In Search Of

If you're old enough, you might remember the the TV series back from the late 70s/ early 80's. If I try really hard I can close my eyes and hear the voice of Mr. Spock, aka Leonard Nimoy giving the description of that week's episode, they would search for a variety of different things. The intro went through the list, "extraterrestrials, magic & witchcraft, missing persons, myths & monster, lost civilizations, strange phenomena." Then the voice claim over explaining how they were just exploring a possible explanation based on "theory and conjecture," that it was by no means "the only one." They definitely hedged their bets. Ah, but I once again digress.

My whole rabbit trail of thought began with the sense that I find myself "in search of" the Christmas spirit. November has been a long month, working toward the end of what has been a long year. I am finding myself somewhat disheartened by the pressures of Christmas that lie ahead. Yesterday morning I started my Christmas shopping. I found myself suddenly longing for the days of old when I used to be so organized and prepared, having every gift bought and wrapped by Halloween. It may have actually only been one Christmas that I managed that, but I did so enjoy it, and do remember it fondly. Every year I swear I will achieve it again, and every year the Christmas season sneaks up on me. This year though it seems like it snuck up so much more swiftly and so much father into it, a disadvantage of the late Thanksgiving holiday, I suppose.

So anyway, yesterday I did do most of the big item shopping for my children online. I got pretty purposeful in the whole thing, and Neal mistook my determination to get it done, and done properly for a touch of the Christmas spirit. It wasn't. I spent all of today addressing Christmas cards. After several years of failing to send them I was determined we would manage to get them out on time this year. I spent a lot of the day barking at my children as they kept interrupting me as I addressed some 93 cards at last count. Still no bite of the Christmas bug.

I look to the event of the coming days not at all excited, but rather burdened by three performances of the children's program, a 4 night commitment to our women's event. I even forgot to invite people as I got lost in death, funerals, fires and medical issues over the last few weeks. I'm exhausted.

Today Neal got to decorating the outside of our house for the holiday. It's a big thing for him and the kids, he really tries to be the brightest home on the block, and we have actually had neighbors complain if we didn't come home and turn on our lights at night. As he was working outside Victoria wandered in a couple times with a few indoor decorations she found. I let her put them up, but I wasn't in to it at all. The thought of getting and decorating a Christmas tree? Fuggetaboutit. Not looking forward to it, at all.

So I find myself In Search Of the elusive and mysterious Christmas spirit. I need to find the "magical" feelings of childhood and joy. I want to be excited about the celebrating of the birth of my Savior. I want to truly share in the joy of my children and husband instead of just worrying about whether or not I can fake it well enough not to rip them off of it instead. I wish Christmas spirit could be found in a pretty package, and not one that says "Do Not Open til December 25th."

I'm sorry if this post is depressing, it's not my intention, but this blog is my place of transparency. I envy all the poeple I have heard say, or read their words stating that they "love this time of year." This year, I just don't find myself there... yet, I pray in Jesus' name.

Lord, let me find You in the holiday season. Help me not to focus on the lists or events, help me not to be overwhelmed by the tasks. I pray You would help me to remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas. I don't want to celebrate a holiday, I want to celebrate YOU.

For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6

Hmmm... what was that? I think I just felt a little Christmas Spirit....