A few weeks ago Ethan mentioned seeing his sister in the office at school. So like any good mom would do, I checked in with her to find out what was going on. Turns out that some of the boys on their campus were being pretty inappropriate and even lewd. She and several other girls in her class decided to take it to the administration, and that's what Ethan caught sight of.
When I called her to ask her about it I had her on speaker phone, and I didn't think to tell her that her brothers were listening. So she shared about what had been going on and why she and her friends had felt the need to go to leadership. I was very proud of Toria and her friends for what I saw as both boldness and bravery.
After I hung up the phone with her Ethan proceeded to tell me a story about his interaction with the boy who was the primary culprit - a kid who isn't at their school because it's Christian and he and his family share Christian values, but he's there because he has repeatedly been asked to leave other schools. Now don't get me wrong, I can see value in him being there, maybe he can be impacted in a positive way, but I also know that means that he isn't even really going to have a clue about the "Christian standard" of what's right and wrong. Whether you agree or disagree about what a Christian standard is or should be, one of my favorite things about having my kids in a Christian school is the ability to treat God's word as an authority, and one we are expected to hold to.
So, anyway, back to Ethan. He told me that he was in the locker one day, and this young man, who I'll call "Maynard," was harassing and making inappropriate comments to two of the girls from his class. Ethan told me how he got in between the boy and the two girls and told him in no uncertain terms to shut his mouth, that it was NOT ok to be talking the way he was to the girls. After an idle threat about knowing martial arts and kicking Ethan's ass, E's desired effect was accomplished and he walked away and left the girls alone. They thanked him and life moved on.
As we talked in the car Ethan wanted to know what would have happened if he's punched the guy. I told him he could not throw the first punch, and probably shouldn't throw the second one. Last school year Ethan was shoved all the way across the locker room by another boy who hurt his wrist in the process of trying to push E. In response Ethan gave a LIGHT push to the guy's shoulder and asked him, "What the heck?" BOTH boys received the same suspension, under the guise the the other boy got hurt, and because their class in particular had been dealt a zero tolerance policy on touching. I am still a little bitter about the whole situation in that Ethan had an N on his permanent report card, and equal time for unequal crimes irks my justice oriented sensibilities, but I digress. The reality was, that in THIS situation, I was EXTREMELY proud of my son that defending these girls was his go to response. And if the kid took a swing at Ethan, I would have a hard time telling him to turn the other cheek - even though that could definitely be argued as an appropriate Christian standard. I was proud of my son for his hero potential.
Now, I've gone back to school, and the theme of my College Writing class (they apparently have themes these days) is "Justice." I, personally, am all about justice and have to make a concerted effort to remember Christ is all about grace. (Though in His infinite wisdom He manages to have them live in symbiosis in a way I cannot.) In my college writing classes there have been a lot of conversations about standing AGAINST injustice. The theme of our first essay is about how "Silence perpetuates injustice." And one day during discussion we were being asked about our personal mindsets and experiences about what we have done or would do or even are doing about standing up for injustice. And my heart really sank as I heard the bulk of the classroom's mindset turn towards not taking a stand.
One particular example was "what would you do if you saw a guy beating his girlfriend up on the street?" And this one young man about 19 or so said, "Why should I step in to stop it? What if his homeboys are around the corner and they come after me?" I have to be honest, I lost all potential of even a smidgen of respect for this kid. I was flabbergasted. I could not believe he said it.
See, I'm married to a really laid back and for the most part passive guy, but if we were on the street and Neal saw some guy hitting a woman, he would be like a fly on crap all over the situation with absolutely zero regard for himself, I'm sure of it. My husband has great hero potential, and in my mind, that's the way it ought to be! How do you not step in on a situation like that? I am a woman, and I'm pretty sure even I would be looking for something big and heavy to swing at a guy hitting a girl, or a kid, or a dog... I'd speak up.
But can I be real here? Now I find myself a little concerned about my younger son as he'll be heading off to public high school next fall. I'm a little worried about locker room talk and inappropriate treatment of girls on campus. And the pride I have for the son who stood up at his Christian school turns to a little anxiety about the young man who may stand alone in a similar circumstance on his new campus. But would I want him to turn against what he knows in his heart is right? Absolutely not. But I am a little worried for him.
I think guys like my Neal and my Ethan might be a dying breed. People don't stick up for other people when it means it could cost them personally. I think there is a calculated risk mentality that is turning a lot of people into cowards. If it isn't cowardice, it is at the very least selfishness. People won't fight for what's right, fair and just if it means they will have to lump a consequence to the risk. And I think that's a sad statement about society today and the direction it's come.
I don't really know what my question is, much less what the answers are, but I do know that I would rather have my son be a man I can respect for doing the right thing even if it costs him then have him be a guy who looks the other way just to keep the safety or benefit of his own status quo. The world needs more hero minded men, but I'm just not sure they're still out there.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Open-handed and great grace
So I start school in 3 days. THREE DAYS. After 23 years of NOT being in school I got the bright idea I should go back. Why? I don't know. To study what? I'm not sure. What am I going to do? I have not a clue. But I am going and it all starts Monday.
My first thought is that I'd really like to go back to 1988 and slap around the young woman who graduated high school with 18 units of college credit from her AP tests in her senior year. "Stay in school!" I'd scream at her. And then I would hunt her and stalk her and make sure she got her butt to class every day and did her homework all the time... you know a lot like I do to my own children now. But alas there is no going back. So instead I resent and regret her and do my best to move forward with today.
Today I am gulping down deep breaths. I got an email from one of my professors yesterday (all 3 of whom I am pretty certain are going to be younger than me... my fear is MUCH younger than me.) Anyway, professor #1 of my Critical Thinking/ Reading class that is primarily online but requires one hour of a week of lab work has warned that if I think I will get through her class without committing AT LEAST 10 hours a week to it, I am sorely mistaken. And that is like the worst kind of mistaken. So suddenly it occurs to me, all my classes may be like that, which means 3 classes x 10 hours a week = 30 hours a week for schoolwork, not to mention the 4 hours every Monday night I will be spending in my College Writing class. Gulp. (I'm also taking a math class online). That of course is all on top of my full time job and being a wife and mom. Can I get a "What the hell were you thinking?"
I don't know. I wasn't. I just know this really, REALLY felt like the direction God was moving me - again without a plan, an understanding or any insight at all. I just took the step of faith and signed up. Then God provided financial aid to pay for the classes. Then I had MY plan for what I wanted to sign up for and I felt God draw me a slightly different direction. Then I got ALL THREE of the classes I felt HE was telling me to sign up for, and that was after everyone told me the likelihood of that actually happening was nil. So, felt like a double confirmation. So I press on.
But now I find myself actually staring directly down the barrel of the school shotgun and all the imagining of what it is going to be like will soon fade into what will be real. I've been warning my family about the challenges that are ahead. Last night my daughter called in a panic over something she forgot and needed me to run to the store for. I told her that soon those last minute "mini-crises" were not going to take top priority. This morning I lectured both her and her brother about how much more important personal responsibility and planning ahead was about to become. Mom rescue will be on hiatus.
I've warned my hubby too. He's really willing to step up and said so, but dinners, bedtimes, practices, rehearsals, homework and the like are all about to slide smooth like spaghetti off of my plate and onto his. That's going to be new, and maybe a challenge to his laid back nature when schedules and deadlines have to be kept. Even as I type this my heart starts to palpitate. Only one of us has an issue with things not going as they're supposed to, and newsflash: it isn't him.
So, I've been praying, maybe more than usual about what's ahead. I've been praying a LOT. Mostly the "dear God help me" kind of prayers, but also quite a few of the "God are you sure about this?" variety as well. So far He has yet to relent.
He keeps speaking two things to me: (1) Be open handed. I have to let go of how I think things ought to be. If one of my kids gets a D on their science project or forgets their homework or fails a test, I don't get to get in a tizzy and have a fit. I need to let life and natural consequences take their course. If I miss a deadline, or do poorly on an exam, it will not be the end of the world. All I can do is the best I can do. If there is a week that my family has to eat cheap Del Taco three nights in a row, I have to be ok. If the kids miss their bedtimes or whatever I know the Lord is saying, "Let it go." Life happens. As the Lord and I have this "discussion" while I am walking trying to get my 10K steps a day you might find me talking to him and literally lifting my hand and opening my palm and pushing it toward heaven, like releasing a bird, "open handed." Check. Because that is TOTALLY my personality.... NOT.
The second thing He keeps speaking to my heart is a verse. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Over and over and over again I hear this. I feel like this is the theme verse for the days that lie ahead. And can I just be honest with you? That scares me alittle lot.... And it gives me hope. Because in the midst of missed or messed up meals, on the days I feel like an absolute failure as a wife, woman, mom and/or student, I am anticipating (hoping, begging, believing) that God, always true to His word will step in, and I will find His grace in a new and abounding way. Oh Lord, I hope that's what I hear you saying!
But it's not going to be easy. I have a lot to overcome, primarily my own personality that willreact overreact, fight and struggle to keep everything "just so," And I am going to have to stop myself and choose to remember this revelation now in advance that will be hard to recollect in the midst of chaos and busyness. There will be a lot of days I need reminders to be open-handed and walk in grace, and live in a bigger more eternal perspective than the tyranny of the urgent and perfectionism that comes more naturally to me. Lots of deep breaths and hail mary prayers ahead.
So if you see me in the moment overwhelmed, reacting or overreacting, in panic or freak out mode, please feel free, from a careful distance of course, to just say "Hey Diana, you're living open-handed, right?" Or if you care to be more diplomatic simply remind, "Diana, God's grace is great, isn't it!" Because I can pretty much guarantee you, I will need the refresher course. And if your willing, say a prayer for me and my family on this new adventure. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Diana
My first thought is that I'd really like to go back to 1988 and slap around the young woman who graduated high school with 18 units of college credit from her AP tests in her senior year. "Stay in school!" I'd scream at her. And then I would hunt her and stalk her and make sure she got her butt to class every day and did her homework all the time... you know a lot like I do to my own children now. But alas there is no going back. So instead I resent and regret her and do my best to move forward with today.
Today I am gulping down deep breaths. I got an email from one of my professors yesterday (all 3 of whom I am pretty certain are going to be younger than me... my fear is MUCH younger than me.) Anyway, professor #1 of my Critical Thinking/ Reading class that is primarily online but requires one hour of a week of lab work has warned that if I think I will get through her class without committing AT LEAST 10 hours a week to it, I am sorely mistaken. And that is like the worst kind of mistaken. So suddenly it occurs to me, all my classes may be like that, which means 3 classes x 10 hours a week = 30 hours a week for schoolwork, not to mention the 4 hours every Monday night I will be spending in my College Writing class. Gulp. (I'm also taking a math class online). That of course is all on top of my full time job and being a wife and mom. Can I get a "What the hell were you thinking?"I don't know. I wasn't. I just know this really, REALLY felt like the direction God was moving me - again without a plan, an understanding or any insight at all. I just took the step of faith and signed up. Then God provided financial aid to pay for the classes. Then I had MY plan for what I wanted to sign up for and I felt God draw me a slightly different direction. Then I got ALL THREE of the classes I felt HE was telling me to sign up for, and that was after everyone told me the likelihood of that actually happening was nil. So, felt like a double confirmation. So I press on.
But now I find myself actually staring directly down the barrel of the school shotgun and all the imagining of what it is going to be like will soon fade into what will be real. I've been warning my family about the challenges that are ahead. Last night my daughter called in a panic over something she forgot and needed me to run to the store for. I told her that soon those last minute "mini-crises" were not going to take top priority. This morning I lectured both her and her brother about how much more important personal responsibility and planning ahead was about to become. Mom rescue will be on hiatus.
I've warned my hubby too. He's really willing to step up and said so, but dinners, bedtimes, practices, rehearsals, homework and the like are all about to slide smooth like spaghetti off of my plate and onto his. That's going to be new, and maybe a challenge to his laid back nature when schedules and deadlines have to be kept. Even as I type this my heart starts to palpitate. Only one of us has an issue with things not going as they're supposed to, and newsflash: it isn't him.
So, I've been praying, maybe more than usual about what's ahead. I've been praying a LOT. Mostly the "dear God help me" kind of prayers, but also quite a few of the "God are you sure about this?" variety as well. So far He has yet to relent.
He keeps speaking two things to me: (1) Be open handed. I have to let go of how I think things ought to be. If one of my kids gets a D on their science project or forgets their homework or fails a test, I don't get to get in a tizzy and have a fit. I need to let life and natural consequences take their course. If I miss a deadline, or do poorly on an exam, it will not be the end of the world. All I can do is the best I can do. If there is a week that my family has to eat cheap Del Taco three nights in a row, I have to be ok. If the kids miss their bedtimes or whatever I know the Lord is saying, "Let it go." Life happens. As the Lord and I have this "discussion" while I am walking trying to get my 10K steps a day you might find me talking to him and literally lifting my hand and opening my palm and pushing it toward heaven, like releasing a bird, "open handed." Check. Because that is TOTALLY my personality.... NOT.
The second thing He keeps speaking to my heart is a verse. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Over and over and over again I hear this. I feel like this is the theme verse for the days that lie ahead. And can I just be honest with you? That scares me a
But it's not going to be easy. I have a lot to overcome, primarily my own personality that will
So if you see me in the moment overwhelmed, reacting or overreacting, in panic or freak out mode, please feel free, from a careful distance of course, to just say "Hey Diana, you're living open-handed, right?" Or if you care to be more diplomatic simply remind, "Diana, God's grace is great, isn't it!" Because I can pretty much guarantee you, I will need the refresher course. And if your willing, say a prayer for me and my family on this new adventure. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Diana
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Planning change
Oh boy. Hey friends.
I'm super excited this morning because upon my arrival to work I have already walked 3,207 steps of my 10,000 steps per day goal. My husband bought me a Fitbit for Christmas and it has stirred up my competitive spirit, even if I am only competing with myself (that might be the best person to compete with.)
Two years ago at this time I was at the point of a 50 lb weight loss. Today I am almost 25 pounds UP from that point. That's not a very happy place to be. I am 13 lbs down from where I was this past November 1st, but 14 lbs up from where I was the November before. Up and down, up and down. But I've decided I don't want to focus on being skinny but being healthy. And I feel like that is something I am moving towards- eating right for my body since the beginning of November (except for a horrible lost 10 days surrounding Christmas) and since the 28th of December upping my activity level considerably. (Since December 28th I have walked over 60 miles, and over 135,000 steps.)
So I have digressed because this post isn't actually about my successes, but about my plans for continuing to be successful, and wondering how that's going to happen since in just a couple weeks, I am going back to college after a (cough) 22 year absence... I find myself looking ahead and wondering what I was thinking signing up for this... and signing up for not one, not two, but THREE classes. So this morning I find some encouragement in being able to up my step level in the mornings like I have for the last couple days because I think maybe just MAYBE I'll be able to continue to work in my 10,000 steps a day along with school work, homework, papers and whatever else may come.
So I am planning. Without vision the people perish, right? Isn't that what the Bible says? Oh and on top of my physical goals and my school goals, did I mention I intend to read through my Bible in a year again this year, chronologically. Because I need to be in the Word too. Please note, this list of goals and intentions is not so far listed in priority. It's just all on the buffet and all what I would like to put on my plate, in addition to my full-time job and being a wife to Neal and mama to my three kids. Plus I still have my Tuesday night Bible study group and Bunco once a month and other friends I want to stay actively connected to. Because, relationship matters as well.
So like I said, I walked into work this morning pleased with my step count so far because it gave me hope, and in my mind I started to plan.... In the mornings I will go like I have the last two days. I have three classes, one online, one that is a hybrid that requires an hour of lab on campus each week and one that has me in a classroom every Monday for 4 hours. Totally doable, right? I will do homework on this night at this time and I will cook these meals on these days...
As I was full of good planning and intention this morning with my 3,000+ step count by 9 am I heard a Bible passage in my brain.
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." James 4:13-16
Ouch. Here I am thinking and planning, I'll do homework here and I'll walk there, and I'll meet so and so for coffee then... The reality is I have no clue how this is going to go. I don't know what the reading load or the homework will be like, or how busy things will be at work or if and when my kids will get sick or need a ride or if the weather will trap me indoors and prevent my walks, I don't know anything. And all this silly specific planning in my mind is futile. I cannot begin to plan for the changes ahead because so many of the factors are completely unknown to me.
That's when another verse played in my head.
“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:31-34
Ok, deep breath. I cannot plan for tomorrow because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know Who holds tomorrow, and the rest of the weeks and months that lie ahead, with all the activities that are on my calendar or are soon coming. I don't know, but God knows. So I am going to lay aside my plans for the specific changes on the horizon and focus on my general intentions, and those I will plan to do my best to follow through on.
I will continue to put my Bible by the side of my bed so that I read God's Word first thing in the mornings. Weather permitting I will try to have mornings like today to get many steps in before I get to work. I will try to meal plan for my family, and I will try to schedule my homework so Bible study and Bunco night are not affected. I will do my best to be healthy and make meal plans and make healthy choices spirit, mind and body. And I will know that I will not be able (probably) to do everything I want to do every day. And I think I have decided not to measure my success in the number of steps, grades, gourmet meals cooked or pounds lost. I'm going to try very hard to be successful in those things, but those things will not be my focus.
I'm going to fix my eyes on the Who, and on His agenda, not mine. I believe going back to school was a God idea and not just a good idea and I feel strongly that being healthy and fit to serve are part of his plan, and I know time with Him in prayer and His Word need to be a definite priority. My job has to be done properly and I have to be the wife and mama in this family. So even if my prayers are mostly the "God, please help me," and I occasionally fall a day or two behind in my reading along the way (think Leviticus and Deuteronomy), or I flub an assignment, I know God's grace is greater. I know succeed or fail if I draw close to Him, He'll draw close to me. And I know His power will be made perfect in my weakness. I know He has promised to work ALL things together for my good because I love Him, and I am called according to His purpose. I may not have all this covered, but I know God does.
So, as far as planning change ahead goes, I know change is coming, I can plan on it - but as for God, He is the same yesterday, today and forever and I can REALLY count on Him! Feel free to pray for me if you're willing over the next few weeks and months. I'm certain I'll need it. And if you see me panicking a little, or becoming overwhelmed, remind me God's got this and to just get my focus back on him.
Peace,
Diana
I'm super excited this morning because upon my arrival to work I have already walked 3,207 steps of my 10,000 steps per day goal. My husband bought me a Fitbit for Christmas and it has stirred up my competitive spirit, even if I am only competing with myself (that might be the best person to compete with.)
Two years ago at this time I was at the point of a 50 lb weight loss. Today I am almost 25 pounds UP from that point. That's not a very happy place to be. I am 13 lbs down from where I was this past November 1st, but 14 lbs up from where I was the November before. Up and down, up and down. But I've decided I don't want to focus on being skinny but being healthy. And I feel like that is something I am moving towards- eating right for my body since the beginning of November (except for a horrible lost 10 days surrounding Christmas) and since the 28th of December upping my activity level considerably. (Since December 28th I have walked over 60 miles, and over 135,000 steps.)
So I have digressed because this post isn't actually about my successes, but about my plans for continuing to be successful, and wondering how that's going to happen since in just a couple weeks, I am going back to college after a (cough) 22 year absence... I find myself looking ahead and wondering what I was thinking signing up for this... and signing up for not one, not two, but THREE classes. So this morning I find some encouragement in being able to up my step level in the mornings like I have for the last couple days because I think maybe just MAYBE I'll be able to continue to work in my 10,000 steps a day along with school work, homework, papers and whatever else may come.
So I am planning. Without vision the people perish, right? Isn't that what the Bible says? Oh and on top of my physical goals and my school goals, did I mention I intend to read through my Bible in a year again this year, chronologically. Because I need to be in the Word too. Please note, this list of goals and intentions is not so far listed in priority. It's just all on the buffet and all what I would like to put on my plate, in addition to my full-time job and being a wife to Neal and mama to my three kids. Plus I still have my Tuesday night Bible study group and Bunco once a month and other friends I want to stay actively connected to. Because, relationship matters as well.
So like I said, I walked into work this morning pleased with my step count so far because it gave me hope, and in my mind I started to plan.... In the mornings I will go like I have the last two days. I have three classes, one online, one that is a hybrid that requires an hour of lab on campus each week and one that has me in a classroom every Monday for 4 hours. Totally doable, right? I will do homework on this night at this time and I will cook these meals on these days...
As I was full of good planning and intention this morning with my 3,000+ step count by 9 am I heard a Bible passage in my brain.
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." James 4:13-16
Ouch. Here I am thinking and planning, I'll do homework here and I'll walk there, and I'll meet so and so for coffee then... The reality is I have no clue how this is going to go. I don't know what the reading load or the homework will be like, or how busy things will be at work or if and when my kids will get sick or need a ride or if the weather will trap me indoors and prevent my walks, I don't know anything. And all this silly specific planning in my mind is futile. I cannot begin to plan for the changes ahead because so many of the factors are completely unknown to me.
That's when another verse played in my head.
“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:31-34
Ok, deep breath. I cannot plan for tomorrow because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know Who holds tomorrow, and the rest of the weeks and months that lie ahead, with all the activities that are on my calendar or are soon coming. I don't know, but God knows. So I am going to lay aside my plans for the specific changes on the horizon and focus on my general intentions, and those I will plan to do my best to follow through on.
I will continue to put my Bible by the side of my bed so that I read God's Word first thing in the mornings. Weather permitting I will try to have mornings like today to get many steps in before I get to work. I will try to meal plan for my family, and I will try to schedule my homework so Bible study and Bunco night are not affected. I will do my best to be healthy and make meal plans and make healthy choices spirit, mind and body. And I will know that I will not be able (probably) to do everything I want to do every day. And I think I have decided not to measure my success in the number of steps, grades, gourmet meals cooked or pounds lost. I'm going to try very hard to be successful in those things, but those things will not be my focus.
I'm going to fix my eyes on the Who, and on His agenda, not mine. I believe going back to school was a God idea and not just a good idea and I feel strongly that being healthy and fit to serve are part of his plan, and I know time with Him in prayer and His Word need to be a definite priority. My job has to be done properly and I have to be the wife and mama in this family. So even if my prayers are mostly the "God, please help me," and I occasionally fall a day or two behind in my reading along the way (think Leviticus and Deuteronomy), or I flub an assignment, I know God's grace is greater. I know succeed or fail if I draw close to Him, He'll draw close to me. And I know His power will be made perfect in my weakness. I know He has promised to work ALL things together for my good because I love Him, and I am called according to His purpose. I may not have all this covered, but I know God does.
So, as far as planning change ahead goes, I know change is coming, I can plan on it - but as for God, He is the same yesterday, today and forever and I can REALLY count on Him! Feel free to pray for me if you're willing over the next few weeks and months. I'm certain I'll need it. And if you see me panicking a little, or becoming overwhelmed, remind me God's got this and to just get my focus back on him.
Peace,
Diana
Monday, January 5, 2015
The purpose of altars.
Friends,
I am just going to be very honest here and confess, lately I feel a lot like my mind and my faith are under attack. When I think about God and eternity, my mind is easily overwhelmed. It's almost as though I hear a little whisper behind me that says "It can't really be true." Sometimes lately, "the Greatest Story ever told" feels just like that, a story.
Even as I am reading my bible, a place where I would hope strength for my faith would always be found, I find myself falling into a battle with doubt. "How can this be?" I think. "That sounds so crazy," I mutter under my breath. And there is a catch in chest. I ask myself, "What if none of it is true?"
I don't think this is a strange experience for believers. Though I think most of us won't talk about it, or admit it out loud, I imagine we all have these battles of the mind. Because honestly, living forever sounds crazy, especially when I am tired. I cannot begin to imagine going on and on in eternity when I'm tired. Heaven is a concept I cannot full grasp.
It's kind of crazy for me because I am "a woman of the Word." I love the scriptures, I have friends who refer to me as their source when they want to know what the Bible says about something or where it says it. I love words in general, they have great value to me, but the Word of God, well, that's Jesus Himself, and I can't begin to express the "higher level" that takes the value of His Word to for me.
And despite that I find myself battling lately with the Word, and what I believe about it. And yet, at the same time, strangely, I don't.
Even as I am working through my thoughts and struggles I think about what the Word says about the last days, and the "Great Apostasy" that will come - the days and times when MANY who know the Word, and are followers and faithful believers in Christ will fall away and stop believing. I believe there is evidence of this happening all around us. And so I am mindful of the possibility that my battles are exactly a part of that.
Or perhaps not, maybe it's just part of the process of "going deeper" with God. A lot of folks don't like their authority or expertise being questioned. You find that mindset among pastors, teachers, parents, bosses - our egos get in and if we are convinced of what we know, we are not ok with that "truth" (little t) being questioned. But God has no ego, and I don't think He is at all intimidated by the questions, struggles and doubts of His own. Maybe that's what "working out one's salvation" is all about. Working through the questions with the Lord is a right response, even if you're struggling with doubts about Him.
One thing has kept me anchored through these recent battles. It's the "altars" I've built in my life. There are different stories in the Bible where God called people to build altars. He told Jacob to build an altar where he had battled with God, Noah built an altar after the flood, and the Israelites built an altar where they crossed the Jordan. God commanded them to do this.
Why? I think because these "altars" represent more than head knowledge of faith - these altars are built as reminders of people's very personal interactions with God. Noah had done the crazy and ridiculous at God's command, and as crazy as it sounds, after the waters subsided, I think Noah in is humanness was at risk of forgetting that what saved Him was the clear voice of the Lord that called him (Noah to radical obedience.) In quieter days ahead as life had gone on, I think Noah was likely to forget Yahweh wasn't just God, He was Noah's God. You won't find piles of stones in my backyard or anything, but I have places that I have written down, spoken of, and I refer to, where I know God met me.
As I look at all the things that I read and learn and hear about God and from His Word, it is easy to have my mind overwhelmed. But, BUT, I can look back on my life in places that God met me personally, and spoke to or directed me personally (yes, He does that) and whatever my head may argue, my heart cannot deny that God is not just God, but He is my God, and He loves me, has (and will again) ministered to me in a very real and personal way. And He has called me to a very specific life that He has chosen for me, even when I cannot begin to fathom exactly what that is.
Altars are what we need to "build" in those places God has called us to step out in faith. They need to be built in the places that God provided when no one else could. They are the intimate moments of worship where His presence is felt, they are the touches from heaven, whether healing, help or hope that only God can provide.
Walking with Christ does not mean we will never question or doubt, but it should mean that more than head knowledge, there are altars placed where the personal knowledge of the God of the universe who loves us individually, intimately and personally can be looked upon to help us hang on as we work through the struggles.
If you are in that place where God is guiding and directing, where he has shown Himself faithful and provided, then build your altar there today. And if you are struggling, feeling lonely, lost or overwhelmed, look back, look carefully, find them, the undeniable Truth (big T) of your altars is there.
Blessings,
Diana
I am just going to be very honest here and confess, lately I feel a lot like my mind and my faith are under attack. When I think about God and eternity, my mind is easily overwhelmed. It's almost as though I hear a little whisper behind me that says "It can't really be true." Sometimes lately, "the Greatest Story ever told" feels just like that, a story.
Even as I am reading my bible, a place where I would hope strength for my faith would always be found, I find myself falling into a battle with doubt. "How can this be?" I think. "That sounds so crazy," I mutter under my breath. And there is a catch in chest. I ask myself, "What if none of it is true?"
I don't think this is a strange experience for believers. Though I think most of us won't talk about it, or admit it out loud, I imagine we all have these battles of the mind. Because honestly, living forever sounds crazy, especially when I am tired. I cannot begin to imagine going on and on in eternity when I'm tired. Heaven is a concept I cannot full grasp.
It's kind of crazy for me because I am "a woman of the Word." I love the scriptures, I have friends who refer to me as their source when they want to know what the Bible says about something or where it says it. I love words in general, they have great value to me, but the Word of God, well, that's Jesus Himself, and I can't begin to express the "higher level" that takes the value of His Word to for me.
And despite that I find myself battling lately with the Word, and what I believe about it. And yet, at the same time, strangely, I don't.
Even as I am working through my thoughts and struggles I think about what the Word says about the last days, and the "Great Apostasy" that will come - the days and times when MANY who know the Word, and are followers and faithful believers in Christ will fall away and stop believing. I believe there is evidence of this happening all around us. And so I am mindful of the possibility that my battles are exactly a part of that.
Or perhaps not, maybe it's just part of the process of "going deeper" with God. A lot of folks don't like their authority or expertise being questioned. You find that mindset among pastors, teachers, parents, bosses - our egos get in and if we are convinced of what we know, we are not ok with that "truth" (little t) being questioned. But God has no ego, and I don't think He is at all intimidated by the questions, struggles and doubts of His own. Maybe that's what "working out one's salvation" is all about. Working through the questions with the Lord is a right response, even if you're struggling with doubts about Him.
One thing has kept me anchored through these recent battles. It's the "altars" I've built in my life. There are different stories in the Bible where God called people to build altars. He told Jacob to build an altar where he had battled with God, Noah built an altar after the flood, and the Israelites built an altar where they crossed the Jordan. God commanded them to do this.
Why? I think because these "altars" represent more than head knowledge of faith - these altars are built as reminders of people's very personal interactions with God. Noah had done the crazy and ridiculous at God's command, and as crazy as it sounds, after the waters subsided, I think Noah in is humanness was at risk of forgetting that what saved Him was the clear voice of the Lord that called him (Noah to radical obedience.) In quieter days ahead as life had gone on, I think Noah was likely to forget Yahweh wasn't just God, He was Noah's God. You won't find piles of stones in my backyard or anything, but I have places that I have written down, spoken of, and I refer to, where I know God met me.
As I look at all the things that I read and learn and hear about God and from His Word, it is easy to have my mind overwhelmed. But, BUT, I can look back on my life in places that God met me personally, and spoke to or directed me personally (yes, He does that) and whatever my head may argue, my heart cannot deny that God is not just God, but He is my God, and He loves me, has (and will again) ministered to me in a very real and personal way. And He has called me to a very specific life that He has chosen for me, even when I cannot begin to fathom exactly what that is.
Altars are what we need to "build" in those places God has called us to step out in faith. They need to be built in the places that God provided when no one else could. They are the intimate moments of worship where His presence is felt, they are the touches from heaven, whether healing, help or hope that only God can provide.
Walking with Christ does not mean we will never question or doubt, but it should mean that more than head knowledge, there are altars placed where the personal knowledge of the God of the universe who loves us individually, intimately and personally can be looked upon to help us hang on as we work through the struggles.
If you are in that place where God is guiding and directing, where he has shown Himself faithful and provided, then build your altar there today. And if you are struggling, feeling lonely, lost or overwhelmed, look back, look carefully, find them, the undeniable Truth (big T) of your altars is there.
Blessings,
Diana
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Grateful
I felt like my heart was going to bust earlier this morning. I was just driving along, thinking about life and I felt really full of gratitude. There is so much to be thankful for.
I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. "Counting one's blessings" is a wise and healthy thing to do. For me this week I have been counting mine, repeatedly. Stepping out of the shower the other night I suddenly uttered "I love my family so much." And I meant it. My gratefulness for them just bubbled right out of my mouth on its own. It made me smile. Because there have been lots of times the spontaneous utterances of the past have been tinged with anger or frustration. Bitter words don't make you smile when they suddenly slip out. But I am crazy mad in love with my husband of almost 24 years, we have three not perfect but perfectly wonderful kids that although they drive me nuts a lot of days, I am really grateful to be their mom.
I took the time to write some cards this week. I wanted to express my gratitude for some of the women God has placed in my life. The Lord spoke to my heart about them being "pillars" in my life when I was struggling a while back with loneliness and isolation. God's brought new friendships since those days but more importantly he's made me more aware of certain relationships that have sustained years and years of relationship. And my heart has felt full and blessed because of it, so I had to say so.
I had an icky season with my health recently (icky is the best word I can come up with because scary seems too dramatic and difficult seems overstated.) And so as I have come through the process and learned more about my overall health, I am really grateful that I am pretty healthy, as are my husband, my children and for the most part my parents. Losing my beloved grandmother this year and seeing others lose loved ones as well makes me realize how blessed we are, but not to take it for granted - even still, tomorrow is not guaranteed, which makes me grateful for today.
Our home, our jobs, our old but running cars - we are pretty blessed. And I even find myself grateful that my 13 year old minivan is still running and I am car payment free for today. Grateful.
Being off Facebook for the last month has been good for me. It's calmed my spirit and quieted my brain and removed a lot of distraction from my life. It's given me the ability to focus on MY world instead of THE world and it's changed my perspective quite a bit.
But in all my thoughts about what I am grateful FOR, the thing that has run through my mind the most the last few days is WHO I am grateful TO. Because gratitude for the sake of itself does not compare to the sweet joy and fulfillment in recognizing Who I am grateful too, especially realizing how much more there is to be grateful for than the things He's given me.
God loves me so much. It's not some far off superficial thing when I say, "He gave his Son for me." It's Truth. Deep, powerful, foundational TRUTH that life is all about. Grace, redemption, forgiveness - real, real and mine. If you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, it's yours too. If you really know Him, then you know you have a lot to be grateful for too. God is good.
God is good.
I am grateful.
I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. "Counting one's blessings" is a wise and healthy thing to do. For me this week I have been counting mine, repeatedly. Stepping out of the shower the other night I suddenly uttered "I love my family so much." And I meant it. My gratefulness for them just bubbled right out of my mouth on its own. It made me smile. Because there have been lots of times the spontaneous utterances of the past have been tinged with anger or frustration. Bitter words don't make you smile when they suddenly slip out. But I am crazy mad in love with my husband of almost 24 years, we have three not perfect but perfectly wonderful kids that although they drive me nuts a lot of days, I am really grateful to be their mom.
I took the time to write some cards this week. I wanted to express my gratitude for some of the women God has placed in my life. The Lord spoke to my heart about them being "pillars" in my life when I was struggling a while back with loneliness and isolation. God's brought new friendships since those days but more importantly he's made me more aware of certain relationships that have sustained years and years of relationship. And my heart has felt full and blessed because of it, so I had to say so.
I had an icky season with my health recently (icky is the best word I can come up with because scary seems too dramatic and difficult seems overstated.) And so as I have come through the process and learned more about my overall health, I am really grateful that I am pretty healthy, as are my husband, my children and for the most part my parents. Losing my beloved grandmother this year and seeing others lose loved ones as well makes me realize how blessed we are, but not to take it for granted - even still, tomorrow is not guaranteed, which makes me grateful for today.
Our home, our jobs, our old but running cars - we are pretty blessed. And I even find myself grateful that my 13 year old minivan is still running and I am car payment free for today. Grateful.
Being off Facebook for the last month has been good for me. It's calmed my spirit and quieted my brain and removed a lot of distraction from my life. It's given me the ability to focus on MY world instead of THE world and it's changed my perspective quite a bit.
But in all my thoughts about what I am grateful FOR, the thing that has run through my mind the most the last few days is WHO I am grateful TO. Because gratitude for the sake of itself does not compare to the sweet joy and fulfillment in recognizing Who I am grateful too, especially realizing how much more there is to be grateful for than the things He's given me.
God loves me so much. It's not some far off superficial thing when I say, "He gave his Son for me." It's Truth. Deep, powerful, foundational TRUTH that life is all about. Grace, redemption, forgiveness - real, real and mine. If you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, it's yours too. If you really know Him, then you know you have a lot to be grateful for too. God is good.
God is good.
I am grateful.
I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
2
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2
Thursday, November 13, 2014
I had this moment....
It's been an eventful few weeks for me. I've stepped back from a lot and I did it with one intention and it ended up becoming about something completely else. (Is that an acceptable sentence? You get my point.)
My health has been challenged, a problem progressing into treatment that brought out complications, then more treatment brought pain and then complications just seemed to escalate and I've dealt with a plethora of issues that have worn me down physically. Thankfully the first step back has done wonders for maintaining spiritual and mental strength and emotionally for the most part as well. (Translation: God is good.)
But when my daughter sang worship in her junior high youth group this past weekend I sent my husband to watch with a request to video tape because I just couldn't get there physically. Literally my pain and fatigue had me beat.
So it was actually days before I even came to myself and remembered to ask my hubby to let me see the video tape he'd made of her helping lead worship. She sang along with one of her leaders one of my favorite (currently especially) worship songs. I don't know if it's a Bethel song or a Jesus Culture song (I think they may be related, actually) but it's a powerful and beautiful song that ministers to my soul, and is particularly ministering in this current season.
You can listen to it and read the lyrics as it goes along here:
As I watched the video of my daughter I was, of course as any mom would be, very proud. But I could see her nerves, and maybe even a little disconnect from what she was actually doing. She was "leading worship" but whether or not she was TRULY worshiping I couldn't tell. To some degree, yes, but the fullness of it, I just didn't know.
My husband helps "lead worship" from behind his drums, and what I love about him is that he TRULY worships. Worship isn't easy for me, I am highly distractable, and so when I see the way my husband really enters in, that's powerful, especially when his hands and feet are doing a thousand different things. But for me, the most powerful worship is always when the ones who are leading are TRULY worshiping because that isn't always the case, especially I am sure when you're just learning HOW to lead. So I am not criticizing my daughter, just making an observation. She did beautifully.
So much so that as I headed to the shower after watching the videos the song really stuck with me. And as I was singing it in the shower, I really was able to enter in. That's just how I roll, in the middle of a congregation singing with me I fight to focus, get me alone and vulnerable before God in the shower, and there His presence is most powerful and evident to me.
As I sang the second verse, "I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves, when my heart becomes free and my shame is undone, Your presence, Lord," it was as though something pierced my heart. I could see the slow unbraiding of shame. That's what it looked like to me, I could compare it to the "grave clothes" of Lazarus.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:44
He was bound, and Jesus set him free. I had this profound a-ha moment of my own shame that Christ had freed me from. That's the way I came to Christ, full of shame, and that was the first thing He dealt with me. "Diana, come forth," if you will, and he took off the grave clothes of shame with the help of some of the women who followed Him.
Remembering is good. Because two decades and then some later it is easy to forget from whence I came. And suddenly I thought about my daughter again, singing that song. Of course it was hard for her to connect to the words. She's 12, and thankfully had a relatively peaceful and uneventful life, and I don't think any "shame" she's ever felt could even compare to the shame being sung about in this song.
Suddenly I had this moment, where I was glad that my young daughter had never experienced shame like that. I think of so many young people violated or broken living lives that no child ever should, as victims or by their own choices, it doesn't matter. It breaks my heart that they feel that shame. And so I had a grateful thought and I had the hope that my daughter might NEVER know that kind of shame. And of course I don't want her to ever experience any shame as the result of sinful choices - whether her own like me, or being victimized by someone else. But, I thought, I DO want her to know that Jesus. I want her to know the depth of His love, grace and redemption - somehow.
I've said many times I feel stuck between as a mom wanting my children to have that testimony of knowing and following Jesus faithfully from a young age. I want the goodness of that from them. But I am also grateful for the depth of knowledge I have of Who Christ is because He called me out of the grave.
I know He calls us all "out of darkness" and into His glorious light, but I am grateful that I know the pain of walking around in the darkness. I still don't want that for my children but I do pray God will reveal Himself to them in the same depth, somehow. Through His Holy Spirit of course.
I guess at the end of it, we must embrace the testimony God has given us. There are no comparisons, no one better way - it's just a matter of following Christ. Letting Him write the story of our lives that in the end is for our good and His glory. But I do hope that at some point, however God sees fit that all my children will be able to sing the words to songs like this and really GET IT. I am glad that as my daughter sings that song, she is making that invitation, even if she doesn't fully understand it yet. "Holy Spirit You are welcome here..." The goodness of God is overwhelming, I want my children to know that. In His presence is fullness of joy, I want people to know that.
I am so very thankful for my Savior and all that He has done and continues to do for me.
My health has been challenged, a problem progressing into treatment that brought out complications, then more treatment brought pain and then complications just seemed to escalate and I've dealt with a plethora of issues that have worn me down physically. Thankfully the first step back has done wonders for maintaining spiritual and mental strength and emotionally for the most part as well. (Translation: God is good.)
But when my daughter sang worship in her junior high youth group this past weekend I sent my husband to watch with a request to video tape because I just couldn't get there physically. Literally my pain and fatigue had me beat.
So it was actually days before I even came to myself and remembered to ask my hubby to let me see the video tape he'd made of her helping lead worship. She sang along with one of her leaders one of my favorite (currently especially) worship songs. I don't know if it's a Bethel song or a Jesus Culture song (I think they may be related, actually) but it's a powerful and beautiful song that ministers to my soul, and is particularly ministering in this current season.
You can listen to it and read the lyrics as it goes along here:
As I watched the video of my daughter I was, of course as any mom would be, very proud. But I could see her nerves, and maybe even a little disconnect from what she was actually doing. She was "leading worship" but whether or not she was TRULY worshiping I couldn't tell. To some degree, yes, but the fullness of it, I just didn't know.
My husband helps "lead worship" from behind his drums, and what I love about him is that he TRULY worships. Worship isn't easy for me, I am highly distractable, and so when I see the way my husband really enters in, that's powerful, especially when his hands and feet are doing a thousand different things. But for me, the most powerful worship is always when the ones who are leading are TRULY worshiping because that isn't always the case, especially I am sure when you're just learning HOW to lead. So I am not criticizing my daughter, just making an observation. She did beautifully.
So much so that as I headed to the shower after watching the videos the song really stuck with me. And as I was singing it in the shower, I really was able to enter in. That's just how I roll, in the middle of a congregation singing with me I fight to focus, get me alone and vulnerable before God in the shower, and there His presence is most powerful and evident to me.
As I sang the second verse, "I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves, when my heart becomes free and my shame is undone, Your presence, Lord," it was as though something pierced my heart. I could see the slow unbraiding of shame. That's what it looked like to me, I could compare it to the "grave clothes" of Lazarus.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:44
He was bound, and Jesus set him free. I had this profound a-ha moment of my own shame that Christ had freed me from. That's the way I came to Christ, full of shame, and that was the first thing He dealt with me. "Diana, come forth," if you will, and he took off the grave clothes of shame with the help of some of the women who followed Him.
Remembering is good. Because two decades and then some later it is easy to forget from whence I came. And suddenly I thought about my daughter again, singing that song. Of course it was hard for her to connect to the words. She's 12, and thankfully had a relatively peaceful and uneventful life, and I don't think any "shame" she's ever felt could even compare to the shame being sung about in this song.
Suddenly I had this moment, where I was glad that my young daughter had never experienced shame like that. I think of so many young people violated or broken living lives that no child ever should, as victims or by their own choices, it doesn't matter. It breaks my heart that they feel that shame. And so I had a grateful thought and I had the hope that my daughter might NEVER know that kind of shame. And of course I don't want her to ever experience any shame as the result of sinful choices - whether her own like me, or being victimized by someone else. But, I thought, I DO want her to know that Jesus. I want her to know the depth of His love, grace and redemption - somehow.
I've said many times I feel stuck between as a mom wanting my children to have that testimony of knowing and following Jesus faithfully from a young age. I want the goodness of that from them. But I am also grateful for the depth of knowledge I have of Who Christ is because He called me out of the grave.
I know He calls us all "out of darkness" and into His glorious light, but I am grateful that I know the pain of walking around in the darkness. I still don't want that for my children but I do pray God will reveal Himself to them in the same depth, somehow. Through His Holy Spirit of course.
I guess at the end of it, we must embrace the testimony God has given us. There are no comparisons, no one better way - it's just a matter of following Christ. Letting Him write the story of our lives that in the end is for our good and His glory. But I do hope that at some point, however God sees fit that all my children will be able to sing the words to songs like this and really GET IT. I am glad that as my daughter sings that song, she is making that invitation, even if she doesn't fully understand it yet. "Holy Spirit You are welcome here..." The goodness of God is overwhelming, I want my children to know that. In His presence is fullness of joy, I want people to know that.
I am so very thankful for my Savior and all that He has done and continues to do for me.
Holy Spirit You are welcome here,
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God is what our hearts long for,
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord.
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