I had this moment....

It's been an eventful few weeks for me.  I've stepped back from a lot and I did it with one intention and it ended up becoming about something completely else.  (Is that an acceptable sentence?  You get my point.)

My health has been challenged, a problem progressing into treatment that brought out complications, then more treatment brought pain and then complications just seemed to escalate and I've dealt with a plethora of issues that have worn me down physically.  Thankfully the first step back has done wonders for maintaining spiritual and mental strength and emotionally for the most part as well. (Translation: God is good.)

But when my daughter sang worship in her junior high youth group this past weekend I sent my husband to watch with a request to video tape because I just couldn't get there physically. Literally my pain and fatigue had me beat.

So it was actually days before I even came to myself and remembered to ask my hubby to let me see the video tape he'd made of her helping lead worship.  She sang along with one of her leaders one of my favorite (currently especially) worship songs. I don't know if it's a Bethel song or a Jesus Culture song (I think they may be related, actually) but it's a powerful and beautiful song that ministers to my soul, and is particularly ministering in this current season.

You can listen to it and read the lyrics as it goes along here:



As I watched the video of my daughter I was, of course as any mom would be, very proud.  But I could see her nerves, and maybe even a little disconnect from what she was actually doing.  She was "leading worship" but whether or not she was TRULY worshiping I couldn't tell.  To some degree, yes, but the fullness of it, I just didn't know. 

My husband helps "lead worship" from behind his drums, and what I love about him is that he TRULY worships.  Worship isn't easy for me, I am highly distractable, and so when I see the way my husband really enters in, that's powerful, especially when his hands and feet are doing a thousand different things.  But for me, the most powerful worship is always when the ones who are leading are TRULY worshiping because that isn't always the case, especially I am sure when you're just learning HOW to lead.  So I am not criticizing my daughter, just making an observation.  She did beautifully. 

So much so that as I headed to the shower after watching the videos the song really stuck with me.  And as I was singing it in the shower, I really was able to enter in.  That's just how I roll, in the middle of a congregation singing with me I fight to focus, get me alone and vulnerable before God in the shower, and there His presence is most powerful and evident to me. 

As I sang the second verse, "I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves, when my heart becomes free and my shame is undone, Your presence, Lord," it was as though something pierced my heart.  I could see the slow unbraiding of shame.  That's what it looked like to me, I could compare it to the "grave clothes" of Lazarus.  

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:44

He was bound, and Jesus set him free.  I had this profound a-ha moment of my own shame that Christ had freed me from.  That's the way I came to Christ, full of shame, and that was the first thing He dealt with me.  "Diana, come forth," if you will, and he took off the grave clothes of shame with the help of some of the women who followed Him.  

Remembering is good.  Because two decades and then some later it is easy to forget from whence I came.  And suddenly I thought about my daughter again, singing that song.  Of course it was hard for her to connect to the words.  She's 12, and thankfully had a relatively peaceful and uneventful life, and I don't think any "shame" she's ever felt could even compare to the shame being sung about in this song. 

Suddenly I had this moment, where I was glad that my young daughter had never experienced shame like that.  I think of so many young people violated or broken living lives that no child ever should, as victims or by their own choices, it doesn't matter.  It breaks my heart that they feel that shame.  And so I had a grateful thought and I had the hope that my daughter might NEVER know that kind of shame.  And of course I don't want her to ever experience any shame as the result of sinful choices - whether her own like me, or being victimized by someone else.   But, I thought, I DO want her to know that Jesus.  I want her to know the depth of His love, grace and redemption - somehow.  

I've said many times I feel stuck between as a mom wanting my children to have that testimony of knowing and following Jesus faithfully from a young age.  I want the goodness of that from them.  But I am also grateful for the depth of knowledge I have of Who Christ is because He called me out of the grave. 

I know He calls us all "out of darkness" and into His glorious light, but I am grateful that I know the pain of walking around in the darkness.  I still don't want that for my children but I do pray God will reveal Himself to them in the same depth, somehow.  Through His Holy Spirit of course. 

I guess at the end of it, we must embrace the testimony God has given us.  There are no comparisons, no one better way - it's just a matter of following Christ.  Letting Him write the story of our lives that in the end is for our good and His glory.  But I do hope that at some point, however God sees fit that all my children will be able to sing the words to songs like this and really GET IT. I am glad that as my daughter sings that song, she is making that invitation, even if she doesn't fully understand it yet.  "Holy Spirit You are welcome here..." The goodness of God is overwhelming, I want my children to know that.  In His presence is fullness of joy, I want people to know that. 

I am so very thankful for my Savior and all that He has done and continues to do for me. 

Holy Spirit You are welcome here,

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.

Your glory God is what our hearts long for,

To be overcome by Your presence, Lord.

Timely

Ran across this random poem I wrote I have no idea when.  It looks like pages that fell out of a small journal or something.  I'm not sure.  I didn't date it, or possibly some of it is just missing, but the words are timely as I have just stumbled across it now.  Always fighting against the sense of not belonging, or being out of place - not matter where I am, or not being effective there at the least.  I sometimes feel inclined to give up on church, but never on Jesus.  But this poem whispers the truths that God places us where He wants us for His purpose.

I'm not sure if this was posted somewhere here before.  If it was, I couldn't find it. I made a few small edits, and part of the original prose may be missing too

Untitled

My heart wants to wander
My eyes grow to weary to heed
My own flesh tries to prevent me
From my soul's sole greatest need

My soul longs for Your presence
I need to just sit at your feet
That Your Spirit may pour into my want
And make my satisfaction complete

Circumstances will conspire against it
The fellowship of my heart with Yours
The enemy of my soul seeks to destroy it
But my spirit deep within continually implores

"Father help me overcome every obstacle,
"That hinders my path to You
"Help me lay aside this life's cares
"And bask in the knowledge of what's True"

You've called me to a greater purpose
Than what I can see before my eyes
You have a plan to use me
To break through all the lies

Lies that say we don't matter
That there is no God who cares
They must be shattered by Your mercies
That Your love may reveal You're there

You're reaching out to each one of us
Calling us ever closer to Your heart
For it is Your greatest longing that
Of Your family and purpose we'd be a part

I know You gave Your all
So we could fellowship as One
No thing did You withhold
Not even Your precious Son

Yet still my heart longs with want
My flesh and my heart will fail
But I cling to the hope I have
That Your purpose will prevail

You are my Strength and my Hope
So my heart must persevere
And as I reach out in my weakness
I know You'll meet me here.

My weary head You'll lift
And look into my face
With gentle words You remind me
In Your plan I have a place

So in my weakness of flesh
My soul cries out in hope to You
Knowing no matter how I struggle
Your love and promises

©Diana DePriest
Original date unknown. 
Rewrite September 16, 2014

American Christian

Just felt like being poetic today, and this sort of took off in a direction of its own... not even sure what I think of it, but this is my way of processing sometimes.  I know it has a lot of truth to it... other than that, decide for yourself. 

American Christian

  

We stand and watch as the storm circles about

We hear cries of fear, no hope and of doubt.

The world is off kilter and the view incites fear

Dead seem the values once dearly held here.

There, for faith, people are losing their life

Our “global community” is connected through strife.

Nation against nation, man against man, war doesn’t end

Such great hate, hurt and anger, we can't comprehend.

Your people there are dying, their blood shed on the ground

In their world beheaded but in Your world they’re crowned.

The death of Your saints is dear to Your heart

And You are there with them, every suffering part.

But while watching their storm we can’t understand

Why do You hold back Your rescuing hand?

“Sovereign” is a word that is hard to choke out

It’s painted with faith, but colored with doubt.

In one simple word comes forth hope and disdain

Love for Your promise, but hate for their pain.

“All things together” is the promise You’ve made

We all stand in the steps of the plans that You’ve laid.

These things all must happen for Christ to return

These things that happen make our hearts for You yearn.

Hear our cries, “Come Lord Jesus, please won’t You come”

“Not yet,” is Your answer, by Your strength not succumb.

In faith they stand, believing till their last earthly breath

That’s why for Your saints it is so precious a death.

But Lord, it’s so hard to see that You’re working there

We imagine their pain, but in their grace we don’t share.

Great is Your grace and Your presence among them

From there is where their strength and power must stem.

But God save Your people, speak to their storm

Peace in their hearts, Your miracle to perform.

But here we continue to watch slip away

Freedom to worship more every day.

Could we hope to have the faith they have there?

American Christian in truth, we must be aware.

We look at them and we think “may it never be”

"Surely that kind of battle couldn’t happen to me."

There’s a darkness that’s coming we must withstand

Would we hold our faith if our life it demand?

“Live your life for Jesus,” we simply say

People are dying for Jesus today.

They are standing against true persecution

We here need a true faith revolution.

American Christian it’s time to awake,

Look and see what’s truly at stake.

Is your faith simply something you choose “do”?

Or is your faith what is the Truth about you?

Apathy has overtaken as we live in this bubble

American Christian this world is in all kinds of trouble.

Prosperity gospel to appease itching ears

Is the truth, little t, that America hears.

Our comfort is crumbling, the wolf at the door

I hope that we know what we really stand for.

Our brothers and sisters are on the front lines

But trouble is coming, ignore not the signs.

The days are evil, be redeeming the time

Declare the Truth, big T, the harvest is prime.

American Christian your faith must run deep

Beware of the danger, they come to slaughter His sheep.

It’s not them and us, to one body we belong

The persecuted need our prayers to help them be strong.

More believers today died by the blade

Their faith too strong for fear to dissuade.

Turn not your eyes from your TV screen

It could be our future that’s there to be seen.

Do we know our Jesus in this tangible way?

That not even death could cause us to stray?

Oh American Christian we must dig in deep

Oh American Christian we cannot continue to sleep.

Whatever you do, do not be deceived

Darkness is coming Truth must be believed.

Anchor your hope, all your life, in this Jesus

In good times and bad He always sees us.

Into His arms believers giving their lives

May we stand as strong when trouble arrives.

American Christian it is time to awake

Your very life may someday be at stake.

By Diana DePriest

© September 3, 2014

Detours

I hate... no, let me be clear, I HATE detours.  

If you look at the picture and map above, this will tell a glimpse of the story for my strong personal reaction (repulsion) to detours.  On the map you'll see my messy marking of yellow and red.  The yellow indicates the closed road we dealt with for two years.  It was the passage way to much of the places in life my family likes to go (and doesn't "like" to, but has to go.)  For me I found that blockade mostly inconvenient when I was trying to get home.  That back passage way into our neighborhood was the way I got home from almost everywhere, and out of habit I would drive that way only to be turned around to a blockade similar to the one in the photo above. 

It was a glorious day when they opened back up that road.  I got up early just to drive through it when I saw another friend celebrating its opening on Facebook.  It was a good two weeks before I stopped whispering "Wooohooo" every time I drove through.  But it was just over a month before another blockade came into my life, the ugly red scribble on my map, and the actual photo above.  This too is a familiar passage way - leading to church, the grocery store and my kids' school (which starts in just over 2 weeks.)  And it's going to be locked up tight till at least some time in 2016. And the beginning of the process will include massive pile driving within a stone's throw from my house that is likely to give our house a good rocking on its foundation. And I'm not happy about that either. 

Even more than actual physical detours on the road, I am not at all a fan of the detours of life.  I don't like being asked to go a way different than I wanted or planned. I don't do well when I come up to a road block that says I cannot proceed any further, and I don't like it at all when I get pushed into traffic that says I have to go through an area that I have no interest at all in being in.  But like the roadblocks on the road, detours of life can not be powered through, manipulated out of or even avoided all together - not as long as you're trying to move through life.  This walk of faith isn't one you plot out for yourself.  It's one you have to simply follow along. 

I find myself dealing with little inconvenient detours right now, things like children breaking arms, and car trouble, and relational and financial struggles and that ugly six letter words CHANGE that force me to take a left turn where I wanted to go right, or a U-turn where I wanted to go through.  In the big picture they are a pain in the rear, and they have their negative effects, but there is nothing life shattering (although, could have been bone shattering, so there's that) but it's just uncomfortable and definitely NOT fun.  

My detours haven't taken me down any roads of late that I'm not still familiar with, but they are complicated and out of the way, and I just don't want to go there.  But, there I am.  And in all honesty, it does not bring the best out in me, especially when they seem to come in rapid succession.  Boom, boom, boom.  I want to cry out "FOUL!"  And in all honesty, it even makes me a little mad at God. (I know, I know, I'm the only one...) I think over and over, "Lord, if only _____" and I am adept at filling in the blanks with the little things that could have been different to change the outcome, and to keep me out of the detour.  In all honesty, "Why?" becomes my favorite question.  And the little spoiled child rises up inside me and my internal temper tantrum (which sometimes oozes out externally) twists my innards in a knot.  

The reality is, not all detours are minor like the ones I'm muddling through now.  Some of the detours are long, dark and windy.  They are the roads no one ever wants to find themselves on - but once detoured in that direction, there is no way out but through it.  No U-turns.  Death, disaster, divorce, miscarriage, infertility - no one ever plans for these things, no one ever signs up to take that road, but sometimes the detours just come, and there is no way around it but through it.  It brings a couple of scriptures to my mind. 

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, 

and He delights in his way.

Psalm 37:23

I have a love/hate relationship with this scripture.  On the one hand it offers hope.  It tells me that God had a plan, and that there is purpose.  On the other hand, it just really ticks me off that in God's sovereignty He was OK with the struggle, or worse, in those really dark times, He was OK with the pain.  In my very fleshly humanness, I would like very much for life to be painless and simple, but it's simply not the way. 

Yes, I realize the Bible says that "it rains on the just and the unjust" and that in life bad things happen to good people, God's people.  Or as a Californian in the midst of the worst drought in decades, you could say that "Good things happen to bad people" (since we'd see rain as a good thing.) But which ever way you see it, it's true.  Belonging to God neither makes you immune to struggle and pain, nor does it guarantee you a blissful and peaceful existence (and on a side note, we should really stop presenting the Gospel as a panacea for that exact reason.) 

In all honesty, as I annoyed (and disagreeable) as I am about my detours, I see other people in detours of their own that make me even more filled with "Why?" and "God couldn't You have just"s...  As much as I "get it," I just don't get it... I know what it says "on paper," but the practical of scripture does not play out painlessly.  And the old adage "Life is hard, but God is good," sometimes sounds hollow, whether you're feeling a little beat up by life, or whether life has pulled the rug right out from under you.

There's this other scripture that comes to my mind as I think about the detours of life. 

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

It says it with authority, ALL things.  So from inconvenience to injustice, God promises to have His hand in it.  And He promises to work it out - for our good and His glory, and most of all to make us more like Jesus. It does NOT make the difficulties or the disasters any easier to weather.  At least for me, I know my flesh still rages against it, BUT if we are honest it does again invite in that little glimmer of hope.  God has not abandoned, He's actively at work, and we can trust Him.  For me, I do it with a little kicking and screaming along the way, but turns out God is equipped to handle my humanness, He loves me right in the midst of it.

Whether you are dealing with absolute darkness or just unpleasant difficulty in the midst of your detour, God's there.  Dare I say you might even find Him more present on the "long way around" than you would have if you had just continued on your plotted out road for yourself.  Above all others, I would say I don't like detours - I HATE them remember? But even in the midst of that I would encourage you, God is God of the detours too.  So hang in there, follow along the unplanned road, and keep your eye out for the signs, God will meet you there and He will lead you through.  Because although you have been led a way you did not plan, God has set that road for you all along, and You will find something there intended for you, even if its just more of Him.

I will give you the treasures of darkness

And hidden riches of secret places,

That you may know that I, the Lord,

Who call you by your name,

Am the God of Israel.

Isaiah 45:3

With my whole heart, the better part

It's only been a couple of days - and they haven't been perfect, but they have been good.  And I feel like the Lord has been speaking to me through them.

A few weeks ago I was really in that "good place" with the Lord.  Abiding.  It is a glorious thing to truly sense the Lord's presence as you go about your day.  I was sensing His nearness (which, by the way, is constant.) But I was hearing Him too.  I had a profound experience, a perspective eye opener type of interaction at the Lord's direction with another person that would fall short off the page if I tried to explain it, but it left me moved.

Then something went awry in our home and with in a couple of days I was knocked out of that abiding place.  Then I spent the next days and weeks trying to figure out how to get back to where I had been.  So profound an experience and it was like the pathway to it was quickly being forgotten.

Now mind you, life is life and to expect to always "experience" God in all of our emotions and senses seems unlikely.  Not because He is not near but because we in our humanness and sinful flesh have the cards stacked against us.  But that does not give us the pass from making the effort to get to that place of abiding that God calls us to.

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me." John 15:4

I love this verse, the whole chapter is one of my favorites in the Bible, and I often hear the Lord whisper to my spirit, "Abide, abide, abide."  Always in three - perhaps for Father, Son and Spirit.  But it my hearts cry to find the way to truly abide.

But disappointed and distracted, despite a few amazing days, I was having the hardest time "getting back" to that place.  But unlike so often in the past, this time I wasn't willing to just give up.

Last week as I opened the scriptures I visited one of my favorite passages.  The lesser known neighbors of one of those verses that is very popular, recited constantly, tattooed regularly and claimed as a life verse for many, Jeremiah 29:11.  But it's the next two neighbors that speak most profoundly to my heart:

 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13

It is verse 13 in particular that grips my heart: And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

So "simple" yet so profound. So this weekend I decided I was going to seek God, as best I could - with ALL of my heart.  And I prayed what that looked like.  

I turned off "data" on my phone - no Facebook, no email, then I left the phone in my car, or plugged in to the charger at the back of the house a lot rather than having it in my hand or in my pocket 24/7.  When I was in the car I kept it in my purse, behind my seat. There was no Twitter, no Instagram checking, and I (gulp) turned off the TV quite a bit too.  Instead of flipping through all 400 channels until I found something I was willing to "settle" on watching, I just turned it off.  It was quite a revelation for a leading member of a family that has multiple TVs on in every waking hour at our house. 

Saturday was the one day I managed to completely unplug for an entire day.  And I focused, FOCUSED on God and on my family.  I got up early before anyone else and read the Word and had breakfast with Jesus.  I took my daughter out and spent an ENTIRE day with her without looking at my phone once.  Not a single "just a minute, honey" to her while I reached out to say something to Facebook, instead I talked to her, and in my mind I talked to God too.  What a novel concept.  We went school shopping and out to lunch together, and I was mindful all day of focusing and investing in her, and ever so aware of God's presence right there with us.  

I did what may seem simple or even stupid to others, but I surrendered my eating to the Lord that day too.  I prayed and was thoughtful about how all my actions helped or hindered my witness and usefulness to Him.  Later in the day I went out with my hubby and I left my phone in the car while we did his errand at Home Depot.  

That night we had dinner the five of us together, working to put everything on the table, praying around the table, laughing and talking through the meal.  Then we went for a walk, ALL FIVE OF US!  It was AWESOME!  And we came home and had a family movie night.  And I actually focused on the movie, and on the people I was watching it with.  

I felt so close to both my God and to my people.  I just hadn't realized how much of not only a distraction, but a detraction from life my phone, social media and even the TV had become. I mean, I knew, but I really didn't know. I never watched a movie without playing solitaire on my phone. "What did I miss?" I would always ask because I was reading someone's post on Facebook.  

At one point in the midst of my time with Victoria while we were out and about during the day, I whispered a little silent "thank You" to the Lord for directing me to seek Him with my WHOLE heart.  I thanked Him for what a gift the time with my daughter felt like.  And I heard in my heart Him whisper back, "You have chosen the better part." 

It's a reference from the tale of Mary and Martha: 

Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”

And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Now, I have never considered myself a Martha type - not so much because I am not thoroughly distract-able, but because I am not likely to be found busy in the kitchen when there is company in the living room. In a heartbeat I would rather be with the crowd.  But I am also likely to be the girl with her phone on the table, or in her hand, constantly disconnected from what's happening right on front of me.  

"Diana, Diana," Jesus might say, "You are worried and troubled about many things - Who liked your Instagram photo, who commented on your funny Facebook post, how many hours you can waste watching a marathon of all the Law & Order SVU episodes you've already seen many times.  But you CAN choose the better part." 

And so that's what I did almost all of this weekend. (I will confess when I made a short visit to Facebook to post something for a friend in need, it felt like it rose up a crack level addiction inside me, wondering and worrying what I was missing, but I managed to step away.) And it's what I long to do consistently and always - Choose the better part. Step away from the things that trouble and distract me, and focus on my God and my people. 

My husband, my children, and most of all my God - they are first.  (Not in that order but God, hubby, kids.) I've spent a lot... A LOT of years longing to fit in and find a place of belonging, and honestly Facebook magnifies how much I have not found that, specifically in ministry.  And lately the Lord has just been over and over reiterating to me that my family is my first ministry, and my most important.  And God has placed good and solid friendships in my life that actually extend beyond Facebook, and I am trying to invest myself there in a greater way - in a REAL life way, face to face, with coffee or dinner or with a handwritten card or (gulp) maybe even a phone call on occasion.  

Most of all the quiet that is created when changing this priority seems to make my heart more open, and my spiritual ears as well, to hear the prompting of the Holy Spirit in my life.  So I am going to really intently try to seek the Lord, WITH MY WHOLE HEART - and I'm going to choose THE BETTER PART, of quietness and sitting in relationship with God and others "IRL", rather than busyness and striving in the distractions of life today.  It won't be easy and I will likely fail, but I'm going to try.  

Spoken For - A Book Review

I want to come right out of the gate by saying, I REALLY liked this book!  A lot!

When I thumbed through all the options of books to choose to review for Blogging for Books, I had a hard time picking on out, but this book, Spoken For, kept drawing me back.  In my mind the concept, "Embracing who you are and Whose you are," seemed simple but the truth proves profound, and that's exactly what I felt was so wonderfully expressed by the authors Robin Jones Gunn (author of the Christian novels in the Christy Miller Series) and Alyssa Joy Bethke (new mama, author and wife of Jefferson Bethke, hip young author, evangelist and "YouTube preacher" - you may have seen his viral video sensation "Why I hate religion but leave Jesus.")

I drug the reading of this book out for several weeks, most of the chapters were read sitting on the on the edge of the ocean with my toes dug deep in the sand and with the beauty of the Pacific Ocean peeking over the top of the book.  It was the perfect place for me to soak in the simple but profound truths filling this book.  It wasn't that it was difficult to read but I just wanted to take my time and really soak it in.

One of my favorite things in the world is a good women's retreat, and that's what the 182 pages between the covers of this book felt like to me.  I love a retreat where you are given solid teaching and then wander back to a big room with lots of couches filled with women pondering what they have heard and how it has or could apply to their own lives.  As I opened the book, Spoken For, I felt like I was sitting on a comfy couch between Robin and Alyssa with my feet tucked up under me as they shared stories from their own lives about how God had proven Himself to be true to the promises and declarations in His word.  They took me into the truth of their own experiences and I was touched by their faith, and it made the scriptural truths they shared more tangible and real.

Although I read this book on my own, I think this book would be an excellent resource for a women's study group - whether it was a few friends going through it together or an entire women's ministry study.  It's the kind of book that is simple enough for even a new or young believer but also holds nuggets and powerful reminders even for a woman like me who has walked with the Lord for decades.  Although I didn't take advantage of them going through the book alone, it has a great section at the end of each chapter titled "What Do You Think?" that is filled with thought provoking questions that would make it great to go deeper into the topic or foster excellent discussions in a small group setting.

Whether it's 5 out of 5 stars or two thumbs up, I would say this book is absolutely worth the investment.

If you aren't ready to take my word for it, read the first chapter for yourself by clicking here.

When you see I'm right, you can buy the book by clicking here.

You can also hear from author, Alyssa Joy Bethke, for yourself in the video below:




I received this book for free from Blogging for Books for this review.