Not Alone

I've been battling with my blogging here at My Walk of Faith. I've been trying hard to get a blog written-- in large part out of commitment to my advertisers, but not only for that reason. God has been teaching me so much, and I feel like I am in such a good season. Being in the word every morning has such a powerful impact. The fact that study has been on the book of James only intensifies the matter. "Live what you believe is the message," and it has just reinforced my desire to live my life of faith openly and transparently. And yes several times I have tried to (metaphorically) put the pen to paper here, but to no avail.

I have several blogs, one about my family, another about my struggles with weight loss, another where I show some of my creative works-- but each of these feel more like a hobby. The one dearest to my heart is this blog, it feels like a mission. The other blogs are glimpses into aspects of my life, this blog is the exposure of my very soul.

One thing that has happened for me as I've gone through Beth Moore's study on the book of James (which I sadly completed this morning) has been a sense of reassurance. It's been in the mix of the little off hand remarks she made through her video teachings that have ministered deeply to my soul. It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with certain issues for those inclined to share and to teach. To know that someone I admire as much as I do her (without actually putting her on any sort of pedestal) makes me feel a little less badly about my own battles and shortcomings. Even the typos in her book make me feel a little better about my own novel and its errors. It's funny how much just the sense of camaraderie can be an encouragement.

I think that's always been my heart behind this blog, to expose a little of the "warts and all" of life to maybe help others realize they aren't the "only ones." They aren't the only ones who struggle with a short temper, or yelling at their kids. They aren't the one who have to battle through bitterness and unforgiveness. They aren't the only ones who struggle with a tongue to sharp or words too caustic at times. They aren't the only ones who struggle with trusting God when things get tough even in the little things. They aren't the only ones who sometimes get off track and lose their way. That's why I write this blog-- in hopes that somebody out there will maybe stumble across it and realize they aren't the only ones.

The other reason I write this blog is because I know Jesus is the answer to all of those things. He is the one who can change us from the inside out, makes us braver, wiser, stronger, better tempered. He is the one who can grow fruit in our lives that all amounts of effort and intention will never accomplish. He is the One who will gives us the faith we need in hard times, and will show up just to prove we were right to trust Him. And He is the One who pours out the grace upon us when we still fumble, falter and fail-- miserably.

This Walk of Faith we Christians are called to walk isn't easy. It's not simple or uncomplicated. It's like a three-legged race with our flesh and our spirit and both members of the "team" are running for two different goal lines. Some days my spirit is weak and I move miserably to the goal line that my flesh is seeking after. Other days my spirit is strong, abiding in Christ, drawing power from the One who came to give me abundant life, and the spirit moves mightily toward its victory. It makes me realize that only one side of the tethered pair can actually "win the race." And it's all about one side forcing the other into absolute submission. They can't both be strong, one has to steal the other of its power if they want to get to their goal.

This blog is about encouraging the spirit side in each and every reader who stops to read what I have to say. I hope that I have accomplished that.

I don't know what the future holds for this blog. I'm praying to God and asking Him for His direction. I know that things are often (usually) seasonal in life, and I just don't know if the season for this blog has come to an end. Part of me really hopes not, but another part of me thinks perhaps it is time for change. I just don't know yet exactly what that means. But as long as I am still here and able to blog, I hope that you know, you are not alone in your struggles-- there are others of us like you who find the Walk of Faith a challenging one. And no matter how hard it gets, Jesus is there to see us through-- in that, find the greatest comfort of all.

Growing Grayer

I like to tease my husband about his many, many, many gray hairs. At this point if the "salt" doesn't outweigh the "pepper," the race is certainly neck and neck.  As for me I am still at the age and stage that I can stay ahead of my grays with a pluck here and a pluck there.  Sometimes I tease about being able to trace back a sly new silver visitor to a specific action of one or another of my children.

But the Bible says that "gray hair is a crown of glory, obtained by living a righteous life." (Proverbs 16:31)  I often think of "gray hair" as a sign of wisdom.  Granted this is metaphorical, for there are certainly many who have many gray hairs on their head but no wisdom to show for it.  But I have been thinking a lot about "being gray" and being wise.

I have spent as many of my 42 plus years as I can remember as a completely "black and white" person, a rule follower to the core.  I have always been a firm believer in there being an absolute "right," and the "wrongs being far broader and defined by it. 

The truth is, my rule follower tendencies haven't really changed, and my belief in absolute truth remains strong, but what HAS changed in me is my certainty that I actually know what that truth is.  More importantly I have relaxed considerably in my NEED to be right-- my NEED to convince others to see things MY way, and the NEED to win the argument in order to be at peace with myself.

I've decided that "at peace with me" does not compare to what it is to be (and feel) at peace with God-- a large part of which comes from being at peace with others. What I am NOT talking about here is compromise, I am not talking about sullying biblical truth with worldly values or ways.  I'm not talking about taking a soft stand on obedience to God's word, but what I AM talking about is realizing that the only obedience I can truly concern myself with is my own.  As for those around me, I have to love them, even in their disobedience.

That doesn't mean I shy away from speaking the truth, or rather The Truth, but it means doing so with a humility that understands that I, like very other Christian on the planet will NOT get it all right.  Perhaps that's why the Bible tells us to to "work out" our salvation "with fear and trembling."

It occurs to me that the unbelievers, moreover those who are actually hostile toward the gospel like to attack the differences in Christian doctrine, (safe for example, post- or pre-trib rapture of the church in the last days). They pick at the details and debate what they interpret as our confusion-- raising hands, not raising hands, dancing or no dancing, silly little non-essentials that are an excuse to disregard the giant critical unchangeable truth we all know, salvation comes in Christ alone.

St. Francis of Assisi said "Preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words."  I wonder if better advice wouldn't be, "If you can't speak in love, don't speak for God." (1 Corinthians 13) It's a fine line, because the message of the gospel itself IS offensive, but we need to figure out how to let the message be the only offensive thing, and as the messenger not be offensive at all.

It's all very gray, and like the fog that it feels to be, I find myself wandering a little aimlessly in it.  I want desperately to get it right, but I am realizing all the more, that I probably never will completely.  An excuse not to try? No, but a humility realizing I need God's help desperately to muddle through. 

I have regret for the many in my life I have offended or put off in the need to be SEEN or understood as right.  I am realizing that even if and when I might actually be on point, that the love for the listener has to trump their instruction or correction.  Because if I am sharing it out of that kind of love, it doesn't have any value anyway, because without the love, they'll never receive it. 

As a follower of Christ, I have this beautiful gift, the message of the gospel that I have been commanded to bring forth to a dying world, but His intention has always been that I do it wrapped up in love, kindness, humility, out of a sincerity of heart that I cannot even muster for myself, that I can only accomplish by His grace and the power of His Holy Spirit. 

I am rambling, I suppose-- but I am just realizing that what God spoke to my heart a couple of months ago indeed needs to remain my focus-- "Love and Worship." They are the marks I must bear in order to bring Christ to the world.  The Truth isn't gray, but I must be grayer-- wiser in every way, thinking not highly of myself (or my perspective) but loving people just as Christ does. By Your Spirit, Lord, by Your Spirit.

Living Unsatisfied

I was having a conversation with a new friend this morning. I don't know her well, but I can see that she is thin and beautiful. I know as a runner she is athletic and strong. None of these are the things that are what make me glad to be getting to know her, but these are the observations that are related to what I want to share.
As we were talking her toddler was there with us, and amidst some silliness and play amidst the three of us, her child pinched at her middle. In the moment she made herself vulnerable and looked at me and made comment about "of course that was where the child grabbed." Experience told me she meant on her "fat." 
Now I have to be honest, when I look at this woman, I envy her condition, she is slim (because she works at it), and it was as I was in the shower tonight as I looked down on my own naked rolls, that I thought about our previous interaction.
Now most of us has had the obnoxious experience of hearing a thin person call themselves fat (but not truly wanting to improve, rather just seeking a compliment), but that was NOT what my friend was doing. Her child grabbed her in a place where she sincerely felt "less" (or more, perhaps) than what she considers ideal.  She, it seemed to me, was unsatisfied.
Please do not confuse unsatisfied with dissatisfied, because what occurred to me tonight is that the two words are NOT synonymous. I did not sense the lack of contentment in my friend that comes with DISsatisfaction.
Being dissatisfied has a lot to do with being unhappy, having no joy or contentment ones circumstance or state of being. Whereas being UNsatisfied speaks more to of an unfinished accomplishment, an aspiration not yet achieved.
As I considered this tonight (yes, naked in the shower) it occurred to me that living unsatisfied is a very good place to be.
It is living unsatisfied that keeps a victorious dieter continuing to make good choices in diet and exercise even after one has reached a weight loss goal. And in the far more critical sense of a person's spiritual life, their walk of faith, if you will, it is this "living unsatisfied" that keeps a Christian "pressing on on the upward call of Jesus Christ."
As dangerous as living DISsatisfied in the Christian walk can be, I think living SATISFIED is the most dangerous risk of all.
Satisfied does not equal contentment. Contentment is finding joy and peace where you are, but satisfaction is losing the desire to ever move any further. That is never God's will for us. The Bible says that God is working on us continually "until the day of Christ." Living unsatisfied is signing on and affirming "Yes Lord, continue working on and growing me."
It's living unsatisfied that keeps seeking God, heart, soul, mind and strength. It's what keeps us praying, learning, reading the Word, going to church.
The unsatisfied life is the life that's really living. The unsatisfied life is the life I want to live, seeking God, wanting more, more of Him and more of what He has for me.
Live unsatisfied!!!

Pigpen

Going to reveal a little truth about myself.  Shocking, I know.  I never do that! (I speak sarcasm fluently.)

Anyway, here goes.  Do you remember the little Pigpen character from the Peanuts comics?  He's the one who wanders around with the little dust cloud following him.  Everywhere he goes, that dingy (din-jee) cloud is his constant companion.  Most days, I feel a lot like him.  I'm walking around in the midst of my own dark little cloud that I can't seem to shake.  No, mine isn't dirt, in the physical sense, but it's spiritual filth, and it is the constant cloud of rejection. 

Almost anywhere I go in my life, I walk in with the anticipation of rejection.  There is a very small list of people in my life who I truly and completely feel loved AND ACCEPTED by.  The caps are to indicate that it's not just the love, because there are actually a lot of people who I think love me-- or I at least think they think they love me, which for me is almost as good, but very few who I feel like ACCEPT me as I am.  I could probably count on one hand (with 2 or 3 fingers to spare) the friends in my life who I really feel genuinely like AND ACCEPT me just as I am.  With most people I sense more tolerance than acceptance, and it hurts.

I'm not telling you this (to anyone who might actually be reading it) to feel sorry for me, I'm just sharing a struggle.  See, the way I see it, too often as Christians, we aren't willing to be open and honest about the things we struggle with, and rather than hoping for the victory that comes by having things in the open where Light can shine on them, we keep them hidden behind a happy face where they fester and rot, and sometimes the struggle gets stronger than our faith to be free of it.

I think I have felt this way for a long time.  Maybe I have always felt this way-- a sense of guilt, of not being good enough, a fear of not measuring up.  You might guess it's birthed out of my own dislike for myself, but that isn't true, I do like myself.  Or should I ACCEPT myself, even with my faults. No, that's not the same thing as accepting my faults, I actually strive to be a better person all the time, but it is just to say, I am OK with who I am-- I just really don't believe that most other people are.

Sometimes this sense of rejection manifests itself as a sense of loneliness.  That has definitely been the case in the last year with the magnitude of loss I have experienced in relationship. Thankfully it isn't something I experience in my own home.  I really do believe my husband (mostly) accepts me for who I am, even though I know it drives him a little crazy at times.  And I do not struggle with God's love and ACCEPTANCE.  I know He meant it when He said that "He who began a good work in me will complete until the day of Christ."  I know he is infinitely patient with me, and that I'm a work in process He will not give up on until I am the Masterpiece He intended for me to be. 

That root of confidence in God's love and ACCEPTANCE of me (as a person, not what I do, but who I am) and the love and ACCEPTANCE of my husband helps me get through the constant pain I feel from not really feeling like I am wanted/ loved/ ACCEPTED/ belonging in any other area of my life.  It's a lot like riding in waves of surf on the beach.  There is no logical rhythm to the highs and lows I experience.  Many days I manage fine, the "tide is out" and the cloud of rejection I feel is at a minimum.  Other times it will come up unexpectedly and knock be down into the sand, I'll feel beaten and bruised.  And other times it sucks me out where the sense of rejection is deep.  I have a very hard time getting my bearings there and I cannot often swim back to shore without help. God usually has to pull His lifeguard move when things get that dark, but thankfully He is faithful not to leave me in that place. 

I share all this to say that being a believer in Christ doesn't make us immune to the emotional difficulties of life.  So often we look around at one another and think everyone else has it so together, and we alone have our secret struggles.  The truth is, everybody has a little cloud in their life, yes some people may truly have a better handle on it, but none of us is without a battle.  But better yet, whatever battle you might be facing, you can be confident of this, if you are a follower of Christ, God won't leave you there.

Crisis of Faith

Shame on any of us who would dare to speak as though we have God all figured out, or act as though we can anticipate Him. I know I myself have had times where I have walked in this kind of confidence. I think it's large groups of people walking around in exactly this kind of confidence that might be dividing the church.

The Bible says that God's ways are not our ways, and His knowledge is so high that we can never attain it.  And yet how many of us dare to speak for Him?  As if somehow we know exactly what He is thinking, or exactly how He will respond to us, or worse, to someone else.

I come from a somewhat charismatic background, though the "Holy Spirit driven" atmosphere that I started my walk of faith in greatly waned over the years.  God has moved us somewhere now where I see much less of the "charismatic" than what I grew in, and yet, where we are now is solidly and completely scripturally sound. Or at least, I think it is... And yet I know many who are much farther down the "charismatic scale, and they are in (seemingly) good strong churches where God seems to be moving as well. 

Someone grabbed hold of my husband's arm last night and "read" him according to his personal Holy Spirit meter, "You're pretty light," he said, as if he carried some sort of spiritual authority.  The bible says out words are to "build up" and my thought was that his comment was completely contrary to that, so is that the marker of "not of God" that I saw?  He told us story after story before that about a "deliverance ministry" of sorts, casting demons off people. I know that is possible-- Jesus did it, and before He ascended He told the disciples they would do "greater works" than He with the help of the Holy Spirit. So is it possible for those things to happen?  Yes. But through out our whole conversation the word that I heard most out of his mouth, was "I"... I, I, I....

Finally I said, "you know it's not you, right?"  He said, "The Bible says I will have power."  I said, "The Bible says apart from Christ you can do NOTHING."  People thinking that God using them makes them special, it's dangerous ground.  If they begin to believe the power is their own? To prophesy, to heal, even to minister... I don't want that from any MAN (or woman) I want it only from the Lord.  And yes God uses broken (sinful, prideful, WRONG) vessels, but there has to be room for Him to pour through, and that's not possible when someone is full of SELF.

I have times in my life where I know God has spoken to me-- promises made, directions given, encouragement bestowed-- and I think of the scripture that says "Wisdom is justified by her children."  A secular equivalent might be "The proof is in the pudding."  I can tell you that God promised me a daughter long before she came, but if she never came, then he didn't promise. But if I can point to her and show you she's here, can I claim I truly heard Him, or would you call it a coincidence.

"The Church."  Jesus wasn't referring to a small group of people who met in a single building, but that's how we have redefined it. "My church..." and we are speaking of the small congregation of people coming together under one roof.  But Jesus was talking about all who followed Him.  Even pastors can become guilty of felling competitive instead of camaraderie.  They won't partner or interact with another body outside their denomination or even outside their walls for fear of losing some tithing congregant to another "church."  (They're not all like that, but some are.)

There is such a wide berth of belief and practice-- The extreme charismatic of a proclaimed "flow" all the way to the driest most ritualistic of beliefs.  The gift of tongues- some believe, some do not.  They either exist or they don't. Prophesy? Some walk around spouting it at will, can they actually do that? (Since it has to be of God to be real, and not of themselves) to those who believe the "time of prophecy" was only in the early days of the church. But why would God do that?  Would He do that?

I am asking.  I am asking for wisdom.  The Bible says if I lack wisdom I should ask of God because He GIVES it liberally and without finding fault.  What does that look like?  How do I know it's him.  Oh yes, wisdom is justified by her children.  But how do I know when I am listening?  Does He speak?  The Bible says He is the Good Shepherd and His sheep know his voice.  He must have a voice.

This I know: Christ and Him crucified. My "crisis" of faith is not in my salvation.  I have absolutely no doubt who Jesus was, or what He did, and what it means for me.  But I feel like, in this moment, it's the only thing I am absolutely positive and certain of.  That and the times in the past that He has given me wisdom and direction, and it has already proven true.  Though some might call it coincidence.

That basis of faith is so simple, but nothing else about following Christ is uncomplicated. If I am this overwhelmed and caught in the cross hairs of the diversified practices and beliefs of "churches" then how much more confusing must it be for the unbeliever?

I feel like my foundation is being shaken.  I feel like I really don't know anything.  And the many or any who might want to come along and "tell me" what they know to try to bring me the clarity they feel so confident they have, and are so certain they can offer me... I want to say, "Show me where the Word of God says that." I have had seasons where I felt like I knew where God wanted me, or I at least I knew I was on the right track.  Right now I have no sense of that at all.

Am I at the right church?  I feel like if I told them some of my story they would think me crazy, dangerous even.  But when I think of them I think of their love.  The Bible says that His people will be known by their love.  That's good.  But is that God reminding me of that scripture?  Is He "speaking" to me?   I don't have a sense of belonging there, and yet, it is a good place to be.

I look at my life and I feel like poor decisions up to this point have stuck me in a very precarious position, and I can look back and see things I wish I would have done differently.  But if I had taken some other path, the good things in my life would be different too, right?  So can it have been a mistake?  I don't know.  I DON'T KNOW!!!

Love and worship... love and worship... it's the last thing I THINK I felt confident I heard from the Lord.  It comes back to that.  But did I hear Him? Can I?  I don't know, because right now, He seems quiet. But did He ever speak.  The proof has been in the pudding at times, but in one "church" may would see it, and others might question my sanity... I feel a little crazy, I might side with those.

Christ and Him crucified.  It's like looking into a huge mosaic of broken pieces of misguided, well-intended, confused and confident people, beliefs and practices, and all I can make out of the picture is a cross in the middle.  The Cross of Christ, it is the only anchor to which I feel I can hold to with confidence.

Lord speak, Your servant is listening desperately. But will You?  Do You?  I do not know.  And yet you have... or was it coincidence?

For I determined to know nothing among you

except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.

1 Corinthians 2:2

Bitter Dandelions

There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I was constantly in conversation with others inside my own head.  I would imagine the things they would say to me, and I would formulate the perfect replies, stinging and direct.  You see these conversations were never happy conversations, but rather they were rooted in hurts and offenses where I felt in my mind I had received no justice.

I remember the summer before this past when I was actually overwhelmed with them.  When at Bible study we scribbled down our private prayer requests for someone else to pray for over our summer together, mine may have seemed strange.  "Please pray for the imaginary conversations going on inside my head." My friend, however, understood and knew I was not fighting and kind of mental disease, but rather a spiritual one.  For it was in those imagined conversations in my mind that I was pouring Miracle Grow on seeds of bitterness.

Sadly those relationships were never righted, though not all fault is mine.  And I found that even after I left the relationships where I was, in fact, fostering bitterness, it took a very long time just to get even a little progress away from the bitterness that had become full grown in my heart.  Then one day I was driving along and I suddenly realized, I hadn't had a single thought of bitterness about those relationships in several days.  It may not seem like much, but when you're having them all day long for months, maybe even years, a few days can seem like a very long time.  I realized that in moving away from the relationships that had been so hard, I had actually found freedom.  I stopped watering the root, and the bitterness began to die.

Today I was taking a worship walk with the Lord.  It's something I am trying to incorporate  to tend to the health of mind, body and spirit.  I was talking to the Lord, listening to a worship song, praying for the people that He brought to my mind. And then suddenly a thought passed through my mind, as if it had drifted in on the wind.  An awkward conversation from days before that made me feel defensive, and suddenly I began to think about the follow up conversation I'd like to have. I imagined both parts, my own, and the other person, even though I had no certainty 6that any of my embarrassment or discomfort was rooted in any truth.  But I felt my mind began to judge the other to make me feel better about myself.

Thankfully, I recognized quickly this seed that had drifted into my mind.  Like dandelion dust, it drifted in without my intent or expectation, and it distracted me from thinking on the many good things there are to consider and rather creating in my own mind a scenario that might not even exist.  Like the large shadow of a small child, the light was obscured in such a way that it looked like something much bigger than the reality. Or perhaps it wasn't even a child causing the shadow, perhaps it was a complete illusion from nothing alive or true at all.

It occurred to me then that that is exactly how bitterness grows.  No one plants that seed in their own heart with intent.  Something in the wind drifts it towards us, and without any knowledge of it all, it begins to take root. The thing about a dandelion is this, it can look beautiful, even harmless in its growing form. A harmless little yellow flower, one might even find beauty in it, like we find justification in our offense.  But as it grows, it changes.  The yellow flower turns to the white puff children are so fond of picking from the grass to blow upon it.  A child has no idea of the havoc he may wreak as he blows on this kind of weed, but when Satan blows upon the similar weed within our hearts, he knows exactly the havoc he will wreak in our hearts and lives if he can just get the weed of bitterness to spread.

I looked up how you get rid of dandelions, and there is no way around it, the weeds have to be destroyed, and the sooner the better.  So is the same truth for the bitter seeds that drift into our hearts.  We have to pluck them out and destroy them swiftly.  We cannot allow them to grow or spread. I know this to be true, not from a conversation in my mind, but a word of Truth being spoken to my heart.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God 

and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Hebrews 12:15