I have things I like I about my church, and things I don't. Same with pastors, leaders, teachers in my life - things I agree with, and things I don't. Wishing I was a "glass half-full" kind of girl, I'm not, and I am more inclined to note the empty than the full.
It goes for marriage, family- immediate and extended; things I am standing fist held high shouting "YES" to in agreement, and other things where I stare at the ground shake my head and at times even slap myself in the forehead thinking, "Wrong, just wrong."
I have a depth perception problem you see. I can only see as far as I am willing to look (often not past my own opinions); I can only comprehend to the limit of my intellect; I can only discern to the level of my observation. No matter how much I may sit back, take things in and evaluate - I will never have all the facts, I will never completely see the bigger picture, I will never have every piece of evidence to judge the case.
It never stops me from trying, but if I get real - I fall short.
We all do.
Jesus on the other hand will not. He will look at the glass and understand exactly why the line draws where it does - heck, He'll even have a purpose for it.
Jesus will listen to the words of another and hear their heart, not just what they're saying. (Thankfully, and sometimes not so thankfully, that's true when he's listening to me too.)
He understands (and gracefully forgives) impure motives, unconquered weaknesses, overwhelming challenges - and He is frazzled by none of them.
So when I struggle in my sight, looking around thinking things ought to be different - in a church, in a relationship, in a circumstance, I need to remember I can't see what He sees. And maybe instead of looking so hard to see things, I should just look a whole lot harder to see Him.
Him.
The One who said to LOVE.
The One who said to FORGIVE.
The One who said to TRUST.
The One who said to PRAY.
The One who said to ABIDE.
I will never find the perfect job, ministry, home, life, family, church, opportunity...
But the perfection I crave to look upon is there, but it's a Person - not a place, circumstance or thing. Jesus is the Perfection in my life. He's the One who's got it right.
So in my imperfection I must simply (and not so simply) seek after Him and trust that He sees and knows and will manage all that I can't. (And newsflash: He does.)
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Systematically undone
I keep thinking about changing the name of this blog from "My Walk of Faith" to "Systematically Undone," because I feel like that is what is happening to me.
All the years I spent with my building blocks, stacking my faith system, my opinions, my viewpoints, etc., into the existence of who I "am." Three years ago I would have told you I had a pretty good sense of myself, what I believed and how I viewed the world. I was comfortable - everything in black and white, clean lines, orderly.
In these last three years though, God has come along to my little monument and begun to undo what I had done. Like a twisted game of Jenga, He has not chosen to tear things down simply from the top, nor has He chosen to just level things by pulling out the bottom, instead, he has carefully removed my blocks from the most random places - sometimes moving them, sometimes completely tossing them aside. Some blocks being removed have caused a great shift, others have allowed for certain areas to crumble, and because He is clearly the Jenga Master He is able to do so without total destruction.
Where I find myself today in this continued work God is doing is to feel "unknown." People who knew me well three years ago (and hold onto those same perceptions of me today) really know very little about who I am now. There are a few who have been "around" for the process and many would testify that I am, in fact, different than I was before. I've on more than one occasion watched the shock pass through their eyes as they received grace from me rather than judgment, or compassion rather than opinion. I can't take any credit for it, nor do I try to, it's only to say, I'm not so full of myself anymore. These broken down walls no longer hold us the facade of who I used to be. Or rather, who I used to think I was.
Now don't get me wrong - I still believe in right and wrong and absolute Truth, I just no longer find myself in the position to have to be the defender of something that will stand no matter what I do. And instead of feeling the need to correct the world on a doctrine, I find myself longing to be the ambassador of the One who rescued me twice - first from my sin, and then from myself.
Sometimes it is painful. The building blocks guarded me from having to care or feel for those around me. And in all honesty there are levels of callous it created on my heart that are STILL being removed, but I see them for what they are, and I know they ought not be there. Sometimes is the pain of actual compassion for another, and sometimes the pain is wanting to be more compassionate. Either way, sometimes I have to sometimes squint my eyes at the shining truth.
What truth? That I am not God. That although He knows my heart thoroughly, no matter how much I want my heart to be after His, in the end, I'm going to fall short. We're all going to fall short. His ways are not our ways, we look at the logical looking for the supernatural and the two will never walk hand in hand.
It's like trying to take a picture of the wind. You cannot capture with your eyes alone what you must sense and experience on a whole other level to comprehend. "Faith is evidence of things NOT seen...."
We are ALL works in process, but it's as though I feel like this is such a season of profound tearing down and rebuilding that even those who are in my life now cannot know fully who I am or where I'm at because even I am constantly surprised at myself. I hear myself speak a word of grace and I wonder "Was that me?" Shocked only more by the depth that I meant it than that it came from my own voice.
It's funny (not haha, but odd) how although I am still struggling greatly with hurts of my past that I must overcome, that God's great work in my life seems to be having gone back "all the way" to the beginning of when I came to know Him and give my life to Him. Like a scene from Dickens, the God of the past stands with me and we look upon the girl who came to the cross knowing her need for a Savior, the depth of her sin, and drowning in her brokenness. I no longer look at her and think "how far I've come," but now I see I did not "overcome" her, I just buried her behind my building blocks, and began to forget she existed - much to my demise.
What I realize now is the only thing that has really changed is a greater understanding of Who God is, and a loss of understanding of who I am. I am still just as wretched and broken, and just as in need of a Savior today as I was that day almost 22 years ago. In many ways I was healthier then than I have been on any day since because I recognized the Truth... apart from Christ, I am nothing.
God forgive me for being impressed with myself, and any accomplishment in Your name, or any talent or gift you ever bestowed upon me. It was always You, and it will always BE You, because the moment it becomes all me or about me, all value is lost.
Today is a good day - my awareness is strong, not only of my need for God, but of His presence and the work He is doing. I suspect this game of Jenga between He and I will be life long. I am certain in my sin and struggle I will put back up blocks that He will again and again have to remove or reposition, but He is patient and loving, and at the end of the day whatever structure remains, the key is simply this - the foundation is secure, Christ alone, and Him crucified.
All the years I spent with my building blocks, stacking my faith system, my opinions, my viewpoints, etc., into the existence of who I "am." Three years ago I would have told you I had a pretty good sense of myself, what I believed and how I viewed the world. I was comfortable - everything in black and white, clean lines, orderly.
In these last three years though, God has come along to my little monument and begun to undo what I had done. Like a twisted game of Jenga, He has not chosen to tear things down simply from the top, nor has He chosen to just level things by pulling out the bottom, instead, he has carefully removed my blocks from the most random places - sometimes moving them, sometimes completely tossing them aside. Some blocks being removed have caused a great shift, others have allowed for certain areas to crumble, and because He is clearly the Jenga Master He is able to do so without total destruction.
Where I find myself today in this continued work God is doing is to feel "unknown." People who knew me well three years ago (and hold onto those same perceptions of me today) really know very little about who I am now. There are a few who have been "around" for the process and many would testify that I am, in fact, different than I was before. I've on more than one occasion watched the shock pass through their eyes as they received grace from me rather than judgment, or compassion rather than opinion. I can't take any credit for it, nor do I try to, it's only to say, I'm not so full of myself anymore. These broken down walls no longer hold us the facade of who I used to be. Or rather, who I used to think I was.
Now don't get me wrong - I still believe in right and wrong and absolute Truth, I just no longer find myself in the position to have to be the defender of something that will stand no matter what I do. And instead of feeling the need to correct the world on a doctrine, I find myself longing to be the ambassador of the One who rescued me twice - first from my sin, and then from myself.
Sometimes it is painful. The building blocks guarded me from having to care or feel for those around me. And in all honesty there are levels of callous it created on my heart that are STILL being removed, but I see them for what they are, and I know they ought not be there. Sometimes is the pain of actual compassion for another, and sometimes the pain is wanting to be more compassionate. Either way, sometimes I have to sometimes squint my eyes at the shining truth.
What truth? That I am not God. That although He knows my heart thoroughly, no matter how much I want my heart to be after His, in the end, I'm going to fall short. We're all going to fall short. His ways are not our ways, we look at the logical looking for the supernatural and the two will never walk hand in hand.
It's like trying to take a picture of the wind. You cannot capture with your eyes alone what you must sense and experience on a whole other level to comprehend. "Faith is evidence of things NOT seen...."
We are ALL works in process, but it's as though I feel like this is such a season of profound tearing down and rebuilding that even those who are in my life now cannot know fully who I am or where I'm at because even I am constantly surprised at myself. I hear myself speak a word of grace and I wonder "Was that me?" Shocked only more by the depth that I meant it than that it came from my own voice.
It's funny (not haha, but odd) how although I am still struggling greatly with hurts of my past that I must overcome, that God's great work in my life seems to be having gone back "all the way" to the beginning of when I came to know Him and give my life to Him. Like a scene from Dickens, the God of the past stands with me and we look upon the girl who came to the cross knowing her need for a Savior, the depth of her sin, and drowning in her brokenness. I no longer look at her and think "how far I've come," but now I see I did not "overcome" her, I just buried her behind my building blocks, and began to forget she existed - much to my demise.
What I realize now is the only thing that has really changed is a greater understanding of Who God is, and a loss of understanding of who I am. I am still just as wretched and broken, and just as in need of a Savior today as I was that day almost 22 years ago. In many ways I was healthier then than I have been on any day since because I recognized the Truth... apart from Christ, I am nothing.
God forgive me for being impressed with myself, and any accomplishment in Your name, or any talent or gift you ever bestowed upon me. It was always You, and it will always BE You, because the moment it becomes all me or about me, all value is lost.
Today is a good day - my awareness is strong, not only of my need for God, but of His presence and the work He is doing. I suspect this game of Jenga between He and I will be life long. I am certain in my sin and struggle I will put back up blocks that He will again and again have to remove or reposition, but He is patient and loving, and at the end of the day whatever structure remains, the key is simply this - the foundation is secure, Christ alone, and Him crucified.
Monday, September 30, 2013
On the road of faith...
I am always bouncing back and forth between being on and off track with getting healthy bu being active and watching what I eat, etc., trying to be healthy (which is probably a whole blog post in itself) but one of my favorite things to do when I am trying to live an "active" lifestyle is just walking.
I am not a fan of thehamster wheel treadmill. I go nowhere and I lose interest quickly. I'd rather put my tennis shoes on and get outside and start moving, swiftly. Sometimes I know exactly where I am headed, and other times I just move and make up the rules in my head as I go. I've walked to "where the sidewalk ends" and I have walked a certain number of steps or a certain length of time but whatever way I go what I like best about actually walking is that no matter how far I go, I have to walk back. So wherever my will to go on further ends, my body will benefit from the return trip.
I've logged a lot of miles in the streets of Orange County, must of them swift walking steps, a small portion of them may have even qualified as a run, but from my many observations, I have learned a few lessons along the way that can be nicely expanded to cover the walk of faith as well.
Beware of being like those making right hand turns. It's my opinion that these are possibly one of the most dangerous creatures out on the road. Why?
Because they are rarely looking where they are headed. Their focus is always on what's behind them down the road they're entering on. (That's bad grammar I don't know how to fix.) And if they aren't looking down the wrong direction, their focus is always on the other cars around them, and never on themselves. I'll never walk in front of someone making a right hand turn because I have seen too many times how much they will not actually look to where they are moving - and if you happen to be in that path, you might just get squished.
It's given me a lot of pause to think as I stand waiting to catch the eye of those drivers. I've had my fair share turn to notice me and be irritated because they really need to wait to let me pass. I have the right of way, they do not.
I know I have found myself to be a right hand "turner" too many times on my road of faith. I am distracted completely by what everyone else is doing, all those who seem to be moving in the direction that I want to go. I'm looking back at them, and I am looking at the road from where they've come and try to force myself into the move of traffic only to find when I turn to see where I need to go, that the Holy Spirit is standing in front of me taking His right of way, and I am being told I have to wait.
The right handed turn has to be timed perfectly. The right on red especially must be carefully done. Moving into traffic is tricky, you can easily be taken out, serious damage being done to you. If you don't look where you're headed, you can do as much damage as you suffer.
It's a lot like the Walk o Faith - Yes, there are turns we have to make in where we are headed and what we do. We have to mind the cues given to us by the King of the faith traffic, and if He says, "No right on red," then we have to wait. If someone stands before us, again, wait. But with patience and confidence, not focusing on where anyone else is headed, but rather focusing on where we are going, and waiting for permissions to all align, when the timing is right and the green light is there, that is the time to GO.
God's timing is perfect. We need to trust and wait, and He will get us where He wants us to be.
I am not a fan of the
I've logged a lot of miles in the streets of Orange County, must of them swift walking steps, a small portion of them may have even qualified as a run, but from my many observations, I have learned a few lessons along the way that can be nicely expanded to cover the walk of faith as well.
Beware of being like those making right hand turns. It's my opinion that these are possibly one of the most dangerous creatures out on the road. Why?
Because they are rarely looking where they are headed. Their focus is always on what's behind them down the road they're entering on. (That's bad grammar I don't know how to fix.) And if they aren't looking down the wrong direction, their focus is always on the other cars around them, and never on themselves. I'll never walk in front of someone making a right hand turn because I have seen too many times how much they will not actually look to where they are moving - and if you happen to be in that path, you might just get squished.
It's given me a lot of pause to think as I stand waiting to catch the eye of those drivers. I've had my fair share turn to notice me and be irritated because they really need to wait to let me pass. I have the right of way, they do not.
I know I have found myself to be a right hand "turner" too many times on my road of faith. I am distracted completely by what everyone else is doing, all those who seem to be moving in the direction that I want to go. I'm looking back at them, and I am looking at the road from where they've come and try to force myself into the move of traffic only to find when I turn to see where I need to go, that the Holy Spirit is standing in front of me taking His right of way, and I am being told I have to wait.
The right handed turn has to be timed perfectly. The right on red especially must be carefully done. Moving into traffic is tricky, you can easily be taken out, serious damage being done to you. If you don't look where you're headed, you can do as much damage as you suffer.
It's a lot like the Walk o Faith - Yes, there are turns we have to make in where we are headed and what we do. We have to mind the cues given to us by the King of the faith traffic, and if He says, "No right on red," then we have to wait. If someone stands before us, again, wait. But with patience and confidence, not focusing on where anyone else is headed, but rather focusing on where we are going, and waiting for permissions to all align, when the timing is right and the green light is there, that is the time to GO.
God's timing is perfect. We need to trust and wait, and He will get us where He wants us to be.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Pharisaical school for girls...
When I came to Christ, I GOT it:
Me = dirty, filthy, guilty, broken, desperately needy SINNER.
Jesus = The Sacrifice, the Holy One, the Cleanser, Redeemer, Healer, Lover of my soul.
You put the two together, and it was radical - LIFE CHANGING!
And Psalm 130 - (go read it) I TOTALLY got it... even though I didn't know much about the Bible, or Psalms or anything specific to those verses - I GOT it.
If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
Psalm 130:3-4
I don't know exactly when it started to happen, but it did. Someone probably praised me for something I had done - reading my bible maybe, or memorizing a verse. It was like being given a little ribbon, being told, "Well done." And it felt like I was earning points.
I kept doing, and the ribbons kept coming - I really started working on making sure I was looking good. The list of ways to earn my ribbons got longer and longer - monitoring how I spoke, and what I wore, what I watched and listened to... check, check, check... ribbon, ribbon, ribbon.
Then after a while - I started looking around at other people... and I started judging them for their "ribbon earning power." Oh no, no, I'd think... you shouldn't watch that... drink that... wear that... you won't earn your ribbons. And then I would even look down on them because they weren't working the ribbon system at all.
Somewhere along the line, I lost a lot of my focus of that Jesus who came to set me free, and found myself unknowingly bound by my beautiful ribbons. Truth be told there were times I was pretty darn impressed with myself. I liked my ribbons, and I thought they made me look good. People told me they did. And people were always pressuring me to earn more, but no one pressured me like I pressured myself.
I spent a lot of years in a place where everyone was impressed with one another's ribbons. You had to earn certain ribbons to qualify for certain opportunities, if your ribbons were missing, or even tattered or torn, you were disqualified. You were benched. Overlooked. Disregarded.
I know this, because there were times when I was doing the disqualifying, the benching, the overlooking, even the disregarding - sometimes actively, sometimes just in my own mind.
Once in a while I would get this pang of futility - looking down at all my ribbons, and I would realize they just didn't feel like enough. And too many times my expectations of others to jump on board to the ribbon earning bandwagon pushed people away, or worse, pushed people down.
I had become a full blown Pharisee and hadn't even applied to the school. The scary thing about being a Pharisee is you really don't realize that's where you've come. In your own heart and mind all the ribbon earning is acts of devotion, but the truth is, you tend to forget a lot about the One you are devoted to.
You forget that the One who swooped in to rescue and gave His very all to know you, to be with you, to love you - the One who paid for you with his very own life in a brutal and violent death - He came when you were aware, when you were BOTH aware of your filth and of your need.
You have to go and stand back at the scene of the crime to get some perspective. Not all the little crimes you committed a long the way, the BIG one - the one where YOU hung Christ on a cross, you nailed his hands and feet. The crime where you let an innocent Man pay the penalty for you.
You have to linger there.
You have to look close.
You have to remember...
He did it willingly. Wantingly. Lovingly.
Stand there with all your ribbons and you will without question realize that they are all but filthy rags. You will drop to your knees and shed them as quickly as you can and drop your face to the floor in gratitude.
For me I had to walk away from a LOT to have my eyes opened to see what I had become. I still loved Jesus, but not the way He wanted me to love Him. I was coming to Him on my terms, not His - and worst of all I had completely abandoned one of His most basic commands: I had stopped loving others.
It didn't just manifest itself inside the "club" of others who had accepted the sacrifice. That was a big part of it, it was like a tier system and if you didn't have the right ribbons, or enough of them, well then... It was like Dr. Seuss's Sneetches gone bad. But worse, judgment closed the club. I found myself looking down on the ones who didn't know anything about ribbons at all.
I stopped concerning myself with the dirty, filthy, guilty, broken, desperately needy SINNERS who desperately needed Jesus to swoop in and save them... just like He had me.
I had become a card carrying legalist - gold member.
I think about how grieved that must have made the Lord. The truth was IN me, but I just buried it under all those ribbons...
When I laid down my ribbons, back at the scene of the crime, that's when the real work began. My mind had been changed and it had to be retrained. It's been a process ever since. I call it being "systematically undone."
I refer to myself as a "Recovering Legalist" now. Sometimes my training rises to the surface and I have to make a choice to think or respond a different way. I am a woman of a lot of opinions, so it's not always easy, and sometimes I fail. But I have to go back to the conversation that the Lord and I had when I came back to the foot of the cross to shed all my ribbons there.
"Love and Worship," He said. "These are to be your focus."
He really had to lay it out for me. If I wasn't loving others, then I wasn't loving Him. And the purest form of worship is to love and build up and invest in others - in the club, and out.
He has a commission and a purpose and a plan for me - but it isn't about ME at all. It's about Him, and His kingdom, and doing all I can to help make sure no one is left behind, and those who are following along, don't lose focus like I did. That we are not what or where we once were - but not because of our works, but because of His.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Hurt has a voice
And sometimes it needs to be shushed...
Lately it has been given free reign. And I had to make an apology for that. The apology was clearly and strongly accepted.
But the problem is that all the talking hurt has done was not just to the person who accepted my apology. That's the thing about voices... they carry.
I have said it before, and I say it again: Words are both my greatest asset and my greatest stumbling block.
I am being vague - but those who need to know what I am saying should know I am saying it and know I am speaking to them. Part of the problem is, I cannot be sure specifically where an apology needs to be made. So I am making it here. I apologize. I can only hope it is accepted. Whether you were offended for yourself or on behalf of another, whether you felt hurt, or even felt betrayed, I am sincerely sorry.
I could try to explain myself, but it seems to me that would only undermine the apology, so I will not.
Instead I hope for fresh starts and second chances and forgiveness.
I cannot promise hurt will always be silenced - my transparency is who I am, and honestly, it ministers to some, but perhaps the few (but the few matter).
I will do my best not to project the past on the present, I will not let fear and feelings from "before" superimpose themselves on the things I see and experience now.
I will take things at face value, give the benefit of the doubt. It is NOT my nature to do so, but I will try - actively.
I will do my best when hurt does speak not to allow it to be accusatory or judgmental.
I will do my best to cause hurt to stop, wait and think before it speaks. And to choose where it speaks wisely.
I am thankful for those who choose to be loving enough to confront and address (even tattle.) I hope second chances and restoration will follow right along.
Only time will tell, and I can only do my new part from here. Words (even vague words) cannot be unsaid. I will think on that and remember that before I speak them again in the future... at least I promise to try.
Hurt has a voice, now hope speaks too.
Today is a new day, mercy is new every morning. I choose to believe that's true.
I hope my apology is accepted.
I'm asking for grace undeserved and a fresh start to go with it.
Sincerely, I apologize.
Lately it has been given free reign. And I had to make an apology for that. The apology was clearly and strongly accepted.
But the problem is that all the talking hurt has done was not just to the person who accepted my apology. That's the thing about voices... they carry.
I have said it before, and I say it again: Words are both my greatest asset and my greatest stumbling block.
I am being vague - but those who need to know what I am saying should know I am saying it and know I am speaking to them. Part of the problem is, I cannot be sure specifically where an apology needs to be made. So I am making it here. I apologize. I can only hope it is accepted. Whether you were offended for yourself or on behalf of another, whether you felt hurt, or even felt betrayed, I am sincerely sorry.
I could try to explain myself, but it seems to me that would only undermine the apology, so I will not.
Instead I hope for fresh starts and second chances and forgiveness.
I cannot promise hurt will always be silenced - my transparency is who I am, and honestly, it ministers to some, but perhaps the few (but the few matter).
I will do my best not to project the past on the present, I will not let fear and feelings from "before" superimpose themselves on the things I see and experience now.
I will take things at face value, give the benefit of the doubt. It is NOT my nature to do so, but I will try - actively.
I will do my best when hurt does speak not to allow it to be accusatory or judgmental.
I will do my best to cause hurt to stop, wait and think before it speaks. And to choose where it speaks wisely.
I am thankful for those who choose to be loving enough to confront and address (even tattle.) I hope second chances and restoration will follow right along.
Only time will tell, and I can only do my new part from here. Words (even vague words) cannot be unsaid. I will think on that and remember that before I speak them again in the future... at least I promise to try.
Hurt has a voice, now hope speaks too.
Today is a new day, mercy is new every morning. I choose to believe that's true.
I hope my apology is accepted.
I'm asking for grace undeserved and a fresh start to go with it.
Sincerely, I apologize.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Schizophrenic
Sometimes that's how I feel - or spiritually bi-polar, perhaps. High highs and low lows and they intertwine and interchange at their own will.
I read an article recently that said "Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment." Sounds like a typical Tuesday (or any other day of the week) to me.
Sensitivity might be an understatement. Sometimes I feel like I live my life inside out - emotions and feelings all on the surface, easily bruised and always a certain level of rawness. It doesn't help that I have forever felt under high scrutiny, judgment and rejections.
I have been known to call my self a "strong flavor," and declare that people either love me or hate me, and there are very few in the middle of the road. But the declaration holds no confidence behind it because the sense (or assurance) that there are people out there that really really don't like me just kills me! I have a friend (and a husband, come to think of it) that says, "Why do you care what other people think?" Like that seems the simplest obstacle to overcome ever!
My answer, "I don't know why I care, but I do! Desperately!" It matters to me what other people think of me. Reality may be that it matters to me THAT people think of me. Lord have mercy, I am so stinking self-focused sometimes! Maybe if i could come to terms with the fact that when I am convinced of dislike, judgment and rejection, the reality may be, people just aren't thinking of me at all! Maybe there would be a great measure of freedom in that. I guess I hope someday I'll know!
I'm reading a book called The Search for Significance. It theorizes that these sorts of human struggles I am sharing are rooted in a misunderstanding of my value to God. I wish that were true. What? Why? Yes, I wish that were true because then I would know the antidote. Time in God's Word and His presence would be convincing. But here's the thing, I am already convinced of God's love.
I came to Christ a filthy sinner with the blood of my murdered unborn child on my hands. I came to Him, broken, desperate, empty. Kind women I did not know came alongside me and POURED His love into me and upon me, and they saturated me and my life with His Word. I drank it in, every gulp, sip and swallow, and I am CONVINCED both of God's love for me, and that He thinks I am wonderful. Me and God - we are GOOD.
But I cannot for the life of me reconcile myself to why that just doesn't seem like enough. I feel badly that I don't believe other people see what God sees in me. I feel badly that people don't buy into how fabulous God thinks I am (tongue firmly in cheek). And this girl who has spent her life striving to prove herself for the approval of others and has hit stone wall after stone wall after stone wall now runs ahead with the expectation she's going to get knocked down, beat up and disappointed again.
And those dark thoughts creep up whenever they want to. Looking through social media and stopping on a picture of friends (even acquaintances) being together, enjoying one another and their friendship - I suddenly feel lonely and sad. Why can't I be happy for them instead of making it all about me? Therein lies the struggle. Does it have anything to do with being creative? I don't know - but just as low as I can go from seeing something like that, the simplest offer a friendship, an email or a tap on the shoulder at church with a smile, all of those things can rise the low to a high that can last for days. The power of feeling like somebody cares or accepts you is powerful.
I am still in a season of loneliness when it comes to friendships. I have good, loving, kind women in my life who I've known for a long time that I now only see occasionally. I have some newer women I see regularly but who really don't know anything about me or about what's going on in my life. And then I compare those relationships to ones that have been lost in my life and it's lonely. And then I can be sitting in that loneliness and suddenly be completely fulfilled in a room with my husband and our kids around us, and the pendulum swings, low to high - one personality to another, and I feel completely schizophrenic or bipolar again.
I am certain God has a purpose for this season. But I also know what it is is not something I can see while I am walking through it. I have to declare it in faith that I know He is with me (first of all) and for me (always) and that on the other side of this season, I will hopefully be a little more like him, a little more usable to Him, and a little more relational with Him.
At times I am convinced that that is the core of this season, that I will know HIM as Friend more than ever before. And there have been moments on my knees where he has felt very present, but it's never all the time - and though He is never more than a prayer away, it's not the same as a friendly face across a table, or a listening ear on the other end of the phone. But then perhaps that's exactly the point - my strength needs to be all the greater and the knowledge I have of who I am in Christ and what I mean to God needs to come to the place where it permeates my existence. And I don't have to strive anymore for the acceptance and approval of others. I hope so. But i have to say, the process is long and sometimes it hurts like hell.
I read an article recently that said "Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment." Sounds like a typical Tuesday (or any other day of the week) to me.
Sensitivity might be an understatement. Sometimes I feel like I live my life inside out - emotions and feelings all on the surface, easily bruised and always a certain level of rawness. It doesn't help that I have forever felt under high scrutiny, judgment and rejections.
I have been known to call my self a "strong flavor," and declare that people either love me or hate me, and there are very few in the middle of the road. But the declaration holds no confidence behind it because the sense (or assurance) that there are people out there that really really don't like me just kills me! I have a friend (and a husband, come to think of it) that says, "Why do you care what other people think?" Like that seems the simplest obstacle to overcome ever!
My answer, "I don't know why I care, but I do! Desperately!" It matters to me what other people think of me. Reality may be that it matters to me THAT people think of me. Lord have mercy, I am so stinking self-focused sometimes! Maybe if i could come to terms with the fact that when I am convinced of dislike, judgment and rejection, the reality may be, people just aren't thinking of me at all! Maybe there would be a great measure of freedom in that. I guess I hope someday I'll know!
I'm reading a book called The Search for Significance. It theorizes that these sorts of human struggles I am sharing are rooted in a misunderstanding of my value to God. I wish that were true. What? Why? Yes, I wish that were true because then I would know the antidote. Time in God's Word and His presence would be convincing. But here's the thing, I am already convinced of God's love.
I came to Christ a filthy sinner with the blood of my murdered unborn child on my hands. I came to Him, broken, desperate, empty. Kind women I did not know came alongside me and POURED His love into me and upon me, and they saturated me and my life with His Word. I drank it in, every gulp, sip and swallow, and I am CONVINCED both of God's love for me, and that He thinks I am wonderful. Me and God - we are GOOD.
But I cannot for the life of me reconcile myself to why that just doesn't seem like enough. I feel badly that I don't believe other people see what God sees in me. I feel badly that people don't buy into how fabulous God thinks I am (tongue firmly in cheek). And this girl who has spent her life striving to prove herself for the approval of others and has hit stone wall after stone wall after stone wall now runs ahead with the expectation she's going to get knocked down, beat up and disappointed again.
And those dark thoughts creep up whenever they want to. Looking through social media and stopping on a picture of friends (even acquaintances) being together, enjoying one another and their friendship - I suddenly feel lonely and sad. Why can't I be happy for them instead of making it all about me? Therein lies the struggle. Does it have anything to do with being creative? I don't know - but just as low as I can go from seeing something like that, the simplest offer a friendship, an email or a tap on the shoulder at church with a smile, all of those things can rise the low to a high that can last for days. The power of feeling like somebody cares or accepts you is powerful.
I am still in a season of loneliness when it comes to friendships. I have good, loving, kind women in my life who I've known for a long time that I now only see occasionally. I have some newer women I see regularly but who really don't know anything about me or about what's going on in my life. And then I compare those relationships to ones that have been lost in my life and it's lonely. And then I can be sitting in that loneliness and suddenly be completely fulfilled in a room with my husband and our kids around us, and the pendulum swings, low to high - one personality to another, and I feel completely schizophrenic or bipolar again.
I am certain God has a purpose for this season. But I also know what it is is not something I can see while I am walking through it. I have to declare it in faith that I know He is with me (first of all) and for me (always) and that on the other side of this season, I will hopefully be a little more like him, a little more usable to Him, and a little more relational with Him.
At times I am convinced that that is the core of this season, that I will know HIM as Friend more than ever before. And there have been moments on my knees where he has felt very present, but it's never all the time - and though He is never more than a prayer away, it's not the same as a friendly face across a table, or a listening ear on the other end of the phone. But then perhaps that's exactly the point - my strength needs to be all the greater and the knowledge I have of who I am in Christ and what I mean to God needs to come to the place where it permeates my existence. And I don't have to strive anymore for the acceptance and approval of others. I hope so. But i have to say, the process is long and sometimes it hurts like hell.
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