Do it anyway?

Following is hard. Signing on to be the follower might even be considered a little nuts. That's what I think sometimes when I look at the military. I'm so glad for the people who sign up, but I think to myself, "I could never do that." The blind obedience that is required-- you pretty much give up all your rights. Where you go, what you do, even what you eat, all those things are decided for you. It's little like going to prison, though honorable, and the uniforms are definitely cooler. But you cannot discount the similarities and I have thought more than once, "I could never do it."

And then I think, is following Christ so very different? Because it shouldn't be. Much like those who enlist in the military who make a pledge to follow and agree to unconditional obedience, that's what following Jesus ought to resemble.

The bible says it like this, "bought at a price." When we say "yes" to Jesus we pretty much sign over the rights to our lives to Him. There's a popular Christian song right now that says something to the effect of "Where You go, I'll go; where You stay, I'll stay; when You move, I'll move, I will follow You." That's what saying "yes" to Jesus is supposed to be like.

And when I think about that, I think to myself, the military might be easier. Because in the military if you fail to "follow" the consequence is swift. You'll know it quickly, and you'll suffer accordingly. Getting back on track is something I'd be swiftly convinced to agree to. Not following would bring greater suffering than following, and I would acquiesce.

And in the military, I suspect the objective is clearer. Goals are defined, the desired result is more clear. I cannot always say the same when following Jesus, at least not in the way I would like to have goals, results and objectives clearly defined. In the military the picture is narrow, in Christ,the vision is broad, more broad than I can even comprehend.

Sometimes God asks us me to do things, and I don't understand. I look and I don't see the results I think I should, and I wonder why I'm doing them.

When you don't see an impact, do you do it anyway?
When you don't see a benefit, do you do it anyway?
When you can't grasp the purpose, do you do it anyway?

These are the questions I find myself struggling with.

I wrote a book. It's a good book, a story that I know has purpose and needs to be told. But I sell a couple dozen and then it seems like nothing else comes of it. And I wonder, what I felt while I was writing, the leading, the directing, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was it Him? Or was it just me?

Passion, purpose, talents and gifts-- all coming together, is it God's hand? His plan? Where are the results?
Are lives being touched?
Is it providing for my family?
Is it making an impact?

If I don't have the answers, or if the answer seems to be "no," do I do it anyway?

If it magnifies what seems NOT be happening and NOT going right in my life, but He still seems to be leading, directing, inspiring-- do I do it anyway?

I'm writing my second book-- more to the story of the first book that's "out there,"-- maybe or maybe not making a difference. It has social value, and the potential to touch a life, but I may never see it. So do I do it anyway?

The real question is, "how do I not?"

God leads, I have to follow, even if I don't understand. He never promised that I would. Even if I don't benefit, because it's not really about me. Because it might minister-- even to just one, and that is by definition what ministry is, at least the way Jesus did it.

So do I do it anyway? Yes, I must. Because it's all about Him. And if it brings Him any glory, then it was worth it.

And when I'm wondering why I'm doing it, that's what I need to remember, because following in obedience-- that honors Him.

100 Verses - Week 25

Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, you cannot win. You try to make righteous choices, you try to honor God, and you try to live your life in a way that reflects His goodness and His grace, and sometimes it just seems like you can't do enough. Too much, too many are working against you- sometimes you even end up working against yourself. It's a lousy place to be, but sometimes it's just where you are.

I've come to the realization, that it just doesn't matter what other people say about you. I am not defined by the words of others, and no matter how loudly they might ring in my ears, it doesn't make them true. There is a freedom that comes in realizing that I am helpless to change the actions, words and attitudes of others. So I'm just not going to let myself be consumed with what I cannot control. It only wears me out, and at the end of the day, nothing changes anyway.

Last night and this morning as I was in church they led the song, "Friend of God." I love to hear my husband play the drums on that song. I caught myself watching him worship as he played. It's one of the reasons I love when he plays worship, he truly worships. I see the confidence in Neal that he knows Who God is. I know who God is too. And in the words of the song, "He calls me friend." God chooses me, He wants to be my friend.

I'm going to choose to not only meditate and memorize this week's verses, but also to walk them out. I am no longer going to be diligent in things I cannot control, but rather I am going to be diligent in the things of God and in my pursuit of Him, and Him alone. Even if He were my only friend, is friendship is enough- because unlike any other friendship, His defines me.

I am going to choose to completely counter my nature, and I am going to rejoice in hope. Hope is something I choose typically to avoid. My expectation of disappointment pains my heart. As the Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick," and that heartsickness is familiar- but in this week's verse, God seems to command I ought to choose to rejoice in hope, so I will. And the affliction I face at the actions of others, or even my own mistakes or sin- I will be patient, because that too is what God seems to command. And finally, I will continue to seek Him, be fervent in prayer.

And I will do what I can to be at peace with all, and sometimes that means cutting ties and walking away- and I will seek God's wisdom and direction about what that means specifically for the relationships in my life.

Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer.
Romans 12:11-12

If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18


The 100 Verse Challenge is based on Robert J. Morgan's book "100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart."

Sovereign

In my mind, each individuals own Walk of Faith hinges on the issue of God's sovereignty.

This attribute of God can be both the greatest bone of contention or the strongest source of security.

God being sovereign is often the point of attack for unbelief. It's where His character is maligned by those who either refuse to believe in his existence, or those who choose to believe He is unworthy of their love.

You have surely heard, or even asked, the questions for yourself. If God is (sovereign) then why... is there pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...? The list is longer, but these are a few of the favorites.

On another hand, when someone "of faith" finds themselves facing pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... many find comfort in God's sovereignty. I believe this is because then they can hope or even believe there is purpose in their suffering.

I don't think anyone (particularly anyone "of faith") questions God's sovereignty in the good times, though those who choose not to believe will intentionally deny any credit of the "good thing" (blessing) to something such as the hand of God.

It's hard sometimes in the hurt, in the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death... to focus on God's sovereignty, it is sometimes best seen in hindsight, and sometimes it's not. Sometimes even when it cannot be seen, it has to be claimed. Otherwise, how do we live with the circumstance?

I've been reading lately about seeking God. One of the books I am reading has made reference to two different ways to seek God. Some seek His hand. When we seek His hand, His sovereignty is far more likely to come of issue. Because if the hand is not holding what we would hope for, or worse, if our circumstance somehow seems to indicate His hand might even be against us, then thought of His sovereignty is far more likely to breed discouragement, or worse- despair.

The better way is therefore, not to seek His hand, but rather, to seek His face. For when we seek His face, what His hand may hold is far less relevant. When we seek His face, what God does or does not do pales in comparison to who He is. And the false accusation against us, or the sickness we are facing, or the death of our loved one is no longer about us. Instead is just part of what is.

I think of the story in the New Testament when word was sent to Jesus that Lazarus was sick. He waited two days. Jesus waited. He tarried. And by the time He arrived Lazarus had died. I can imagine how Mary and Martha must have felt. Disappointed? Abandoned? Betrayed? Unloved? When they sent for Jesus, they had confidence that He could come, and by His hand have made Lazarus well. But He did not come.

Others have felt these same feelings. When John the Baptist awaited his beheading in prison, surely these were emotions he battled with.

Joseph, surely he felt these things as well... in the pit... in prison...

When Sarah was childless and ridiculed by Hagar, were these her feelings?

They had sought the hand of God, but His hand was empty. Perhaps His hand was even against them.

When Jesus finally arrived to Lazarus' tomb. Martha ran to Him, "“Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." Mary also said the same thing to Him, in essence, "Your hand was empty, Lord."

If you read the story (John 11) you know that Jesus called Lazarus forth from the grave. Mary and Martha sought their brother's healing from Jesus' hand, but when they looked into His face they discovered not the power of healing, but the Healer Himself.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.
He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.
And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.
John 11:25-26a

I want to seek God's face, not His hand. I want the confidence not in what He does, or does not, do, but in WHO He is. He is Sovereign.

It brings me comfort, and it brings me angst.

In His silence, He is sovereign.

Though He tarries, He is sovereign.

When I hurt, He is sovereign.

In the midst of pain, poverty, abuse, injustice, sickness, disease, death...

He is Sovereign.

And I will see this, if I look into His face.

Do you believe this?”
John 11:26b

I believe.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Psalm 27:7-10

The Thing About Bitterness

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15

Was 2011 a Success?

I've been pondering 2011 a lot these last couple weeks. And as I sit down to write this blog, there are just under 37 hours left in the year.

Last New Year's Eve all five members of my family sat down and wrote out a letter to the Lord- a list of our hopes and prayers, of our goals for 2011. Tomorrow sometime we will open them and see if and how things were answered. I suppose in a way we could use it to evaluate whether or not we consider 2011 to have been a successful year.

Honestly, I have forgotten a lot of the things I wrote in my letter. I do remember three goals. I wanted to lose 75 lbs, the term "epic failure" doesn't begin to express how bad I dropped the ball on that one. Another goal was to journal to the Lord every day. I didn't make it. I started out strong, but it didn't last, but I did fill two journals full of prayers and conversations, and am into my third. It's not a failure, it's just not the success I was hoping for. My third goal was to read through my entire Bible this year. I'm very excited about the fact that that goal will be accomplished by tomorrow evening. I've never done it before, but this year I will have (in Jesus' name.) One thing I didn't dare to hope I also accomplished, I wrote my first book in 2011. It's not much more than a stack of papers right now, but the potential for God's purpose is there. I know He was with me in the process.

Last New Year's Eve at a church service I was given a Bible verse, just as I was practically every year for almost two decades. It was Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. And I'm going to be honest, I wasn't thrilled, the only one I liked less was when I got Psalm 23:4 a few years before (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...) But as always, even with Psalm 23:4, I saw the Lord was in fact speaking into the year ahead.

My reaction was eyes rolling and a heavy sigh of "not again!" My family laughed that once again I got one of THOSE scriptures. I was focused on the afflictions when the Lord was all about the deliverance, but I just could not know. I tried to rebuke the verse, but it was just a couple weeks into the New Year when Victoria came home with a Bible card she'd earned at school. She was reading it to me from the back seat of the van on the way home. "And the Bible verse is Psalm 34:19, Mommy, do you know it?" she asked. I told her I did, and I asked her if I could keep the card.

My prayer for the year of 2011 was a prayer for "jubilee." I was praying for freedom from financial debt, but the Lord answered it in His own way- truly a better way, that I could not have foreseen. I'll keep praying for freedom from financial debt, but I am grateful for better kinds of freedom, like freedom to hope again.

I lost my voice over the Christmas season this year. Funny thing about induced silence, it makes you a better listener. I was disappointed not to be able to sing Christmas carols with my church family. As I stood silently though, the Lord reminded me how often I get distracted by the sound of my own voice. I lose its purpose, giving honor to the Lord, when I become too consumed with how I sound. It's not just true in signing in church, it's true in life. I need to beware of becoming so consumed with "appearances" that I lose track of what the heart is supposed to be behind them. God was able to move my heart when I couldn't move my lips. It's a fact I am continuing to ponder.

This picture represents the best parts of 2011 for me (not counting people.)



My mom bought me the "Unlocking the Bible" series and my Kindle for Christmas 2010. I used the reading plan in the back of "Unlocking" and read through the books as they corresponded and it was life changing. My Kindle became a constant companion, and as a formerly avid reader, the e-reader re-Kindle-d my passion. I read probably two dozen books (after the prior year of not finishing two) and two of them I would consider life-changing: Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chloe and A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards (read that one in just the last two days.)

The 100 Verse Challenge was birthed our of the 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart, we started it in September and I've memorized 30 verses already - awesome. I had the privilege of facilitating not one, but two bible studies this year. Who could foresee the irony of "Becoming a Woman of Freedom"? And the transtion represented in "Duty of Delight" has been an ongoing theme this year for me. The women I shared these studies with have established themselves firmly in my heart.

My journals represent a year of finally fully striving after the right thing in my life, a closer walk with the Lord. My new church, and particularly the "Hole in the Gospel" series we went through has has an impact on my life I could never have foreseen. And my Max Lucado Bible has been a gift, and my best companion in 2011.

This New Year's Eve I won't be pulling a card with a scripture like I have all these years before. So I asked the Lord to show me what the scripture was for me to hold to. After I asked I opeened my Bible to check out what reading was coming up in my plan, and the book of Habakkuk stood out to me. The next morning at church my pastor shared a verse from it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
Habakkuk 2:3

When I asked the Lord for my scripture, I prayed He would help me be sure. I have been asking Him questions of "when?" and "how long?" all throughout this year. Some He has answered, some I stillwait and wonder. When my pastor read this verse the next morning, he read it, and he said, emphatically, "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it..." I knew the Lord was helping me be sure. And just to confirm it, a mom at Victoria's birthday party brought it up again later that day. I feel confident this is the verse I am to hold to in 2012.

I am waiting with hope and expectation, confident not in the answer, but in the One who answers. Because I have learned in 2011, even if it isn't the answer I might imgine, the Lord's way is alwas the best.

For the first time in a very long time, I can say with all honesty that I feel like I am in a very different place spiritually than I was a year ago. And in all honesty, that makes 2011 an absolute success. I look forward to what 2012 will bring.

HIStory

November is National Novel Writing Month, and after the bidding of a girlfriend who encouraged me to participate in the event last year, I finally decided that this was the year to give it a shot. The goal is simple, you're supposed to write 50,000 words in 30 days. All totaled I think it will come out to about 125 pages if you hit the 50,000 mark. The goal is really no more complicated than that. No one is judging your work or editing your spelling and grammar, it's just about getting writers to write. You don't even have to finish the book in the 30 days, as long as 50,000 words are written, you have succeeded at the challenge.

It's not much past noon on day 3 for me, and I am going strong. I have hit the 10,000 word mark (10,455 to be specific) and am six chapters in to a novel of Christian fiction. There are moments where I wonder if the sense of accomplishment will be enough for me, or if I'll have regret of having written a work of fiction that other than a few close friends no one may ever read. If course there are lofty dreams of becoming the next Karen Kingsbury (accomplished Christian novelist) that waft through the corners of my imagination as well.

It's an interesting process writing a story. I think it has been said that all fiction has some roots of truth in it, and I can certainly trace lines between the story and characters I am creating with people and experiences in and around my own life, but the more I write, the more I find the story and the people in it taking on a life of their own. It's exciting. Just as in reading a good book, when I have a hard time putting it down and can't wait to get back to it, I find the same true in writing a story, one I can only hope will be found "good" upon it's completion.

One thing I did find interesting though was the importance of creating a mental history for my characters. As I write about who these people are in the moment of the story, I find myself having to reflect in my imagination on who they were before and where they'd come from. I actually had to finally sit down and write out a timeline and mark the milestones of the lives of my characters: places they had been, things that happened to them, ages they were in times of crisis or victory. I had to give consideration to how the people's paths has crossed in their history, and how their relationships in their pasts effected their interaction in the present day.

It made me think about how true that was in the real world for us as well. Who we are and where we are in life today has a lot to do with where we've been and what we come from.

I can't help but wonder if that isn't why in the Bible God is often reminding us to "remember" and to "tell."

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wondrous works!
Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!
Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,
O seed of Abraham His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!
Psalm 105:1-6

Have you ever shared your testimony with someone? A lot of people are intimidated at the thought of telling their stories, the stories about the things God has done in their lives, or even the promises He has spoken into their hearts. Even when they have seen prayers answered or dreams fulfilled, often many hold back from sharing it with others. Why? Fear perhaps? Intimidation? But I encourage you, step outside of your comfort zone.

Our testimony is the history of our lives, but if we will remember and tell, our "history" can become HIS-Story. And when our story is used as His story, telling of from where we have come, and our experiences along that path, we can bring both benefit to others and glory to God. Your life is a Truth that cannot be denied as God has written the gospel both on our hearts and demonstrated to those around us through our lives.

An added bonus I have experienced personally in the telling of my own testimony is the increase in my own faith. When I think upon the things God has gone has done in my life up to this day, and as I speak of His goodness to me, it is a powerful reminder of how and why I can trust Him with the story that still remains unwritten. For as a follower of Christ, I know God has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and a future planned also for my good and His glory.

As I continue writing me novel in the coming months, I can only hope to have the inspiration to write a story that will both entertain and encourage. But as I look forward into my own real life, I can look with confidence, knowing that the Author of my life will write the story of a lifetime, His Story, so long as I remain surrendered to Him.

I look forward to how my novel will unfold, but I can hardly begin to express the anticipation that rises up inside of me as I think of the promise and potential of my life tale that lies ahead following Jesus, a truly never ending story.

Adopted!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.
Ephesians 3:1-6

This passage of scripture was in my daily reading plan this morning, and it really touched my heart. It's not an unfamiliar passage to me, I have heard it probably hundreds of times, maybe even heard dozens of messages on it, but this morning, I don't know it really just struck a cord in my heart.

I have always said that for me at least, being a parent has been an awesome insight into what the heart of God is like. By no means am I successful in loving my children as perfectly and unconditionally as God loves His kids, but it is a glimpse. I do love my kids with all of my heart.

But as much as just being a "mom" shows me a little something about God's love, I have to say, having the privilege of being an adopted mom really is a revelation about God's heart for us all the more.

I think back to the 4 am phone call I received from Oklahoma that morning in February 2001. I wasn't there, my child was being born, but I was 1,300 miles away. There was just one thing to do, get to Oklahoma, and get to my son.

It took me 22 hours between the time of that first phone call and the moment I finally met Ethan. It was a harried day, getting plane tickets for Neal and I, making arrangements for a car when we got to Oklahoma, making arrangements for our older son Jacob, packing, just the actual process of getting there.

When we finally made it to Oklahoma, we were exhausted. Ethan was asleep in his birth mother's room. We said our hellos to his birth mom and her family. I held Ethan in my arms for the first time, and took in this new baby.

I'm not going to lie, Ethan was a little train wreck. He had a couple birth defects that would require surgical correction and he was covered in ugly red pustules all over his body. He was a newborn, but he wasn't cute or cuddly. In all honesty, he was kind of ugly, and definitely broken. As I held him his birth mom asked me, "I know he has a lot of problems, but are you still going to take him?" I am relieved to say that I never had a moment's thought of bailing on this little boy, but if we hadn't already made the commitment, he might have been a hard sell.

The hospital staff was very supportive and soon after we arrived they set up a room for the three of us. Neal and I took our new sleeping son and setting his bassinet between us we each climbed into separate hospital beds and tried to catch a little sleep. It must have been about an hour or so later when I heard the most pitiful bleating cry that awoke me. I got up in the darkened room and went to Ethan.

As I picked him up into my arms, something happened in that moment. I honestly can't even find the words to describe it, but it was as though something physically happened. I am the birth mother of my other two children and I loved them before I ever held them. They were a part of me from conception, but this moment, Ethan and I alone in the dark (because Neal slept through the crying), I actually felt the moment I fell in love with my son. Even now I can remember like a click in my heart, as our two lives became eternally connected.

There was nothing about this little boy that made him desirable. He was a broken mess, He had nothing to offer but had every need for me. He had come in to the world under unfortunate circumstances and he had no fault or control in his situation. He could do nothing for himself, and if someone did not rescue him from himself and his circumstance, the truth is, his future looked very bleak, hopeless even. And yet, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more in life than to make Ethan my own.

Ethan's adoption story was long and complicated. It was the very next morning that we actually had to begin a 3 1/2 year long and difficult battle to arrive on the day when he would truly become our son legally, but that moment in the dark is when he became the son of my heart.

This is why I get this passage of scripture, and it moved my heart so deeply. You see, Jesus traveled a great distance to come after me, and he came to me in the darkness. I was a broken mess and had nothing to offer Him but ugliness and need. And in the moment that he held me, our hearts were linked together, eternally too. There's no rhyme or reason to the why of God wanting me, but He did. And all on His own, out of the love in His heart, He came to me in my need and made me a part of His family.

The other day, my kids were kind of driving me crazy. And in my typical sarcastic/ comic way, I, in exasperation, blurted out, "I'm going to disown you all!" When I said it, my daughter, who was born to me just under 10 months after that night in the hospital in Oklahoma, said from the back seat, "That's not fair! You can't disown Ethan!"

You see, one of the benefits for Ethan as my adopted child is that I have to guarantee him two things, (1) He will always belong to us, there is no undoing an adoption, unlike my other kids who can be disowned, it can never happen to my Ethan. And (2) I must guarantee Ethan an inheritance. Whatever I leave behind someday, Ethan is guaranteed his portion of it. I cannot leave him "out of the will."

Likewise, when we come to Christ, our position is secure and our inheritance is guaranteed. Though God would never blurt out the threat of disowning us if our actions were frustrating and contrary to His will, I think sometimes in our hearts, the sense of the threat tries to rise up. But be encouraged, it's not so! Our place in Christ, and all the blessings there are ours!

Although we have NOTHING to offer, and we could never find ourselves worthy, God wanted us. He made a way for us, and HE willingly adopted us into His family through Christ!

I have heard Ethan on more than one occasion tell his siblings, "She CHOSE me, she just got stuck with you." And although the truth is that I love all my children equally, there is also truth in Ethan's security that he was wanted, he was chosen, and his bond to our family runs far deeper than blood.

If you are a follower of Christ, you were bought with His blood, and you were wanted and chosen, and your bond is secure. You belong, you are ADOPTED! Never forget what that means!

Hard Things

It's nearly 3 am and I cannot sleep. My mind is heavy, my thoughts constant. It's not confusion that keeps me awake but constancy. Thought after thought is running through my mind. Overload of concerns and information keep me from closing my eyes. It's not unrest exactly, but even with the residing peace in my soul, I feel burdened.

Without deciding to, my husband and I find ourselves in the position of teaching our children hard things. As a parent I find myself teaching my children something almost all the time. But sometimes the lessons are thrust upon us and not chosen. I find myself in the midst of that.

Teaching my children that mom and dad don't always have all the answers is difficult. So many things in life have simple answers, and honestly as parents, we often make decisions in the teaching process just for the purpose of giving our kids resolution. Lots of things are "black an white" enough that you can make a choice and live with it.

Right now my children are learning that not all decisions are "black and white." They're also learning that some decisions can't be made quickly. That's hard for me. I'm the kind of person who likes to lay everything out, pros and cons below each option, at least mentally, and look at the choices and go with one. But right now, things aren't all that simple, and there really isn't anything that can be done to change that. And that is a hard thing.

"Follow your heart" is a worldly wisdom that works its way into the lives of us all. Often in easy choices it can actually be wisdom. But sometimes, like now for us, our hearts have to be removed from the decision making process. That's a hard thing to teach your child. That's a hard thing fr anyone to learn, and a really hard thing to walk out.

Sometimes in life you find yourself in limbo, and that too is a hard thing. Waiting and watching is probably a better description for the goal of where we'd like to truly be, but in all honesty, it really just feels like limbo. It's hard enough to find yourself dancing there, but teaching your children to keep the rhythm of that dance, it's a hard thing.

Suddenly, I'm remembering a ride on a catamaran when I was about 12 years old. The ride on that boat felt a lot like what life feels like these days, in flux. I remember laying down in the back of the boat, my stomach turning. I was so sick. As I sat and stared at the waves it just caused my head to spin and my tummy to turn. The truth is, as I look at so much of the things about me, I feel very much the same way.

I remember my dad coming along side me. He pointed to a large island off on the horizon. He told me, "Look at the island, whatever you do, look at what isn't moving, and not at what is." I just wanted to close my eyes, but "No," he told me, "force your eyes open and look at the island. Closing your eyes will only make it worse."

My dad was right. It was a hard thing to overcome the desire to just close my eyes to the waves around me, but when I did what he said and I focused on what was not moving, I actually started to feel better. The headache began to subside and my stomach ceased to churn. The waves were no less choppy, and the ride was no more smooth, but when I fixed my eyes, I was able to not only weather the ride, but to a degree, I even found myself able to enjoy it.

It's a hard thing to teach your kids, and to remember for yourself for that matter, that when the waves are raging and the ride feels choppy, you have to fix your eyes on what is solid and unmoving. When you cannot find your own bearings you have to focus what is secure.

It's a hard thing to teach your children to fix their eyes on Jesus and to overlook the waves they do not understand. To teach them to trust in something bigger than their minds can fully grasp.

As I am finishing this up, I just clicked over to my Facebook where a young man I know has left me a scripture to encourage me. He's spoken prophetically into my life without even realizing it. And the passage is a perfect way to end this post.

"Listen to Me, you who follow after righteousness, You who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug...For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort her waste places; He will maker her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."
Isaiah 51:1-3

Looking to the immovable Rock. It is a hard thing, but so much harder not to.

The Challenge

This is a duplicate of the post over on the Family Blog, DePriest Days. Both sites are co-sponsoring this Challenge.

“Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth.
Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I've been thinking about this passage of scripture A LOT lately. I just feel like when Jake was little, and our "only" child, we just did a much better job of instructing him in God's Word and His ways. Something about two kids in ten months rattled us and we never really fully recuperated. (There's lack in the manners instruction too for that matter.)

But, the Word of God seems far more pressing. And don't get me wrong, they aren't total heathens or anything, in fact Ethan blew me away recently as he gave me a passage of scripture to pass on to a friend and he nailed the perfect passage. And all the kids have always had Christian education, so scripture is a regular part of their lives not only at church and home, but at school too. And yet, there can never be too much.

So today I came across this book: "100 Bible Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart" by Rober J. Morgan, and I was inspired. I thought to myself, what a terrific challenge! I want to memorize the 100 verses. At first I thought how cool it would be to memorize 100 verses in 100 days, and then I thought about the fact that that was a completely crazy goal, especially the first time out. So I got my wits about me and thought about the fact that there are 52 weeks in a year, so the math was close enough and reasonable enough that we could do on average 2 a week and have the whole 100 verses memorized in a year.

I'll be honest, the year thing makes me want to start at the beginning of a month or even the beginning of a year, but tomorrow is too soon and January is too far, and for that matter so is October, so I decided to blow off the Type-A organized tendency, and I'm starting on the 11th of September. (That's the eve of the first full week of school for my clan.)

So, if you know me, you also know I am a big believer in "the more the merrier" concept, so why not invite all my Christian Facebook friends... and any of their Facebook friends. And then I thought to myself, why not introduce the idea to my bloggy world peeps as well. So here is your invitation. Click HERE if you belong to Facebook to head over and join the Challenge.

Think about it. You really can't go wrong even for trying. Let's say you only complete 10%. In a test in the real world that might be an utter failure, but in this case, you've learned TEN SCRIPTURES! WIN! 10X over! And if you manage the whole 100, what a beginning that could be to a lifetime habit of learning and memorizing the Word! And you can include your family like I plan to mine and you will bless and grow your kids in the process! AWESOME!!

So I hope you'll join us. Head over, sign up and get the rest of the details.

How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blessed are You, O LORD!
Teach me Your statutes.
Psalm 119:9-12

Battling Bitterness

When I was in the 6th grade, I remember a lesson that we had about the 5 senses. We sat outside on the grass near the basketball courts and our teacher was talking about taste. He held out a plate with chocolate on it and all of us took a piece gladly. Waiting till he told us to take a bite, when the moment came, for half of us, what we got was far different than what we expected.

Popping the chocolate in my mouth I tasted nothing for a second, and then as I began to chew, my mouth filled with bitterness. I'd been fooled, I hadn't been given regular chocolate, it was baker's chocolate, and it was awful! Half the class made sounds of spitting and gagging, over the sound of my own spitting and gagging, I heard the "distaste" of several of my peers as well. The rest of kids, who got the good old fashioned milk chocolate, just stared at us in confusion.

What I remember most was that even after I spit all the chocolate out of my mouth, the nasty taste remained. That's the thing about bitterness, it lingers, sometimes long after it's cause is gone.

The week we were studying about laying aside bitterness in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, I asked Neal to build me a cross. I also asked him to buy me a big bag of rocks. The night we all met for study I used both props to share what the Lord had been showing me about needing to lay our hurts and offenses at the foot of the cross. That night I carried the very heavy bag of "offenses" and my cross back to my can and brought it home.

Late that night, I felt the Lord draw me out to my car to unpack it, and that's when He used the same props to speak to me. I knew I was supposed to set up the cross and the rocks somewhere here at home to serve as a reminder. As I stood in my yard after midnight, rocks and cross by my side, I looked for a proper place to set it up, finally the planter in the center of my yard seemed like the ideal place.

I set the cross down, and began to unpack the rocks. Too heavy to lift the bag up into the planter to pour them out, I began to unpack them one by one. It took quite a while, and as I unloaded the offenses, I talked to the Lord. I asked for help to be a woman of forgiveness. I prayed for help to heal from hurts that had been done to me. I begged the Lord to help me be quick to lay offenses at His cross so as not to let a bitter root even begin. Eventually I just found myself thanking and praising Him for even allowing me the privilege to come to the foot of His cross and find health and wholeness there.

When I finished laying all the rocks around the bottom of the cross, I noticed how similar it looked like a grave. I prayed the Lord would help me keep bitterness and unforgiveness there. As I stood up I realized where the Lord had impressed upon me to plant the cross, it was beneath our olive tree. The olive tree, which represents both victory and peace. I knew it wasn't an accident.

There is both victory and peace in the decision to let God be sovereign, even over our hurts and offenses. If I choose to hold my offense, it is the same as saying that God can not be trusted to bring good of it. The truth is, all that holding on to it does is weigh me down.

Later that week our assignment for bible study was to spend quiet time alone with the Lord. We were just supposed to sit quietly in His presence, resting, and listening for the voice of the Lord should He choose to speak. On this particular day sitting on the curb across the street from my house, I was having a hard time laying some of the offenses I'd been feeling at the foot of the cross. I was holding on to them, not trusting the Lord. As I sat dwelling on hurts I felt at the hands of other believers, I heard the Lord speak to my heart.

He said, "You're right." And I bolstered in the pause. Then I heard Him say, "Because of what Jesus did on the cross." I felt the wind leave my self-righteous sail a little, but He wasn't finished, and then He said, "And because of what Jesus did, so are they." It pierced to the core of my heart. The realization that offenses are settled in the body of Christ because of what Jesus did on the cross. I find not only forgiveness there, but I also rightly surrender my right to justice. If my idea of justice can only be played out in some real time validation, then I have lost sight of exactly what happened at Calvary. Jesus died once and for all. So if my sins are covered in his blood, so are the sins of those of His kids who have offended me, and likewise, if there is no grace for their sins, neither is there grace for mine.

As I walked back up to my doorway, I stopped momentarily at the cross by my olive tree, symbolically I tossed the imaginary rocks that represented my hurts at the foot of my little cross. The thing is, this was one little victory, one battle won in the war that lasts a lifetime as a follower of Christ. Today I found out someone very dear and close to me had been talking about me behind my back. It's actually the second time I have heard something like that in the week's since we began the chapter on forgiveness. This time though they really hit me where I lived, calling me a bad mom and tearing down my kids. I spent some time being wounded and hurt tonight before I realized I needed to go and sit at the Father's feet.

The Lord showed me that what had been spoken had been overflow out of a bitter heart. Bitterness begets bitterness. The conversations that had been had and the root of the attacks came out of a bitterness that didn't even have anything to do with me. And the Lord showed me, I had a choice to make. Would I let that person's bitterness infect my own heart, or would I choose to go back to the place of victory and peace.

It wasn't an easy offense to lay down, but I responded to the lie with Truth. The Truth is that even if I am not the perfect mom, I am loved and accepted by my heavenly Father. The truth is that my sin is covered, and if I believe in God's sovereignty, I have to let Him cover the sin of this offense as well. What I found was that the best way to do that was to change my focus.

I took my eyes off of myself, and off of my hurt feelings. I took my eyes off of the offender and the hurtful words they'd spoken over me. I took my eyes off of all the imperfect and looked firmly at the Lord. I gave Him the offense and my hurt, knowing and trusting that His pierced hands can be trusted with my wounded heart. He is sovereign and He has promised. He can be trusted, so that's what I decided to do, to trust the One who loved me enough to cover all my sins.

Reigning in the "ten-year-old"

Sat down with a couple of dear ladies for dinner last night. IF I said they were my "friends" that would be accurate, but not sufficient to describe them.

Truth be told, my time with them has been limited, and I truly don't know a lot about them, though I learned a little more last night, but there is a bond and a connection that knits our hearts together. The Lord has put me on their hearts, and they are reaching out to invest in me, because they see something worth laying hold of. They believe in me, and have confidence in me. They are too dear sweet women who I feel like my name is safe on their lips. That's what I told them last night as we left the restaurant.

For me to feel that way about someone is somewhat rare, and sadly it seems to become more rare all the time. They aren't the only people I feel that way about, by any means, but the list is still short. And because the Lord seems to have gifted me with these two women, these "mothers of the faith," it is particularly dear to me that God has placed them in my life. When I am with them, I feel unconditional love and acceptance. What a rare gift that is.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go last night. I was very close to cancelling just because I am so worn out. My body is not my friend. I have been in chronic pain long enough now, that I have finally lost count of just how long. Even as I sit here and type now, the pain in my neck and shoulders is throbbing. My emotions likewise have taken a beating. I am hurt and raw. The pain of it seems ongoing, and rising up in new places all the time. Even as I sat with the ladies and we talked, new arrows pierced my heart, not from them, but through our conversation.

These women because they love me, and although they support me, and even truly like me, I think, are far from simple cheerleaders. They are willing to, dare I say, determined to speak truth into my life, even hard truth. They do it lovingly, but they don't hold back. And I have to say, it is far easier to receive from someone who you feel your name is safe with than it is with anyone where there is even a hint of distrust.

These mothers of the faith, fast becoming like spiritual moms to me, know and see that there are hard things I am called to do. Things that bring about the emotional pain and personal hurts. Hard things that are hard when you feel good, but feel almost burdensome when your body is not your friend. But because they love me, they wouldn't accept my excuses.

They held my hand and spoke words of life as I sat there crying in the corner booth, but they didn't relent from speaking the truth. They didn't let the compassion they felt for me overwhelm the truth they believe for me. And every time I said "It's too hard," they countered with "But in Christ you can." I've spoken those words to others myself, and I have to say, they are hard to hear but necessary just the same.

"Take your thoughts captive," they instructed. "Speak words of life," they said. It's true, every time I say it's hard, it really gets a little harder.

Finally the Lord gave me the word picture that I understood. When my kids were littler, and I was chasing after the three, ages, 2, 3 and 10, it was easy for life to get consumed by the 2 and 3 year old who were needy and insistent and demanded their wants NOW! It made it harder to keep track of the ten-year-old who took advantage of my distraction and would wander off on his own way. He'd wander off and get himself into trouble, the more distracted I was, the further he went.

My emotions and my body are like the 2 and 3 year old, screaming out, throwing their tantrums, demanding all my attention NOW! And while it is easy to become consumed with how I am feeling both emotionally and physically, my mind, the 10 year old is off and wandering in the wrong direction. The one who KNOWS better is willingly going astray. And the further it wanders, the harder it is to bring it back, and the more havoc wreaked in the mean time.

When the kids were little and that happened, it meant putting the young ones somewhere safe, but a place that required less focus, down for a nap, in a time out, in a playpen to pay- their needs no less important, their demands no less intent, but the priority they were given was lessened, and the focus was brought back to the 10 year old, to bring him back under his proper training. To remind him of what he already knew and raise both the expectation and the focus to it being accomplished.

My body and emotions are what they are. I can't mature or heal them instantly out of the place they'r ein, but I can put them aside safely and get my mind back to focusing on the place that the battle is truly to be won, over my mind and thoughts.

These two women gently yet firmly reminded me, I know the Truth. I am to live by the Truth, and my focus needs to be on the Truth. It's time to reign in the big "kid" and get him back on track.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
II Corinthians 10:3-6

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32

Lost in translation

This morning when I was flipping through statuses on Facebook, I stopped for a moment at one.

It read, "Oggi è un giorno buono."

I don't speak Italian, or read it for that matter so I didn't actually know what it said. I do speak some Spanish however, in fact once upon a time I was relatively fluent, but if you don't use it, you lose it. But there remain enough in my memory bank to recognize the connection between buono and beuno to know my friend was saying that something was "good."

I don't actually know this Facebook friend very well "IRL" (In Real Life)- truth be told I'm not even positive we've had more than a short conversation or two in person. But I have seen enough of her on Facebook and observed her and her faithful service around the church we both attend to know, somewhat confidently, that whatever it was that she was saying, I probably agreed with her. Whatever she said was good, was good. I was confident, what I knew of her and her character was enough for me to feel confident that I could take her at her word, even if what she said was hard for me to understand, lost in translation, if you will.

Immediately, the Lord spoke to my heart.

How often is He "speaking" something into our lives that we don't understand. Perhaps the "words" are tinged in heartache, or even drenched in sorrow. Perhaps our attempts to understand what is happening in our lives is confusing We find ourselves struggling to comprehend the meaning, what in the world is God trying to say?

It's in those moments in our lives that we have to take God at his "Word" not because we fully understand what is being said, but because of the history we have with Him. We have to rest back on what we do know, rather than what we don't understand. We have to choose to look to His character and know that that is enough to be confident of the truth that we don't understand.

My friend did post the translation. "Oggi è un giorno buono" means "Today is a good day."

Today is a good day when we acknowledge God's hand in it. God has given His kids so many promises, that even what we do not understand, even hard and hurting things, we know will serve purpose, because the Lord has promised they would. He has promised to be with us in the midst of even the darkest times and most difficult challenges. Dare I say perhaps we are never more aware of His presence that in those dark days? Which that alone makes them that much more valuable.

God's character is sure, and that is why whatever He "speaks" into our lives, we can trust even if we struggle to understand. Look to Him. He is trustworthy.

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the LORD is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
2 Samuel 22:31

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul;
The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple;
The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes;
The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether.
Psalm 19:7-9

This is the day the LORD has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

My friend was right, ""Oggi è un giorno buono." Today is a very good day.




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Who's your Daddy?

I've started a new blog. It's specific to my battle with weight loss and I have titled it, "The Fight to Lose." Weight loss has been a long battle for me. Not a forever battle, but long enough at this point I have probably fought the issue long than I didn't. And what I have come to realize is, that for me, the battle is far more spiritual than just physical. My struggle with food comes from deep within. When I think of it, I am reminded of Paul talking about his own battles with his "flesh" in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. That's me and my fight with food

There all kinds of roots I recognize: bad habits, learned behaviors, emotional issues. In the end though, the root is simple. It's an issue of sin.

I started the blog for two reasons, (1) accountability, and (2) inspiration. They're actually very tied together. If I know someone else is watching me, I will think twice before I fudge because I don't want to cause anyone else to stumble. I know as a believer I'm called to live life openly before both God and man. And I always hold out hope that if by God's grace I am able to walk in some level of victory, then maybe I will help someone else hold on to Him and find the same.

In the end, anything good in my life comes down to my ability to hold on to the Lord. ."Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17

A big part of holding on to Him for me this year is about writing in a prayer journal. As last year closed and I prayed about what my goals for the new year should be, I chose to read my bible through in a year and journal to the Lord ever day. Obviously I have a passion for writing, and I know it is a gift the Lord has given me, but even though I have continued to write for His glory, I haven't really written for Him. So every day I have been writing for Him and to Him in my prayer journal.

The other night as I wrote I talked to him about this new blog. I wanted to share a little bit of the conversation that developed there.

From my journal:

Do, do, do - What is the revelation You gave me? It isn't all about the "do." Help me, Lord.

"If you continue to obey My teaching You are truly My followers. Then you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." John 8:31-32

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be truly free." (from sin.) John 8:36

Who's your Daddy?

If you belong to the Father, you would love Jesus and accept His teaching.

If you belong to the father (Satan, the father of lies) you do what he wants, murderous and against the truth, a liar, buying into his lies.

Lies: that food is a viable alternative to God's comfort, that my body is my own, lies that what I do with food doesn't matter.

So, what is Your teaching? What specifically do I need to obey? Where have I been buying into a lie? Help me to see these things, to call out the lies and it's attached temptation and respond to it with truth. Just like Jesus did when Satan tempted him in the wilderness. To respond in truth I must know truth ad to know truth I must be in the Word and continue in it and obey it."

For me the conversation leading to the revelation was specific to my battles with food, but it is universal to the battle of temptation and sin. The bottom line is, to overcome it we must be walking in obedience to God's word, and the only way to know it is to read it regularly, and with faith.

What are you battling today? What temptation is trying overcome you? The answer to your struggle is in God's Word.

How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
Psalm 119:9

The thing about unpacking

My oldest son came home from winter camp a week ago Monday. After getting snowed in for an extra day, I picked him up at the church tired and hungry. When we got home, he didn't even bring his suitcase in the house. At my directive, he dropped it in the garage near the washing machine. Nine days later, it's still sitting there. It looks like perhaps he has been to it, maybe rooted for a single necessary item, but he has not unpacked by any stretch of the imagination, and he certainly hasn't done in anything significant to deal with the items inside the suitcase.

Oddly enough, instead of wanting to wring Jake's neck, I am able to appreciate the irony on the unpacked suitcase I keep passing every time I head to the laundry. As I shared in my last post, as I was leaving church on Sunday, the Lord spoke to me about some unpacking of my own that I need to do.

My bag is a backpack though, and it's one the the Lord gave me revelation about as I was walking out of church. Unlike the traditional parable of the backpack of sin, the Lord was speaking to me about different baggage I have been carrying, a bag full of offense. This particular backpack is between me and one person in my life, who for a very long time I have felt wounded and offended by. And I have come to the point that I have realized, I just can't carry this weight around with me anymore.

I have tried many times over the years to lay the backpack down. I have heaved it off my shoulder and said to the Lord, "here you go, it's all yours" and tried to walk away. But what I have come to realize, is that the backpack is mine to keep, but the weights that are inside are what need to be removed, and the only way to do it is by pulling them out and laying them down, one stone at a time.

I don't know what it is about these "rocks," maybe they're more aptly referred to as coals, because even when I take them out and look at them, they still burn. It's like it brings the wound right back to the surface. But the Lord has asked me to unpack them, and trusting in his patience, I have asked Him if we could do it slowly. That way, when I lay down the stone, I can really leave it behind. Once I leave it at His feet, the deal is, I can never even mention it again.

So the Lord and I sat down together and I pulled open my sack. There on the top was a large offense, once I have been carrying for a long time. I looked at it and said, "It's not fair, if I give you that one, they're getting away with something that is really wrong." And I pushed it down deeper in the bag. I rooted around and found a different stone, it was littler, and if I looked deep enough, I knew there was another one very similar to it. This wound had been a "repeat offense." So I handed it to Him. "There," I said, "I won't ever bring that one up again. And then I closed my pack.

I sat there holding on to my pack, and I could feel the Lord watching me. And He asked me, "Do you know what I require of you?" The verse played immediately in my mind, it was fresh.

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

"Yes Lord," I said, "I know, You told me this before."

I am loving justice, and in that decision, I am not walking humbly before Him. Maybe I'm not even really walking at all, at best I am lumbering behind Him, at worst, I am completely stuck right where I'm at.

But I wasn't ready to move further. One rock at a time was what I had agreed to, and I had given Him the only rock I was willing to let go of.

Later that day, there was a new rock. "See!" I said, "How am I EVER supposed to unpack this when every time I give you something, they give me another rock to replace it?"

This rock wasn't really mine though, it had been handed to my husband. If I am honest, a lot of the rocks I am carrying may have been put in there from his hand to mine. As I looked at this one though, the Lord asked, "Are you sure that's an offense?"

It's offensive, but it's not really an offense against me. Truth be told, it's probably not even an offense against Neal. The Lord said, "You've become quite the collector of those rocks. You have come to the point that you wouldn't miss one that even resembles the real thing. And the problem is, you have been pointing them out to others too. Neal might have just walked past this one, but he's been listening to you for a long time." And it isn't just Neal.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Offended people are easily offended." And some of us even like to spread the wealth.

I flipped open my bag, "But look Lord, some of these rocks, they're are legitimately wrong, personal and offensive." He just looked, and nodded.

And I moved them around inside the bag, "And look at all these, these little ones, all the times I have confronted the issue, or tried only to be belittled based on their power and position. I've been put in my place. And do You see the justifications???" And I flipped the top back closed.

Monday morning at our house ensued with a slight panic. My daughter couldn't find her glasses. Using them only for distance, she doesn't wear them all the time, for the most part they are in her backpack or in her desk at school. When she couldn't find them, she panicked with accusation about the carelessness of her brother. I grabbed her backpack and started to rustle through it.

Every day I write notes on the bottoms of my kids' sack lunches, and Victoria, my future hoarder and sentimental child doesn't throw them away. Sweet sentiment, but as I rooted through, I found one of the bags had exploded with a cup of yogurt that should have been thrown away. It's been a good couple of weeks since I even had yogurt in the house, so clearly, this was not a good sign. I had to get a trash bag and towels and had to throw away all the notes and bags, including the one with the week old banana.

The word picture wasn't lost on me. That's the thing about these old offenses in my bag too, they're messy and rotten, and if you get close enough, the stench of them will stick on you. I know down deep inside of this backpack of mine, some of these offenses have exploded into an even bigger mess than they started, and the only one dealing with the mess and the stink of it, is me.

I am still holding the bag. "It isn't fair," I keep repeating. "I want justice!" Because the truth is, I love justice, or my interpretation of it anyway.

"But I want you to love mercy," the Lord says, "and to do justly."

Oh how hard it is to know that what is hindering you is the very thing you are holding on to. I know I have to unpack. The backpack has a purpose, and I believe if I empty it out of the things I put in there that I shouldn't have, the Lord has better things for me to carry.

But it's hard. But I am determined. I do not care for the kink in my walk that this undo weight has created. As much as I would like to throw the stones back to where they came from, the only thing that will create is pain in new places, like a sore pitching arm.

There is only one place to lay down the weights, and it's at the foot of His cross. A place I am familiar with, a place where mercy flows. I know, because buried there are my own offenses, offenses not only against others, but most especially, against God, Himself. I love that mercy, but that mercy doesn't exist by itself, I can not hog it to myself. If it is good for me, it has to be good for those who have hurt me, even the one who has hurt me repeatedly. Because if it's no good for them, then it's no good for me either.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their trespasses,
neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15

Sigh. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. But I am more concerned with not being able to walk out the consequences if I don't. For now I am sitting here, at the foot of the cross, me and my backpack. It may take a while, but I'm not moving from this place until I finally get it unpacked, once and for all.

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:37-38

As much as my bent is to love justice, I love the Lord more, and I am determined to do things His way, doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly before Him, in Jesus name.



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If I had said

There is a verse in the Bible that has been echoing through my mind continually. It's from Psalm 73:15 and the part that has been playing over and over says, "If I had said, 'I will speak thus,'” It stuck so clearly in my mind. I was familiar with the gist of what came next, but I finally had to go look it up to remind myself exactly.

If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
Behold, I would have been untrue to the generation of Your children.

Ouch.

I have been struggling so these past few days. Old hurts have been nagged at again, hurts that I continually battle to put behind me, and repeatedly rise to the surface. The words that came to my mind today were, "I close my eyes to worship You, and all I can see is the injustices before me." It sums up so well the struggle of my heart.

The battle has been exacerbated by both the difficulty of circumstance and the silence of God. In my heart of hearts, I long to serve, to be faithful, to be used, and to use my gifts to honor Him. But there are a long list of unanswered prayers. My pastor spoke recently about "no's" and "wait's" as answers to our requests before God, and in our growth group at church, we talked about how hard it is to discern whether we have been told clearly no, or if we are just in a season of wait. It is a difficult place to be. At times, it is a painful place to be, and when you feel as though you have been there a very long time, weariness sets in.

Just a couple of nights ago, I spoke "thus" to a dear and trusted friend of mine. I told her I was ready to give up. I was ready to walk away from all the things I believe the Lord has called me to do. I am no longer certain about what God has asked of me. I no longer know what it is He wants me to do. He told me to write, and I have been obedient in that for nearly three years, and most days I feel more concerned with people tiring of my sharing than I hope for it to actually be used of God. Even those closest to me don't read most of what I write, and in my heart I suspect most people have gotten to the place of disregard when I write and share.

Words. They are both a gift from the Lord and a curse to me. I know the Lord has given me a talent with words. My mother used to say I could paint pictures with my words. I came from a family of actual artists, and that word "picture" aptly described what the Lord has enabled me to do. When I speak about spiritual truths, the Lord shows them to me in my mind as a parable, and then I get to do the same with others. It's a blessing.

Recently though, a friend came and sat along beside me and asked me if I new the latest gossip on a matter. She came she said because she was certain I would have heard something, and she was right, I had. It has both haunted me and convicted me since. My intention is never to be the talebearer in that way, but my talent for words sometimes works against me. "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise." Proverbs 10:19. A scripture I know well in my mind, but not always well in my actions.

These fast few days, however, I was doing my best to restrain my lips. Because what I wanted to say was "I give up. There is no hope or promise for the dreams in my heart to come true." I wanted to quit writing, no blogs, no Examiner, no book. I wanted to walk away from the gift of the words God has given me. What I wanted to say was "Hope has become too painful, and I don't want to hold onto it anymore." What my heart was screaming was to abandon ship, let go of the dreams I have hidden in my heart for so very long, because I do not believe my God for them anymore." However, if I had, Behold, I would have been untrue to the generation of Your children. So for the sake of those around me, I kept my mouth shut.

I once had someone tell me that when I express fear or doubt, it scares her. She made a statement along the lines of, "If you are afraid, how can I have faith?" I thought to myself, "how did I ever get up on this pedestal?" Why would she think I never have doubts and fears? The fact is, I'm full of them. And in the last few days, the depth of them got so deep, I thought I might drown in them.

Then I started thinking about another verse from the same Psalm that warned me about speaking out the pain and confusion in my heart. In verse 25 it says, Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.

As much as hope hurts for me, and as much as my dreams and gifts feel more like a burden than a blessing these days, how can I abandon them when they were given to me for the purpose of serving the Lord, and hopefully bringing Him glory? And the truth is that in my denial of their purpose, I was denying both His sovereignty and His power.

This morning as I was leaving church, the Lord showed me a word picture. It's a popular picture actually, I saw a backpack I had been carrying, but instead of the traditional rocks of sin, mine were rocks of offense against me. I have had some hard hurts, and the truth is, the source of them probably won't ever change. I seem to have a lot of people in my life who by power and position don't have to acknowledge or can even justify harms they have inflicted. But the truth is, the only one carrying the offenses is me. And I felt like the Lord said, they have weighed me down so severely that it is time for He and I to sit together and unpack every offense, one at a time and lay them at the foot of the cross. It's the only way when I close my eyes to worship Him, I will only see Him. It is not going to be easy, the Lord may have to pry some of the hurts right out of my hands, but I must determine not to let them hinder me anymore.

This morning before church, I was praying and asking the Lord what he requires of me. This verse came to my mind:

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

What I realized was that I have been loving justice. I have been waiting on Him to show me the justice I desire. And what occurred to me was that I need to love mercy. Not only the mercy I receive, but also the mercy He bestows on those who have hurt me. As for justice, well, it is my job to do it, not expect it. I hope that revelation is part of walking in humility.

This morning at the end of his sermon my pastor was talking about exactly this, he said, "God's mercy has frustrated believers for generations," and it's true. I would dare to say His sovereignty is also exasperating at times. Waiting on Him and believing even when hope hurts is hard, but what else can we do? The Lord is.

And I am not.

My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26



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The War of Self Talk

I know I promised part two to my Bezalel post, and I will get to it, because God really did show me some awesome things, but it will have to wait for another day, because this morning, the depth of that message is faded a little today, because I am struggling.

I don't really care for the term "self talk" because it wreaks all too mightily of a psychology term, and well, I'm not a big fan of Psychology. Hear me out, it is "man's study of man" and so to me that indicates it is inherently flawed. My bigger issue is how often it gets equated with Biblical truth, and it's not, not even close. But I digress, and that's not the point of this blog.

"Self talk," it's the sound of my own voice inside of my head. The fact is, it is the loudest voice in my life. It's constant. I hear the sound of my own voice all the time.

This morning I would like to cover my internal voice's proverbial mouth with a big piece of duct tape just to shut it up.

It's just a (relatively) typical Saturday morning. It's Ethan's birthday, so that makes it special, but he and his dad are off on a birthday morning excursion. Jake's away at camp, so Just V and I are here in the house. She got up and made herself breakfast and is in watching TV (though she should be cleaning her room) and I got up and did my devotional time and started my day.

Part of my daily devotional is writing in a journal to the Lord. I tend to get distracted when I pray, and this is where I focus and talk to Him about my life, my feelings and thoughts. It's where I whine to Him, cry to Him, thank Him, ask Him, praise Him. It's where I take all the thoughts and talk in my head and I turn it towards Him.

So this morning as I wrote in my journal it was full of doubts and concerns. There was probably some whining, but it wasn't extensive. I just poured my heart out to Him, and today, my heart is struggling.

After that I got up and started getting a load of laundry together. I only have a few things that fit right now, because I threw away all my "fat clothes" when I lost all kinds of weight. But I've put on a lot of it, so my thinner clothes don't fit again and I'm sort of stuck in this middle weight limbo. As I filled the laundry basket I told myself what an idiot and a failure I am for putting 23 lbs back on. I'm mad at me, because I was doing something right, and then I stopped. And then I started doing something wrong. And now I feel stuck. What a loser.

Yesterday we got hit with a HUGE unexpected expense. Our refrigerator died, and it cost over a $1000 dollars to get a new one, with a decent warranty (using the term "decent" very loosely there.) The whole process was stressful, we lost all kinds of groceries and we had to get it home in the truck in the rain. My dad and Neal had to work hard to get it in the house, removing doors, risking their backs, and it still got damaged getting it in too, so we paid a $1000 and we messed it up already (and it was from an outlet with a little damage to begin with.) So my self talk is questioning whether or not I have done something to displease the Lord.

When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
Psalm 37:23 NCV

This verse was in my reading this morning, and all i could think was, I'm trying to follow the Lord, but it doesn't feel like He is pleased with me. Could this just be "life"? Probably, but my self talk always looks to my own fault in everything. Am I not a good enough steward with what I've been given? Does this unexpected expense translate into discipline for not taking good care of our money? For not being faithful enough? This is where my mind goes. This is the self-talk I hear in my head.

It's very accusatory. Do you hear it? It accuses against me, BIG TIME, and it accuses against God too. My self talk is an accuser. Go google that, go google "the accuser." Go... I'll wait....

....

Did you do it? Did you see? Who did Google say is "the accuser?" It said the same thing as my Bible says, "The accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accused them day and night before our God has been thrown down." Revelation 12:10. Unfortunately that "throw down" is still prophecy yet to be filled, and so right now, Satan goes on accusing.

I don't know how or if to argue specifically that the enemy of my soul is in my head, but I do know he is the god (little g) of this world and because I am living in his world I undoubtedly have the power to be influenced by it, and therefore, by him. And I think my self talk, is rooted in the wrong place today.

The good news is that there is an answer.

We do live in the world, but we do not fight in the same way the world fights. We fight with weapons that are different from those the world uses.
Our weapons have power from God that can destroy the enemy's strong places. We destroy people's arguments and every proud thing that raises itself against the knowledge of God.
We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NCV

Capture those little boogers of thoughts who are running off in all different directions being defiant disobedient snots. Grab them by the tail and bring them back to obedience. Sounds so simple, but if you read the passage closely you will realize that the process is actually a part of an act of war. We're taking the enemy down, and we're doing it in his own territory. There's only one way to accomplish that, you've got to be armed to the max.

Enter God's armor:

So stand strong, with the belt of truth tied around your waist and the protection of right living on your chest. On your feet wear the Good News of peace to help you stand strong. And also use the shield of faith with which you can stop all the burning arrows of the Evil One. Accept God's salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God's people.Ephesians 6:14-18

Never give up. Days it feels like there will never be any rest. I am in a season of those days. The battle is intense, and some days much of it is in my head. So I've got to armor up for the fight.

Belt of truth - there is no room for any deception, half truth, darkness or deceit.

Right living - when you're in the army, you have to obey orders, follow the leader, remember Who is in charge.

Good News - where it on your feet? That's right be moving forward sharing the gospel of truth.

Faith - our shield. What has always struck me about the "shield of faith" is that it is the one piece of our defensive armor that can move. Every other thing that protects is fastened very specifically. But your faith, you move that wherever the enemy is shooting his arrows, even when it's inside your own head.

Salvation - Keep it clear in your head,always, if you belong to the Lord, you belong to the Lord and He sees you through Christ. Your salvation is secure.

The sword of the Spirit, the Word - can I just say it? I love my Sword. Madly and passionately, I love God's word. My mathematical brain rejoices in the simplicity of all the "if, then's" of God's Word, and so very many of the "If's" have been fulfilled by the Lord, so "then" based on Him, I have so many promises to hold.

How I long to be a skilled swordswoman. Sometimes I am. And sometimes, I leave my sword over on the side of my bed while I am stuffing dirty clothes in laundry basket and get hit with an attack I'm not ready for. And the Bible says, you must always be ready and never give up. Oh yeah, and then there's that real critical instruction to Pray!

Is there a battle going on in your brain? Are you accusing yourself? Worse, are you accusing God or His character?" It's a battle, a huge one in the spiritual realm, and whether or not you realized you signed up for this war, you are in it. Armor up, and respond to the accusations with the Truth (capital T). Crack open the case and pull out your sword. Speak the Word of Truth, to yourself and to the world around you. We're going to take the enemy down, and we're going to do it on his own turf. Shut that sucker up, let's take some ground.

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