some serious digging. I got it out, but it left it's mark. It hurt a little even after the splinter was out, but it was the kind of hurt that I knew would heal.

Unfortunately, thorns in the spirit aren't always as easy to pull out. And over the course of the weekend, one of my friends and I talked about the fact that sometimes, God chooses not to remove the spiritual thorns in our flesh. Instead He speaks straight to our hearts and says, "My grace is sufficient."

That was kind of how I felt this weekend about my spiritual splinters. I think the Lord did a little digging and actually removed one or two that I didn't even bring to Him. I wasn't unaware of them, but they weren't painful, so I was satisfied to leave them there. But now that He removed them, I am glad, I realize it's so much better.

But there is another deeper thorn that I feel like the Lord said, "My grace is sufficient." Interestingly enough, that brings a whole different kind of healing.

When I came home from retreat, my nightly devotional made this statement: "Focus on God's Presence in your present." (paraphrased) It was a profound statement for me. So much of my "splinter" issue comes from looking in the past and from focusing on the future, instead of being where I am and focusing on Him, remembering His grace is indeed sufficient.

What I have taken from this admonition from my devotional, and all the things the Lord has been speaking in the weeks that led up to it is this:

"Dwell, delight, depend."

The Lord is in my now and He is with me and for me in it. He has left my past and has asked me to hand it over to Him as well, not to keep carrying it around. My future is in His plans, He will be there, but He's not there yet and I should never try to run ahead of Him. I need to be here in His presence now, abiding in Him and enjoying Him, and relying on Him, in confidence and trust.

Fear is a cancer

My husband isn't well. Last week before he and Ethan left for a marathon two day trip in Sacramento with school, he made some passing comments about some discomfort in his neck. To be honest I didn't pay a whole lot of attention.

After flying home Thursday night it was after midnight Friday before they got home. I asked about the trip and helped shuffle the very sleepy Ethan off to bed and then Neal mentioned his neck again. This time he put my hand to his neck where I felt a lot of swelling and a "lump" I could move around inside. It scared me. I drew my hand back and anxiety began to fill me.

We went to bed, but I didn't sleep well. Neal, on the other hand, exhausted from his trip crashed. When morning broke, I woke and just lay waiting till I could call a doctor's office. When 9 am finally came, I made the call.

Currently we are "between" doctors. Our doctor of more than 20 years is converting into a "concierge" medical practice. If you don't know what that is, basically it means you pay $1800 a year just to have a "membership" with the doctor. It's supposed to bring about better care and attention. For us it meant finding a new doctor. Fortunately I had started to do some investigating when we found out about our doctor's change, but we are the kind of people who don't go to a doctor unless we need one, which hasn't been very often.

Friends had recommended a doctor they liked, so I called him and made Neal an appointment. He was able to fit him in just a couple hours later. We were met that morning with car trouble, Ethan was still asleep recuperating from his trip, and my Victoria, who was suffering from strep, was still sound asleep late into the morning as well. So I armed Neal with his medical card, our medical credit card and a check to pay the doctor and sent him in his way.

It was not long after noon before Neal got home and I asked him what the doctor said. All the doctor told him was he had no idea what was wrong with Neal. It could be an infection, but he didn't know. Swollen lymph nodes can be caused by infection, virus or disease. He had let the doctor know we had strep in the house, but the doctor said definitely "no." Could be infection, and the fact that there is pain and tenderness in the area is actually a good sign. But bottom line, the doctor didn't know. He told him to take a prescription of antibiotics and return a week from Monday.

Neal's been on the antibiotics since Friday, but so far, no improvement. I keep catching him reaching up and fondling at his neck. He actually says he thinks it might feel a little worse, and he's concerned that the tenderness seems to be spreading up the back of his scalp. I've been watching him be preoccupied with it, and started to realize it was "metastasize" from concern into fear. As I have watched his fear grow, I've felt mine increase too.

Yesterday we were in the kitchen together making sandwiches, and with his back to me he said, "Are you afraid." I admitted I was, and he said the words, "I'm afraid too." It buckled me a little, because my Neal isn't one who struggles with fear.

Last night we were busy with Jacob and his friends. It was a fun busy night, but all throughout I keep watching Neal's hand go to his neck. Every time it did, I felt my fear increase. At the end of the night after all Jake's friends had been picked up or delivered home, Neal wandered back to the office. After a while I went back to check on him.

I asked him if he was OK, and he said to me, "I just want to see my daughter get married." There was something in his voice and in his eyes that actually buckled me. It was like all the fear I had been pushing back suddenly flooded the room, and flooded both our hearts. Once again, as many times in the 48 hours since Neal had gotten back from his trip, I laid my hand on his neck and I prayed and asked the Father to just take this invader away.

Neal and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this week just before he and Ethan left town. We've been talking a lot about how blessed we are for the 20 years of marriage we have shared. I adore my husband, and of all the things in the world that frighten me, losing my husband is at the very top of my list. More than losing a child or having something happen to myself, the fear that I struggle with is losing Neal. And now it's like something is tugging at the darkest hidden place in my heart.

When I woke up this morning, Neal was already gone to church. He was playing worship for the children's ministries. As I got up and spent my morning time with the Lord, I poured my heart out about this situation and our fears, just as I did as I sat with the Father last night. I prayed first for God to heal, but even more, I prayed for God to conquer the fear. Then I sent out a text message to friends I trust and people who I know love and care about my hubby, and asked them to pray for it too.

I keep thinking about how much the Word of God speaks against fear. "Fear not!" He told Joshua (repeatedly.) Timothy tells us that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear. Neal came and sat with me after playing worship this morning in big church. I shed a few tears before he got there during worship and repeating the words he said to me last night to a friend. I almost can't utter them out loud. When service was over I pushed Neal to the front of church to ask for prayer. A good friend and godly man prayed for us, and as we bowed to the Father others came up alongside. I watched as my husband shed a tear or two as well.

My pastor's wife prayed out over him the verse I have been meditating on, 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I yes'd and amen'd because I know, that whatever Neal may be facing in his health (and we have certainly run ahead in the possibilities) the fear is a dangerous enemy in the fight. Fear grips and chokes. Fear is like a cancer that tries to weaken our faith and hope.

This morning as my Facebook status I wrote, "The "unknown" taunts, while "what if" and "could be" tries to chase you down a dark and scary path. It's why you can never let go of Daddy's hand, He sees all. He's then close enough to focus on. It doesn't make the dark any less scary, but it keeps it from having all the power it longs for."

I'm trying very hard to hold to this truth and and hold on to what we DO know, God is big. God tells us not to be fearful or anxious. God is for us. I keep repeating the word of God to my fears, silently praying them over my husband. But I'm not going to lie, it taunts me. In between the prayers and scriptures I find myself watching Neal, trying not to imagine what life would be like without him.

If you think of it, say a prayer for us. Pray for healing in my hubby, and for God to cure the cancer that is fear that is trying hard to grip our hearts. I hope to report back soon with how silly we have been when everyting turns out to be just fine - in Jesus' name.