Heart hurts

My heart hurts...

for the ones who don't know You as the Good Shepherd because none of your people shepherded them...

for the ones who feel insignificant because they don't feel like they count, they only feel counted...

for the lonely who don't know You're with them because Your people don't embrace them...

for those who are held to the Word but not built up in it...

Where are the shepherds?

Who will lead?

Love?

Lift?

The church needs leaders who will lay down their lives to build up Your people.

Peter

Paul

Most of all...

Jesus...

We are called to live like Him.

Lead like Him.

Love like Him.

Build up and build into people like Jesus did.

The church is a people...

Not a place...

Not a plan...

Not a movement.

We've lost that.

It hurts my heart.

DANGER: Electrical Hazard

Neal and I spent several years as youth leaders.  One of my favorite things to do with them was to get away for a week at a time and go to youth camp.  There is just something about getting away in God's creation and removing all the distractions of their every day world and seeing them set their hearts on the things of God.  It was the mid 90s when we had the privilege to be youth leaders, and cell phones were in their early stages, and truthfully, I think the only thing they really did in those days was make phone calls.  Texting might have been around, but the age of the "smart phone" was still several years away.  And cell phones were definitely still a luxury, not a commonplace "necessity" the way they seem to be deemed today, but either way, we confiscated any of them that showed up at camp.  And they were not allowed to invade the "camp world."

It's not like that anymore.  I remember when my oldest would go to youth camp and Facebook was at its peak of popularity. All you had to do was sign in at night and you could catch a clip of a sermon or worship song, you could read commentary on the speaker or activities, and there would always be a larger selection of photographs to peruse to catch sight of the weekend.  I'm not going to lie, as a mom at home, I found it had its benefits.  But there was always a tiny tug at the back of my heart feeling like something important was being missed.  It's why I always made my own son leave his phone at home-- and why I never bought him a phone that did anymore than make a call or send a text message.  I didn't want him to miss out on anything God might have for him.  And I'm pleased to say that even now, as a young adult, he seems to be better than most about unplugging (but not having a smart phone probably facilitates the mentality.) 

My younger two are up at their first youth camp this weekend.  Neither of them has even crossed over into the cell phone world yet, and when they do they won't have smart phones either.  the iWorld of iPods and iPads and the like are banned from our home after some pretty bad burns with the first burn.  So my kids are technologically unplugged.  At our old church there was a surrender on even trying to keep the kids from plugging in at camp.  I was happy to hear that the church we attend now is trying to foster the unplugged experience, but I've seen a few comments and photos that indicate the attempt isn't completely successful, and I feel that same sad tug at my heart.  And I realize, it goes WAY beyond kids and the camp experience.

Someone once pointed out the "bite out of the apple" emblem that represents the iWorld, and how plainly "original sin" is represented there.  The picture has stuck with me.  The fall to temptation is clear.  It has a wide spectrum of possibilities.  Sex-ting and inappropriate conversations hit our home hard a few years back.  Kids will do and say things "online" that they would never have the courage or audacity to do face to face.  It's dangerous, and it moves relationships too fast and grows our kids up way too quickly.  Night after night or intimate conversations with an admirer of the opposite sex, then suddenly a first date feels more like a fifth date, and in a world that pushes for physical intimacy, the reasons against it are harder to see.  "Falling in love" with a person you've never even seen face to face happens -- I've heard tales of it destroying marriages and families.  It's scary.

One young woman sent a highly inappropriate picture to my son. And when I looked at it, in just a few minutes of investigating the background of the photo, I figured out where she lived and where she went to school.  I'm just a mom, what about the perverts out there who could look for the exact same information for the purpose of harming her. It was all through a "texting app" that I didn't know my son even had access to.  I checked the texts on his phone, I had no idea I had to worry about him texting from his iPod, or that he could even make PHONE CALLS through the little device!  Parents need to be educated!  It's like parents who let their kids do social networking without even knowing anything about it!  If I dropped my teenager off in a bad neighborhood to wander around for a few hours, someone would probably call social services on me, yet millions of parents do the exact same thing on the cyber equivalent of the internet every day.

Then there's the whole "texting and driving" issue (which I confess I have been guilty of).  Have you seen the new campaign?  "It can wait," they say.  And I'm starting to think, they have a really good point.  

So yeah, that's the scarier side, but even the mundane aspect of it is pretty sad.  I went away for a weekend with a group of girlfriends not long ago, and it was kind of sad how much of it was spent looking at the top half of their faces over their cell phones and iPads. And what about the multitude of mommies out there that are too busy to engage with their kiddos because they are documenting everything on Facebook and Instagram?  I know, I know, I've got a plank in my own eye here on this one, but still, it's an issue.

Have you ever say on the other side of the phone? You're out to dinner talking with a friend, or on a date with your spouse and while you're actually trying to engage you feel like you only have a small percentage of their actual attention because they're busy having some other pressing conversation via text, or checking the football scores, or just more interested in interacting on Facebook?  I've been there (probably on both sides of the situation) and I have felt both the guilt and the pain of one or both parties just not being 100%  PRESENT!   

Two ends of a seriously hazardous electrical issue.  False and fast intimacy on one end, and detrimental and damaged intimacy on the other.  Nobody even knows how to unplug anymore.  Nobody really wants to.  And I think the whole big deal of it is probably coming between us and God.  If we cannot focus properly on what is real and tangible and right in front of us, how can we let go long enough to connect our hearts to the invisible God.

I've tried to implement little things.  I stopped bringing my phone in the bedroom at night so it wasn't my first go to in the morning... but it's been back.  I have intended to leave it away from the dinner table, or on a date, but my resistance has waned.  I confess, I am pointing at the splinters in the eyes around me while I am looking over the enormous plank in my own eye, but I am not alone. 

It's August 1st tomorrow, and I don't know the specifics yet, but I'm thinking it's a good day to start some sort of "electrical experiment."  What can I do?  What should I do?  Banish the phone once again from the bedroom, from the kitchen, maybe from any opportunity I have time to spend with a friend or loved one IRL (In Real Life.)  I can feel the burden on my heart, something's gotta give.  I don't know all the details yet, but it's time for a change. Care to join me?

Offense

I am reading a book for a group I am participating in that is about stopping negative conversations. As a person who processes practically everything externally, I am finding the book to be a real challenge. Not in the nature of the book, which is to stop others from speaking negatively around me, but in the reality check that I am the one guilty of starting and/or perpetuating negative conversations. I share this as a disclaimer to the rest of the blog post ahead.

There was a particular point in the book that really struck me as an issue. It talked about the issue of offense, and how people who are offended are often guilty of what the book describes as evil reports. An evil report isn't necessarily true or untrue - just as false gossip would qualify as an evil report, so would a completely factual conversation if it would paint someone in a negative light to another. Get that, even if it's true, that's still an evil report.  I find that highly convicting, and I do not negate the truth. It takes me back to the very first verse I ever memorized as a Christian (out of a a "oh you need to know this" revelation) and one I still struggle with walking out to this day. It also happens to be the memory verse for my group this month.

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth except what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearer." Ephesians 4:29 NKJV (Ouch.) 

OK, so to be clear, even as a girl who processes outwardly, I GET that this is truth!  BUT (and you knew a but was coming, right?) where I differ with the author is in this statement here: 

"Truly, if someone becomes upset with another and offended, it becomes his or her sin. God has commanded us to love our neighbors, to love our enemies, to submit one to another. There is no place for becoming offended. Offenses separate us from God."

Whoa, whoa, whoa - STOP the presses.  I have a real problem with this here.  And the scripture that the author goes on to make his point with is taken out of context and misused to back up his point.  Here is his reference: 

"Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!" (Matthew 18:7, emphasis added).

Let's look at the passage he references IN CONTEXT: 

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!" Matthew 18:6-7

The "woe" of the passage here is issued to the offendER, NOT the one who has been offended.   And it's important to remember that!  Now when I mentioned my issue with this passage to one of the ladies in my group, I gave her the disclaimer, and I will to you as well, I recognize that this is coming from someone who finds herself, well, easily offended. The "justice minded, don't make anyone feel less than valued, people matter most" person that I am gets offended easily by the actions of others.  I confess it.  BUT that fact about me doesn't change the reality that an offense is defined by the hurt of the person on the receiving end, not by the intention of the one who caused the offense. 

"You shouldn't be offended, that's not... what I was trying to say... what I meant... that big a deal."  Have you ever been on the receiving ends of those kind of comments?  Did they magically make your hurt disappear? Did it make it all better?  Probably not, because intentional or not, an offense was given. And if it's not taken back, the offender has the power to walk away, but the offended is stuck walking around with it.  Folks like me (and I know I am not the only one) can find themselves stuck up under a heavy satchel full of hurts.  

Recently, I found myself offended, so much so that it has changed my perception of another person.  Unfortunately in the course of the offense it was pretty clear that only one of us wanted to even be in the conversation.  There is no going back to discuss the matter - and that is indeed the way things are sometimes. I think that's why the bible tells us in Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." 

Sometimes you can only do what you can do, you cannot force someone else into another level of relationship, or into a conversation, or into a course of action.  But, and this is a BIG BUT, this is where your responsibility comes in with that offense you have been left carrying.  You have not sinned in being offended (I don't care what the author says) but you have to make choices about what you do with that weight you have been handed.  Carrying it around in an "offense satchel" on your back for the rest of your life is really not going to work for you.

I had a real life revelation of this yesterday.  I've been holding onto the offense since it was given to me, purposely NOT trying to talk about it (letting the conviction of this book I'm reading sink in) but still feeling the weight of it.  

Yesterday I sat down with my mom and we were just making small talk. My extended family (on every side and avenue actually) is broken - some places it's fractures, other places it's downright demolished and destroyed.  There are a LOT of folks in my family walking around still carrying hurts and offenses.  I asked my mom for an update on one family member in particular who only has two people in the family who are even willing to speak to her because of the truckloads of offenses she has doled out in spades over the years, but somehow sees herself as some sort of victim. 

This same person has actual files she keeps on her own perceived offenses , and my mom told me a story about how in a very recent email she brought up a trip from more than two decades ago.  She was talking about being carsick because my dad told her to sit in the backseat and then didn't drive the mountain curves slowly enough to keep her from getting sick. She didn't feel valued, and she still has an issue with a single car ride that happened more than twenty years ago.  This is a tiny glimpse of an offense she has been holding onto. 

Now I know my dad, and his strong personality, and he probably wasn't sensitive that day. Her offense probably had some merit - twenty years ago... but the fact that it's still an issue now, is a problem.  And it's NOT my dad's problem.  I look at this person and her files of offenses (she literally sends quotes of things in emails and the like) and I look at her life, the fact that very few people in the extended family will even interact with her, the depths of physical, emotional and mental illness that she suffers under, and I cannot help but see a very likely correlation.  And I'm not going to lie, sitting across from my mother's desk, fondling my own offense in my "hand," it scared the HELL out of me!  

A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones. Proverbs 14:30 AMP

RED ALERT!!!  BEWARE!!!  LOOK OUT!!!

So I disagree with what the author says, that being offended is the sin.  And on another rabbit trail, I could tell you that I think this mentality is very dangerous ground to walk.  It gives license to treat people however we want, and license our actions with supposed good intentions.  I remember being brutally demeaned by a person in spiritual position of authority over me who then reached across the table and patted me on the hand quoting scripture as she said, "wounds of a friend, Diana, wounds of a friend."  That is NOT right. People, Christians, especially those in places of spiritual authority, need to be hyper-sensitive to whether or not they are hurting or stumbling another.  That same person stumbled another person in my own family so badly with that kind of spiritual mistreatment, that my loved one didn't just walk away from that church, she walked away from God.  Spiritual authority has to be worn with great care, because it is NOT a position of power to be wielded, it is a HUGE eternal responsibility that needs to be worn as a great burden.  When we are in positions of spiritual leadership, we have to go the extra mile (that's biblical, right?) to love and to serve and as the "hands and feet of Jesus" make people know they are loved and valued by God. No person is insignificant or replaceable in the eyes of God, and they should never be made to feel that way within the church. (Rabbit trail end.) 

But back to the one who's stuck holding the offense.  You have to make a decision now.  That's where I have found myself, I have to make a decision now. The sin is not in being offended, but the sin is in holding onto the offense.  The offense may change your perception, your relationship, even the decisions that you have to make, but you cannot allow it to change YOU.  I cannot allow it to change ME.

When we lay aside all the bells and whistles of church life, and the Christian walk, Jesus Himself said everything you need to know is encapsulated into two simple instructions: 

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40

Jesus Himself said, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

As you stand there holding that offense in your hand, whether it's from last week or last year, or the last millennium, there is a choice to be made.  Will you follow Christ? 

If the answer is yes, then you can do only one thing with that stone, and that's to lay it down.  Whether the principles of Matthew 18 will work out and you can resolve it between you and the offender or whether that is simply not an option, you have to lay the offense down, and you have to do it at the foot of the cross. 

Why? Because we are called to...

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

If you lay the offense down anywhere else, it will build something, a wall that separates or a wall that isolates. If you hold onto it, it will only weigh you down.  But if you lay it at the cross, and then take a step back and look upon it in the shadow of the cross, you will realize that it cannot compare to the offenses that Christ has borne for you.  Whatever it is that you are being called to overlook and forgive, it will never compare to what has been overlooked in you and forgiven of you.  If you stand there, you will realize and/or remember why you are even capable of loving another enough to let go of the offense.  It is quite simply those of us who take the time to remember just how much we have ourselves been forgiven that have the power and love to forgive.  

Words

Words.

They are dear to my heart
And my greatest enemy.

They are my tool
And they are my treasure.

I stumble in them
And I stumble over them.

There absence makes me anxious
Their excess strangles me.

I rarely take them at face value from another
I always wonder about what's really behind them.

They lift my spirit
And they crush my soul.

Spoken or thought
They consume me.

I say so many more than I don't want to
And I can't stop them from running through my brain.

I hope for them they don't come
I drown in the flood of them.

They change my perception
They fall prey to my interpretation.

I fear my own are misinterpreted
And yet silence is not my strength.

I love words
And I hate them.

Words love me
And they hate me.

I am consumed.

Making macaroni salad with the Lord

Several years ago, I found myself alone at a woman's retreat.  To clarify, there were lots of other women around, but my BFF at the time had come along on another friend's dime, and I didn't feel like I ought to infringe on their time together.  I hadn't even planned on going, but at the last minute someone sponsored me, so I did.  But I ended up rooming with one of the women who was teaching several of the other classes, and my other roommate was on the worship team. They were just too busy to hang out. 

So I just sort of drifted about by myself.  So I wasn't alone, there were more than a hundred women there at least, but the (actual) introvert in me just kind of hung back, alone.  I had arrived at the event feeling pretty good. I had been super consistent in my morning devotional time.  Every day for 50 some days I had gotten up early and was going through the book of Isaiah one chapter at a time.  Every day I sat and took down notes on the story of the prophet in my little spiral notebook before even rolling out of bed.  I was being faithful, and I felt really good about it. 

So needless to say at the retreat I had a lot of time to think and meditate on the Lord with very little interruption.  It was actually at that retreat that I heard the Lord tell me to minister through writing, and it wasn't long after this blog was born.  But that's another story. So the first morning there I was in a worship session, feeling pretty good about my consistency in seeking the Lord when I heard Him whisper to me as I had my hands raised to the heavens just singing along to the band. 

"I don't want to be a habit," He said.

It was so clear, I dropped my hands and looked around to see if He was standing next to me.  He wasn't, but I knew it was His voice anyway, conviction settled in very quickly, because that's exactly what I had made Him, something to check off my to do list. 

The fact of the matter is, I would have been better off if we had been labeled "human doings" instead of "human beings." I like to "do." And I like nice little "to do" lists that I can check off feeling like I am accomplishing things in my life. It's part of what has been the hardest about this decade long hiatus from any formal ministry, nothing to check off, no sense of accomplishment.  All the while I hear the little whispers of the Lord in the background, "Love and worship."  "Be still." "Rest." Grumble, there's no lists to coincide with those directives. 

These past few months I have been in quite the desert. It wasn't my first trip there, but it was definitely the darkest and driest desert I'd ever found myself wandering in.  Deserts are lonely places. And last week I got to a definite breaking point.  Crying out in my heart to the FFH song "Move," I kept singing it in my heart's prayer, "Lord, move, or move me."  And so I started what ended up being a three day fast from food and a 5 day fast from Facebook.

I am happy to report that God's promise, "If you draw near to God He will draw near to you," has once again proved true.  And it wasn't long at all before I felt like the clutter between us was unplugged and with my focus righted, I could hear Him and sense His presence again. During the food fast in particular, I let every hunger pang drive me to prayer and communion with the Lord.  If only I could fast forever (which by the way would be great for my waistline (for a while) as well.)

Wednesday morning, while still fasting, I woke to some typical mommy drama that kept me from lounging in bed and communing in prayer and reading with the Lord.  In fact I had been at work for a good hour when it dawned on me that I had barely given Him a cursory hello.  As I leaned down to grab my prayer journal out of my purse, I just dodged the blanket of guilt that tried to rest itself upon me. 

I heard Him whisper, "I don't want to be a habit, but I do want to be a priority." 

I felt the Lord's pleasure as I knew that what drove me to still pick up that journal was not the desire to check my "time" with Him off a list, but because I felt like I was missing out.  It was important TO me and important FOR me to have time with Him, whether it was for an hour before rolling out of bed, or for 10 minutes just to connect sitting at my desk at work.  He just wants me to want Him there (which He always is by the way) and to include Him as I go about my day. It's not about "doing Jesus," but about being with Him, out of a joyful heart. 

This morning I woke up and I didn't feel like I had a lot of prayer on my heart beyond "Good morning Father, thank You for this day."  I didn't have any real direction about what or where to read. So God and I got up and went into the kitchen and made macaroni salad for Neal's dinner tonight.  (It's his favorite.)  And can I tell you, it felt really good, with the house quiet, the kids asleep, to just talk to the Lord while I cut up veggies.  It wasn't formal, or profoundly spiritual, it was just about where my heart and my focus were.  The Lord wants to be the center of our lives, so it doesn't matter if we're making a huge life altering decision or just making macaroni salad for dinner, He's already there, He just wants us to remember that, and keep our focus on Him.  

So be encouraged, wherever you are, whatever you do today, be mindful of the fact that the Lord is with you and be with Him. 

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. 

James 4:8a

Catharsis

ca·thar·sis
Show Spelled [kuh-thahr-sis] Show IPA
noun, plural ca·thar·ses .
1. the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

For me, poetry is a catharsis. This is my process today.


Desert Thoughts


Your silence unending, it grates at my soul.
When I don’t feel Your presence, I do not feel whole.
The ache of my existence, is all that I feel
Though I know that You are, You just don’t seem real.

No witness I bear is even worthy to see.
As I struggle up under just being me.
No woman of faith is even reflected at all
My faith once loomed large, now it seems small.

How do You bear with me in this unending wait?
Turning up the heat, purifying each ungodly trait.
So much of my “self” that You must strip away,
Will I ever be useful, will there ever be a day?

Taking it all, plans and hopes, and dreams,
Each stripped away, I come apart at the seams.
I ache in this desert, its heat does not bend,
If I survive this season who will I be in the end?

This surgical season, I feel held in my place,
A moment of relief if I could just see Your face.
Instead I feel held down, unable to move,
No affirmation of hope, my faith I can’t prove.

You’re here and You’re good, these things I know,
But in the midst of the desert it doesn’t always seem so.
I can’t help but wonder is it my fault I’m here?
Did I wander off track? Where did I veer?

I’ve searched unto weariness, sought to despair,
I must keep remembering, I know that You care.
I long for the days when I sensed You were near,
I’d give anything, Lord, if I could just feel You here.

In Your silence there’s purpose; You must have a plan.
I only hope that this season is one my faith can withstand.
To give up is my desire, but You won’t let me go.
Is there a new hope ahead, one I just don’t yet know?

I feel crazy sometimes, is that what others see?
I wear the misconceptions that others have of me.
It adds to my burden as this desert I try to cross,
Damage to my reputation, respect that I have lost.

I try to look back and recall what You’ve done,
Other seasons were hard; other seasons weren’t fun.
You have always been faithful, You’ve kept every word.
Every promise was met, both written and heard.

I know You are good, and so must be Your plan,
But still I am weary, and unable to stand.
Perhaps the end of my self is what You are seeking,
Will I be ready when You finally start speaking?

You will speak again, won’t You Father? I pray.
I hope that it comes, in a not too distant day.
A word of refreshing, something I can take in,
Something to hydrate, my faith wearing thin.

Living water I long for, from You to my soul,
Your presence evident, make me feel whole.
Here I go again, with my agenda and plan,
Right back where we started, where we began.

You said it Yourself, You’re the potter; I’m the clay.
Who I am I to question what You do or You say?
Useful or not is determined by You.
Only You can define what is real and is true.

The vessel I’ll be is for You to decide,
Forming and shaping, You are the Guide.
Even off of the table, thrown back in the dirt,
My will You will not let the process pervert.

No matter how I fight, resisting Your plan,
There’s no overcoming Your firm, loving hand.
You’ll outwait me forever if that’s what must be,
No change in the vision that You alone see.

This desert is a pathway to what You have planned,
So I must continue on and bend to Your hand.
No hope for “ahead” but I cannot stay here,
I just must press ahead and pray that things clear.

You are God, You are good – this much I know.
Desert or flood, they are Yours to bestow.
All for Your purpose, for all that You’ve planned,
Even when I just simply don’t understand.

You are God, You are good – this much I know.
Desert or flood, they are Yours to bestow.

By Diana DePriest
© July 8, 2013