40 Years of Roe

We were away on a family weekend, just driving to nowhere, with nothing specific to do but look around at the beautiful landscape of the Santa Maria Valley.  It was actually a missed turn that had us on this particular pathway. I had my phone out using the maps app and my GPS trying to find the best way to get us back to our hotel room in Solvang. I looked up from my phone and out of the corner of my eye I caught just a glimpse of it. 

"Go back!" I told my husband. 

"Are you serious?" he asked.  I begged off but he decided to turn around anyway.  He pulled the car on to the street alongside the church that held a makeshift graveyard in memory of all the children who have died my legalized abortion on demand since Roe v. Wade was "won" 40 years ago today in 1973. 

I alone got out of my car and walked over to the very large display.  Every cross in the yard represented 2000 babies who were lost by abortion... in the last year.  Please take note of that particular statistic, this is over a million babies per year. PER YEAR. The full count is about 45 million babies since Roe v. Wade's victory 40 years ago today.

As I walked back and forth along the street alone in front of the display, traffic rushing by just behind my back, I felt both a stillness and a heaviness in my heart.  The sign at the back on one side of the display offered help for women who suffered from the guilt of abortion.  In a moment I found myself both grateful and saddened.  I'm glad they are reaching out to the women who find themselves suffering under the pain, guilt and shame of abortion in their past, but I know from experience, in may ways, by then its too late.  The damage has been done, to both life and soul.  Where was the help for these women when they found themselves in the first crisis, when there was still an opportunity to impact two lives?

I stood staring at the crosses and I knew in my heart that each cross not only represented 2000 unborn children who did not live to see the light of day in 2012, but each also represented a woman felt herself in such a difficult situation that abortion was her only option.  I wonder how many of those women felt hopeless? Lost? Confused?  This is the reason why Roe v. Wade seems like anything but a victory to me. Tout the right to "choose" all day long, the fact is that education about the procedure and alternative options are not made readily available, and in a moment of confusion, fear and pain, these women run to a path that they believe is an easy way out. But they do not know what's on the other side of that "door" when they will go through it, they only know they will come out the other side alone.

I wonder how many of them do not know the depth that that solitude can bear.  I read a quote once that said, "abortion makes a woman un-pregnant, but it does not make her an un-mother."  There is an emptiness that comes on the "other side" of abortion that is hard to explain. No matter how much you think you know and can anticipate how you will feel after an abortion, you cannot.  And this one "choice" is in fact the choice that ends all other choices.  There are no more options after abortion. Yes, you might choose to have more children later, but will you be able to?  You cannot know.  Abortion is a traumatic physical experience. Even secular statistics indicate that at least 10% of women who have an abortion will suffer immediate physical complications. It is a blind procedure using sharp objects without benefit of scope or ultrasound to see what the doctor is doing.  It just is. There are risks for lack of evacuation, perforation of the uterus, scarring-- all can hinder future fertility.  1 in 10 women will find this to be the case.

The psychological issues cannot be measured.  For a season I served in an internet ministry I built online before the days of Facebook and Twitter.  Through emails, early websites and old-fashioned "chat rooms" I personally ministered to hundreds of women who were suffering painful psychological damage from the "choice" of abortion.  All I did was make a single plea to reach out to women in those circumstances and with in a couple of weeks I literally connected with hundreds of women who wanted help for their hurting hearts and minds, women who would have given anything to go back and make a different choice. Whether it had been a matter of weeks or a matter of decades, the sentiments were the same.

"If only I had known..."

"If only someone would have reached out..."

In the early 1990s when I first came to terms with my own abortion, I am grateful to say there was help.  People were reaching out to both stop abortion and to minister to women who had them.  It wasn't perfect, often those who hoped to save babies actually pushed the women in crisis away, but there was at least an effort.  Today I don't see the same kind of passion or concern for either women in crisis, their unborn children or the women who are living under painful shame and regret for having chose abortion in their pasts.

The crisis has gotten no better.  There are just as many abortions if not more going on here in 2103 as there were in 1993.  But the outreach has completely waned.  Yes politics and legalities have made the efforts more difficult, but certainly no less necessary.  The fact is in many ways the abortion process has gotten even more dangerous with later-term abortions involving more complicated surgical procedures and multiple day procedures; and there are even "abortion pills" where women are sent home to suffer through the process without medical supervision.  All the while women being told abortion is "safe and simple" which it is neither - not physically and not emotionally.

And what about spiritually?  What does it do to the woman's soul?  I know for me I carried great pain and darkness after my abortion.  I suffered nightmares, angry outbursts, guilt and shame.  All of those things reached a overwhelming point the day I suffered my first miscarriage nearly three years after my abortion.  No one brought shame on me, no one made me feel guilty, the guilt that resided in my heart was birthed out of a knowledge in my soul that abortion is wrong, unnatural and against the very design of the human body.  I was broken and devastated for the loss of another unborn child, convinced this was justified by the death of my first child by abortion. 

But I was one of the fortunate ones.  Someone reached out to me, and helped me find the grace and forgiveness that can be found in Christ alone.  Restoration and healing, in my case spiritually, emotionally and to a degree even physically, came through God's Word, loving disciples of Christ and a relationship with my Savior.  The church had the answer to my pain. 

The truth is the church is the best answer for the before problem as well.  And truth be told it goes back to before a woman or young girl even finds herself in a crisis pregnancy in the first place, but I digress.  But at the very least the church should be doing more to reach out to woman in crisis pregnancies. They ought to be reaching out to these women and young girls, reaching their hearts, because it is my firm belief, if you reach out and meet the needs of one heart, two lives can be saved.

I know the anger of God was stirred against the Israelites as they sacrificed their children on the altar of Molech. And I am convinced His patience is wearing no less thin towards us as a nation as we turn a blind eye as our children are sacrificed on the altar of convenience and desire.  Perhaps as a nation there is no hope for change.  Legislation isn't the solution anyway but the Church ought not be a part.  We need to stop turning a blind eye, we need to stand us and say "NO!"  We need be a part of the solution, first and foremost in prevention. And if we come "too late" for some, then at the very least we should be active in the ministry of grace and reconciliation.  Women are hurting, babies are dying, if not us then who? 

Don't dismiss today, thin about the 45 million babies who have already died by abortion in this nation, and think about the mothers who suffer their choices.  Pray. Vote pro-life. Do something to make a difference to live the live of a disciple of Jesus Christ.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

Psalm 139: 13-16

As I was preparing to head back to the car to leave on Sunday my daughter came out and joined me for a moment. "Look Mommy," she said, pointing to a fallen cross. "That one fell down." 

As I stood there it felt like a holy moment.  I am grateful for the healing God has done in my heart over my sin of abortion. But I must never forget the child that was meant to be who is not here.  Someday in heaven I will see her, and I hope I can tell her that although I made the horrible mistake of aborting her, her life was not in vain.  That I told the truth, I reached out to others and I warned them not to go the way I had.  Life is a choice, and it is always, always a choice worth making.



If you would like to understand more about the aftermath of abortion and the crisis of unplanned pregnancy, Diana is the author of the novel "Homecoming: The Redemption Series," which in a fictional format shares factual information about the problem of abortion, including the emotional challenges and devastating consequences of abortion.

Additude is where the battle is won

Yesterday as we were driving away from church my oldest and youngest who both volunteer in the children's ministry were talking about what had gone on that day.  Victoria was talking about having written something up on the board for the kids to see.

"Yes, but you misspelled attitude," Jacob said.

"I spelled it the way it was on the paper," Victoria told him. Ethan quickly shouted out from the back seat how it was properly spelled. 

"How did she spell it?" I asked.

"a-D-D-i-t-u-d-e," Jacob told me.  And it immediately got me thinking.

How many times have we heard the saying, "Attitude is half the battle"? I know I've heard it and as a mom said it more times than I can count.  But I'm a word girl, and the term "Add-itude" really appeals to me.  It immediately made me think of a particular scripture from the third chapter of Colossians:

"God's chosen people, clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness,

humility, gentleness and patience."

Colossians 3:12

"Clothe yourselves," the verse says.  It made me think about the different times in scripture when God tells us to "put on" or "clothe" ourselves with different things.  Humility, God's armor, a new self, the armor of light, love, kindness, compassion... the list is worth researching for yourself.

I know I have given myself a pass for some of these attributes, and attitudes in the past, particularly those that fall into the list of "fruits of the Spirit." But as I was thinking about my daughter's "mis"-spelling, it occurs to me, these are things that we can choose. Is it easier when we are abiding in Christ? Without question, and in reality perhaps even impossible without Him, but still there is no excuse in not ADDing on these attitudes in our daily lives.

I read something recently about exactly what it means to be "filled with the Holy Spirit."  It's a phrase that can have a wide definition between the conservative and charismatic, but the reading I did explained it very well.  All of us who are followers of Jesus Christ have the Holy Spirit living inside of us.  The Book of Ephesians tells us it's how God sort of "seals the deal" when we accept Christ as our Savior, our day of redemption.  According to this one man's explanation the level of our "filling" of the Holy Spirit is directly proportioned to the level we are surrendered to Him.  The more surrendered the more "full" we are.  I may not being explaining it well, but I think it's accurate to say that the more we submit the more He leads the way. (But I digress.)

Back to the point of ADDitudes, these things that God has commanded we put on and clothe ourselves in - if He has directed it, it MUST be possible.  We can choose what we wear, and we can choose to walk in obedience and put on these things which ought to mark us as believers. 

I don't think it's simple or easy, but I do know it must be possible because God has told us to do it.  Everything is easier with His help, and if He has asked us to do it, surely it is His will to help us do so. 

Compassion

Kindness

Humility

Gentleness

Patience

I learned Colossians 3:12 as a scripture song when my oldest was just a little boy, and if I quoted it to you uou might find me saying it in a sing-songy way because it's committed to my memory that way.  But as I opened the scriptures and read the verse in its context, it's there in verse 14 that I find the most important ADDitude of all:

"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:14

So how about it?  Will you choose (with God's help through the Holy Spirit) to clothe yourself today?  To "put on" these ADDitudes?  Because after all, we are called to be Christ's ambassadors here on earth, therefore...

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."

Philippians 2:5

Read on for yourself, do a little investigating, see about the choice you have to obey... and then do it. I'm sure it will be great for your attitude... no, make that ADDitude.



Still Emmanuel

I am feeling quietly emotional this New Year's Day.  Quietly emotional?  Yes, I tend to be loud with my emotions. Anger is loud, pained is dramatic, joy is jubilant.  I am a heart on her sleeves kind of girl and usually whatever I am feeling is profoundly noticeable.  Today I am feeling a wealth of emotions, but feeling still, small and yes, quiet in the midst of them.

I do not feel like I finished 2012 strongly.  I wandered through the final days of the year somewhat aimlessly. After a great time of being in the Word and studying through the book of James in the fall, when I finished I never really managed to get on any solid track to anywhere afterwards.  My Bible reading suffered first and then my prayer journal followed shortly after.

Someday when I (or someone else) look back on my journal from this season of life, only wonder will exist about the last 11 days of 2012.  After a year of journaling pretty consistently (though I have still yet to meet the goal of daily) everything just stopped.  One might imagine it was the busyness of the holiday season that kept me away, but I can honestly say it was a heart issue more than a time one.  I just struggled, and slowly the desire for the time with the Lord waned enough that hitting the snooze or getting on my phone first thing in the morning trumped spending time with Jesus.  I don't know why it happens, or even how, but it does, and it did.  As the famous hymn sang, "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love...."

So now as I enter into the New Year of 2013 my heart song continues into the next line, "Take my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."  This is my desire and prayer for the New Year.

I feel like I went to the birthday party but didn't even bother to connect with the Birthday Boy this past Christmas.  I was there, I was celebrating, but it was about family, friends and food, and the "Reason for the Season" somehow never made it to the center stage of my heart.  It was a nice holiday, I enjoyed my family and our time together, but all along the way it was as though something was tugging at the back of my heart and mind that I was missing something.  But I knew exactly what the something was, I just never managed to right the situation.  It was like looking at the Birthday Boy across the room, I'd catch His eye, nod toward Him.  "Yes, I see You, I know You're why we're here," but I never went over and gave him the embrace He deserved.

There was no great sin in it.  The one who suffered the most was me.  I still feel this lingering sense of regret that I missed so much of what the holiday should have been.  Even though I suspect I am not alone in putting Jesus as a "side dish" to the Holiday Feast. I suspect most people don't even give it a second thought, and many of us wander through the party, acknowledging Him with our nods, but never stepping up for the embrace.

Here's the thing, this "party" isn't just for the holiday season, Jesus is the One who ought to be celebrated every day.  Emmanuel, "God with us" is not just a seasonal moniker, it's the reality of Who Christ is, and Who He ought to be recognized as.  He is HERE, with us, beside us, among us - ALL THE TIME.   As I sit here in my messy office typing this blog post, Christ is here with me.  As you sit wherever you are reading this blog post, He is there with you.  Stop for a moment and truly consider that.  I'll wait.

My heart swells (quietly) at the thought of it.  I close my eyes and I try to drink in His presence.  Among the emotions I am feeling this New Year, I am overwhelmed with the grace of fresh starts.  Someone posted a picture on Facebook that said (paraphrase) "Today is the first page of a blank 365 page book, what will you write?"  My heart says, "Write nothing, let the Lord do it."   He's here with me, wanting to write my story for 2013.  I know I can lay aside the stumble out of 2012 and make a change today-- a change toward walking right up to the Honored Guest and embracing Him.  I want to spend 2013 not across the room offering Jesus the occasional nod, but walking alongside Him and being a part of every interaction.

The Lord makes firm the steps

    of the one who delights in him;

²⁴ 

though he may stumble, he will not fall,

    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23-24

I also find myself strangely filled with hope this New Year's Day. There is nothing in the circumstances that says I ought to be holding to hope.  If anything circumstances are concerning or worse.  And yet, I find myself feeling extremely hopeful about what the Lord may bring in 2013.  I have a sense of good things to come, even though I can point to NO THING that would even incline toward that.  Instead I point to Jesus and say simply, "I believe."

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for 

and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. 

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, 

scorning its shame, and sat down 

at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-2

I am expectant for 2013. Not because of my hopes or dreams or aspirations for the coming year (and I do have them) but because my intention for the New Year is to remember first and foremost that God is here WITH ME, and in that He is also FOR ME.  He already declared Himself to be Emmanuel, "God with us," God with ME, so it isn't a matter of Him having to come, it is just a simple matter of my remembering He is here.  So I stop again, close my eyes for a moment and drink in the Truth, He is here.  I will choose to walk closely with Him, one year, one month, one week, one day, one hour, one moment at a time.  

A New Low

I am sharing a post from my ewight loss blog, "The Fight to Lose" because today's entry is just as much about my spiritual walk as it is my physical one, if not more so. And I think it's worth sharing, giving God the glory in my successes is key to remembering Who is Lord over my life, because I have learned very well, it isn't me! 

From The Fight to Lose:

Today is day 172 of my lifestyle change/ weight loss efforts. It's a big day for me because I actually find myself LOWER on the scale than I did when I lost so much weight two years ago. I think it's likely that this is the lowest I have been since before my baby girl was born at the end of 2001. I can't say that without absolute certainty because I wasn't one to weight myself for a lot of years because the numbers were so disheartening, but I do know it's the lowest I have been since my 40th birthday.


It's exciting for me because I have so much more balance in my weight loss this time. Taking care of my body has its proper place in my life. When I lost the weight at 40, I honestly think I was teetering on the edge of a midlife crisis. There was an obsessiveness to the process and it wasn't completely for the right reasons, I was very hung up on how I looked, and who might be looking at me than I was about my overall health and well-being and feeling good. This time the looking good (or better) is just a bonus, and not a focus.

When I lost all the weight the first time I was obsessively rolling out of bed every morning, every morning, to work out on the Wii Fit. Morning workouts aren't a problem per se, but I remember a conversation with a friend at one point where I told her, "God will always be there, right now I need to focus on me and my body." Um, what? Hello, danger! Danger! It wasn't very long after that that my weight loss efforts completely fell apart and I began the process of putting back on the 50+ lbs that I gained before this current effort to lose weight and get healthy in God's strength and not my own. I put those 50 lbs on in 2 years. I wonder if my friend wasn't praying for my perspective to get right. If she was, I am grateful because I know I walked right up to and contemplated walking down a very dangerous path.

In that season of my life working out became like an addiction. I remember finding myself in a hotel gym at 6 in the morning on a weekend trip with my husband because I HAD to work out, HAD TO. It was compulsive and unhealthy. I was on a marriage retreat weekend and focusing completely on me. That's a person I don't want to be.

Am I proud of this weight loss? Yes, I am. But I refuse to be PRIDEFUL IN this weight loss. I know it's not about anything other than honoring God in my body. I know it's by HIS power that I am able to have balance and make good choices, work out when I can, but never before or in lieu of spending time with the Lord. The only thing I find myself being regimented in these days is spending time with Him. I don't even roll out of bed without prayer, the Word and or journaling to Him. And every day I pray, "Lord help me lose the weight, but help me keep it in the right perspective. And NEVER let me become full of myself in the process."

I have been open and shared a lot about this weight loss/ lifestyle change process because I want to encourage others. With God's help ANYONE can do it. And if you do it with Him, it is a journey worth taking. All glory to Him!

As of Day 172 I have lost 50.9 lbs; I've lost 3" in each of my arms; 9" in my chest; 13" in my waist; 9" in my hips; and 5" in each of my thighs. That's 62 1/2% way to my weight loss goal and a total of 47 inches. That's less than 6 months, only 24 1/2 weeks, and I feel like a new person. It took two things, saying "Yes" to God and allowing Him to be Lord of my body, the food I eat, and how I care for myself, and then taking the first step with my hand in His. It's totally worth it, and again, ALL glory to Him!!!

Philippians 4:8

Sometimes I wish that the human brain came with a format feature like a computer hard drive or a camera disc.  There are so many days I feel like I would give anything to just create a "clean slate" for my mind.  Too many old habits, hurts and heartaches filter in and sully the current day.  It's like bad "swype."  Misspellings from my past pop up automatically even though I know what's right now.

Sometimes I wish I were a different kind of person.  I wish I wasn't so vocal and open.  I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve and I wasn't so "out there" on so many levels.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and be different especially with the newer people in my life.  I feel like the "new slate" opportunity slipped past me, and I find myself cringing with regret.

Sometimes I wish I could just fade back into anonymity, and that my big mouth personality hadn't already created first, second and fifteenth impressions that I always feel like I am trying to overcome.  And sometimes I wonder if the sense of rejection I feel in most areas of my life is really rejection from others or just an issue in my own heart.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't just a thinker.  I wish I wasn't someone who over-analyzed EVERYTHING. "Did they mean that?"  "What did they mean by that?" "What were they really trying to say?" "What did their tone, body language, countenance indicate?"  I wish I was the kind of person who easily assumed the best, never looked for the hidden agenda and didn't spend hours trying to exercise by jumping... to conclusions.  I wish for innocence and naivete.

Sometimes I wish I could easily assume that people like me, that my confident fear that most people are just tolerating me, or worse suffering through me didn't feel so true.  An unanswered message, an ignored phone call, a cut-short conversation-- they all have the power to send me down a rabbit trail of assumption and rejection that I just wish I didn't feel.

Sometimes I wish past hurts and offenses didn't have such a huge bearing on how I respond and relate to people today.  I wish old hurts and offenses didn't make me suspicious of people that held no part in it.  I wish I didn't assume that most people in authority over me didn't approve of me.  I wish I didn't feel like "I'm sorry," had to constantly be on my lips even when I'm just sorry that I am, and not for anything I have done.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to take it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Am I the only one who finds the practice of that verse to feel like a full time job? Because I swear it is more than a nine to five for me and it is exhausting.  Truth be told I feel like I am failing at it most days, and I worry whether the crack in my thought process runs all the way down deep into my very psyche.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure , whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Philippians 4:8

I think this verse is the best hope for the "format" that I am hoping for.  It falls short, because it does not clear the brain, the memory or the emotions, but it is a form of reprogramming that has the hope of the "sometimes I wish's" of life today becoming new experiences tomorrow.  And maybe, just maybe, the other negatives will fade enough with time and experience, that I won't spend so much time struggling under it all. 

What is true? God created me to be the thinker that I am, so there must be some good purpose in it, and if I let Him direct my thoughts, and the way that I process it is meant to be a blessing and not a curse. 

What is noble? I am the adopted daughter of the most High King, chosen and set apart, fully accepted in His Beloved Son. God has plans and purposes for my life that cannot be thwarted and I don't have to be fearful so long as I am under His favor. 

What is right?  God is sovereign, and whatever I have or will face in my life has not and will not touch me apart from his permission.  And whatever another might intend for evil, God intends for good. And He has promised to work all things, ALL THINGS, together for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose.  And in the end, he's going to use it to make me more like His Son.

What is pure?  Christ's love for me is pure.  Whatever rejection I may suffer in my life, real or imagined, God does not reject me, He loves me, He gave Himself up for me.  I matter to God. 

What is lovely? I can take my eyes off of these self-loathing thoughts and find truth to meditate upon in God's word.  I can "retrain my brain" to think God thoughts instead of the thoughts of my own corruptible flesh. 

What is admirable? It isn't all about me.  My sole purpose in life is to bring glory to God.  Do I serve others? Yes, but even in that the purpose is to honor and direct others to Him.  And even in my broken state I have the ability to be a vessel of honor if I will am submitted to be used by Him. 

What is excellent?  That these struggles and troubles are "light and momentary" and do not compare to the eternal glory which is to come.  Life is hard, but Christ IS worth it. If my own battles bring one moment of opportunity to minister to someone suffering in a similar way, they are worth it.  God enables us to comfort others with the comfort "which we ourselves have been given."  I have learned fr more about how to love when I have felt unloved.  I have learned far more about how to lead by the times I was mislead.  I have learned the importance to show I care in the many times I felt no one cared for me. 

What is praiseworthy? Christ. No one and nothing else is worthy of our praise.  All that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent-- every bit of it, is rooted in Him.  

Oh what a messed up broken vessel I am, but I belong to the Lord and HE has purpose for me.  Come what may, my victory is assured because it is rooted in Him.  

Fallout

I have in my hands the proof of my second book.  I wrote and (self) published two books this year. Part of me thinks, "That's quite an accomplishment." But another part of me feels silly and foolish, and struggles through the whole process. I feel exposed, writing a book (or creating any work of art) is like taking a part of your soul and laying it out for all to see, and for any to judge. 

Self-publishing adds to the vulnerability. It means there is no "professional" involved in any step of the process.  I'm good with transparency, but vulnerability is far more challenging for me.  Laying out both my writing skills and my editing skills to the scrutiny of others is hard, not to mention the story and imagination that are behind them.  Ugh.

If I had a friend who wrote a book, I'd like to think I would support them and read it.  Maybe I wouldn't, but I like to think I would.  I know if I did I would be gentle with my criticism.  These two published works are actually my 3rd and 4th endeavor.  My first attempt at writing a book was thrown by the wayside when a trusted friend, someone whose opinion I valued and respected annihilated my with harsh criticism that in my heart of hearts I know was not related to the book itself, but it was a personal attack at me because of comparisons some else made between us and our teaching/ speaking styles.  I tried to be gracious, and dismiss the hurt. I didn't let it affect the friendship, but I never put pen to page again in that book.  It has four chapters that I never got past.

Homecoming, my first published work, has received some criticism for technical problems.  I'm no English professor.  But out of the same critical mouths, the story has been praised and I've been asked for the sequel.  It's there now, but I don't know if they'll read it.  I know there is one particular critic who will have to hear about the book from someone else, because she won't hear about it from me.  I already know that Fallout (the sequel) isn't perfect either, but I think hope the story is still important enough to tell.

I know because of changes we made in our personal lives (specifically our church lives) over the last couple years that there are people in my life who if we hadn't made those changes, would absolutely read the books and support my writing.  Those same people will now refuse  to read them for those exact same choices.  Of course, part of me feels very certain that if we hadn't made those choices, the books might never have been written in the first place. 

Just as much as there are many who fall into that category, there are a solid few who have loved me and supported me through those same decisions and these same new endeavors, and for the few, I am eternally grateful.  But the practical side of me looks and wonders, is "success" hindered by those who still resent me for being gone?  I can only speculate, and what a dangerous place that is to be.

It brings up a lot of hurt about the loss and changes in so many, many relationships.  Even though God has moved me to a better and healthier place for ME (and my family) it doesn't mean all that was lost has magically been replaced.  As I type that it makes me think of Job.  He lost his home and his children and after a long and difficult season he came out on the other side and God "restored to him" a new family and a new home.  But I can't help but wonder, didn't he still grieve and mourn for the family he lost?  Even if life went on, even if life got good again, he had to have missed those that were lost.

It's different. I didn't lose anyone in death, but there was much loss, and relationships died.  As I wonder about those who have been lost to me, I wonder if they ever think of me too.  Then I wonder if they think anything good.  It makes my heart ache.

It's funny (in a completely un-funny way) that the title of this book is "Fallout," because in essence, that's what I find myself faced with yet again, the fallout of decisions-- my own and those of others. 

I hold my book and find it attached to a plethora of emotion and struggle that it is attached to, and I wonder when whole and healed comes, or if it ever comes.  We are the sum total of our lives and experiences (but God), and even Christians have regret.  Even when we stand and proclaim over it scripture "all things together for good," or "what one intended for evil, God intended for good," we are not absolved from wondering what if or what might be.  And we still find ourselves grieving much of the losses along the way, even when God brings beauty from ashes.... or even as we wait in anticipation of the beauty to come while we stand amidst the ashes.

All I can do is take myself back to God's sovereignty.  He knew. He planned. He filtered. He approved.  Nothing happens, nothing touches us apart from His allowance, and even when it hurts or it is hard, He is still good-- all knowing, and understanding what I cannot-- the truth that EVEN this, He will work for my good.  And even harm that others intended for evil, God intends for good, and for His good purpose, which is so much bigger than anything I can even think or imagine-- His ways are not my ways, His thoughts not my thoughts, so high I cannot attain them.

But still the reality, the struggle, the pain and the loss are here. But I wait, and hope in expectation, for the Fallout that is the ashes I find myself standing amidst, are the ones God promises to some how bring beauty from.  I cannot understand, but I wait and trust in the One who promised it. 

In Jesus' name....