Heart Surgery

Submission, worship and prayer.

These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.

It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.

It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.

It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.

But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.

So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.

As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.

I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.

It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.

There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.

I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.

I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.

It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.

Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.

I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).

I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.

100 Verses Week 17

Happy New Year!

One of the best parts of 2011 for me was starting the 100 Verse Challenge, and I'm excited to continue it here in 2012. Welcome to those of you who are continuing with me, and welcome to those of you who are just going to begin. Hiding the Word of God in our hearts is one of the most important things we can do as Christ followers. There is no better way to "follow Christ" than to know which way He is going, and being in the Word (remember from one our first verses Jesus is the Word) is our best bet.

Last week during our worship service, I could hear the Lord speaking quietly to my spirit about my need to grow in the area of worship. When it comes to Sunday morning worship, attention is a battle for me. I am easily distracted, and I struggle to focus on the Lord. My own voice and "how I sound" is often one of the worst culprits of distraction. I am chewing on the reality that it probably stretches beyond my singing where my own voice often stumbles me. I'm heading into 2012 with a heart to grow in the area of worship.

So I am excited that this week's memory verse is about... (drumroll please)... worship!

I heard a teaching once about worship where the speaker shared that worship is the one thing we do n this life that we will continue in eternity. There won't be prayer, there won't be witnessing, there won't be reading the Word (in their supposition) but there will be worship, and lots of it. In eternity, worship will absolutely be a lifestyle.

In his commentary about this week's verse, Robert J.Morgan, shares the following in our text 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart about worship and this week's verse:

"Worship is the gyroscope of the soul. A person without personal patterns of worship is like a ship or an airplane without any stabilization or direction. When we worship, we our aligning our minds to God's truth, our imaginations to God's glory, our emotions to God's stability, and our souls to God's songs. When we worship, we are approaching a glorious throne, joining an eternal chorus, praising a triune God, and glorifying a worthy Lord..."

Morgan highly recommends the extended text of Revelation 4 & 5 as the "primary text" on the subject of worship. This week we will be meditating and memorizing the one verse from the passage. Morgan recommends as you do so, think of it as a "summary of the whole scene around the throne" of God.

Here's this week's verse:

Our Lord and God, You are worthy to receive glory and honor and power, because You have created all things, and because of Your will they exist and were created.
Revelation 4:11

Heavy

My heart is so heavy.

I don't even know how to write. And if you know me, you know that makes the burden so much heavier.

So many of the burdens aren't really mine, but it doesn't change the fact that they are weighing on my heart. Every where I turn, it seems I see something of concern.

Sin, injustice, woundedness, brokenness, foolishness... the list is long.

I wish there was a phone booth and a cape with my name on it. I wish I could swoop down in and rescue the hurting, wake up the foolish, and make an impact on the world around me.

But alas, I have no cape. And I don't supposed I could find a phone booth if my life depended on it. And I don't have the super powers to back up any of it.

My heart aches.

I think back to a prophesy that was spoken over me about a year ago. Part of it said, "Burdens have been placed over you, but what is heavy TO you, will not be heavy ON you."

Right now, it all feels heavy ON me.

Other people's secrets.

Other people's sins.

Other people's offenses.

Other people's hurt.

Other people's fear.

Other people's anger.

Other people's problems.

I am NOT an intercessor. But I am doing my best to take the weights I feel and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I'm doing my best not to let righteous indignation rule.

I'm doing my best to remember we are ALL sinners saved by grace.

And I'm doing my best to hold up under the weight of silence.

God sees what I don't see. He knows what I don't know. He has the strength to not only lift, but to carry the weight that feels so very heavy on my heart.

Heavy

I feel so heavy laden,
Father help me let go;
Of things I don't understand,
Things I cannot know.

Remind my of Your Truth,
Help me trust again;
Remembering Your love,
Remembering my Friend.

I'm growing so tired,
Father lift the weight;
Be the Lord of all,
Set my focus straight.

Taking on so much,
No burden is mine to bear;
You're willing to take it all,
Just because You care.

And not just for me,
But for all those that I love;
So take over all the burdens,
Work them out from up above.

And help me find the rest,
That only in You is found;
And I can feel light,
Not anchored to the ground.

You bid me "Come,"
And so now I choose to do,
I give You all these burdens,
In exchange for more of You.

By Diana DePriest
© August 28, 2011

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

Am I Listening?

California has been having some funny weather. After a mild summer we've had a severe heat wave, and then the last couple days it's been strange with thunderstorms and lightning.

Yesterday I found myself stuck at home because of a break down with my car. While I awaited Triple A, we had a sudden crazy thunderstorm. I walked outside into it and had an amazing experience, suddenly aware of my God, and his power. As I stood in a sudden torrent of downpour while the sun shone brightly in the sky, I could hear the thunder roar in the distance. It made me so aware of the power of my God.

Lots of friends and loved ones have been telling tales of rainbows they've been seeing in the sky. Over and over again people were talking about the wonder of the rainbows in the sky.

It made me think of a day in my past when things were particularly dark and scary. I was overwhelmed with fear and discouragement. My heart was heavy. It began to rain that day and I took my children outside to splash in the puddles.

After a time when the rain begin to stop, I looked up into the sky and saw four rainbows in the sky. It was as though they were surrounding our little neighborhood, and honestly, I felt like they were just for me. The Lord was reminding me of His goodness and His faithfulness.

The rainbow is a reminder of the theme of my life, "God always keeps His promises." It is a truth on which I stand.

It makes me wonder that all these rainbows being seen by people here lately aren't perhaps the Lord Himself trying to draw their eyes heavenward. Could it be His call to look up and remember, what a faithful God we serve?

Someone shared this video today on Facebook, and I wanted to share it with all of you, because I think it holds to the theme of the wonderings of my heart.



Is God speaking today?
More importantly, am I listening?
Are you?

Sometimes It Flows

My greatest heart's desire would be to be able to speak consistently and publicly for Christ. I don't mean in just the one on one lay sense, but professionally even. It is an awesome thing to stand before a group of people fully dependant on the Lord and have opportunity to share about the Lord and the Good News. It helps that I know, that I know that I know, that this is definitely one of the gifts He has given me.

Unfortunately, it is not a place where doors seem currently open for me, but I am honestly ok with that, because I know He is in charge, and in His perfect time and way, He will open the doors.

A lot of people refer to my writing as my greatest gift, but I happen to know, although it is absolutely a gift from Him, it isn't my primary one, although it may be in the top two or three. But the problem with my writing is, I am far more apt to get into the midst of it and mess things up. Unlike when I get the chance to speak, where the dependence is completely on Him, because once it's been said, it's done and out there, with my writing, there is time and opportunity to mull it over and make my own edits and changes that aren't necessarily the way the Lord would have it given.

Now, to be clear, I am by no means saying every time I speak it's a God thing, the fact is, it would be far better if He had total control of the edit feature in that scenario! However, I can honestly say that because of the way the Lord opened the world of speaking for/about Him, I know full well that the process of it is "Prepare, prepare, prepare" (which means plenty of study and even more prayer) but when it all comes down to it, my final prayer before walking on a stage or in front of a room full of people is always' John the Baptist's prayer, "Lord may I decrease that You may increase." And I trust in God's promise to Moses, that if I open my mouth, He will show up and speak. And faithfully, He always has, because I know, bottom line, if just one person is touched and ministered to, then I served my purpose. And I know if He isn't going to show up for me specifically, there is always someone there He will show up for.

However, having said all that, I can honestly say that there are times with my writing, that He is just as in charge as when I get the opportunity to speak. Sometimes, it just flows. When things come pouring out of you, in a good way, it's always been my experience, that it is an overflow of the good work of the Holy Spirit.

This past week has been a powerfully filling week for me. And I have been different, and responded to things differently, and I know it is because I have been abiding. This morning though, after I dropped the kids off at school, I had the first inkling of my "level" having dropped just a little below full on the gauge. Nothing "happened" I just had this sense of need for Him, like I missed what I have been experiencing. And I began to pray about it. I don't want the things the Lord has been doing in me to be a brief afterglow to a good week of prayer and fasting. I long for it to be a work of change to give Him great glory.

As I drove to the bank before heading to work, words began to flow. As I had to sit outside waiting for the bank to open, I grabbed a pen and paper and I wrote down the poem the Lord gave me. I know a lot of people question the wisdom of sharing these creations without proper copyright coverage, but the fact is, I know when it flows out like that, it's not just meant for me. The gift to write them isn't mine, the words themselves do not belong to me. They are for the good of God's people, and for His glory, so I have no choice but to share them and hope they are a blessing to many, but I also know if it ministers to just one, then it will serve its purpose. I hope it ministers to you.

Wanderer

My heart wants to wander,
My eyes grow too weary to heed,
My own flesh tries to prevent me,
From my soul’s sole greatest need.

My soul longs for Your presence,
I need to just sit at Your feet,
That Your Spirit may pour into my want,
And make my satisfaction in You complete.

Circumstances will conspire against it,
The fellowship of my heart with Yours,
The enemy of my soul seeks to destroy it,
But my spirit deep within continually implores,

“Father, help me overcome every obstacle,
That hinders my path to You,
Help me lay aside this life’s cares,
And bask in the knowledge of what’s true.

You called me to a greater purpose,
Than what I see before my eyes,
You have a plan to use me,
To break through all the lies.”

Lies that say we don’t matter,
That there is no God who cares,
Must be shattered by Your lovingkindness,
That Your love may reveal You are there.

You’re reaching out to each one of us,
Calling us ever closer to Your heart,
For it is Your greatest longing,
Of Your family and purpose all would be a part.

I know You gave Your all,
So we could fellowship as one,
No thing did you withhold,
Not even Your Precious Son,

Yet still my heart longs to wander,
My flesh and my will, they fail,
But I cling to the hope I have,
That Your purpose will prevail.

You are my strength and my hope,
So my heart must persevere,
And as I reach out in my weakness,
I know You’ll meet me here.

My weary head, You’ll lift,
And look into my face,
With gentle words You remind me,
In Your plan, I have a place.

So in my weakness of flesh,
My spirit cries out in hope to You,
Knowing no matter how I may struggle,
Your love and promises hold true.

- Diana DePriest
© September 14, 2010

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26

All Things

When we look at nothing but the ashes of pain and destruction before us, it is inconceivable that God could possibly bring forth any beauty from it. It is overwhelming to try to imagine how he might rebuild what has been completely devestated and destroyed.

But it is when we face the reality of what is before that we must close our eyes to the circumstances and open our heart fully to the truth of Who God is.

It is not what we see that we put our trust in, but rather in Who we know. We must trust in the character of God. We must remember all that He has done before when we are stuck in the moment of deep suffering. As Job cried out, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." God deserves our trust. He deserves our confidence, and even in our weakest and most painful moments, we must hold to Him with whatever strength we can muster, because Who He is, His character is trustworthy.

We belong to Him, He loved us and accepted us when we came to Him at our worst, mired deep in sin and rebellion. He took us in, made us His very own, and gave us hope and new life. How much more will He care for us, proved us and leave us, now that we are His followers, His children.

Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Psalm 100:3

As the shepherd watches over his flock without wavering, all the more, our Good Shepherd does not slumber or sleep, He continually works for our good, that we would know Him more and we would receive all that He has for us. He is a good God, and that is why we must trust Him in all things.

It may be at times that our prayer is "Even this, Lord, I will trust You in," but we must pray the prayer. Sometimes it may start as shallow words, but we must continue the sacrificial offering of it until our weary flesh and our wounded hearts catch up with it. He is worthy. He can be trusted.



“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
Isaiah 61:1,3

That's My King!

DO YOU KNOW HIM???

This Peace

I was just dozing off to sleep tonight and this poem began to come together in my mind. I hurried into the office to write it down. It came together with ease, which always means it's not of me. I know where my talents come from, they're the Lord's, and when words flow so poetically with ease, I know it's a gift from Him, and to be shared with others. So I hope it is an encouragement to someone. If one heart is touched, then I know I have served at least some small part of my purpose.
----------------------------------------

This Peace

Pressures they come, my heart’s overwhelmed
I look at my life, who stands at the helm?

The storm waves they rise- again and again,
Tossed to and fro, when will it end?

“Peace!” I cry out, “Peace find me now!”
I know I can find it, but can’t recall how.

Is it in the waves? Is it in the wind?
No, it’s not there, it’s found in my Friend.

It’s not in the storm that I’ll find my peace,
But it’s found when the storm to Him I release.

Jesus, You died that Your peace I might know,
Hung on the cross, Your peace you bestowed.

Not of this world is the peace that You give,
This peace supersedes the life that I live.

Circumstances can’t steal it, nor this life destroy,
This peace overcomes all the enemy’s ploys.

This peace is resident deep in my soul,
This peace is a peace that makes my heart whole.

This peace is what’s real, this peace is what’s true,
This peace is the peace that’s found only in You.

This peace is what makes stable my life,
This peace is what overcomes struggle and strife.

It’s in this peace that I will find rest,
It’s with Your peace all my fears are addressed.

“Come to Me weary, with your heavy loads”
So You said, that Your peace could be known.

I give You my burdens, I give You my storms,
And with this peace my life is transformed.

The waves may still rise, but I am lifted above,
As I rest in this peace, I rest in Your love.

This peace that You give, no one can steal
This peace, Your peace is eternal and real.


By Diana DePriest © February 3, 2010

He Takes My Breath Away

The Lord took my breath away yesterday. It was just Him and me, my thoughts were just dwelling on Him, and for a moment, I lost my breath. It reminded me of the way falling in love felt. Don't misread, being in love is much better than falling in love, but the falling can be really good. Do you remember that feeling? Or have you even ever felt it? There's this little pit-like feeling in your diaphragm, like you've lost your air, and a pressure in your chest as though if you don't breathe in deeply and suddenly, you might never breathe again. It's a little like a sense of panic, except your mind is not running but focused. It's a little like illness, except it's not unpleasant. Maybe that's why they coined the term "lovesick."

It could be a somewhat addictive feeling. It could get you into lots of trouble too, I suppose if the object of the emotion wasn't a healthy one. But for me, yesterday at least, it was the Lord.

I wish I could feel like that every day... minus the appearance lovesick adolescents walk around with. I don't what the dazed look in my eyes or my tongue hanging half out my mouth, not knowing where I've been or where I'm going. It's a funny look and at 39, I'm pretty sure I can't pull it off.

Neal's made me feel this way, still does a lot of days, but this wasn't Neal making me feel this way yesterday, it was the Lord. It started when I was listening to a song I wasn't familiar with called "Soon" by Hillsong United. It touched my heart. It's a song about the Lord coming back for me. I look forward to that day. Yesterday as I was listening I think I understood what the apostle Paul meant when he said, "to live is Christ, and to die is gain." I just really wanted to go and be with Him. I felt homesick for Him.

No complaint about my live as it is. I am a woman GREATLY blessed. I have a husband who I am 1000% madly in love with, I have three precious children who are God's greatest gifts to me that I love immensely. I am surrounded by precious people in my life that I love and care for immensely. And yet all of these wonderful blessings pale in comparison. Christ is the Great Romance in my life.

I feel for Him like the princess who awaits her Knight in shining armor. No, better yet, I am the peasant girl awaiting her Prince who loves her passionately, completely and unconditionally and is coming to rescue her and take her off to where she belongs. Oh, someday my Prince will come.

I kept playing the song over and over. It spoke to my soul. The residue of the time entering into His presence, seeking His heart remains. I am still feeling a little lovesick, still longing to be held in His arms of grace completely.

It will not remain, of that I am certain. Truthfully, I don't think it is likely His desire that it should. He isn't here yet for me, because surely there are things He has for me to do and accomplish that have yet to be accomplished. And yet I think He allows these moments to help us have the strength to press on. But I also suspect that there are more of these moments to be had than I actually slow down enough from the "speed of life" to experience.

The exposure to lovesickness for Christ is here to be had. It may be in a song, or a sermon, a worship service, a quiet time. It could be in the moment of counting one's blessings, welcoming a new life, helping a loved one pass out of this life. In those places, the Lord is present, arms of grace, heart of unconditional love. Passion. No greater passion be than the love of Christ.

Let me share the song that touched my heart.




Stop a moment. Close your eyes. Listen. Seek Him with your heart. Breathe deeply. He is present. Faithful. Loving. True. Do you feel it? He's coming, soon. Does He make you breathless.