Solid and secure

When I was a little girl, about the age my daughter is now, my parents took me on a family vacation to Hawaii. One of the things we did while were there was take my first catamaran ride. I remember it was a perfectly beautiful Hawaiian day. The sky was gorgeous, the temperature perfect and the ocean stretched out as far as the eye could see in all the beautiful shades of blue that only God Himself could paint so perfectly.

The blues were breathtaking, but it was the green that knocked the wind out of me. And it was not stretched out before me, but it certainly seemed to want to pull something out from inside me. We were not out on the water more than a few minutes before I started to feel as sick as a dog. I was torn between crumpling down into a pile or hanging my head off the side. The waters weren't even all that rocky, but they were enough to turn my stomach into a mess.

Comfort was nowhere to be found. Head between knees, hands over eyes, fetal position on the bench - nothing brought me or my stomach any peace. And I think it was about this time that my dad came and found me, and from the look on his face the color of mine was clear - NOT GOOD GREEN. He sat down on the bench and had me lay down with my head in his lap looking out toward the waters. My stomach turned as the waters shifted with the waves.

My dad leaned down into my ear. "See that island off in the distance?" he asked. With the rise and fall of the catamaran I caught sight of it. "Look straight at it," he said. I think I moaned my objection wanting to close my eyes and block out the waters and their movement, but my father sternly warned against it. "Don't close your eyes," he said. "Trust me, focus on the island over there that is solid and isn't moving."

In desperation and doubt I did what my Father said. I stopped looking at the waves that rushed about, and I looked over and beyond the side of the boat that swayed as it rode above them and I fixed my eyes on the island, solid and secure, Slowly but surely my nausea began to subside. As my color started to slowly return to a more human shade, my dad told me again, "When you're disturbed by the things that are moving, and you feel tossed about, you have to look at what is solid and secure."

There was a deep wisdom in my father's advice that I didn't fully recognize that day some 32 years ago. But the Truth of it resonates in my mind nonetheless as we find ourselves riding in a different kind of waters today.

There is so much that is uncertain, both in our personal lives and in the "bigger picture" as well. The economy is bad, and doesn't offer a lot of hope to our challenges in our personal finances. Health of some in our family is questionable, jobs are at risk, which leads to a long list of other waves that beg to toss us about. And when I catch myself looking at all that is swirling around us in "the boat" we are in, emotionally speaking I can feel myself start to turn pretty green.

But I hear my heavenly Father whispering the same kind of Truth that my daddy whispered into my ear that day on the catamaran. "Look at what's solid and secure," He says. "Fix your eyes on what, and more importantly Who, does not move."

Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is standing firm in the midst of the storms we are facing. The Word of God promises peace when we fix our eyes on Him. (Isaiah 26:3) It's not a promise of peaceful circumstances, but a promise of peace in the midst of whatever situation, struggle or even crisis we may face.

Just like I needed to fix my eyes on the island to calm my stomach, it is by fixing my eyes, heart, mind and faith on the Lord that my spirit will be calmed in the ride on the waters of life. Because however I may feel tossed about - He alone is the One thing unmoving. He alone is the One that is solid and secure.

The good news is that His security is for far more than this temporary life. As I keep my eyes fixed on Him in the waters, a time will come when my "catamaran" will finally find itself fully docking on the firm shores of the Lord and I will spend my secured eternity with Him there. That's where my home is already built, prepared for me by Him. I just need to keep my eyes focused on my way, and it will bring a strength and peace that will help me get through this ride called life.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

50 Shades of Gray and then some... #50Shades

Twenty-two years ago this month I suffered my first miscarriage. I didn't know it at the time, but it turned out to be a huge turning point in my life, and a bookended on the part of my life I lived apart from Christ.

I had gotten married just ten months before, but I had been trying desperately to get pregnant for over a year. The child I had aborted two and a half years before that had created a hole in my heart that I was trying so very hard to fill.

I was celebrating my 22nd birthday on a Friday at Disneyland the day the bleeding started. I was very irregular in my cycles so I thought it was just the unfortunate arrival of an unexpected visitor. The next day I spent resting as the bleeding got heavier and more uncomfortable, but on Sunday I got up and got dressed because Neal and I had committed to attend the couple's wedding shower of one of his good friends. Within a short while after our arrival my pain and bleeding was so severe that Neal actually had to carry me out of the party and drive me home.

I suffered through the night and made an appointment to see a doctor on Monday afternoon. Whether it was grace or providence, I do not know, that had me laying in the office of a woman doctor who was on call that afternoon. I am to this day thankful that it was a woman doctor because I felt a level of sensitivity from her as she examined me and told me that I was in the final stages of a miscarriage.

"It's not your fault, it's not your fault," she said repeatedly. "It just happens."

Her words were cold comfort, but I appreciated the effort just the same. In that moment as I gathered myself together and prepared to leave the doctor's office, an unquestionable certainty filled me, mind body and soul. I knew she told me it was nothing I had done, but to the very depth of myself I knew she was wrong. This was my justice. This was what I deserved. God, I was certain, was paying me back for the sin that I hidden so deeply in my heart.

I had killed my child, and now he took another one away. I had aborted my first pregnancy when I was nineteen, and now He took this baby from me on my 22nd birthday. I was destroyed.

What made matters worse was it was a secret. I had lied and kept the truth from the father of both my children. My new husband had no idea that I had lied to him about aborting our first baby, and he had no understanding of why I was so desperate to have another. I couldn't even drive myself home from the doctor that day. I felt guilt, shame, pain, and I believed with my whole heart I deserved exactly what I had received. God had brought down the hammer, and rightly so.

I think back about that girl and my heart breaks for her. She really had no concept of who God was. Her belief and image of an angry, punishing being was so real, but so completely inaccurate. I am so grateful that God was swift in that time of utter brokenness to send me into the path of people who would correct my errant understanding of who God was. Someone took me to the foot of the cross, and in my muck and mire and shattered spirit, they bent with me there and explained the truth about Jesus.

They told me about Jesus, the very Son of God, who loved me so much he came to earth and gave up His majesty to live life as a man so He could conquer the sin and darkness that so easily entangled me. They told me about a Father God who loved me so much He was willing to crucify that perfect, beloved Son to pay the penalty of death that I so completely deserved. My soul could scarcely comprehend the magnitude of grace... it was amazing.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now was found. Was blind but then I did see.

It's a compelling moment to revisit, and one that as the years went by I slowly seemed to forget. For as the years passed I exchanged this sold out amazement, of a girl undeservedly rescued, awed by the grace of God and the power of forgiveness and exchanged it for a slowly built wall of self-righteousness and works. Forgetting the miracle I had been given, I began to actually think I was somehow impacting God - impressing or pleasing Him with my, "my," gifts and talents and works, rather than living in the awareness of how His finished work had impacted me. How it had changed me. How it had changed my whole world. I just simply seemed to forget.

The farther I walked away from those first days, the more black and white the world seemed to become, until one day everything was black and white, right or wrong, of God or of the devil - and I had crowned myself the expert of it all. Life was clear to me, I knew everything I needed to know, and could proclaim judgment like God Himself, and often did. There were NO gray areas.

But these past few years God has been dealing with me and the wall that I'd built. I didn't really realize that it had completely obscured the cross, but it also hid the truth about the woman that had bent her knee there in total recognition of her need for her salvation and her Savior. Now make no mistake, God loves each of the women that I was on either side of the wall equally. But just as He was not willing to leave me broken, neither was He willing to leave me self-made. He needed both of me to open my eyes and recognize my need of the Savior. We both needed to be amazed. And as God has slowly and systematically undone my wall of works and self-righteousness, and removed the obstacle in my view of the cross, I am amazed again, and I do remember the God who loves sinners, so much so that He was willing to lay down His life to rescue us from the punishment we all so completely deserve.

With the wall down further, my view less obscured, as I look around, I realize it is better that I see the world around me not in black and white, but in all the shades of gray that do not see the reality as clearly as I'd thought. Don't misunderstand me, I DO believe the world is "black and white." There is a clear right and wrong in all things. Morals are absolute. But what I recognize now is that I am an expert in none of it.

God alone belongs on the throne. He is the only one who absolutely sees the black and white, and it's not just ok that I see things in 50 shades of gray, but it is better that I see the world around me in 50 shades of GRACE. Whatever I may know, it will never compare to what I don't. The heart, the hurt, the motive of another, I cannot comprehend the how or why of another's struggle, only God can do that. Only He sees evreything, He alone is the omniscient One.

There was an incredible penalty paid to ransom me from myself. God thought I was worth it. I wasn't, at least not until He said I was. And as I look around I have a renewed compulsion in my heart to reach out to the lost. Maybe they are feeling broken, or maybe they feel self-made, either way, if they don't have Jesus as their Savior, they need Him. But I also feel compelled to remind those of us who have encountered Him at the cross not to forget, we've done Him no favor and we can never do Him any service or good that would cause Him to love us one ounce more than He did when we came to Him full of sin and need. He loved us at our worst first, and He loved us with His everything. It is incomprehensible this grace, this Amazing Grace.

We need to hold onto it, to remember who we are and from whence we came. And we need to let it go, we need to let it flow into the lives of those around us - the backslidden, the legalist, the heathen, the rebel. We need to look at them all with 50 shades of grace and then some. If they don't know the Lord they need to, and we need to share the hope we have. And if they do know Him they need to never forget that the reality is it's all about Jesus anyway. Let's stop being impressed with ourselves and make sure that the One on the throne is the only One qualified to be there.

I want to share this song below, "Rooftops" by Jesus Culture, because I think it captures the heart of who I was at the cross. I wanted to tell the whole world about what Christ had done for me. And now as He unpacks the religion I built over the two decades, it's who I believe He wants me to be again,it's who I should have always been: the one who will proclaim Him, His goodness and His grace...

Here I am before you
Falling in love and seeking your truth
Knowing that your perfect grace
Has brought me to this place
Because of you I freely live
My life to you, oh God, I give

So I stand before You God
I lift my voice because you set me free

So I shout out your name from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am yours

LVR828 - All Things #lifeverse #romans828

Do you have a life verse? How do you define the term? I imagine there are lots of ways that you could. It could be your aspiration, something you hope to make your focus in life - going forth and making disciples or clothing yourself in compassion. Or it could be something you consider a part of your testimony, once lost now found, blind now see, beauty for ashes or the like. Or perhaps a life verse for you is more a cornerstone in the foundation of your faith, something God has proven to you that you hold onto in difficult days.

I suppose I have different essential verses that would fit into all three of these categories that I hold dear to, but I have been thinking a LOT lately about one of my first life verses that would fall into the last category, because it's one I find myself not only holding on to, but also speaking forth and sharing with others on a pretty consistent basis.

It's a popular verse from the 8th chapter of Romans. And for a girl who came to Christ broken and heavy under shame, guilt and anger, riddled with bitterness and hopelessness, it was one God proved to be true very quickly in my life.

For we know that He works all things together for good for those that Love God and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.

I'm proud to say I wrote that all down from memory, but just in case it's not perfectly quoted in my words, I can assure it is completely understood in my heart.

God showed me very quickly how he can take the worst, ugliest and hardest of a person's life and use it to bring something powerful and beautiful forth. In my case it was the sin, pain and loss of abortion. He used it to bring me, first of all, to Himself. I get a catch in my throat as I type that - thinking about the girl who was so lost, and the way He orchestrated the details of my life to bring me to His cross so that I could lay down my burdens there and be washed clean. He Healed my wounds, and restored so much to me. I know things about God and His redeeming work to the very depth of my bones, deep in my soul because He kept that promise in my life.

But I realized something recently, as many years have wandered by since I first discovered that verse and gripped to it so tightly. Somewhere along the line it took on a little different meaning, a more worldly interpretation even.

I'm sure you have heard it said by those who don't even know Jesus that "Everything happens for a reason." It's this open ended sort of declared hope that even bad things will eventually get better, or that maybe they'll even prove to have some sort of purpose.

Honestly I think it's a little like a hail Mary pass on a football field. It's said like it's thrown up with all one's might hoping it lands in the right place and maybe even gets run for a touchdown. And I realized that a lot of my "holding and sharing" of this verse has had the same kind of feel lately. Like tossing a balloon and hoping it floats.

Then the other day I was thinking about the verse, and the Holy Spirit quickened mine, and I heard it again. That verse isn't saying "everything happens for a reason" at all. It's very clear for us as believers, God works ALL things together for GOOD.

GOOD is a simple word, and one we all know the meaning of. But the thing of it is, when GOD says something is GOOD (like he did in the stages of creation) it's unquestionable. IT. IS. GOOD. That's incredibly exciting to me.

It's not instant, it's not immediate, but it is ultimate. And it's a guarantee. God has made the promise, and He always always always keeps His promise.

We cannot disregard the verse that follows vs 28. God makes it clear that the good in all things DOES have a purpose and that's to make us more like His son, but that's an enhancer to the Truth of verse 28, not fine print that alters it. It's not God's escape clause. It's just the "and guess what else" in the matter.

So I want to encourage you that if you, like me and mine, are facing difficult and hard things, hold to this promise - not with anxiety or hail Mary hope, but with confidence and assurance. God can be trusted to keep His word, and so if you love the Lord, He will keep His word, and even the worst of the worst in your life, He will work for your good.

The thing about anxiety...

Sometimes it starts out as a completely physiological response in the body. The problem is, it's to... NOTHING.

Whether you wake up with what feels like a 400 lb weight on your chest or you find yourself in the midst of the mundane of your life and all of a sudden a "flight or fight response" comes upon you in a sudden and overwhelming way, it's just the body doing what it does.

The pulse accelerates, you're more aware of your own blood pumping through your chest, maybe all the way up to your ears even, and heart has relocated, it might be in your throat, might be in your stomach, and there's definitely room there because typically, that's bottomed out completely and anxiety has taken control.

It's like when the pirates came on to Captain Phillips ship in the Oscar nominated film. The pirate of anxiety stands screaming in your face speaking, "I am the Captain now. You hear me? I am the Captain now!"

You don't expect or anticipate anxiety's arrival, it just suddenly shows up. But no one really has to look hard to find something in life to be anxious about, and that's where the real problem begins. You may not know why it came, but you can certainly provide it with dozens of reasons to stay. That unpaid bill, your health, your kids health, the check engine light on your dashboard, your job situation, your home situation, personal finances, the economy, terrorist threats... the list of possibilities is vast, and it's just a matter of time before one of the options stands up and offers to be the mascot fear for the day, and some days it will bring along several of its friends. as well.

I never experienced this kind of anxiety until about 10 years ago. Interestingly enough it was AFTER a very stressful season of my life. I had lived on a heightened level of adrenaline for over three years at that point as we had worked our way through a long and difficult adoption situation with our youngest son. There towards the end the possibility of losing him was very very real, so I spent a lot of days very aware of a real and legitimate fear. But it wasn't long after we signed the papers making him forever ours that I experienced my first anxiety "attack."

As it turns out in my case what probably happened was I had in essence reset my adrenal gland. I had lived life at "Defcon 5" (if you will) long enough that my adrenaline had become a bit trigger happy. The first several months it was really bad, and very overwhelming. I remember having to get up and leave a women's Bible study because they had put my table in the back in a corner and I felt trapped. I could not make myself "vulnerable" to a room full of beautiful, wonderful, God-fearing women because my heart would begin to race if too many of them were between me and the exit. It wasn't a logical fear, but it didn't matter if it was logical, because it was powerful.

Anxiety has never completely left me in these ten years since. The way I am today with it is different than I was when the attacks first began happening because I am more aware, more educated, and there are tricks and skills that I can use to help myself counteract the attacks, but the attacks themselves, they have a mind of their own. I cannot stop them from happening, though they have spread out much further than the multiple times a day that they were in the beginning, but I can and have learned to respond rather than react-- most of the time.

A lot of helps me is scripture. I have learned to stand in front of a mirror and declare the truth of God's word over my fears, wherever they may land after the attack has come. Afraid of the future? I remind myself God plans a future and a hope for me. Overwhelmed by the things going on today? I remind myself that God has promised to work all things, even the things that I'm afraid of, for my good. And I am always, always, always reminding myself that my "light and momentary troubles" do not compare to the glory that is to come. Even if it doesn't feel like there is anything light or momentary about them.

That's the thing about anxiety, it has this talent for taking center stage. It demands your attention. It's not easily silenced. All the while as a Christian I am constantly aware of God's command, "BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING." And because the command is there lots of Christians who have never experienced anxiety look at those of us who do like we are somehow choosing to sin. Oh yes, it always helps to heap that on top of a battle you're already feeling like you're losing, add condemnation and shame. Christians are NOT supposed to have anxiety attacks, and yet, lots of us do.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
"See Christians," we say, "it's a simple recipe, just like instant pudding." And maybe it is simple, but have you ever tried to eat instant pudding without letting it set? It's a bit of a runny mess. And likewise, sometimes this simple recipe has to set before the "peace that surpasses all understanding takes shape."

It's actually the second half of verse 5 that comes right before this recipe that speaks the most hope to me in the midst of an anxiety attack. It says simply, "The Lord is at hand."

That's why I have any hope of peace. Not because I have dropped my nickel prayer into the peace machine, but because God Himself is with me and for me and watching over me. And He alone is the source of my peace, it has very little to do with my capacity for a prayer of any power. It's not about the prayer at all, but really about the One who longs to answer it.

The Bible promises us in Isaiah 26:3 You(God) will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Peace over storms isn't really about a process, it's about a Person. Christ is our Peace, and so our response when Anxiety takes center stage and demands our attention is to purposely move our focus as quickly as we can manage to the Source of peace. And the good news is, He never moves.

Don't misunderstand me, fighting back anxiety is hard work. Some days it's harder than others. The key is to keep pushing back. God is not the source of our anxiety, so we know it's not a part of His plan. However long it takes to remind ourselves, we have to get back to the point that God has our back. God has your back, and thankfully He has mine too. And His promises, the ones we need to declare over our anxiety are like glasses that help us get our focus back on him. They are not magic words that scare away the boogie man, but they are truth that anchor us in the storms in our soul.

Grab hold of truth, and fix your mind. In his letter to the Philippians Paul goes on to say, (verse 8) Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Jesus is true.

Jesus is noble.

Jesus is just.

Jesus is pure.

Jesus is lovely.

Jesus is of good report - He is the gospel, our Good News.

All virtue is in Him.

Praiseworthy is our Savior.

Meditate on Him.

And in the midst of the battle over anxiety, know He does not judge you nor condemn. But neither does He have any desire for it in you in the abundant life He has called you to. So as you find yourself struggling in the storm, look up, reach out. The Lord is at hand.

Turn your eyes.

"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?"

The first two lines of the hymn, and my heart cries out, "Yes! Yes! I am troubled and weary by all the darkness that I see."

Just in the last half an hour I have been bombarded with warnings of terrorists taking down America. I am disheartened to "journalists" who are mocking marijuana being illegal, laughing at the thought that it has any real negative impact.

People I know are losing their jobs this week, businesses are closing. I saw our own Vice President touting the idea of being part of a welfare nation as something to be aspired to.

I look at my three kids, ages 20, 13 and 12 and I wonder what kind of future this world holds for them. When I was twenty my husband and I were making some questionable decisions but we were prepared for getting married, we were managing on our own. I cannot begin to imagine that for my son. Last week we offered a training level apprenticeship job and there were people with Masters degrees applying for the job because they cannot make it out in the world doing what they spent years and years educating themselves for.

And even our business is a dinosaur fighting extinction, under the duress of things like Obamacare, and competing with a nation that abuses its people that enables them to offer prices we can never compete with.

Things are a mess. Tough all over is an understatement. And if I focus on all that I see, it is hard not to sink into the darkness of discouragement and despair.

Then I think about the refrain of the hymn as it goes on...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

And a verse from Psalm 73 comes into my mind in an instant...

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
Oh to live life in such a way that I would be so dearly focused that the darkness that surrounds would not be able to compare to the beauty of the Light that stands before me. It is no simple task, but oh it is the hope of my salvation.

My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Father, Father, Father, I pray. Teach me to keep my eyes focused and fixed on You. You have promised You will keep in perfect peace the one whose mind is stayed on You. (Isaiah 26:3)

We cannot look for light in the world, the Light has made its home within, we are to be the light, to bring the Light. Christ in you, the hope of glory.

It's so easy to get caught up in the cares of this world. To think we ought to find some hope, peace or satisfaction in this life, when the reality is that this life is but a passageway to the real life we have been promised, eternal life with Christ.

Our job here is to glorify God in all... Worship and praise Him from the pit and from the mountain top. Hold to His promise and Word in both victory and defeat. We are on a mission here, not to make our home in this life, but to bring with us those who do not know of the Home in Heaven that waits for those who trust in Christ.

We are on a mission. It is a dark world, and that's why God has sent His light to lead the way.

Father forgive me for all the times I've let the darkness consume me. Help me turn my eyes upon You, so that Your light may illuminate my heart, that I may lead others to the hope, grace and forgiveness I have found in You. In Jesus' name...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Please help me to remember when I forget....

This morning as I was spending time with the Lord and writing to Him in my prayer journal, I wrote this simple sentence that suddenly reached back up and drew my attention to itself.

"Lord, help me to remember when I forget..."

Suddenly it felt so profound, and the prayer enlarged itself.

Father, when my mind loses focus and I forget who You say I am... help me to remember.

God, when I can't see the light beyond my circumstances, help me to remember Your Word and all Your many promises that have suddenly seemed to forget.

God when I feel lonely or confused, help me to remember what I have clearly forgotten, that You are with me and for me and nothing, absolutely NOTHING can separate me from Your love.

Lord, when I get a little full of myself and prideful about my walk with You, help me to remember from whence I came, and how desperately I still need my Savior just to get through today.

Father, when I forget and focus on the worries of the day and let them consume me, help me remember You said not to worry about tomorrow. Help me to remember You said You would take care of my needs, all of my needs.

Lord, when I get overwhelmed by the world we live in and the things I see, help me remember You are loving and patient and You never tarry. Your timing is perfect.

Father, when my actions indicate I have forgotten my love for You, help me remember me that You love me anyway.

God, when I look back over my yesterdays, recent and long ago, and I am tempted to wallow in my regrets, help me to remember Your sovereignty, and that You have promised to work ALL things together for my good.

God, when I am overwhelmed by my failures and I can't seem to let them go, help me to remember You have chosen to remember them no more.

Father, when I feel lost and out of place in this life of mine, help me to remember this is just a temporary journey, and that I am not home yet.

God when I look in the mirror and I look at my lack, my failure and my fumbles, help me to remember that when You look at me, You see Jesus for I am clothed in His righteousness and not my own.

There's so much to remember Lord, of Your grace, Your goodness and Your blessings...

Help me Father to always keep my eyes on You...

And please help me to remember when I forget.