Do it anyway?

Following is hard. Signing on to be the follower might even be considered a little nuts. That's what I think sometimes when I look at the military. I'm so glad for the people who sign up, but I think to myself, "I could never do that." The blind obedience that is required-- you pretty much give up all your rights. Where you go, what you do, even what you eat, all those things are decided for you. It's little like going to prison, though honorable, and the uniforms are definitely cooler. But you cannot discount the similarities and I have thought more than once, "I could never do it."

And then I think, is following Christ so very different? Because it shouldn't be. Much like those who enlist in the military who make a pledge to follow and agree to unconditional obedience, that's what following Jesus ought to resemble.

The bible says it like this, "bought at a price." When we say "yes" to Jesus we pretty much sign over the rights to our lives to Him. There's a popular Christian song right now that says something to the effect of "Where You go, I'll go; where You stay, I'll stay; when You move, I'll move, I will follow You." That's what saying "yes" to Jesus is supposed to be like.

And when I think about that, I think to myself, the military might be easier. Because in the military if you fail to "follow" the consequence is swift. You'll know it quickly, and you'll suffer accordingly. Getting back on track is something I'd be swiftly convinced to agree to. Not following would bring greater suffering than following, and I would acquiesce.

And in the military, I suspect the objective is clearer. Goals are defined, the desired result is more clear. I cannot always say the same when following Jesus, at least not in the way I would like to have goals, results and objectives clearly defined. In the military the picture is narrow, in Christ,the vision is broad, more broad than I can even comprehend.

Sometimes God asks us me to do things, and I don't understand. I look and I don't see the results I think I should, and I wonder why I'm doing them.

When you don't see an impact, do you do it anyway?
When you don't see a benefit, do you do it anyway?
When you can't grasp the purpose, do you do it anyway?

These are the questions I find myself struggling with.

I wrote a book. It's a good book, a story that I know has purpose and needs to be told. But I sell a couple dozen and then it seems like nothing else comes of it. And I wonder, what I felt while I was writing, the leading, the directing, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was it Him? Or was it just me?

Passion, purpose, talents and gifts-- all coming together, is it God's hand? His plan? Where are the results?
Are lives being touched?
Is it providing for my family?
Is it making an impact?

If I don't have the answers, or if the answer seems to be "no," do I do it anyway?

If it magnifies what seems NOT be happening and NOT going right in my life, but He still seems to be leading, directing, inspiring-- do I do it anyway?

I'm writing my second book-- more to the story of the first book that's "out there,"-- maybe or maybe not making a difference. It has social value, and the potential to touch a life, but I may never see it. So do I do it anyway?

The real question is, "how do I not?"

God leads, I have to follow, even if I don't understand. He never promised that I would. Even if I don't benefit, because it's not really about me. Because it might minister-- even to just one, and that is by definition what ministry is, at least the way Jesus did it.

So do I do it anyway? Yes, I must. Because it's all about Him. And if it brings Him any glory, then it was worth it.

And when I'm wondering why I'm doing it, that's what I need to remember, because following in obedience-- that honors Him.

Pride Slides In

A few days ago, I was worshipping in the shower. My prayer and praise closed is efficient, I get "washed clean anew" both spiritually and physically all at once. As I was singing to the Lord, the sound of my voice reverberated off of the tile walls, and I heard myself. I have a pretty decent singing voice, and I liked the way I sounded.

I kept singing, I even belted out a few big notes. I really started to listen to how I sounded, and tried to put on a good show for the loofah and the body wash. And then it was as though the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder. "Remember me?" He seemed to be saying. And I stopped and I realized how quickly, effortlessly really, I transitioned to worshipping God, to being completely me-centered. Pride slid right in.

It was actually a profound moment for me. It was a huge "a-ha moment" broken down into the simplest of examples. I apologized to the Lord and asked Him to help me always see that prideful slide in my life as clearly as I did, quite literally, naked before Him.

I'm on a Facebook fast for Lent. Yesterday was the first day, and truth be told, I didn't miss it much at all. For me that ease was confirmation that the Lord has called me to this break. The only time I have ever effectively fasted (food, media, whatever) it has always been when the fast as God's idea more than mine, and it's never with an ulterior motive (like, "I'll fast sugar... and maybe I'll lose some weight.")

The first thing I noticed being off of Facebook was how I felt less pressed, less hurried. I didn't realize how strong my compulsion was to be "out there." I know I like to communicate, but I didn't realize how much I felt the need to. And with Facebook as a non-option, I just simply felt less pressed.

Until today.

Today I got a very exciting package in the mail. I have self-published my first (completed) novel, and when the books came, I was giddy beyond distraction. I had all sorts of intentions to accomplish certain things at work today and instead all I could do was think about the books I was holding in my hand. I left to go pick up lunch for Neal and I and my mind was flying. And I desperately wanted to shout from the rooftops about my accomplishment. I wanted to be on Facebook.

As I was driving back from Chik-Fil-A, I "felt" the Holy Spirit quicken my spirit again. It was like I was singing in the shower all over again.

You see, I've written this book, and it's good. That's not my opinion, that's the opinion of others. I wrote the story because I felt it was important to tell. There is a valuable message to be told. And even as I was writing it, I felt God's hand in it. The book has a purpose. And here I am at risk of getting in the way of it, because if I lose focus of that, I might just let pride slide in, and the book won't be about glorifying God, or ministering to others, but it will be about me. God forbid.

Promoting the book is going to be a careful walk, because promoting me is sometimes a part of it. But there has to be a way to do that, and not let the pride slide happen. It's not going to be easy.

And in as humble a manner as I can muster, let me tell you, for more information about buying my book, you can go to www.dianadepriest.com
(And contrary to alleged rumors, I did not go on Facebook at all today, in any way, shape or form. This fast is very serious to me, and obedience isn't optional.)

Why Lent? Because something's gotta give.

I have been a follower of Christ for nearly 20 years, and never have I ever even really considered observing Lent, the forty day period that leads up to Easter Sunday. I've always considered it more of a "Catholic tradition," and it's never drawn more than a passing consideration from me. Honestly I didn't "get it," and the whole idea of the debauchery and craziness of "Fat Tuesday" (aka Mardi Gras) always put me off so much I just dismissed it.

This year, however, I am not only not dismissing it, but I am strongly considering deciding to participate. If you follow this blog at all, you are probably aware that this has been a difficult season for me, one of both transition and struggle, and I've been suffering a bit of what you could probably label a sort of identity crisis.

I have to be careful with that term though. Let me be clear, I know exactly who I am in Christ. I understand who God says I am, what He's done for me, and I have no doubt that that is the reality of who I am defined as as a person.... HOWEVER, there is a disconnect between my confident scriptural awareness and the struggle of sensing it as I walk out my Walk of Faith. There is a glitch there, and I need something, somehow, to work it out.

So what exactly is Lent? I've been searching and researching, and I found a website that I think defines best why I feel the need to participate this year. It says: "Today, Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent. The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead him to abandon his mission and calling. Christians today use this period of time for introspection, self examination, and repentance." (emphasis mine)

Something's gotta give in my life right now, and I honestly don't know what it is. I've been examining and evaluating and probably over thinking myself into spiritual and emotional exhaustion, and I feel so worn out. I do not see rebellious sin in my life, if anything I am trying with all I am to draw close and seek the Lord. Whether I am in a desert or a season of stretching or sifting, I do not know. I have been through all of these things before in my 20 years following Jesus, but the thing about them, is you often don't know for sure if that's where you were until you come out and look back on it from the other side. All of those seasons are a bit disorienting, and I feel disoriented.

The fasting in Lent is meant to be sacrificial. You give something up of value to you, as an offering. I am also looking to let go of something that is contributing to my disorientation. I don't drink, or smoke, and giving up chocolate doesn't feel like a solution to what draws me to seek God. I've been praying and I am pretty certain what God has called me to let go of for the 40 days while I seek Him, and it's really hitting me where I live. It's Facebook. I kept trying to make a "better offer," and even had some valid excuses why it wouldn't work, like the 100 Verse Challenge, but the deeper I look, the more certain I am.

The good news is that Sundays are apparently "festival days" during Lent, and you get to eat your chocolate or red meat or whatever you are fasting from, which means I could still check in on Facebook and keep the Challenge going as well as connect with my son's fundraising activities for his missions trip. Those were my only really good arguments about why I should not take a break from Facebook, and with this new information, it was assuaged. I can do both.

I'm not sharing this to be like "oh look at me, I'm fasting," because the fact is, I'm not impressed with myself at all, I am choosing to be obedient to what I believe God is whispering to my heart out of a desperation. The last thing I was certain the Lord was speaking to me was a simple instruction, "Listen to hear, before listening to speak." I think Facebook hinders me in that. Unlike my blog where I typically have to set aside time and contemplate before I post, on Facebook there is little filter, I am extremely communicative, and sometimes I only think to speak, or worse, don't think and speak, and listening, especially listening to the Lord gets lost by the wayside. So I really do feel like the Lord is asking this of me, and I really need to make the effort to walk it out. Because if I am right, and it is of Him, then there is excellent purpose in it.

Things that won't change, is my blogs will post to my page because they do it automatically, as well as do things I highlight from my reading on my Kindle, and anyone who wants to can reach me via email or by text if they want to. I won't be inaccessible, but I will be less distracted. I'll have to take Facebook off my phone and sign out on all the computers that automatically sign in, but it will be for good purpose, and in the process, hopefully there is a surrender that if this in fact a stretching season, I will be more malleable to the work of the Holy Spirit, or if a season of sifting, I will be strong enough to withstand the testing. And if a desert, perhaps I will be quiet enough to hear more clearly the direction God is calling me to, and my own complaints will be silenced if no one but God is listening.

That's my hope. So why Lent? Because something's gotta give, and it has to start with me giving more of myself to God. It starts a week from tomorrow, and my prayer is that by then I will have laid down all my angst and will be looking forward to the season leading up to the most precious of days, Easter Sunday when Jesus after dying for me, rose again so I could have victory in my life, and so I could know Him.

The Thing About Bitterness

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15

Heart Surgery

Submission, worship and prayer.

These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.

It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.

It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.

It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.

But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.

So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.

As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.

I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.

It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.

There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.

I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.

I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.

It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.

Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.

I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).

I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.

Was 2011 a Success?

I've been pondering 2011 a lot these last couple weeks. And as I sit down to write this blog, there are just under 37 hours left in the year.

Last New Year's Eve all five members of my family sat down and wrote out a letter to the Lord- a list of our hopes and prayers, of our goals for 2011. Tomorrow sometime we will open them and see if and how things were answered. I suppose in a way we could use it to evaluate whether or not we consider 2011 to have been a successful year.

Honestly, I have forgotten a lot of the things I wrote in my letter. I do remember three goals. I wanted to lose 75 lbs, the term "epic failure" doesn't begin to express how bad I dropped the ball on that one. Another goal was to journal to the Lord every day. I didn't make it. I started out strong, but it didn't last, but I did fill two journals full of prayers and conversations, and am into my third. It's not a failure, it's just not the success I was hoping for. My third goal was to read through my entire Bible this year. I'm very excited about the fact that that goal will be accomplished by tomorrow evening. I've never done it before, but this year I will have (in Jesus' name.) One thing I didn't dare to hope I also accomplished, I wrote my first book in 2011. It's not much more than a stack of papers right now, but the potential for God's purpose is there. I know He was with me in the process.

Last New Year's Eve at a church service I was given a Bible verse, just as I was practically every year for almost two decades. It was Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. And I'm going to be honest, I wasn't thrilled, the only one I liked less was when I got Psalm 23:4 a few years before (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...) But as always, even with Psalm 23:4, I saw the Lord was in fact speaking into the year ahead.

My reaction was eyes rolling and a heavy sigh of "not again!" My family laughed that once again I got one of THOSE scriptures. I was focused on the afflictions when the Lord was all about the deliverance, but I just could not know. I tried to rebuke the verse, but it was just a couple weeks into the New Year when Victoria came home with a Bible card she'd earned at school. She was reading it to me from the back seat of the van on the way home. "And the Bible verse is Psalm 34:19, Mommy, do you know it?" she asked. I told her I did, and I asked her if I could keep the card.

My prayer for the year of 2011 was a prayer for "jubilee." I was praying for freedom from financial debt, but the Lord answered it in His own way- truly a better way, that I could not have foreseen. I'll keep praying for freedom from financial debt, but I am grateful for better kinds of freedom, like freedom to hope again.

I lost my voice over the Christmas season this year. Funny thing about induced silence, it makes you a better listener. I was disappointed not to be able to sing Christmas carols with my church family. As I stood silently though, the Lord reminded me how often I get distracted by the sound of my own voice. I lose its purpose, giving honor to the Lord, when I become too consumed with how I sound. It's not just true in signing in church, it's true in life. I need to beware of becoming so consumed with "appearances" that I lose track of what the heart is supposed to be behind them. God was able to move my heart when I couldn't move my lips. It's a fact I am continuing to ponder.

This picture represents the best parts of 2011 for me (not counting people.)



My mom bought me the "Unlocking the Bible" series and my Kindle for Christmas 2010. I used the reading plan in the back of "Unlocking" and read through the books as they corresponded and it was life changing. My Kindle became a constant companion, and as a formerly avid reader, the e-reader re-Kindle-d my passion. I read probably two dozen books (after the prior year of not finishing two) and two of them I would consider life-changing: Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chloe and A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards (read that one in just the last two days.)

The 100 Verse Challenge was birthed our of the 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart, we started it in September and I've memorized 30 verses already - awesome. I had the privilege of facilitating not one, but two bible studies this year. Who could foresee the irony of "Becoming a Woman of Freedom"? And the transtion represented in "Duty of Delight" has been an ongoing theme this year for me. The women I shared these studies with have established themselves firmly in my heart.

My journals represent a year of finally fully striving after the right thing in my life, a closer walk with the Lord. My new church, and particularly the "Hole in the Gospel" series we went through has has an impact on my life I could never have foreseen. And my Max Lucado Bible has been a gift, and my best companion in 2011.

This New Year's Eve I won't be pulling a card with a scripture like I have all these years before. So I asked the Lord to show me what the scripture was for me to hold to. After I asked I opeened my Bible to check out what reading was coming up in my plan, and the book of Habakkuk stood out to me. The next morning at church my pastor shared a verse from it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
Habakkuk 2:3

When I asked the Lord for my scripture, I prayed He would help me be sure. I have been asking Him questions of "when?" and "how long?" all throughout this year. Some He has answered, some I stillwait and wonder. When my pastor read this verse the next morning, he read it, and he said, emphatically, "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it..." I knew the Lord was helping me be sure. And just to confirm it, a mom at Victoria's birthday party brought it up again later that day. I feel confident this is the verse I am to hold to in 2012.

I am waiting with hope and expectation, confident not in the answer, but in the One who answers. Because I have learned in 2011, even if it isn't the answer I might imgine, the Lord's way is alwas the best.

For the first time in a very long time, I can say with all honesty that I feel like I am in a very different place spiritually than I was a year ago. And in all honesty, that makes 2011 an absolute success. I look forward to what 2012 will bring.

Suffer an Awakening

We've been at our new church home for eleven Sundays now. Honestly, we couldn't be happier. All change has its challenges, but God has had His hand in our transitioning.

We've been slowly getting plugged in, meeting new people, making new friends. We've joined a home group, Jake has been attending youth group, Ethan and Victoria have started Awana. We took the membership class (and signed on the dotted line) and even participated in a couple of outreach fundraisers, and even attended a really fun concert with one of the pastors and several members of our church.

We haven't plugged in yet to serve, Neal's not playing drums yet, Jake hasn't stepped up to get involved with children's ministry, I haven't even found a place where I fee like I might belong, but all of us still feel a part. My younger kids have actually started serving, and I have been reminded about the Lord's encouragement that what they need as we're raising them is different than the things that were best for Jake.

It's starting to feel like home, and all of us feel really grateful to be there. But for the past few weeks, I have been feeling something else, something new, and painful.

As a church, we are currently going through a series based on the book "The Hole in the Gospel" written by World Vision CEO Richard Stearns. It's a powerful and thought provoking book that talks about where our "personal gospel" is missing the mark, and the way each of us as individuals is missing the heart of God, specifically in what the book of James calls "pure religion."

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
James 1:27
The pain I've been feeling, is the slow realization that my personal religion has not, at least for sometime, been either pure or undefiled. These last few Sundays as my family and I drive away from our church, I have sensed such a heavy pain and ache in my chest. It's almost as though I can feel the weight pulling my proverbial heart from my core.

It's a funny thing this ache though. As much as it hurts, it's a good thing. It reminds me of the way I have felt when my arm feels when I've laid on it wrong at night and I wake to a numbness in it. When I shift and move and the circulation is restored, it begins to tingle, and to ache. It's because where life has been held back, the blood begins to flow, and feeling is restored, but before it's "well" and feels healthy again, it has to suffer the discomfort of awakening.

I feel like my heart has been suffering an awakening. Where it has been asleep, and the blood of Christ has not been flowing, life is slowly returning. When the flow of blood is fully restored, so will its strength be.

I want my heart to feel the full flow of the blood of Christ, so that it may wash clean my "personal religion," and make it both pure and undefiled, but the process is painful. Even admitting that this pain is a reality is hard. It's not as though I was backslidden or in rebellion, I was just missing the mark. Which in reality is how sin is defined.

I have been challenged to pray for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, and I think this crushing pain I feel is exactly that. He is breaking my heart. But I am grateful for the pain, because it is a sign of life, renewed life, I pray.

Famine

"Go hungry, so children don't have to." That was the challenge brought before our church. Honestly I was excited to be a part of a body that was coming together in sacrifice and determination to meet an immediate need for starving children. I'd never received that kind of invitation before. Of course I have heard requests for fundraising, been solicited to donate or help out people in need, but this was different. This was the first time I felt like I was given an invitation to truly participate, and get a (very small)glimpse into their need.

Neal and I are World Vision sponsors. We sponsor two different children, a boy, Jose, who lives in the Dominican Republic, and a girl, Rahel Juju who lives in Tanzania. Each of them are the same ages as Ethan and Victoria respectively. We do help these children, our support makes their world different, and World Vision is an amazing organization. At our church our pastor is currently doing a series on the book "A Hole in Our Gospel," which is written by the president of World Vision, Richard Stearns. But the fact is, I don't even see my payment go to World Vision. It's an automatic payment that it withdrawn monthly from our bank account, it's just a part of our budget, and I don't even give it much more consideration than being aware of it when I balance our checking account. It by no means diminishes what the money does for those children, but I am realizing it has diminished what it does in my heart.

It was only for 24 hours. Eat an early dinner on Thursday night and a late dinner on Friday, and honestly it was only two meals we were asking to say "no" to. The goal was to take whatever money you would have spent on eating out or groceries and donate it to feed children in the Philippines instead.

I was excited because for the first time in 20 years Neal wanted to participate in a fast. I was so excited when I looked over in church a couple weeks ago and saw him check the box. The truth is, the things we've been hearing on Sunday mornings lately have been stirring both our hearts. We're coming to realize that maybe our faith hasn't been all it could be. Maybe in the "circle" of our lives, we were a little more center than either Christ or others, and that is, in essence, the HOLE in our gospel.

We decided to participate as a family. Giving up food isn't easy. Headaches, crankiness, but we were being asked to catch a glimpse, a tiny little glimpse of what millions experience daily. I couldn't have my 9 and 10 year old go to school without food. The reality is, I don't think the school would allow them to go the whole day without. I have on more than one occasion been charged for a $6 "emergency meal" because my kids forgot their lunches on the counter at home. So the children's breakfast and lunch were going to be rice and a little but of canned tuna. It was the closest I could come up with to be the equivalent of what the kids in feeding centers are finding to be a blessing and a bounty. I was hoping to create a little gratitude in the heart of my kids. As for their part in the challenge, the children's ministry was participating in a canned food drive for local families who are battling their own form of famine and need.

There were two things that really stuck with me about the day yesterday. The first was late Thursday night when I was preparing the bowls of rice for my kids. As I tried to find a balance of not giving them "too much" to diminish the insight for them, I thought about what it must be like for the mother finds herself wondering how to find enough. Here I was trying to figure out how not to give my kids too much. I can't imagine what it must be like trying figure out how to make something from nothing.

The second thing that really struck me was how hard it was to avoid food. Jacob came to work with Neal and I that day, and the thing I was most aware of was how much food there was to say no too. There was popcorn and chips to choose from on top of the refrigerator, a salad and yogurt inside of it. There was a box of Gingerbread Men in my desk drawer that I joked about them mocking me all day. It was hard to avoid food. I can't even begin to comprehend what it is to live in so much lack like the children we were trying to help.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit the revelation I was having. I'm not a cold-hearted or insensitive person. I DO care, that's why we are World Vision Sponsors, but my compassion lacked awareness. I'm excited to be a part of a place where I'm not allowed to be blinded to the needs of others any longer. There is pain in opening eyes to a light that it has been shaded from for many years, but it is better to see. Because only when we see can we make a difference. I feel like yesterday, my and my family's eyes were opened a little further to the truth of the needs of the world around us. I just pray I keep them open.

We when we gathered to break fast with communion last night, all of us were challenged to pray a prayer, "Break my heart, with what breaks Yours, Lord." I am praying that prayer now, and I hope it makes me a better tool in the hands of God to touch the world for Jesus. A small group of people raised enough money in a single day with a modicum of sacrifice to feed 185 children for a month! Why wouldn't we want to do that more?? We have the power to change the world, in Jesus' name!

The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern.
Proverbs 29:7


*** Want to help feed a starving child? Check out crosspointechurch.tv where you can click on "give" and designate to "Manna" or consider sponsoring a child at worldvision.org***

100 Verse Challenge - Week 1

Today is the day! We have finally arrived at the kickoff! We are going to spend the next year memorizing 100 verses in the Bible! Based on Robert J. Morgan's book "100 Verses Everybody Should Know by Heart." If you haven't joined the challenge, it's not too late. How can you go wrong? There is no failure in this endeavor, if you only learn 10% of the verses on the list, a "fail" on any test in the world, you will have a "win" because you will have learned 10 of God's scriptures and hidden them in your heart! Every verse you write on your heart is a treasure for your life! So it's worth the effort.

You can still head over to the event on Facebook and RSVP (click) to join, or you can just follow along here on the blog. Every Sunday evening (Lord, willing) at about 6 pm Pacific Time, I will post the scriptures we are working on for the coming week (between 1 and 3 verses, keeping corresponding verses together). I highly recommend the book, but you don't have to have it to participate. So what do you have to lose? Jump in!

The two verses for week one are the first two of what Mr. Morgan refers to as "The Fantastic Four." They are about "Beginnings," and truth be told, I suspect many of our participants will be relieved to find them very familiar, and possibly already written on your heart. If so, use them as a source of scripture meditation this week. Think upon the word of God.

Some of Mr. Morgans suggestions are to create a sing-song way of saying them, and to include the chapter and verse in your recitation. And say them out loud, A LOT! And write them down, for you visual learners, post it notes, EVERYWHERE!

My suggestion remains, involve others, learn them with your spouse, or your children, or both. Make it a competition, keep yourself accountable with a friend. Make it a goal, reward yourself when you learn every ten or so, make it fun, but as the saying goes, "JUST DO IT!" It will be AWESOME! So you've been waiting, are you ready? Here are your first two verses for week one:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. - Genesis 1:1

Mr. Morgan refers to this verse as the "bedrock of the Bible" and says it "encompasses the totality of Truth." This verse gives us "roots" - rooted in "the glory of God whose image we bear." And it gives us "routes" Morgan says, "If we are created in God's image, we have eternal potential."

Our second verse for week 1 is:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - John 1:1

This verse Morgan tells us "touches" on the "mysteries at the heart of Christianity, the Trinity and the person of Jesus Christ." He goes on to say, "John 1:1 speaks of our Christ's preexistence, In the beginning was the Word; it speaks of His coexistence: And the Word was with God; and it speaks of His divine existence: And the Word was God. We cannot fully grasp these mysteries, but this verse surely gives us a glimpse into them.

I highly recommend the book, "100 Verses Everybody Should Know by Heart," and you can purchase them for yourself from Robert J. Morgan's website (click to go) and you can also find several free downloads to help you on this journey at the bottom of the page. It is also available at Amazon.com. But whether you buy the book or not, you can participate for sure! So come on, join us on this journey and grow in your own Walk of Faith....

On your mark, get set, GO! Memorize!!!!

The Challenge

This is a duplicate of the post over on the Family Blog, DePriest Days. Both sites are co-sponsoring this Challenge.

“Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth.
Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I've been thinking about this passage of scripture A LOT lately. I just feel like when Jake was little, and our "only" child, we just did a much better job of instructing him in God's Word and His ways. Something about two kids in ten months rattled us and we never really fully recuperated. (There's lack in the manners instruction too for that matter.)

But, the Word of God seems far more pressing. And don't get me wrong, they aren't total heathens or anything, in fact Ethan blew me away recently as he gave me a passage of scripture to pass on to a friend and he nailed the perfect passage. And all the kids have always had Christian education, so scripture is a regular part of their lives not only at church and home, but at school too. And yet, there can never be too much.

So today I came across this book: "100 Bible Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart" by Rober J. Morgan, and I was inspired. I thought to myself, what a terrific challenge! I want to memorize the 100 verses. At first I thought how cool it would be to memorize 100 verses in 100 days, and then I thought about the fact that that was a completely crazy goal, especially the first time out. So I got my wits about me and thought about the fact that there are 52 weeks in a year, so the math was close enough and reasonable enough that we could do on average 2 a week and have the whole 100 verses memorized in a year.

I'll be honest, the year thing makes me want to start at the beginning of a month or even the beginning of a year, but tomorrow is too soon and January is too far, and for that matter so is October, so I decided to blow off the Type-A organized tendency, and I'm starting on the 11th of September. (That's the eve of the first full week of school for my clan.)

So, if you know me, you also know I am a big believer in "the more the merrier" concept, so why not invite all my Christian Facebook friends... and any of their Facebook friends. And then I thought to myself, why not introduce the idea to my bloggy world peeps as well. So here is your invitation. Click HERE if you belong to Facebook to head over and join the Challenge.

Think about it. You really can't go wrong even for trying. Let's say you only complete 10%. In a test in the real world that might be an utter failure, but in this case, you've learned TEN SCRIPTURES! WIN! 10X over! And if you manage the whole 100, what a beginning that could be to a lifetime habit of learning and memorizing the Word! And you can include your family like I plan to mine and you will bless and grow your kids in the process! AWESOME!!

So I hope you'll join us. Head over, sign up and get the rest of the details.

How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blessed are You, O LORD!
Teach me Your statutes.
Psalm 119:9-12

Cast Aside

The Bible describes our Christian life as a race. When I think about the reality of running an actual race, I am defeated from the thought process. I have not taken care of my body the way that I should. A year and a half ago when I felt in the best physical condition I had in a very long time, I remember surprising myself at Disneyland when I was able to run and do a decent job of keeping up with my kids. I was 30 lbs. lighter and conditioning my body daily. I probably couldn't have run a a marathon, but I could at least run a good solid sprint.

Today I have put the weight back on and I am suffering several injuries that are hindering me from even being able to get back on track. A pinched nerve in my back for months has developed into pain from the middle of of my back all the way up into the top of my neck. It's constant. An ankle injury that won't fully seem to heal still plagues me and favoring it has caused issues in both my knees and my hip. I couldn't run a physical race if I wanted to. If I tried I might just do even more harm.

Sometimes that sort of thing happens to us in the spiritual lives as well. An old injury plagues and hinders us in other capacities. A constant source of discomfort or pain comes upon us and the persistent hurt keeps us from even wanting to move, and completely saps us of any desire to actually aspire.

Physically I find myself at an impasse. I need to lose weight to be able to get moving to regain my strength. Without the ability to get moving and get exercise, the ability to lose weight is greatly hindered. Even if I change my eating habits, cut back, etc., I am likely to lose not only weight but the small amount of muscle mass I have. It is a defeating purpose. Yes, I can and should try to press through the pain toward some semblance of accomplishment, but there are limits, and lots of them.

Thankfully this isn't the case spiritually. There is an immediate solution to the burden of weight that hinders me. Unlike the months of effort and restraint that it would require to take off the weight, spiritually it is done with a single simple motion.

...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... Hebrews 12:1

Psalm 55:22 says it this way: Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you...

I remember on one of my many downward falls in physical weight, how I was teasing a pregnant friend. She would compliment me on my weight loss and I would thank her for being pregnant so there was a safe place for the weight to be found. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could just walk up to some skinny underweight girls and bump into her and provide for her lack with my abundance. I would be dancing down the halls of life hip bumping all sorts of skinny women and kids. But it's not like that physically. Yet spiritually, it is.

The Lord says, "give it to Me. I will not only take your weight, but I will give you My strength." What a great deal! He'll willing take my weight, my heaviness and my injuries as well, and bring strength and wholeness where there is infirmity... if I will let Him.

Reality is, I know this task is not as simple to walk out as I have made it sound. Too often in stubbornness or perhaps ignorance, we hold onto our burdens and our hurts and we in a total lack of faith don't even try to give them up. We are comfortable with the familiar, or frightened by the unknown, worst case scenario, sometimes we even define ourselves with our injuries and weights.

"I'm the woman with fibromyalgia of the spirit," if you will. Instead of being a person fighting an affliction, the risk is becoming a person defined by it.

I find myself at a crossroads. Physically I am concerned with becoming the woman with back problems with a long list of "can't do's," but even more, spiritually speaking, I am concerned with becoming a person defined by her hurts and her heaviness. Depression looms and discouragement sits on the sidelines of my life calling out. The easy thing to do would be to decide to define myself by those things, but something deep inside continues to resist.

There is a Truth that reigns inside me that says, "CAST!" Cast your burdens, your cares, your hurts, your fears! Jesus says, "Cast them on Me! I came so you would, I died so you could." And the beautiful thing is that when we do, we can finally be defined by the only Truth that should define us. And instead of hindrances, all these weights and burdens we carry become tools to be used in the process of becoming who we were always meant to be.

There is no wisdom wallowing in the hard stuff and the hurts, but there is nothing more wise than being obedient to the One who not only designed this whole "race" but designed the runner as well. I have no illusion that the application is simple, but I have full confidence that the process is, because God says it is. I CAN cast these things that weigh me down heavily upon Him, if I want to. I just have to want to badly enough. I have to want to run.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

Becoming Free (Part 1) - Knots

The last two weeks of our Bible study Becoming a Woman of Freedom, the study has really lived up to its word. I have felt myself moving into freedom in some really challenging areas in my life.

The last two weeks of study have been about Forgiveness and laying aside bitterness, and then Rest, laying aside busyness.

As I spent the week studying about forgiveness and and preparing for our meeting to discuss the chapter, God and I did a lot of talking about forgiveness and bitterness, and anger too. By the time the day came for our meeting, God had given me several word pictures to share with the ladies about what the Lord was speaking to me about.

I spent the week talking to the Lord about offenses. We've all experienced them, from both sides even. We have all been offended and we have all been offenders.

I spent several evenings that week with a ball full of yarn. Each night I slowly unwound the yarn, tying knots in it, one after another. By the end of the week I had pulled out about a third of the of the yarn and had it tangled and tied into a mess of knots. As I held it in my hands, I realized there really was no way to untangle it. Truth be told, knots were on top of knots and you couldn't even separate one from another. Each knot was so tight and some of them were so close together, there was just no way to rectify the problem.

By Monday afternoon, a few hours before our meeting, the Lord had spoken volumes to me about this ball of yarn. He showed me several things:

(1) The knots in the yarn represented offenses. Sometimes one offense leads to another. Offended people are easily offended.

(2) The tangle represented the bitterness. The knots took on a life of their own, and bitterness allowed them to get so twisted up, the yarn had become useless.

(3) He showed me that sometimes you have to just make a clean break and and try to salvage what remains.

He also showed me where this hands on example applied to a real situation in my own life.

I had someone special to me who I felt betrayed and abandoned by. I was hurt, I was offended. And what did start as one offense, him not being a good steward of friendship, my reaction to it caused that one offense to become the cause of several more, because a perceived offense is in fact an offense, because it is defined by the one who is offended. But like I said, offended people are easily offended.

As my bitterness developed, Something happened. I allowed myself to go from being the offended to the offender. Although I didn't start the damage to the friendship, I completely exacerbated it. Little knots that could possibly have become easily undone became a knotted mess because I was angry and eventually bitter. I became a knotted mess, our relationship became damaged and tangled, useless.

This revelation led to a phone exchange with my friend. I apologized for being so angry for so long. And his response was relief. I asked for forgiveness for my bitterness and what I received was grace. My friend seemed genuinely happy to hear from me, ready to forgive me, and willing to make a fresh start.

Truthfully, the relationship won't ever be what it was. When the "yarn" is cut, and all the knots are removed, the ball that remains isn't what it once was. There is a loss, however, there is also a restored potential for what remains of the yarn to become. Restoration begins, hope is renewed, and life can move forward with healthy potential.

When I "cut the yarn" on the phone that afternoon I told my friend he didn't have to be uncomfortable around me anymore. I confessed the sin of my bitterness both to him and to God. I really was willing to lay the knots aside- both the ones I tied and the ones he tied. I was willing to dispose of them, and let there be potential for new life and purpose for the rest of the "yarn". Even if nothing new is "knit" together, at least what remains is in good condition.

My husband had built a cross for our meeting that night. As I shared, I laid the knots down at the foot of the cross to show the other ladies at Bible study what God had spoken to me. One of the ladies said jokingly, "Don't pick it back up!" but she was right. Even after I had the conversation with my friend I felt the temptation to mull over the offenses again. When it crossed my mind I told the Lord, "Yes Lord, I know, I cut it off, and it's at your cross."

I may have to remind myself of that again a few times, but it will be worth it. Because now what remains can be knit together into something good and God might just get glory in it.

Reigning in the "ten-year-old"

Sat down with a couple of dear ladies for dinner last night. IF I said they were my "friends" that would be accurate, but not sufficient to describe them.

Truth be told, my time with them has been limited, and I truly don't know a lot about them, though I learned a little more last night, but there is a bond and a connection that knits our hearts together. The Lord has put me on their hearts, and they are reaching out to invest in me, because they see something worth laying hold of. They believe in me, and have confidence in me. They are too dear sweet women who I feel like my name is safe on their lips. That's what I told them last night as we left the restaurant.

For me to feel that way about someone is somewhat rare, and sadly it seems to become more rare all the time. They aren't the only people I feel that way about, by any means, but the list is still short. And because the Lord seems to have gifted me with these two women, these "mothers of the faith," it is particularly dear to me that God has placed them in my life. When I am with them, I feel unconditional love and acceptance. What a rare gift that is.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go last night. I was very close to cancelling just because I am so worn out. My body is not my friend. I have been in chronic pain long enough now, that I have finally lost count of just how long. Even as I sit here and type now, the pain in my neck and shoulders is throbbing. My emotions likewise have taken a beating. I am hurt and raw. The pain of it seems ongoing, and rising up in new places all the time. Even as I sat with the ladies and we talked, new arrows pierced my heart, not from them, but through our conversation.

These women because they love me, and although they support me, and even truly like me, I think, are far from simple cheerleaders. They are willing to, dare I say, determined to speak truth into my life, even hard truth. They do it lovingly, but they don't hold back. And I have to say, it is far easier to receive from someone who you feel your name is safe with than it is with anyone where there is even a hint of distrust.

These mothers of the faith, fast becoming like spiritual moms to me, know and see that there are hard things I am called to do. Things that bring about the emotional pain and personal hurts. Hard things that are hard when you feel good, but feel almost burdensome when your body is not your friend. But because they love me, they wouldn't accept my excuses.

They held my hand and spoke words of life as I sat there crying in the corner booth, but they didn't relent from speaking the truth. They didn't let the compassion they felt for me overwhelm the truth they believe for me. And every time I said "It's too hard," they countered with "But in Christ you can." I've spoken those words to others myself, and I have to say, they are hard to hear but necessary just the same.

"Take your thoughts captive," they instructed. "Speak words of life," they said. It's true, every time I say it's hard, it really gets a little harder.

Finally the Lord gave me the word picture that I understood. When my kids were littler, and I was chasing after the three, ages, 2, 3 and 10, it was easy for life to get consumed by the 2 and 3 year old who were needy and insistent and demanded their wants NOW! It made it harder to keep track of the ten-year-old who took advantage of my distraction and would wander off on his own way. He'd wander off and get himself into trouble, the more distracted I was, the further he went.

My emotions and my body are like the 2 and 3 year old, screaming out, throwing their tantrums, demanding all my attention NOW! And while it is easy to become consumed with how I am feeling both emotionally and physically, my mind, the 10 year old is off and wandering in the wrong direction. The one who KNOWS better is willingly going astray. And the further it wanders, the harder it is to bring it back, and the more havoc wreaked in the mean time.

When the kids were little and that happened, it meant putting the young ones somewhere safe, but a place that required less focus, down for a nap, in a time out, in a playpen to pay- their needs no less important, their demands no less intent, but the priority they were given was lessened, and the focus was brought back to the 10 year old, to bring him back under his proper training. To remind him of what he already knew and raise both the expectation and the focus to it being accomplished.

My body and emotions are what they are. I can't mature or heal them instantly out of the place they'r ein, but I can put them aside safely and get my mind back to focusing on the place that the battle is truly to be won, over my mind and thoughts.

These two women gently yet firmly reminded me, I know the Truth. I am to live by the Truth, and my focus needs to be on the Truth. It's time to reign in the big "kid" and get him back on track.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
II Corinthians 10:3-6

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32

The Mess of Forgiveness

It's been a week since I last posted. It's been a week of highs and lows, a little like an emotional roller coaster.

This week someone I love very much finally arrived at the happiest day of her life, and it was a joy to be there to witness it and be a part. It was the high point of the week, and the thread of it was something to look forward to all week long.

But my body is constantly working against me it seems. My ankle is still sore and weak. I'm sure I haven't helped matters by wearing flip flops and walking bare foot without it being wrapped, but it's summer and well, I'm a tad bit stubborn at times. In addition the pinched nerve in my back that I have been managing (or failing to manage) for the last two months has been relentless, and now I am struggling with pain in the right side of my neck as well and my left knee is sore from walking awkwardly on my bad ankle. Last night I felt a shooting pain through my lower back that felt like something was going to slip or go out, but so far, it's just a twinge here and there. But I am getting really worn down from all the aches and pains.

Pain does that to you, it wears you down. Not just physically, but emotionally too. And for almost as long as I have been nursing the physical pains, I have been nursing some emotional ones as well.

I was told recently, in essence, that I am (1) not teachable, and (2) not reachable. If not "not reachable," then I have certainly been told I am not worth the effort. The people who have spoken that to me, one in actual words, the other in specific actions- or rather inaction, have wounded my heart, and have felt justified in doing so. It's actually a bit of a pattern in that specific area of my life, and it has been a source of great frustration to me. Frustration is like my sore knee, it's not the actual source of the injury, but it is a byproduct that has resulted from it.

This week in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, we have been learning about forgiveness. The title of the chapter has been "Running with Forgiveness: Laying Aside Bitterness." The running metaphor has not been lost on me since my physical injuries have prevented me from a lot of physical activities these past few weeks, likewise, spiritual injuries can hinder us from "running" our spiritual race.

The theme verse from our Bible study, and week one's memory verse was Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...

The metaphor of the physical process is simple, whatever slows you down, you throw aside. If a rope wraps itself around you, you unwind or you cut and you move on. If a rock is placed in your arms, you toss it aside, you drop off a backpack, you tie the untied shoelace. Simple.

Spiritually speaking, the reality of laying things aside is not so simple. Those things that entangle us are not seen by the naked eye. Sometimes we think we have snipped off the snare only to find it was longer and more deeply wound than we even realized.

The Lord has been speaking a lot to me about forgiveness this week. It isn't a simple recipe to be followed the same for every offense. So many factors play into it: the offense, the offender, your own emotions, your history; all play a part. Some offenses are easy to overlook, others are not so. Sometimes it's a single offense, sometimes it's a long list of offenses. Sometimes the offender acknowledges the offense, other times they justify it, and sometimes they don't even acknowledge the offense at all.

The problem with an offense is that it becomes such because of the way it makes the offended person feel. Intentions mean nothing when a person walks away wounded. "I didn't mean it that way," or "You took it wrong," means nothing to the person who is nursing the hurt. Usually that exact response adds to the pain.

But God doesn't put conditions on His command to forgive. The truth is, forgiveness, in our case, is for our own good as much as it is for the good of the the one who has offended us. We are called to forgive because we are forgiven. The command is simple, the process is not. But it's difficulty isn't an excuse not to pursue the obedience to it.

I'll be honest, I'm not there, but I'm also struggling with the difference between bitter vs. angry. Sometimes when people hurt us, whether with their action or their inaction, with their words or their lack of words our anger is justified at the offense. And the Bible says, "BE angry... yet do not sin," so the reaction to the offense CAN actually be justified, but we have to guard our hearts from the crossing over from anger to bitterness. And I think the only sure way to do that is to get on to the business, messy as it is, to forgiving as quickly as possible. However, complicated that process may be.

Splinters - Retreat part 1

Retreat was good.

Even going with the best of attitudes and the most purposeful expectation, there are certain things for me that rise closer to the surface than any other time at retreat, this trip was no exception. But I didn't go unprepared and I was in battle mode, ready to take up the fight required to bring captive my thoughts to the obedience to Christ.

The fellowship I had with the girlfriends in my cabin could not have been better. There were seven of us, six who came with the intention of spending time together and the seventh who was God bringing us perfectly to the number of "completion." Everyone got along and enjoyed each other so much. We had lots of laughs playing games and sharing meals together and it was an awesome time.

Saturday was a particularly battle filled day for me. I took some time to wander off alone in nature to seek the Lord but He was very quiet. While I was out I got a several splinters in my hand. I tried to pull them out, and was able to remove all but two. The two were deep. As I came back into "civilization" with my friends I was doing my best to pick them out.

I took note that when I didn't pick at the two splinters, they were uncomfortable, but they didn't hurt. It was only when I tried to pull them out, without the proper tools mind you, that it really hurt. The irony of the comparison to the thoughts and hurts I was battling wasn't lost on me. That's the thing about heading up to retreat, the "discomfort" of my issues develops into full fledged pain because of the picking that it brings.

I eventually went to my cabin and grabbed a safety pin, a "proper tool," to remove the splinter, quite literally, the thorn in my flesh. As I came back and sat at a table where my friends were playing cards, I began the work of removing my thorns. The first one came out relatively easily, but the second one had sunk deep and required some serious digging. I got it out, but it left it's mark. It hurt a little even after the splinter was out, but it was the kind of hurt that I knew would heal.

Unfortunately, thorns in the spirit aren't always as easy to pull out. And over the course of the weekend, one of my friends and I talked about the fact that sometimes, God chooses not to remove the spiritual thorns in our flesh. Instead He speaks straight to our hearts and says, "My grace is sufficient."

That was kind of how I felt this weekend about my spiritual splinters. I think the Lord did a little digging and actually removed one or two that I didn't even bring to Him. I wasn't unaware of them, but they weren't painful, so I was satisfied to leave them there. But now that He removed them, I am glad, I realize it's so much better.

But there is another deeper thorn that I feel like the Lord said, "My grace is sufficient." Interestingly enough, that brings a whole different kind of healing.

When I came home from retreat, my nightly devotional made this statement: "Focus on God's Presence in your present." (paraphrased) It was a profound statement for me. So much of my "splinter" issue comes from looking in the past and from focusing on the future, instead of being where I am and focusing on Him, remembering His grace is indeed sufficient.

What I have taken from this admonition from my devotional, and all the things the Lord has been speaking in the weeks that led up to it is this:

"Dwell, delight, depend."

The Lord is in my now and He is with me and for me in it. He has left my past and has asked me to hand it over to Him as well, not to keep carrying it around. My future is in His plans, He will be there, but He's not there yet and I should never try to run ahead of Him. I need to be here in His presence now, abiding in Him and enjoying Him, and relying on Him, in confidence and trust.

Duct tape, multivitamins and eating with your mouth open

I've shared before that I am doing my best to stick to a reading plan to read my bible through from beginning to end this year. So far so good, I have stuck to it and yet to (by the grace of God) fall behind.

I think I also shared that I really like the plan I'm using. My mom bought me the "Unlocking the Bible" series. It doesn't feel cumbersome to me, and I like the way it breaks things up. It literally includes just a verse or two from Proverbs each day, a Psalm or part of a Psalm each day, never more than a chapter of the New Testament (I read all those in the morning) and somewhere between one and three chapters of the Old Testament that I read at night. I really enjoy it, I read the Bible first thing in the morning before I even step out of bed, and it's one of the last things I do when I settle down for the night.

I've already made it through the challenging books of Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy! Those are the places in the past where I have found myself easily stumbled by the very detailed dissertation on the law. But the way it was broken up in this reading plan, I really found myself enjoying it. I tend to be looking at the clock at night anticipating when it's time to go in and read the Word.

I have always been one to remind others of their need to be in the Word, I'm happy to finally be taking my own advice. I really do love the Word, and spending this time consistently in it helps me remember that. This morning I was reminding my kids, and encouraging my younger two that they (at 9 and 10) need to start developing the habit of reading their bibles daily. The Word of God is living and active and has the power to change us and transform our lives.

One thing I am doing this year that I have never done consistently before is not just reading the Word, but reading the Word out loud. There is power in God's Word, and God's spoken Word is powerful too. When God created the heavens and the earth, He spoke them into existence. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, He called them forth by His voice. He healed the sick, rebuked the demons, opened the eyes of the blind, even push backed Satan Himself with the spoken Word. Why wouldn't I want to exercise the power of God's word in the same manner.

The Bible also says, So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. (Romans 10:17) and I believe that is true. And when you read it and hear it out loud at the same time, I believe it's like securing it down even further into your heart and mind. Consider it a form of spiritual duct tape, if you will. It's like bathing yourself in the Word, inside and out, and I believe it can make a powerful impact.

Speaking the Word of God builds up your faith and your spiritual fortitude. It is wise to pray it out loud and to praise it out loud. Even in just a practical sense, it strengthens the learning process, it applies both the visual (reading) and auditory (hearing) learning styles, and I believe it goes deeper into our minds and hearts.

Now I wish I could say that every time I open my bible I had some palpable, supernatural, hyper-spiritual experience, but the truth is, I don't. It's not as though I never do, but it is not the norm. But I know (and believe) the truth of the power of God's Word and the importance of taking it in. The effects are not always immediately felt and seen, but I consider it a spiritual multivitamin. Just as your body benefits from taking a vitamin everyday, your spirit is strengthened by taking in the Word daily.

So I encourage you, be building up your spirit. You wouldn't eat 2 meals a week, once on Sunday and Wednesday night, and likewise you shouldn't feed your spirit only on such rare occasions. An emaciated spirit is a bad idea. You also would never allow someone else to feed you as you grow. And likewise, we shouldn't just go in places where pastors and teachers are spoon feeding us, we have the buffet of goodness at our demand, and we ought to indulge continually. Unlike a thick waistline, a fat spirit is good for us all.

So, go, dig in, and eat with your mouth open!

Who's your Daddy?

I've started a new blog. It's specific to my battle with weight loss and I have titled it, "The Fight to Lose." Weight loss has been a long battle for me. Not a forever battle, but long enough at this point I have probably fought the issue long than I didn't. And what I have come to realize is, that for me, the battle is far more spiritual than just physical. My struggle with food comes from deep within. When I think of it, I am reminded of Paul talking about his own battles with his "flesh" in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. That's me and my fight with food

There all kinds of roots I recognize: bad habits, learned behaviors, emotional issues. In the end though, the root is simple. It's an issue of sin.

I started the blog for two reasons, (1) accountability, and (2) inspiration. They're actually very tied together. If I know someone else is watching me, I will think twice before I fudge because I don't want to cause anyone else to stumble. I know as a believer I'm called to live life openly before both God and man. And I always hold out hope that if by God's grace I am able to walk in some level of victory, then maybe I will help someone else hold on to Him and find the same.

In the end, anything good in my life comes down to my ability to hold on to the Lord. ."Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17

A big part of holding on to Him for me this year is about writing in a prayer journal. As last year closed and I prayed about what my goals for the new year should be, I chose to read my bible through in a year and journal to the Lord ever day. Obviously I have a passion for writing, and I know it is a gift the Lord has given me, but even though I have continued to write for His glory, I haven't really written for Him. So every day I have been writing for Him and to Him in my prayer journal.

The other night as I wrote I talked to him about this new blog. I wanted to share a little bit of the conversation that developed there.

From my journal:

Do, do, do - What is the revelation You gave me? It isn't all about the "do." Help me, Lord.

"If you continue to obey My teaching You are truly My followers. Then you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." John 8:31-32

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be truly free." (from sin.) John 8:36

Who's your Daddy?

If you belong to the Father, you would love Jesus and accept His teaching.

If you belong to the father (Satan, the father of lies) you do what he wants, murderous and against the truth, a liar, buying into his lies.

Lies: that food is a viable alternative to God's comfort, that my body is my own, lies that what I do with food doesn't matter.

So, what is Your teaching? What specifically do I need to obey? Where have I been buying into a lie? Help me to see these things, to call out the lies and it's attached temptation and respond to it with truth. Just like Jesus did when Satan tempted him in the wilderness. To respond in truth I must know truth ad to know truth I must be in the Word and continue in it and obey it."

For me the conversation leading to the revelation was specific to my battles with food, but it is universal to the battle of temptation and sin. The bottom line is, to overcome it we must be walking in obedience to God's word, and the only way to know it is to read it regularly, and with faith.

What are you battling today? What temptation is trying overcome you? The answer to your struggle is in God's Word.

How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
Psalm 119:9

The thing about unpacking

My oldest son came home from winter camp a week ago Monday. After getting snowed in for an extra day, I picked him up at the church tired and hungry. When we got home, he didn't even bring his suitcase in the house. At my directive, he dropped it in the garage near the washing machine. Nine days later, it's still sitting there. It looks like perhaps he has been to it, maybe rooted for a single necessary item, but he has not unpacked by any stretch of the imagination, and he certainly hasn't done in anything significant to deal with the items inside the suitcase.

Oddly enough, instead of wanting to wring Jake's neck, I am able to appreciate the irony on the unpacked suitcase I keep passing every time I head to the laundry. As I shared in my last post, as I was leaving church on Sunday, the Lord spoke to me about some unpacking of my own that I need to do.

My bag is a backpack though, and it's one the the Lord gave me revelation about as I was walking out of church. Unlike the traditional parable of the backpack of sin, the Lord was speaking to me about different baggage I have been carrying, a bag full of offense. This particular backpack is between me and one person in my life, who for a very long time I have felt wounded and offended by. And I have come to the point that I have realized, I just can't carry this weight around with me anymore.

I have tried many times over the years to lay the backpack down. I have heaved it off my shoulder and said to the Lord, "here you go, it's all yours" and tried to walk away. But what I have come to realize, is that the backpack is mine to keep, but the weights that are inside are what need to be removed, and the only way to do it is by pulling them out and laying them down, one stone at a time.

I don't know what it is about these "rocks," maybe they're more aptly referred to as coals, because even when I take them out and look at them, they still burn. It's like it brings the wound right back to the surface. But the Lord has asked me to unpack them, and trusting in his patience, I have asked Him if we could do it slowly. That way, when I lay down the stone, I can really leave it behind. Once I leave it at His feet, the deal is, I can never even mention it again.

So the Lord and I sat down together and I pulled open my sack. There on the top was a large offense, once I have been carrying for a long time. I looked at it and said, "It's not fair, if I give you that one, they're getting away with something that is really wrong." And I pushed it down deeper in the bag. I rooted around and found a different stone, it was littler, and if I looked deep enough, I knew there was another one very similar to it. This wound had been a "repeat offense." So I handed it to Him. "There," I said, "I won't ever bring that one up again. And then I closed my pack.

I sat there holding on to my pack, and I could feel the Lord watching me. And He asked me, "Do you know what I require of you?" The verse played immediately in my mind, it was fresh.

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

"Yes Lord," I said, "I know, You told me this before."

I am loving justice, and in that decision, I am not walking humbly before Him. Maybe I'm not even really walking at all, at best I am lumbering behind Him, at worst, I am completely stuck right where I'm at.

But I wasn't ready to move further. One rock at a time was what I had agreed to, and I had given Him the only rock I was willing to let go of.

Later that day, there was a new rock. "See!" I said, "How am I EVER supposed to unpack this when every time I give you something, they give me another rock to replace it?"

This rock wasn't really mine though, it had been handed to my husband. If I am honest, a lot of the rocks I am carrying may have been put in there from his hand to mine. As I looked at this one though, the Lord asked, "Are you sure that's an offense?"

It's offensive, but it's not really an offense against me. Truth be told, it's probably not even an offense against Neal. The Lord said, "You've become quite the collector of those rocks. You have come to the point that you wouldn't miss one that even resembles the real thing. And the problem is, you have been pointing them out to others too. Neal might have just walked past this one, but he's been listening to you for a long time." And it isn't just Neal.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Offended people are easily offended." And some of us even like to spread the wealth.

I flipped open my bag, "But look Lord, some of these rocks, they're are legitimately wrong, personal and offensive." He just looked, and nodded.

And I moved them around inside the bag, "And look at all these, these little ones, all the times I have confronted the issue, or tried only to be belittled based on their power and position. I've been put in my place. And do You see the justifications???" And I flipped the top back closed.

Monday morning at our house ensued with a slight panic. My daughter couldn't find her glasses. Using them only for distance, she doesn't wear them all the time, for the most part they are in her backpack or in her desk at school. When she couldn't find them, she panicked with accusation about the carelessness of her brother. I grabbed her backpack and started to rustle through it.

Every day I write notes on the bottoms of my kids' sack lunches, and Victoria, my future hoarder and sentimental child doesn't throw them away. Sweet sentiment, but as I rooted through, I found one of the bags had exploded with a cup of yogurt that should have been thrown away. It's been a good couple of weeks since I even had yogurt in the house, so clearly, this was not a good sign. I had to get a trash bag and towels and had to throw away all the notes and bags, including the one with the week old banana.

The word picture wasn't lost on me. That's the thing about these old offenses in my bag too, they're messy and rotten, and if you get close enough, the stench of them will stick on you. I know down deep inside of this backpack of mine, some of these offenses have exploded into an even bigger mess than they started, and the only one dealing with the mess and the stink of it, is me.

I am still holding the bag. "It isn't fair," I keep repeating. "I want justice!" Because the truth is, I love justice, or my interpretation of it anyway.

"But I want you to love mercy," the Lord says, "and to do justly."

Oh how hard it is to know that what is hindering you is the very thing you are holding on to. I know I have to unpack. The backpack has a purpose, and I believe if I empty it out of the things I put in there that I shouldn't have, the Lord has better things for me to carry.

But it's hard. But I am determined. I do not care for the kink in my walk that this undo weight has created. As much as I would like to throw the stones back to where they came from, the only thing that will create is pain in new places, like a sore pitching arm.

There is only one place to lay down the weights, and it's at the foot of His cross. A place I am familiar with, a place where mercy flows. I know, because buried there are my own offenses, offenses not only against others, but most especially, against God, Himself. I love that mercy, but that mercy doesn't exist by itself, I can not hog it to myself. If it is good for me, it has to be good for those who have hurt me, even the one who has hurt me repeatedly. Because if it's no good for them, then it's no good for me either.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their trespasses,
neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15

Sigh. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. But I am more concerned with not being able to walk out the consequences if I don't. For now I am sitting here, at the foot of the cross, me and my backpack. It may take a while, but I'm not moving from this place until I finally get it unpacked, once and for all.

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:37-38

As much as my bent is to love justice, I love the Lord more, and I am determined to do things His way, doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly before Him, in Jesus name.



Tweet