As I look back over my life with Christ and my testimony, the Lord, more than anything else, has used my role as a parent to teach me and shape me, and to build up my faith and understanding of him. From the earliest losses in parenting to the continued process of raising my children, I have learned far more than I have ever taught.
Of no season is that more true than the 40 months we went through of determining to adopt our second son Ethan until the day we finally signed the official papers that made him completely ours. As I look back I can say it was both one of the most difficult times of our lives as a family, and also most blessed. Blessed because of the Lord's faithfulness to reveal Himself to us.
I suspect that most parents who adopt their children, or at least Christian parents who adopt find that to be the case. I think of Romans chapter 8 verse 15 which says, For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” As Christians it is a part of the salvation experience, but one never more fully understood than when you yourself find yourself on the parenting side of that relationship. The only word to describe it is supernatural.
Today I was offered the wonderful opportunity to share a little bit of our story about our adoption on the blog The Father Heart of God, so please stop by and check out the post and stay to peruse the blog. Blessings!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Lifelines
I was thinking tonight, about the way I've been feeling a lot lately, like a woman drowning, flailing about, just trying to keep my head above water. I was actually feeling kind of guilty about it because I can very quickly think of a long list of people I know who are in much tougher battles than I am, and who am I to complain about my struggles when they pale so in comparison to others.
As I was lamenting my own weaknesses it came to mind the reality of drownings. I remember reading articles when my children were little about how dangerous it was to even leave a bucket of water around unattended could be a dangerous hazard to an unsteady toddler who might fall in head first. It seems strange, but it is true.
It occurred to me the dangers of drowning have just as much to do with the person as they do the body of water they're in. Even the strongest swimmer who in the right condition can surmount big and powerful waves, could be at risk of drowning in a pool if he were weary enough. Where one man might be able to stand securely in that pool, a smaller person might not even be able to keep her head above water.
As the pictures came through my mind, it released a little of the guilt I was feeling for how I have been feeling with my current state. Lots of people have been asking lately how I am, but only a few have remained to dig deeper when my continued response has been, "I'm not in a good place, spiritually. I'm in trouble."
A few have given me the promise of prayers, many have averted their eyes uncomfortably and then changed the subject. Some have just bypassed my response altogether. One friend "chatted" online with me for a little while on line, commiserating with me in her struggles too, but it wasn't until this past Sunday that someone actually stopped to look me in the eye and truly listen. She took my hand and held on to it, and spoke words of comfort, but even more she listened.
I felt a lump rise in my throat and I had to choke it down. So many people who haven't been listening lately, I was somewhat overwhelmed by the someone who was. It's not a judgment on anyone else, I have a long list of friends and acquaintances who I know really care about me and support me, but it's as though I was drifting far enough out from the shore that they couldn't hear my cries for help. Or maybe they were just so overwhelmed by their own pool of water they couldn't even see me in mine. It happens, I know, and I suspect that no one is more guilty of missing the help cries of others more than I.
But as my friend sat and listened to me Sunday morning, it was as though she'd thrown a rope out to me. Maybe not one strong enough to pull me in, but it was at least something, a lifeline, I could hold onto long enough that I wouldn't drift out even further to become even more tired, too tired to even hope to swim to shore.
The night before I had been spending some time online and stopped at one of my favorite blogs, The Perch. The most recent post was where my first true lifeline was found, and this one even felt as though it was pulling me up out of the water some. I told my friend Sunday mroning about what I'd read. Sheryl, the woman who writes her blog from her "Perch" is this amazing woman who has fought her way through adversities I can't even begin to imagine. She continually amazes me with her strength and faith, and most of all her wisdom. The lifeline she threw out from her blog as I read it was a strong rope of wisdom. And when I shared it with my friend Sunday morning she confirmed its wisdom even more.
Sheryl was sharing about a "stall" she is experiencing in her walk with the Lord. I don't know if her stall is one like what I'm feeling struggling adrift, though I didn't get that sense, or if rather she's just hit a plateau, or perhaps even a desert in her journey with the Lord. But she recommended a catalyst in that journey, and in a way I had never really considered before.
She talked about the need to read the Word, which is a classic, obvious recommendation for any believer struggling in any way. It's sort of the "well, duh" of Christianity, because reading the Word is definitely a non-negotiable, but her recommendation wasn't to just read it, but to read it out loud. She said, "It is alive & active and there is no way that I can be speaking the Living Word and not be changed." It was such an "A-ha" moment for me. It seemed so simple and yet so profound.
I'm not ignorant in any sense to the power of God's Word. I always try to use it when I pray for others. I encourage my children to memorize it, knowing what the Lord says about hiding it in our hearts. But I never made the connection between reading it and reading it OUT LOUD. The spoken word is what the Lord used to create the earth and everything in it, so of course my friend Sheryl is right, there is power in speaking it aloud, it will not only have the power to change circumstances, but more importantly, it will change me in the midst of them.
This morning as I was trying to get out of the house and to work on time, I stopped myself and opened the bible and began to read Philippians 2 OUT LOUD.
"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world... (verses 14&15)
There was something powerful about hearing the words, not just reading them, even though they came from my own lips. It was as though I could begin to feel the Lord beginning some small incision in my spiritual heart, no doubt to begin a surgical procedure only He can accomplish.
I still don't feel like I am in a very good place at all. It's sort of like an illness with a bad diagnosis, but I am feeling a little better because the diagnosis has at least been made, and even though I don't fully understand it, my Physician seems both confident and competent to handle the situation, and in some small way, treatment has begun.
My friend, as she sat with me Sunday morning shared her thoughts about the refining process, and how sometimes before God begins a deeper work, He stirs some of the "guck" perhaps call it a carnal infection, deep down inside in order to bring some of those things he needs to deal with to the surface so they can be drawn out and removed. It made me think of the "silver refined" analogy where the silversmith slowly brings up the heat so the impurities will be brought to the top so they can be strained away, increasing the beauty and the value of that silver.
I know for certain that lately lots of "guck" has indeed risen close to the surface. I can only hope it's for such a noble purpose so as to make me cleaner, healthier- better able to reflect the Lord.
I am tired. I don't feel much at all like I am able to swim. I cannot cure myself, I cannot make the circumstances or my response to them better anymore on my own. But I can accept the treatment the Physician offers. I can trust in His wisdom and expertise and allow Him to do what He knows is best, and hope that when this current work is done I will come through it healthier and stronger than before. That's the lifeline I'm holding onto anyway.
As I was lamenting my own weaknesses it came to mind the reality of drownings. I remember reading articles when my children were little about how dangerous it was to even leave a bucket of water around unattended could be a dangerous hazard to an unsteady toddler who might fall in head first. It seems strange, but it is true.
It occurred to me the dangers of drowning have just as much to do with the person as they do the body of water they're in. Even the strongest swimmer who in the right condition can surmount big and powerful waves, could be at risk of drowning in a pool if he were weary enough. Where one man might be able to stand securely in that pool, a smaller person might not even be able to keep her head above water.
As the pictures came through my mind, it released a little of the guilt I was feeling for how I have been feeling with my current state. Lots of people have been asking lately how I am, but only a few have remained to dig deeper when my continued response has been, "I'm not in a good place, spiritually. I'm in trouble."
A few have given me the promise of prayers, many have averted their eyes uncomfortably and then changed the subject. Some have just bypassed my response altogether. One friend "chatted" online with me for a little while on line, commiserating with me in her struggles too, but it wasn't until this past Sunday that someone actually stopped to look me in the eye and truly listen. She took my hand and held on to it, and spoke words of comfort, but even more she listened.
I felt a lump rise in my throat and I had to choke it down. So many people who haven't been listening lately, I was somewhat overwhelmed by the someone who was. It's not a judgment on anyone else, I have a long list of friends and acquaintances who I know really care about me and support me, but it's as though I was drifting far enough out from the shore that they couldn't hear my cries for help. Or maybe they were just so overwhelmed by their own pool of water they couldn't even see me in mine. It happens, I know, and I suspect that no one is more guilty of missing the help cries of others more than I.
But as my friend sat and listened to me Sunday morning, it was as though she'd thrown a rope out to me. Maybe not one strong enough to pull me in, but it was at least something, a lifeline, I could hold onto long enough that I wouldn't drift out even further to become even more tired, too tired to even hope to swim to shore.
The night before I had been spending some time online and stopped at one of my favorite blogs, The Perch. The most recent post was where my first true lifeline was found, and this one even felt as though it was pulling me up out of the water some. I told my friend Sunday mroning about what I'd read. Sheryl, the woman who writes her blog from her "Perch" is this amazing woman who has fought her way through adversities I can't even begin to imagine. She continually amazes me with her strength and faith, and most of all her wisdom. The lifeline she threw out from her blog as I read it was a strong rope of wisdom. And when I shared it with my friend Sunday morning she confirmed its wisdom even more.
Sheryl was sharing about a "stall" she is experiencing in her walk with the Lord. I don't know if her stall is one like what I'm feeling struggling adrift, though I didn't get that sense, or if rather she's just hit a plateau, or perhaps even a desert in her journey with the Lord. But she recommended a catalyst in that journey, and in a way I had never really considered before.
She talked about the need to read the Word, which is a classic, obvious recommendation for any believer struggling in any way. It's sort of the "well, duh" of Christianity, because reading the Word is definitely a non-negotiable, but her recommendation wasn't to just read it, but to read it out loud. She said, "It is alive & active and there is no way that I can be speaking the Living Word and not be changed." It was such an "A-ha" moment for me. It seemed so simple and yet so profound.
I'm not ignorant in any sense to the power of God's Word. I always try to use it when I pray for others. I encourage my children to memorize it, knowing what the Lord says about hiding it in our hearts. But I never made the connection between reading it and reading it OUT LOUD. The spoken word is what the Lord used to create the earth and everything in it, so of course my friend Sheryl is right, there is power in speaking it aloud, it will not only have the power to change circumstances, but more importantly, it will change me in the midst of them.
This morning as I was trying to get out of the house and to work on time, I stopped myself and opened the bible and began to read Philippians 2 OUT LOUD.
"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world... (verses 14&15)
There was something powerful about hearing the words, not just reading them, even though they came from my own lips. It was as though I could begin to feel the Lord beginning some small incision in my spiritual heart, no doubt to begin a surgical procedure only He can accomplish.
I still don't feel like I am in a very good place at all. It's sort of like an illness with a bad diagnosis, but I am feeling a little better because the diagnosis has at least been made, and even though I don't fully understand it, my Physician seems both confident and competent to handle the situation, and in some small way, treatment has begun.
My friend, as she sat with me Sunday morning shared her thoughts about the refining process, and how sometimes before God begins a deeper work, He stirs some of the "guck" perhaps call it a carnal infection, deep down inside in order to bring some of those things he needs to deal with to the surface so they can be drawn out and removed. It made me think of the "silver refined" analogy where the silversmith slowly brings up the heat so the impurities will be brought to the top so they can be strained away, increasing the beauty and the value of that silver.
I know for certain that lately lots of "guck" has indeed risen close to the surface. I can only hope it's for such a noble purpose so as to make me cleaner, healthier- better able to reflect the Lord.
I am tired. I don't feel much at all like I am able to swim. I cannot cure myself, I cannot make the circumstances or my response to them better anymore on my own. But I can accept the treatment the Physician offers. I can trust in His wisdom and expertise and allow Him to do what He knows is best, and hope that when this current work is done I will come through it healthier and stronger than before. That's the lifeline I'm holding onto anyway.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tired
I love this picture. It took someone else pointing it out to me, but once they did it really spoke to me.
My little Ethan, exhausted at the baseball the other night finally just cuddled up to his daddy and collapsed. In the midst of a busy Angel Stadium, where the All-Stars Celebrity softball game was going on, Ethan just laid his head down and fell fast asleep.
Neal's shirt, "Tired?" It says, and the back completes the invitation, Matthew 11:28 reads, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Neal offered the same invitation to Ethan, and holding onto his daddy Ethan found a safe place to rest his head. He took a good long nap, and felt better for it after he woke up.
I can relate to Ethan in this picture. I'm worn out, spiritually, physically, emotionally. I'm drained. Ethan was tired because we had been running for days, it was fun and family, but it was busy and chaotic and he didn't stop at night to get the rest he needed. It's much of the same for me. It's just life, going on, and on, and I'm not stopping, taking the time to rest and refuel at the foot of Jesus. I keep busy on the track I'm on, and I look back and I think, "I'll get there," but I never do. And I'm running out of gas.
I fell asleep on Neal for a few minutes at that softball game too. Despite Ethan's argument his dad was his pillow, he was big enough we shared, and for a few minutes I was still long enough to get a short power nap, but it wasn't much for me. Unlike Ethan who fell into a deep rest, as soon as I heard Jacob say "Mom's asleep too?" From behind my dark glasses I assured him I was still awake, and I shook off the intention of finding a moment's respite and got myself up and moving again.
I think perhaps I have been doing that spiritually too. I find a moment to rest, or maybe better to say I intend to find a moment to rest but life calls out to me, "Diana's resting," and I hop back up and say, "No, I'm not" and I move forward with whatever strength I can muster, strength out of the shallow waters of self.
I notice with the weariness that has been allowed to rule, that my flesh has risen with it. My patience level is down, my propensity for irritation is high. I am a reactor and not a responder, and the reactions aren't pretty. I don't really like the person I have been lately, and I think it's because I have been far to much of me in all carnality, and there's been very little evidence of the Spirit of God who lives in me.
Like hair dryer pulled too far from the wall socket, my power source flusters and spurts and isn't working effectively.
I think if I really stopped long enough and really looked, I think I just might find my Jesus standing there, my Daddy God with a big t-shirt that says, "Tired?" And he makes the same invitation, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
It's such a simple and heartfelt invitation. He wants me to come with my weariness, and lay my head on his heart, so He can offer me the strength I need. He offers me the deep well of rest that comes from Him, and I keep splashing about in the shallow puddle of self, wearing myself so thin.
May I have the wisdom of my nine-year-old and just stop in the midst of the chaos and the crowds and lay my head on His chest, and allow Him to put His arm around me and give me the rest and strength I need.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Pavement
I've been thinking alot lately about the old adage, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." And it occurs to me that lately, in my own life, the road to heaven seems paved with them as well.
I am full of good intentions. I intend to get back on track with my diet and exercise. And yet, I'm five pounds up, exercising sporadically at best, rarely at worst. I'm eating more sweets than I have been in a long while and just generally dropping the ball... not acting on my intentions at all.
Spiritually, I am really aware of the need to be in the word consistently. I think we are in a time and season that hiding the word in our hearts as believers has never been more important. But most days my bible stays in my car ready to go to church, and my newest bible only has wear from abuse, very little from use.
My prayer life, oh how I long to be a faithful intercessor. I have so many people in my life who tell me they are praying for me, and I have such guilt. I am to the point if someone asks me to keep something "in prayer," I make sure I pray right away so I won't forget altogether, but lots of times, more than I care to confess, it doesn't get lifted up again.
I keep intending to come up with a better way to be faithful in those areas, but it isn't happening.
I keep meaning to give the kids more structure, for their activities while I am at work, making sure they are doing devotionals consistently (along with their dad and I) but still, I'm not accomplishing what I desire.
So word girl that I am, further investigation let to this definition:
pavement - a hard smooth surface, especially of a public area or thoroughfare, that will bear travel
I think what happens is I've gotten into a rut. Travel has gotten smooth, because I have become comfortable with the status quo. Routine wins out over priority.
So, what occurs to me, is pavement, is hard to replace. I think of all the times I have seen workers on the street breaking up the pavement. I remember once when they repaved my street. We got notification weeks in advance. We were told we wouldn't be able to have access for a couple days. We'd have to park down the street where no work was being done. The morning they started the work I remember awaking to the loudest sound. They had these huge vehicles with something along the lines of a jack hammer attached to it. Slam! Slam! SLAM! It was a rude awakening and a long process, but eventually it broke things up. The smooth street became rocky and couldn't even been driven on anymore if you wanted to.
I think that's where I'm at. I need another rude awakening. I need the jack hammer to come down hard on the status quo and break me free from intentions, and repave the road before me with purposeful actions. But it's frightening, to ask for the rude awakening.
It's interesting to feel stuck on a seemingly smooth paved road, but this road I'm on, isn't headed anywhere worth going, and I want to be going to important places, places where God is calling me, to do things that matter to Him.
This song by FFH comes to my mind. The lyrics talk about being stuck, and needing a move of God. That's where I find myself, needing God to move, or move me. I guess you could say it is my prayer. I just hope I am faithful enough to pray it until I get an answer.
I am full of good intentions. I intend to get back on track with my diet and exercise. And yet, I'm five pounds up, exercising sporadically at best, rarely at worst. I'm eating more sweets than I have been in a long while and just generally dropping the ball... not acting on my intentions at all.
Spiritually, I am really aware of the need to be in the word consistently. I think we are in a time and season that hiding the word in our hearts as believers has never been more important. But most days my bible stays in my car ready to go to church, and my newest bible only has wear from abuse, very little from use.
My prayer life, oh how I long to be a faithful intercessor. I have so many people in my life who tell me they are praying for me, and I have such guilt. I am to the point if someone asks me to keep something "in prayer," I make sure I pray right away so I won't forget altogether, but lots of times, more than I care to confess, it doesn't get lifted up again.
I keep intending to come up with a better way to be faithful in those areas, but it isn't happening.
I keep meaning to give the kids more structure, for their activities while I am at work, making sure they are doing devotionals consistently (along with their dad and I) but still, I'm not accomplishing what I desire.
So word girl that I am, further investigation let to this definition:
pavement - a hard smooth surface, especially of a public area or thoroughfare, that will bear travel
I think what happens is I've gotten into a rut. Travel has gotten smooth, because I have become comfortable with the status quo. Routine wins out over priority.
So, what occurs to me, is pavement, is hard to replace. I think of all the times I have seen workers on the street breaking up the pavement. I remember once when they repaved my street. We got notification weeks in advance. We were told we wouldn't be able to have access for a couple days. We'd have to park down the street where no work was being done. The morning they started the work I remember awaking to the loudest sound. They had these huge vehicles with something along the lines of a jack hammer attached to it. Slam! Slam! SLAM! It was a rude awakening and a long process, but eventually it broke things up. The smooth street became rocky and couldn't even been driven on anymore if you wanted to.
I think that's where I'm at. I need another rude awakening. I need the jack hammer to come down hard on the status quo and break me free from intentions, and repave the road before me with purposeful actions. But it's frightening, to ask for the rude awakening.
It's interesting to feel stuck on a seemingly smooth paved road, but this road I'm on, isn't headed anywhere worth going, and I want to be going to important places, places where God is calling me, to do things that matter to Him.
This song by FFH comes to my mind. The lyrics talk about being stuck, and needing a move of God. That's where I find myself, needing God to move, or move me. I guess you could say it is my prayer. I just hope I am faithful enough to pray it until I get an answer.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Drifting
Yesterday when we were at the beach I was laying down on my back and I could see tiny "white flies." I sat up and it was like little swirlies in my peripheral vision. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew I didn't feel good, and it wasn't "right." Then I woke up feeling really lousy this morning. I had a headache, and I was really tired. Every time I got up to move around I got sort of lightheaded and dizzy.
Because everything comes around to Facebook, I mentioned my dizziness (in the literal sense) on my status. A friend of mine sent me a message suggesting perhaps the cause was dehydration, and she mentioned a few symptoms to look for. Well, as all good adoptive moms, I have had my share of CPR and first aid classes in my day and so I did the pinch your hand test (I'm not sure that's the official name of the test, but I digress) and sure enough, instead of my skin springing back to shape it slowly slid out of the pinch. I don't remember much about those classes, but I do remember that is THE sign of dehydration.
I'm guessing I was dehydrated at the beach yesterday too, which is sort of interesting. My friend thought maybe I was dehydrated today because of the beach yesterday, which would make sense if it was hot and I had been running around playing frisbee or swimming. But it was cold and overcast, and I spent the day snuggled on the blanket with my kids reading. Of course my odd symptoms at the Beach sort of indicate maybe I was already dehydrated when I got there, but that doesn't really make sense either. I have not been keeping with my workouts, so not much sweating going on. I haven't been sick, no vomiting or anything. So for the life of me, I cannot tell you why I was dehydrated, there is just no logical explanation for it.
Looking at it in hindsight, I don't know how long I have been a little dehydrated, but the evidence of it is something I can now see. I've been tired and lacked energy. I haven't been working out because I wake up most mornings with a headache and planning my nap for the day. The dizzy spells have been off and on for several weeks, and I am beginning to think maybe this whole dehydration issue may be at the core. So, the only logical explanation is that the whole thing just sort of snuck up on me. It was nothing profound, I didn't have a flu bug, I didn't bake all day in the sun without drinking water, I didn't do anything dramatic to cause the issue, I must have just slowly stopped doing the things that prevent it. A little less intake, a little less self-care, and slowly my body started to feel the effects.
So as I was taking inventory of my physical symptoms of my physical dehydration, and it made me think about my last couple of blog posts here and my sense of spiritual dryness, and I am having to come face to face with the fact that maybe I am dehydrated spiritually too, and maybe just like I slowly slipped into the physical "dryness" maybe I made the same kind of mistakes spiritually as well. It wasn't anything profound or drastic, just little by little, I was no longer drinking in enough for my needs, and before I knew it, I was feeling weak, weary, unmotivated and out of sorts. I didn't run in the direction of the desert, I just slowly wandered there.
Yesterday when we were at the beach Jake and I were lounging on the sand while Ethan and Victoria were playing out in the water. Jake and I took turns being the one responsible for watching them out in the water. My younger two are adventurous and brave and love to frolic in the surf. When they were little I wouldn't let them go near the water unless their dad or I were right by their sides. But as they've gotten older and stronger, better swimmers, we let them have a little more freedom and we step back and let them play, but we never, never take our eyes off of them on purpose.
There are a couple of rules that come with their freedom, first of all we expect them to stay together. If one of them should fall or get into any trouble, there is safety in numbers. Secondly, they have to stay within the boundaries we set for them, we tell them how deep they can wade and we give them a firm reminder about their responsibility to look back on sand for us to make sure they haven't drifted too far down shore as is likely to happen.
It happened repeatedly actually. Jake and I sat and watched as the kids played in the waves, and over and over again, they drifted down the shore. We'd try to call out to them, but they couldn't hear us over the wind and the waves. I'm known for my loud voice, I speak clearly and audibly, and my children are able to hear me and respond in almost any venue, but not at the beach. Even when I stand and give out my best bellow, it's as though the wind blows my voice right back to me, and the waves drown it out. Everything around my kids intereferes with them hearing me.
So instead of calling out to them when they began to wander too far away I would stand, and I would try to make myself as "large" as possible and gain their visual attention. I would stand and wave until I caught one of their eyes, and then I would clearly motion to them to return within the boundaries I'd set for them, and each time they would comply. If they looked at me, they would be able to see they were not where they belonged, but as soon as they got me in focus, they knew where to go and they would move right back to where they should be.
So it occurs to me, that maybe my spiritual dehydration at its core was caused by the equivalent of my own "drifting" because so caught up in the wind and surf, I lost my focus and slipped down the shore, out of the boundaries set for me. No matter how the Lord might call out to me, His voice would be drown out by everything going on around me. And suddenly I would find I wasn't taking in what I needed because the resources weren't there. The resources, the antidote for my thirst wasn't in the waves, but rather waiting in a "cooler" of sorts up at the blanket with Dad.
Now mind you, my kids weren't ever in extreme danger, they were constantly under a watching eye, but still the further they wandered, the less safe and secure they were. And me too, I may not have been out of reach of the Lord, but instead of having my eyes fixed, and being mindful of staying where I needed to be, I let myself get distracted, and I haven't been as safe as I ought to be, and I haven't had the resources necessary for the spiritual health and strength God wills for me.
Spiritually weak and worn, spiritually dry because I have let "life" distract me from Truth. What's a girl to do? Paul gives some excellent advice to the Corinthians, that I think I should take for myself.
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Bottom line, I have got to get my eyes back on the Lord up on the shore. I didn't intentionally stop focusing on Him, it just sort of happened, the stresses of life and family? A little too much Facebook? It wasn't one thing, and yet it was everything. And it has made life complicated, and yet the solution is simple, but also a challenge. I have to look right at the Lord, "up on the shore." Paul speaks about being "renewed day by day." I think that is the solution to my dehydration, just as much as the focus is the solution to my drifting. How am I to be renewed? How do I deal with the spiritual "dehydration?" Paul has the advice for that too.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Just like I needed to drink in lots of cool water today to tend to my physical needs, I need to drink in the Word to satiate my spiritual thirst. It's so simple, yet so profound.
I remember when I was little playing in the surf like my little ones, and after a time would pass I would look back up to the shore to try and find my family. I remember times when having drifted, I was disoriented, and the panic that would begin to settle in. I would look desperately for some familiar marker that would direct me to where my father could be found. I also remember the rush of relief that would wash over me when my dad would stand up and make himself big enough for me to see, waving his arms so I could find him, and know where to move back to. Today, I am grateful for the waving arms of my heavenly Father, Who's now calling me back from the place I have drifted to where my thirst threatens dehydration, and though never out of His sight, I am pushing the boundaries of His best for me.
I see You Lord, Your hands waving for me, and I am not only going to fix my eyes, but I am going to come back from the wind and waves so they will no longer drown out your voice. I think in fact, I will draw out of the water, and come back up the beach and sit at Your feet and drink Your Water. I think I will stay here a while, until I am strong again, and until the dehydration passes. And maybe when you think I'm ready, I may go back out into the waves. But I pray I will not drift down the shore unknowingly again. But I am thankful that even if I do, You are ever watching me, always ready to catch my eye and draw me back to Yourself.
Because everything comes around to Facebook, I mentioned my dizziness (in the literal sense) on my status. A friend of mine sent me a message suggesting perhaps the cause was dehydration, and she mentioned a few symptoms to look for. Well, as all good adoptive moms, I have had my share of CPR and first aid classes in my day and so I did the pinch your hand test (I'm not sure that's the official name of the test, but I digress) and sure enough, instead of my skin springing back to shape it slowly slid out of the pinch. I don't remember much about those classes, but I do remember that is THE sign of dehydration.
I'm guessing I was dehydrated at the beach yesterday too, which is sort of interesting. My friend thought maybe I was dehydrated today because of the beach yesterday, which would make sense if it was hot and I had been running around playing frisbee or swimming. But it was cold and overcast, and I spent the day snuggled on the blanket with my kids reading. Of course my odd symptoms at the Beach sort of indicate maybe I was already dehydrated when I got there, but that doesn't really make sense either. I have not been keeping with my workouts, so not much sweating going on. I haven't been sick, no vomiting or anything. So for the life of me, I cannot tell you why I was dehydrated, there is just no logical explanation for it.
Looking at it in hindsight, I don't know how long I have been a little dehydrated, but the evidence of it is something I can now see. I've been tired and lacked energy. I haven't been working out because I wake up most mornings with a headache and planning my nap for the day. The dizzy spells have been off and on for several weeks, and I am beginning to think maybe this whole dehydration issue may be at the core. So, the only logical explanation is that the whole thing just sort of snuck up on me. It was nothing profound, I didn't have a flu bug, I didn't bake all day in the sun without drinking water, I didn't do anything dramatic to cause the issue, I must have just slowly stopped doing the things that prevent it. A little less intake, a little less self-care, and slowly my body started to feel the effects.
So as I was taking inventory of my physical symptoms of my physical dehydration, and it made me think about my last couple of blog posts here and my sense of spiritual dryness, and I am having to come face to face with the fact that maybe I am dehydrated spiritually too, and maybe just like I slowly slipped into the physical "dryness" maybe I made the same kind of mistakes spiritually as well. It wasn't anything profound or drastic, just little by little, I was no longer drinking in enough for my needs, and before I knew it, I was feeling weak, weary, unmotivated and out of sorts. I didn't run in the direction of the desert, I just slowly wandered there.
Yesterday when we were at the beach Jake and I were lounging on the sand while Ethan and Victoria were playing out in the water. Jake and I took turns being the one responsible for watching them out in the water. My younger two are adventurous and brave and love to frolic in the surf. When they were little I wouldn't let them go near the water unless their dad or I were right by their sides. But as they've gotten older and stronger, better swimmers, we let them have a little more freedom and we step back and let them play, but we never, never take our eyes off of them on purpose. There are a couple of rules that come with their freedom, first of all we expect them to stay together. If one of them should fall or get into any trouble, there is safety in numbers. Secondly, they have to stay within the boundaries we set for them, we tell them how deep they can wade and we give them a firm reminder about their responsibility to look back on sand for us to make sure they haven't drifted too far down shore as is likely to happen.
It happened repeatedly actually. Jake and I sat and watched as the kids played in the waves, and over and over again, they drifted down the shore. We'd try to call out to them, but they couldn't hear us over the wind and the waves. I'm known for my loud voice, I speak clearly and audibly, and my children are able to hear me and respond in almost any venue, but not at the beach. Even when I stand and give out my best bellow, it's as though the wind blows my voice right back to me, and the waves drown it out. Everything around my kids intereferes with them hearing me.
So instead of calling out to them when they began to wander too far away I would stand, and I would try to make myself as "large" as possible and gain their visual attention. I would stand and wave until I caught one of their eyes, and then I would clearly motion to them to return within the boundaries I'd set for them, and each time they would comply. If they looked at me, they would be able to see they were not where they belonged, but as soon as they got me in focus, they knew where to go and they would move right back to where they should be.
So it occurs to me, that maybe my spiritual dehydration at its core was caused by the equivalent of my own "drifting" because so caught up in the wind and surf, I lost my focus and slipped down the shore, out of the boundaries set for me. No matter how the Lord might call out to me, His voice would be drown out by everything going on around me. And suddenly I would find I wasn't taking in what I needed because the resources weren't there. The resources, the antidote for my thirst wasn't in the waves, but rather waiting in a "cooler" of sorts up at the blanket with Dad.
Now mind you, my kids weren't ever in extreme danger, they were constantly under a watching eye, but still the further they wandered, the less safe and secure they were. And me too, I may not have been out of reach of the Lord, but instead of having my eyes fixed, and being mindful of staying where I needed to be, I let myself get distracted, and I haven't been as safe as I ought to be, and I haven't had the resources necessary for the spiritual health and strength God wills for me.
Spiritually weak and worn, spiritually dry because I have let "life" distract me from Truth. What's a girl to do? Paul gives some excellent advice to the Corinthians, that I think I should take for myself.
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Bottom line, I have got to get my eyes back on the Lord up on the shore. I didn't intentionally stop focusing on Him, it just sort of happened, the stresses of life and family? A little too much Facebook? It wasn't one thing, and yet it was everything. And it has made life complicated, and yet the solution is simple, but also a challenge. I have to look right at the Lord, "up on the shore." Paul speaks about being "renewed day by day." I think that is the solution to my dehydration, just as much as the focus is the solution to my drifting. How am I to be renewed? How do I deal with the spiritual "dehydration?" Paul has the advice for that too.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Just like I needed to drink in lots of cool water today to tend to my physical needs, I need to drink in the Word to satiate my spiritual thirst. It's so simple, yet so profound.
I remember when I was little playing in the surf like my little ones, and after a time would pass I would look back up to the shore to try and find my family. I remember times when having drifted, I was disoriented, and the panic that would begin to settle in. I would look desperately for some familiar marker that would direct me to where my father could be found. I also remember the rush of relief that would wash over me when my dad would stand up and make himself big enough for me to see, waving his arms so I could find him, and know where to move back to. Today, I am grateful for the waving arms of my heavenly Father, Who's now calling me back from the place I have drifted to where my thirst threatens dehydration, and though never out of His sight, I am pushing the boundaries of His best for me.
I see You Lord, Your hands waving for me, and I am not only going to fix my eyes, but I am going to come back from the wind and waves so they will no longer drown out your voice. I think in fact, I will draw out of the water, and come back up the beach and sit at Your feet and drink Your Water. I think I will stay here a while, until I am strong again, and until the dehydration passes. And maybe when you think I'm ready, I may go back out into the waves. But I pray I will not drift down the shore unknowingly again. But I am thankful that even if I do, You are ever watching me, always ready to catch my eye and draw me back to Yourself.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stalled Outside Complacency
It's been 10 days since my last post. I was lamenting the dryness I have been feeling. The dryness is still there, but the lamenting maybe not so much, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. Complacency is a dangerous place to set up camp, but I'm pretty sure I have at the least been checking the rates for the area, because I certainly haven't done anything significant to leave the area altogether.
It's as though my spiritual "car" has stalled, just outside of Complacency. I'm looking around, and I don't want to settle here, in fact, it doesn't really appeal to me at all, but it does not change the fact that I seem to be "out of gas," and I can't get my vehicle moving on to better or more promising territories.
The sad thing is, I am fully aware I have a gallon of gas in my trunk. Unfortunately the latch is jammed or something, because I can't even get it open to fill up and move on. This is it, this what sums up where I am at spiritually.
So the question is, if someone were going on to me the way I am going on here on the blog, what would I say to them? I know this is the question because I have a friend in my life who likes to pull this question out of the box to latch shut my own box of excuses. And I know what I would say, I speak the Christian cliche's fluently. "Press on," is a popular choice, or the well-known, "Don't grow weary in doing good," is another excellent option. I would tell them, "Get in the Word," and I would ask them, "How's your prayer life?" I would encourage them to "dig in" and to "connect," and to "fight." I would, I know I would.
And yet, here I sit, just outside of Complacency. And by the way, I know they aren't actually cliches. I know the exhortation is rooted in truth. I know this, and yet, I am stalled.
I think maybe the air is low in my spiritual "tires" too, and the gas mileage I was getting was affected by it. I've taken a few emotional dings lately, and it's slowing me down. I don't feel like I can get as far as I usually do, because the hurt is somewhat ever present. I guess it's like a nail in my tire. I pump the air back in, but because the nail is still there I suffer from a slow leak that again slows me down when the air gets too low. I can see the nail, but I can't remove it. So I try to move past it, but it keeps continuing in the vicious cycle. I pump up, and slowly the air leaks, again and again. The nail will have to be dealt with eventually, and I am more than willing, but I have to arrive somewhere where fixing or replacing the tire is a legitimate option, because here outside of Complacency, there isn't a tire shop to be seen. I might be able to switch to my spare, but it doesn't change the fact that the tire that belongs on my (spiritual) car is damaged.
A friend offered me some of her gas. She said, "come study the Word with us!" But in my heart I know our gas isn't compatible right now. She and these other ladies are sharing some terrific Premium gasoline, 92 Octane and all, but it's not the right place for me right now. My little pitiful stalled car needs to run on diesel or something. Sometimes you can't pinpoint the exact discrepancy, you just know when something isn't going to work. It's no disrespect for what has been offered, it just isn't the immediate need.
Are you getting tired of the allegory yet? I'm sorry, I'm a "word picture" kind of girl, and this word picture just seems to so aptly describe my current state I just went with it. And I'm still going with it.
If you've never found yourself stalled outside of Complacency, you really can't judge. The roads in these parts are pretty wound up. The signs are sort of confusing and not always easy to read. No one ever really arrives here on purpose, it's more about having gotten off track somewhere along the way, maybe a missed off ramp, or mistaken left instead of a right. You can't look at someone on these nearby roads and ask them, "What were you thinking??" Because no one purposely comes to this place. It's hot, and dry, and uncomfortable. It's a pretty lonely place too, here outside of Complacency.
So this is what I know, I have to figure out how to get back on the road, and head towards home. Complacency itself actually tries to draw me. It beckons with 4 star hotels, beautiful accommodations, no lack of food or recreation. You can settle in by the pool and have a snack delivered. You can head up to your room and snuggle in to watch a movie, order room service. You can lose completely any sense of need to travel anywhere at all. You can just charge up whatever your little heart desires, and enjoy yourself for a good long time. Hakuna Matata reigns in a town like COmplacency, it is ruled by the mentality of "play now, pay later."
The problem is, eventually, the bill will come. And Complacency has rates that you will not believe. I can't think of any place more expensive to stay. If you aren't careful, you could end up completely broke. You could lose everything you have in Complacency.
So, I guess I am in an ok place here in my stalled car. I haven't driven into the city. And today, I have no intention of driving that way at all. The question for now is, do I get out and walk up the road looking for the gas station I need. Do I try to push the car back up the hill of the off ramp that led me here? Do I try to thumb a ride with someone else to get me somewhere that I can find necessary provisions? Or maybe the journey will require all of these steps. I don't know the answer yet, but I do know, Complacency, is never an option, or at least, I hope it never will be.
It's as though my spiritual "car" has stalled, just outside of Complacency. I'm looking around, and I don't want to settle here, in fact, it doesn't really appeal to me at all, but it does not change the fact that I seem to be "out of gas," and I can't get my vehicle moving on to better or more promising territories.
The sad thing is, I am fully aware I have a gallon of gas in my trunk. Unfortunately the latch is jammed or something, because I can't even get it open to fill up and move on. This is it, this what sums up where I am at spiritually.
So the question is, if someone were going on to me the way I am going on here on the blog, what would I say to them? I know this is the question because I have a friend in my life who likes to pull this question out of the box to latch shut my own box of excuses. And I know what I would say, I speak the Christian cliche's fluently. "Press on," is a popular choice, or the well-known, "Don't grow weary in doing good," is another excellent option. I would tell them, "Get in the Word," and I would ask them, "How's your prayer life?" I would encourage them to "dig in" and to "connect," and to "fight." I would, I know I would.
And yet, here I sit, just outside of Complacency. And by the way, I know they aren't actually cliches. I know the exhortation is rooted in truth. I know this, and yet, I am stalled.
I think maybe the air is low in my spiritual "tires" too, and the gas mileage I was getting was affected by it. I've taken a few emotional dings lately, and it's slowing me down. I don't feel like I can get as far as I usually do, because the hurt is somewhat ever present. I guess it's like a nail in my tire. I pump the air back in, but because the nail is still there I suffer from a slow leak that again slows me down when the air gets too low. I can see the nail, but I can't remove it. So I try to move past it, but it keeps continuing in the vicious cycle. I pump up, and slowly the air leaks, again and again. The nail will have to be dealt with eventually, and I am more than willing, but I have to arrive somewhere where fixing or replacing the tire is a legitimate option, because here outside of Complacency, there isn't a tire shop to be seen. I might be able to switch to my spare, but it doesn't change the fact that the tire that belongs on my (spiritual) car is damaged.
A friend offered me some of her gas. She said, "come study the Word with us!" But in my heart I know our gas isn't compatible right now. She and these other ladies are sharing some terrific Premium gasoline, 92 Octane and all, but it's not the right place for me right now. My little pitiful stalled car needs to run on diesel or something. Sometimes you can't pinpoint the exact discrepancy, you just know when something isn't going to work. It's no disrespect for what has been offered, it just isn't the immediate need.
Are you getting tired of the allegory yet? I'm sorry, I'm a "word picture" kind of girl, and this word picture just seems to so aptly describe my current state I just went with it. And I'm still going with it.
If you've never found yourself stalled outside of Complacency, you really can't judge. The roads in these parts are pretty wound up. The signs are sort of confusing and not always easy to read. No one ever really arrives here on purpose, it's more about having gotten off track somewhere along the way, maybe a missed off ramp, or mistaken left instead of a right. You can't look at someone on these nearby roads and ask them, "What were you thinking??" Because no one purposely comes to this place. It's hot, and dry, and uncomfortable. It's a pretty lonely place too, here outside of Complacency.
So this is what I know, I have to figure out how to get back on the road, and head towards home. Complacency itself actually tries to draw me. It beckons with 4 star hotels, beautiful accommodations, no lack of food or recreation. You can settle in by the pool and have a snack delivered. You can head up to your room and snuggle in to watch a movie, order room service. You can lose completely any sense of need to travel anywhere at all. You can just charge up whatever your little heart desires, and enjoy yourself for a good long time. Hakuna Matata reigns in a town like COmplacency, it is ruled by the mentality of "play now, pay later."
The problem is, eventually, the bill will come. And Complacency has rates that you will not believe. I can't think of any place more expensive to stay. If you aren't careful, you could end up completely broke. You could lose everything you have in Complacency.
So, I guess I am in an ok place here in my stalled car. I haven't driven into the city. And today, I have no intention of driving that way at all. The question for now is, do I get out and walk up the road looking for the gas station I need. Do I try to push the car back up the hill of the off ramp that led me here? Do I try to thumb a ride with someone else to get me somewhere that I can find necessary provisions? Or maybe the journey will require all of these steps. I don't know the answer yet, but I do know, Complacency, is never an option, or at least, I hope it never will be.
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