Breaking Out

I'm a chronic struggler I think. Perhaps I have a bit of melancholy in my attitude as a whole. I do know I see the negative in things and have to try hard not to be critical. (Strongly evidenced that I lectured Jake on the way to church last night about not studying hard enough in Biology, even if he still got an A- on his test.)

At church last night during worship our pastor's wife opened up a time of ministry for people to come forward for prayer if they were struggling with discouragement, depression or other bondages. (Read my last post.) And I would have gone forward to get prayer, possibly, but she specifically called Neal and I out to come forward to pray for others. I know things don't happen haphazardly, and I trust both Carol and God that I need to be submissive in those things. And the truth of the matter is, I know my feelings are not my reality. Even if I don't feel like I am the one who should be praying, I cannot let that stop me. We cannot serve God according to our moods. (Ouch.)

I was privileged to pray for a dear friend. I was privileged to get to pray with my husband in a ministry setting. I remember back when we used to have parties here at the house and on a few occasions we walked through and laid hands and prayed over every guest before they left. I remember doing those things with the youth when we were youth group leaders too.

Carol talked about "living below the pay grade" as a Christian. About how often we live like we are paupers in this world, forgetting the vastness of eternal wealth that we hold. I am guilty of that.

This morning I got up for the first time in a while to read and pray. I'm very out of practice, and only spent a few minutes, but as our pastor preached last weekend, 5 minutes is better than nothing. And he has full confidence the time will grow. I do too, but I got up and spent a little time this morning with no obligation to meet any criteria, just to connect with the Lord first thing.

I felt led to read Proverbs 8 which talks about the importance of wisdom, and the gift that it is. It is also something I feel like I have been lacking lately. Wisdom is knowledge applied, and I have the knowledge, but I haven't been the best about applying it lately.

Then I went to Psalm 78 to find a particular scripture in verse 4.

"We will not hide them from their children, telling to the generation to come the praises of the Lord, and His strength and His wonderful works that He has done"

I have decided for the next couple days, or weeks, or however long it develops, I want to backtrack in life a little and proclaim some of the things the Lord has done, share testimony, to pass on to my children, or the children of God's generation. The primary purpose however will be to remind myself how good God has been to me. He is faithful, even when I am faithless. So stay tuned, I plan to tell of His wonderful works.

Love that Broad!

The purpose of advertising in television is to connect with the target audience, give the consumer someone or something they can relate to so that they will buy the offered product or service. If you want to see who I have connected with through "truth in advertising" then click here. Then come back and read the rest of my post, which will be related, but will turn off into a completely different direction.... Go ahead, I'll wait....

Welcome back. I know that commercial is a little bit naughty, but it gives me a giggle every time I watch it, and that little cartoon woman has made her way into my heart. I just love her. She "gets" me (even if I don't have a husband who is currently shrinking, I'm certain he could if he put his mind to it.) I have made no secret of the fact that I have struggles with my weight. I suppose that's not the best way to describe it, because "struggling" would indicate there is an actual battle going on, and the truth of the matter is, in some ways I think lately I've just given up.

Can I be honest? I am thankful that I am not one who partakes of alcohol. I suppose that sounds funny, because obviously that's a choice I make, but as I get to know myself better I realize that I have an extremely addictive personality. I actually think if I was a drinker, I would probably become an alcoholic. I think I would self-medicate with alcohol, because I am beginning to realize that I do that very thing with food. It's an addiction. Even when I don't want to "use," I do.

I wonder how many other women that's true for. I wonder for how many of us that overeating is not a physical issue, and not even just an emotional one, but rather a spiritual one. I know there are a lot of "emotional eaters" out there, and I am certain I would qualify as such. If I'm sad, I eat; if I'm stressed, I eat; if I'm angry, I eat, bored, lonely, frustrated, all excuses to eat. I even eat to reward or entertain myself. But what I am beginning to realize it's not only a response to an emotional upheaval (which being such a mercurial person, I have them often), but even more it is an avoidance tactic. Instead of going to the Lord, I find myself looking for comfort, joy or peace in Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in the freezer or Pinwheel cookies in the pantry, or sometimes both.

A few nights ago I found myself 1/2 a pint and three cookies down. After I had indulged I had this incredible moment of revelation - I didn't feel any better, I felt worse. For a moment I was able to step back and see the cycle, the very vicious cycle that I continue to find myself struggling on. Food has become a bondage to me. Here is something that is not only good, but necessary, and somehow I have become subject to it. It's lost it's rightful place in my life. It has become so many things that God never intended it to be.

It is hard because there are also physiological issues involved in my food issues. I suffer from a condition called hyperinsulinemia (aka insulin resistance) which basically means my body produces too much insulin - it's sort of the opposite of diabetes, but also a pre-diabetic condition. It's also the source of what created all of my infertility issues for all those years (on the upside it may push back menopause a few extra years!) The condition actually causes a big increase in sugar and carb cravings, and we all know how much those help with weight loss. There is medication, but it's been a struggle to get the dosage right, and the DePriests have sort of had their fill of medical bills, so it all adds to the battle... and to the excuses.

I'm not going on and on about this to embarrass myself, or to play out a pity party for myself, but I'm going through this process with God, and so it's one of the areas in my life where I am very aware of my shortcomings and struggles. That night with the ice cream and cookies, I realized I have allowed this struggle to become a wall between the Lord and I.

I'm trying very hard to be more dependent on the Lord in this area. You see, because food has become such a bondage for me, a "diet" isn't the right answer. It's just an exchange from one bondage for another, and I need to find the way to be free of food issues. I need to find a way for food to just be food. I need it to be just fuel for my physical body, and I need to feed my soul with the Bread of Life.

The last couple days have been a little better. I'm trying to be prayerful, trying to depend on the Lord to lead me. There weren't great victories, but there were little steps I could feel good about. I've allowed myself to be sidetracked from the Lord (again) and I need to fight back. I have His word if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. (James 4:8) I love that spiritual math of 1+1=2.

I'm not sure why I felt led to share this. I suppose it's because we all have things like this in our lives, things that we allow to be substitutes for God himself, whether it's food like me, or alcohol, or another relationship, a job, a hobby; the list of possibilites is long. They don't have to be dark or sinister substitutes, food was made with a good purpose, it isn't wrong to enjoy it, remember how they described how good manna was, but it was manna that would rot and spoil. Our marriages, our relationships with our kids, service in a church or ministry, all good things, but all poor substitutes for a vital, intimate relationship with God, Himself. And when we settle for less, we are the ones getting ripped off.

What's ripping you off today?

PS Don't comment or email me with any great products or secret weight loss tips, the point is the Lord and I have a battle to fight, there are no quick answers. XO.

My Heart

I watch my heart, as it walks away,
Going out into the world to face the day.

Standing alone to face what may come,
I pray it remember where it came from.

I worry and wonder, will it be crushed or bruised?
Lord never let it be mistreated or used.

Will it stand firm when temptation may come?
Have I taught my heart from danger to run?

Has my heart come to know how precious it is?
Will it be shown by how my heart lives?

Entrusting my heart with others to share,
Is so very hard when you can’t tell if they care.

All the hurts and stumbles can be so hard,
As my heart learns to soar in the little schoolyard.

Each day my “mother’s heart,” it divides into three,
As Jacob, Ethan and Victoria adventure out from me.

Lord, guard my heart keep it safe in Your hand,
Help it grow and become all you have planned.

By Diana DePriest
October 10, 2008

Lost

My heart is so heavy, I cannot lift my eyes,
To look to find You through the enemy's lies.

Depression, discouragement, darken my view,
I don't know where to look so I can find You.

My heart feels broken, I can't catch my breath,
I listen to hear You, but worry You've left.

I know the truth, it's hidden in my heart,
But these clouds of darkness seem unwilling to part.

I need a rainbow of hope to reach deep inside,
To awaken Your Spirit from where it resides.

Darts thrown in abandon, wounding the soul,
Broken in places only You can make whole.

In sadness, frustration I'm too weary to try,
Please come and lift me, clear the dark sky.

It's all I can do to crawl toward the Cross,
Hope You'll help me stop feeling so lonely and lost.

The battles are raging, the hours are few,
Please help me Lord Jesus find my way back to You.

by Diana DePriest
October 9,2008

Proposition 8

Inspirational

I follow a lot of blogs... A LOT.

Today I read two posts that I found to be encouraging and inspirational, and although they are links on my pages (here or the family one) I know they probably get overlooked so I am spotlighting them here and encouraging you to check them out.

What Not to Wear by Jayme

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands by Aimee

Check them out!