Do it anyway?

Following is hard. Signing on to be the follower might even be considered a little nuts. That's what I think sometimes when I look at the military. I'm so glad for the people who sign up, but I think to myself, "I could never do that." The blind obedience that is required-- you pretty much give up all your rights. Where you go, what you do, even what you eat, all those things are decided for you. It's little like going to prison, though honorable, and the uniforms are definitely cooler. But you cannot discount the similarities and I have thought more than once, "I could never do it."

And then I think, is following Christ so very different? Because it shouldn't be. Much like those who enlist in the military who make a pledge to follow and agree to unconditional obedience, that's what following Jesus ought to resemble.

The bible says it like this, "bought at a price." When we say "yes" to Jesus we pretty much sign over the rights to our lives to Him. There's a popular Christian song right now that says something to the effect of "Where You go, I'll go; where You stay, I'll stay; when You move, I'll move, I will follow You." That's what saying "yes" to Jesus is supposed to be like.

And when I think about that, I think to myself, the military might be easier. Because in the military if you fail to "follow" the consequence is swift. You'll know it quickly, and you'll suffer accordingly. Getting back on track is something I'd be swiftly convinced to agree to. Not following would bring greater suffering than following, and I would acquiesce.

And in the military, I suspect the objective is clearer. Goals are defined, the desired result is more clear. I cannot always say the same when following Jesus, at least not in the way I would like to have goals, results and objectives clearly defined. In the military the picture is narrow, in Christ,the vision is broad, more broad than I can even comprehend.

Sometimes God asks us me to do things, and I don't understand. I look and I don't see the results I think I should, and I wonder why I'm doing them.

When you don't see an impact, do you do it anyway?
When you don't see a benefit, do you do it anyway?
When you can't grasp the purpose, do you do it anyway?

These are the questions I find myself struggling with.

I wrote a book. It's a good book, a story that I know has purpose and needs to be told. But I sell a couple dozen and then it seems like nothing else comes of it. And I wonder, what I felt while I was writing, the leading, the directing, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was it Him? Or was it just me?

Passion, purpose, talents and gifts-- all coming together, is it God's hand? His plan? Where are the results?
Are lives being touched?
Is it providing for my family?
Is it making an impact?

If I don't have the answers, or if the answer seems to be "no," do I do it anyway?

If it magnifies what seems NOT be happening and NOT going right in my life, but He still seems to be leading, directing, inspiring-- do I do it anyway?

I'm writing my second book-- more to the story of the first book that's "out there,"-- maybe or maybe not making a difference. It has social value, and the potential to touch a life, but I may never see it. So do I do it anyway?

The real question is, "how do I not?"

God leads, I have to follow, even if I don't understand. He never promised that I would. Even if I don't benefit, because it's not really about me. Because it might minister-- even to just one, and that is by definition what ministry is, at least the way Jesus did it.

So do I do it anyway? Yes, I must. Because it's all about Him. And if it brings Him any glory, then it was worth it.

And when I'm wondering why I'm doing it, that's what I need to remember, because following in obedience-- that honors Him.

The Hallway to Grace

On the way to work I was on the freeway and this arrogant guy cut me off. He came onto the freeway and cut across like four lanes and cut right in front of me. Then he pulled over into another lane and sped off as quick as lightning. Had to be some young jerk who thought he owned the road.

After work I was headed to get Jake from school and the car in front of me was going a good 15 miles an hour slower than the rest of traffic. Totally oblivious to the flow of traffic, the woman just drove at her own pace without any regard for the rest of us on the freeway. She had to have been too old to have had any business driving on the freeway. She was undoubtedly a menace- to herself and the rest of us.

But wait.

What if the guy in the morning was a young father who just got a call from his wife that their baby was sick? His wife was in a panic, the little one was having trouble breathing and she was begging him to meet her at the hospital right away.

And the woman. What if her car started to make a funny rattle just as she pulled onto the freeway. Elderly and frightened, she didn't want to get stuck on the freeway alone, so she was driving as slowly and carefully as possible just trying to get to the next exit, praying all the way.

The truth is, we don't know. But for me at least, my inclination is too often to assume the worst. I look at what I see on the surface, and I make assumptions like I shared in the initial descriptions of these common scenarios.

What about when these "freeway-type scenarios" happen in every day life? Maybe it's not in your car that you feel cut-off or disregarded, but rather in your "merging moments" in life. A friend cuts the conversation short when you call? A casual acquaintance doesn't acknowledge you when you cross paths in the grocery store. Someone passes you in the hall at church and doesn't say hello. Which direction do you go as you read into the situation?

Have your actions or intentions ever been misunderstood? Have you ever been denied the benefit of the doubt? It's not a very good feeling. I know how that feels, and yet I find myself so often guilty of denying others the same as well.

Is it a courtesy? A gift? I know for me, I hold onto it like a treasure. The truth is, I find it difficult to offer it to most. It's easier with strangers, or people I don't know well than it is with people I do. Why? What is it that makes us (me?) experts on others that causes me to hold back the benefit of the doubt. Why is the inclination to the negative?

Maybe it actually is deserving. Maybe often, even most often, people don't really deserve the benefit of the doubt. But you know what I have begun to realize? When I hold back the benefit of the doubt, I not only potentially harm the other person, but I harm myself as well. When I hold back the benefit of the doubt, it's as though I am shutting the door to grace.

I want to be a woman of grace. Someone once spoke a word of prophecy over me about "a posture of grace," and it has stuck with me, mostly because I know I'm not there yet. I want to be, but I'm not. But perhaps the "benefit of the doubt" is the key that opens the first door to a hallway that actually ends with me becoming a woman of grace.

This I know, there is far more freedom in assuming the best about others. Too often when I take hold of and dwell on a perceived offense, I weigh myself down just as much, if not more, than I attach a weight to the other person.

I know there's a risk. Assuming the best about others and giving people the benefit of the doubt- the treasure of it- opens the door to getting hurt, or being made a fool of. But it's a risk worth taking, because it's a choice of not only grace, but of love.

I do believe the hallway to being a woman of grace is long; and there are probably dozens of doorways along the way that will try to distract and deter me from the destination, but it's a start, and the key that opens the door to this path is simple- don't be so quick to judge, so quick to assume, so quick to decide- but rather, leave room for the grace, and in a loving way, CHOOSE to give others the treasure, the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe this post was just a good reminder for me, but maybe not.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us hold on to grace. By it, we may serve God acceptably, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
Hebrews 12:28-29

The Battle Rages On

I find great comfort in the writings of Paul the apostle. Although I associate better with Peter, typically (he's so limber like me- always putting his foot in his mouth) the writer in Paul connects to my spirit. Romans chapter 7, in particular, gives me hope and encouragement.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Romans 7:21-24

And the fact that Paul prayed three times for God to remove some undefined "thorn is his flesh to which God's reply was: "NO." He assured Paul His grace was sufficient.

I reposted on my Facebook today a blog from November of 2009. It was about anxiety, and the constant battle I have had with is since 2004. Here we are in 2012 and it is still a nemesis. It's, perhaps not as powerful as it used to be. I am certainly able to call it out and recognize it for what it is, which in reality is a HUGE first step in the battle. (Think of little David calling out big old Goliath as the "uncircumcised Philistine," who had no shot against the him with the Living God on his side.)

But there is something disheartening in the fact that the battle keeps coming back around, a little different, and yet somewhat the same. And for me, I see this with many of my "constant battles." They seem chronic. So when I read Paul's words, the man God chose to use more than possibly any other person ever on the planet, it gives me hope. Because what I understand from my reading here, is that it's not so much the battle that I define that's chronic, but it is the battle that is "the flesh," that is lifelong.

Today in the news there is talk about the fact that Josh Hamilton, MLB outfielder for the Texas Rangers has been seen drinking in bars. I've read Josh's book, and seen his I Am Second video, and the man has had a radical experience with Christ, and been blessed tremendously, and yet, his battle rages on too. You can click on the link of his video and hear him say for himself, HE KNOWS BETTER, and he knows that just one drink is a slippery slope for him toward decisions that could end his career. The first line in the video says in effect, "drugs and alcohol, I never used one without the other," so for him, just a beer in a bar is NOT, "no big deal."

When I told my kids this morning about Josh so we could pray for him, my Jake's response was "He should go watch his 'I Am Second video'," and Jake was right, he needs to remember where he has come from, and be reminded this is a battle he cannot fight on his own. I imagine he too would appreciate Paul's words above. I just hope his desire match's Paul's as well, and that whatever caused him to drink on Monday, he wants Christ more.

Josh makes reference to a particular scripture in his video that is appropriate for any of us to remember as we struggle and fight our own personal battles "of the flesh." Whether it is an issue of alcohol and drug abuse like Josh Hamilton, or something considered more benign like food, or something emotional like anxiety or anger, it's important to recall that we have an enemy of our souls who is studying our weaknesses with one purpose, to destroy us. If he cannot destroy our lives or our salvation, he will find some satisfaction is destroying our witness to the world around us.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
James 4:7

Sometimes in our minds,I think, we think of "resistance" as some sort of defense mechanism. I can picture someone backed in a corner slapping or striking at someone coming at them. But I don't think this is the kind of resistance referenced here. I think it's far more proactive. It's a pushing back, started perhaps even before the attack begins. And it's done in submission to God, which to me speaks of abiding, praying, meditating on God's word. I know Josh Hamilton has had many "safety nets" in place since his sobriety (though this is his 2nd public slip) and I know recently his accountability partner moved away and the position not yet refilled. It speaks volumes about how we cannot get comfortable in the "status quo" of things when they seem to be going well. The bible describes Satan as a lion prowling about- waiting to pounce. And I suspect it's that moment that we relax in confidence, like Josh thinking, "One drink won't hurt," that the enemy comes out claws drawn.

I know for me the anxiety always comes first thing in the morning because I am in that sleepy unfocused state. To battle it back I have to engage immediately with the Word and use it to resist the sense of fear that tries to overwhelm me.

The battle rages on. Diligence is required in this Walk of Faith, because if we are not focused, we risk falter. And in that moment that we do, the enemy is ready to capitalize. Not for a moment should we ever consider ourselves to have "arrived" to a place where we can get by in the battles of life. If we don't keep the constant mindset that we are in battle, we will never find the victory God has called us to. And most important of all is to remember that that victory is never of our own doing, but is always in our relationship with Christ.

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.
And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
Who is he who overcomes the world,
but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?
1 John 5:4-5

Stand firm, be diligent, resist your enemy- fight the good fight submitted to the Lord, and say a prayer for Josh Hamilton that the Spirit of God would rise up in him and help him do the same, in Jesus' name!

Skiing the Mount - Micah 6:8

Sometimes I wish there was a "red phone" like I remember in old cartoons and movies, where if it rang, it meant it was "THE" call you had been waiting for, the answer you needed. But there is no red phone on the path of this walk of faith, because by definition faith has an element of the unknown. Believing in what we SEE isn't faith at all. It's the confidence in the unseen that is what our faith is made of.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

My journals are full of questions, me asking the Lord for answers and direction. Last year I found myself asking the Lord over and over what He wanted from me, what He required of me, and over and over again, the same scripture would come into my mind. It's probably written in last year's journals at least two dozen times:

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

So simple and yet so challenging. They're all twisted together. And though simply stated, they are not the easiest commands to walk out.

Doing justly is perhaps, in a way, the step I struggle the least with. I see the world in a very black and white way, right is right and wrong is wrong. I think "shades of gray" are over stated. But there in my "doing justly" I have already begun to stumble in both "loving mercy" and "walking humbly." Because when you are "doing right," or perhaps I should say when I am "doing right," I look around and think to myself how that ought to be the case for everyone else as well. And I even begin to look highly on myself for my doing, and the walking with humility has gone completely by the way side. I've slipped down the slope already.

I was reading Romans 14 the other day, and I had an a-ha moment:

So then, we must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another. Do not tear down God’s work because of food. Everything is clean, but it is wrong for a man to cause stumbling by what he eats. It is a noble thing not to eat meat, or drink wine, or do anything that makes your brother stumble. Do you have a conviction? Keep it to yourself before God. The man who does not condemn himself by what he approves is blessed. But whoever doubts stands condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from a conviction,and everything that is not from a conviction is sin.
Romans 14:19-23

There's a truth here about doing justly. I can only define with certainty what "doing justly" means for myself, I cannot not be certain of what it means for another. But if God places a conviction in my heart, then I must be obedient to it, if I do not, then I am guilty of sin.

Now mind you, I am NOT expanding shades of gray. Much of life is STILL very black and white. Sin IS sin, even if not all conviction is conviction. For example, my husband and I don't drink alcohol, at all, ever. It's our conviction that drinking alcohol is wrong. For us it is. But we know many other Christians who do not hold our conviction. They like a bottle of wine with dinner, or a beer after work, not drinking is not their conviction. It doesn't make us better Christians (which is actually impossible to be.) Drinking may be defined by conviction, but getting drunk on the other hand is not. The Bible states VERY clearly, DO NOT GET DRUNK. So getting drunk is a sin for all.

I also find myself often struggling with mercy. I like to see people get what they deserve. Yes, I said it. I am a "justice minded" person, and when I see someone continuing in sin. If I found out (hypothetically) that someone who was getting drunk regularly was going to jail for drunk and disorderly or for a DUI, mercy would not be my first inclination, my thought would be "Well, GOOD. Now perhaps they will wake up/ wise up/ sober up and make better choices." That isn't merciful. And I would struggle with the situation if someone got off with a slap on the hand or a warning, I would not find myself loving mercy. But God says I should. And again, when I don't, I am NOT walking humbly with my God.

I am a work in process (as we all are,) and I am trying so hard to find the manner in which to walk this Truth out. Recently the Lord reminded me that if there is mercy for me, there must be mercy for all. When I demand justice, I make myself subject to it as well. If I want others to get "exactly what they deserve" when they wrong me, or someone I love, I have to ask myself, "am I willing to get exactly what I deserve?" Or would I prefer to live under the grace and mercy that I've personally traded for justice. If it's good for me, it has to be good for others as well.

This scripture, like so many is simply stated. It's beautiful and clear and its purpose is evident. It's like strapping on a set of skis. I look at them, I know how they work, I have seen others ski and I mentally "get" what I need to do, but when I put the, on for myself I stumble, struggle, fall down and fail. It is awkward and difficult. There is nothing "natural" about it. So what do you do? You keep getting up, and doing it over again and again and again, until what you mentally understand that you need to do becomes natural to do. It won't be perfect, there will always be falls, and you have to watch out for the obstacles and terrain that make it more difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

That's where I am, trying to learn how to ski this simple mountain, that really isn't so simple at all. Mount Micah - here I come... again. Maybe I won't fall down so many times today.

Heart Surgery

Submission, worship and prayer.

These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.

It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.

It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.

It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.

But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.

So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.

As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.

I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.

It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.

There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.

I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.

I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.

It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.

Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.

I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).

I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.

Do Discipline

Discipline isn't discipline when there is no restoration, it's punishment. And punishment isn't a godly example in any way shape or form.

This holds true whether you are disciplining as a parent, a pastor or a boss. If you never restore the one you have "disciplined" then you have completely missed the point of the discipline in the first place, and in all likelihood done far more harm than good.

If the one who is under the discipline walks away feeling condemned rather than convicted then you have to take a hard look at the process, more so than the person. It is the one who is in the position of authority over another who has the greater responsibility, not the one who needs the discipline. In reality, so often as leaders (parents, pastors, teachers, bosses) the reason for necessary discipline can in many ways be traced back to a lack of instruction. As the same authority who is responsible for the instruction as the discipline, we need to take a hard look at what we can do to correct what caused the fault/ failure/ sin in the first place.

The key to good discipline is love. And it isn't evaluated by how the one who doing the discipline INTENDS it, the love is defined by the one who receives it. Now granted this isn't a foolproof litmus test, some people don't receive correction well. The Bible describes those kind of people as "fools," but again, that would indicate a greater burden would fall to the one who is wise, the one who's job it is to correct, and to discipline.

A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
Proverbs 15:5

I believe this passage refers not only to actual physical parents, but spiritual parents as well (pastors, elders, teachers).

The origin of discipline is in the Lord, more specifically, in the LOVE of the Lord.

My son, do not despise the chastening (discipline) of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
For whom the LORD loves He chastens (disciplines),
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
Hebrews 12:5-6
But discipline always, always, ALWAYS should come with RESTORATION. I think of when Peter "sinned" against Jesus in his denial of Christ. It's an account in in the 21st chapter in the Book of John, and sincerely, for many reasons, it is one of my favorite stories in the Bible, including what I see in restoration. Three times Peter denied knowing Christ. It's an interesting dichotomy here of Christ's prophecy of it, could it have been a warning? If it was, it was one that Peter blazed right past. (I love that Peter, he gives me hope!) But either way, Peter committed the sin, and three times he denied Christ.

Peter's discipline was the natural consequence of the guilt and pain of committing the sin. (Sometimes, natural consequences, a parent's disappointment, seeing the pain one has inflicted IS sufficient discipline, other times a harsher consequence must be added on-- whole other blog post.) The reality is, Peter sinned THREE times, THREE denials of knowing Christ. And when Jesus came to the side of the sea and called out to Peter on the boat, I can't begin to imagine Pete's joy, because he saw standing there on the side of the sea, a second chance, of that I am certain. Old Pete put on his coat and dove right in to swim after it.

Next comes, to me, one of the most tender scenes in all the Bible. As Jesus sits down and has a conversation with Peter. I think there was more discipline here, because he asked Peter hard questions about whether or not Peter truly loved Him, and poor Peter felt the weight of his failure, but for the restoration of his failures, Jesus told him THREE times, to get back to doing what Christ had called him to in the first place, “Feed My lambs.” “Tend My sheep.” “Feed My sheep."

Oh glorious God, I could bawl my eyes out right here reading it! That is true restoration, restoring one to be able to serve and walk out his or her faith in the Lord! How many wounded walk away never to find their place in the family again because someone has not disciplined properly, and instead they have added to the list of the bitter and wounded, those hurt "by the church." The heart of God is not in the discipline, it is in the restoration! And that alone is the sole purpose of the discipline in the first place!!

We have to grab hold of this people. This is Truth, and as parents, pastors, leaders, teachers, we need to remember the power and responsibility to discipline another should be worn as a weighty burden, not lorded over others, but carried with fear and trembling. And if we are EVER called to do it, we have not done it properly unless we have completed the process with restoration.

Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
Galatians 6:1-3

The heard of God is always in the redemption, and the redemption is found only in the restoration. Praise be to the God who restores and redeems, let us each seek to be like Him.

Famine

"Go hungry, so children don't have to." That was the challenge brought before our church. Honestly I was excited to be a part of a body that was coming together in sacrifice and determination to meet an immediate need for starving children. I'd never received that kind of invitation before. Of course I have heard requests for fundraising, been solicited to donate or help out people in need, but this was different. This was the first time I felt like I was given an invitation to truly participate, and get a (very small)glimpse into their need.

Neal and I are World Vision sponsors. We sponsor two different children, a boy, Jose, who lives in the Dominican Republic, and a girl, Rahel Juju who lives in Tanzania. Each of them are the same ages as Ethan and Victoria respectively. We do help these children, our support makes their world different, and World Vision is an amazing organization. At our church our pastor is currently doing a series on the book "A Hole in Our Gospel," which is written by the president of World Vision, Richard Stearns. But the fact is, I don't even see my payment go to World Vision. It's an automatic payment that it withdrawn monthly from our bank account, it's just a part of our budget, and I don't even give it much more consideration than being aware of it when I balance our checking account. It by no means diminishes what the money does for those children, but I am realizing it has diminished what it does in my heart.

It was only for 24 hours. Eat an early dinner on Thursday night and a late dinner on Friday, and honestly it was only two meals we were asking to say "no" to. The goal was to take whatever money you would have spent on eating out or groceries and donate it to feed children in the Philippines instead.

I was excited because for the first time in 20 years Neal wanted to participate in a fast. I was so excited when I looked over in church a couple weeks ago and saw him check the box. The truth is, the things we've been hearing on Sunday mornings lately have been stirring both our hearts. We're coming to realize that maybe our faith hasn't been all it could be. Maybe in the "circle" of our lives, we were a little more center than either Christ or others, and that is, in essence, the HOLE in our gospel.

We decided to participate as a family. Giving up food isn't easy. Headaches, crankiness, but we were being asked to catch a glimpse, a tiny little glimpse of what millions experience daily. I couldn't have my 9 and 10 year old go to school without food. The reality is, I don't think the school would allow them to go the whole day without. I have on more than one occasion been charged for a $6 "emergency meal" because my kids forgot their lunches on the counter at home. So the children's breakfast and lunch were going to be rice and a little but of canned tuna. It was the closest I could come up with to be the equivalent of what the kids in feeding centers are finding to be a blessing and a bounty. I was hoping to create a little gratitude in the heart of my kids. As for their part in the challenge, the children's ministry was participating in a canned food drive for local families who are battling their own form of famine and need.

There were two things that really stuck with me about the day yesterday. The first was late Thursday night when I was preparing the bowls of rice for my kids. As I tried to find a balance of not giving them "too much" to diminish the insight for them, I thought about what it must be like for the mother finds herself wondering how to find enough. Here I was trying to figure out how not to give my kids too much. I can't imagine what it must be like trying figure out how to make something from nothing.

The second thing that really struck me was how hard it was to avoid food. Jacob came to work with Neal and I that day, and the thing I was most aware of was how much food there was to say no too. There was popcorn and chips to choose from on top of the refrigerator, a salad and yogurt inside of it. There was a box of Gingerbread Men in my desk drawer that I joked about them mocking me all day. It was hard to avoid food. I can't even begin to comprehend what it is to live in so much lack like the children we were trying to help.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit the revelation I was having. I'm not a cold-hearted or insensitive person. I DO care, that's why we are World Vision Sponsors, but my compassion lacked awareness. I'm excited to be a part of a place where I'm not allowed to be blinded to the needs of others any longer. There is pain in opening eyes to a light that it has been shaded from for many years, but it is better to see. Because only when we see can we make a difference. I feel like yesterday, my and my family's eyes were opened a little further to the truth of the needs of the world around us. I just pray I keep them open.

We when we gathered to break fast with communion last night, all of us were challenged to pray a prayer, "Break my heart, with what breaks Yours, Lord." I am praying that prayer now, and I hope it makes me a better tool in the hands of God to touch the world for Jesus. A small group of people raised enough money in a single day with a modicum of sacrifice to feed 185 children for a month! Why wouldn't we want to do that more?? We have the power to change the world, in Jesus' name!

The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern.
Proverbs 29:7


*** Want to help feed a starving child? Check out crosspointechurch.tv where you can click on "give" and designate to "Manna" or consider sponsoring a child at worldvision.org***

Fat

Have you ever eaten so much that you made yourself sick? Have you had the kind of meal that you ate so far beyond your capacity that it incapacitated you? Maybe a Thanksgiving dinner? Or a potluck? You've stuffed yourself full and you know you should stop but you don't? Have you ever made it your lifestyle? To the point that every time you step on the scale you've found the numbers going up a pound or two?

Physically, I think we've all done at least the meal. Some people like me can relate to fighting to overcome the bad habits of the lifestyle. Fat people live and eat differently than "naturally" thin people. For the thin, food is fuel, a stop in the road. For the fat, food is a destination, a place to get to. Whether you are fat or thin in body, you are one of these types of people in your head. You may have the will to overcome it, you may counter it as best you can with exercise and movement or by limiting what you take in, but if you are "fat-minded" food is still a destination and not a pit stop, and that means there is a problem, to be specific, a sin problem.

The food itself isn't the evil (truly thin people do not find themselves consumed with the count of every calorie, carb or fat gram.) The "evil" lies in the control that the food holds over us. It's the hidden spiritual issue that needs to be overcome, and probably why God listed "gluttony" as one of the seven deadly sins. I don't think He was expressing a concern about diabetes or high cholesterol, I think he was addressing "heart disease," and I don't just mean physically.

The tightening in my waistline has made me very aware of the physical ramifications of that kind of the fat-minded person's lifestyle, but only recently have I seen the depths of living that way spiritually. And I know I'm not the only one. Spiritually speaking it isn't "food" that makes us fat, but like the overeaten meal on Thanksgiving Day, it's the overabundance that incapacitates us. I think of Jesus' interaction with the rich young ruler in the gospel of Luke chapter 18:

18 Now a certain ruler asked Him, saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”
19 So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. 20 You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”[a]
21 And he said, “All these things I have kept from my youth.”
22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

I think this young man was spiritually "fat." He had stuffed himself so full, that he couldn't even move. He wanted to follow Jesus, but his overabundance of "satisfaction" kept him from being able to get off the couch.

I think when we get spiritually "fat" we lay aside our commission to become "fishers of men" and turn ourselves into keepers of an aquarium. Forgive the multitude of metaphors here, but we become so satisfied with what's on our own table, and in our own bellies, that we become completely oblivious to the starving just outside our door. And when I say starving, I refer both to those starving physically and those starving spiritually.

I don't think it's intentional, but I think it is the risk we run here in the American church with our abundance; and the "heart disease" that comes from spiritual gluttony is a huge issue we need to overcome. We sit and thank God for our bounty, but our memory of what it was to be hungry (physically and spiritually speaking) is so completely faded, that we don't really appreciate what we have. And instead of being satisfied with "enough," we overindulge, and even suffer a consequence for it with a stagnation that is easily ignored if you find yourself surrounded by other "fat-minded" people.

It's then that we become "aquarium keepers" rather than the "fishers of men" we were called to be. We get focused on wrong things. First off, we forget that what we "have" isn't really ours, and was never intended to lull us into a place of complacenncy. We get to thinking of ourselves as owners rather than stewards. Like in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), what God has given to us was intended to be multiplied. Not for the purpose of us having more, but for the purpose of furthering of His kingdom.

There is a need to become "spiritually thin." In Hebrews 12:1 the Bible tells us "let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us I think God is calling us to thin out, and cease to overindulge. We need to remember what it is to be spiritually hungry.

I know I have a habit of not allowing myself to find physical hunger, but only recently have I begun to realize how much I have been too "satisfied" spiritually for too long. One of the most obvious ways to realize you are "fat" is to be surrounded by thin people. Never am I more aware of my thick waistline than when I am standing next to a thin friend for a photograph. Likewise, what I am finding, is that when you enter into a place of "spiritually thin" people, it magnifies your awareness of being spiritually fat as well.

God has brought me into a place where I am suddenly surrounded by the spiritually thin (and interestingly enough, many of them seem pretty fit and thin physically as well) and all I can think is how much I want to get to that place. I want to get to the place where I am focused on fishing men, looking outside the confines of my aquarium.

I want to find my way back to physically thin, but never have I realized the need to get there spiritually as well. I want to touch the world for Christ, and point people to the cross. There's a world starvig out there, and it's time to get off the couch and do something about it.

Who I Want to Be

Who I want to be is someone who can be counted on.

I want my friends to say, "she was there through thick and thin," and I want my children to never have to question my word. "If mom said it, she'll do it." I want that to be the confidence of their heart.

Who I want to be is someone who is honest.

I want to be a person of integrity. I want someone to feel like they never have to question my character. I want people to say "You can believe Diana, if she said it had to be true."

Who I want to be is a person who loves.

I want people to know that I love them and accept them unconditionally, even when I disagree with them wholeheartedly. I want my kids to know no matter how bad they screw up, I will love them still. And I want my friends to know that even though I may say things they don't want to hear, our ability to agree to disagree is assurance for them even if we don't see eye to eye, I don't reject them.

Who I want to be is a person who encourages.

I want to be someone who sees the best in others and encourages them in their gifts and talents and cheers them on even when they are being stretched beyond their limitations. I want to be someone who recognizes gifts and beauty in others and not only sees it but acknowledges it.

Who I want to be is a person of faith.

I want to be a woman who always takes God at His word, and believes Him for all His promises, even when times are hard and things are tough. I want to be a woman who trusts confidently in the character of her God, and a woman who stands firm on His word.

Who I want to be is a person of hope.

I want ot be a person who looks at the future and sees all the potential it holds. I want to be a woman who lives in expectation of God's blessings and goodness.

Who I want to be is a reflection.

I want to reflect the love and hope and potential of the God I serve. I want to reflect the acceptance and grace of the Savior Who died for me. When people look at me, I want them to continually see less of me, and more of my Jesus.

I am not the person who I want to be, but I hope I am more like her today than I was yesterday, and I hope tomorrow the reflection and the resemblance to her will be even stronger.

I am grateful that the Lord is the one who will bring those things about, and that He alone is faithful to finish the good work he has begun.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

Adopted!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.
Ephesians 3:1-6

This passage of scripture was in my daily reading plan this morning, and it really touched my heart. It's not an unfamiliar passage to me, I have heard it probably hundreds of times, maybe even heard dozens of messages on it, but this morning, I don't know it really just struck a cord in my heart.

I have always said that for me at least, being a parent has been an awesome insight into what the heart of God is like. By no means am I successful in loving my children as perfectly and unconditionally as God loves His kids, but it is a glimpse. I do love my kids with all of my heart.

But as much as just being a "mom" shows me a little something about God's love, I have to say, having the privilege of being an adopted mom really is a revelation about God's heart for us all the more.

I think back to the 4 am phone call I received from Oklahoma that morning in February 2001. I wasn't there, my child was being born, but I was 1,300 miles away. There was just one thing to do, get to Oklahoma, and get to my son.

It took me 22 hours between the time of that first phone call and the moment I finally met Ethan. It was a harried day, getting plane tickets for Neal and I, making arrangements for a car when we got to Oklahoma, making arrangements for our older son Jacob, packing, just the actual process of getting there.

When we finally made it to Oklahoma, we were exhausted. Ethan was asleep in his birth mother's room. We said our hellos to his birth mom and her family. I held Ethan in my arms for the first time, and took in this new baby.

I'm not going to lie, Ethan was a little train wreck. He had a couple birth defects that would require surgical correction and he was covered in ugly red pustules all over his body. He was a newborn, but he wasn't cute or cuddly. In all honesty, he was kind of ugly, and definitely broken. As I held him his birth mom asked me, "I know he has a lot of problems, but are you still going to take him?" I am relieved to say that I never had a moment's thought of bailing on this little boy, but if we hadn't already made the commitment, he might have been a hard sell.

The hospital staff was very supportive and soon after we arrived they set up a room for the three of us. Neal and I took our new sleeping son and setting his bassinet between us we each climbed into separate hospital beds and tried to catch a little sleep. It must have been about an hour or so later when I heard the most pitiful bleating cry that awoke me. I got up in the darkened room and went to Ethan.

As I picked him up into my arms, something happened in that moment. I honestly can't even find the words to describe it, but it was as though something physically happened. I am the birth mother of my other two children and I loved them before I ever held them. They were a part of me from conception, but this moment, Ethan and I alone in the dark (because Neal slept through the crying), I actually felt the moment I fell in love with my son. Even now I can remember like a click in my heart, as our two lives became eternally connected.

There was nothing about this little boy that made him desirable. He was a broken mess, He had nothing to offer but had every need for me. He had come in to the world under unfortunate circumstances and he had no fault or control in his situation. He could do nothing for himself, and if someone did not rescue him from himself and his circumstance, the truth is, his future looked very bleak, hopeless even. And yet, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more in life than to make Ethan my own.

Ethan's adoption story was long and complicated. It was the very next morning that we actually had to begin a 3 1/2 year long and difficult battle to arrive on the day when he would truly become our son legally, but that moment in the dark is when he became the son of my heart.

This is why I get this passage of scripture, and it moved my heart so deeply. You see, Jesus traveled a great distance to come after me, and he came to me in the darkness. I was a broken mess and had nothing to offer Him but ugliness and need. And in the moment that he held me, our hearts were linked together, eternally too. There's no rhyme or reason to the why of God wanting me, but He did. And all on His own, out of the love in His heart, He came to me in my need and made me a part of His family.

The other day, my kids were kind of driving me crazy. And in my typical sarcastic/ comic way, I, in exasperation, blurted out, "I'm going to disown you all!" When I said it, my daughter, who was born to me just under 10 months after that night in the hospital in Oklahoma, said from the back seat, "That's not fair! You can't disown Ethan!"

You see, one of the benefits for Ethan as my adopted child is that I have to guarantee him two things, (1) He will always belong to us, there is no undoing an adoption, unlike my other kids who can be disowned, it can never happen to my Ethan. And (2) I must guarantee Ethan an inheritance. Whatever I leave behind someday, Ethan is guaranteed his portion of it. I cannot leave him "out of the will."

Likewise, when we come to Christ, our position is secure and our inheritance is guaranteed. Though God would never blurt out the threat of disowning us if our actions were frustrating and contrary to His will, I think sometimes in our hearts, the sense of the threat tries to rise up. But be encouraged, it's not so! Our place in Christ, and all the blessings there are ours!

Although we have NOTHING to offer, and we could never find ourselves worthy, God wanted us. He made a way for us, and HE willingly adopted us into His family through Christ!

I have heard Ethan on more than one occasion tell his siblings, "She CHOSE me, she just got stuck with you." And although the truth is that I love all my children equally, there is also truth in Ethan's security that he was wanted, he was chosen, and his bond to our family runs far deeper than blood.

If you are a follower of Christ, you were bought with His blood, and you were wanted and chosen, and your bond is secure. You belong, you are ADOPTED! Never forget what that means!

I Can Sing

Yesterday morning at church, after worship, the older gentleman seated in front of me turned around and asked me, "Are you from the south?" I assumed Southern California didn't count, so I said "No, but he is," pointing at Neal. To which he replied, pointing towards his throat, "You have a really wide range. It's nice."

Yes, it's a well kept secret that I can sing. I can carry a tune pretty well, and I know I can sing both high and low. I know I can sing because other people have told me so. A woman at my friend's retreat told me in April, "I could sit next to you and listen to you sing for hours." And my neighbor one night was over and asked if we could sing some worship while we were praying together and then said, "Wow, you can sing." And even one morning while Neal was hurriedly getting ready to play drums as an emergency last minute substitute, as I was trying to help him get the list figured out, I was talking to the head of our worship ministry and singing the songs to make sure I could help Neal figure out which song he was going to have to play. She said, "Wow, you can sing, like worship team sing."

The truth is though, it's not my gift. When the gentleman on Sunday said "You have a wide range," I replied, "Yeah, I have a hard time finding where I'm supposed to be." And the truth is, when it comes to singing I fumble around quite a bit. A friend of mine who is extremely gifted in worship used to sing with me in the car on occasion and once I remember her stopping and just staring at me in frustration. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "You keep switching keys on me!"

The truth is, I don't even fully understand what that means. I get the gist, but I don't understand it well enough to not fumble around and bounce from low to high and back to low again. She'd do her best to help me understand it, but I'd just smile as pretty as possible and nod, really not having a clue, knowing it didn't matter, because God never called me to stand on a stage to sing.

When I sing, it's a sacrifice of praise. Sometimes it's beautiful and even gets a good response from others. (Please note, I am by no means being prideful about my ability to sing, as many times as I have "lifted my voice" in praise, the percentage of notable response is small.) But often no one is impressed or even noting my efforts at all. No one that is except the Lord. And I know for a fact that the Lord's attention isn't at all focused on the key of my singing, so much as He is the heart behind it.

As the gentleman turned back around and I sat down, that's the thought that occurred to me. As much as I like the idea of being thought of as "a good singer," if the only reason I did it was for the recognition of others it wouldn't be an offering to the Lord at all. But on the contrary, if my voice cracks and struggles as I try to find the right "key" with a heart of worship towards the Lord, then it's value is eternal.

This truth applies far beyond me and my singing. It's true of any act we do in the name of the Lord. Teach, preach, serve, sing, what is sustaining and stands is more about the heart behind it than the perfection of the effort. I think someday when we all get to heaven, I suspect we will find that things we thought were treasures for God will turn out to have been straw, and likewise things that we never thought really counted for much at all stood as strength in the big picture, and in the work of the Lord.

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24

For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, you are God’s building. According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each one take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.
1 Corinthians 3:9-15

Authentic

Sitting alone with the Lord tonight, the word seems almost to taunt me. Authentic.

It's a quality I value. It's a quality I aspire to but when I look myself in the mirror, I have to ask, is it a word that could be used to describe me?

Sometimes I find myself in a room full of people and I can't help but wonder if any of them truly know me at all. I feel misunderstood often, and insecurity is a battle that wages itself against me a lot. It's all tied up together, the sense of not being known or understood and the fear of being judged or rejected. It takes me inside my own head, and I cry out inside, "Am I being real??"

It's a scary question to ask, because if I am being real and it leads to being rejected, what does that say about who I am? Does it speak ill of me or ill of the one who is rejecting me?

I'm very black and white in what I believe. What you believe defines who you are. I am a hard person to sway. Some people might call that being narrow minded, but I consider myself to be a person of conviction. What I hold dear to my heart is the Truth of God's Word, and if you want to change my perspective on something, you have to do it with a biblical argument. If you can't convince me with a biblical argument, you can't convince me at all, and a lot of people wold say that description takes me from narrow minded to judgmental.

I hear myself saying (a lot) "But the Bible says..." and I wonder, is it a copout? Am I not thinking for myself? It's what the world would accuse me of, considering me a lemming. But I don't know how not to filter my decisions through the Word of God. That is who I truly am. I've seen the wisdom of believing God at His word. and as it says in Matthew 11, "...wisdom is proved right by her deeds.” (vs. 19)

My mind is just twisting tonight with concern. I want to be real. I want to be a genuine person. But sometimes, I truly wonder.

All I know is that all any of us can do is our best to live our lives in the Light, open and honest, in both our struggles and our victories. We have to remember that we are all works in process and maybe that is part of the challenge.

Maybe the reason it is so hard to feel authentic is because none of us is yet who we were truly created to be. Hopefully every day if we do our best to seek the Lord with our whole hearts, He, the Author and Finisher of our faith, will mold us a little more into the form of who He has purposed us to be. There is a Master plan for each and every one of us, and no two of us are on the same path, no two of us have the same "blue print," if you will. And not one of us has yet to arrive at the finished product, which interestingly enough for every one of us will be a clear reflection of the Savior who is molding us all along the way.

I want to be real. I want to be genuine. But much like growing into shoes when I was a child, the fit isn't quite right yet, and many days I am more aware of the awkwardness than the progress, but perhaps if I remember on those more uncomfortable days that God is molding and shaping me, I can look forward with anticipation to the completion of authenticity, rather than just wallow in the weirdness of the process. At least I hope so.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12

Three Years

I had big plans. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of the blog, and in my mind I was going to write my 300th post on the third anniversary. I wanted to celebrate with my first ever giveaway too.

But the day passed, and the post count didn't make it. This post will be #293, seven posts short of my goal.

I did get a package in the mail for a giveaway, but it wasn't what I specifically solicited for, although still good. And so I will do a giveaway with it, just not today.

Instead, today I am pondering the process of planning. Funny how it doesn't seem to work out the way we want it to most of the time.

A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

There are many plans in a man’s heart,
Nevertheless the LORD’s counsel—that will stand.
Proverbs 19:21

The truth is, it can be pretty frustrating when things don't work out the way we want them to. Everyone likes enough control in life (even the non-control freak types) to be able to see plans come to fruition.

But often, they don't.

This "plan" of mine was just a little one. It's a slight disappointment that is not too difficult to overlook. I can look at the ways I spent my last couple weekends, one on retreat with a dear friend, the other hanging out during the day with several dear friends and an evening discipling my son and several of his friends, and say, "it was worth it" to pass on rushing to keep up the blog. Truth be told, I don't want to write here just for the sake of it.

I started this blog three years ago as an act of obedience. I was away at a very difficult women's retreat, and as I spent a great deal of time alone with just me and the Lord (that wasn't the difficult part) I sought Him, and more than once that weekend I heard Him say very plainly, "Write." As an unsolicited confirmation, the following week at church He sent a very revered friend and mentor to me with a more specific word. She said to me, "I was praying for you recently, and I felt like the Lord told me to tell you to blog." It immediately testified to my spirit that I really had heard God at retreat.

Saturday night, I was talking with the boys of Envision (our youth bible study with Jake and his friends) and we were talking about passions and talents and how God gives them to us for a purpose. I watch these young men all in the latter part of high school and all of them have the future on their minds. The truth is, even in Christian families, as we guide our kids, our inclination is to do so from a worldly view. If we look at our son and his two options for a future are either worship leader or engineer, we direct toward the engineer, where success is more easily defined and provision is more probable.

I wonder though, if that's how good looks at things. I know I have on many occasions taken stock of this blog, and looked at hits and comments and tried to determine if this blog would qualify as successful. The fact is, most of the time, the answer would have to be "no." But I realized when I do that, I am looking at things from a very worldly perspective, even if it is a Christian worldly perspective.

As I talked with the boys at Envision, we also talked about the challenge of hearing God's voice as He directs us. I do know there are times when the Lord is silent, but I suspect that far more often the issue of His silence resides more in our inability or unwillingness to listen more than in His lack of desire to speak. But sometimes it really is just hard to know.

My advice was to the boys that when that happens, you have to go back to the last thing you are certain you heard the Lord say. If you feel like you might have gotten off track or you're just not sure about the next step, go back to where you knew He was clearly directing. For me, that was three years ago, and I heard Him very clearly, He said "Write."

As nice as it is to get good feedback, it's not why God has called me to write. The Lord has given me a passion for disciplship and sharing His word. He has given me a gift with words and a talent for putting them down for a reader. And whether something I write ministers to one reader or 100 readers, it has value. And the beauty of it being here on the internet is that it could be something I put "on paper" today, and minister to someone 20 years from now or more. The important thing is that I use my gifts and talents for my God given passions and use it for His glory.

So although I still have dreams and aspirations, and I hope that this blog is the beginning of something rather than the end, I know the LORD directs my steps, and it is His counsel that will stand.

God is faithful to me, and I pray in some small way this blog can be an act of worship toward Him, for however long He sees fit.

As for now, happy anniversary to My Walk of Faith. I pray it blesses many.

Fruit that lasts

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23

The world says "look out for number one."

God says "love Me, love others."

The world says, "make yourself happy, do whatever pleases you."

God says, "fullness of joy is in My presence."

The world says, "Your security is in your stuff."

God says, "My peace in you can supercede circumstance."

The world says, "Live in the now, get all you can get."

God says, "My best is worth the wait and builds character while you do."

The world says, "nice guys finish last."

God says, "your kindness is how you touch the world for Me."

The world says, "the good die young."

God says, "your goodness is a reflection on My work in your life."

The world says, "gentle = weak."

God says, "your gentleness is actually a sign of strength."

Tbe world says, "It's all about self, do whatever you want, no holds barred."

God says, "self-control is really Spirit control."

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser.
Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;
and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.
You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.
Abide in Me, and I in you.
As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine,
neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
“I am the vine, you are the branches.
He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit;
for without Me you can do nothing.
John 15:1-5

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you
that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain,
that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.
John 15:16



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Bezalel - Intention & Purpose Part 1

I have been reading my bible twice a day, every day since the first of the year. With no pride, because I know it is only the grace of God, I tell you I have not missed a single day. I have been reading through the "Unlocking the Bible" reading plan.

The reading plan breaks down into four portions: Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. It may sound like a lot, but the Proverbs portion is only a few verses, the day's Psalm is sometimes even broken down into portions. It's never more than a chapter or so of NT, and never more than a couple chapters of the OT. I really like the reading plan, and I read Psalms, Proverbs and New Testament first thing in the morning and I read the Old Testament passages at night before I go to bed.

Part of the reason I end with the Old Testament at night is because a lot of it reads almost like a bedtime story. I also figure the more challenging portions of the OT (Hello Leviticus!) will just make falling asleep that much easier. Right now I am in the book of Exodus. Much of Exodus reads like an engaging story, reading the tales of Moses' adventures before I go off to sleep. However, there are portions of if it that have a definite Levitical feel. Big yawn.

Last night I started in on chapters 37 & 38 of the book of Exodus, and I wasn't instantly enthralled. At first look they tell the all too detailed description of the making of the Ark of the Covenant, as well as the Table, the Lampstand, the Altar for Incense, the Altar for Burnt Offerings and the Bronze Bowl. They even tell about the curtains for the courtyard of the Holy Tent being made. It tells in great detail of the work that a man by the name of Bezalel did. All those items I just listed? They were made by the hands of Bezalel.

The instructions were very finite. The ark was measured in very specific inches. And as I was reading I thought about how careful he had to be in his work. I have built my fair share of furniture via IKEA. We have a huge entertainment center in our living room that Neal and I built together. It probably had three or four dozen pieces, and it was painstaking to match things up and get everything put together, and we had instructions with pictures! It was a lot of work, and all we were doing was basically putting a puzzle together. It occurred to me how much more complicated it must have been to form these things out of raw materials. And the importance of them far outweighed the value of a place to put our television set.

As I read, I could picture in my mind this man, Bezalel, and the extreme care he must have taken to create these things. I could picture him running his hand down the edge of the frame of the ark making it smooth, and building the lid to match up and seal perfectly. He had to make it not only perfectly functional, but also beautiful. Over and over again it read, "Bezalel made," "Bezalel attached," "Bezalel put," "Bezalel hammered..." Each piece, careful and detailed.

I thought to myself about how I get when I am working. Tonight I was making a button for my blog and it took a lot of focus for me. My daughter came up to me to ask me a question and I snapped at her because I was struggling to get something "just so." And the truth is, it was just my own perfectionism in a work that was far from critical.

As I read about Bezalel, I felt certain that was not the atmosphere in his workshop. I could picture in my mind the peace of God as he focused and worked. Each piece was different, making gold rings, shaping winged creatures from Gold. To go along with the Ark he had to shape acacia poles for carrying it, and they were covered in gold. I thought about what that process must have been like. He had to have melted the gold down that the Israelites brought him, liquifying it making it useful to cover the Ark and the poles and such. The lampstand too had to be formed for it was "made of pure gold," the Bible says. I could picture him "hammering out its base and stand." The art of it, it said he even shaped part of it to look like "almond flowers." It was a piece made for specific purpose and it was made to be beautiful.

I was struck by the vast number of details and the great effort it all must have required. All of this work, all done by Bezalel. He even "made a wall of curtains to form a courtyard around the Holy Tent" Then it sums things up in Exodus 38:22 where it says, "Bezalel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, made all that the LORD had commanded Moses." Then almost as an afterthought vs 23 says, "Oholiab son of Ahisamach of the tribe of Dan helped him. He could cut designs into metal and stone; he was a designer and also skilled at sewing the blue, purple, and red thread, and fine linen." He helped with the finishing touches, but this labor, was Bezalel's labor, and I supsect it was a labor of love.

I wish I could express to you the sense I had as I read. Such profound and important work, and it fell all to a single man. Later in the passage it talks about where all the metals used in this process were taken from. It talks about how all the Israelites donated and paid for the supplies, it says there were 603,550 men over 20, and all I could think was, "yet only Bezalel was chosen for this job." Can you picture the weight of the responsibility on this man? Can you imagine how time consuming it must have been?

In my mind I would think, "Delegate!" There were over half a million men to choose from, surely the work could have been done much more quickly if only they would spread thew work around! But it was NOT to be so. For some reason, this profoundly important duty was meant for a single man. I had to search him out, I wanted to know more about him. So I did a search on biblegateway, but there wasn't a whole lot more to be found. But in chapter 35 of Exodus, it did say this: "The Lord has filled Bezalel with the Spirit of God and has given him the skill, ability, and knowledge to do all kinds of work."

Surely I was right! Bezalel's workshop must have been an incredible place to be. It was as a house of worship, I am sure. Bezalel surely was intentional and purposed as he worked to create all that the Lord commanded. What a privilege it must have been to take the gifts and talents he had been given by God and use them for God. Bezalel had surely felt his purpose in life, and perhaps in more than any other season, in those days, he must have felt he was truly living it out. He was living the life he was created for, a life with intention and purpose.

To be continued...

What the hell are we doing?

You know, becoming a Christian is a huge leap. A lot of people look at those of who make it and think it's a leap into darkness at best, or absolute idiocy at worst. Those people probably would describe more like a fall than a leap, as off our rockers, but truly, that's their issue. The bible says flat out, that the wisdom of God is foolishness to man, and the fact is, it isn't going to be understood by them. It's not even their fault, there is just, quite simply, no revelation there. And you know what, God bless them, the best we can do for those who hold that view of us, is pray for the scales to fall from their eyes. It's a supernatural work that has to happen in them and on our own, we will never persuade another into the kingdom.

Sadly, this perception of Christians has become completely politically correct. It's not only acceptable to attack traditional Christian values, it's truly encouraged. Bill Maher and Kathy Griffin make full time jobs out of attacking the beliefs, the values and the people who hold them. The time of "live and let live" is long gone, and it isn't coming back.

There's part of the big leap one has to make choosing Christ. You will not only have to deal with the questioning of your beliefs, values and even your mental capacity/ capabilities, but in many areas you will even have to deal with the possible rejection of relationship. People will stop being your friend for following Christ. People in your family will reject you, and judge you, possibly even your own spouse. But this isn't something that should surprise us. Jesus warned us we would be hated because they hated Him first.

Now, there are those who will make the mental ascent to Jesus and maybe even pray the prayer to ask him into their hearts, and then choose to just stay on the "down low" with their Christianity. I strongly suspect they will find that a miserable and uncomfortable place to be, but many will do it, out of fear or doubt or just because they don't want to "rock the boat," but this is a game I personally wouldn't ever want to risk playing. The scripture says if we deny Jesus before men, He will deny us before the Father, and since we don't get into heaven for eternity without Jesus standing up for us, I just won't go there. And I don't recommend anyone else does either.

In my opinion if you try to be an incognito Christian, one of two things is going to happen. Either you will eventually burn out. It's too much to carry on, and you will eventually walk away from the beliefs you are not willing to stand for. If that isn't what happens to you, then I believe it is because the Lord will eventually hound you out of the darkness. He won't let you stay in the place of confusion and falsehood. He will push you till you are ready to make the stand. I know I've heard the whole "God is a Gentleman" spiel, but let me just say, a gentleman doesn't equal a pansy. He won't let you stay there, He won't. One way or another the stealth Christian is a temporary gig.

So you know what? I think those who actually choose to follow Christ and stand for Him publicly are pretty ballsy people these days. (Yeah, I said ballsy, get over it.) It takes a lot of courage to stand for Christ. It's a risk and a purposeful act of bravery. Props to those who make it. Props to the high school student who takes the stand in his school, or the employee in his work place, the mom in her neighborhood, I say bravo. I say way to go when you stand up and go against the grain and when everyone else thinks you should take the easy way out, or just keep quiet about your faith, and you don't, more power to you!

So here is the issue that is really on my heart tonight, I want to talk to you, the brave, the ones who are out there, proclaiming Christ in their lives, in the bent of their own personalities, in their own unique way. You, you are who you are, IN CHRIST. I want to ask you a question.

Why are we having such a hard time believing the word of God? I mean, sincerely, you have made the hardest choice, you have chosen to trust Him with your eternity, you have believed Him for your salvation. Does it get any bigger than that? I don't believe it does. So I am asking, if you can believe in Him for something that big, how come we have such a hard time believing Him for the every day? Why do we believe His word for that, but when life starts to happen we choke?

That big Book we Christians carry isn't just for show. Jesus IS the Word. And when you open that Bible, you are delving into the very heart of Him Who you have entrusted your eternity to. But all of a sudden way too many of us are questioning whether or not that Truth applies to our daily lives.

If the Bible isn't true for our every day, then what the hell are we doing?? When God said He would care for our every day, it was Truth. When He said He would NEVER leave us or forsake us, it was TRUTH. It IS Truth. It's the "fact of the matter" for our lives. And you know what? I think it's time we start living our lives like we know that.

We brave Christians, we need to exercise that same strength of faith that helped us choose Him, and proclaim Him in living out our Walk of Faith with Him.

“God is not a man, that He should lie,
Nor a son of man, that He should repent.
Has He said, and will He not do?
Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?
Numbers 23:19

What then shall we say to these things?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31

We need to take God at His Word, and live what we say we believe, every day, in Jesus' name.

Infected

Spent much of the past weekend and early part of this week painfully aware of my eyes. When I woke up before the 5K last Saturday, my left eye was crusted shut. I had to go in and clean off the gobbly gook off of it with a warm wash cloth, but even after I did, my left eye looked rather sickly. It just looked off, it wasn't red, or even a hot pink, but the white of my eye wasn't white at all.

I pulled up "pink eye" on google to peruse some photos, and my eye didn't look nearly as bad as the wealth of pictures that popped up on my screen. I pulled down my lower lid, it didn't have an exceptionally bright color either, but all day long, my eye just seemed to run and run with a clear watery substance. It was constant.

As I went to the 5K, I thought about my eye.

As I walked the 5K, I thought about my eye.

At Ethan's two soccer games I thought about my eye, and about my foot, because it had a big painful blister from a bad sock choice in my shoe for the 5K.

That evening while I sat cuddled with my kids at the drive-in, I was constantly thinking about my eye, and my feet.

Sunday morning I woke up and my first thought was to my again crusted eye and my very sensitive feet. As I made my way to the bathroom to clean out the guck this time, I was mindful of every step I took to get there. And as I spent the day going to church and going to the movies with friends, constantly, my mind focused, again and again, on my eye and my feet.

I discovered something interesting while my eye seemed to be an issue for me, it was also an issue in my home. My oldest son was a little freaked out by the thought that I might have pink eye. He fell short of actually throwing holy water at me while making cross motions, but it was very clear, he didn't want to take any chances of catching anything from his mom. (I knew he was a freak about stomach viruses, had no idea he felt the same way about a little eye bug.)

By Monday morning my left eye seemed better, but now my right eye was bothering me a little. When I woke up they were both a little runny and a little crusty. Thankfully, my feet didn't hurt anymore, but now I was worried about what was spreading to my second eye.

I decided a trip to the doctor would be a good idea. I called and made an appointment but they couldn't see me till 11:30. I went ahead to work, and my co-worker wasn't at all happy I was there. He, like Jake, kept a wide berth between us because he was worried about exposure. He's not quite as retentive as my son. His wife is facing major surgery soon, and knowing he'll be her primary caretaker, he didn't want to take any chances for her sake.

By the time my appointment was actually approaching, I started to question whether or not I should even go. Almost all the pink had faded, the runniness seemed to have subsided, and I started to think my doctor would wonder why I was even there. But for the sake of my co-worker, his ailing wife, my children, especially the worried one, I decided I should just go check things out.

By the time the doctor came in, he could barely see what I was referring to. He said I probably did have conjunctivitis, but that in his estimation, I was on the road to recovery, and there was no point in treating it medically. It was probably viral, and I was close to having the whole episode behind me. So I left the doctor's office $75 poorer, but with little else to show for it. Except for the spiritual lesson that continually ran through my mind, the entire time I was so very aware of my eyes and my feet.

I thought it interesting how my son's focus suddenly became so profound on his own eyes, when mine were not fully healthy, and I thought to myself, "I hope he is as aware of the risks to his spiritual eyes, as he is of his physical ones." Because I happen to be certain that he is constantly surrounded by people whose spiritual eyes are far more infected than my physical ones were.

Likewise, I questioned my awareness of my own eyes and feet, as well as those around me. I suddenly became very aware of how my eyes had an ability to have a negative effect on those around me. I was a little toxic, if you will, if I was at all contagious. But the worst I had to offer was maybe a week or two of sickness that would in fact be rather easily remedied with special drops.

How much more power is there to do harm to others with what I allow my eyes to see and where I allow my feet to go in the spiritual sense? Am I as constantly aware of the need to protect, and encourage my loved ones to protect their spiritual eyes and feet every day, as I was physically for those few?

Sometimes we get so caught up in our physical bodies, that we fail to remember we are not "bodies with spirits" but rather we are "spirits with bodies." And we so focus on the temporal when it is the spiritual and eternal that needs and deserves our attention.

I am convicted by how often I allow compromise in my life and what I allow my spiritual eyes to be exposed to. The things I watch on TV, or the movies I go and see. I dismiss them, as though somehow I am immune to the exposure, that it doesn't really matter when I allow things that are unhealthy for me to be seen, sometimes repeatedly.

It makes me think of the old nursery school song, one of the few I remember from when I was very little. "Oh be careful little eyes what you see..." it sings, and it goes on to sing to the ears about what they hear, and the mouth about what it speaks, even about the feet and where they go. It sings, "For the Father up above is looking down in love, of be careful little eyes what you see." This silly sing-song has a huge depth of truth to it that is worthy of being pondered.

Why do we dwell on a temporary physical risk to inconvenience far more than we concern ourselves with the care and protection of our eternal souls... and in the name of entertainment??

I have a bit of a reputation for being legalistic, and even above and beyond in my limitations to the movies I will go and see and the like, and I am often tempted to "lighten up" for the sake of the crowd, but I have sincerely felt like these couple of days while I was so aware of my physical eyes, that God was reminding me, that the spiritual ones are of far greater worth, for doesn't it even say in the bible that if our physical eye should stumble us, it is is better to pluck it out than continue in sin? Clearly, on God's scale, spiritual matters far outweigh the physical ones, and I just don't think I am willing to compromise for a few moments of enjoyment.

I love this passage of scripture, it is one of my favorites from the book of Proverbs, and it has been running through my mind continually this past week.

My son, pay attention to what I say;
turn your ear to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
Proverbs 4:20-27

Be careful...

Impervious

I'm a word girl. I love a good one. You know the type that you can almost hear the definition in the pronunciation. I like the word "Impervious," and since it's the second time I've used it, I guess I'm going to declare it as my word of the day.

Not a word on your preferred vocab list perhaps? Let me share the definition with you, just in case. It means, "incapable of being penetrated; incapable of being affected." I love saying it, and when I do, I can almost hear MC Hammer and his anthem, "can't touch this." Love it.

What I don't love, is when people act like they've opened up their Thesaurus and sound the word "Christian" as its synonym, because let me make it very clear, I can assure you, it's not there.

Have you ever experienced what I'm talking about though? That attitude as though if you are a Christian, you should somehow be above the battles of life? You express a struggle, or a weakness, and you get this funny look, like all of a sudden they're trying to take your spiritual inventory? Maybe they've even been bold enough (or ignorant enough) to come right out and said it, "But I thought you were a Christian?" Maybe the person staring you down has even been in your very own mirror. You find yourself struggling or weak, battling, and then you look in the mirror and you question your own faith. You think, "I'm a Christian, I shouldn't feel, struggle, battle, worry or look like this..."

Forgive me, but it's ignorance. Whether you are speaking it to yourself, or someone else is speaking it to you, or even if you are the voice speaking it to another, it is, flat out - ignorance.

(Give me a second, let me adjust my soapbox, I don't want to take a tumble.)

I hear all the time, in the Christian community pulpits preaching about transparency. And yet when the theoretical becomes reality, suddenly so much of the body takes big steps back. So many in their discomfort pull back and step into that inventory mode, wondering why you, as a Christian, could possibly be (ahem) struggling.

I'm not talking about wandering distantly down the road of sin, make no mistake, but it could be a temptation, or depression, or anxiety, fear, an eating disorder, even suicidal thoughts. There are a long list of items that I will agree are in fact NOT on God's list for the abundant life He's promised us, but just because we have victory in Christ, does NOT mean we don't get battle wounds along the way.

My heart breaks for the believer who struggles in their humanness, and when they risk their heart and their reputation by opening up and confessing it, they are received with some pat answer or judgmental reply.

It makes me think of Job and his buddies in the Old Testament. He knew he wasn't in sin, and let's face it the guy was being sifted in a way none of us would ever volunteer for, and his friends did not respond in support or understanding, but rather in judgment.

I think of a very good friend of mine who recently found herself battling a deep dark depression. Now this woman wasn't some lukewarm Christian, she wasn't a lightweight by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, "pillar of the church" is the phrase that comes to mind when I think of her. She is a prayer warrior, a woman grounded deeply in the Word, and yet, she was hit with a deep dark bout of depression.

This woman who for nearly 30 years has walked faithfully with the Lord, loved Him, loved His people and loved His word got knocked for a loop, and people actually had the audacity to question her walk and her faith because she was overwhelmed with depression. Really?

Someone comes to us carrying this heavy, HEAVY boulder of burden. They are weary from carrying it, worn out from dragging it out before us, humiliated in the confession of it to us, vulnerable in the exposure of it, and our response is to add "rocks" to the top of it?

"Maybe you aren't praying enough."

"You need to read your bible more."

"Do you have sin in your life?"

"You MUST have sin in your life."

"I thought you were a Christian..."

Rock, after rock, after rock, making an already unbearable burden even heavier.

OK, go ahead, make your argument. Fear, anxiety, depression, maybe they are sin. Sin is anything that misses the mark that God has set for us, and clearly, these all fall short, but these are sins in our nature, not sins of our own intention or rebellion. Quite simply, we are flesh, and flesh fails, and these are the effects of it.

Galatians 6:1-3 says, "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

"Carry each other’s burdens..." The response to add to the weight is wrong. The response that is right, is to get up underneath that burden and help them lift it up.

Pray for them.

Fast for them.

Listen to them.

Love on them.

Support them.

Be silent, and be there.

Oh what comfort Job's friends could probably have brought in their silence.

Now, I know sometimes, dare I say (hope) that most times, the intentions are good of those who come with their responses. I really want to believe in their ignorance, they sincerely believe they are helping, even if they are sincerely wrong.

Maybe they're speaking out of experience. Maybe they battled some temptation, or emotional struggle, and deciding to turn on the praise music and read their bible every day at the same time every day was just what they needed to overcome their battle. PRAISE GOD FOR THEM! But don't be so foolish as to presume you have found some magic formula that is the cure all for every battle remotely similar to yours.

First off, it isn't the same battle. I can say this with absolute confidence. You aren't the same people, you don't have the same history, you don't live in the same circumstances, you don't suffer the same temptations, you aren't the same people, and you don't have the same problem, therefore your "key" isn't going to fit the lock.

This mentality is what keeps believers from being REAL... OPEN... TRANSPARENT. We preach it, but we don't dare to live it.

Instead we feel forced into some sort of box, to play the "role" of the perfect Christian. We paint on our smiles. Smile politely and offer a "fine, thanks." to those who ask the "how are you?"s in life, and no one dare stop ling enough to truly ask or answer the question. Life looks good, even when people feel like they are drowning inside.


And while I'm up here on my soapbox, I have to ask, why would that Stepford-like life be any kind of draw to the unbeliever? I mean seriously, if I am living in my messy life, struggling with my messy struggles and emotions, walking around feeling like a metaphorical "Pig Pen" character why on earth would I want to walk into your pristine world, where all the walls are white, the floors shiny clean, a place for everything, and everything in its place. I'm not walking in your world, I won't belong there, and you and I will both be painfully aware that every speck of dust we find there will be mine, and nobody's going to be comfortable with that.

Aside from that, I'm going to just out you perfect "housekeepers" anyway, because I happen to know, if I wander around your "place" long enough, I'm going to find that filthy closet. I know you've got that junk drawer, I know that the appearance is deceiving, and the perfection is just a facade.

The fact of the matter is, when someone finds themselves in a pit, a messy muddy pit in life that they have somehow stumbled into (because let's face it, nobody climbs into the pit alone on purpose) they don't want someone who's just come alongside the ledge and stand there evaluating how they got into it in the first place.

"See, now I think where you got off track was right over here. If you would just not have taken this little stretch of the road, you wouldn't have fallen in. Or better yet, if you have just come across the road more slowly... Or you had read the map better.... or you'd been paying closer attention to your feet..." I'm sorry it's not helpful.

Neither is the coach who stands above you. "Get up, step right there." (You try, sink further.) "No, you're not doing it right, See when I fell in my pit, I found the perfect wedge for my foot right there, and was able to lift myself right up out of it." Not the same hole, you're not helping.

It's also not helpful to be the one yanking on the arm of the fallen trying to pull them up. You yank, trying to lift them out and keep clean all at the same time. "Give me your hand, but wipe off the mud first." Where is that mud supposed to be wiped off exactly? Trying to help from above and stay clean is only going to frustrate you and hurt the person in the pit. Arm dislocated, sinking lower, feeling even more hopeless.

The fact is, the only real help you can offer is messy. Now I'm not saying you're supposed to climb in every pit of every person you find along your road. Fact of the matter is, it's probably unhealthy if not your calling directly from God. But if it's a pit you're supposed to act upon, there's really only two viable options, and both involve getting dirty and getting in the pit.

You climb down in, and you lift them up. If you have the know how and the strength (which by definition would have to be of God,) then get in there, and help them out. Don't over-evaluate why they're there, how they could have avoided getting there just get in and help as best you can to get them out. Look for the steps, build the steps, bring the rope, whatever it is GOD leads you to do, but do it in the pit. Be willing to get dirty.

The other option is more challenging, but sometimes the most ministering movement of all. Get in, sit down, and shut up. Hold a hand, put your arm around a shoulder, just sit silently beside. There is strength in knowing one is not alone, that someone is there, someone who cares, someone who is willing to get dirty in life with you. It matters to know someone loves you enough to let your mess make their life a little messy. You pray, you listen, you wait. There may come a time when that plan changes, but it isn't your call. So you sit. You sit, and you love.

Life is hard, and love is messy, and being a Christian doesn't make us immune to it. Christians hurt, and they struggle and stumble. Yes, they have VICTORY in the war, but it doesn't mean they never lose battles along the way. And just because we have victory in Christ does not mean we never get beat up and bruised in the battle. War heroes often leave lame, scarred, even broken. It isn't the absence of these things that make them heroes, but rather the perseverance through it.

The beautiful thing, and what I hold to, both when I have sat in the pit looking up at someone who has chosen to judge, as well as when I have found myself looking down over the pit of another, is that Christ is there. He is Lord of the pit and in the pit, and He is more than willing to be in the mess. He loves us in the mess. And yes, eventually He will deliver us eternally from it, but He is the hand to hold, the silent friend, and when we are ready, He is willing to be the one to bring us freedom from it, not in judgment but in hope and truth for He alone is Impervious.